It's the "final results show before the finale," Cat tells us. I have another name for it: "After Tonight, We'll Only Be 20 Percent Through This Week's SYTYCD Offerings." She also tells us that tonight they'll make the cruelest cuts of all, even though everyone knows that the first cut is the deepest.
And then…something magical happens, something I never dared hope would happen on this show. As the remaining dancers launch into the opening group routine, the names "Tom" and "Waits" appear on the screen. I rubbed my eyes, did a double-take, and went, "WHAAAAAA----?" I mean I literally did that, even if the comedic effect went unnoticed by the only other living creature in the room, one of my cats, asleep on the couch. Still: Tom Waits, the music. Has he been used in other seasons? If so, I want a burned DVD. The only way I could enjoy this more would be if Tom himself were playing, sitting on the side of the stage banging on an old calliope or something and croaking out this song ("2:19").
The routine can best be described as A Midsummer Night's Swamp Thriller. The dancers are dressed in tattered rags of various shades of moldy and mottled green. They fight their way out from under a net to start, as fog spills over the stage, and proceed to spend the couple of minutes hopping and kicking and shaking like various undead creatures in search of fresh brains. The women jump on the men's backs and ride them for a while. Tongues get poked out. Do I even need to tell you this was Wade Robson's piece?
When the routine ends, the dancers crawl off the stage. I would have enjoyed watching Cat come out in the same sort of ensemble, but she's in a black dress that was the scene of a feather boa chest-explosion. Ten and a half million votes were cast last week. This is almost as many votes as were cast in Canada's last general election. I'm kinda hoping the finale can hit fifteen million, which would top Canadian democracy.
Debbie Allen is back on the table again, and Cat wants to know: what's up with Cedric, to whom you promised a scholarship? Debbie says Cedric is enrolled and has sponsors and housing, and they've been hanging out. Chillaxing. Then Cat asks about the show's "guest," because in an amazing coincidence, Debbie knows him! This guy's name is Titus Fotso, whom Debbie calls "the gentle giant," and she discovered him when she was producing Amistad and he's amazing and blah blah blah. Cat says, "Well, he's here to perform tonight, would you like to see him?" Debbie says, "Wow! Yes!" like this is all a big surprise to her. Four men hammering African drums are set up on the back steps of the stage, and Titus comes down the stairs, shaking his body to the rhythms of the African Dance Music Ensemble . It's pretty amazing, and a nice demonstration of dance-as-culture that this show kind of lacks -- we could do with more of this and fewer routines with jazz hands. How about some North American First Nations dancing, for example? Maybe that's why I like the hip-hop on this show so much -- it seems more authentic to me, people like Hok and Sara learning moves on the street instead of the privileged kids learning how to flit about the stage like hummingbirds. Anyway.
Back from commercial, Cat tells us that they're going to give all the top six one last chance to strut their stuff. Sabra's up first, dancing to Fosse's "I Gotcha." I'm not familiar. But the dancers could spend the rest of the show dancing to Nickleback for all I care, and the Tom Waits would still make up for it. She leaps and twirls in a pink and black skirt and matching sparkly top. Her afro is gone, replaced by her hair pulled back tight into a ponytail. It's okay. I find these solo routines more boring than anything these days, even when they're well done, as Sabra's is. Lauren's up , (dancing to Pat Benetar's "Heartbreaker," awesome) and again, boring, even despite an extended pirouette. Maybe it's because the dances are too short so the performers don't have much choice but to cram in as many leaps and flips as they can; there's just a sameness. Maybe they should get more time, so they can actually choreograph something? Lauren grins the whole way through, but at least Lauren always looks like she's genuinely enjoying herself. And finally, girlwise, there's Lacey, dancing to "What I Like About You" by Lillix, which combines one of the most overplayed songs in the entire world with a band I've never heard of. Apparently they're from Cranbrook. Like Steve Yzerman! …God, I miss hockey. Again: I will not remember anything about any of these routines an hour from now, let alone week. But it will be awhile before I forget Dominic doing his chair-pretzel thing.
So this Anchorwoman show: Fox wants to know what happens when a bikini model becomes a television anchorwoman. Kind of a ridiculous premise, if you ask me. Do they really expect us to believe that television personalities will ever be chosen for their looks instead of their abilities? Riiiiiiight.
Top three guys' solos: Pasha, dancing to the Cherry Poppin' Daddies' "Zoot Suit Riot." Shirtless with suspenders, one of which pops off at the end. He forgot his shirt again! Neil's dancing to Rob Thomas -- I refuse to say any more. Just know that, again, it's nothing we haven't seen before. At least Neil isn't blatantly begging for votes by going shirtless again. I guess I was wrong when I said the Tom Waits would make up for everything. Danny's dancing, to Robin Thicke's "2 The Sky." Unless Prince wrote that song, shut up, Robin Thicke. I suppose it could be worse; he could just be singing the Growing Pains theme song.
So in this show's own version of Idol Cares…This Week, it's something the show arranged through the L.A.'s mayor's office: Choreographers will be passing on their expertise to after-school dance teachers in some of L.A.'s most challenged neighbourhoods.
The first session took place in South Central L.A., and we see Nigel talking to a bunch of dance instructors in a gym, and then some woman who doesn't get identified thanks the show because their dance instructors will get help from the best in the world. Nigel tells a bunch of bored-looking instructors that they'll give them the "seeds" to bring back to their pupils. And this way, people won't forget that dancing even exists, which is apparently what normally happens when So You Think You Can Dance goes off the air. Thanks, crazy British guy! They're going to be doing hip-hop with Shane Sparks and contemporary with Mia Michaels. To Nigel, this is awesome because they'd never get the chance to do contemporary with Mia Michaels in their entire lives. He says these words out loud, and I'm not sure he realizes that I can think of bigger tragedies. But I do like the idea of charity programs that aren't about just money or food. I like the idea of programs that might find a spark in a student who might not otherwise get the chance to dance (even if the poor guy never ever gets choreographed by Mia Michaels -- can you even imagine?). Shane works the crowd through some hip-hop moves, and then the six finalists are trotted out to be pretend celebrities.
And now a krumping performance by Lil' C and Tha Nephz-Squad. The song is "Nephz Up" by Tha J-Squad. I'm already so confused. I'm so old. Some dancer out and does a bunch of herky-jerky movements, then is joined by a couple of other guys do the same, and then out comes Lil' C, and everyone flaps their arms around a bunch of times. Thanks for that, guys. Say hi to the lambada, the Macarena, and the vogue for us when you see them.
Back from commercial, Cat plugs the dance tour again, and then we recap the girls' performances from last week. Then Cat announces that the first girl who's made it to Wednesday's finale is…Lacey. Whether it's Sabra or Lauren who joins her will be revealed…after the break. The break, or some break after that. My god, there's still twenty-five minutes left, people.
We recap the guys , and when that's all done, Cat announces that the first guy in the finale is Danny.
Then this: Cat announces they have some "bad news" for the studio audience. The audience is already upset, even though they don't know what's going on. "As you know, tonight we are not broadcasting live. The show you're watching at home was recorded on Thursday. This is so that the top four have time to rehearse for the finale." Well -- wouldn't they have had the exact same amount of time if the show was broadcast last week? I get it -- they weren't going to be able to broadcast, but did the show anyway. Okay. Sounds all right. Except this part's not going to sit right with the audience: "To protect the integrity of the show and ensure the viewers at home get the results at the same time as everybody else, we've decided to clear the studio and create a lockdown situation, before we reveal who your votes have sent home." Wow. Cat says "lockdown situation" like there's been a bomb threat at the G8.
Hee! The boos start to rain down as Cat asks the audience to leave. It's like the lights coming up in the bar after lights out. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, folks.
Back from the break, the theatre is indeed empty. Cat says "lockdown situation" again, but the exit was rather uneventful. I wouldn't have minded seeing a little more tear gas and truncheons, myself.
On stage are Lauren and Sabra, in the spotlight. "It's time to find out who has made it into the finale." Cat asks if the "gulls" are ready. Lauren jokingly says no -- and after Cat opens the envelope, it turns out Lauren's gone. The judges do their best to make their applause fill up the entire hall. Cat asks the judges what they think. Nigel says, "Lauren knows, I've said before, that Lauren was always going to be one of my favourite dancers in this competition. She should be very proud of herself to be here now." He says she peaked a little too late for the public. Mary says she loved Lauren from the second she saw her, and has graced the stage with "class" and "elegance." Debbie spouts some of her nonsense about how Lauren has been part of a show that has "evangelized" dance and so the world will know her name. I do not believe any of these things to be true. But Debbie's so nice. Lauren says she had a wonderful time performing for everyone, and it's the best opportunity she's ever had. She starts to get a little misty-eyed, and we get a video montage in which the producers managed to find some shots of Lauren mugging for the camera. Nice job!
Pasha and Neil get called up. Cat notes how eerie it is to hear almost no applause as they do this. Well, I expect the eliminated dancer might as well get used to being applauded for everything he does. And that dancer will be Pasha. Neil's through to the finale. Neil almost doesn't react at first -- I think he was genuinely surprised. Pasha accepts the verdict with his usual stoicism. Nigel tells him that he's grown every week and is a wonderful partner. "Outside of your dancing, you're such a warm, charismatic person," he says, adding that Pasha is a "charming gentleman" and was a pleasure to have on the show. Cat points out that Pasha's one of her favourites. "He is one of my favourites, and it is really hard," she says, waving a hand in front of her face. Either she's trying to ward off tears, or waving away another Nigel Lythgoe fart cloud. She calls him a "great ambassador" for ballroom dancing, and she is genuinely near tears. Aw. Debbie goes on about ten and a half million people knowing his name, and so he should take some acting lessons because there's no end of the road for him, and blah blah blah. Yep, ten and a half million people know his name, Debbie, and those ten and a half million people liked the other two guys better. Pasha's video montage has the added bonus of giving us some footage of his former partner Anya.
Cat calls Lauren back out on stage to wave goodbye, and then calls out the other dancers for some more hugging. Without people to applaud, the goodbyes do seem really weird. Lacey looks genuinely glum at Pasha's elimination; she wraps her arms around him and she ain't letting go.
For the finale: I like Danny and Sabra, but I have a feeling the Lacey juggernaut's going to take on all comers…