Clark decides to whisk Lois away to the McDougal Inn for a romantic weekend away from the big city where Lois accidentally releases the 300-year-old spirit of a man-hating Scottish banshee. The banshee goes around possessing different women at the inn and offing their men. It's after the first man falls victim that Clark and Lois run into Oliver and Chloe, who've also come to the inn looking for a little quality nookie time. Lois couldn't be happier for them, but Clark is worried Oliver will hurt Chloe. Oliver starts worrying, too, and ends up scaring Chloe off by buying her a seemingly romantic gift. Chloe goes for a walk in the woods and ends up possessed by the banshee. Stripping down to bare skin, she ambushes Clark in the shower, much to his and Lois's distress. Lois flees the scene, gets possessed herself, and tries to kill Oliver. Luckily, Chloe and a helpful innkeeper figure out how to stop the banshee before that can happen. Oliver and Chloe end up talking things out like real people (I know! I was shocked!) and it turns out the gift was just a souvenir spoon and not some declaration of ultra serious relationship crap. Thank goodness.
Meanwhile, Zod is enjoying his new powers by trying to manhandle Tess and order her around, but she secretly uses Kryptonite on him, bringing him to his knees. Because they are both messed up in the head, this leads to them sleeping together. Their pillow talk consists of trying to figure out each other's weaknesses. Later, Zod disguises his voice like the Blur's (how he knew to do that, I have no idea) to call Lois, who seems all to eager to break away from a romantic moment with Clark to help him. He basically asks Lois for dirt on Tess. When Tess finds out, she's gonna be mad. And probably turned on.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what other superbeings have crossed Clark in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!
An SUV speeds down a quiet country road. It's night and the moon -- so enormous when hanging over the Metropolis skyline -- is but a wee glowing droplet above the trees. Inside the SUV, Chloe sits in the passenger seat, computer open in her lap. The screen shows a map of the city. Via wireless headset, she feeds information from the computer to Clark. First she tells him about a carjacking in progress, which we hear him respond to with a super-speedy whoosh. Chloe then sends him off to a mugging, which he takes care of in equally quick fashion. She starts to send him around the corner to stop some other crime, but he whooshes off and handles it before she can even finish. I'd love to know how cops feel about the Blur. I mean, they're basically just the Blur's cleanup crew now. By the time they show up, all that's left to do is paint over his S-shield graffiti and file the paperwork. Chloe's impressed with how quickly Clark took care of everything. With a final look at her computer screen, she tells him, "OK, cowboy, looks like we're all clear on the western front for now." The northern, southern and eastern fronts can go fend for their own damn selves. Clark tells her that John Jones is taking over for him so he can spend a romantic weekend with Lois. Grinning, Chloe teases him about being able to handle two nights with Lois. "I think I'm up to the challenge," he laughs. Before Clark signs off, he "casually" mentions to her that Bart's in town and suggests the two of them hang out. Chloe thanks him with a good dose of snark, and then: "I'm hanging up now." It's all friendly and chit-chatty in a way that the show's been needing for ages. Chloe casts a sly smile over at the still-unseen driver as they head down the road.
Clark shows up at the Daily Planet to pick up Lois. Aw, he's wearing plaid. It seems like forever since he's done that. She's just finishing up her last assignment when he approaches her desk. He suggests they head out before their editor can send her off after another story. "Where's your bag?" he asks. It turns out Lois packed multiple, gigantic suitcases, each one suited to a different getaway scenario since Clark wouldn't tell her where they're going. Comical music plays, of course. She's got one bag for snow, one for surf, one for the city. Clark asks her if she's got anything for a countryside bed and breakfast. Wouldn't you know? There's a fourth gigantic suitcase at the ready! As they leave arm in arm, he finally tells her they're off to the McDougal Inn. And they just leave all those other suitcases behind? I bet John Jones spends the whole weekend babysitting them. [Five bucks says half the Planet staff puts in a call to Homeland Security reporting unattended luggage. If you see something, say something. - Zach] Instantly, we're transported to the cozy inn in question, surrounded by piny forest. At the front desk inside, a feminine hand signs the guest book: Mr. & Mrs. Green. A redheaded young woman behind the desk asks "Mrs. Green" what size bed she would like. "Make it a queen," Chloe's voice answers. As the innkeeper hands the keys over, we finally see that Chloe's companion is Oliver. He puts his arm around her shoulders and squeezes. They give each other flirtatious smiles. Somebody save the bed springs!
Zod waits politely till after the opening credits and commercials to zip through the night sky. He lands neatly on the Daily Planet's rooftop between two fluttering American flags. He's taken to wearing a long, black leather coat that looks like it weighs nearly as much he does. It doesn't seem like a particularly aerodynamic choice, sartorially speaking. At top speeds, the rapid flapping of that weighty hem probably sounds like monstrously bad flatulence. Zod stands over the city, using his new super-hearing to pick up on the sounds of conversation below. Overly enthused voice actors talk about how low the crime rate is lately because of the Blur. I don't know, didn't a carjacking and two other crimes just happen? In, like, a 30-second span? [They must mean the crime-completion rate. The crime-commencement rate is still the same. - Z] Some kid's voice asks his daddy to tell him a story about the Blur. Zod turns off the super-hearing in disgust. Just then, he gets a text message: We need to meet. As he holds his phone, we see he's also wearing black leather gloves, so now you know he's really, really bad. He looks none too happy about the message.
McDougal Inn. Lois and Clark trudge inside, the night behind them filled with rain and flashes of lightning. Lois complains loudly about how hungry she is and how she already ate the granola bar that was in her purse. You know how some sharks have to keep swimming to breathe? I think Lois has to keep talking to breathe. She's a conversation shark. Clark, carrying their bags just smiles and points out that maybe they shouldn't have driven 40 miles out of their way to see "the world's largest ball of yarn." Seriously? You had a bed and your hot boyfriend ahead of you and you went to look at yarn? "You'll thank me later," she says to him, teasingly. I bet he won't. [Maybe she bought woolen lingerie at the gift shop? - Z] Clark rings the bell at the front desk. All of three seconds pass before Lois rings the bell herself, several more times. The innkeeper comes down the stairs. Unfortunately, the room Clark reserved has suffered a leak thanks to the storm. Clark asks for any other room she has, but there isn't one. "Before I realized the pipe had burst, I gave the last one away," the innkeeper says. [If it was the last one, why did they get a choice of bed size? Oh, right. Pun purposes. - Z] Clark tries to keep a polite face but if you listen carefully, you can hear a frustrated wail come from his underpants. Lois looks over the guest book, sees "Mr. & Mrs. Green" listed, and starts off to confront them. Thankfully, Clark catches her arm and pulls her back toward him. Clark goes off to fix the leaky room himself. Lois looks all impressed at her handy man. Clark is less impressed with the room when he sees it: There are towels on the floor, the furniture's been shoved aside, a bucket to catch the drips, and a piece of the ceiling has given way where the pipe is leaking. Clark solders it with his heat vision and then glances around the room at the interior decorator's nightmare that awaits him.
Downstairs, Lois is gathering up their luggage with a sigh. Behind her is a large, very old, very expensive-looking portrait of a Scottish gentleman in a kilt. As she struggles with her gigantic suitcase, the duffle she's holding in her other hand scrapes across the painting. There's an audible rip of canvas and Lois looks up, horrified to see the fresh tear in the Scotsman's face. As she glances around for witnesses, she misses the bright, eerie light that suddenly radiates from the rip in the canvas. "That's what you get for not packing light," she says to herself. She sees the innkeeper and gives a sheepish apology. The innkeeper isn't too upset: "If you ask me, great-great-great Uncle Bevan had it coming." Uncle Bastard, the innkeeper explains, usurped his sister Siobhan's birthright, took her crown and castle, then killed her. Lois snarks about men wearing skirts not being very progressive. The innkeeper exposits the supernatural tale of Sister Siobhan, who felt so wronged that she vowed to return from the underworld. "She was granted her wish, but at a price," says the innkeeper, who I wish had a name. "Since she was killed by a man, she was cursed to kill men," she says almost gleefully. Lois is creeped out, but covers with good cheer. The innkeeper offers her some tea, but Lois is distracted by an amorous young man and woman sitting on a sofa by the fire. They smooch and canoodle, oblivious to the world around them. Lois quietly suggests taking their room: "They obviously don't need it!" I beg to differ. The innkeeper smiles awkwardly, unsure of what to say until Lois pretends she was just joking. She goes off to find Clark. The painting glows again and wisps of light reach out to the frisky young woman on the sofa. A flash like lightning under her skin makes her face look skeletal for a moment. Her eyes glow white and a streak of her dark hair turns pale. She leads her lover out of the room with a mischievous smile. The angry elephant trumpets a warning.
Lois finds Clark in their room, which he has restored to all its cozy glory, complete with roaring fire and lit candles. "Turns out the leak wasn't as bad as she said it was," Clark says. Lois sighs. "Clark Kent, my hero." They beam at each other for a while. Some undetermined amount of time later, Lois is behind a privacy screen, getting dressed for bed. The camera pans across the impressive assortment of lingerie Lois has brought with her. She smiles shyly at herself in a mirror, takes a deep breath, and peers through the screen to where Clark, in his pajamas, is trying out different ways to arrange the pillows on the bed. Lois smiles, obviously relieved that Clark seems as nervous as she does. Clark dims the lights a bit then spies Lois's shapely form through the screen. When she finally steps into the room, she's wearing a teal blue number that favors her assets but not in the fetishized, trashy way you may have come to expect from this show. She stands nervously for Clark's approval and asks, "Too much?" He thinks it's perfect. It very nearly matches the color of his gonads, thanks to that side trip to the yarn ball. Then he lets his nerves get the best of him and he asks Lois what side of the bed she'd prefer to sleep on. They go back and forth over who gets what side until the moment pretty much passes them by. They climb into bed and lie down, face to face, and make a little small talk. They're just about to kiss when they hear a sound like a ferret being used as an electric guitar string. There's a flash of light. "What the hell was that?" Lois asks. A mood-killer, that's what. We get to see the real answer: Outside, the young lady from earlier is dragging her now-deceased paramour through the woods. In fact, he's not just deceased, but thoroughly desiccated, as well. Every time there's a flash of lightning, the woman's face glows with corresponding flashes of that skeletal visage. Commercials!
The guests of the McDougal Inn have used the last two minutes to throw on their robes and gather outside on the porch. Couples cling together and peer out at the woods. Clark and Lois join them. The innkeeper arrives to assure everyone that there's nothing to worry about. "What could have made that noise?" Clark asks. It's too bad you don't have X-ray vision you could use to scan the forest, or anything. "There are wolves in the forest," the innkeeper says, "maybe it was one of them." I'm sure the knowledge of preternaturally screeching wolves will put your guests at ease in no time. Well enough satisfied with that lame answer, Clark and Lois head back inside -- where they promptly run into Chloe and Oliver, who are wearing matching plaid robes. Everyone stares at each other for a few moments, mouths agape. "Twist!" Lois finally remarks. Oliver pretends to study the pattern on his robe. Heh.
The morning, Clark and Lois are heading down the stairs and into the dining room. Lois is already in full conversation-shark mode. "How can you be so ehh about the whole thing?" she asks, gesturing wildly. "This is Chloe and Oliver! Together! Here!" She asks if he knew the two of them were dating. Before he can get a word in, she answers for him: "No, of course you didn't, I mean, I didn't even know they were dating!" No offense, Lois, but you're not the most observant girl around. As they find their table, she suggests they sit with Chloe and Oliver. Clark thinks they should give them space. "They obviously came here to escape from everything, kind of like we did," Clark says, pointedly. Lois takes a breath and apologizes for running a "verbal marathon" and then falling asleep on him last night, but promises to make it up to him tonight. Seriously? You'd rather see yarn and talk about other people's relationships than get it on with Clark? What the hell? Clark charmingly says he could wait forever for her. They smile at each other. Upstairs, Oliver and Chloe are just coming out of their room, giggling over something. I'm guessing they didn't spend all night talking. Or at least not just talking. Chloe notices Lois and Clark in the dining room below and lets out a strained, "Ohhh, God," like she'd forgotten about them until just then. Oliver suggests they pretend not to see them, which elicits another laugh from Chloe. Lois waves them over. Chloe tells Oliver to give it up. "It's Lois -- she makes Susan B. Anthony look like a quitter." Yeah, but does Lois have her own coin? I think not.
Lois continues waving them over even as they approach the table. She couldn't be more animated. She's pretty adorable this way. They should have her be friendly and happy more often. She pulls Chloe into the seat beside her, leaving Oliver to sit to Clark. "We had no idea the two of you would be here," Chloe says. "And we had no idea there was even a 'you two,'" Lois says, back to talking a mile a minute. She goes on about how perfect it is and how fate has brought them all together. Oliver, not quite able to figure out where he should be looking, says it wasn't fate that brought them there. "More like fame," Chloe says. She explains they wanted to get far enough away that the society pages wouldn't be able to track down "Star City's most eligible bachelor." "You mean ex-bachelor," Lois corrects her with obvious glee. Chloe changes the subject by trying to figure out how Clark and Lois managed to find out about the inn. Clark says he found a brochure in the Talon apartment and figured that Lois wanted to come here. Lois has no idea what he's talking about. "That wasn't Lois's brochure, Clark," Chloe says slowly. It was hers. Clark looks to Oliver, who glances down at the table but cannot hide how funny he's finding this whole thing. He looks to Lois, as if for backup, but she just keeps grinning. Finally, Clark asks, "How was I supposed to know?" Chloe says he wasn't, which was sort of the point. Oliver can't resist teasing him: "I learned a long time ago not to assume what belongs to who in that apartment. You gotta use context clues." There's a long, awkward moment for Clark, which Lois decides to interrupt by introducing the topic of Oliver getting it on with her cousin. Oliver is not at all surprised by Lois's choice of conversation. Clark wants to change the subject: "I think they came here for brunch." Lois thinks that's a great idea. "Look, Chloe, there's food!" she says in a hilariously over-the-top way. Chloe gets up and heads toward the buffet table, but Lois grabs her arm and with no subtlety at all drags her off toward another room. Chloe lets out a startled, "Whoa!" Heh. Clark and Oliver are left to sit in increasingly awkward silence. Oliver points out the "little jellies" on the table. Clark drums his fingers and says nothing. Hee.
Chloe and Lois end up on the porch. Chloe, displaying a trait that must run in their family, immediately starts blathering about how she already knows that Lois is going to tell her to cut her losses, given Oliver's track record with relationships. Lois faces her cousin, cutting her off. "Or I could say this is one for the 'win' column," she says. "I think it's great that you and Oliver are together!" Chloe is genuinely surprised by that. Lois is already looking forward to double-dating with them. Chloe tries to explain that she and Oliver are not a couple, but Lois isn't buying it. Chloe says they're just having fun and don't want to make things complicated. "I'm glad you've found someone that makes you happy," she says, "but we're not all cut out for coupledom." That's something she doesn't have to worry about with Ollie, she says. "We're no flowers, no presents, no pressure... and no strings." Lois starts to object, but Chloe holds up a silencing finger. "And with you, we're no comment." Lois struggles not to say anything but eventually acquiesces by making the little "my lips are sealed" gesture with her hands.
Back at the table, Clark and Oliver are still passing the time in awkward silence. Clark picks up a dainty teacup in his enormous paw and takes a sip, which Oliver seems to find as amusing to watch as I do. "So!" Oliver finally says. "You save any orphans recently? Old ladies, maybe?" Clark says he stopped a bank robbery, which elicits a few sounds of encouragement from Oliver. "How about you?" Clark asks. "Anything new?" Oliver answers in the negative first, but then remembers a new compound bow he's been trying out that seems promising. It's so funny that this is smalltalk for them and so frustrating that the show doesn't have characters talking like this more often. It makes them seem much more real and relatable and worth investing in. Plus, it's got to be tons more fun to write than the usual reams of exposition and ponderous monologues about power/destiny/darkness that usually bog the show down. Sigh. Clark tries to talk about something more serious: "I know it's not my place to say--" "Then don't say anything," Oliver cuts him off. Clark pauses, then keeps going: "But after everything Chloe's been through, I don't want to see her get hurt." Oliver chuckles lightly, but points out that Chloe's stronger than Clark thinks. Clark doesn't quite look at Oliver through this exchange, but he seems pretty passionate about making his case. One of Chloe's strengths, Clark says, is that she sacrifices what she wants in order to give others what they need. Oliver keeps his tone light, but the discussion is starting to bother him. "How do you know this isn't what she wants?" he asks. Clark finally glances at Oliver, telling him not to take Chloe for granted. Sounds like he's speaking from experience. Oliver fidgets and looks away.
Kent farm. Tess stands in Clark's loft, hands braced on the window frame, gazing outward as if surveying her mighty kingdom of hay and fossilized cow patties. Zod comes up the stairs behind her, taking each step with ponderous deliberation. Or maybe that leather coat is weighing him down, even with his new super powers. "Your choice of meeting place is revealing," he says. "Even when he's gone, Clark rules your mind." "And yours," Tess says as she turns toward him. The backdrop behind her looks terrible. They should have just shot around the window if they couldn't come up with something that looked like the real outdoors. Tess says she wanted to meet here because Clark is the one thing they have in common. She presumes that Zod wants the same thing she does, namely a better world. Zod doesn't respond to that. He starts nosing around Clark's stuff, opening a cigar box that contains a stack of photos. He starts talking to Tess about how she "craves" a man who's her equal. "But everyone you've ever let in has betrayed you," he says, "and will never trust you." Tess thinks trust sometimes comes at too high a price, but Zod thinks obsession costs even more. This is like if a bad romance novel were set at the NYSE. They saunter up to each other until they're standing nearly chest to chest. "Come with me," Zod whispers. He invites her to go to Cyprus for wine and swimming. This tips Tess off to the fact that he sounds more carefree than his "usual, goal-oriented self." He assures her, in a husky voice, that he still has goals. She presses up against him and slides a hand up under his shirt. She asks him if he still has secrets and he denies having secrets from her. She stops diving for bellybutton lint and walks a few paces past Zod. When she turns back to look at him again, she has a gun aimed at him. She fires and he neatly catches the bullet in his gloved hand. "I don't remember you telling me you discovered your powers," Tess says. "How did you find out?" Zod asks, not looking quite as flirty as before. She says he's a soldier with a cause, he doesn't have time to go off to Cyprus unless he's won the war. "Your instincts are remarkable," Zod says. "So is your ability to heal," Tess responds with a glance at his tummy. She notes he was shot recently but she didn't feel a scar. She gloats about her awesome instincts. He advances on her. He traces the side of her face with his gloved fingertips, down to her jaw, and then grabs her by the neck. She gasps sharply as he lifts her a foot off the ground. Zod says he can't afford to let her share his secret. Moron, does she look like someone who shares? He gives her a little jerk and she whimpers. "What would you do if our positions were reversed?" he murmurs. She would enunciate more clearly, for starters. Suddenly, there's a small metallic clink and Zod looks ill. He crumples to the floor, releasing her. There's the telltale humming of activated Kryptonite. Sure enough, Tess is holding behind her back a small hinged container of glowing green crystal. Tess enjoys watching Zod squirm for a bit as she slowly gets to her feet. "In every relationship, one person stands," she says, "while the other one kneels." She grabs a helpless Zod by the lapels and warns him she won't be forced down again. "I wouldn't want you to be," he chokes out. While he's still grunting and gurgling like he might barf, she takes his face in her hand and kisses him. In mid-kiss, she flicks the Krypto-container closed behind her. Zod, immediately feeling better and fully assy once more, grabs Tess by the hair and pulls her in for another kiss. They start making out like horny, mentally unstable teenagers.
It's nighttime again at the McDougal Inn. Chloe and Oliver have just returned from, it seems, a day of wine tasting. Laughing, Chloe backs into their room, tugging Oliver in with her. She teases that his taste in wine is almost as good as his taste in women. He wraps his arms around her and teases back that she seems to have a little wine on her lips and kisses it away for her. How thoughtful. She giggles and he moves down to her neck. Somehow, she manages to focus long enough to notice that there's a small, neatly wrapped gift box on their bed. Chloe is strangely distraught. "Unless Christmas came early, that better not have my name on it." Oliver snatches the box from the bed and holds it out to her. "Maybe you've just been especially good this year," he says. "Maybe I shouldn't take someone like you for granted." His expression is so open and happy that he looks like a kid. I'm trying to keep in mind that he's actually a would-be murderer and world-class jerk, but he's making it hard! Chloe says she didn't think he was taking her for granted, and takes the box from him. There's a McDougal Inn sticker on it. Oliver, still looking all cute and boyish, waits for her to open it, but Chloe comes to a realization. "Clark said something, didn't he?" Oliver insists it's just a gift but Chloe goes all commitmentphobe on him about how there's some unspoken part to gifts that would make things complicated between them. "I wanted to keep things simple," Chloe says, "you know, with no strings or ribbons!" Oliver looks like he wants to cry. Chloe grabs her jacket and says she's going for a walk. She says she wants to "hit the reset button" when she comes back, but doesn't wait for Oliver's reply. He watches sadly as she goes.
Downstairs, Chloe picks up a kerosene lamp and heads out into the dark, ominous woods. On first viewing, I thought this was a dumb move, but now I realize she wasn't on the porch the night before when the innkeeper told them that screeching wolves live in the forest. Chloe follows a lighted path over a footbridge and sees a woman standing in the distance. Chloe calls out to her. Lightning flashes and the woman's face glows. Chloe makes her way closer to the woman, straining in the darkness for a better look. When Chloe reaches the spot where the woman was standing, she's gone. "So much for a relaxing walk to calm my nerves," Chloe says. As she turns to head back toward the inn, she trips over something in the leaves. It's the desiccated guy's leg. Chloe reaches down and pulls back a bit of wood, revealing his silently screaming, rotted face. The angry elephant trumpets a warning. Chloe gasps and jerks back. "That's definitely not calm!" she says for no reason, sounding a lot like Lois. She turns to get away but runs into the mystery woman. The skeleton mask beneath her skin glows. Chloe tries to run, but the woman grabs her shoulder. There's a flash of light and the bony face transfers to Chloe. A streak of her hair turns pale, although it's hard to tell because her hair's pretty light already. Newly possessed Chloe pants and grins with pleasure at this unexpected turn of events. Commercials!
Back at the inn, Lois is playfully shoving Clark out of their room. "Just give me ten minutes," she says, "and you'll get a surprise." He tells her she'll never stop surprising him. She gives him a kiss and closes the door between them. Chloe comes around the corner and stops in her tracks when spies this hunk of manliness. "Chloe," Clark says with a nod and walks past her. "Well, hello to you, too," she says, eying his retreating form like a Cheesecake Factory menu. The thing we see is the inside of a bathroom. Clark is having a shower and singing a tuneless ditty, the words to which are, "I can't tell you, Lois." Can't tell Lois... what, exactly? That you're an alien? That you're the Blur? That you're addicted to the Real Housewives franchise? As he's singing, the door opens and a woman walks in. We see only her well-manicured feet. Clark throws open the shower curtain, baring his glistening nakedness to... "Chloe?" he asks, after staring at her for a full three seconds. She grins at him, clad only in a red towel. Clark finally realizes he's naked and yanks the shower curtain around his torso. "What are you doing in here?" he asks. She wanted to join him, she says, dropping her towel. His eyes bug out of their sockets before he looks away. He reaches for a towel and wraps himself up. Clark, still averting his eyes, shoves a second towel at Chloe. He offers to let her have the shower, but she presses up against him. "It's not the shower I want," she says. He holds her at arm's length. "Chloe, how much wine did you have to drink with dinner?" She manages to snuggle up to him again and asks if he'd like to share a bottle with her, or maybe go for a walk in the woods. "I don't think that Oliver would appreciate it," Clark says. Chloe looks at him quizzically. You know, it's too bad Clark doesn't have super-speed or anything so he could just zip himself away from this whole embarrassing situation. Oh, wait...
Naturally, Lois opens the bathroom door at this moment and witnesses the seemingly romantic moment between her boyfriend and her cousin. Also, she's in a tarty little Scottish schoolgirl number, complete with corset, mini-kilt and knee-high socks. Does this woman just have a slutty costume for every occasion or did she manage to find it in the gift shop? She's got a bottle of bubble bath or something in her hand. Clark tries to explain, but Lois isn't having it. Chloe, one arm still draped over Clark, seems quite pleased. She hands the bottle to Chloe for no reason other than the writers needed a way to get Lois possessed. The glowing light transfers from Chloe to Lois. As Lois shuts the door between them, her eyes glow and a streak of her hair turns pale. She smiles. Inside the bathroom, Chloe suddenly goes limp and starts to fall. Clark catches her, one hand cradling the back of her head. As she regains her senses, the first thing she sees is Clark's still-wet chest. "What are you doing?" she asks. He asks, "What are you doing?" Chloe suddenly realizes she's wearing a towel. She jerks back with a squeal and beats a hasty retreat. Clark stands there, looking befuddled and moist.
The newly possessed Lois wanders the halls until she runs into Oliver. He greets her with a friendly "Hey!" then gets an eyeful of her getup. "You got any bagpipes to go with that outfit, lassie?" he jokes. He thinks it's cute that Clark and Lois are having fun. He changes the subject and says he's looking for Chloe. "She took a walk a while ago, she hasn't returned," he says. "I'm getting a little worried about her." Aw. Must... resist... charms! Lois says she was just with Chloe and offers to take him to her. Elsewhere, Clark and Chloe (now fully clothed) are looking for Lois. Clark says that the truck is still there, so she hasn't driven home on her own. Chloe notes that Oliver wasn't in their room, either. "We're definitely being roasted, not toasted, over a bottle of McDougal's finest tonight," Chloe says. Ugh. Clark and Chloe talk about the bathroom incident. She says she completely blanked out. Clark prods: "You don't remember seeing..." He trails off, gesturing vaguely at his body. Chloe is aghast at the possibility. She realizes this means Clark saw her naked, too. He politely says nothing. They head into the woods with Chloe swearing off couple's vacations. "If I don't find Lois, this will be the last vacation I take with anyone," Clark says. That allows Chloe to segue into the nth most awkward topic of discussion of the weekend, what Clark had in mind when he took Lois on a romantic getaway. Specifically, what happened to his concern about the bed part of bed & breakfast? He looks utterly confused, so she basically spells it out for him that he used to be worried about sleeping with non-powered people. Clark, finally catching on, stops her. "My training with Jor-El has helped me to manage my powers better," he says. Now it's Chloe's turn to be confused, so Clark clarifies: "Let's just say that I'm in control... of everything." I'm terribly disappointed we didn't get to see that training session. Disappointed, and still sort of grossed out that Clark planned to sleep with Lois without telling her the truth. Clark changes the subject back to Chloe's blackout and asks about the last thing she remembers. "Oliver and I were having a talk, thanks to someone's overdeveloped protective instincts," she says pointedly. Then she remembers going for a walk in the woods.
She leads him to the spot where she dropped her lamp. Clark sees shallow furrows in the ground leading to a pair of legs only half-hidden beneath forest debris. They rush over and see the dead guy's desiccated corpse. "This is so not the weekend I had in mind," Chloe says. The corpse is all, "You and me both, sister." Clark asks if Chloe thinks she was the one responsible. She's horrified at the possibility for a few moments, then remembers that there was someone else out in the woods with her. "There was a face," she says, "like a phantom." Chloe describes it as "black, white and weird all over." Ugh. I wish a phantom would possess me right now so I could black out and forget this dialogue! Alas, it goes on as Chloe says: "And since this is where my memory hits a roadblock, I'm guessing that spirit started driving this dune buggy." Seriously, if there are any banshees around, now's your chance! I'm all yours! Chloe figures she must have been possessed, the lucky wench. Clark says they need to find the spirit before it kills again. While they stand around frowning at each other and the dead guy, a possessed Lois is leading Oliver through another part of the woods. Oliver grumps about Chloe going off for a walk in the woods. "I hope she left a trail of breadcrumbs, because if she didn't we might never find our way out of here." "Oh, I'll be leaving these woods," Lois says, then slams Oliver against a nearby tree. "But you won't." I wondered why she was waiting so long to kill him, but now I realize she was waiting for him to give her an opening for that line. She hurls him through the trees, still holding onto his jacket. It's sort of funny-looking. They land with a thud. As Oliver stares up at Lois, the skeletal banshee face flashes beneath her own. Commercials!
McDougal Inn. Clark and Chloe follow the innkeeper inside, having apparently already explained their crazy theory to her. "Look," she says, "the legend of Siobhan McDougal is just a ghost story!" Clark points out that there's a "confused co-ed" in the inn's living room and a dead body outside. He wants to hear the rest of Siobhan's story. The innkeeper clearly thinks they're nuttier than a pecan harvest but humors them with the tale. She was killed and her soul was sent to the underworld, where she was given powers, like "uncommon strength" and the ability to kill men with her wailing. The innkeeper goes on: "The superstitious villagers also gave her a new name: the Silver Banshee." "OK, the last time I checked, the underworld was still underground," Chloe says. Really? You checked up on the underworld? She wants to know how Siobhan escaped. The innkeeper McExposits about a legendary portal created in Siobhan's image. Bevan, fearing for his life, covered the relic with Siobhan's blood to seal the portal. Clark remembers he's in the scene and pipes up: "A relic in her image? Like a statue, or an engraving?" Chloe somehow comes to the conclusion that it's a painting. They all turn toward Uncle Bevan's portrait. Clark uses his X-ray vision and sees that underneath that painting, there's another canvas bearing Siobhan's image. Chloe goes over to the painting, touching the tear in the canvas and brings the whole boring thing full circle: "And then Lois must have accidentally opened the portal when she scraped it." Clark tasks Chloe with figuring out how to close the portal while he goes off to find Siobhan. The innkeeper looks on as Chloe takes a letter opener from the front desk and cuts away at the top canvas. Siobhan's face, as it comes to light, flashes and glows.
Back in the woods, a possessed Lois is tossing Oliver around a bit more. As he rolls to the ground, she throws her arms wide and sheds Lois's body in a flash of light. That's... very dumb. It's not as if she had just been shape-shifting to look like Lois -- she was actually in Lois. Then, suddenly, Siobhan is standing there and Lois is totally vanished. Also, the Silver Banshee makeup/costume is dreadful. She's got panda-black eye makeup and this wild mullet hair and a body stocking that looks like she made it in underworld Home Ec. [Sadly, that's comic-accurate. - Z] Then she starts to speak in an echo-y Irish/Scottish/crap accent: "I was denied vengeance just as I was denied power, but now I shall have both!" Oliver, echoing my fashion sense, makes fun of her hair. She screams at him. The "wail" effect looks almost exactly like the "subsonic scream" effect they use for Black Canary. Oliver clutches his ears and passes out. Clark appears in the woods behind Oliver and calls her name. She stops screaming long enough to regard this handsome intruder. Clark says he knows her story: "But killing men won't make up for what was done to you!" "Maybe not," she says, "but it does make me feel better." She grins at him, exposing a mouthful of rotted teeth. If the wailing doesn't kill you, the halitosis surely will. She lets loose a scream at Clark, who super-zips into the sound wave's path and blasts it with his heat-vision. That's right, he fights sound with fire. It works about as well as you would expect, which is to say not at all and the force of the wail sends him hurtling backwards. He lands on his back with a grunt.
Inside the inn, the innkeeper has found Uncle Bevan's diary and hands it to Chloe. Chloe thumbs through it, then says, "I don't suppose you read Gaelic?" Why, as a matter of fact, she does! She takes the diary and reads: "'We banished her soul with blood and flame, then burned her body so her spirit could not walk again.'" Chloe thinks about it for a second, then figures that they're supposed to close the portal with fire. She hacks the canvas out of the frame and tosses it into the fireplace. Siobhan's painted face burns. In the woods, Clark is still reeling from being wailed on. Siobhan approaches and lets out another scream, but she's suddenly enveloped in flames. She screams and flails, then the fire billows out and burns her away. All that's left are a few smoldering embers on the ground. Commercials.
Luthor mansion. Zod and Tess are lying in bed, indulging in a little post-coital chit-chat. "You're remarkable," Zod coos at her. "Beautiful, strong... able to spar with me on an equal footing." He thinks she's "almost Kryptonian." The red satin sheets are down to his waist, showing a big honking tattoo on his back. It's a Kandorian symbol, but not his name. He wants to know how Tess weakened him in the barn. She shrugs and smiles coyly at him. "You have your secrets and I have mine." She says they're even. He says, not in a threatening tone, that he'll do anything to protect his power. She says few could stop him. "Which is why the knowledge you have is so valuable," he says. She assures him they're on the same side. He mentions his "competition." Tess lightly touches the side of his face, and says, "If you're referring to Clark, you have met your match, but he's not your competition." Clark is one of them, she says. Zod points out that, thanks in part to the Daily Planet and Lois, the "Blur" has become the new messiah. "Now, I may be able to fly," he says, "but the world would willingly follow him on foot." Which is a good thing, I guess, since Clark is still as flightless as an emu. Tess teases that Zod is jealous. Zod doesn't deny it. Instead, he wants to know what gives Clark that power and what will take it away. Tess smiles, but says nothing. Zod knows she'll never tell him. She kisses him on the lips before getting up to slip on a robe. She looks back at him. "Information is also power," she says, but you understand that better than anyone." I can't tell if she's challenging him to find out on his own or just taunting him. Either way, he lies there looking pissed.
McDougal Inn, the morning. Chloe sits outside, holding the gift from Oliver. She looks troubled as she starts to untie the ribbon. Oliver, just coming outside, hangs back in the doorway when he sees her. He smiles just slightly and waits, unseen, for her to open the box. She hesitates, then finally stuffs the unopened gift into her purse. Oliver speaks up: "It's a spoon." She looks up, seeing him for the first time. He explains he bought her a collectible spoon. It was a choice between that or some decorative soaps, he says, but now he's realizing she didn't really need either one. She gets up and takes a few steps towards him, meeting him halfway in more than one way: "I'm partial to sporks myself, but a girl can never have too many spoons." He apologizes for second-guessing himself and them. Chloe smiles and teases him about taking advice about relationships from Clark. He closes the remaining distance between them. Speaking of Clark, Oliver offers a little advice of his own: "time you want to take a shower with someone, Chloe, you can just ask me." Strictly for environmental purposes, of course. She laughs and says she wishes she could forget waking up in the shower with Clark. "It couldn't have been that bad," Oliver says with a smile, bringing up Chloe's past feelings for Clark. This whole thing, with characters talking like people who have actual lives and histories and emotions... it's so strange! And awesome! Chloe says all that was a long time ago. Oliver's expression grows a little more serious. "OK, yeah, I did love Clark," Chloe admits with an easy shrug. "A lot. And I waited for years for him to see that, to see me." But he never did, she says, growing thoughtful. "I think more than that, I just wanted someone who would get me." Clark is a good friend but he isn't that person. Oliver glances down until Chloe says it's fine. She assures him the wounds are healed. "Now there's just scars," she says. Oliver thinks about it, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully, and whispers, "It's Clark's loss." He does this adorable little shrug and smile. Stop winning me over, jerkface!
Chloe asks about Oliver's own loss: "I'm sure that Lois didn't have to drag you into the woods kicking and screaming." She sits on the porch railing and Oliver joins her. "Funny thing about scars," he says, "they're always there." Chloe looks sad for a moment and bows her head, not meeting his eyes, until he adds that it doesn't mean the scars haven't healed. "Sometimes they can be kind of cute, too," he adds. Chloe smiles like she can't help herself. He mentions a scar of hers that he's particularly partial to, but she cuts him off with a kiss. She pulls away, smiling, and whispers, "Shh." They smile at each other and the scene ends with a distance shot of them sitting on the porch, nose to nose. The whole thing was sweet and honest and realistic. What show is this?
Talon, night. A very much alive Lois walks into the apartment, Clark trailing behind her. Lois thinks they should skip bed and breakfasts for a while. Clark thinks it could have been worse. Seriously? People were possessed, at least one person died, and you didn't get laid. Your bar is set way too low, dude. Lois basically points out the same thing. "Well, we did get to see the world's largest ball of yarn," Clark says. Heh. "All thanks to my stellar sense of direction," Lois jokes. She says Clark would be lost without her. He smiles, but says nothing. This thing called "silence" is strange and confusing to Lois, so Clark makes his purpose clear by hoisting her up onto the kitchen counter. He kisses her. Tinkly music of impending nookie begins to play. As they kiss, he slides her jacket off her shoulders. Things seem pretty hot and heavy until Lois's cellphone rings. She offers to let it go to voice mail, but Clark says it might be important. She giddily grabs her phone and takes a few steps away from Clark for privacy. She answers and a familiar, computer-modulated voice greets her. "It's you," she breathes. "I was wondering... hoping that you'd call again." She sounds positively smitten. The voice of the "Blur" asks her to get information on Tess. Lois assures him he's come to the right girl. Of course, it's not really the real Blur, since the real Blur is in her living room with a raging boner. Rather, it's Zod, pacing around the Kent home, using Clark's special cellphone. Lois says she wants to help him. Zod pauses to look at a picture of Clark with Jonathan. "You can't tell anyone about it," Zod says. Lois looks back at Clark, who's obliviously flipping through a magazine in the other room. She promises not to tell anyone she's helping him. With a whoosh, Zod is suddenly standing on a rooftop in Metropolis. "I wouldn't ask if weren't a matter of life or death," he says. He hangs up. The music amps up to a shrill, atonal crescendo... and then the episode is over. I bet Zod spends all night sending texts to people, running up Clark's cell phone bill. Ooh, that'd cheese him off!
To wrap up: This episode shows how fun the show can be when the action and dialog are character-driven. When things are plot-driven, you end up with leaden exposition about ancient banshees and portals and Scottish power plays or whatever the hell. It's frustrating, because they have good characters who don't get to be the moving force behind the stories nearly often enough. All in all, though, it was a mostly fun episode, and even the bad parts weren't aggressively bad.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what other superbeings have crossed Clark in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!