Smallville, Smallville, Smallville. Just when I think I've got you figured out, you get into the sugar bowl and go toddler-crazy for an hour until you exhaust yourself and sleep in a pile of your own broken toys, in what may be the show's worst-ever season finale. It starts with Clark being visited by a rocket-boot-flying Rokk from the Legion of Superheroes (circa 1,000 years from now). He warns Clark that getting rid of Brainiac set off a chain of events with Chloe that leads to Doomsday killing Clark. It's going to happen tomorrow, he says, but it was too much trouble to come back in time any earlier to give Clark more time to prepare. They charge you for time travel by the minute, apparently. He gives Clark a new Legion ring to send Doomsday to the future. He says they can deal with him there. Clark ignores all that noise and goes with his own plan: to separate Doomsday from Davis using black Kryptonite and to get help from Oliver's team to trap Doomsday in an underground tunnel related to the geothermal project they've been mentioning. He gets assistance from Black Canary and Impulse. When Oliver tries to help, Clark reveals that Oliver was the one who murdered Lex Luthor and tries to throw Ollie out of the Justice League. That doesn't work out so well. Oliver, Impulse and Black Canary subdue Clark with a Kryptonite dart and leave him lying in the street so they can go deal with Doomsday.
Tess, meanwhile, has had her Kryptonite orb stolen. Her vault has been broken from the inside. Lois tries to get the help of the Red-Blue Blur, but instead learns that he plans to leave the city via a goodbye letter Clark has written to the city. As she tries to investigate Chloe's disappearance with Jimmy's help, Lois is caught by Tess sneaking around her office. They fight all over a newsroom desk where there's no security in the building. Lois wins the fight and finds the Legion ring. She puts it on her finger and apparently ends up being shot to the future to annoy future generations.
The Justice Leaguers find Chloe and Davis with the help of Tess's tracking device. Chloe tries to calm Davis down, but he goes beastly and attacks. Chloe manages to stick him in the chest with the black Kryptonite, splitting Davis from Doomsday. Luckily for all of them, Doomsday is only a little mad and leaves all of them unconscious on the floor, but still alive.
Jimmy finds Clark and removes the Kryptonite dart. Clark, grateful, reveals to Jimmy his secret. Not that he's an alien, but that he's the Red-Blue Blur. Jimmy, no longer strung out on drugs, it seems, suddenly understands why Chloe's been acting the way she has. Clark goes and finds the Justice Leaguers and Chloe. Everyone is fine. Clark goes after Doomsday and finds him on a street terrorizing at least half a dozen citizens, including one scared little girl. Clark gets punched a few times, but then sails at Doomsday and propels him to a factory where explosives are waiting to be set off. The two of them disappear into the explosion. That... was it? The big climactic battle? That was not good.
Jimmy takes Chloe to a giant Metropolis home that he apparently bought as their wedding gift for Chloe and never gave up. Even when he was on drugs and was trying to steal or borrow any cent he could find. Chloe reveals that she was doing everything to save Clark. They kiss. Davis, who is there with them, goes into a jealous rage and impales Jimmy with a giant pipe. Jimmy manages to fight back and impales Davis right back. Jimmy dies in Chloe's arms. But… wait for it! At Jimmy's funeral, we learn that "Henry James Olsen" has a little brother (what?) we've never heard about. While Oliver sheds a tear, Chloe gives the boy Jimmy's camera and hopes he might follow in Jimmy's footsteps. So, the Jimmy we all knew the last few seasons? Not the real Jimmy Olsen. Instead, it's this kid who wasn't even at Chloe and Jimmy's wedding. Yeah, this part's pretty much complete bullshit.
Clark goes to visit Chloe at her new place, her new Watchtower headquarters that can be seen from the whole city. Clark takes on the guilt for killing Jimmy and determines that he made a huge mistake having faith in the human side of Davis/Doomsday. It was the human Davis that stuck the pipe in Jimmy. Therefore, Clark wants no part of this crazy human race. He tells Chloe that "Clark Kent" is dead. Couldn't he have died about three seasons ago and saved us a lot of pain? Clark walks out in angsty slow motion, leaving Chloe to curiously put her hands on her belly, right where a baby could possibly be growing should the writers deem that necessary season.
Tess hears a noise in the night and goes to see what's up in the Luthor Manor. She finds the orb hovering outside. It blasts something into the ground. Tess looks and there's a naked man standing there. Is that Davis's body? Regardless, we get an idea of who's really in charge. A giant symbol burned into the ground around the man is that of our Kryptonian bad boy, General Zod. So, it looks like it'll be Season Nine: The Re-Zoddening.
Disjointed. Weird. Ret-conny. That was this episode. And that, kids, is how you don't put together a season finale.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of Smallville when he has No Prior Knowledge! And check back week for the full weecap!
I had planned to save this for the last page of the recap, a kind of sneak announcement for the most dedicated recap readers to send you off into the summer sun with a bit of news. But then I saw this week's finale, "Doomsday," and realized that, wow, most of you aren't going to make it to the end of this recap. I don't know if I'm going to make it to the end of this recap. What an awful episode.
On the other hand, it's a great way to end my run as Smallville recapper. Thanks, show. Yes, it's true. This is my last recap of Smallville for Television Without Pity. [Nooooooo! - Zach] I'll go into more detail at the end of the recap, but for now, as I'm expecting most of you won't read that far, let me just say it here: thank you for reading. All of you, haters and supporters, fans and nitpickers alike. I would have never made it through eight years of this... thing without your eyeballs and your feedback. You have my gratitude. The Gayest Look of the Series, it turned out, was between you and me, as we stared into each others' queerly loving eyes and wished this show were better than it really was. I hope it was good for you, too. Baby.
We open on the Metropolis skyline at night. Tens of thousands of lights each tell a different tale of the city, and it will turn out they'll all be more competently told than the one we're about to witness. We hear a rocket approaching from the right. Is the helicopter shooting this footage about to be taken down by a rogue missile? Instead, the projectile flies in from the right of the frame and blasts forward. We see it streak across the sky, this time from left to right. Then we see the figure of a man flying up among the buildings. It looks like he's got a blue jetpack doubling as his footwear. Another cut and we see the figure streaking downward to get to the roof of the Daily Planet building. Our familiar hero of sorts, Clark Kent, is standing on the roof waiting. He's wearing a light blue dress shirt and a tie. The rocket man was Rokk, who is still wearing strange buckles on his black jacket. I guess in the future, that's a thing. He thanks Clark for meeting him. Clark says he's not the one who had to travel 1,000 years to get here. Hell, Clark didn't even have to travel outside of the building. Rokk says he hopes he's not too late. Too late for what? You're the one with the time travel. How can you be late for anything? "For what?" Clark asks. "The future," Rokk says. Oh, you asshole! You come back from the future to say you hope you're not too late for the future? You already are! Maybe. Actually, I'm already getting a headache thinking about it. I already watched the Lost finale and that was more than enough time traveling for one week, thanks. Clark is intrigued. He tilts his head as if he's about to say, "The future, Conan?" Rokk walks past Clark and says he knows that every time they travel back, they run the risk of disrupting fate. To be honest, he says, he might not have a future to go back to if he mucks around in this time period. Wouldn't you just disappear instantly, having never existed long enough to travel back here? ACK! Ice cream headache!
Clark says he doesn't understand. Why am I not surprised? Clark thought everything was supposed to be fine if they got rid of Brainiac. Rokk says that everything is fine. Brainiac is gone. "But, so are you," he says. Then how does he know about Clark in the first place? Wouldn't Clark's notoriety in the future have been erased as well? Are only Rokk and his two buddies aware of it? He says that when Clark saved Chloe, he preserved her connection to Doomsday. He adds that Chloe stopped Clark from sending Doomsday to the Phantom Zone and made him invulnerable trying to kill him with Kryptonite. He's not a big Chloe fan right now. "And now because of Chloe, you cannot defeat him," Rokk says. Good, because I was about to go fight Doomsday in a sec and -- OH SHIT! Clark says he'd never take back his choice to save her. Rokk scoffs, as if to say, "On behalf of all of us in the future, thanks, dick." Rokk pulls out a ring with a familiar "L" on it. It's the Time Traveling Ring of Legionnaires. "I believe yours got a little scorched," Rokk says. Yeah, try to take care of this one. We had to send Josten's $200 to replace it! In 3009 money! It's very hard to find $200 that far in the future! Clark takes the ring. Rokk tells him to send Doomsday to the future, where they're ready to fight him. Clark turns, unconvinced. He says the Legion didn't unleash Doomsday, he did. Rokk, who, let us remember, is from the future, says, "KAL-EL!" What is with this guy? It's like he was raised on a farm and is herding chickens in his mind or something. Rokk explains, patiently under the circumstances, that there's nothing on this Earth that will stop Doomsday from killing Clark. Clark says he was told by his father that he was sent to save mankind. "Maybe this is my destiny," Clark reasons. To get killed? He thinks some more. He asks how long he's got. "Tomorrow is the day you die," Rokk says. Oh, nice. You have time travel, but you couldn't set the dial on the DeLorean back one week to give some time to prepare, sharpen some stakes, boil some holy water, maybe? Clark freezes his face in a Blue Steel pose that, I admit, I am going to miss.
Opening credits. Goodbye, opening credits. Goodbye, Remy Zero.
Commercials. Dear Chili's: I can smell the grease right through the TV. Seriously. Not everything has to be fried, all right?
Edge City. The camera lowers its gaze from a highway overpass and a bit of night sky to the crappy train-track area below, where Chloe and Davis are lying on the hood of a yellow car. There are fast food containers nearby and the two of them are engaging in post-grease stargazing. This isn't exactly the terrifying game of cat-and-mouse we were expecting. In fact, Chloe says that you might chalk it up to sleep deprivation, but she's having a hard time seeing a toga-clad woman up in the stars. Davis, suddenly the astrology scholar, says that's Demeter. He says her daughter Persephone was taken by Hades to the Underworld. She says Demeter enlisted the Gods' help to find her daughter, but when Hades offered Persephone her freedom, she surprised everyone by choosing to live underground with the dark prince. Is there a God of overly on-the-nose mythological references in fiction? Anvilophones, perhaps? Rather than jumping for joy at how clever this all is, Davis sounds pretty glum. Chloe glances over at him. He scoffs and says, "We're actually going to pull this off, aren't we?" He thinks they're going to go someplace to slow down and build a life together. Given that Chloe won't have sex with you, I'd hold off on imagining a fairy-tale ending, Davis. Chloe, smiling, says, "As long as we can keep the Gods from hunting us." Good luck with that. They're called "Gods" for a reason. We switch to different view from an angle behind them and can see the slummy neighborhood where they're hanging out. It's not pretty. The full moon hangs above. A shooting star sails across the sky. Goodbye, moon.
In the former Luthor Manor, Tess and a henchman are walking down a hallway. She wants a location on Davis and Chloe. The henchman says they're tracing radiation that was left on Davis when he attacked Neutron. He says they have another problem. His timing is impeccable, because he says it just as they round a corner and Tess sees something's wrong. "What the Hell?" she asks. Two guards are standing in front of her bedroom door. They open it for her. Inside, she finds that there's a giant hole where her vault's door used to be. "Oh my God!" she says. The henchman tells her they heard an explosion, then the security cameras and power pulsed. She walks in and finds a metal suitcase that has been bent in half. It's now empty. "The orb!" she says shakily, "someone stole the orb!" The henchman tries to explain that nobody could have gotten in, but Tess yells at him, "You just said the system went down!" He says it was only for a few seconds. Tess bites her tongue, not willing to say that's all it would have taken for some Kryptonian jerkoff to get in and out of the vault. The henchman takes a step forward to reveal another piece of the puzzle: they think the vault was blown from the inside. Maybe she had a very angry set of earrings in there that were determined to escape. She tells the henchman that he has no ideas how many lives are at stake. Probably not. I'm just a henchman, ma'am. We try not to guesstimate that sort of thing. "Find that orb," she says. Could you describe the orb? Is it orb-like in appearance? Does it respond to the name "Orb" when called? Does the orb have any birthmarks or scars? Could you describe a celebrity the orb resembles? Got any family photos? The henchman leaves the room with so many questions unanswered.
The moon is still so big in Metropolis. Inside the Daily Planet building, Clark sits at his desk, eying the Legion ring. He places it in a small box and sticks it in an unlocked desk drawer. Nobody will ever find it there! I'm a genius! Clark is typing a letter. It's called, "To the Citizens of Metropolis:" It's the same old Clark Kent blah blah about how he's being called a hero, but the real good is in each and every citizen. He wants the city to realize its own potential and for people to help each other out in the event that he disappears. And he wants them to find hope from within. Whatever, dude. Go buy a cape, already. Lois's grating voice cuts through the moment. She says Chloe's missing "With some Beastie Boy" and asks what Clark is doing. [IMing Mike D to see what he knows? - Z] Clark tries to ignore her. Take it from me, Clark, it never works. He says nobody wants to find Chloe more than him. Lois says she hasn't slept for days and is close to a caffeine O.D. Under his breath, Clark says, "I hadn't noticed." Heh. She is awfully useless, isn't she, Clark? Clark stares at a word on the screen. It's "Goodbye." Lois comes around the desk and asks if Clark wants to tell her about his little novella that's so important. Clark clicks the document off the screen. He says no. "Great," she says, "another ricochet off the impenetrable force field." Clark won't even look at her. Lois goes to grab another cup of dangerous coffee. Her phone rings. She turns and Clark has already disappeared from his desk. Lois goes to answer. "Miss Lane," a low, gurgly voice says. It's Clark in one of the newspaper's phone booths, disguising his voice as that of Red-Blue Blur's. Lois doesn't have Caller ID on her work phone? She can't tell the call is from within the building? Red-Blue Clark says he's been searching for Lois's cousin and that he will find her. I thought Clark was just penning his sort-of suicide note. Why is he giving Lois false hope? Lois, who is standing so close to Clark that if she turned slightly she'd be able to see him, asks how he knew she was missing. He says he's been keeping an eye on Lois. Lois turns, not noticing Clark on the phone nearby, and says she was hoping for that, but had no way to contact him and wasn't sure if he'd save the day. She takes a breath to calm herself and says she's rambling. She's not sure how to repay him. He asks for a favor. He needs a letter published in the paper. It's a complaint about how the city council is messing everything up. At least that's what the letters usually are at my paper. "What letter?" she asks. There's a giant whooshing sound and her hair moves. A paper envelope it affixed to her monitor. She realizes Red-Blue Blur is there. He tells her she's not supposed to open the letter yet, but she does anyway. She asks what he means by "Goodbye." Good one, Clark. Way to fuck everything up by trusting Lois. Red-Blue Clark says we can't always outrun our destiny. Sometimes our destiny is wearing really slick Nikes. Lois thought he was invincible. "So did I," he says. It turns out he's only intolerable. Lois wants to meet him. "I have to see your face!" she says. She wants to see what no one else can see and implores him to trust her. Red-Blue Clark says that's not a good idea. Lois pep-talks him. She says he'll get through this. And when he does, she says, "How do you feel about phone booths?" He says, with no humor, "They're fine." She tells him there's one on 4th and Main. She'll meet him at midnight. She hopes he'll be there. Doubt it, Lois. She thanks him and says that if there's anyone who can save Chloe, she knows it's him. Red-Blue Clark hangs up without saying goodbye. I hope he's not paying for the call by the minute, because that felt like it lasted weeks. [Since I've gotten back into the show, I've noticed that every conversation seems to take forever. They draw it out and emphasize every single word, whether the scene warrants it or not. - Z]
Commercials. Quite enjoying the very humorous Star Trek V-Cast ads.
Kent Farm, daytime. What kind of shit farm has no cows or crops on it? This one. I am sad because I wanted to say goodbye to my longtime bovine companions. Oh well. Fare thee well, moo-cows, wherever you are. I hope you're not burger-meat that I've already enjoyed. Inside the barn, Clark is just leaning against the window, staring out at his depleted empire. He's being the opposite of proactive. "Clark? What's the 9-1-1?" a woman asks. It's Black Canary, wearing her non-superhero black wig and civilian clothing. Clark thanks her for meeting him. He starts to say he thought Bart was going to be there, but just then Impulse (our flashy young friend) whooshes into the room, making Clark's hair move. Doesn't feel so good when people do it to you, does it? "Present and accounted for," Bart says in his best surfer dude voice. Clark doesn't smile or say hi. He just asks if Bart has some schematics. Bart zips across the room to lay them on the table. Clark's globe is spinning from the speed burst. [Unnecessary! - Z] Bart says the geothermal facility is courtesy Queen Industries and LuthorCorp. Couldn't they combine those companies into one name already? Gay Industries, perhaps? Or how about Nefarious Bullshit LLC? Bart asks what's with the "black hole." Clark says he was told by Rokk that nothing on the surface of the Earth could defeat Doomsday. So he's going to put him under the Earth. Clark: I don't think Rokk meant for you to take his words literally and then try to find a loophole around it. He's from the future. He's not trying to stump you with a riddle. Jeez.
Clark points to the blueprint, picking some random place in the middle to stick his finger, and says that the facility made a mile of tunnels beneath Earth's crust. Bart figures out that they want to bury their "space invader" there. Clark asks if Black Canary can fire off the detonators in the shaft if Clark lures the beast down there. I almost make a joke about Clark and the word "Shaft," but it's too late to apologize, as the song says. She says she can override it. She asks if they're really going to bury him alive. "Not all," Clark says. He thinks there's still a part of Davis worth saving. I'm still not sure how burying Doomsday, the alien part, underground is any better than sending him to the Phantom Zone. Clark goes to a nearby tool drawer and pulls out the box with the black Kryptonite. He gives it to Bart. Bart opens it up and sticks the Kryptonite out at Clark, who backs away. Clark tells him to be careful with that. Is Bart supposed to be Bart Simpson? Clark explains that it's a very special Kryptonian rock (it was introduced in a very special episode) that will split Davis from his Kryptonian side. Isn't he all Kryptonian? "What if that doesn't work?" someone says. It's Oliver. He's just walked in without Clark hearing him. This plan is already going great!
Oliver asks what happens if Clark unleashes a monster who can't be stopped. Clark says it's the only option. Except for the option Rokk presented you last night to send Doomsday into the future. That was kind of an option you're now ignoring. Oliver presents another option: killing then serial killer before he has a chance to "beast-out." That's another good one. See, Clark? Plenty of other ideas besides the one you're stubbornly sticking with. Oliver informs Clark that even if he doesn't want to admit it, there's a darker side to humanity. Clark says he knows. "I'm looking at it right now," he says. Ooh, snap! Oliver got told! Oliver says that not everyone's worth saving. He thinks they need to take care of Davis. Clark asks if that means murder. Bart tries to break the mood by noting the tension in the room, but does it in such a goofball way that nobody notices. He's not exactly Hurley on Lost with the comedic timing. Canary asks Oliver what Clark's talking about. Oliver just shakes his head. Clark informs the group that Oliver crossed the line. "He killed Lex Luthor," Clark says. Oliver says he's making a big mistake. "You're not one of us anymore," Clark says. Too bad because Oliver was the one funding all these adventures. Guess you'll have to figure out how to fight crime without a private jet, computers and walking-around-money for all your superfriends. "Is that right?" Oliver asks. He turns in very slow motion. Oliver walks lugubriously as they watch him go. You'd think he'd be embarrassed and want to get out of there more quickly.
Just then, there's a knock at my door. I am surprised to see Lana Lang.
Omar G.: Whoah! How did you find me, evil woman?
Lana Lang: I have superpowers now. Also, Google Maps.
Omar G.: Oh. Well, I suppose you're here for an apology for all the potshots I took at you over the years. Like when I said you ruined the show?
Lana Lang: No, actually, I heard there was a barn scene and thought I was supposed to be there. This isn't Vancouver?
Omar G.: It's Texas/
Lana Lang: How strange. It looks just like Vancouver. And Kansas.
Omar G.: Well, listen, I need to finish this recap. Can I get you a drink or something? Some rat poison, perhaps?
Lana Lang: No thanks. I have some people to save or something. Nobody told me this hero thing would be so boring and that the people I'd be saving would be so lame and so needy. I thought the costumes looked cool, was all.
Lana Lang: I stopped reading after Season Five. Fire away. Pink Pwincess Power!
Then she flies off into the night sky. What a strange and unexpected visit! Anyhoo... Daily Planet, nighttime. Jimmy has used a lockpicking tool to break into Tess's office. "I'm in," he says. So, Jimmy's first post-drug-addiction job with Oliver is breaking and entering? I guess it's a tiny step up. We hear Oliver speaking to Jimmy through a Bluetooth earpiece that has a bright blue light on it, perfect for getting caught when you're trying to sneak around at night. Oliver asks if he has the decryption key. Isn't that something he should have asked before Jimmy got to the building? Speaking of which, how did Jimmy get into the building? He's no longer an employee. Oliver says he hopes Jimmy has better luck than he did. He tells Jimmy to call when he has Chloe's location. Jimmy turns off his giant beacon, making his ear much less blue-hued. He sits at Tess's desk and is about to log in when something under the desk crunches. We hear someone say, "OW!" and then punch Jimmy in the balls. It's Lois, crawling out from under the desk. Sadly, it's not the first time she's contorted herself around furniture in this office. She tells Jimmy that he stepped on her hand. The Playful Music of Oh, Lois! is accompanying the scene as Jimmy tells her not to be under a desk where her hand can get stepped on. Lois asks if she just got a lecture from "Jimmy Olsen." Not so much, it turns out. She asks who Jimmy was talking to. "No one!" he says, exasperated. He asks what she's doing here. She's looking for Davis and Chloe. They were under the desk? Lois says that Tess's security has staked out at the Talon apartment. "Creepy, but telling," she says. That also describes Lois and her loose lips. Lois says that the problem is that Tess's "8-gig mini-brain is encrypted." "Not anymore," Jimmy says. He plugs a chunky flash drive into the computer. It has a green circle of light on it, so you know it's going to work. Jimmy begins typing. He pulls up a ton of folders and somehow figures out that Tess has been tracking Chloe and that this information is from a few days before. Everyone's a hacker on this show. Even the stupid people.
Lois shakes her head like she knows this isn't going to work. To everyone's surprise, it does. Jimmy finds a very old-school-looking radar display that tells him they're at the outskirts of Edge City. "And so am I!" Jimmy announces as he gets up to head out that way. He tells Lois not to take her eyes off it in case they move. She's just supposed to sit there for however many hours it takes for Jimmy to get to Edge City? Even with Oliver's private jet, it's going to be a few hours. [Actually, I think Edge City is supposed to be a literal edge city, which means that it's right outside of Metropolis... and that Chloe and Davis are pretty close by, and not five states away, like they should be by now. But I guess we learned that they were in the general area last episode. Dumb. - Z] Lois watches the boring radar for all of two seconds before switching windows. She sees Lex's old Number Two (the guy I thought had already been killed by Tess) tied to a chair getting beat up in what's either live video feed or a very creepy captured video that Tess kept on her PC. He's bloodied up and has a gun pointed to his head. He is telling Tess that Lex already tried breaking down the technology of the orb. "Lex knew it wasn't from this Earth. It called to me," Tess says from off-screen. She thinks there's life inside the orb that can't be released until the beast is killed by The Traveler. So there's some sort of Tamagotchi in there? Fun! "What you're unleashing," Number Two says very slowly, "it could be the end of the world." Lois just keeps watching the computer screen. I'm glad Number Two is still alive, if that's in fact what we're supposed to take away from that. Who the Hell knows? This season finale is as confusing as sex with a hermaphrodite who's had two sex changes, then two reverse sex changes.
Clark is in the darkened newsroom basement. He types alone. A window pops up on his desktop with a prompt for an audio message from Black Canary. Clark's desktop was devoid of applications, which means Clark was just staring at his bland Daily Planet background. Canary tells Clark that they found Chloe and Davis. She uploads their location and it's the same radar that Lois was just ignoring. Clark tilts his head and uses his superhearing. He hears Chloe struggling and saying the word, "Davis!" He begins to adjust his tie as he stands, then red-blue-blurs his way out of the room. We see him streak across a Metropolis city street. When he arrives, he's wearing his red jacket and blue shirt. He stops in front of a wrecked mustard-colored car with the windshield blown out. I didn't think it was the same car that Chloe and Davis were lying on earlier, but apparently it is. He finds Canary and Impulse, now in their goofy costumes. They both give each other a guilty look when Clark calls their names. "What's going on?" he asks. Canary says she's sorry, but they couldn't risk losing Clark. Clark is suddenly shot in the back with a Kryptonite dart. Message for you, sir! Clark grunts and turns. I should have darted before I got darted! Oliver is standing right nearby, holding his bow and wearing his Green Arrow costume, including the hood and sunglasses. Clark only uses his superhearing when someone else is in danger. Oliver says nothing. Clark falls to the ground and rolls right over the dart. Ouchie! The three former friends crowd around Clark. His cheek is badly gashed. Oliver assures him that the dart won't kill him. It'll just get Clark's ego out of the way while they do what needs to be done. "Don't do this," Clark whimpers. They walk away to do just that.
Terminator: Salvation. Go see it, or Christian Bale will yell right in your face.
There's another knock at my door. Man, this is a busy night. Oh. Oh, no.
Al: What's up, motherfucker?
Miles: Tally-ho, fuckface!
Omar G.: Oh, geez, what do you guys want?
Al: We heard you were going to stop recapping. We win! We outlasted you, you prick!
Miles: It is a bittersweet victory.
Omar G.: First of all, you guys quit before I did. Shouldn't you be off putting together another Shanghai Noon movie? Or did Jackie Chan blow you off?
Miles: Hey, Al, how did he know about Jackie Chan?
Al: Shut up, Miles! He was joking! So, listen, man. We're off doing big, awesome Hollywood movies while you're still recapping a show on a network that's barely clinging to life. I think it's clear who the victors are. But just so we're clear on it, we wanted to bring you a gift.
Omar G.: Really? You're not just messing with me?
Al: Of course not. When have we ever said one thing and then let things totally go in a different direction?
Miles: Does that sound like us?
Omar G.: Well...
Al: We'll show you. Can we borrow your laptop?
Omar G.: Sure, I guess. Here. Just be careful with OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Al: Yeah! Take some of that! This is what I think of your 8,000-word crap-caps! EEENNGGHH!
Miles: Ungh. Have. Ungh. Some of... ERRRR... THIS!
Not to get too graphic about it, but Al and Miles, two grown men, then took simultaneous dumps on my Macbook's keyboard. If you're wondering why this recap took so long, it's because I had to wait for Apple to help clean and disinfect my computer. It turns out they don't deal with this every day. So... thanks, Al and Miles. Your gift was weirdly appropriate. And, I am guessing, rigorously choreographed.
Daily Planet elevator. Lois is stepping into the basement newsroom in what appears to be a completely abandoned building. There's no security? No editors working late? Tess is there, though, waiting on the stairs with her arms crossed. "I kinda miss the maid costume," she says snarkily. Lois smiles and puts her hands in her pockets. "I've stopped cleaning up after you," she says. Tess shoots back, saying she's expects a little better reconnaissance from her reporters. She adds that the bar's always been set a little lower for Lois. Preach it! Lois says that family loyalty means a lot to her and that she'll do anything to find Chloe. She suggests that if that means Tess needs to fire her, then she should pull the trigger. "I plan to," Tess assures her. Finally. The world of journalism is safe again. Tess says this has very little to do with Chloe. It's about your stupidity, Lois. We need to talk. "You saw it, didn't you?" Tess asks, while Lois's back is turned. Lois, annoyed, turns and tells Tess that she has a serious deficiency or pronoun modifiers going on. Tess steps forward and stops kidding around. "Where is the orb?" she asks. "What orb?" Lois asks. Does this orb use an alias? Does it have a driver's license? Tess says it's alien technology. "Oh, that orb," Lois says sarcastically. Both of these women are crazy, but which one is crazier at this point? It's neck-and-neck. Lois grabs her keys from her desk and when she turns back, Tess is roundhouse-kicking her in the face. Lois knocks over some items on another desk, collects herself, stands upright and jokes that severance must be out of the question. "I didn't want this," Tess tells her. Oh, but I did. Kick her ass! Lois thinks Tess is trying to take over the world with "some alien nation." Tess says she's trying to save the world. World domination can come later, I guess. "What's wrong with Greenpeace?" Lois asks. Nothing, except that it makes for a lame bit of dialogue. Lois tries to shove past Tess to get to the stairs, but her arm is grabbed. Lois tries to punch the woman, but Tess grabs Lois around the waist and tackles her onto another desk. They punch each other. Tess grabs Lois from behind and lifts her head up so she's arching. They roll around. Tess grabs Lois in a choke hold, but Lois reverses it and pulls Tess's arm behind her. Somewhere out there, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are crying. Tess finally grabs Lois's head with her ankles and throws her off the desk. Lois lands on the floor. She clips Tess's leg and the two of them fall to the floor together. Tess hits it harder because her head is bloodied and she's knocked unconscious. She's giving the boys on this show a run for their money on head injuries. The box that was holding the Legion ring lands to Lois on the floor. The ring is spinning to it. Lois picks it up. She slips it onto the very tip of her index finger, but it's enough. She disappears in a flash of lilac color. And that's goodbye, Lois! And with that, I will never have to recap her again. Smell ya later, Nois.
We see a scary-looking factory. A title card reads, "LuthorCorp Geothermal Facility." Inside, Chloe awakens, face down on the metal floor. Nobody thought to put her in a chair, at least? She notices a red backpack and a laptop nearby. Davis is lying on the floor, face up, and his hands are bound in front of him. Oliver, still in his get-up but minus the hood, is texting someone. Canary and Impulse are there, too. Chloe asks what's going on. "Sorry about the tranq, beautiful," Bart says. She stands and asks for Clark. Then she takes a long gander at unconscious Davis and says, "You found a way to kill him, didn't you?" She figures out that Oliver wouldn't go along with Clark's plan. Canary reveals to her that Clark wants to split Davis from Doomsday. "Black Kryptonite," Chloe whispers. She sees the rock inside Clark's red backpack. Oliver says the flaw in the plan is the beast. It can't be controlled. Chloe says that she can do that. As long as she stays with Davis, he doesn't change. How does that help if Davis is split from Doomsday? I don't think the monster will have much use for her. Chloe asks them not to do this to Davis. Still lying on the floor, he opens his eyes. "They have to," he mutters. He rolls over and says this isn't working anymore. Chloe goes to him. Oliver tries to stop her, gently, and their hands touch. Chloe kneels and asks Davis to just focus on her so they can get through this. "I'm sorry. It's too late," he murmurs. He starts to struggle against his weak wrist restraint and his eyes turn red. "We need to go NOW!" Oliver says and tries to get Chloe out of there. Canary is smacked and falls into a table while Davis growls. Oliver grabs his bow and pulls it back to shoot Davis, but Chloe gets in the way. Oliver yells, "No!" as she grabs the black Kryptonite and shoves it into Davis's chest. It glows bright blue and makes his body transform back and forth between the spiky Doomsday and the very smooth Davis. He screams. Davis is thrown from the body of the beast. The back of his blue T-shirt is full of holes where the spikes were coming out. Davis turns and faces his ugly, plastic-looking alter ego. As they look at each other, Doomsday growls.
Another car pulls up to the one where Clark was captured. It's Jimmy. He calls for Chloe and examines the wreckage. He hears Clark groaning as he lies on the ground with the Kryptonite dart in his back. They just left him out there!? Jimmy finds him and kneels by his side. "Jimmy. The dart," Clark manages. Jimmy pulls it out with a nasty tearing sound. Clark grunts loudly. The glow of the dart fades. "Whoah! Check this out!" Jimmy says. He holds it up to Clark's face and it glows more brightly. Clark gestures for him to get it away. As Jimmy pulls the dart back, the wound on Clark's cheek quickly heals. Jimmy's eyes widen. He stands and walks away. Clark gets up behind him. "Your cut... it's gone," Jimmy says. Clark touches his cheek. Well, I'll be damned! Clark is about to lie yet again, but this time Jimmy cuts him off and says he's not buying it. He's seen Clark disappear in a flash. He's seen Clark take a bullet and be fine the day. "It's like you're some kind of super..." Jimmy struggles with the words for a never-ending age. "Guy!" he concludes. Oh, geez. I was hoping for at least, "Super... gay!" Clark finally fesses up. "I am the Red-Blue Blur. You were right about me. And about Davis," Clark says. Happy, heroic music. Clark says Jimmy was the only one who put it all together. He apologizes for lying. Jimmy, thrilled, says, "I knew it! I was so right!" Clark says he needs Jimmy's help. He asks if Jimmy has Chloe's wedding gift, the one he never gave her. Jimmy says he couldn't bring himself to get rid of it. Clark asks him to give her the gift now. He asks Jimmy to make sure Chloe and Davis are safe. "Davis?!" Jimmy asks. Clark asks for Jimmy's trust. "Always, C.K.," Jimmy assures him. But can Clark really trust a crackhead? Or a recently-reformed crackhead, at least? Clark zips off in a red-blue blur. Jimmy watches after him in amazement. "That is so cool!" he says. Meh, it gets old after a few seasons.
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The Geothermal Plant. Clark whooshes in past a sign that reads, "Warning Steam obscures vision persons traveling do so at their own risk." You are also at risk if you like punctuation. Inside, everyone is lying on the floor unconscious. Did Doomsday lay a fart bomb or something? Nobody's been seriously hurt, yet they're not dead. What the fuck, Doomsday? You disappoint me, monster. You really disappoint me. Clark finds them all waking up like they're at the world's lamest dress-up slumber party. He goes straight to Chloe and asks if she's all right and what happened here. "Exactly what you wanted," she says, with just a trace of bitterness, "I split him." Clark looks over and sees Davis lying face-down. He's not beat up much, either. "Where did he go?" Clark asks. Oliver, standing, has some dried blood on his cheek but, disappointingly, has no limbs missing. Nobody answers. Clark goes to stand so the camera can do a better job circling as he uses his superhearing. He hears screaming and chaos as the room spins around him a few times. Canary, Oliver and Bart all stand together with ridiculously minor spots of blood on their faces. Canary has a busted lip and Bart is bleeding from the side of his head. Clark says he'll get Doomsday back here, but he still needs Canary to detonate the explosives. She nods. Oliver tells Clark to get the monster into the tunnel and they'll do the rest. "Can I trust you?" Clark asks. Gee, I don't know. The dude just shot a fucking Kryptonite dart in your back, then left you for dead. Can you trust him? Are you really that fucking dumb? Forget I even asked that. Of course you are. Have I learned nothing in eight years? Oliver says yes. That's good enough for idiot Clark. He whooshes out of the scene to doom us all.
We get an overhead view of the streets of Metropolis and it looks very fake, especially the little helicopter flying near the Daily Planet building. Clark whooshes to a street and sees a nearby phone booth. It says, helpfully, "Phone." "Lois!" Clark says to himself. He looks disappointed. Did he miss the appointment or did she? It doesn't matter because something crashes nearby. Clark turns and sees a thrown car flying right for him. He catches it and sets the vehicle down gently. Doomsday the beast, who looks not much larger than most of the citizens, bats a woman aside as he holds up a young girl with his other claw. The woman sails through a store window. At superspeed, Clark gingerly jogs over and grabs the girl from the beast's arm. It growls at him and we get a close-up look at its face. It really looks like a rubber mask with not-very-pointy rubber spikes sticking out all over it. He's basically an intergalactic French tickler. I don't know if he could destroy your vagina, but maybe he'd give you a rash or friction burn or something. Clark sets the young girl down on a pile of trash bags (thanks?) and tells her it's all right. She cringes when she sees the monster creep up behind Clark. Clark is lifted up and punched as the girl backs away and whimpers. Clark gets punched several more times as the girl turns toward the camera and cries. The beast salivates at Clark. It's really pretty gross. Clark, lip bloodied, just waits as the creature rears back and smacks Clark in the face. Clark's blood goes flying. He sails through several buildings including what looks like part of The Talon, although we're in Metropolis, so that can't be right. Clark tries to get up from a pile of rubble, but instead just rolls over. Doomsday jumps over and lands right to Clark. He leans back, lifts his rubber-spike arms and cries to the heavens. "Oh, why did you make me so ugly!? I want to look more like Davis Bloome! It makes me so MAAAAD!" Clark slowly gets to a crouching position. His face is all bloodied up. In super-lit slow motion, Clark charges at the creature and pushes him back. They sail up into the sky together, up into the sky. The thing we see is the same far-away shot of the geothermal plant. Clark and Doomsday appear as a streak and crash through the building. It suddenly explodes. Fireballs go everywhere. And... that's it? That's the giant Doomsday/Clark Kent fight? The one we waited for all season? The one that made Davis all angsty and portended the end of the world (and possibly Clark)? All we get is a bull-charge and an explosion? Game over? Weak, Smallville. Very, very, very weak. We could say at least you tried, but in this case, you really didn't. You get an "Incomplete" for this season. [Seriously. Considering how long all of the one-on-one conversations in this episode last (i.e. forever), they couldn't show Superman slugging Doomsday a couple of times before tackling him? You've got the guy in the suit, the streets are already on fire... is it going to break the bank if just let the camera roll? - Z]
The fight was so anticlimactic it doesn't even warrant a commercial break. We transition right to a shot of Metropolis at dawn. We see Chloe and Jimmy in a new space with Davis lying on the floor near them. It's a very large interior with a big, round stained-glass window up high. Jimmy is telling Chloe that things will be all right. You sure about that, Jimmy? Chloe says Clark told Jimmy to take her somewhere safe. "What is this place?" she asks. Jimmy looks around. He says it's her wedding present. I think she would have settled for a ring and not having her husband divorce her after a few weeks. Whoah, there's an even larger stained-glass circle behind Jimmy. It's taller than him. Jimmy tells Chloe that he was going to give her this after the reception. "My wedding present?" she whispers. He says it needs some work. "So did we," he says, twisting the knife a little. Jimmy says that he saw the two of them here, starting a life together and making a place the rest of the world had forgotten theirs. Somebody forgot this giant chunk of real estate with tons of space and beautiful windows? Is it haunted? Chloe looks sad and touched at the same time. She walks toward the big, round window. "You can see all of Metropolis from here," she says. Well, you. We're not lucky enough to see what Chloe sees. He says that from anywhere in the city you can spot this place. Not if you're a real estate agent, apparently. Jimmy wanted her to be able to look up and always see their home. "You could see me watching over you," he says. "I don't know how you do it," Chloe says, close to tears, "you always seem to come through." She says he's always there doing the right thing and saying the right words. There's a lot she wants to tell him. "I know about Clark," Jimmy blurts out. She asks what exactly he knows. Jimmy says, "THE. What." He says he saw what Clark can do and who he is. He suddenly understands everything, including what Chloe sacrificed for Clark and for everyone. Chloe says that's the only reason she was with Davis, to protect Clark. What about that sexy dream you had? How does that fit in? Jimmy says it all makes sense. He thinks Chloe's as much of a hero as Clark's ever been. He thinks she's taken some huge risks. "And lost," she tells him, "I've lost so much." She says the only thing she really missed was Jimmy. "Well, now you've found me again," he tells her. They both step forward and kiss in the middle. When they stop, their heads touch as Chloe says she's sorry she left, but that she never left Jimmy. No, he left you. Badly. He was a real dick, no matter the circumstances. Not that he wasn't right about Davis.
They kiss some more. We hear a sudden splattering sound. Jimmy is gasping. His mouth hangs open. Chloe looks down. "Jimmy!" she says. There's a ragged pipe sticking out of from the middle of his torso. Blood is coming out of Jimmy's mouth. We cut to a wider shot. Davis is standing behind Jimmy holding the pipe. What is it with Davis and getting impaled by metal rods? Davis pulls the pipe out roughly. Jimmy crumples to the floor as Chloe gasps. Davis, his voice shaking, says, "This whole time that you were with me, it was for Clark?" His fingers on the pipe are twitching. Chloe backs away. She asks him to put the pipe down. Davis circles around, asking how Chloe could do this. "I loved you," he says. The dark Doomsday music plays as Davis says that Chloe was the only one who loved him. I thought this was supposed to be the good, human side. And now he's suddenly psycho? Chloe has already told him she doesn't love him like that. They never had sex. What's the deal? Did his memory get wiped, too? He asks why she did this. "WHY!?" he screams. Chloe raises her hands and says she thought she did love him. She says what she really wanted to do was save him. "There is nothing... left... to SAVE!" he screams as spittle flies out over the last word. He raises the pipe and goes after Chloe, but Jimmy suddenly appears, tackling him. Davis falls back onto something and drops his pipe. A bloody piece of metal is now sticking out of Davis's chest. He's impaled on it. [Man, this is a really dangerous construction site. - Z] Jimmy falls back on the floor. Chloe is there to catch him. He lies in her arms, face up, as she strokes his face. "I'm sorry," he whispers. Chloe cries. Her tears can't heal Jimmy? I guess she lost that power. He tells her he loves her. Jimmy laughs a little. Then his face goes slack. He dies with his eyes open. Chloe sniffles and puts her hand on his chest as the camera rises up. We see Chloe and Jimmy on the floor and Davis lying, impaled, with his arms out from his sides.
Commercials. Victoria's Secret introduces one bra you can wear seven ways. Please do not forget to put both of your breasts into it.
Another knock at my door. I answer it, worried that all these visitors are going to wake my daughter up. To my surprise, I see a crudely cobbled together figure made of bamboo and granite. Her name is Bamboo Heather and she was my companion in the first recaps I ever wrote.
Omar G.: Bamboo Heather? Is that you?
Bamboo Heather: Yep, it's me.
Omar G.: Wait, I don't remember you ever talking. When did you learn to talk?
Bamboo Heather: I've learned a lot since I went away to find my inner Bambooness. I learned to talk. I got married to a wonderful Bamboo Man and am expecting Bamboo Twins soon. I have a very happy Bamboo Life.
Omar G.: Well, that's pretty great. I'm happy to hear it.
Bamboo Heather: What's not so great is that I hear you're still recapping this Smallville show for eight years. Did you really waste all that time sitting on the couch writing about a mediocre show that can't even get the Superman myth right?
Omar G.: You know, for a creature I created with sticks of bamboo and parts of my driveway, you're very insightful. Yes. That's what I've been doing all this time.
Bamboo Heather: Have you even seen the sun? When do you have time to leave the house?
Omar G.: I drink lots of orange juice to avoid scurvy.
Bamboo Heather: Run, run far away! Do not live a bamboo life in a human body! Go do something, Omar!
Omar G.: You know, I seem to recall you stabbing me with some cutlery to try to steal my liver. What ever happened with that?
Bamboo Heather: I don't think you can press charges against a person made of bamboo. Farewell, Omar. Maybe I'll see you sometime when you're done with this crap.
Omar G.: Thanks. You just really depressed me.
Bamboo Heather: At least there was no stabbing.
Another Smallville funeral. It's sunny out at the graveyard. We see a close-up of a photo negative. It's a picture of Jimmy and Chloe. Chloe is crying, holding it in front of her. She puts a set of negatives tied together with a yellow ribbon on top of Jimmy's coffin. A priest says, "He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. For yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." Chloe stands between Bart and Dinah. The priest says, "Henry James Olsen," rest in peace. Huh. Henry? Really? Chloe's tears are flowing. Dinah looks at her, then looks over at Oliver, on the other side of the coffin. He's wearing sunglasses and has a gash across his cheek. A single tear rolls down from his left eye. Oliver tries to keep it together. A man with big, dark hair has his hand on the coffin. A young boy with lighter brown hair puts his hand on top of the man's hand. The boy is wearing a bowtie. The two of them start to walk off while a woman joins them. The boy, about 12 or 13 years old, looks back. The coffin is topped by yellow and orange flowers. Chloe notices him. She walks over. "You must be Jimmy's little brother," she says. Sniffling, Chloe says that something belongs to him. She puts a Nikon camera on the boy's chest and places the strap around his neck. "He would have wanted you to have it," she says. Funny how he never mentioned the boy or invited him to his wedding, though. The boy says, "Thanks," weakly. "Who knows," Chloe says, "maybe someday you'll follow his footsteps." The boy and, presumably, his father walk away. So that's the real Jimmy. The one who died was just bullshit. Nothing to see here, folks. Just another ruined story arc. [Son of a--! - Z]They're a dime-a-dozen in this episode. Chloe walks away with Dinah. Nobody noticed that Lois is missing? Chloe looks around for something. She doesn't notice that Clark, wearing a black jacket and purple shirt, is standing by the water, looking at the gravesite. Lana also didn't show up for this funeral, though that's not surprising. Clark and Oliver see each other. Oliver walks away. We get one long, last look at Jimmy's coffin.
The sad music continues as Clark enters the giant loft where Jimmy died. There's a huge bloodstain on the floor. The doors have stained glass, too. It's really a beautiful place, if empty and cold. Clark walks in and stares at the blood. He frowns. Chloe, upstairs, notices him. "Clark! You're alive!" she says. She comes down and quickly hugs him. Clark hugs back, stiffly. Crying, she asks how he survived the geothermal explosion. "Before Dinah pressed the button..." he begins. Then, surprisingly, he says, "I don't know." He says he got out before the blast, but not fast enough to save anyone else. Dinah seemed to have made it out fine. Clark says he's searched everywhere, but there's no sign of Lois. What makes him think Lois was there? Is that what he thinks? Chloe shakes her head. She cries some more. Chloe says that she saw someone put up Lois's picture on a missing person's board. She says she keeps thinking maybe she hasn't... "Lost everyone," Clark finishes. Clark walks past Chloe. She thinks Clark was there at the funeral. "I really needed you," she says. She asks why Clark didn't come to her. Clark says he's the reason Jimmy's dead. Oliver was right. He says he put humanity on a pedestal. "It wasn't a Kryptonian beast that killed Jimmy. It was a human," he says. Chloe walks over a little. She says she was standing right there. "I know full well who killed Jimmy." Clark advises Chloe to get rid of this place, to walk away and not look back. Chloe says that Jimmy is here, watching over her. He knew her so well, he knew this place would be perfect. She says Jimmy knew she could see this place from anywhere. "The watchtower," she says. She starts to lose it again. She says that Oliver, Bart and Dinah all disappeared. Dicks! They didn't stay to help Chloe out or at least protect her in case Tess or someone else came after her? She thinks maybe it's up to her and Clark to bring them back home. "Home?" Clark asks, "I don't have a home." Chloe doesn't like that. Clark says he's always tried to forget he's an alien or a creature. He's tried to pretend he's human and that his Kryptonian side was dangerous. Now, he thinks that's wrong. "It's my human side," he says. It's the side that gets attached and makes decisions based on emotions. "That's my enemy," Clark says, "Davis proved that to me." Chloe stomps forward, asking if Clark's going to cut the rest of them out of his life because of some psychopath. "Some psychopath" was the guy you were trying to save until about 10 minutes ago. Chloe says human emotions are what made Clark the hero he is today. Then they must suck, badly. Clark thinks the emotions are what's keeping him from being the hero he could be. He says it's what the world needs now. "What are you saying?" Chloe asks, crying. He says, "Clark Kent is dead." That sounds great, but you're still walking around, talking bullshit. At least play dead so I can enjoy it. "Goodbye, Chloe," Zombie Clark Kent says as he walks out of the room in slow motion. We see him go through the doors, then disappear. Chloe looks down and puts one hand on her stomach, and then the other. Is she pregnant? It sure looks like it to me, but then, she hadn't really had sex with anyone for a while, so your guess is as good as mine.
Luthor Manor. Dark and stormy night. Maybe it's not a storm. Tess looks out from upstairs in the Former Lair of Lex and sees some purple light is flashing against the walls of the castle. She runs to a window. We hear weird whispering and growling. She goes out of the office and into the hallway. She goes to her bedroom and stares out the window. Bright purple light is pulsing. She sees the orb, floating in the sky. It opens up and pierces the ground with a sharp shaft of light. Everything goes bright white. Tess turns away. When she looks back, she sees a muscular, naked body on the lawn. It's holding an orb in its left hand and has a clover-looking black tattoo on its back. "ZOD!" we hear. The naked figure, which looks not unlike Davis, is standing amid a bunch of fire in the ground that's forming a symbol. The camera pulls back until we see the scary symbol for Zod burn itself into the grass. We cut right to black and the season, and my tenure, is now over.
So, Jimmy wasn't Jimmy, Clark is no longer Clark and Davis is no longer Doomsday, but was still evil enough to kill Not-Jimmy in a fit of jealousy. Lois is gone, Oliver's a dick, Lex is dead (or, worse, recast), Lana is out flying around, being super and shit, and MamaKent went to Congress and never came back. Yep. Nothing left for me here. I can't think of a better time to leave.
I want to thank Daniel, Angel, Zach, Tippi and the rest of the TWOP staff, as well as all the talented recappers and mods, past and present, who've inspired me and commiserated over dumb e-mails and silly forum skirmishes. I'd like to especially thank Wing Chun, Sars and Glark for hiring me in the first place and making me feel like part of the family. Pamie and Gwen were the two recappers I first read who made me want to do this and Heathen gave me the courage to apply for the job (and inadvertently helped create Bamboo Heather). My brother, Pablo, is the person who would read my jokes over Instant Messenger long before they appeared in my recaps. Craig at Kryptonsite has been a big supporter of my work over the years. And, of course, the cast, creators and crew of Smallville have taken my jabs with good humor and a surprisingly little vengeance (Macbook poops notwithstanding).
Last, but not least, thank you to the readers and forum posters and big-sparkly-sign-wavers who have indulged my goofy jokes and digressions for so many years. You've made me laugh and made me feel appreciated. I owe you more than I could ever express. Thanks and goodbye.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of Smallville when he has No Prior Knowledge! And find out who all these superdudes are in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!
Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the TWoP Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity". You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com, follow him on Twitter, and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered. He will miss you very much.