Tess returns to her naughty newsroom publisher perch, where she's admonished by Clark (the guy who cashes paychecks she signs) for running front-page news about Davis every day. I mean, a mass serial killer on the loose? How is that news? Tess, along with everyone else, lectures Clark about how he's going to have to kill Davis sooner or later. Right after, Clark hears Chloe, out there somewhere, screaming. She's scrambling through the woods, dirty and frantic, running away from something Clark saves her just as she's about to be run over by a truck. But it's not Davis she's running from. It's Punky Bruiser and her leather-clad meteor-freak crew, assembled by Tess. They include a now-dead teen named Neutron, a girl with electrical orb powers named Live Wire, a dude who can steal powers named Parasite, and Punky, now dubbed "Plastique." The dead teen was killed by Davis, and now Live Wire is freaking out and doesn't want to be a "hero" anymore. Luckily, the guy who can steal powers is there and sucks them out of her.
Clark enlists the help of Oliver to try to retrieve something he thinks might defeat Doomsday: black Kryptonite. Clark asks Oliver to steal it from Tess's vault and has finally decided Davis needs to die. Or at least that's what we're led to believe. Clark reveals to Chloe that he's going to use the black Kryptonite to split Davis the Human from Doomsday the Kryptonian and send the alien half to the Phantom Zone. Clark gets a call from Dr. Emil Hamilton, who has found evidence of Davis's destruction. He found two bodies from the Tess crew (not like Tess to leave evidence lying around). Hamilton has already determined that only one of the bodies was killed by Doomsday. Live Wire was done in by a monitoring device implanted in her that also contained a small explosive. Chloe excuses herself and immediately goes to find Punky and Parasite. It turns out Chloe's been working with Tess and her crew to track down Davis. She informs them of what she found out, but they don't believe that Tess is responsible for Live Wire's death.
Chloe goes back to Clark to let him know what's up and to dig up information, but she suddenly falls in pain. Then, are you ready for a twist? It wasn't Chloe this whole time since the start of this episode. It was actually a shapeshifter named Eva who was posing as Chloe and seemed to have an awful lot of information about Clark. But she's dead now. Clark takes her to Hamilton, and Hamilton agrees to try to track the Tess team by their implanted GPS devices. He finds Punky and tells her about Tess. She freaks out and wants to bust an explosive cap in Tess's ass. Clark is about to stop her, but Parasite is behind him and steals his powers instead. They go after Tess.
Oliver, meanwhile, has been clumsily trying to seduce Tess in order to get into her bedroom vault. No, that's not a euphemism. He steals her fingerprint off a bottle of wine and breaks in as Green Arrow. He finds the black Kryptonite. But when she comes home early, he strips naked and hops into bed then parades his schlong around in hopes of winning her back. It's too little, too late, so to speak. Just as she's shooting him down, though, Punky and Parasite blow in and grab Tess. They've also disabled her electricals so she can't terminate them. With the help of Dr. Hamilton's bad ass car, Clark gets there and tries to stop them from killing Tess, without his powers. Just as Clark's about to get his ass kicked, Green Arrow shows up, shoots an arrow in Punky's shoulder and stops Parasite with the Kryptonite ring he lifted from Lex. Clark demands the dude give his powers back, which he gladly does. Oliver carries Tess out, and it would be romantic if Clark weren't glaring at him.
Oliver and Clark have another tussle over morals and killing with Clark suspicious of the Kryptonite ring and Oliver mad that Clark lied to him about killing Davis to get the black Kryptonite. Oliver confesses to killing Lex. For now, they're not on the same side, according to Clark. Tess visits Clark at the barn and reveals that she's destroyed the Phantom Zone crystal in order to force Clark to kill Davis. Clark all but confesses his powers and she assures him that she'd never turn her back on Clark the way Lex did. She goes back to Luthor Manor and is met by a growing purple orb that told her to destroy the crystal and now tells her she's going to be the savior of Kandor. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Is it Zod? I bet it's Zod.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of Smallville when he has No Prior Knowledge!
Let us pause for a moment before we dive into the second-to-last episode of the eighth season of Smallville. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be one with the crazy universe that allowed this show to go on for so long, with no end in sight, and for me to get paid to recap it. That's a pretty crazy-ass universe!
Onward. A ginormous moon hangs behind The Daily Planet. The moon is sad for the state of journalism in this town. Inside, Tess is talking on a cell phone as she walks into her office. She says that they can't risk the casualties and to wait for the team before moving in. That's not going to get the pizza you're ordering here any faster, lady. Tess ends the phone call in frustration. There in the office, Clark is standing, holding a newspaper in his hands. Tess says Clark is taking the open-door policy a little liberally. Well, he did study liberal arts. For about half a semester. Clark, strangely on his game this week, says that after she dropped by his barn and called him an "Alien Jesus" that they'd dropped any formalities. Ooh, snap! Alien Jeezy in the HIZZY! He wears a crown of space thorns and says the meek shall also inherit Jupiter and Mars, but only after the great Centauri Battle. Shit, sorry for all that if it's sacrilegious. Too soon? Tess grins. She jokes that she's not sure the sarcasm adds to Clark's "core charm," but I think it does in this case. She asks Clark if he'd like some of her "Kung Pao for one." Naw, that's villain food. She asks what's on his mind. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Sliders, probably. Clark hands over his copy of the paper and asks if spreading panic is responsible journalism. Aren't you the one who was mad they wouldn't run your story warning everyone about a serial killer before you had any proof? Clark says that putting David Bloome on the front page every day is reckless. Thank you, Professor Poynter. "Reckless?" Tess asks. She says it's reckless not to do everything to stop him. She says if Clark doesn't want to admit his true identity, that's cool, but that they both know Davis isn't a man. "He's a beast," she says quietly. In fact, last week's episode title confirmed it!
Clark says that if this is true, then it's dangerous to encourage a manhunt. Man, remember when "Manhunt" was what Lex was doing to Clark every week? I miss those days. Clark says people will die. Tess says that when that happens, Clark will know where to find him. Clark frowns. What is that supposed to -- OOOHHHHH! I get it. Wink wink. Tess says Clark will be able to slay the proverbial dragon. Clark hates proverbs; he prefers cookies. Clark says it's not some fairy tale; he thinks there's certainly a part of Tess that needs saving, but he's not her white knight. He says she's risking innocent lives, including Chloe's. Tess thinks of Chloe as an accomplice. Clark says she's a hostage. Tomato, to-mah-to, let's call the whole season off. Tess asks why Clark is fighting her help if he's trying to keep Chloe from getting hurt. She's smiling slyly. She thinks Clark might be afraid to face Davis because of what the pure, virtuous Clark Kent might have to do. Wow, them's fighting words. Pure THIS! She tells Clark he's destined to do it when the time comes. Gothic hero music plays. "I'm just making sure you embrace the inevitable," she says as she looks through the blinds on one of her windows. Clark suddenly hears a scream. He tilts his head and hears Chloe with his super ears. The camera whirls around him until it wants to throw up. "Please help me!" Chloe screams. Clark superzips out of the room without bothering to leave evidence of a door having been opened. Tess, unsurprised, just smiles.
We see Chloe running, scrambling through some scary, dark woods. She falls, and we see that her face is dirty and bloodied. She looks frightened. She gets up and runs some more, screaming for Clark. She reaches a road and screams as headlights bear down on her. A giant truck is about to run her over. Just before impact, we hear Clark's familiar whoosh. They're safely out of the way and he's holding her from behind. She struggles and bats his arms, which I think is a little strange. Clark yells that it's him. She finally settles down. "Clark!" she cries, She hugs him and sobs. Clark says it's all right.
We see Clark and Chloe hugging from a distance. Someone is behind some tree leaves. It's a girl in a leather outfit. She holds up a hand and a green electrical orb appears above her palm. It shrinks back down to baseball size. to her, Punky Bruiser is there. "He found her. Now it's time to make our move," Punky says. Two guys are to her. They're all wearing matching uncomfortable-looking leather jackets. They just stand there and pose in the dark. It's the worst Abercrombie & Fitch photo shoot we've ever done.
Commercials. Star Trek reboot. I sure hope that works out better than the Superman reboot.
Kent Farm. Nighttime. Instead of cows, we hear crickets. That is how you manage a production budget! Inside, Clark is pouring hot water for tea from a very old tin pot. Clark thinks Chloe should go to the hospital, the way they take characters there every single week. It's a hard habit to break. Chloe just sits on the couch, staring at the fireplace. Clark says he understands if she doesn't want to talk. He sets down the teacup and Chloe jumps. "He never left me alone," Chloe says, just as Clark is turning away. They found a hotel just outside Metropolis and he wouldn't let her leave. She's crying. "He... I was so scared," she says. Clark softens. He sits down near her. Chloe says that they were hiding out and one day Davis decided they should leave. They stopped at a gas station and she ran. Clark says she's safe now. Chloe puts her hands over Clark's as they frame the fireplace with their bodies. "No," she says, "he's still out there." She says whatever was good in him is gone, and no one's safe. Convincing! "Not till you destroy that beast," she says. That gives Clark lots to think about. And it's not his strong suit. His strong suit is an actual set of clothing that he wears to work.
It is at this moment that I hear scratching on my door. Curious, I go to answer it. Who could it be?
Omar: AGGGH!
Roger: Hey, buddy, it's me. Roger. Roger Moore? The Rottweiler? I helped you recap a while back. Except only one of us got paid. Don't you remember that?
Omar: Vaguely. Every time I hear a news report about somebody getting their face chewed off by a dog, you Rottweilers kind of blend together for me.
Roger: Fair enough.
Omar: What brings you to my house, where I wasn't living back then? How did you even find me?
Roger: I'm a dog. You know, I smelled you. Homeward Bound and shit. It's more curse than blessing, really.
Omar: Ah. Yeah.
Roger: So... what am I doing--
Omar: -- here. Yeah. That's what I was asking.
Roger: Well, Omar G., I'm going away on a trip soon, and I'm saying bon voyage to some people. You were way down on the list, but you said some nice things, and I figured, why not drop by and see how you're doing? Anything new?
Roger: I meant with the show. What's going on with that fakakta Smallville?
Omar: Oh. Well, Lex is gone. Lana's gone. Al and Miles are gone.
Roger: Well, that Shelby bitch must be thrilled. She gets to be in every episode now.
Omar: Er, not so much.
Roger: So, what goes on, then? Doesn't sound like there's much left for them to do every week.
Omar: You know, I hadn't noticed that, but now that you mention it, that's a very astute, if ill-informed, observation.
Roger: We Rottweilers have good intuition.
Omar: Are you still acting?
Roger: Aw, no, I'm retired, brother. Living the sweet life down in Florida with my humans. Really early dinners. Chasing bocce balls... Well, hey, I didn't want to interrupt. Mind if I sit in?
Omar: Sure, just don't pee on the floor or anything. And try not to eat my kid.
Roger: Done and done!
Omar: "Done" as in you will eat my kid and pee on my floor?
Roger: Relax. I just ate one of your neighborhood rabbits and peed in your flower beds.
Omar: ...Cool?
What a strange visit. We pan across the floor of a new location. There's a dead guy on the ground and he looks pretty torn up. It's one of the two guys who was just standing with Punky Bruiser. The energy-orb girl is kneeling to the body while Punky and the other leather-clad guy stand nearby. Punky says she can't believe they lost track of "that thing." The guy tells Punky that if he'd had their powers, he would have gotten the job done. He says they screwed up, not him and Punky. Orb Girl's right there, dude. She can hear you. Even over her crying. Just then, Tess walks in through a giant hole in the wall. We see that they're all in a broken-down building. It could be a dilapidated, dark house or a very small warehouse. Tess is holding a flashlight. Tess scolds the young, dickish gentleman about teamwork. She says she trained them to help each other, and that if one fails, they all fail. Dick! She asks what's going on. Punky steps forward to explain, but not necessarily to enunciate. She says that "Live Wire" and "Neutron" (Jimmy Neutron?) found the monster. She says by the time "Parasite," her still-alive partner, and she showed up, things had gotten messy. Messy is pork ribs on your shirt. This was a fucking massacre, it looks like. Apparently, Neutron tried to stop Doomsday with a radioactive blast. Tess says they were supposed to find Davis, then call her so she could send The Traveler. You guys getting all this?
Live Wire is pretty pissed off that Tess isn't showing more concern about Neutron getting killed. She yells at Tess. Parasite shines a flashlight on her and tells her to back off. Punky blames Live Wire for not waiting for back-up and says Tess was trying to protect them. Live Wire says emphatically that Davis found them and attacked. "We didn't have a chance!" she says. She's mad they don't even know the identity of The Traveler. "I want out!" she concludes. Punky shines her lip gloss up a notch and asks if Live Wire is going to go back to stealing cars. She tries to reason with her, saying Tess helped turn her life around. Tess's pet! Punky says they're able to do something good for the world while Live Wire sniffles. Tess, emotionless, says they all suffered a loss, but should learn from it. She tries to unite them and says they'll save a bunch of lives if they find the beast. "Watch me," Live Wire says. She says she won't be a sucker hero for Tess anymore. Parasite walks behind Live Wire and demonstrates his power. He touches her shoulder and saps green energy from her. He forms a green electrical orb in his hand after she falls. "Thanks for the power-up!" he says. Live Wire holds up her hands. She's now sans-power. Tess tells Punky and Parasite to go find Davis. Punky says they won't let her down. After they leave, Live Wire, still kneeling on the floor, asks what Tess is going to do with her now. Put her back in jail? Eh, not so much. Things are looking grim for the girl with no powers and no evil benefactor.
We're in Metropolis, sailing over the LuthorCorp building where a helicopter seems to be landing. Inside, Clark is poring over a bunch of documents on a desk. Oliver is there, too. They're both wearing ties and it looks like they're the oldest members of a prep school debate team. Oliver says that his crew has cast a wide net, but so far hasn't found Davis. He asks about Chloe. Clark says something happened. He can't believe he did this to Chloe again after all she went through with Brainiac. Oliver mumbles something about Davis not having a beauty to soothe the beast. He draws from that that they have very little time. Thanks for that insight, Oliver. You truly deserve to be CEO of this empire. Clark has thought of something that just might work. He says he can't do it alone. Oliver says that of course he's in if it means getting rid of Doomsday once and for all. "Good," Clark says, "because we're gonna need the help of Lex Luthor." Oliver says it's a little late for that. He nervously goes to get a drink from the bar. Clark says that when Lex was murdered, he left all his research materials to Tess. He says she keeps them in a safe and something there might work on Davis: black Kryptonite. Solid! It's about time we elected some black Kryptonite to handle these villains. Oliver says he gets why Clark wants him to steal it. Because it could kill Clark. Oliver says it's been a while, but he might be able to break into "the Ice Queen's vault." Clark thanks him and knew he could count on Oliver. "That's never gonna change," Ollie says confidently. Clark smiles warmly and lets the glow of bromance envelop the cold cockles of his cock. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark walks to the window to hide his woody. Oliver says he knows it's difficult (sure you don't want to say it's hard?) because they're supposed to be the good guys, but they still have to get their hands dirty. He says it's the only option. "We need to kill Davis Bloome," Clark says dramatically, as he stares out the window. But first? Got any microwave popcorn around here? I'm hungry, but not hungry hungry, you know? Like I could snack, but I don't want to make a whole meal. All I've had is some tea with Chloe a little while ago, and I didn't even think to eat any cookies. Maybe a mini-bag of Orville, one of those 100-calorie jobs? Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Davis. We need to kill that motherfucker! After a snack. And some dramatic music. And commercials.
Roger: So, who's this Oliver dipshit?
Omar: He's the Green Arrow.
Roger: Who the Hell's the Green Arrow?
Omar: He's like a high-tech arrow-shooter guy. And rich. And handsome.
Roger: So, Batman, but green?
Omar: That's one way to look at it, I guess.
Roger: He annoys me. If I were a few years younger, I'd bite him right in the ass.
Omar: With age comes wisdom.
I feel like I should be watching Gossip Girl, but these pretty people intimidate me with their pretty, pretty ways. At least on this show, the pretty people usually end up dead eventually, and you don't feel so inadequate.
Kent Barn. Clark, bathed in shadows and the orange sunlight from outside, moves a tiny rug and opens a panel in the wood flooring. He pulls out a rectangular box. Inside is a big, blue-tinted crystal, wrapped in red cloth. Clark stares at it until he notices Chloe standing nearby. She asks what he's doing with the crystal. Uh, nothing! I wasn't going to put it anywhere weird or inappropriate! Why do you ask? Clark stands. He says he doesn't want Chloe involved because she's been through enough. She says she just survived a gothic romance with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She thinks she can handle it. Clark says he's going to save Davis. "What?" Chloe asks, sharply. She's mad that Clark wasn't going to tell her. Chloe brings up the mission Clark just sent Oliver on. Clark says he lied. Looking sad and a little conflicted, he admits that lately he's had to engage in lies and secrets (or, to put it in Lana terms, "thecrets and lieth!") in order to do the right thing. He's not sure Oliver would have helped if he'd told the truth. Clark tells her that his parents once used black Kryptonite to split off his Kryptonian side. He wants to split Davis off from Doomsday and send the beast to the Phantom Zone. "Spare me the Kryptonian mumbo-jumbo!" Chloe says. She thinks Clark has to bend the rules here. Clark brings up Chloe's actions, like when she saved Davis from the 'Zone. He says Chloe knew he was worth saving. Chloe says she's wrong, but Clark is way past that. He says there's still a part of Davis that's human. Chloe asks what happens if the plan fails. Clark doesn't think it will. "Sometimes justice... it's not about making the easy decision," Clark tells her. He thinks sometimes it's about finding the last bit of good in someone and saving the person from themselves. Yeah, that went smashingly with Lex. How did that whole Lex thing turn out, by the way? Oh, it was a total fucking disaster? Ah. I see. Glad you learned the opposite lesson of the one that life experience was trying to teach you. Clark says Chloe taught him that. She shows no sign of remembering it. Clark's phone chimes. Chloe asks who it is. It's Dr. Emil Hamilton. "Doomsday's struck again," Clark tells Chloe. D'oh!
We cut to a sign on a chain-link fence for a place called Halstrom's Garage. Inside, Dr. Emil, with his awesome curly hair and nerd glasses, is taking a piece of bloody rock off the broken wall as he tells Clark that he got a heads-up from Martian Manhunter about this. Clark and Chloe stand behind him. Emil says the authorities are being stalled, but they have to move fast. Clark can move fast! It's one of his talents! Clark figures that a bone spur embedded six inches into concrete must mean it was Doomsday. Astute! Emil says that a man and a woman are both dead. And they were both meteor-infected. And they were hunting Doomsday. I guess man is no longer the "most dangerous game." Chloe weirdly sticks up for the bounty hunters. She believes they were just trying to do the right thing. "Maybe," Emil says. He says cryptically that the two victims died from very different causes. Emil leads them to the room, where the eviscerated body of Neutron lies. Chloe winces. to that body is Live Wire, who apparently is now Dead Wire. Emil lights up her neck with a pink beam of light and we see a set of symbols there in white. He says she's been marked. Clark asks if the beast killed her, since there's no mark on her body. Emil is pretty confident Doomsday didn't do it. He shows Clark a very tiny metal piece of twisted metal, a temporal lobe implant. He says it's a GPS device that's also a small explosive. It's for when you're trying to find the highway, but figure you'll blow yourself up if you can't get there in time. He says that it exploded and killed her. Clark thinks somebody else must have wanted her dead, someone who was controlling her. Chloe realizes they were monitoring Live Wire. Freaked out, she backs away. She says she's going outside for some air. Clark doesn't like her going out alone with Doomsday still out there. Chloe insists and says she'll holler if Doomsday comes around. Clark watches her go through the blasted hole in the wall. Emil goes to Clark and says that something's up with Chloe. He tells Clark that Chloe's feelings for Davis might be stronger than she's admitting. He reveals the conversation he had with Chloe about curing Davis. Clark hadn't heard that. "When it comes to affairs of the heart, everyone uses secrets and lies to protect the ones they live," Emil reveals. Yeah, it's the running fucking theme of the show. We get it.
Outside, Chloe goes past a hole in the fence and gets into her yellow car. She tells Punky by phone that they might have a serious problem. We cut to another location where it appears Punky and Parasite are hanging out in another auto garage. Chloe is there with them and says they must have seen what happened. Parasite says that except for stealing Live Wire's powers, they didn't see what happened . Chloe explains what happened with the object in the girl's brain. Punky still can't see what that has to do with them. Parasite just wants to go hunt Doomsday some more. Good luck with that! Chloe thinks Tess implanted the thing in the girl's head and doesn't think they can trust Tess at all anymore. Parasite and Punky stick up for Tess, saying she gave them a home and "three squares a day." Sadly, it's not food. It's actual squares of construction paper. Not very nourishing. Punky says Tess did a lot more for Chloe, and that Tess was there for all of them. Do what now? Chloe says that with all the procedures they had done to them at Black Creek, they might all be chipped as well. Parasite asks why Tess would kill one of them in cold blood when it took so long to put this team together. Punky thinks it would be out of character. She thinks someone else pulled the trigger, not Tess. Punky and Parasite start walking off, determined to finish their assignment. Chloe watches them go.
Commercials. The kid dragging his mom through stores to find a PC laptop reminds me of when I was that age. Boy, was I annoying.
Daily Planet, daytime. Tess, her hair more curly than usual, calls someone on the phone. She's eavesdropping on Chloe telling Punky that they have a serious problem. She hangs up immediately, though, when she gets an unexpected guest. Oliver walks into her office without knocking. He's holding a bottle of wine. He says he was told by the secretary that Tess was out. He says that if Tess was trying to insult her new business partner, she gets an A+. That is a very generous grade. I think he might be sarcastic, but with Oliver it's hard to tell because he's only sincere when he wants someone killed. Tess, who was handed the wine, says Oliver flunked getting the hint. She holds the wine out in front of her like it's the larger penis in the room. Oliver pulls out two goblets from the bar. Must be nice to be a newspaper publisher with a full bar in your office. She says she has no time for a wine tasting. Oliver sits down holding the glasses and advises her to multitask. She says that the wine bottle isn't an earnings report. Oliver says she's very perceptive, and he likes that in a woman. It's a turn-on. Oh, just fucking kill me now already. This is terrible. It's like foreplay for shitty, boring rich people who don't even know how to enjoy their good fortune. Their sex is grim, relentless, chafing. Tess stands up, stealing a glance at Oliver's crotch, and says there's nothing that doesn't turn him on about the opposite sex. So, Oliver has no taste. Good to know. Oliver smirks and acknowledges this truism with a weird little nod to himself. Yeah, I sure have had sex with some horrible women. It's a badge of honor! Oliver says there's only one woman who's ever had that effect. He doesn't name her, but Tess says, "Nice try. But I'm still busy." Oliver wants to celebrate the opening of their geothermal station. He asks if the girl who was eco-friendly and wanted to save the world as a marine biologist isn't excited about this. So excited her panties might drop right now. Tess says that thanks to the men in her life, she grew up and now only has time for "investor satisfaction" and balance sheets. Investor satisfaction sounds like the least gratifying kind. Oliver says the only sheets that used to separate them were made of silk. Ugh. This is Lotharioidiotic. Tess raises her eyebrows. She says she still wants to save the planet, there's just some people she could do without. Tess goes to stand by the door. She says again that she has things to do. Oliver starts to head for the exit. He says it's a shame because it's a '64 Soleil from his private collection. He wanted to take the afternoon off and pop the cork. Tess advises him to keep his cork in his pants. She looks like she's about to crack up. "Your loss," Oliver says. Yeah, the foreplay was so incredible, she could have expected about four or five seconds of near-pleasure followed by more lame innuendo.
Oliver steps into the elevator. He's holding the bottle of wine in one hand and scans it with what looks like an iPhone in his left hand. The phone has captured Tess's fingerprint. It identifies her by name. Oliver smiles at the elevator door. Ah, the icky art of seduction!
Isis. Chloe is digging through stacks of photos on a table. Clark whooshes in and rustles the photo papers. They go everywhere. He asks why she just took off without telling him and then didn't answer her cell. He says he's been searching everywhere. Chloe says she's sorry. Clark tells her that he already has problems trusting Oliver. Now he's wondering about her. He says Chloe was asking him to save Davis, and now she wants him killed. He wants to know what's going on. And not just what's going on that caused that 4 Non Blondes song. Clark knows she's hiding something. Chloe says she's been lying to Clark ever since she came back. She knows the girl who died, Live Wire. She says she was using the Isis computers to hack into Tess's mainframe. She found a bunch of profiles of the teen Kryptonite freak crew. "Eva Greer?" Clark asks, "Tess's assistant is meteor-infected?" Chloe says that Tess betrayed her. Just as she's about to explain more, we hear a piercing sound as Chloe grunts and grabs her forehead. She falls. Clark catches her at normal speed as she spasms. He's holding her in his arms as her eyes widen, then go dead. She's unconscious, but her eyes are still open. Her body is suddenly bathed in light. She transforms from Chloe into Eva Greer. Just so we'll know, Clark says, "Eva." So, this girl wasn't Chloe after all, but she could still log into Isis and still hack into Tess's mainframe? And she knew all about Clark's powers and their history together? Don't think so. [Well, I would hope that Tess's assistant could get into Tess's mainframe. And Tess seems to have an inkling of Clarks' powers, so she likely informed Eva of what she knew. And isn't Clark and Chloe's relationship pretty public knowledge at this point? - Zach]
Isis, later. Dr. Hamilton is kneeling on the floor to Clark in the Isis Command Center. He's examining Eva's body. Clark is annoyed that Chloe is still out there somewhere with Davis. He's mad he didn't see through Eva's disguise. [Especially since he couldn't see through Chloe's disguise a few weeks back. - Z] Hamilton, who is the only person on this show who consistently makes sense, says she was a shapeshifter. Shapeshiftah! "It was her job to fool you!" he advises. Yes! Makes total sense! Hamilton says she knew she'd catch Clark at his most vulnerable by posing as his best friend. He casts a fluorescent pink light on Eva's neck and she has the same symbols on it that Live Wire did. Clark says they've all been tagged. He was mad at Eva, but says she didn't deserve this. Clark thinks he knows who killed her. She and the others were working for Tess. Hamilton thinks Chloe might get caught in the crossfire if these kids are looking for Doomsday. Clark plans to go and stop Tess immediately. Hamilton says you don't corner rats, especially when they're this lethal. It only works if they are secretly gourmet cooks and you're looking for a good meal. He tosses Clark a sample he just drew; it's the same metallic explosive device that killed Live Wire. He thinks that if Clark confronts Tess, she could push a button and kill the rest of the team. Clark says they're also GPS devices that work on a frequency. He asks if Hamilton can isolate it. Hamilton thinks about it for half a second and says he could piggyback on the signal to find the others. Well, then, do it, man! Clark says that if he can find the team, he can find Chloe. Hamilton nods. Yes, Clark. Your brain is surprisingly spry today.
Punky is on the phone. It's dark in Metropolis. She's trying to reach Eva and says she's been looking for hours. She can't find Doomsday or Eva and she's starting to lose it. Just then, Clark whooshes in and grabs Punky by the sleeve. "Get away from me!" she yells. Clark says it's all right. He wants to help. Punky says the last time he helped, she ended up in Belle Reve. True dat. Clark knows what happened with Tess, but doesn't think she's the friend Punky needs. Clark says Tess killed Eva and Live Wire and that he wants to keep that from happening to her. "You're lying," she says. Clark pulls out a Sony PSP (which has no touch screen) and pushes buttons on the screen that will bring up a GPS position on their brain killswitch. Punky asks why she'd do that. She thought they were supposed to be heroes. As Punky and Clark walk in a circle together, Clark suggests they go to a doctor who can help her. "Not until that bitch is dead," Punky says. She walks away to do just that. Clark follows and tries to calm her down. Punky plans to explode the Hell out of Tess. Clark insists they turn Tess over to the authorities, because that's the right thing to do. She slurs her words as she says that it's easy for Clark to say that, because nobody can hurt him. He's some kind of "superfreak." Yes, he is a superfreak. Superfreak. He's superfreaky. Yow. She plans to get some real justice. Clark says he won't let her do that. She thinks Clark doesn't have the power to stop them. Parasite appears behind Clark and puts an arm on his shoulder. Red and blue human shapes appear around Clark and Parasite's eyes widen as he draws Clark's massive powers. There's a huge green blast. Parasite is thrown back. As he gets up, he's surrounded by little blue fires on the ground. "Awwww, DUDE!" he says, getting up. Now, you are playing with power. He thought Clark was just fast, but he's so much more. Clark is on his knees on the ground, weakened. Parasite is about to strike, but Punky tells him not to hurt Clark since there's nothing else he can do. "He's not in control... this time," she says. They both whoosh off together, leaving Clark to stand up and look defeated.
Roger: Boy, these teen leather heroes are... what's the word?
Omar: Lacking?
Roger: Yes, that's it! As we say in the Hollywood dog industry, they're the kind of kids that if they fell in a well, we wouldn't exactly rush to the farm to bark at anyone about it, know what I mean?
Roger: Just shut the fuck up, Omar. I find that offensive.
Omar: Really?
Roger: Naw. Just fuckin' with ya.
Commercials. Oh Reese's, I would eat about a hundred of you if it wouldn't negate every act of exercise I've ever done. Why do your calories torment me so?
Stately Luthor Manor, former home of Lex, who was hot, but which now belongs to Tess, who is ice cold! A guard comes around a hallway corner and says the east corridor is secure. Oh, is it? Are you sure about that? REEEEALLLY? As he walks past, we see that Green Arrow is wedged up in the ceiling against two pieces of brown wood molding. He lands on the floor and makes enough noise that anyone would notice, but the guard doesn't. Green Arrow rushes up behind the guy, grabs him and stun guns him in the neck, Down you go! "Sweet dreams," Oliver says. I like "Down you go!" better. But I'm not the one with the stun gun. Yet. Oliver enters Tess's bedroom, which looks an awful lot like Lana's old bedroom. He looks around the room, resisting the urge to rifle through the panty drawer. He turns and spots a big, gold-colored cabinet. He frisks it and finds a button along the lower left side. It pivots, revealing a steel door behind. Oliver flashes the iPhone at the fingerprint panel and it gives him the green light. The vault slides open revealing a blue-neon-lit set of metal shelves inside. Amid the neatly arranged jewels and vases is a conspicuous chunk of black rock. Oliver grabs it. He hears a door opening outside, though. Ruh-oh!
Tess, wearing the same red outfit she wore in her office, is walking with one of her henchmen. She tells him that "Plastique" and Parasite fell off the grid 20 minutes ago. It was a very narrow grid. She wants an update the moment they get any intel on the two of them. Tess goes to her bedroom. She starts to take off her blouse, but notices in the mirror that Oliver, shirtless, is lying in her bed. He tells her not to stop undressing on his account. Fresh! She buttons back up and accuses him of not recognizing boundaries. Oliver says he thought he'd try another fly-by. By which he means his penis. Flying by. Whoosh! She asks how he got past security. Smirky-smirk. "Must have been sleepin' on the job," he says. Indeed. They've been asleep since about 2002. Tess asks him to leave. "Really?" Oliver asks. He gets up and drops the bedsheet. He's very obviously completely naked. Cad! Tess's eyes go wide, then she turns away. It's man-stuff! "Where the Hell are your pants?" she asks. Pants? What are those? Oh yeah. I just call them "two-legged penis sheaths." Makes me feel more capable in the pants-wearing department. Oliver says he hid them the way he once hid her pants in a cabana in Fiji. He tries to make her reminisce. He remembers they spent the rest of that vacation "au natcher-alle." Nice try, Oliver. Tess says he can streak down memory lane all by himself, because those days are over. Oliver thinks they were having a moment earlier. Tess calls it "tension" but not "sexual." Oliver, still naked, goes right up to her and begs to differ. "I'll fly you to places you never knew existed," he offers. Go on, Oliver, tell her your Jet is Blue. "Let's get United." "Unless you want to fly Virgin, in which case I'll have to be careful with your Delta. Have I mentioned I'm naked? I totally am." Tess tells "Ace" to cool his jets. Oliver says he wants to start over. Tess thinks it's too late for that now. Just then something explodes behind her. She covers her ears and ducks. "Oliver!" she cries. He's lying on the floor, facing down, unconscious. His nuts got blown off! No, not really, but a naked man apparently survived an explosion without a single scratch on his delicates. That's impressive. Tess turns. Punky and Parasite are walking in. Parasite says he deep-fried her security chips with the power he stole from Live Wire. Tess tries to push a button on her phone, but nothing's happening. The phone tells her that termination of the two of them is unsuccessful. The communication link has been lost. Punky accuses her of trying to be the mother hen. That's apt, because there was a cock roaming around the room a minute ago. "Looks like your freaks have come home to roost!" Punky garbles. Parasite reaches for Tess and we cut immediately to the scene.
We see a spotlight outside a Metropolis building. Inside, Dr. Hamilton is on the phone with Clark. Clark's asking if Emil got through to the mansion. Emil says he tried, but all the lines were down. Clark needs to warn Tess. He needs to get to Smallville fast. "Are you there yet?" Emil asks playfully. Clark says he's on the corner of Marshall and Beeman, a nod to two Smallville directors. Clark doesn't see anything. Emil tells him to turn North and walk 30 feet. "It's not faster than a speeding bullet, but it'll get you there pretty quick." Clark finds a crazy-ass sports car, a luscious dark horse rarin' to go. The lights are on and the engine revs. Clark is a little excited despite himself.
Luthor Mansion. Tess is tied to a chair. She wakes up. Parasite is there. He shocks her with his electro-hand. He seems to really be enjoying it. Parasite asks if she's in pain. He asks her to think about how Live Wire and Eva must have felt. "They betrayed us all," Tess says confidently. Punky, standing behind Tess, doesn't believe that. Tess asks what they want. First, Punky says, they want all the Black Creek patient files so they can round up everyone who suffered from Tess's "Injustice." Had to shoehorn the episode title in, didn't you? Punky says they're forming a new league. A much larger league, for people who garble their words as if they have a mouth full of gum! A big league chew, if you will! Parasite says nobody will ever mess with them again. Punky asks for the password to those files. "I'm not about to let the world get taken over by a bunch of freaks," Tess tells her coolly. Punky raises a sword to Tess and says, through her teeth, that this freak's going to make Tess talk. Clark enters through the double doors, at disappointingly normal speed and tells them to get away from Tess. Instead, Punky punches her in the mouth. Parasite zips over to where Clark is standing. Clark tries to reason with Punky, but Parasite grabs him in a choke and lifts. He pins Clark against the wall. Punky tells Clark that her name is now "Plastique" and that if being better than this means letting people like Tess go, then they'd rather be bad guys. Punky is suddenly hit in the shoulder with an arrow. She falls back against a wall. Green Arrow sails in from above with a zip line he somehow found time to attach across the room. Parasite doesn't seem to notice any of this is going on. Oliver lands on the floor and busts out his fist. There's a green Kryptonite ring on it imprinted with a capital "L." It glows brightly. Parasite is weakened. He lets go of Clark and falls to the floor, writhing. Oliver drags him away. He lifts the guy and body slams him onto the pool table. He punches the guy several times with his ring hand. Oliver lifts an 8-ball and looks like he's about to crush the kid's head. "STAAWWWWP!" Clark yells. Clark tells Oliver to let the kid go. Oliver throws the 8-ball against the other billiard balls instead. Clark comes over and grabs Parasite. Parasite just wants the pain to end. Clark advises him to give his powers back. Parasite nods. He grabs Clark's wrist and the transfer of power begins anew. Clark breathes heavily as beams of energy enter back into his body. Clark looks around and sees Oliver carrying out an unconscious Tess in slow motion. Clark gives them both a dirty look. We go to commercials.
Supernatural. An impressive run for that show! Congrats.
Oliver's LuthorCorp office. He puts the chunk of black Kryptonite in a very unsecure-looking little black file box, the kind you'd put your vegetarian recipes in. He puts that box in an unlocked slide-out compartment of the desk. Top-notch security there, Oliver. No wonder you're in Lex's chair in a building still named after his family. He stares into space. The camera pivots to show Clark standing by the entrance to the room. He clears his throat. It's a farmboy mating call. Without turning, Oliver tells him that their teen villains have been locked away in a rehabilitation center, where Tess won't be able to get to them. He finally turns. "So we can focus on finding Chloe and Davis," he tells Clark. Clark asks where the Kryptonite ring went. "It's in a safe place," Oliver tells him. I've had it smelted into a cock ring. Wanna see? Clark is not amused. Oliver says that he's lucky he had it; that ring saved Clark's life. Clark says the ring could kill him. He asks why Oliver would make something like that. Oliver is honest: he says he didn't make it. It belonged to Lex and he took it. "After I took Lex Luthor's life," Oliver says. Clark is aghast. "You're responsible for the explosion," he says. Oliver lowers his head. Oliver knows they were friends at one point, but he thinks Lex would have killed Clark eventually. He says the ring is proof of that. Clark asks why he was wearing it. "In case I don't agree with the murder you plan?" Oliver gets annoyed and pulls the box out of the desk to hand to Clark. He says Clark's getting self-righteous when he didn't have the guts to do what's right and Oliver had to clean up his mess. He raises his voice suddenly: "We do what we have to do, Clark!" You're fired! Pack up your shit and get out of my office! What? You don't work here? Well, fuck you, you're fired anyway! Pack up my shit and take it with you! Somebody's shit is getting packed up in a cardboard box and getting escorted out of the building! I'm like a boss! Oliver thinks Clark is going to do the same thing when he finds Davis. He hopes the guilt doesn't weigh Clark down as much as it weighs on him. Clark nods. He thanks Oliver. But, he says, he'll take it from here. Oliver tries to smooth things out by saying that they're still on the same side, even if they don't see eye-to-eye. Clark turns dramatically. "No, we're not," he says. Oliver has finally figured out that Clark has no plans to kill Davis. Clark tells him he's using the black rock to split Davis from Doomsday and to send the beast to the Phantom Zone. Oliver's not thrilled that Clark was hiding something. Clark tries to justify lying about it. Oliver asks how many more lives have to be lost if Clark is wrong this time. That one stings a bit. Oliver asks Clark to put his ego aside and do what he has to do. It's Clark's turn to lecture. He says he's doing what's right and setting an example. Otherwise, Clark says, they're no better than the people they fight. You certainly don't dress any better than them. Oliver says he's not Clark's enemy. "Then who are you?" Clark asks. Oliver can't answer that. He used to be Aquaman, dammit.
The Barnness of Hidden Objectude. Clark puts away the box with the black Kryptonite in a big tool chest. He closes it. Then he goes to the under-rug panel to find the crystal. It's gone. "Looking for the crystal?" Tess asks. She's upstairs, looking down. How did Clark not notice she was there? So much for superhearing. Clark guesses Eva told her all about it. Tess thought she knew about Clark from the Veritas journal, but now she has a few more of the Kal-El puzzle pieces. Clark asks if she had a Black Creek inmate steal the crystal before she killed them. She blames Lex for Black Creek and pretends she had nothing to do with that project. She says the chips were implanted there, and the chips might have malfunctioned. "You can't blame me," she says. Clark's not buying it. He asks where she put the crystal. Tess says she had it destroyed so Clark would have no choice but to kill Doomsday. She doesn't think sending him to space prison is enough. She thinks others might have escaped from the Phantom Zone. Clark ignores that and says this isn't her battle. Tess seizes on that, saying that Clark is admitting it's his battle. She says she's doing all this for Clark. She thinks that a true hero has to sacrifice his own personal morality to keep the world safe. Clark doesn't think anyone has the right to choose who lives and who dies. Clark says he was beginning to think she was different from Lex. "I was wrong," he says. Clark starts to walk off and Tess looks stricken. She composes herself and says that the difference is that Lex turned his back on Clark. Oh, and so many other sides. "But I still believe," she says. She tells him she understands that if more people were like Clark, the world would be a better place. She doesn't think Clark can avoid his fate. Clark has a snappy comeback. He says that the word "fate" is used by people who've lost sight of who they are. He stares down Tess. He asks why she's determined to see Davis die. She says it's because an entire civilization's survival depends on it. With that she leaves. Clark watches her go. She kind of has a point, Clark.
Luthor Manor, nighttime. Tess is walking down a hallway toward the former Lair of Lex. We hear weird whispering. The office is lit up purple. Tess can see it through the stained glass of the double doors. She enters. A purple orb is shooting energy in all directions. It levitates. "Is Kal-El ready to fulfill the prophesy?" it asks her in a male voice. Tess says she did as the person asked. "The crystal has been destroyed," she says. The orb grows to fill up most of the room. It grows until it's almost touching Tess. She stares at it with wide eyes. "Then you shall be the savior of Kandor," the voice says. Tess closes her eyes and is bathed in light. Kandor, take me away! And we go to black.
Omar: So, what did you think?
Roger: That is some rough stuff, there. That's a lot to wade through for so long.
Omar: Well, thanks for sitting in. It was nice to have some company. So, where's this trip you're taking?
Roger: Ah, that. You know, it's more a metaphoric trip. I'm not really traveling anywhere.
Omar: Really?
Roger: Yeah. See, I've been sick for a while and it's not going too well. In a few weeks, my humans are putting me to sleep.
Omar: Holy shit! I'm gonna cry!
Roger: No, no, come on, kid, it's all right. Listen, I've had a really long run. I've gotten to work with some great people, I've made a lot of fans. I got to be part of this entertainment community I never dreamed even existed. I got no regrets. I'm lucky to have the time to say goodbye.
Omar: I'm so sorry, Roger. I wish I'd known.
Roger: Naw, it's better this way. We got to have some fun first and look back on old times a little. Thanks for that.
Omar: Wow. I can't thank you enough for being here, Roger. We'll be thinking about you. You're a class act.
Roger: Thanks, kid. Let's not get all weepy into our fucking kerchiefs here. Say the words I wanna hear so I can beat it.
Omar: I don't... Oh! I think I get it. Hey, Roger. Good dog. Good dog.
Roger: Woof woof, buddy.
week: all things must end, and so must this season. Expect lots of Chloe and Davis action, as well as visits from other super friends.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks of Smallville when he has No Prior Knowledge!
Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the TWoP Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered.