Chloe chooses the worst time to have a birthday party, having just had her husband abandon her. She's also realizing that she's surrounded herself in life with insufferable douches. Lana is off fighting invisible crime somewhere, Clark can't be bothered to show up at Chloe's shindig, Lois runs off to an assignment in Mexico and Oliver goes off to play green-tights hero. Where's Davis? Still out posing in the rain? The birthday is so crappy that Chloe allows some tarty tights-wearing magician girl to grant her a birthday cupcake wish. In a moment of clear insanity, Chloe wishes she had Lois's exciting reporter life. Poof! She wakes up the morning with boob-inflicted back pains and Lois's face.
Meanwhile, the magician girl, Zatanna, visits Oliver and seeks his help in reacquiring a book her dead father left for her. It's a magic book, filled with dark, nasty things. Oh, dad! The book was purchased by Lex and is probably accessible to Oliver somehow. She tells Oliver that if he gets the book, she'll grant him one wish. Oliver finds the book, but after a 2-second review of it decides to burn it instead. Zatanna uses her magic to chain up Oliver (whose Green Arrow disguise she easily figured out) and takes the book anyway without the wish. Sucker! Did we mention she's not a meteor freak, but actually uses real magic to grant wishes? Just thought you should know.
Chloe adjusts to life as Lois by dropping her IQ about 20 points and letting Clark ogle her. Clark finally figures out the body-swap (after Chloe explains it to him) and they track down Zatanna, who grants Clark his own wish. He forgets all about his powers and becomes a straight-laced, really boring reporter type. [Also? Kind of a dick. - Zach] Chloe has to pep-talk him into jumping up the Daily Planet building to save Zatanna from herself. In order to try to bring her dad back to life, she's trying to sacrifice her own life using the evil book. Chloe is almost sacrificed in her place, but in the end, they convince her that this isn't what her dad would have wanted. Clark even invokes Bo Duke's memory to make the point. Chloe, having helped someone, reverts to her own body and decides she's fine with her own life and no longer is jealous of Clark and Lois's reporting adventures.
Zatanna gives Oliver her business card and tells him to call if he ever needs help. She's going to walk the Earth or something and figure things out. But she definitely falls under the "Good guys who may/may not come back later" category. Speaking of good guys, Chloe and Oliver decide to work together more closely. Chloe becomes Watchtower, the communications specialist for the Justice League. At the end, she's plugging in and shedding her old life. I guess I can't blame her, since her old life had been whittled down to a harmless nub of nothing by this point.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read up on Zatanna in our handy guide to the Superheroes (and Villains) of Smallville!
We open on Metropolis, a flyover at night. The anonymous buildings glitter as we pass them by. We cut to Chloe on the balcony of what looks like the remodeled Ace of Clubs. She looks forlorn, which is understandable. She's wearing a sleeveless green dress, which I'm guessing makes for a pretty cold night up there. Chloe plays with her wedding ring. Her sad mood is broken when someone puts a birthday present in front of her. It has an orange bow and a small card taped to it says, "From Clark." "Clark, you shouldn't have," Chloe says, smiling, but turns to find Oliver standing there instead. Most ladies would happily take that trade-in. Oliver says Clark's sorry he couldn't make it. He and Bart (speed demon Impulse) are off fighting crime. [In Keystone City, no less! - Zach] Chloe, her hair sexily tousled, is aware of the trouble going on, but doesn't elaborate. Chloe is only a bit disappointed. Oliver tells her to see what she got. She opens the gift box, which in the TV convention is not taped up at all and slides open easily. Wrapped inside the box's orange tissue paper is something that brings back memories for Chloe. "I haven't seen this in ages," she says. It's a book, Tales of the Weird & Unexplained, which she lost when she moved to Smallville. Aw, Clark remembered. She smiles wistfully. Oliver asks if she's all right. She lies and says she is. She says birthdays just make her reflective. Oliver suggests they get Chloe out of her own head and into the party.
The two of them step back inside the main club. Chloe suddenly goes wildly off script, it seems. "See? Case in point. That was supposed to be my life," she says, pointing to Lois. Lois, wearing a typically va-va-voom bustified outfit, is laughing with some partygoers over near the bar. She's waving her arms around, telling some outrageous story we're blessed not to hear. The camera stays on Lois for just a beat too long as Chloe asks Oliver what happened. She says she was on the fast track to becoming an intrepid reporter and now she's a shrink to meteor-infected kids who'll probably turn out to be killers while Clark and Lois walk the beat with matching press passes. Chloe amazingly gets all that out in a single sentence. Not to be bitter, but Chloe adds that she was able to hold on to "happily ever after" for 2.3 seconds before her marriage imploded. Uh... happy birthday? Want a drink? Chloe gives Oliver big, glaring eyes. Oliver chooses the interesting route of making an opera reference. He asks if this is the part where Chloe belts out the soprano's aria and shoves a dagger in her corset. Oh, Oliver. Why? Chloe, who has nothing to apologize for, apologizes for the operetta. "I would love to know how she does it!" Chloe says. All right, that's it. I'm out. I quit. What the Hell is this bullshit? Chloe wants to know how Lois is a great reporter? Okay, maybe I don't quit, but Chloe should. Fuck whatever set of circumstances got us to this point, because it's a messed-up world when Chloe has to be jealous of Lois's bullshit reporting skills. And apparently we are living in that world. It is a cold, dead world.
Oliver, who seems to speak only in bad dialogue smatterings these days, says he's detecting a hint of jealousy in there. "Noooo," Chloe whines, defensively. She thinks after all these "Debbie Ups and Downers lately" she'd just like to be back in the bullpen. Oliver rolls his eyes around thinking of something to say or somewhere else to be. Before he can answer, Lois steamrolls over. "Hey!" she says, "one year closer to the sweet release of death!" She hands Chloe a cupcake with a candle on it. Nice thing to say to a relative on the edge of divorce. I know she's a lady, but Lois is a real dick. Chloe frowns and smiles at the same time, calling it "Wonderfully morbid." Yeah, that's one thing you could call it if you didn't want to use the words "Giant" and "asshole." Lois apologizes for having to leave to cover a factory worker strike in Mexico. She says the paper is sending her "El primero classo, wheels up in 30." She puts a tiara on Chloe's head. Lois tells Chloe not to do anything she wouldn't do. What would that be? Lois tells her she loves her and plants a kiss on the birthday girl's cheek. And with that, she's out. Where the Hell is Davis? This would be the perfect opportunity for him to mack on Chloe's bruised, rebounding heart.
Lois walks past a woman who's wearing high-heeled leather boots and fishnet stockings. We pull back to show that she's wearing a funky lady-tux and a top hat. If she had a monocle, she could be the world's sexiest Mr. Peanut. She's also got a white bow tie, tons of makeup and is carrying a cigar tray with her name in the front, "Zatanna." Mmm, I love Zatanna with peanut butter on a warm crepe. Wait, am I thinking of the right condiment? The oddly dressed woman stares at Chloe. Just then, Oliver's phone rings. He starts to make an excuse, but Chloe cuts him off: "Duty calls," she says. She tells him it's fine. Oliver apologizes again and says happy birthday. No kiss or hug or gift. Nice one, asshole. I sure hope Oliver is picking up the tab for this party. As Oliver is walking out, Zatanna stands in his way, She says he looks like a button-up man who could use a little magic in his life. "Button-up?" He's wearing a tie, and his top button's not even buttoned. I think he could use more buttoning-up than magic, frankly. Oliver palms off the magician on Chloe. He says she could use the hocus-pocus and truly deserves it. Thanks? Chloe winces as Zatanna watches Oliver go. Zatanna brightens up as she gives Chloe an up-and-down look. "Rough birthday?" she asks. Does Chloe really look that terrible? Chloe asks if she's seen the napalm scene in Apocalypse Now. "More fire, less cake," Chloe deadpans. Zatanna, who looks in close-up like a mix between a young Priscilla Presley (thanks forum posters) and a mascara-testing rabbit, suggests they make tomorrow a better day. She asks Chloe to make a wish. Chloe stares at what I suspect is a CGI candle flame. Zatarra's eyes flash blue momentarily from their normal green. We cut quickly to a shot of Lois talking and laughing into her phone. Chloe blows out the candle.
We see Chloe in her apartment. She looks drunk. She puts down a glass of water to some aspirin on the nightstand, turns out the light and falls across the bed, fully dressed and still with her tiara on her head.
The morning, a set of feet settles into a pair of giant bunny slippers. The feet go walking. They turn to the full-length mirror. Quentin Tarantino is totally digging this. Wearing the tiara and green dress is now Lois. "Oh my God, I'm Lois!" Chloe-in-the-body-of-Lois says. Oh man, this is gonna suck. Overly jaunty music tortures us before we go to the opening credits. The sweet release of the death of that scene.
Commercials. Red Bull makes you jump ramps and make extreme dirt bike turns and other things that require a helmet. I'll stick to iced tea, thanks.
The Talon. It's Super Mocha Mondays. How is that place still in business? You'd think somebody would have shut it down now that Lex and Lana are gone. Chloe-as-Lois is struggling to put on a purple top, buttoning it against the mighty new chest it must contain. She talks on the phone to the real Lois, who seems to be doing fine in Mexico. Lois is riding in a heavily armed military vehicle. She says things are fine except for the government oppression and slave labor. Chloe looks at her tight shirt in the mirror. Even though Chloe has Lois's voice, Lois doesn't recognize it over the phone. Chloe asks if she's sure there's nothing weird. "You don't sound like yourself," the real Lois tells her. Chloe-Within-Lois says she has a frog in her throat. So I guess that rules out a body-swap. Chloe hangs up the phone and looks startled. The incidental music comes to a crescendo because being Lois Lane is the most amazing thing ever.
Daily Planet, daytime. Chloe-By-Way-Of-Lois walks down the stairs to the basement. We see things from her point of view. Everyone is staring at us with admiring eyes. Some of them are even looking at our face. A fresh-faced worker tells Lois that she did a nice job on that City Hall piece. An assistant wearing a full suit tries to hand her the morning coffee and the day's dry cleaning. He's smiling in a Black Hole Sun kind of way. She thanks him, but can't remember his name. That's all right, because he's used to Lois not knowing his name anyway. She takes the coffee mug, which is red and has hearts all over it, and the dry cleaning bundle. "Right," she says and finishes the trek down the stairs. Bonus points: she's baring her midriff. Now that's an ace reporter. Chloe/Lois looks at the desk. There's a backstage pass for a rock concert and a framed photo of Lois with her arm around the Dalai Lama. Oh, now come on! And in the photo, it looks like the Dalai Lama is totally checking Lois out. Now that's just wrong, people. Chloe-What's-In-This-Lois takes off her jacket and sits down at the desk. She throws away an old sandwich and is somehow already logged into the computer system. She types, "Zatanna, Metropolis" into a search engine. A nice poster for the "Mistress of Magic" instantly pops up.
Clark spots Lois (or something like her) and calls her name. He asks why she's not still in Mexico. He didn't think she'd get deported that fast. Clark scoffs at her before he gets a good answer: he asks if there's a limit to how tight a shirt can be and still meet the dress code. Snap! "Really? Even you?" Chloe-Upon-Lois says. She adds that she never made it to Mexico. Clark, already pretending to be fed up with the story, asks if this can wait until after her post-lunch, pre-dinner, after-coffee snack break. Boy, Clark is really giving her the business. He's never this fun. He says he can't imagine her having anything more to say after last night. "Last night?" she asks. Clark says she called him five times from the airport and once from the plane. She goes on the attack, asking how he was able to take time for six phone calls, but wasn't able to show up at Chloe's birthday. "Chloe knows sometimes I get hung up at the... farm," he says. Clark defends himself against a Lois suggestion that he's taking Jimmy's side. Clark reasons that he only believes there's two sides to every story. Well, in this story, Jimmy is a douche on both ends. "Really? Exactly what two sides?" Chloe-All-Up-In-That-Lois asks. Clark says Jimmy went overboard on the Davis thing, but that it's hard to be in a relationship when the other person doesn't believe in you. Chloe-With-A-Lois-Face looks hurt. Just then, something beeps on his computer. There's a police standoff. Clark already starts to walk out of the office, telling Lois to grab her jacket. She just stands there. Clark thinks there's something amiss when she doesn't tell him to saddle up. "Start your engines... Smallville!" she says instead. That's weak, even for a fake Lois. [So does Lois cover international incidents, or local disturbances of the peace? Or both? - Zach]
The corner of LuthorCorp and LuthorCorp. Oliver has apparently taken over the old Papa Luthor office. He's reading the newspaper, which doesn't seem like an Oliver kind of thing to do. The front-page headline says, "Search continues in Luthor murder - LuthorCorp CEO donated (something) million to high school." That doesn't seem like a very fitting eulogy for Lex. Just then, Zatanna is standing there, wearing a leather zip-up top, trying to look like Danica Patrick before a GoDaddy.com commercial shoot. Oliver guesses she's not from the steel union. Because of the union of steel... in your pants? I guess I just don't get Oliver's sense of humor. She introduces herself, at which point I would have said, "Vagina?" Oliver's much smoother than me. They shake hands. Then Oliver ruins it by asking if she lost a bet with that name. Ouch. She says it's a family thing. He asks why she tracked him down to a nightclub, then his office. She says she needs his help. These fishnets are riding up really high and if he could just... Oliver doesn't take her for the charity type. She says her father left her an estate in "Shadowcrest," so money's no big deal. Oliver suddenly connects Shadowcrest with her father. "John Zatara, the Maestro of Magic, was your father?" he asks. The fuck? He says he knows what it's like to lose family. She's Zatanna Zatara? Really? Poor girl. Zatanna says she lost his knowledge from a book that's like the Bible of her heritage. She says Lex acquired the book in an auction after her father died. She wants it back. Oliver asks why she can't wiggle her nose or pull it out of a hat. "You're cute," she says, "and, no." She says she didn't learn much beyond parlor tricks from her father. Oliver wishes he could help, but despite the merger, he doesn't think he can get to Lex's things without pushing past some lawyers. Zatanna tries to sweeten the deal. She says she can grant Oliver a wish. Big or small, tall or squat. Oliver says it's tempting, but he's pretty comfortable. Zatanna says there must be a person he's lost or something he's done he'd like to take back. She says she'll make it happen if Oliver gets the book. Then she sets a midnight deadline. Oliver looks down at the newspaper with Lex on the front. We hear a whooshing sound. When Oliver looks up, he's alone in the office. Spooky lady!
Commercials. I'm not prone to watching Tampax commercials, and the one with Mother Nature personified as a crazy Mother Nature lady won't change that.
Streets of Metropolis. Chloe-Plus-Lois and Clark are walking around. It's daytime. Chloe-Within-Lois is dressed more conservatively now, in a gray business suit. [She changed on her way to a police standoff? - Zach] The top is still very tight. Clark is also suited up. He complains that she hasn't insulted him today. And she crossed at a crosswalk. He asks what's up with that. She says she woke up on the right side of the bed, with fresh eyes. She starts to say something, then trips and falls. Clark catches her in his arms and looks down at her with admiring eyes. She sighs. Clark asks what that look is for. She says he's never looked at her that way before. Aw. Not nice. Clark pulls her back to her feet. They have an awkward moment, but are interrupted by shouting nearby. A man up on a fire escape is yelling into a megaphone in a foreign language. He's also tossing what appear to be throw pillows. Guess that's why they call them that. A police car is there and people on the street are watching. A police officer approaches Chloe-Mit-Lois and hands her a wad of cash. He says it squares him up for Friday's poker game, and that he's been working on his bluff. I just noticed she's wearing a little orange flower in her hair. She tells the "tough guy" to keep up the good work. She asks about their "Sophoclean town crier." The cop takes a beat and then explains the situation. The guy has been babbling up there in Latin all day. That's worth a police call? "Woman... magic, cursed on. Book brings death," Chloe-Now-With-Lois translates. Clark asks when she learned Latin. "Zatanna!" the man cries, "Zatanna!" Dude, I know! Some guys think she's hot! (Me, not so much.)
Chloe makes the connection and pulls Clark aside. She tells him that Zatanna is the witchy woman who did this to her. Did what? She says she knows where Zatanna is performing. She suggests Clark superspeed over there to dust off any leads. "Superspeed... we didn't even bring the car," Clark says, lamely. "What?!" she answers. Oh man. Just... get... through... the scene. Please, man. I'm aging here. She says she's Chloe. Clark squints at her. "Stood her up at formal, Chloe?" she tries. "Planted one on you because Zod was ending the world, Chloe?" "Krypton, Fortress, Braniac, Jor-El, Chloe!" she concludes. "Chloe!" Clark realizes. "Bingo!" she fires back. Check, please! She explains, in a speaking style much more like Lois than Chloe, that a magician girl showed up at her birthday and hexed her. "But you'd know that if you hadn't skipped it to answer voice mails from Lois," she says. Ooh, nice one. She says she's not dwelling and walks off before Clark can answer. Clark has about a week's worth of thinking to do.
Theater marquee. It reads: "Zatanna The Mistress of Magic Tonight." Tomorrow, she's the Empress of Curly Fries at Arby's. As they arrive at the theater, Chloe-Lumped-In-With-Lois says she's not exactly hiding out. Clark wonders why he didn't pick up on this whole situation sooner. Because... you're a dumbass? Nobody was surprised but you. She tries the doors, but they're locked. She tells Clark that the day has been illuminating. Clark tries to explain what he said about Jimmy. She says it's fine, that Clark is nice to everyone. She brings up the book he gave her and says it was a nice callback. Clark says he thought it would bring her back to a time when things were -- "Weird and unexplained?" she finishes. She thinks Clark might miss it. Clark has a rare moment of clarity. He says that things are so weird now, every day, that weird has become normal. Clark says he loves what he's doing at the paper, but sometimes wishes he could just be a normal reporter. He opens the door for her. She asks Clark not to stick to his day job for now. They enter the theater as we pan over to Zatanna's sexy pin-up poster outside the theater.
Inside, in a dressing room, Zatanna is looking at a picture of herself as a young girl with her dad, who looks like a normal, handsome dude, not some crazy wizard from the Nether-Realm. The old photo is to an old handbill of the two of them in costume. She tells her father it won't be much longer. "Much longer for what?" Clark asks. He's standing behind Zatanna with Chloe-Mixed-With-A-Pinch-Of-Lois. She turns and asks if they've met. Chloe brings up the enchanted cupcake and Zatanna places her instantly. Clark asks her to reverse the curse. Use your purse, nurse. Zatanna is a bit offended by the use of the word "curse." She says she granted a wish. Chloe asks why she'd wish herself into this. I was wondering that myself. "I don't write the magics, honey, I just use them," Zatanna says. That should be the name of her spinoff show. Zatanna says it may not be her deepest desire, but it was what Chloe wanted at that moment. Chloe-Put-Upon-Lois explains that she may have been a little jealous of Lois, but she didn't literally want her life. Zatanna says it'll wear off as soon as Chloe doesn't want it anymore. "Fine. I don't want it," Chloe/Lois over-enunciates. Zatanna's not buying it, since nothing happens. Clark brings up the Latin-yelling guy from the antique shop. He asks if Zatanna thinks the guy wanted to end up crazy. Zatanna says the guy may have wanted a better understanding of dead languages, and she wanted her father's book. She calls it a fair trade. Clark asks what the guy meant when he said the book would bring death. She avoids Clark's gaze when she says some people are a little superstitious. Clark suggests that she's using people. Zatanna says she just gives people what they want. She says everyone has something they hope for or wish they could change. Even Clark. Oh man, don't even get me started. She wonders what Clark's little wish would be. Her eyes flash blue. Chloe pulls on Clark's shoulder. We hear stardust sounds and Zatanna is gone. Chloe asks is Clark is all right. She can't figure out what's different. As they walk out of the building, Chloe says that she forgot magic affects Clark like everybody else. She asks if he's sure he's all right. He tells "Lois" he's fine. Uh-oh. Suddenly, a woman is having her purse stolen on the street. [In broad daylight, surrounded by people. What is this, Gotham? - Z] Chloe asks if Clark is going to do anything. He looks on. "You're absolutely right, Lois," he says. Heroically, he pulls out his phone and calls 911. My hero!
Commercials. I like Seth Rogen, but Observe and Report looks like a lot of... what's the opposite of the word "Fun?" That.
Daily Planet. New and Improved Boring-Ass Clark and Chloe-Got-Stuck-In-Lois get out of an elevator. He asks how gullible she thinks he is. A lot? Tons? A universe worth? Clark jokes that he had trouble telling Chloe and Lois apart, but Lois is the tall one. Chloe is trying to convince Clark about the body swap, but Clark insists there's no such thing as magic. She tries to remind him that he was just complaining he wanted to be a normal reporter without alien powers. Clark says if something's too weird to be true, it usually is. Chloe-Saddled-With-Lois frowns. Clark tells her that's Rule Number 4. He pulls out of a desk drawer Lois Lane's Rules for Reporting, which he has had framed. Oh, dear God, NO! Clark! You wuss! He shows it to her. It's hand-written and hideous. This is the true book of evil. Chloe tries again, explaining that the spell took away one half of Clark's double life. Clark doesn't remember his other, Big-Dumb Alien life.
Jaunty, annoying music plays as Clark and Faux-Lois are on the roof, where she's brought him. She tells him to snap out of it. "You're a hero!" she says. "I'm a regular Green Arrow," he replies sarcastically. He insists he doesn't make the news, he just reports it. She tells him he's a super-being from another planet. He asks her not to tell human resources. Could this scene get any more annoying? [Could Clark get any more douchey? - Z] Clark says he has a deadline to meet. Tight-Shirt Lois locks the door leading back to the building. She tells him to open the door. He says he needs the key. He pulls on the door handle and it snaps off. She asks if he believes her now. Boring Clark is shocked at the maintenance on the door. There's rust in the handle. She asks him to listen. Reeeeallly listen. The camera rotates around him as Clark hears distant cars, planes and helicopters. Is he listening to a Vietnam movie? Clark thinks it's just really good acoustics up on the roof. No-Lois goes after him with a big pipe. She misses. He yells at her, saying that could have really hurt. He's scared of her now. She tells him, exasperated, that he has super strength and speed, super hearing and X-ray vision. He also has a deadline. He wants to get off the roof. He says that's unless his power include the ability to fly. She shakes her head. "I didn't think so," he tells her. Can we get off this roof now?
LuthorCorp warehouse. Two guards are on patrol and hear what sounds like an arrow being shot. They run toward the sound. The arrow, which has hit a box, shoots out a puff of gas. The two men fall. Behind them, Green Arrow drops in from the ceiling. He pulls out his crossbow and says, thickly, "Sorry, guys." He promises them a nice Christmas bonus. Eschewing his usual high-tech toys, Green Arrow is holding a folded up piece of paper. He uses it to navigate to a large box. He pulls it open with a crowbar. Inside, amid straw and a fancy blanket is the book Zatanna is looking for. "Thanks, Lex," he says.
A nearby alley. to a flaming garbage barrel, Green Arrow is looking at the book. Zatanna appears behind him, golf clapping. She says he found the book and pulled it off in style. He pretends not to have met her before. "Oh, please, Oliver," she says. She's made the obvious connection between the favor she asked and the green vigilante who showed up to carry it out. "You need to work on your sleight-of-hand," she advises. Oliver pulls off his stupid hood and glasses. "Yeah," he agrees. She asks for the book and offers up the wish. Oliver tells her it's not just stagecraft; there's some really dark stuff in the book. Zatanna says the irony of her ability is she can grant everyone's wish but her own. Oliver eyes the fire to him. "Please. Don't," she tells him. She says it's the only way to bring her father back. Oliver thinks about it. He says he's sorry and tosses the book toward the fire. Zatanna does a Jedi trick and pulls the book toward her. "Not good," Oliver says. He goes for his mini crossbow, but Zatanna quickly casts a spell that sends chains flying toward him. Oliver is strung up against an electrical post, we see him. He tells her she can't just bring someone back and change fate. Zatanna apologizes, but says she's waited too long for this. She walks away in her long coat and very tiny outfit. She tells her father she's coming. Oliver is left to hang around and think about his stupidity.
Commercials. You guys probably don't get the truck commercials we do in Texas, but apparently it's Truck Month. The strange thing is that it's always truck month in Texas.
A hospital bed at Metropolis General. Yes, it's finally happened. Met Gen is being used now as often as Smallville Medical Center used to be. It's almost like they're using the same set! A man lying there has a big monitor attached to his left wrist. Clark and Chloe-Shoved-Into-Lois enter the room even though they are neither family nor friends. Clark says he'll handle this. "Do you speak English?" Clark asks. Ah, it's the guy from the fire escape. He wants to know who Clark is. Trust me, dude, you really don't. Chloe-Invading-Lois introduces herself as Lois Lane from The Planet and says they thought the guy might be under some kind of spell. In the doucheiest way possible, Clark undercuts his partner, saying, "Well, she did." "You know," the man says, but it almost sounded to me like he was starting a thought. "You know... this is a very uncomfortable bed. Might you adjust it for me?" Instead he's cut off and asked about the book and Zatanna and all that other less interesting stuff. He speaks rapidly, saying he never should have told her how to find the book. Very fast, he says, "I'mafraidshe'stooblindedbyhergrieftoseethedangershe'sin." Whoah, whoah, slow down, Latin Simone. Clark can't even understand what most people are saying when they speak at normal speed. This isn't a Matchbox Cars commercial, man. Clark asks about this whole "danger" thing. He's told that Zatanna will have to make a sacrifice to bring her father back. The man says the incantation requires the taking of a life to bring back a life. It's called the Life-Life-Win-Lose Ratio. In his creepiest voice, the man says, "A life for a life. A soul for a soul!" Yeah, we get it, Uncle Repertory Theatre Company. Clark, who is not supposed to believe in magic right now, still manages to look spooked.
Zatanna is standing on the Daily Planet rooftop holding the book. Why is she doing it there? She begins to read: "As life is lived from front to back, let death be turned from back to front." Oh no, she's confused the Zataranomicron with a pamphlet on basic feminine hygiene! A wipe for a wipe! "Grant me my wish. Resurrect John Zatara!" she says. The camera goes overhead to... resurrect him from a crane? She speaks more words that I can't understand and a giant beam of urine-colored light shoots out of the book. Quick! Wipe! Lights flash. Zatanna stares at something we can't see.
Clark and Chloe-What's-Up-In-This-Chesty-Body-Of-Lois are walking down the street. Clark thinks the guy from the hospital really believed what he was saying. Chloe think they need to find Zatanna before she acts on the spell. Clark notices some lightning flashing from overhead. They both look up and see a swirling Hell-cloud straight out of Ghostbusters right over the newspaper's rooftop globe. Chloe tells him he's the only one who can get up there. By elevator? [They broke the door, remember? Wait, how did they get down? - Z] She pep-talks him into taking a super-leap up there. Clark looks up, skeptical. Chloe tells him he doesn't have to believe himself. She wants to believe in him. She tells him he can't possibly want to be a normal guy sitting behind a desk covering disasters instead of stopping them. She tells him to use the power he feels. "The world needs you," she says. The yellow lightning continues to flash. Clark stares up at the sky. He turns back and Lois has turned into Chloe. She's wearing the same suit, but it fits better now. He starts to say that's "impossible," but Chloe beats him to it. Chloe, the real Chloe this time, says he just needs a little leap of faith. "You can do this," she tells him, "up, up and away!" Clark takes off his jacket. He bends down and there's all kinds of energy rippling around his feet as he makes a mighty leap. He bolts straight up, arms behind him, face leading the way. Wheeeee!
Up on the roof, a bright yellow portal has opened up in front of Zatanna. "Daddy?" she asks. Clark is standing to her. He tells her to stop this spell. For a spell. Or permanently. That would actually be better. She tells Clark not to move, and that she needs to bring her father back. "At what cost?" Clark asks. The cost of decent dialogue, apparently. Clark asks if she's willing to sacrifice her life for him. Zatanna says her father did so much for her and that she knows the rules. He shouldn't have died so early. She wants to make it right. She says she's not afraid. She starts to walk to the portal, but Clark stops her. He asks if her father would really want this. She snaps at him, asking what Clark would know about losing the man who made him what he is. Clark explains that the day he lost Bo Duke, he thought his world would never be the same. He says it was like having something ripped away forever, but he had to let him go. At that moment, Chloe pushes through the roof door and gets sucked into the swirling portal. [Disproving my broken-door theory, and Chloe's theory that only Clark could stop Zatanna. - Z] "No! It was supposed to be me!" Zatanna cries. Clark uses the moment to bring back a Bo Duke-style platitude. He says we don't get to choose, but we can choose how to live the life we're given. Clark says he's finally the man his father wanted him to be. A city slicker. Clark asks who her father wants her to be. Meanwhile, Chloe is still floating in the death portal, looking uncomfortable. Little help? Somebody? Zatanna says she's sorry. She takes a moment as we see Chloe and the silhouette of a man in the portal. Zatanna reads a few words and the portal explodes, spitting Chloe out. Clark goes to her as Zatanna just stares at nothing. Clark looks over at her, sadly. Magic!
Commercials. Mr. Peanut at sea! I didn't even know this commercial was coming when I referenced him earlier. I call that kismet. Peanut-flavored kismet.
Talon, morning. A pair of feet slip into the giant bunny slippers and walk to the mirror, but this time it's Chloe in her own body. She smiles at her morning face. There's a knock at the door. Clark hesitates only a moment before walking in. He brought a peace offering for missing her party. Chloe's wearing quite the skimpy top. I think she's pretty much given up the thought that Clark might ever think of her in a sexual way. Chloe praises him for saving the day. Clark thanks Chloe for her assist and for reminding him about his real self. Chloe says hero support isn't just a day job anymore. She looks in the bag that Clark brought. "And for that... we eat bagels," she says. She asks if Clark remembers everything. Clark is out of the "Just the facts, ma'am," routine, he says, but he did feel like a weight had been lifted when he was ignorant. Chloe says it must have been hard to saddle up again. Clark says it felt empty living without a purpose. "This is who I am, Chloe," he says, "every morning I wake up with a purpose." Good, just don't be one of those fish-fetish weirdos who wakes up with a porpoise. Clark asks why Chloe waited so long to tell him what was going on. She takes a moment to answer. She tells him her life has been less than desirable lately, with the whole Jimmy thing. She thinks there's an appeal to "The dynamic duo's weekly adventures." Clark lies and says she hasn't missed much. He says things haven't been that smooth with Lois lately. Chloe knows he doesn't want to open a can of "Kryptonian worms" by telling Lois the secret, but she says Lois is a part of his life now. Chloe says that given Clark's puppy-dog eyes at her all the time, he probably doesn't mind at all. Clark gives her a stern look. No puppy eyes. She tells him that just because he was burned once, that doesn't mean he can't give it a second chance. Clark deflects: "Are we still talking about me, or are we talking about you and Jimmy?" Chloe goes serious. "Touché," she says. She tells Clark that neither of them can live in the past. She says you can't be who you want to be if you're always looking over your shoulder at whom you could have been. I think I might have followed that. Maybe. Clark thinks about it. Ow. He lifts his coffee and they clink cardboard cups. "Cheers to that," he says. They both drink.
Oliver's office. Zatanna is there, waiting for him. He asks if she's there to kick his ass again. He says it was so much fun the first time. Zatanna says she came to apologize. "Bound by steel," he says. He says she said that to him backwards. [She says spells backwards, even! Way to follow the source material! - Z] He had time to mull that over when he was strung up, his identity at risk of being revealed. As Oliver grabs a drink from the bar, Zatanna expresses regret and says she wants to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. Oliver advises her just not to do it again. Zatanna starts to walk out, but Oliver stops her. Aw, it was just fun and games, girl! Come back! Oliver tells her he respects that she made a tough choice. She smiles. She warns him that there are many more dangerous people out there with more control over dangerous magic than she has. She gives Oliver a playing card in case he runs into her kind of mischief again. She tells him to call her and that she'll be on his side. He asks if she's taking the show on the road. She plans to take time off to do some light reading. She wants to make her father proud, so she's got some catching up to do. She starts to walk out again. Oliver asks how the card works. Is he supposed to hold it up, read a spell and say her name several times to summon her? "It's my phone number," she explains. "Oh!" Oliver answers. He flips the card over. It says, "Zatanna, Mistress of Magic" and lists a 555 number. She disappears when Oliver is looking down. Sorry, Oliver. No magic nookie for you.
Daily Planet, nighttime. Clark is staring at the computer and typing while Lois stares at him. That's quite a tan you got there, Lois. How long were you in Mexico? Clark asks if there's something on her mind. She asks how long it took Clark to realize she wasn't her usual charming self. He says she wasn't as bossy as usual. And Chloe let him drive. Little blonde sources, she says, tell her he doesn't mind the assertive flair. "Let me see it," she says. Clark pretends not to know what she's talking about. She smiles and tells him he has a terrible poker face. "Gimme, gimme," she says. Clark sighs. He pulls the framed rules from Lois out of the drawer. Lois looks at them. "Wow," she says, "who would have known you were this sentimental?" She suggests they hang it up so everyone can see it. Clark grabs it back. He says it was a memento [Or, rather, a "momento." - Z] from his first day on the job. He says it's a constant reminder that there's only one Lois Lane. "You'd better believe it," she whispers. Lois packs up her stuff. She has a date with a guy who asked her out in First Class. Clark looks a bit hurt. She asks if Clark has any big plans. Clark says he's going to hang around and get some things done. He asks if he should call Lois if anything breaks on the wire. She asks if he's going to stand her up again. Clark says that was a mistake. She agrees. She says they should table the whole office sparks thing and just focus on the game on the field. Clark says that's a good rule. Lois nods. "You should add that to the list," she says. Clark watches her go. He looks at the frame again.
Isis Foundation. Chloe is waiting as Oliver walks in through the front door. "Ready?" he asks. She is. Funky music starts to play. Oliver asks if she's really ready to leave her reporter life forever. Chloe chuckles. She says yesterday she wouldn't have been able to answer the question. Now, after the day she had, she's realized that's somebody else's life. Boo. Oliver says everyone else has so much clarity after their encounter with Zatanna. He wishes he'd had some of the fairy dust, too. Chloe walks to a desk and pulls out an earpiece and a controller. She offers to save Oliver the heel blisters. She says he already knows what he really wants. They all just don't listen. She holds up the earpiece to Oliver. "This is where I belong," she tells him as Oliver takes the earpiece. She uses the remote to open Lana's command center. Inside, the screens display some of our old pals. "Aquaman online," a voice announces, "Canary online, Cyborg online, Impulse online." Oliver adds, "Arrow online." Chloe puts on her own earpiece. Rock music plays. "Watchtower is officially online." She stares at the camera with calm intensity. "Let's get to work," she says. But first let's wait a week.
week: Doomsday? Maybe? I really thought he'd be around this week, but I was wrong. Don't burn me again week, show.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read about Zatanna's comic roots in our handy guide to the Superheroes (and Villains) of Smallville!
Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered.