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It's Jimmy and Chloe's engagement party (aren't they a little poor to be throwing one of those) and guess who's completely drunk? Lois Lane. She embarrasses herself, and all of television, really by expressing her doubts out loud about the happy couple. Clark intervenes, but it's not anyone who knows them would be surprised by Lois's binge drinking and diarrhea of the vocal chords. The morning, Lois wakes up at Clark's farm. She and Clark discover, upon arriving back in Metropolis, that Chloe and Jimmy have gone missing.
After the party, a guy in an alley shot them both with tranquilizers, tied them up to some car batteries and played Truth or Dare with a lie detector. The costumed questioner asks them about the relationship to determine if they're ready to be married. When this happened to me, we just called it having a Catholic wedding. Anyhoo, the guy has killed other couples who failed the test. His motivation? Someone broke his heart once. Jimmy fails a question about having cheated on Chloe because of last week's kiss with Maxima, but Chloe gets the question right where she says she's not in love with anyone but Jimmy. The Masked Truthinator lets them go, and they're all lovey-dovey about it. Jimmy later confesses to Chloe that he's not what he seems. It turns out his parents aren't coming to the wedding because he never knew his mother and his dad is an alcoholic Oklahoma car mechanic. Jimmy is so ashamed, he lied about it to everyone. That's his deep, dark secret? That's it? Chloe says it's fine. Wow. Drama.
Meanwhile, Lois and Clark investigate. They link the disappearance to that of several other engaged couples. They pose as lovebirds, much to Clark's annoyance. Going through a list of vendors, they come upon a strange guy selling engagement rings. He's our evildoer. After letting Chloe and Jimmy go, he goes after Lois and Clark. He also happens to wear a Kryptonite bracelet, which is how he gets Clark into the lie-detecting contraption. Lois is asked if she loves Clark and she's forced to say she does. Before Clark has to answer the same question, he breaks free and saves the day. Things are awkward between Clark and Lois at work. She blames her answer about loving Clark on her own craftiness. If only. Clark is left to wonder how he actually feels about Lois. It hurts his brain even more than usual thinking does. So, Clark and Lois are supposed to end up together. We get it. Does it have to feel drawn-out and too sudden all at the same time?
Meanwhile, on a whole other soap opera, Oliver asks Tess out to dinner. She agrees, but instead of going out, she forces Ollie to spar with her in the Former Lair of Lex. They work up a sweat and keep that going by totally doing it. The morning, Oliver offers to take Tess to Malibu, but she coldly brushes him off. She brings up the time he cheated on her with a hostess and says he was just scratching an itch she had. Oliver is hurt because he's apparently never seen the movie Boomerang.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We're halfway through a 10-episode, no-rerun stream of episodes and so far, I haven't collapsed into a heap of hurt just yet. Is this how marathoners feel on the 13th mile? "I can do this! I think I'm really gonna make it!" And then three miles later, you're lying on the side of the road, writhing in convulsions. If this episode doesn't bend me over and make me hurl, I think I might make it.
Onward! We open on a not-so-tasty image. A "Congratulations Jimmy & Chloe!" cake has been shoved in our faces. It actually features their heads and upper bodies on it and the chef wasn't kind enough to omit a sweater vest on Jimmy. Good heavens. Their cake visages are surrounded by little orange roses. I bet the producers had this cake and ate it, too. Photos are being snapped as Jimmy cuts the cake. The camera is pulling back and we see a room full of partygoers at The Talon. Jimmy is wearing a tuxedo and Chloe is dressed in a pretty, low-cut formal dress that matches the roses on the cake. I thought the two of them were struggling financially. They suddenly have money to throw a big party? Who owns The Talon these days, by the way? Jimmy apologizes for cutting off Chloe's head with the cake knife. That's nice, but the writers are mostly to blame for cutting out most of her brain. "Who wants cake?" he asks. About 50 extras. The camera pulls further back to reveal Lois drinking herself into a stupid stupor. She's at the open bar downing glasses of champagne. Her boobs are in Escape Pod mode. As Clark walks up beside her, Lois orders another glass of "The bubbly" and a Shirley Temple "for the lady." Ha! Well, not really. It would have been funnier if she'd said, "and a feminine wash for my friend's vagina." But I know Lois is not that crude. Clark fake-smiles and asks if she shouldn't pace herself with the alky-haul. Lois reminds him that she's way more obnoxious when she's sober. True dat, Lois. True dat. Lois says the last thing anyone wants is for her to make a scene at "This blessed event." Yes, let's start the countdown, shall we? Lois, not very slurry at this point, says that Chloe is "Barely legal" (woooo!) and that she's getting hitched to the first guy who's shown any interest in her. "Present company excepted," she says to Clark. Lois says she speaks from the experience of heartache. She says she knows real love and that looking at Jimmy and Chloe (she looks over to them; they look very happy), she's just not seeing it. Clark asks if she's not just jealous that she's getting beaten to the altar. Oh, God, I wish someone would beat Lois at the altar. So deserved. Lois says it's not a competition. "So why are you keeping score?" Clark asks. He thinks she should just show a little support. Devil-eyed, Lois says, "You want support? I'll show you support." Oh shits! Stop her! She's the Terminator of busty binge drinkers! Lois stands up on her stool. She takes a spoon and starts tapping on her champagne glass to call for a toast. Now, she decides to act drunk and slur all her words. They call it acting! Bravo! James Lipton just peed himself a little bit. Lois introduces herself in the most wobbly way possible. She's the cousin and the maid of honor. Chloe grins broadly. Jimmy starts to look concerned. Lois says that when she and Chloe were little girls, they made a promise not to get married until they found their soul mates. You mean when Chloe was a little girl and you were 25? "The one person in the whole wide world we were destined to be with," Lois continues. Wait for it... wait for it... "Which is why you can't take a 10-year-old on their word," she says. Daaayum! BOOM goes the dynamite! Some dude in the crowd yells, "OH!" Exactly, sir. Chloe's smile fades. Jimmy is hurt. Clark grabs her by the waist and pulls her down from her evil perch. Lois spins around. Clark tries to suavely save the day, but with his brain and mouth. We've secretly switched our regular Clark Kent with one who can put a positive spin on things. Will people notice? Let's watch... Clark spins it to say that what Lois meant is that you can't predict when you'll find that special someone. Shit, sometimes it takes 10 seasons! Clark says that without a doubt, Jimmy is that special someone for Chloe. Chloe and Jimmy both looked touched. And not in the bad way that involves your privates. Clark says he's known Chloe since 8th Grade and that in all that time, he's never seen her so happy. Lois rolls her eyes in front of everyone. You are a lousy, shitty human being. Go away. Please. Clark congratulates them. "To Jimmy and Chloe!" he says. Everyone raises their glasses. Jimmy and Chloe kiss. Clark, satisfied, thinks he deserves 50 percent of that kiss. The Jimmy half, maybe?
Out behind The Talon after the party, Chloe and Jimmy are saying goodnight to some guests who are leaving in a cab. They agree to see them in a few months for the wedding. Chloe tells Jimmy, as she holds his arm, that she wishes his parents could have been there to share the celebration. Jimmy says his dad is about to close a big deal in London. Chloe hopes Jimmy had a good time at the party. She asks if Jimmy knows what her favorite part was. He jokes that if it was Lois's toast, he's getting a prenup. Seriously. What the fuck? Can you get legally emancipated from a cousin? Chloe, hugging Jimmy, says that she looked over at Jimmy when Clark was saying his spiel and that Jimmy had a wonderful smile on his face. It wasn't that great. It looked a bit weasely. Chloe says it means a lot to her that Jimmy is all right with the whole Clark situation. Jimmy says that's all history and that the future is the Chloe and Jimmy story. Worst. Spinoff. Ever. Shut it, Jimmy. Big hug. Jimmy looks a bit worried when Chloe can't see his face. Chloe suggests they go upstairs for some much-needed alone time. Jimmy likes that idea. Just then, some headlights turn on, illuminating the two of them. Stark music plays as we see the figure of a person standing between the headlights of a nearby car. The figure, wearing gloves, pulls out a gun and shoots Chloe in the stomach. She goes, "Ooh!" and falls down. Then Jimmy gets shot in the shoulder. The gunfire is not very loud, leading us to think it's not real bullets. Jimmy falls backward. Chloe and Jimmy land side-by-side, on the street. We see the mysterious person's legs walking toward them.
Opening credits. Commercials. Liv Tyler and her sister like the Nintendo DS. Don't rub it in, Nintendo.
Jaunty little music plays as we pan across a woman's pair of high heels. Oh no, they got Zalman King to direct this episode. It's the Super Shoe Diaries. We keep panning and see Lois waking up, her hair all over her face. She's lying on the Kent living room couch. Sunlight is stirring her evil soul. She blinks and pushes her blanket aside. She's wearing a Smallville Crows football jersey with the number "8." Aw, I miss Clark's brief football days. "Smallville!" she yells. "Good afternoon, Lois," Clark says chirpily as he walks into the living room. He's carrying a glass of water into which he plops an Alka Seltzer. He hands it over. Clark is looking pretty smug today. Lois sees her dress from the night before draped over a nearby chair. She glances at it, then back at Clark. "Please tell me we didn't..." Oh, man. Is she serious? She really doesn't know if she might have slept with Clark? Are there any brain cells left in there? We're supposed to admire and root for this alcoholic asshole? Clark goes through several expressions, including curiosity, confusion, comprehension and then sheer terror. He scoffs when he realizes what she's asking. "You're hysterical when you're hungover," he tells her. Clark tosses over her dress. He assures her that she got dressed all by herself. "In the middle of the kitchen, for like an hour," he says. Heh heh. Best line of the episode, by far. Lois doesn't drink much of the hangover cure. She notices a giant bowl and pot to the couch on the coffee table. She guesses she must have taken a ride on "The porcelain highway." Clark says it was a cross-country trip. Clark opens the curtains and the sunlight hurts her head. She's part Gremlin! Lois says Clark didn't have to take care of her. She thinks she would have been fine staying at The Talon. Clark doesn't think Chloe and Jimmy would have enjoyed the Whitesnake sing-along. Oh, that truck ride to the Kent Farm must have been awesome. By which I mean horrible beyond imagination. Lois suddenly remembers she was supposed to go with Chloe for a dress fitting. Clark asks if she needs a ride. As she puts on her high heels, Lois says she doesn't need Clark's help. He reminds her that her car isn't here. She was in no condition to drive. I'm sure she would have tried anyway. Lois takes up Clark's offer on the ride.
Daily Planet. Tess is getting out of an elevator, trailed by an assistant. "What do you mean you can't find the IP address?" Tess asks. The assistant says that the e-mail (from last week?) came from a ghost router that vanished off the grid after the mail was sent. Ghost router? Wasn't that a song by Henry Rollins? I think it went like this:
Ghost Router! E-mail-sendin' HEEEERO!
Ghost Router! E-mail-sendin' HEEEERO!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, he's off of your grid!
Like the Clark, Clark, Clark, he knows what you did, yeah!
Thank you for indulging me on that one. The assistant thinks it proves Lex is still alive? Really? That's what you think, is it? YOU'RE FIRED! Pack up your shit and get OUT! Tess thinks someone is just toying with her. Perhaps that businessman, Kay Bee Toy. He's a fool. Tess tells the girl to find the crystal or find a new line of work. (Stage whisper: I think you should do both!) Tess walks into her office. Oliver is sitting behind the desk, grinning. He says it's funny she has no time to return his calls, but she has time to buy the Star City Towers right out from under him. "Business is business," Tess says. Oliver tells her this is not about business. Could we stop saying the word "Business," please? Unless you plan on making it "Business Time." Oliver gets up from the very-expensive office chair I covet and allows Tess to sit. He tells her revenge isn't her best color. "Don't flatter yourself," she says flatly. Tess says Lex taught her not to live in the past. I thought Lex did nothing but live in the past. Oliver asks if Professor Lex also taught her about deception. "Or how about obsession? I hear his class in murder is an easy A," Oliver says. Oh, Oliver, dude, get better writers. This isn't As The Arrow Flies. Tess tells him that Lex did more for the world than he ever will and that he dedicated his life to making it a safer place. Ollie shakes his head a little and leans in. He says Lex must have been more than a mentor to "Mercy." Tess doesn't answer. In fact she looks off to the left, as if thinking about it, and then tells Oliver he can get out because she's so busy. Oliver starts to leave. He apologizes instead and offers the white flag. Tess, half-smiling, tilts her head and says, "How civil." She asks if he's proposing a truce. He says yes: a truce over dinner. Over some truce juice. I know a bartender named Bruce. When he lived in Canada, he hunted moose. She tells him he hasn't changed a bit. She thinks Oliver always wants what he can't have. A little annoyed, Ollie says a dinner is sometimes just a dinner. Is that what you were thinking when you sent her a sexy dress? She tells him to pick her up at 7. "7:30 it is!" Ollie says. He exits. Tess quite enjoyed that.
The Talon. It's Super Mocha Mondays, according to the marquee outside. Inside, Lois and Clark quietly enter the apartment. Lois is wearing one of Clark's red flannel shirts over her dress from the night before. She announces that she likes to see pants on Chloe and Jimmy when she comes in. They look toward the bed. A Valentine's Day sale threw up all over it. A trail of red rose petals leads to the bed, which is covered in a gauzy lace curtain. There are fluffy red pillows. It's pretty "Ladies Man." "I had no idea Jimmy was so romantic," Clark says, as he looks lovingly at the laid-out spread before him. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lois finds a pair of handcuffs, lined with soft pink bunny material, on a nightstand. "Guess the Olsen's not so wholesome," she sing-songs. Thank you, Ms. Palin. Lois puts her hands in the handcuffs and holds them up for Clark. She thinks it's hilarious. Clark averts his eyes. He notices a stack of mail inside the door, to the mail slot. Lois hits play on the answering machine. "Chloe! It's your cuz!" she hears herself say. Lois is horrified. Lois is telling Chloe that Clark came to her rescue instead of Oliver. "He's just the sweetest boy I've ever met!" she gushes. Lois quickly cuts off the message. She calls it "Alcohol poisoning." A police call is also on the machine. Jimmy and Chloe's car got impounded for blocking a street cleaner. Clark says they must not have come home the night before. "Then where the Hell are they?" Lois asks.
We cut to a dank, dark, watery underground lair. Jimmy and Chloe are tied together, lying on their sides on the ground. Chloe asks where they are. "Dearly beloved," a voice says, "we are gathered here today to find out if these two were truly meant to be." The man turns on the lights. It's your typical serial killer lair. Two dead bodies are sitting on opposite dentist chairs. One is a woman, her hands bound to her chair. The other is a man. Jimmy and Chloe look at the bodies in terror.
Commercials. The Game. Hey, I like games! Which one is it?
Daily Planet. Let me get this straight: in order to investigate the disappearance of Jimmy and Chloe in Smallville, Lois and Clark drove their asses to Metropolis? What kind of stupid shit is that? Clark, bounding down the stairs to the basement, tells Lois that he checked all the hospitals (we don't have to actually go to the hospital to investigate? Yay!) and the airport. No sign of the couple. Lois, wearing an open-boobed hot pink shirt, says they covered a lot of ground. Too bad your blouse doesn't. Lois found out that three other couples have vanished in the last two weeks. Lois gives a shoutout to Oprah for no good reason. Clark thinks all the couples have been abducted. That's a big cage somebody would need. Lois called the police. She says they won't declare them missing for 24 hours, the standard TV show trope for these situations. Clark looks at the newspaper announcements for couples. "What kind of person would prey on people during the happiest time of their lives?" Clark asks. A struggling network that likes to sign on actors in their 20s? Lois thinks she could have stopped it if she hadn't been too drunk. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, you fucking lush. Clark thinks she might have gotten snatched away, too. We should be so lucky. Clark assures Lois that they'll find Jimmy and Chloe. He suggests they cross-reference them with the other couples to look for similarities. Lois has already done it. She found that the couples all visited three of the same vendors: a bakery, a jewelry store and a stationery shop. Clark offers to go to the stationery shop since its right around the corner. Lois won't let Clark go alone. She says she won't put her cousin's life in the hands of a "Mild-mannered copyboy." So. Grating. She's like nipple clamps for your eardrums.
The evildoer's lair. Chloe and Jimmy are clamped down into chairs opposite each other. Chloe has a wired sensor attached to one of her fingers. We see the abductor. He's wearing a generic, greasy happy comedy/tragedy mask. Or something like that. It's so amazingly bland, like the villain himself, that it's not even worth describing. He tells Jimmy and Chloe that the "Art of abduction" is surprisingly hard. It's easier when the two people being taken are together. All right, 10 seconds in and we already know this guy's full of shit. ! Even Chloe's not scared. "We would hate to inconvenience you!" she snarks. Without missing a beat, Masky McMarriage Counselor says it's no problem. In fact, it's his duty. To please that booty? He rolls out an ancient-looking lie-detector machine. "It's fairly harmless and not complicated at all," Masky says. Sounds awesome. He speaks like an instruction manual. As he pulls out two giant jumper cable clamps and walks them over toward Jimmy, Masky says that a lie detector is just a device that listens to your heart. Roxette would have liked it. Jimmy asks if the jumper cables are harmless, too. "No. This is electricity. Electricity hurts," the man says. He attaches the live cables to Jimmy's metal chair. Chloe asks if the guy gets his kicks torturing innocent people. No, that's the show's job. The guy says calmly that he's doing them a favor. He tells them that not everyone is meant to be married. He lectures them about couples who rush headlong into marriage without taking the responsibility it takes to be totally honest. He attaches clamps to Chloe's chair. He grabs Chloe's arm with one hand and holds her hand with the other. He says those who are dedicated have no secrets. Masky turns on the lie detector and the electrical generator. He holds up a controller button and asks "James" a question. He asks if Jimmy has ever cheated on Chloe. Jimmy takes a long time to answer. He finally says, "No." Oops. The lines start moving on the lie detector graph. Trigger time! Chloe is jolted by blue electricity. Jimmy stands up, stretching out his wrist bindings. He yells for the guy to stop. He thought he was going to be the one to get the juice. "Lies don't hurt you!" Masky McMarriage Counselor taunts, "lies hurt the ones you love!" Chloe breathes deeply. Masky pushes Jimmy back down and tells him to be honest. I think I just figured it out. This is a shot-for-shot remake of that Robin Williams movie License To Wed, right? Jimmy explains to Chloe that a crazy woman came up and kissed him and he had "A freakin' heart attack." Chloe knows. She says it wasn't Jimmy's fault. "You're the only girl that I've ever loved," Jimmy tells her. Masky starts cranking up his electrical device as he warns them that Chloe is . He wonders aloud how many lies Chloe is hiding behind. Chloe has an "Oh shit" moment.
We see the sign for the stationery store. It's called "nibs 'n' quills." Ew. Lois is yelling from outside the store that she'll never come back for a "Nib" or a "quill" if it's the last place on Earth to get supplies for an S.O.S. Clark holds Lois back from getting run over by a cab and complains about her shakedown methods. He says the guy they were questioning was 70 years old and had just gotten out of the hospital. He still had his medical bracelet on. Ha. Lois is incompetent. Lois reminds Clark of their dire situation. She asks what he wants to do . He wants Lois to go back to the newsroom. Lois has a better idea: she wants to pose as a couple. "Don't even go there," Clark warns her. Where won't she go? She's practically Carmen Sandiego. Clark doesn't think anyone will believe their story, not even for a second. "Clark Kent," she says, smiling, "will you marry me?" Oh, for fuck's sake. Clark raises an eyebrow. He doesn't look too happy.
Commercials. I haven't played Dead Space yet, but it looks creeeeeepy!
Must we? Honestly? All right, but I don't have to like it. Lois and Clark walk into a bright, nicely lit jewelry store. What, no steel and blue neon? Are you sure this is the right show? Lois asks Clark to smile. He counters that he's got them in short supply and doesn't want to waste one. Oh yes, this is going to be a blessed union, indeed. "Can I help you?" asks the store representative, who has a clean-cut Neil Patrick Harris thing going. He's wearing glasses, too. He's added a pinch of Tim Gunn to the mix. Lois lays it on a bit thick as she pulls a reluctant Clark forward. She says they're finally ring shopping. "Who's the luckiest girl in the world? I am!" she says. Clark says this store was recommended by friends. The jeweler asks if there's a particular piece they'd like to see. Lois goes straight for one of the nearby display cases. She calls Clark "Pumpkin" (as in "Country bumpkin?") and he calls her "Muffin" right back. Mmmmm pumpkin muffin. That sounds good right now. Clark says it must be nice to help so many happy couples. The jeweler says he loves helping solidify the bond between husband and wife. Clark holds up a ring. The jeweler gets all excited, calling it a perfect circle with no beginning and no end. Wouldn't you say that about every ring in the store? Do you sell broken half-rings in the shape of an egg? The jeweler asks Lois to try it on. She enthusiastically holds up her hand. Clark does not rush to put it on. She calls him "Poodle" and tells him that he'll have to do this in front of a packed house sooner than he thinks. Can we save it for syndication? "He has performance anxiety," Lois confides. The jeweler thinks that is awfully funny. Clark jams the ring onto her finger. The jeweler marvels at the perfect fit. Just then Oliver walks into the store. Oops! Lois and Clark shoot each other worried, guilty looks. He asks what they're doing there. Lois asks if Oliver didn't get their invitation yet. "Tell him, cupcake!" Lois insists. This scene is making me hungry, man. Clark tells Oliver, in the slowest way possible, that they're getting married. Oliver is like, "What, what, WHAT?!" He laughs and then starts to believe them. "You're just full of surprises lately, aren't you, Clark?" he says, a little aggressively. "I know, right?" Lois says. She lies that they had one magical night and couldn't deny their feelings any longer. Binge drinking was involved. Oliver shakes his head in disbelief. Is this a Bizarro World episode? Oliver asks if this is true. "I'm afraid so!" Clark responds, the way you tell someone they have ass cancer. Lois leads Clark out of the store, depositing the ring in the jeweler's hand. Notice that she doesn't give the jeweler any personal information like an address or phone number. He has to just search later for random Lois and Clark combinations, I guess. "See you at the wedding!" Lois announces as they leave. Oliver is still flummoxed.
At a bakery. "She has great taste. You're a very lucky man," a baker wearing some sort of judo outfit/apron combination, tells Clark. Lois and Clark walk out, having bypassed what was probably a much tastier scene than the last one. Lois teases Clark, asking what's going to happen in real life since he's this afraid of pretend commitment. Clark again asks if they can split up to cover more ground. He thinks he'll be all right if he gets into trouble. Lois starts to call Clark cocky, but he has already zipped out of the scene, leaving her along to her crazy-lady thoughts. "What, no snarky comeback from the peanut gallery?" she asks. As a matter of fact... you fucking suck. There's my comeback. I would embroider it on a pillow for you if I knew how to do that. Lois sighs when she sees that Clark is gone. Get used to being alone, Lois. Nobody wants to be around you.
Chloe and Jimmy are still strapped into their torture chairs. Chloe asks Masky not to do this. He thinks he's doing them a favor and wishes someone had done this for him and his wife. The talking-through-the-mask thing is getting really annoying. You're not Gammorean Guard, dude. Jimmy asks if Masky hooked his wife up to one of these. "I cherished her, James. I honored her," Masky says. Well, obviously. He says he did everything he promised in his wedding vows, but she lied to him again and again. He says he could smell "Him" on her. Him who? Was it Quagmire? "So you killed her," Chloe whispers. Masky doesn't answer, but says the heart and the mouth are not always on the same page. Unless you cut them off and put them there. It's button time. Jimmy warns Masky to get the Hell away from Chloe. The electricity whines as it cycles up. He asks Chloe if she's ever cheated on Jimmy. "No," she says, emphatically. "Excellent," he responds, then goes right to the question. He asks if Chloe is in love with anyone else. Jimmy, very nervous, tells Chloe not to answer. Masky pushes the button and jolts the Hell out of Jimmy. He screams. Chloe screams, "NOOOO!" Masky winds up the electricity again. He tells Chloe not to take advice from Jimmy. He asks her the question again. Chloe looks worriedly at Jimmy. She finally says, "No." Nothing happens. Jimmy breathes a sigh of relief. Masky is a little disappointed. "Only you, Jimmy, forever," Chloe says. Jimmy chuckles. Masky goes to a table to retrieve his tranquilizer pistol. He congratulates the two of them. "I now pronounce you husband and wife," he says. He shoots.
Stately Tess Mercer Mansion, nighttime. Oliver, dressed down in a nice shirt, unbuttoned enough to show a little chest, has arrived. "Mercy!" he calls out. He says they have dinner reservations at Hobbes Bay in less than an hour. Tess walks into the office carrying two giant Kendo sticks. She's in workout gear with her hair pulled back. She tosses a stick to Oliver and goes on the attack. She says she likes to work up an appetite. They start to lock sticks. She clocks Oliver on the mouth. His lip bleeds. Ow. She says he used to be better at this. He asks what happened to no revenge. She says it's not revenge; it's practice. Oh, just screw already. She says weak men like Oliver make her stronger. Sticks a bangin'. She says she gave Oliver information about his dead parents and he drank himself onto the society page for a month. She doesn't think he takes anything seriously. Like their relationship. He says he cared about her. Tess isn't having it. She reminds him that she caught him with a waitress. "Or was she a hostess?" she asks. She did do the mostest, in bed. Oliver apologizes again. He swings at her feet as she jumps. She kicks him in the chest, pushing him against a wall. She wants an explanation. Oliver pushes the stick aside. She comes at him, very close. "The Hell were you so afraid of?" she asks. Oliver breathes deeply. "You," he says. They kiss. Aw, geez. Save it for Soap Net.
Lois is in a dark alley, fishing out her keys for her car. When they decided to pose as a couple, didn't they think about not leaving Lois vulnerable for the inevitable attack? Worst bait plan ever. Nearby, a car's lights go on, illuminating Lois. She's leaving a message for Clark on her phone. Lois yells at the driver because of their high beams. She finishes her message to Clark and hangs up. "You'll see your fiancé soon enough," Masky says. He shoots Lois in the tummy with his tranquilizer gun. "Son of a bitch," she whispers just before she falls. We zoom to the back of Masky's hearse. He loads Lois into the back. He removes his mask. It's the jeweler. Surprise! Way to take off your mask in the middle of an abduction. Are you hoping someone sees you? He closes the back of the vehicle. God, this episode is awful, isn't it?
Commercials. Kraft Singles. I wonder if, in my lifetime, I've eaten over a thousand of them. I would guess yes. Oh the horrors my digestive system has seen.
Jimmy and Chloe's brothel-designed bed of pre-marital bliss. Chloe wakes up suddenly. The two of them are surrounded by lit candles. What if the two of them didn't wake up from their drugging right away and the place burned down? Boy, Masky sure would have egg on his face then, wouldn't he? You know, on his mask. Face. Egg mask. Moving on... Chloe wakes Jimmy up. He marvels that they're both all right. A little fried, maybe. Jimmy knew they'd make it out. Oh, did he? He didn't seem so confident when he was strapped to a chair peeing himself. Chloe finds the fluffy handcuffs. She asks if this is Masky's idea of a twisted joke. Jimmy admits that those things are all him. He says it was a lot less creepy the day before. Chloe says she doesn't think she'd still be alive if she'd been sitting across from anyone else. Maybe because you were sitting across from your fiancé and you wouldn't have been in that situation otherwise. Just a guess. "Because we're meant to be together," Jimmy says. Oh, gag. You answered a couple of questions right on a lie-detector test. You didn't cure polio. Jimmy says that things like that don't happen to people by accident. Chloe, somehow, agrees with him. Tell that to the millions of victims of random violent crime, asshole. Chloe says it's because Jimmy doesn't have any secrets. How... boring. Jimmy blinks a little before they kiss. He totally breaks the mood by saying they should call the sheriff. Chloe, misty-eyed, nods.
One sheriff call later... police officers are crawling all over The Talon. After a change of clothes, Chloe and Jimmy are giving a statement to an officer. Clark walks in. "I'm glad you two are OK," he says. Wow, he sure doesn't sound relieved. He tells them that he can't find Lois. Clark says he got a voice mail in which Lois mentioned headlights. Jimmy tells Clark that they saw headlights before they were taken. Chloe asks why the guy would want Lois. I think the correct question is "What guy would want Lois?" That way lies insanity. In order to avoid that conversation, Clark says it's a long story. He asks them to tell him anything they might know that could help. Jimmy says the guy was a whack-job. Thanks, Jimmy. Big help. Chloe tries to remember things that the guy said, like how secrets kill and about bonds. "What did he say about your bond?" Clark asks. That it's Bond, James Bond? Chloe blinks rapidly as she describes Masky's take on solidifying the bond between man and wife. Just from that, Clark deduces the identity of our kidnapper. "I know who has Lois," he says. We hear Clark whoosh out of the scene, but over a shot of the scene, which is a little jarring.
The scene is an overhead shot of Metropolis. Clark zips along the street until he arrives in front of Cameo Jewelers. Word up! I wonder if Masky has a codpiece to match his mask. Clark uses his superhearing. He hears Lois inside asking for her cousin.
We cut to Masky's lair. Lois, died down, groggily asks, "Where is she?" Clark bursts through the upstairs doors, blasting them away. He calls for Lois. Clark zips downstairs and starts to remove Lois's bonds. He tells her that Chloe and Jimmy were let go. He asks where Masky went. "Right behind you," he says. Clark is weakened suddenly. Masky strikes him across the face and Clark falls down. Masky is holding a wrench, just like the bad guy in the "Take On Me" video. He also randomly has a Kryptonite bracelet that is glowing. Clark, bloodied, sputters on the floor. He blacks out.
Instead of going to commercial on the blackout, we get Clark's point-of-view as he wakes up. Everything is blurry. Lois, sitting across from him, is calling his name. Lois tells him to wake up. Clark is clamped down. "I know who you are!" Clark calls. Masky removes his mask. Oh, great. What am I going to call him now? Facey? Masky says it's time to begin. Lois asks what's the point. She says now that they've seen his face, he's sure to kill them. "Not necessarily," Masky says. How exactly would he let them go, then? Dude doesn't make any sense. Masky thinks Clark is gallant and must care very much about Lois to come bursting in the way he did. Has he seen the doors upstairs? No suspicions about that? Lois says Clark is stupid that way. Clark tells Masky to let her go. Masky says that Lois will have her turn. Lois asks if it's a game. Masky says it's a test to see how much they've been hiding from one another. "If you pass," he says, "you'll want to invite me to your wedding. If you fail, the guest list will be the least of your worries." The electricity whines as it powers up. Masky asks Lois if she's ever cheated on her fiancé. Lois says, "Of course now." This isn't really a lie, but the needle moves and Clark gets electrocuted. Ow. Lois yells for Masky to stop. She's told that her lies are killing him. Lois tries to take it back. Masky winds up again for Clark's turn. Masky again tries to justify his actions by saying he's saving them both a lot of pain and trouble. Lois says they're not really a couple, so this test doesn't mean anything. Masky ignores that. He asks Lois if underneath it all, she loves this man. Clark tells Lois to answer the question. "Don't outthink it. Just tell the truth," Clark says. Lois stares at him. Masky asks again: "Do you love him?" Clark reminds her to tell the truth. Lois looks down. Masky asks one more time. Lois, whimpering, says quietly, "Yes." The lie-detector doesn't detect a lie. Masky smiles. He goes to Clark and asks the same question. Clark looks away. He has to really think about it. Masky leans in close. Clark grabs his hand, head-butts him, pulls off the bracelet and tosses it away. The bracelet falls through a grate in the ground. Clark eyejaculates two red beams across the room, shooting a pipe that sends steam into the room. Lois didn't notice that maneuver? Under supposed cover of steam, Clark frees himself. Lois hears punching and a body falling. Clark is standing there, victorious. He asks if she's all right. Lois says she's not sure. "Let's get you out of here," he says. And into my sweet farm bed, baby. Clark starts to free her. Lois has never been so unhappy to be free.
Commercials. When a bear shits in the woods... does he use Charmin?
As-Is Foundation. On a laptop, Lois is watching a video of Chloe's engagement party. She sees herself give her horrible, selfish toast. Chloe walks into the room. She says the way Lois looks is the way she felt, too. Lois says she's so, so sorry. Lois knows she's prone to faux pas, but says this is a whole new low. Oh, I'm sure you'll go lower. Chloe says it's a close second behind the time Lois crashed Lana's engagement party. Ha! Good call. Chloe suggests Lois avoids those kinds of parties. Lois says it's not funny. "I ruined your special night!" she says. Chloe says that the party was a rousing success given what happened later. Chloe says Lois was just being honest. She just wishes Lois had been a little less public. Jeez, Chloe. Lois really doesn't deserve to be let off the hook here. She did a very shitty thing. Chloe asks why Lois didn't just tell her how she felt. Lois says that after Clark and Lana broke up and after she and Oliver went south... she became familiar with the feeling of having something close just slip away. She says she didn't want Chloe to feel that kind of heartache. Chloe thinks Lois is wonderful for thinking that. She says she wouldn't have said yes to Jimmy if she wasn't sure it was meant to be. Lois asks how she can be sure. Chloe says she can just feel it in her heart. "Sunset or dungeon, he's my guy." Well. I'm thoroughly disgusted, how about you? Lois says she's jealous. She says Clark was right after all. "He usually is. Get used to it," Chloe says. "Get used to what?" It's Jimmy in the doorway. Lois doesn't answer, but she does give him a little awkward hug as she exits. She congratulates Jimmy for joining the family and hits him hard on the upper arm. Jimmy asks what that was all about. Chloe leads Jimmy to the secret computer room and tells him that after what they've been through, they deserve an extra-long vacation. On the screens are pictures of vacation destinations. Jimmy stops her. He has a secret to reveal. He says that insane as Masky was, he had a point. He doesn't want to keep anything from Chloe. Chloe didn't think they had much to hide. Jimmy says, "I'm not who you think I am." Chloe says that the knot in her stomach tells her this isn't Jimmy embracing his inner Nietzsche. Jimmy says his parents aren't coming to the wedding. Also, they don't exist. He says his dad isn't an investment banker in Manhattan. He's a part-time mechanic and full-time alcoholic in Oklahoma City. Wow. That's a job and a half! Jimmy says he never really met his mom. Chloe asks why he'd keep that a secret. Jimmy says the city is huge, the top of the world. He made up the lies so he could fit in. Chloe asks why Jimmy didn't trust her. He just says he's sorry and that he screwed up. He's fine if she needs a break or wants out. "A guy like me doesn't get a girl like you. Life doesn't work like that," he says. Chloe looks at him softly. "Yeah it does," she says. She kisses Jimmy. Then she holds him tight. Jimmy is very relieved.
Increasingly Tess Mercer Manor. A translucent curtain blows in a breeze in what looks like Lana's old bedroom. Oliver, bare-chested, wakes up in bed. Tess is already up, getting dressed in front of a vanity. "So much for breakfast-in-bed," Ollie says. Tess says she's late for a meeting. She says she still has a business to run. Oliver comes and sits to her, trying to be romantic. He thinks she can find someone to answer her phone while they have dinner in Malibu. "What do you say?" he asks. She asks if she detects a hint of romance. He says he can't stop himself. He presents her with a diamond bracelet. To replace the one from her dead friend? Tess looks touched, but she closes the box. "Save it. In case you want to tip another hostess," she says. She says there was nothing romantic about the night before. "I had an itch. You scratched it." Oliver asks what happened to her as she turns her back to him. "I grew up," she says. She tells him that he left right when things started to get interesting. "You know the way out," she says. She leaves him standing there, hurt. Oliver, you really gotta rent Boomerang. That Robin Givens really gives Eddie Murphy the business. Oh by the way, can we not have anymore of this soap opera shit week? Thank you.
Daily Planet. Lois is walking around like a hyperactive chicken. She goes to her desk, sees Clark's nameplate and dodges so she can go the other way. She heads for the elevators. Coming from the other direction, Clark comes to her. "You're not avoiding me, are you?" he asks. Lois says she's just shopping for wedding gifts for Jimmy and Chloe. Clark is pleased that she's finally on board with that. She says it just took them passing a "Madman's electric-Cosmo Death Quiz." Clark gets into the elevator. Lois doesn't follow. "In or out?" he asks. Lois decides to take the stairs. "Statistically, this is the safer way to travel," Clark says. Oh, groan. Yeah, Superman. We get it. Lois goes into the elevator. It's awkward. She says the jeweler confessed. "Five couples?" Clark asks. Lois brings up the test. But she doesn't say anything. "Who'd have thought you were such a good liar?" Clark tries. He says she beat the machine. Lois says it's a Kaiser-era piece of junk. She says that after the first question, she slipped the sensor off her finger. Clark looks surprised. "Pretty crafty, huh?" she says. Clark can't believe it. She says they make a good team, but not to let it go to that big head of Clark's. Clark scoffs. He says he didn't. "Good," she says. "Great," Clark agrees. The elevator opens. Lois gets out. She says they should be glad she was the one under the gun and not Clark. "Why is that?" he asks. She says Clark is a terrible liar. "Who knows where we'd be if you'd answered that question!" she says. She walks away, leaving Clark to really think about that. The elevator doors close on him. More action, please, time? This episode was boring, man.
week: Doomsday! Finally!
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.