Tess employs one of Lex's old scientists to figure out what's up with that blue crystal. They accidentally set off a beacon and before you can say, "Bat signal," a hot redhead named Maxima from the planet Nissan, er, I mean, Almerac, shows up. She's on a manhunt, literally. She's looking for a good Kryptonian man to mate with. Know any big, dumb Krytponians you could suggest? Maxima kisses some random douchebag on the streets of Metropolis, thinking he summoned her. It does not end well: he dies of endorphin and adrenaline overload.
Clark and Lois investigate the case as a news story (random guy dies of a heart attack? Stop the presses!). Meanwhile, Tess herself gets a visit from Maxima. Due to some crossed signals and a dress Oliver sends Tess, Maxima thinks that Ollie is the Kryptonian she's supposed to meet. She goes to the Ace of Clubs to meet him, but since Oliver isn't in this episode, she finds Jimmy Olsen instead. Jimmy is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment because soon after moving in with Chloe, he found a letter she wrote to Clark way back in Season Two professing her love for him. Jimmy is jealous and can't seem to get over Chloe's old flame. He falls for Maxima's charms and allows her to kiss him, resisting only a bit. Clark gets there in time to save Jimmy and finds out at the hospital that Chloe had even deeper feelings for him than he knew.
Maxima, who saw Clark saving Jimmy, finally finds her man. They make out in an elevator at The Daily Planet, all hot and heavy, until Lois catches them. Clark stops macking on his space booty call and goes after Lois, which Maxima doesn't take well. She tracks down Lois and throws her car. As police bear down on Maxima for a string of murders she committed on the way to finding Clark, she's peeved that Clark must have feelings for Lois. Clark tells Maxima he can't be with her, pulling her arm away. She disappears in a blaze of light, horny and unfulfilled as Clark goes, "Huh, guess she'll be back someday."
Chloe and Jimmy make up. Chloe uses the letter to somehow show that it prepared her to meet the perfect man. The perfect man that was sulking at a bar ready to kiss the first hot girl who showed any interest? Good luck with that, Chloe. Clark and Lois have awkward conversation about knowing when the perfect person comes into your life and it's barf-worthy. Clark thinks he can rebuild the Fortress and bring Jarnelle back. He employs Chloe's help. Tess had tried to convince Chloe to come work for her and unlock the secrets of the crystal with her big brain. Unfortunately, the crystal disappears before Clark and Chloe can get to it. Someone sends Tess an e-mail containing a picture of the crystal. They tell her that she's not ready yet. It's signed, "X."
Welcome back, space buckaroos. This episode's especially painful. Please wear your athletic supporters to avoid injury or to keep from catching any social diseases.We open at the Castle Formerly Known as the Lair of Lex. The Fortress-spawning giant blue crystal has been placed on an oscillating chrome holder with a second wheel spinning above it. You can get one of these at Spencer Gifts for all your Krytonian artifact-spinning needs. In fact, a larger version is used at carnivals; they strap you in and you spin in all directions until you throw up your cotton candy and turkey leg. I think you can also mix paint with it. Anyhoo, Tess Mercer, Head Redhead In Charge, is already treating one of Lex's old scientists with complete disdain. The egghead Dr. Gruel (whose name reminds me of the infinitely more entertaining Dr. Steve Brule) is being grilled by Tess. She thinks Lex was fooled by his science fiction mumbo jumbo bullshit. Gruel, wearing a stuffy tie and glasses, is like, "Bitch, back off. I just found out what your crystal is made of. FACE!" Tess says she spent weeks trying to lure Lex's top scientist out of hiding. Looks like that went well. He doesn't even look too beaten up. Gruel, Mr. Science, steps forward toward the spinning contraption and says it's not of this planet. It's from the planet Shitty Novelty Gifts That Sit In The Closets of ADD-Afflicted 12-Year-Olds. He thinks it's an alien hard drive. Ooh, like this one? "You can't be serious," Tess says. I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. No! Shit! I did that wrong! Can we go back and do the scene again? You have to say "Surely you can't be serious." I can write it down for you if you like. Now... GO. Mr. Science says that he knows it's hard to accept, but an alien object is what the facts support. An alien hard drive? Not a mummy tape deck or a leprechaun iPod? Tess, angry and annoyed and not at all turned on by this guy, says that Lex disappeared in an arctic wasteland. She doesn't think he's lost in space. She warns Mr. Science to stick to his namesake, not the Eastern European derivation, Science-Fiction. She wants Lex found, dammit. Mr. Science, undaunted, says the crystal reacts to sonic vibrations. It also has a Clapper in case you want to turn off surrounding electrical items. Mr. Science wants to play a frequency generator. You know, just for fun. It drives the ladies wild. Tess cannot stop emasculating the dude. She says that for his sake, she hopes it works. Now get to work, little man. Mr. Science pushes a key on his laptop. The crystal starts spinning faster. Oh shits, you're voiding the warranty! There's a burst of energy from the crystal and then it shoots a bright blue beam of light toward the ceiling. Oh, YES! YES! This is the best crystal sex ever! Raisin' loads! We see an exterior shot of the mansion. The blue light has torn through the roof and reaches all the way to space. The crystal stops spinning and the light goes out. It's spent. Got a cigarette? Tess watches the crystal contraption slow down. "What just happened?" she asked. You just watched crystal porn. You're welcome. Mr. Science has no idea. What did he think was going to happen when he messed with a space hard drive? Did he think a sexy alien was going to pop out for his birthday?
A Metropolis street at night. We're zoomed in very close on a neon sign for "Adamson Prescriptions." We pan a bit to reveal a few storefronts. A yuppie douchebag is walking down the street, talking into his Bluetooth earpiece. He's telling someone that they knew the stock was crap, but that it's pump-and-dump time. YOU screwed up this economy! He tells the lackey on the phone to hype it, sell it, and make him a profit. Not to spoil it, but if this guy had lived through the scene, he would have gotten a massive government bailout. Just as the douchebag starts losing his earpiece signal, the lights around him start to flicker, including the neon sign. Something like lightning flashes in a nearby alley, the same alley where we recently saw Davis sleeping. Yuppie Douchebag goes to investigate. We see in the alley some purple lightning which settles into a weird symbol on the pavement. From that symbol appears the blazing silhouette of a woman. Douchebag walks toward it and likes what he sees. He takes off his earpiece, even. It must be love. Suddenly, we see the woman standing there. She's got red hair, dark eye makeup and itty-bitty black leather shorts. Her top is a collection of leather lines strung together. She's also wearing heels, of course. Her whole outfit makes it look like her torso is Darth Vader's helmet. It really is pretty ridiculous and insulting, but then, do I need to remind you which show we're watching? The camera zooms in on her upper body. The leather outfit extends to a tight V wrapped around he neck. "I came when I saw your Kryptonian beacon," she says flatly. That must be one skilled Kryptonian beacon. HEY-OOOHHHH! She doesn't sound like she's from space. Hell, she doesn't even sound like she's ever been outside of Vancouver. Douchebag is like, "Yeah. Whatever you say." He is so in there! Nothing every goes wrong for these city douchebags! They both walk toward each other. "I'm Maxima. Queen of Almarac," she says. Isn't Scion gonna be pissed that they have a character named after a Nissan car? (I know, I know, comic book geeks. Please save the e-mails.) Douchebag is thinking, "Queen of Almarac? Well, I'm the Duke of Gimme Me a Blowjob, OHHH!" Maxima says she's been searching for him. "Well, here I am, baby," he says, all oily. They kiss. Ugh. Lots of open mouth. Did somebody order the tongue sandwich? I guess when you're a guest star on a CW show that you probably won't ever appear on again, you really throw your whole face into it. The kiss lasts an uncomfortably long time. We even switch angles in the middle of it and switch back. Douchebag takes a deep breath. He liked that. "What a rush," he says, "what'd you give me?" A herpes sore? She says it's a taste of things to come. They kiss some more. Suddenly, Douchebag starts to sputter. His nose is bleeding. Things are not going well on this blind date. He falls to his knees. "You lied to me!" Maxima tells him, "you're not Kryptonian!" Well, he didn't technically say he was. That's on you, Max. He asks what's happening. Maxima tells him he's dying because he's not the one she came for. He falls to his side. "But I will find him," she promises. And he will be wearing a blue Member's Only jacket, hopefully. Dramatic music. It's only going to get worse.
Opening credits. Commercials. Kohl's is having a big sale! Oh, happy day!
Kent Farm, daytime. The cows are amazed they're still here. Weren't you supposed to sell the farm, Clark? We all thought we'd be living in lush cow penthouses by now. Are you even watering our grass anymore? Cow life sucks. Clark, wearing an untucked dark shirt and dress slacks, heads down the stairs. I guess he hasn't moved to an apartment in Metropolis. Was his whole speech about leaving the past behind just a bunch of the usual whiny Clark bullshit? Clark hears a scratching at the door. He opens it and there sits Shelby. He's been waiting to be let into the house for six months. "Ready for some breakfast, boy?" Clark asks. Dude. Six months I've been waiting. Get with the Alpo, already. Woof, motherfucker, WOOF! As he reaches for a can of dog food from the pantry (no dry food for this pooch), Clark says he still can't get used to living alone with the dog. Shelby whines. That's nice, Clark. FOOD. Open the fucking can. Clark reaches for an old-timey hand-crank can opener, but finds something else inside the kitchen drawer. It's a small box. Clark puts the can of dog food on the table. Uh, Clark? I haven't eaten since April. Could you please open the can and drop it down here? You know what, don't even open the can, just drop it and I'll gnaw it open with my teeth. Starving, man. Please put down the box. It's not going anywhere. Clark opens the box. Lana's necklace is in it. It is still faded to white from its Krypto-green state. Clark holds it up. JEWELRY? You have got to be kidding me. My doggie intestines are about to implode, and you're messing with a necklace? If I see Lana again I'm going to bite off her goddamned nose. ALPO! Come on, man! Shelby stares hungrily. Clark stares sadly at the big clunky costume jewel. The phone rings. FUCK! Hunger! Starvation! A dog has to eat! I'm calling the ASPCA on your ass! Clark answers his cell. It's Lois. At The Planet, Lois, wearing the tightest salmon-colored top you've ever seen, is walking down the stairs as she talks. She says she needs Clark and that already it's the day from Hell. It probably is if she needs Clark. Clark tells her he's flying into the building right now. He zips out of the kitchen at superspeed. Oh, HELLS no! You did not leave me here hungry, you dipshit alien! WOOF! WOOOOOOF! Shelby stares at the can of dog food. Is there a way to suffocate a super-strong alien in his sleep? I am not your dog, Clark. I'm running away to join the dog circus, asshole. Suddenly, Clark zips back into the scene. He puts down the bowl of dog food, already relieved of its can. Clark! You're awesome! I love you! You're the best! No hard feelings! Woof, Clark, woof! I'm your best friend forever! Shelby eats hungrily. Clark zips back out.
Daily Planet newsroom. Lois, still on the phone, says she thought Clark was coming in for a landing. She asks if he hit some turbulence. All right. We get it. Superman. Right. Jeez. Clark whooshes in behind Lois. He adjusts his dark tie. Dark tie on a dark shirt and suit coat? What are you, Johnny Cash? Clark says that according to the clock, he's two minutes early. Two minutes is long enough to change that tie, dude. Lois tells Clark she needs him to take over some of her work. She's had two quarts of java, she says (wow.) and still isn't firing on all eight cylinders. She used to have four cylinders, but she had them surgically enhanced. She says she didn't get any sleep the night before because Jimmy moved into their apartment to save wedding money and he snores like a freight train. Three people in that small apartment; that seems pretty cramped. Lois's voice takes up a whole room by itself. Lois says she's jealous of Clark and his big, empty farmhouse. She pines for all those empty rooms. Clark is wistful and says it is awfully quiet. He doesn't offer to let her move in. Lois scoffs, annoyed by the non-offer. She says Clark is as predictable as mullets at NASCAR. Lois interprets Clark's reaction as the "Missing Lana Blues." It's also the "Neglect Your Dog Polka." Lois walks toward us carrying a coffee cup, her tightly shirted boobs bouncing to and fro, ready to poke someone's eye out. Glad I'm not watching in HD. Lois goes on the attack. She tells Clark that Lana is gone for good (eh, not really) and that he needs to get back in the saddle. She calls him "Buckaroo." Lois says he needs to go outside his wheelhouse. In all earnestness, Clark says, "I didn't know I had a wheelhouse." It's pretty cute. Lois describes Clark's type as "Pretty, friendly, damsel-in-distressy." She throws some more metaphors into the figurative fire, suggesting Clark try more of the 31 flavors. Less sweet vanilla, more wild cherry. Thank you, Professor Baskin. Clark begs her to get back to the topic of work. Lois hands Clark a file. She says a baby-faced broker died of "Ticker trouble." Clark asks how a healthy 25-year-old dies of a heart attack. It happens all the time in sports. Why not on the stressful stock market? Lois says she doesn't have time to hand-hold (thanks!) but that the guy's adrenaline and endorphin levels were sky-high. Lois asks if Clark knows what endorphins are. She says they're hormones that are released when the body performs a certain activity. Farmwork? Recapping? No, wait, what's the opposite of endorphins? My body is releasing those right now. "Like when you play a sport," Clark guesses. Lois says it also happens with an activity that two people share. She puts a straw on the left side of her mouth and bites on it as she sways from side to side. Lois. What the fuck? "Repetitive motion. Builds to a climax," she says. Repetitive, builds to a climax... a season of Smallville? Lois gives Clark a stupid smile. Clark thanks her. He's a bit annoyed. He goes back to checking out the report. It says the victim was fully clothed. Lois must have missed that. Clark reads that the hormone levels were higher than a human body could produce. Lois grabs the report roughly. This scene had repetitive motion, but it did not build to a climax. And it wasn't much in the wild cherry department, for that matter.
The Talon, daytime. As Chloe is going through stuff in boxes, Jimmy arrives, carrying an acoustic guitar and an ugly little lamp. Chloe is holding a VHS tape in her hand and jokes that unpacking your fiancé should be a required course for marriage. Chloe says she had no idea Jimmy liked recording bass fishing shows and enjoys Pablo Neruda love poems. D'oh! Busted. I had a book of Pablo Neruda love poems. It's the poor-man's way of sealing the deal when you're in your early-20s and single. I suggest "Love Sonnet XI." Chloe is also dubious about Jimmy owning every CD ever made by ABBA. Also not gay. Jimmy and I have more in common than I thought. Jimmy says he's complicated. Speaking of which, please try not to scratch the Avril Lavigne CDs. Chloe had no idea there were so many sides to Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy, wearing his dorky retro brown bowling shirt, asks if it's a problem. They kiss. Chloe suggests Jimmy keep his ABBA away from Whitesnake-loving Lois. Jimmy says he and Lois are still on the outs since he didn't reveal to her Lex's arctic antics. Chloe agrees that Lois holds a grudge, but says it'll all be over in a few weeks. Jimmy goes to a small bookshelf to put away some of his comics and magazines. As he moves a book aside, a small piece of pink paper falls out. It's all that's left of Lana! No, actually, it's a love note. Jimmy reads it. It's the note Chloe read to Clark in "Fever." The one about not being who he thinks she is and being the girl of his dreams masquerading as the girl door. Uh oh. It's type-written and a bit crumpled up. I admit I typed love notes back in the day. When did we ever think that was romantic? Chloe comes back into the room and sees what Jimmy found. She gulps and says they skated over the conversation about boundaries. Er, not Jimmy's fault. Why invite him to move in and then leave that where he could find it? Jimmy looks at Chloe sadly. He says he stumbled into the razor wire surrounding the Clark issue. Jimmy says he knew Clark was her first love, but didn't know she felt like that about him. What part of "First love" does he not get? Chloe says it's ancient history and that she wrote that note when she was 15. So she was 14 in the first season? That doesn't sound right. Chloe says that Clark is her best friend and that's all. Jimmy reads the last line of the note out loud. Jimmy says this is his biggest nightmare. Chloe, not gently, says it was a schoolgirl crush and that Jimmy's constant insecurity about it is wearing thin. Ouch. Jimmy says something always comes up when he tries to leave it in the past. Chloe doesn't know what else she can do. Jimmy says she can ask herself why she never said these things to him. Because it's a totally different situation and she's not 15 anymore? Maybe? Jimmy hands her the note. He walks out.
Stately Former Luthor Manor. Tess and her comely blonde assistant walk into Lex's office. A package arrived for Tess in a big pink box with a black bow. Tess opens it right up the way gifts always open on TV shows. No muss, no fuss. Inside is a fancy olive-green dress. "Meet me at the Ace of Clubs," the assistant reads from a card. Tess says that Oliver hasn't lost his flair for the dramatic. "You'll have him eating out of your hand," the assistant says, clearly jealous. Tess is troubled by that. She wants the assistant to thank Oliver for the dress, but doesn't plan to go to the club. Blondey walks out. Tess smiles to herself and holds up the dress. When she brings it back down, Slutty Alien is up in the library, watching her. She's staring at Tess, dead-eyed. Tess calls her "Fashion-forward," but informs her that she's crashed the wrong disco. She tells her to get out. Tess reaches for a security button on the desk, but Slutty Alien has already zipped in front of her and pulled the remote control away. She asks for the owner of the crystal. Tess pretends not to know what she's talking about. Tess offers to help if the girl tells her about the owner. "He's Kryptonian and my perfect mate," she says. Well, I don't know about perfect... Slutty says she thought she'd find more of them here, but every man she's met has been human. Bummer. Tess offers to help find the guy. Slutty's not having that. She zips forward and grabs Tess by the neck. She knows the beacon came from this location. She thinks the man who sent Tess the dress must be the Kryptonian. Slutty is very jealous. She thinks Tess is keeping the man for herself. She throws Tess across the floor. Tess slides, hits a stand that was against the hallway and has a vase fall on her. It also breaks. Slutty, satisfied, zips out. Tess is unconscious.
Commercials. A cat drinking Red Bull is too scary for me to even contemplate.
Metropolis from overhead. Clark and Lois are reporting, which for them involves going out on the street and talking to one police officer. Clark asks Lois why she suddenly has time to work on this article. She thinks it went from a back-page story to something more because of the super-endorphin angle. Lois says Clark just learned to dog paddle and she's helping him in the deep end with a floaty. Please. God. Stop her. Stop her mouth. Clark asks what the officer said. They found evidence of a fire in the alley, but think it's unrelated. So why bring it up? Lois thinks the burn marks on the ground are from some homeless people having "A hoedown" and that they can question them to see if anybody saw the crime. Clark uses his X-ray vision and sees a weird symbol right in the middle of the scorch mark. Lois returns from talking to another officer. They told her they had a string of male deaths from Metropolis to Smallville, all with the hormone surge. Clark does his best to try to look concerned.
That night. Ace of Clubs. Slutty Alien shows up wearing Oliver's green dress. She holds in her hand the small red note that he sent to Tess. She tosses it aside. It seems like everyone at the bar is making out or dancing with someone else of the opposite sex. Jimmy is sitting at the bar, alone. He's watching a couple make out to him and complains that the guy makes it look so easy. The bartender sympathizes. He says that Jimmy has to embrace a little survival of the fittest. Whatever that means. "Make her realize she's not the only fox in the forest," the bartender advises. Thanks, man. Could you just pour the damn drink? Jimmy, who has no common sense, says, "You are so right!" Jimmy suddenly has supreme knowledge over women. There's a tap at his right shoulder. Jimmy turns. Maxima is smiling at him. "I see you're the only one who's alone," she says. That doesn't mean Kryptonian on this planet. It just means he's a giant loser. She thinks he's the man she's been looking for. So what does Jimmy do? Let's start by suggesting things Jimmy should do: 1. Say, "No, ma'am, you must be mistaken." 2. Excuse himself and leave the club entirely. 3. Offer to introduce her to his single friend, Clark. Instead, Jimmy just smiles goofily. Stupid, stupid, Jimmy. It's hard to sympathize with you when you just go with the flow and let bad shit happen to you.
Talon. Chloe sits at her computer, looking sad. She's wearing her giant, clunky engagement ring. The fireplace is going. She's looking at a photo slideshow of herself with Jimmy. Nice sweater vest, Olsen. Clark comes in without knocking. Chloe is glad to see him. She says that now that Lois is riding shotgun on Clark's Mystery Machine, she's desperate for a Scooby Clue. Let's just let this one pass. I don't have the energy to dissect that chunk of junk. She wants to see the concrete crop circle. Clark says it's not Kryptonian. Chloe instantly identifies it as a "Hypogeous Marker." It looks like the symbol for "Decorative scorpion-shaped curtain rod end." She says it's the royal crest of the queen of Almerac. Clark is annoyed that Chloe possesses interstellar knowledge. He blames it on her mind meld with Brainiac. Chloe asks if there were fresh burn marks in the area. It means she teleported in recently. Chloe says they use a Ucrillian Bracelet to compress space and time. They have them at Nordstrom. Clark tells Chloe about the adrenaline and endorphins. Chloe figures out that the queen is looking for a mate. Chloe says she must be killing men with her kiss. She goes on to say that Slutty Alien has won the battle of the sexes on her own planet and is looking for a new challenge. The man who survives her kiss gets to live happily ever after with her. Chloe goes to her laptop to search for a pattern to the killings. Clark brings up Chloe's "Condition" again. He thinks it's getting worse. Chloe says it scares her, but Clark can't wave his "Kryptonian wand" (dirty!) around and fix it. She says it's just the way things are. She asks Clark to just let it go. Chloe looks at a bunch of quickly flashing screens and then arrives at a police wire site. They put their private business on the Web immediately? Chloe says they just found a body outside Ace of Clubs. It was a German businessman. Chloe tells Clark he has to go help.
Metropolis, again. Ace of Clubs. Slutty Alien and Jimmy are taking a break from dancing. Jimmy is impressed with her moves and says some of them could get you arrested. She promises to show him even more awesome moves. Involving his penis. Jimmy takes a dumb breath. She leans in for a kiss, but Jimmy, to his credit, doesn't take the bait. He pulls back at the very last moment. He says she's really, really pretty. And hot. Don't forget hot. Jimmy says that he wasn't honest before. He tells her he's in love with another woman. Slutty Alien says she wants just one kiss and she'll prove she was made for him. Jimmy just lets his mouth hang open. She rushes in with a kiss. Another incredibly tight close-up of Slutty's tongue rolling around someone else's lips. Jimmy takes a step back. He likey! They kiss some more. Jimmy's nose starts to bleed. Slutty looks disappointed as if Jimmy... you know... went off a little too quickly. Not that I've ever seen that look before. I mean, not recently! Not this week. Not today, at least. Jimmy starts to gasp. He asks for help. She says she's really sorry. You know, for the whole killing you thing. She says Jimmy was really sweet. Dead, but nice. She hoped he was the one. Really? I mean, really, you did? Clark emerges from an elevator, at normal speed. He sees a bunch of couples making out. Dangerous music is playing. Clark sees Jimmy clutching his chest on the balcony and falling backward. Clark superspeeds over there. As he runs, Slutty Alien notices him passing behind her. Clark grabs Jimmy, breaking his fall. Jimmy is in Clark's arms and Clark has taken his breath away. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark asks what's wrong. "It's my heart," Jimmy says. He goes under. Clark superzips him out of there. Slutty watches Clark, lustily. "Now that's more like it," she says, biting her lip.
Commercials. I can't believe that in this global Internet culture, the KFC recipe is still a secret. Salt, maybe? Some random spices? Flour? You got me, Colonel.
We come back to a shot of the stars and the moon. The camera pulls down to show The Talon at night. Inside, Chloe is walking down the stairs as she checks her cell phone. She's interrupted by Tess, who was waiting for her. Tess apologizes for the "Cloak and dagger," and says she didn't have time to schedule a meeting. Chloe knows who Tess is and doesn't want to talk to anyone associated with Lex Luthor. Tess says Chloe is too fair to fault her for Lex's mistakes. Chloe smiles and scoffs. Tess asks for help. She wants Chloe to hack into a computer. Chloe tells Tess that Lex dropped the dime on her and that she was put away. "It wasn't pretty," Chloe assures her. Tess says it wouldn't be illegal. She wants Chloe to hack into a very unique supercomputer. Chloe says her plate is full. Tess knows about Chloe's wedding planning and the Isis Foundation. She says she has access to all of Lex's records, including lots of research on Chloe. Tess asks her to reconsider. Chloe thinks that Tess learned well from Lex how to threaten when she doesn't get her way. Chloe, smiling, says it's not her first tour of duty on the Luthor battlefield. She says that Tess will have to come at her with more firepower than that. Tess watches her go with something like admiration.
Hospital bed, Metropolis General. Jimmy is the patient. Clark is standing there, arms crossed, waiting for the jerk to wake up. He finally does. Jimmy says his chest feels like it was run over by a truck and he was dragged behind it. Clark says he'll be fine, but he needs to know what happened at the club. Jimmy says it must have been all those tequila shots. "I know that you were with a woman," Clark says. If it had been a man, would that make you sound less accusatory? Jimmy bravely says it wasn't his fault. Except for the drinking. Jimmy says it started with the letter from Chloe. Jimmy says it made him realize a person never really gets over their first true love. Clark's eyes move around as he fantasizes about boring, lame Lana. Jimmy asks if it's ever the same when you have to start over with someone new. Clark has no idea what they're talking about. He just says they have to move on. Clark tells Jimmy that Chloe must have moved on to be with him and that they're lucky to have each other. Tell that to Jimmy's chest. Jimmy tells "C.K." that he kissed another woman. Clark absolves him by saying Jimmy didn't know what he was doing. But he wants to find the woman so she won't hurt anyone else. Jimmy doesn't remember much. Chloe suddenly comes in, asking what happened and hugging her man. Jimmy looks to Clark for help. Clark explains that Jimmy was at the club and that things got messy. With his tongue, you mean? Clark says rigidly that it's just important that they're both together now. Chloe hugs Jimmy again. Jimmy looks guilty as Hell. Clark leaves the room, looking both lonely and annoyed as he goes.
Daily Planet. Clark is watching security camera footage from the Ace of Clubs. The show doesn't explain how he got it. It just assumes he's the greatest reporter who ever lived. Clark is able to zoom in on the ultra-high-resolution security footage to find a clear image of Slutty Alien. Clark keeps clicking his mouse, trying to get a clear shot of the girl's face. Just then, the lights flicker. Why is Clark completely alone in the newsroom? Everything is suddenly dark. Clark gets up from his desk and looks around. We hear a familiar whoosh. It's Slutty Alien. "Clark Kent," she says. She's standing there in Oliver's dress. "That's a strong name," she says, "I like it." Yeah, but you also liked Jimmy Olsen, so your taste is questionable. "Who are you?" Clark asks. She whooshes and ends up behind Clark. "I'm Maxima," she says. But you can call me Ima. She says she's searched a long time for Clark. Before he can argue, she quickly kisses him. Clark, surprised, quickly adjusts. They start making out on the desk. Clark pushes her away slightly, but he's got a big grin on his face. I think our boy is finally growing up. He clears off a nearby desk and mounts her. Lots more kissing. "Not here," she says. You're in an abandoned newsroom with all the lights off and suddenly you're modest? We cut to a shot of Slutty Alien pushing Clark into one of the building's elevators. She tears open Clark's shirt and rubs his hairless torso. Kisses. Clark pulls up her leg by the thigh. Spinning. Kissing. Clark pushes her wrists against the wall and we see her Wonder Bracelet. He kisses her neck. She wraps an ankle around Clark's leg and continues taking off his shirt. They keep pushing each other against the wall. Wouldn't their combined strength take out the elevator, at least? The elevator stops and the doors open. Lois Lane is standing there. Her eyes blink rapidly. "Smallville!" she says. Clark squints at her. "Lois?" he asks. Maxima notices the look between Clark and Lois and doesn't like it one bit. Lois, in a huff, says she'll take the stairs. Clark keeps looking after her. Slutty Alien pulls Clark's face toward her and tells him to let Lois go. She tries to kiss him again, but Clark pulls his head back. He follows Lois. He calls after her until she finally stops. "What?" she says. Clark is standing there with his shirt open. Very amusing. Lois apologizes for raining on Clark's orgy. Clark turns. Slutty Alien is gone. Lois thinks she went to find a motel room. "You don't understand!" Clark says. Lois, angrily, says Clark was pulling a 9 ½ Weeks in the elevator and that it's a start for getting into the Mile High Club. Clark tells her to calm down. "I am calm! I am PERFECTLY CALM!" she yells. She tells Clark to dial down the ego and that she doesn't care about his love life. Oh, show. Clark watches her go. He's sad. But not too sad to go looking for Slutty Alien.
Outside, Lois is getting into her car. She's mumbling to herself about Clark sucking face with somebody. "Sluttyanna wasn't even his type," she says. Lois turns on her car lights. Slutty Alien is standing there, illuminated. She looks like a vampire. She stalks Lois. She lifts the car and tosses it a block away. It lands upside down on two other cars. That'll learn her!
Commercials. One of the best new iPod Touch games is "I'll Be Obsolete In a Year." You should play it!
Lois, in her upside-down car, kicks until the driver's side window breaks. She tries to get out. Maxima, standing there waiting for her, says she couldn't kill Lois in front of Clark, but she's happy to do it now. Lois, darting her eyes a bit to cover the lie, says she doesn't know what's up with this crazy bitch, but that there's nothing romantic between Lois and Clark. Tell another one, Lois. I think this whole season is going to be just about that. Even Slutty Alien, from a galaxy far away and with no knowledge of the idiocy at play here, sees their supposed connection. Lois says her radar (not big, dumb alien gaydar?) is on the fritz. Lois says they're barely friends, which is a bit uncharitable. Maxima says that Clark would never have been able to pull away if he wasn't attracted to Lois. Lois says that Clark is as attracted to her as a Red Sox fan is to the Yankees. That's... baseball, right? Maxima avoids asking about these teams and says that Clark may not know it yet, but there's definitely a bond. A really crappy one that nobody's really looking forward to. She says she saw it on Lois's face too. "You feel it too," she says. Just kill her! Quit monologuing! Lois has no response. Maxima says she finally found the man she's been looking for all her life. "And you can't have him!" she says. Go on, girlfriend! Lay the smack down! Maxima is about to let loose with the superpowers when somebody yells "Freeze!" Several guns are cocked and aimed at the back of her red head. We see little red laser sights. Two of them look like red eyes on a hairy face. A masked SWAT team is trained on her. She doesn't seem very scared.
As-Is Foundation. Clark walks in holding a photo of Maxima's face. He's talking to Chloe on the phone asking her to walk him through some face-recognition software. Tess is standing in the office, waiting. Clark says he'll call Chloe back later. Tess says it's amazing that their paths keep crossing. Not really. You showed up here. "That is strange," Clark says neutrally. I think he sort of likes her. He says it's strange she's in a locked office with no key. Tess wonders allowed why Clark has 24-hour access to a clinic for the meteor-infected. Clark says his friend works here and she's helping with an article. Tess notices the giant photo of Maxima's face. She asks if Clark is writing about her. Tess says they had a close encounter in the afternoon. She wants some details. Clark says she's wanted for murder. Tess says that's a big story for a copyboy. I know! Why aren't there other reporters covering this? And when's deadline? It must be 3 a.m. by now. Clark says that up to now, Slutty Alien has only attacked men. She wonders why she'd go after Tess. Bisexual? Tess avoids Clark's gaze. She says the woman is looking for the owner of something. She produces the giant blue crystal. She's just carrying it around in her coat? Tess says she was hoping Chloe could use her skills to learn about it. Tess says the crystal was the only thing found at the spot where Lex disappeared. Tess asks if Clark ever saw Lex with the crystal or if he knows what it is. Clark says he hasn't and that he's never seen the object before. It's not very convincing. Tess's phone rings. Clark uses his superhearing to eavesdrop even though it's only two feet away. One of Tess's men is telling her that the target has been acquired. They say the woman flipped a car. Suddenly, there's gunfire. The line goes dead. Clark superzips out. Tess looks around. That wasn't a very smart move, Clark. Why am I not surprised?
Out on the streets. A SWAT team member lands on the pavement with a thud. Maxima is walking past a flaming sedan. Lois finally steps out of her wrecked car, having somehow managed to pry the door open. "Bring it, bitch!" she says. Maxima is about to take a swing at Lois (huh?), but a red streak enters the scene. Maxima has disappeared. We go to another alley where Clark has pushed her against a wall. "Finally!" she giggles, "a man with some fight in him!" She says none of the men on her planet have the stamina to keep up. She's a superfreak! Superfreak! She's superfreaky! Yow. Clark tells her she shouldn't come on so strong. Clark's views on feminism are a little complicated. Maxima says that Clark didn't seem to mind since he came back for more. Clark says he came back to stop her from killing Lois. Maxima says she couldn't let Lois have him. She says they're soul mates. Clark barks that she doesn't even know him. She goes soft, telling Clark that when she was little she heard the stories of the brave, gallant men from Krypton. That those dudes are worthy of standing by a queen's side. She says that when their planet was destroyed, she prayed for survivors. With tears in her eyes, she says she saw Clark's beacon. Clark thinks about that for a second, then says that the beacon didn't come from him. He starts to walk off, but feels some sympathy. Maxima says it doesn't matter. She found the last son of Krypton and he's everything she wished for. Those must have been modest wishes. She takes each of Clark's hands and puts them on her hips. She tells him that they're equals and that when they kissed, she felt his passion stronger than she has from any other man. Clark gulps. She also sensed that Clark was as desperate as her. Living with a starving dog for six months will do that to a man. "You want me as much as I want you," she says. Clark looks hurt and confused. "I don't want you," he tries. She puts her hands on his shoulders. She says she knows Clark is lonely and can't find a soul mate. She promises that if Clark comes back with her, he'll never be alone. Tempting! She calls it their destiny. Clark says his destiny is here and she's not apart of it. He pushes her hands away and pulls at her bracelet. She whines and is pulled back into a purple portal. She tries to hold on to Clark, but the suck (much like this episode) is much too great. They try to hang on to each other for one more moment. Close-up of the bracelet still on her wrist. She is pulled away and disappears. Clark stands there, shaken. And with a hard-on the size of Granville.
Commercials. Stride Gum. The flavor lasts all season.
As-Is Foundation. Chloe is putting a purple folder in a filing cabinet as Clark walks in. She says she's bringing Jimmy home in a few hours. His heart and hormones are back to normal. Clark realizes Chloe knows about the kiss between Jimmy and Slutty Alien. Chloe says she's not thrilled he "Macked on an alien goddess," but that she knows the girl knows how to work a man. Clark says that speaking from experience, Jimmy didn't stand a chance. Thanks? Clark says Jimmy was pretty vulnerable. He asks about a letter Jimmy mentioned. Chloe says, as she walks across the room, that the letter was one she read Clark when he was sick their sophomore year. She says it was the only time she had the guts to say how she felt. She produces the pink card for Clark. He reads it. "I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me." I think she knows what it says without you having to read it back out loud, dude. Chloe says that Clark did respond with one word: "Lana." Clark says he always sort of knew. Chloe stops him, saying it was a long time ago. She says she doesn't feel that way now and just wanted Clark to read it so she could close that chapter of her life and move on. That was a long-ass chapter. Chloe says she doesn't regret having those feelings because it prepared her to meet the guy she was meant to be with. Huh. This doesn't sound right. She says that person is Jimmy. "So you blew it, bud," she jokes. Clark says he just wants Chloe to be happy. She says that what she shares with Clark she'll never have with anyone else. She calls Clark her "BFF." Chloe says that because of that, she was hoping Clark could give her away at the altar to Jimmy. Wow, what does Jimmy think of that? Or your father, Gabe? Did he die or something? Clark smiles. "Absolutely," he says. They hug. Clark says he'd be honored. He also has an early gift for her. He thinks that since Jarnelle created Braniac, he might be able to cure Chloe from her Big Brain Syndrome. Chloe says she thought his dad and the Fortress disappeared. Clark says that Jarnelle is just a complex computer program inside a crystal. He says it's the same crystal that produced the Fortress. And now Tess has that crystal. Chloe figures out that it's the computer Tess wants her to hack into. Clark says he can recreate the Fortress and Jarnelle if he can get it back. He says he's searched the newspaper and the mansion, but he can't find it. Did you check Tess's pockets? Chloe suggests this time they use a little less brawn and a little more brain. On this show? Are you sure?
Former Lair of Lex. Tess, wearing a very hot sports top, is training for kickboxing. She punches and kicks at her trainer. They both speak Japanese. Girl is fierce! Chloe walks in. Tess asks Chloe if she kickboxes. She says it focuses your anger. Chloe says she has a lot of it building up. Chloe is mad that Tess broke into her office. Tess says the door was open. Chloe threatens to press charges time. Chloe says that while she's here, she wouldn't mind taking a look at the supercomputer. Tess says the hacker-bird missed the worm. Tess says she no longer has the crystal. She says it was stolen. Whups. Chloe asks who else would want it. Tess tells Chloe to wait by her phone. She intends to get it back. Tess starts punching again. Homegirl is fierce.
Kent Farm. The cows are tired of mooing. Clark stands upstairs in the loft. Lois shows up. Wistful love music plays. Lois says that if Clark is worried about the story being taken away, not to be. She says that as far as the police are concerned, the "Big-haired bimbo" has disappeared. They'd give up that easily on multiple murders? Clark doesn't think it's the last time they'll see her. Lois says she'll be ready for the "Super-charged femmebot." Clark thanks Lois for showing up when she did. Right in the middle of some possible sex. He says she might have saved his life. Lois says Clark would have ended up like all her other dates. Clark brings up some of the things Maxima said. About being his soul mate. Lois thinks Clark can do better than a man-eating meteor freak. Clark says it made him think. It hurt. Clark brings up the Chloe letter. He says she was always in front of him, but he never realized how she felt. He asks what happens if his soul mate was there all along and he was too blind to see it. Lois averts her eyes, then says that if it happens, she thinks Clark will know when the right girl walks into his life. Clark asks what Maxima told Lois. She smiles and shakes her head. "Nothing for the front page," she says. Lois reveals that she's meeting with a realtor to find a place. She's desperate to get out from the Jimmy and Chloe show. Clark says that the farm is pretty big. He offers Lois her old room back. Lois says being housemates didn't work for them the first time. "Why tempt fate?" she asks. She walks down the stairs. Clark just nods. This is supposed to be romantic? It just makes me groan. It's like inching toward retirement knowing you haven't saved any money. The future of this show feels so bleak. Hold me. I'm cold.
Tess at her mansion desk, nighttime. She's checking her e-mail. Along with messages from "Scott B.," "Sandra N.," "Megan P.," "Marc M.," and "Dustin F.," there's one with no sender. The subject line is, "LOOKING FOR THIS?" She opens the message. An animated image of the blue crystal appears. Tess is surprised. Under the crystal, a message appears. "YOU ARE NOT READY YET," it says. Then it adds a small red "x" as the signature. We cut to black. X! The Eliminator!
week: More Saw-like torture crap.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.