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You know, I used to really dread those villain-of-the-week episodes, but now I crave them like high-calorie candy to cut through all the liverwurst we've been getting lately. And it helps when the villain is a hulking mass of hurtin' for our hero. Clark and Chloe (with Oliver's offscreen help) find an online fight club that broadcasts Kryptofreak fights that go to the death. The snuffy site is locked up behind proxy servers, but they manage to track it down to a guy at Belle Reve who's funneling fighters to compete in cage matches that utilize their powers. Clark figures out that one of the fighters, a Mr. Titan formerly of the Phantom Zone, is competing in the blood sport. Clark finds a way to get himself into the ring, but is surprised to find Lois there. Leading up to that moment, Lois finds a crumpled of piece of paper from Chloe's files, follows the tip, and red-latex-jumpsuits her way into the broadcast. (Though the fact that she has no powers leads one to wonder why they let her in.) Titan enters the fight, and he and Clark have a pretty awesome mano-a-homo, breaking walls and such and bloodying each other up but good. Titan impales himself on his own body's steel spike and says, "Good fight!" which is, all things considered, pretty cool. Clark whines to MamaKent about killing the guy, but she tells him that the fact that he's feeling bad at all shows that he's human. Still, the whole Lana marriage thing is making Clark mean and angry! GrrrClark! Speaking of that whole distasteful Lex/Lana arrangement: Lana mopes about and gives Lex the cheek when he tries to kiss her. Then she loses the baby. Then she sits in the nursery all day and gets suspicious because she's found out Dr. Langston died on her wedding day. While these would be bombshells on most any show, why does it just feel like tying up loose ends and pushing a fruitless storyline along on this one? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Let's set aside (most of) the angst, shall we? Let's see superpowered people beat the crap out of each other! What do you say? You in? Of course you are! Let's go!
We open on a nondescript flat building we've never seen before. It looks like a detention facility, really, or a sad, sad barracks. Can I put this down as the most boring establishing shot ever? And this is a show that regularly features corn fields and cows. We cut to something which does not follow: the inside of what looks like a giant concrete-floored wrestling arena. There's a spotlight, one of those big boxing microphones hanging from the ceiling, and a very flashy guy (no, not thatFlashy guy) doing a mad jig as he enters. Sound of huge applause from an audience we can't see. The announcer, wearing mad sequins and a shiny hat, does a crazy elf kick and pumps his arm as he runs to the mike. This is a lot of energy expended for very little effect. This guy's no Bruce Campbell, I will tell you that. The dude, who is the Mouth of the North, has a tiny slimy moustache and sunglasses, and yells, "Are you READY?!" I suppose that I am, friend. Please. Proceed. Someone in a control booth turns up the volume on a sound board. We hear an invisible crowd applaud loudly. A techie nearby wearing a headset writes something down and prepares to sound a large bell. Let me get this straight: they've got this huge sound system with effects, but they still need a real boxing bell? The Mouth of the South With Sequins says that tonight's undercard is a special twin matchup: he's introducing two new combatants.
Cut to a dressing area. A large, blinking red light is illuminated; a handwritten sign above it reads, "TRANSMITTING." A blonde woman in a white towel emerges from a very steamy room. We hear the voice of the announcer off in the distance, calling out the name "VIXEN!" A man in boots walks down some stairs in the same room with the towel-clad lady, and watches her as she hits the lockers. He's a big, Scandinavian-looking fellow. And he likes what he sees. The camera ogles the woman as she takes off her towel. We pan down her body in a pretty artless way. If you're going to try to titillate us with T&A, at least get the T and the A parts right. They don't stand for "towel" and "ankles." The guy watches the woman's ass. She puts on the tiniest of skirts, and we do see the bottom of her butt-cheeks, which is a bit better. She's lit like it's a Whitesnake video. We hear the announcer boom, "The All-Powerful, The All-American Man of Steel!" But you're really not paying attention, because of close-ups on the skirt and then the woman's prodigious rack as she puts on a tiny white Daisy Duke shirt-tie that barely covers her black bra. The man smokes as he keeps watching. The woman puts on black stockings. "You're paid to keep an eye on the fights, not me," the woman tells him. She's cute, but what the hell is that ring in her bottom lip? Yeeks: she's Ashley from WWE Smackdown. The guy says that the view in there is a lot better. Indeed. Ashley sits on a bench with her legs spread right open like she's about to give birth to a tiny Macho Man Savage, her tiny skirt barely covering her vaging-jong. The guy notes, with just a few nanospecs of charm, that she's a security guard by day and Catholic schoolgirl by night. He also says that "Athena" (we'll call her Ashley) is a woman of many talents. I know you'll be absolutely shocked by this, but one of those talents led to her posing in Playboy. I know. I was surprised, too. Ashley says that she's a woman of many desires, but that, unfortunately, none of those desires include this swarthy, patchy mustached guy. He looks just a tiny bit embarrassed by that, but not angry.
"Taking off early?" the guy asks Ashley, wisely changing the subject. She says that it's been a rough day. That's why she put on her whole get-up? Where's she going to rest, on the stripper pole at home? She asks how the fight's going. Swarthy Swede says that the fight'll be over soon, since the big guy showed up. Apparently, he's an animal. He asks where Maddox found the fighter. I knew that Angelina Jolie's kid would adjust quickly to American life, but he's already a fight promoter? That family's got drive, I tell you what. Ashley says that Maddox found the guy in a bar outside of Omaha, roughing up some bikers. She says, not very threateningly, that the time she catches Swarthy Swede peeping at her, she's going to put him in a cage with the big guy. Oh, do go on, Boobs McMahon.
Alarm bells and flashing orange lights suddenly go off. Ashley grabs a handgun from her locker, and both she and Swarthy Swede rush up some stairs. Nice watching the fight, lamers. They half-rush down a hall as scantily dressed girls pass them in the opposite direction. Ashley stops a guy coming the other way and asks what's going on. The scared dude tells them that the guy's going nuts and just killed Maddox. Maddox, NOOOO! "Who?" Ashley asks. "Titan!" he says. Are you sure it wasn't Christopher Titus? Because that guy looks like he gets awfully mad. Exposition Guy runs past them, the coward. Ashley approaches the arena.
Cut straight to some hardcore action. One dude plows into another and breaks a huge building column. Pieces of the building crash down, sending sparks flying. Ashley watches. A big bald guy is beating up on a smaller, pretty guy. Ashley turns and runs. Nice security, there. The bald guy punches the crap out of the other dude, and as he flies toward us, we recognize that pretty face" it's Clark Kent. Close-up on the big, bald guy. He's got a certain George "The Animal" Steele thing going. He's Kane from the WWE! He approaches Clark, who is bloody and on his knees. Oh, Clark. Old habits die hard, don't they? Also bloodied, Kane says, "Time to die, Kryptonian!" He punches right at the camera. We go to opening credits.
Commercials. TMNT. Didn't we just prove that people don't want to see characters run around in computer-animated sewers?
Kent Farm. The cows don't realize that it's "46 Hours Earlier." Clark is writing something down in the Barnness of Investigatitude on a very nice little mini spiral notebook while talking on the phone. He rips the page out of the notebook and says into the phone, "Thanks, Oliver." He says he'll call if he finds anything out. MamaKent, wearing a nice green top, climbs up the stairs to the barn loft, and reads from a newspaper that police are baffled by a recent series of citizens' arrests. She says that several career criminals have been delivered to the police, in many cases unconscious. I wonder if Clark will ever get sued by these guys for all these concussions he's caused over the years. They're not good for you, ya know. MamaKent shows a front page of The Daily Planet with the headline "CAPTURED!" She asks if Clark knows anything about this. Does Clark know much about anything? Clark says, smugly, that some bad guys have been brought to justice. MamaKent mentions that some of these guys were hurt pretty badly, and that it sounds like more than justice. Why don't you just go legislate on it, Senator? Clark says that they were meteor-infected, and that they put up a fight. MamaKent, unconvinced, says that Clark is trying to help, but that he can't keep doing this because it's not right. Clark puts on his tough-guy Members Only blue jacket and says that what's not right is staying up in the barn and doing nothing. Now he's gotta go. He says he's gotta follow a tip from Oliver. MamaKent stops him, saying that she knows that crappy wedding day was tough on him, but that ever since then, he's become another person. Even douchier. "Why?" asks Clark, annoyed. "Because I'm not distracted by my feelings for Lana anymore?" He's glad he can finally focus on what's important. Could we have maybe heard that about four seasons ago? MamaKent says that he shouldn't think of his love for Lana as a distraction. He should think of it as the debilitating ruination of an entire show. MamaKent says that love is a natural human emotion. Clark says that maybe this was his mistake all along -- having the emotion in the first place. Yeah! He says that he's not human and should stop pretending to be. For once, I agree with the jerk. He goes down the stairs in a huff while way-too-disturbed music plays.
Fight time! One guy is thrashing another guy against a chain-link fence as bright lights shine on them. We pull back to reveal that this is video on a computer monitor. There are two fists and barbed wire on either side of the embedded video and the logo "LIVE! Or DIE!" up top. There are two buttons on either side as well: one for "LIVE" and one for "DIE." Is this AmIDyingOrNot.com? Chloe, wearing a drab dark top and conservative hair, simply can't believe that there's a Krypto Fight Club on the internet. Did Chloe temporarily forget that it's the internet and that there's way sicker shit out there? Chloe asks why nobody knows about this. Clark says that Oliver told him the link and password cost more than most people make in a year. They see two guys rolling around in a ring and grunting. Chloe closes her eyes, apparently squeamish for the first time since the show started. I think her journalistic curiosity and toughness would win out over her apparent sudden inability to watch two people punch each other around. But then I'm not the one trying to change her whole character this week in an effort to let Lois come front and center in red leather. Clark watches the fighting, which doesn't look any more violent than what you'd see on any wrestling show. One guy gets choked and thrown on the ground. Oh! Heavens to Betsy! Merciful heavens! This is giving the dainty flower Chloe the vapors! Somebody get her some fresh air and smelling salts! What bullshit. Clark and Chloe keep watching as the guy on the ground tries to use a freeze ray from his hand. The other guy -- the one we saw at the beginning of the episode giving Clark a thrashing -- grabs him by the head, turns him around, and presents him to the camera. The on-screen cheap web graphics prompt the viewer to vote now. On the video, Kane whips out a steel spike from above his right hand. Apparently, the vote went "DIE!" (There were, apparently, some irregularities in the Ohio ballots.) Kane shoves the steel spike into the back of the opponent's neck. I liked it better when Titus Pullo did this. Clark looks sad. Chloe looks disgusted. Kane huffs and puffs at the camera as people applaud. Gravely, Chloe says, "Clark, he just killed that guy."
Clark asks Chloe to trace the site back to the source. She types. She says that they're bouncing the signal off a billion proxy servers. And the video still streams smoothly? Chloe says that the people running the site made sure nobody could find them. She asks if Oliver and Clark's "Super Pals" gave him any other information. Clark says that it was a short conversation, because he's been busy lately, but that Oliver thought the location of the fighting was nearby. Chloe says that the security on the site is "off the charts." Really? She says that she can't record or download the feed. That doesn't sound right. Can't you just output whatever's on the computer screen to a VCR or other recorder through a video card output? Chloe has also obviously never heard of Firefox plug-ins that let you do just that. The announcer on the video tries to do his sad shtick, declaring Titan/Kane the reigning champion. Folks cheer. Kane looks angry. Clark tells Chloe to freeze the frame. That she can do. Clark notices a detail on the guy's arm. Chloe is able to zoom in on it, even though she can't capture or do anything else with the video. It's an arm tattoo of Kryptonian symbols. Clark reads it, and says it's a prison tattoo. He figures out that Kane isn't meteor-infected. He's from the Phantom Zone. A scary sound plays. Oh shit!
Scary Luthor Manor, nighttime. Lana is in her room looking at a very unrealistic ultrasound picture that somehow has a flesh-colored 3-D image of her baby. Oy, am I the only person who thinks those 4-D ultrasound pictures are a little too personal? Lana sits in front of a mirror, staring at the image of her little beige space baby. Lex comes in holding two champagne glasses, and suggests that they end the evening with a toast. I hope they got at least one toaster at their wedding. He says it's been one week since their wedding, and offers Lana some baby-safe sparkling cider. He says it's not the same as celebrating on the beach at Boquete. Lana, wearing a very unmaternal black outfit, says that she still doesn't think flying off to a foreign country would be good for the baby. Lex, unconvinced, twitches at the mouth and asks if that's the only reason she gave up a week in paradise. She nervously touches the champagne glass. Lex says that, ever since the wedding, he feels she's been pulling away from him. BOOO-RING! Let's go back to giant thugs beating the shit out of each other! Lana complains that everything happened too quickly. It sure didn't feel that way from this side of the TV. The soft-focus lighting in this scene is a bit much. Even Streisand is like, "You people are too self-conscious." Lana says that she's still trying to catch up, and that she just needs a little time. Lex sighs. He tells her to take as much time as she needs, and threatens that they have the rest of their lives together. Lex tries to kiss Lana, but she gives him the cheek. Dude! It's divorce time. Lex pulls away. Lana fake-smiles at him. Lex says that he feels things will be different once the baby is born. Yeah, you'll be having tons more sex after that. Keep hoping, bald man. Lana doesn't say anything. Lex toasts to their new family. Sans the crispy toast. They clink glasses. Lana drinks first. Lex pauses, and then takes a sip. Very over-the-top strings play. We get it. This is a soap opera. Can we get back to some ultimate fighting?
The way-creepy music continues as we cut to The Talon at daytime, and the American flag posted out front. Smooth transition, there, Smallville. Did you edit that in a cheap blender? Chloe is inside tapping on a leather-covered Dell laptop, which does not seem consistent with her character. Shouldn't she be using an Alienware or Apple laptop? I don't think Chloe would settle for a plain-Jane Inspiron. She prints out a photo from the online snuff video, the one of Kane raising his arm in victory. Clark whooshes into the room, spilling Chloe's coffee. Chloe, annoyed, tells him to slow down, since she doesn't have money to hire a full-time maid. Clark ignores that and asks what she's found out. Chloe says that the login and password Oliver gave Clark are no longer working, and that the fight club promoters must be rotating the passwords. "You have nothing!" Clark snaps. Chloe tells him not to bite her head off. She says she's got something else up her sleeve. I hope it's a piece of Kryptonite for Clark; he's being an asshole. Chloe brightly says that super-sleuthing might be her latent Kryptopower. Clark doesn't respond to her smile. She says that Kane's opponent -- whom she calls a "Billy Idol lookalike" (he's got a tall blond Mohawk, but the resemblance ends there) -- was a patient at Belle Reve. She says that, after he was killed, he was taken back to his padded cell; the orderlies found his body in the morning. Wow, Chloe's got good contacts at Belle Reve. Clark thinks that the person at Belle Reve will lead them to the fight club. Chloe says that she's already on it; Clark's sidekick isn't completely useless. Clark apologizes for snapping earlier, and tells Chloe that her police-department contact in Metropolis helped him to find info on people Kane killed in a crater between Omaha and Metropolis. He hands Chloe a stack of police reports. Chloe says that Kane left the same wound on all the bodies; they're all fighters. Clark says that the tattoo on Kane's arm spells out that he was a warrior enhanced for combat. He says that the guy's been itching for a fight since he got to Earth.
Lois walks in just then, wearing a beige Robert Stack trenchcoat, letting the door hit the wall as she says, "Hey!" She starts talking as Clark hides his papers. Holding a cup of coffee and carrying her bags, Lois says that she couldn't find proof of the Chupacabra in the Everglades (did you try Mexico?), and that her editor now wants to downsize her. Maybe the editor meant to get her a breast reduction. She says that if she doesn't come up with a good story idea in the forty-eight hours, she can say "adios" to her weekly paycheck. Maybe you should have said "adios" in a place other than Florida. Lois notices the images on Chloe's computer screen and asks if that's a story. Chloe tries to hide it. Lois lies that normally she'd be hands-off, but that "this puppy needs a bone." Woof. She begs Chloe for help. Chloe says that there's no story for the Inquisitor. Clark suggests that, after a shower and a cappuccino, Lois will think of something. Well, Lois showering always seems to give the writers of this show some ideas. Chloe offers to give Lois some room. Chloe and Clark leave Lois alone. With all their stuff left behind. Smart. Lois snarks that she could have used a little help. She notices a paper in the trash as she throws away her coffee cup. She uncrumples the paper: a photo of Kane and the announcer. Nice one, Chloe. You really need to invest in a shredder. Lois notices some writing on the back wall of the photo: "FR-44." She has a lightbulb moment. "Fort Ryan, Hangar 44," she says out loud.
Commercials. America's Top Model. Models are mad! Use it, girls! Use it! Fierce! (Can you tell I don't really watch that show?)
"FR-44" is stenciled into the ground of the very shiny floor where the arena is housed. That it was military explains the drab exterior. I hope no veterans get harmed in this episode, because who knows what hospital they'll be sent to. As funky music plays, Lois walks down the hall. Wearing the scariest tight red leather suit ever. Like, even Eddie Murphy is going, "Damn! That's too over the top!" Lois is wearing sunglasses along with this shiny red suit. She looks like the damn backseat of a red convertible. And I'm not sure that's a coincidence. She approaches a set of bars leading into a room full of computers. This plan is so retarded it just might work. Lois takes off her sunglasses and acts like she knows what's doing. Her makeup is applied in a way that makes her look not so much sexy as waxen. She opens the cell-like door and enters the computer room. Nobody's around, and the computer screens are all blue and read, "OFFLINE." She looks like she can barely walk. Ashley -- sporting the huge ta-tas, now held back in a convenient black strip of fabric that covers nothing -- appears behind Lois and says, "Hey, Puss in Boots, where ya going?" Oy. Lois. Red leather. Puss. Boots. It makes you want to use your thumbnails to claw your eyes out.
As Ashley checks her out, Lois says that her car broke down on the way to work, and that she needs water for her radiator. Ashley asks what "Kitten" is all dressed up for. Circus? Drag queen show? A segment on Real Sex? Lois says that she's a dancer, and works at The Phoenix. "The strip club down the road?" says Ashley, because the script would never suppose that we're smart enough to figure out that The Phoenix is the name of a strip club. Ashley continues eye-fucking Lois. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, a welcome change and lovely trip to Sapphicland that, for some reason, I want to end as soon as possible. Lois says that she goes onstage in fifteen minutes, and could use Ashley's help. Ashley gets right up in her face: she says that this place is off the beaten path, and asks how Lois knew to come back here. Lois says that her dad is a general, and that she knew about this place before it was mothballed and sold. Ashley says she bets that the general is glad about the way his little girl turned out. Lois laughs that one off, giving Ashley the sexy eyes. "Help a girl out?" she asks. No, seriously. This close up, Lois's makeup is a crime against nature. Is this really supposed to be titillating? Lois says that she'll leave Ashley's name at the front door, and that Ashley can watch her act. She says she does a killer Stars and Stripes routine. Seen it. It wasn't so great. Ashley purses her lips, grabs Lois's hand -- which is holding a radiator fluid canister -- and rubs the back of it, saying, "I've always been a sucker for a girl in boots." Forget homosexual subtext. We're up to our eyeballs in 48-point Garamond! Ashley leans in close for a kiss. "Lucky me," says Lois. Ashley tells her to stay put, and that she'll be right back. Bring a mattress!
Lois waits. Once Ashley has gone, she unwisely busts out a digital camera and starts snapping shots. She walks to the main arena and takes pictures of bloodstains on the floor and walls. Way to use the music to make digital photography less boring. It would be nice if Lois used a camera that she didn't have to hold out in front of her with both hands, and that didn't have a flash that can be seen on Russian satellites even when she's shooting indoors. Lois's last picture is of Ashley holding a gun on her. Ashley tells "kitty cat" that she's a very nosy girl. I'd have gone with "chesty." Lois grins, and then knocks the gun out of Ashley's hand and smacks her in the chin. Ashley says that those are nice moves for a stripper. You should see her donkey punch! Lois says that she learned the better ones as an army brat. Lois kicks, spin-punches, and then gets a kick in the gut for her troubles. They trade punches and kicks. Lois finally knocks Ashley down with a Karate Kid maneuver and straddles the poor, beaten-up lesbian, telling her, "For your information, my daddy is proud of me." Is this not because I'm a lesbian, but because I'm a bad model-turned-wrestler-turned-actress? "Kitty cat," Lois adds, under her breath. Lois stands up, and the greasy announcer is there waiting for her, holding another gun to her head. He says that if Lois were his girl, he'd be proud of her, too. Lois grimaces. She can't knock the gun out of his hand like she just did the other one? The announcer chuckles. Even his laugh is greasy enough to have fried pork sausage.
Daily Planet. No establishing shot. As they walk through some double doors, Chloe is telling Clark that she tracked down their "Vince McMahon wannabe." She's found a guy who works at Belle Reve, named Richter Maddox. Fakest. Name. Ever. Why not just call him Cock Masterson? She shows Clark a picture of the dude, who has a weird Fu Manchu goatee that would never allow him to work as a hospital administrator. But he does have those scary severe glasses and his hair pulled back. Clark asks how this guy is keeping Kane in the facility. Chloe says that he's not a patient there, so he must be freelancing in the fight club. Clark thinks that since they're using outside talent in the ring, he can find a way in. Chloe reminds Clark that they're broadcasting this stuff live, and that his powers could be exposed. "I don't have a choice, Chloe!" says Clark. Dude. You have tons of choices. Get Oliver to help you out. Tear down their server cables. Heat-vision somebody. I hate it when someone with Clark's limitless abilities only sees one way to solve a problem. Dumb-ass. Chloe reminds Clark that this guy could kill him. "Not if I kill him first," says Clark, all mercenary. Nice attitude, not-so-Superman. Chloe squints a little. Did he just really say that? Maybe they've got some openings on Friday Night Lights, because this shit sucks. Dramatic noises end the scene.
Lair of Lex. Lex, Dell laptop open, is telling someone to keep him updated on their progress. He tells "Bartlett" (who has no decent quotations in this episode) that he has full discretion. "Make it happen," Lex tells him. Follow your dreams! Be the American Idol! Lex looks on his computer, and it doesn't take him long to get frustrated. It says that there are security compromises of confidential material: "Corto Maltese -- Compromised." We cut to a lame video of Oliver, in Green Arrow garb, taking out a security camera with an arrow. The screen goes to static. Lex closes the laptop in frustration. He looks at his watch. Time to go fire somebody. Lex goes to Lana's room, but she's not in bed. He calls her name. "Lex!" she says weakly. She's lying on the floor between the bedroom and bathroom, curled up and clutching her stomach. It looks like there's blood around her head on the floor. Lex goes to her. She's gasping and grunting, and says that there's something wrong. Then she passes out. "Lana," Lex says worriedly. "Somebody help me!" he yells. "Someone!" The camera pulls back into the bedroom.
Commercials. Disney has a new animated movie coming out, and as cynical as I may appear to be, I am only human and cannot resist a funny T-rex.
Smallville Medical Center. It's foggy outside. Inside, Lana is in a dark room with a ceiling fan going. Oh, these balmy Vancouver nights. The camera slowly zooms in on her face. Lana, sleeping, wrinkles her nose as she wakes up. She stares at the ceiling fan. Then she turns to see Lex through the room's window, talking to a doctor we remember from Belle Reve. Lana makes a grunting face as she moves the covers and tries to get out of bed. She's hooked up to absolutely nothing, but knocks a metal pan off a bedside table, attracting Lex's attention. Pale-faced and shaky, Lana says, "Lex!" Lex goes to her as the doctor tells "Mrs. Luthor" that she shouldn't get out of bed. I can't get out of my head the head lice from South Park and the main hero louse talking about his "Bebe." "KELLY!" Lex tells Lana that she passed out, and that they brought her to the hospital. She asks about Dr. Langston, and whether her baby is all right. Lex says that the doctor didn't return his page, so Lex called his family doctor, Dr. Albright. Albright says that Lana will be fine. Lana asks again if the baby is all right. Vangelis-sounding synthesizer music plays as Lex gives the doctor a look and asks her to give them a minute. She leaves the room. There's thunder on the soundtrack as Lex sits Lana down. He strokes her hair: "Lana, there were complications." Lana begins to cry. "We lost the baby," says Lex. "No!" she sputters, "no!" Lana breaks down convincingly. Lex puts his forehead to hers as she bares her teeth, letting it all out. Lex looks a little scared as Lana clutches him and completely loses it. The doctor watches sneakily from the doorway. As the Smallville turns...
Belle Reve. The place, with its two big searchlights, is looking more like a prison every time we see it. Maddox, whose picture we saw earlier, comes out of a smoky back exit from the sanitarium. He's trying to open the door of his white SUV when Clark suddenly appears. It's funny when they use villainous music to reveal Clark. Clark makes a Blue Steel frowny face at the doctor, all, "I'm evil, man! You don't want to mess with this pissed-off farmboy!" The slimy Maddox, relieved, says, "You scared me!" He doesn't recognize Clark? He asks where Clark came from. Clark says that the guy wouldn't believe him if he told him. Maddox says that he's had a long day, and that if Clark wants to check in, he can go to the main lobby. Clark says that he wants to fight. "What did I do to you?" Maddox asks him. Clark says that he wants to be in the dude's fight club. Maddox feigns ignorance. Clark grabs him and shoves him up against the SUV. He says he knows about the fight club. He saw it on DVD. Clark knows it's not just patients from Belle Reve: "I want in." Come right in, sexy boy! Maddox struggles and says that the only place he can get Clark into is a psychiatric facility. He says that Clark is a sick person and needs help. This, we know. Maddox says that if Clark's not looking for treatment, he'd better back off. Clark throws Maddox onto the hood of a nearby car. Maddox rolls off. He whips out a gun and points it at Clark. "You're barkin' at the wrong dog, Jethro!" says Maddox. It's kind of hilarious. This guy's really trying to make the most out of a thankless guest role. He tells Clark to put his tail between his legs and get lost. Clark says he won't until they let him in the cage. He steps forward. Maddox fires the gun. Clark holds out a fist. He's got the bullet in his hand. He shows it to Maddox. Maddox tentatively steps forward and takes the bullet. His mouth hangs open. "Yeah!" he says, suddenly laughing. He says that Clark is just full of surprises. Hey! Maddox is the announcer! I feel dumb for not noticing earlier. Maddox says he thought that with Clark's "pretty face," he'd never gone a round in his life. Oh, he goes twelve rounds with the right guy. Clark says that Maddox hasn't seen anything yet. Maddox says he can see it in Clark's eyes: he's got some fight in him. "Welcome to the show," he says. Clark shakes his hand. Maddox turns it into a bro-shake, grinning at Clark and winking. Greasy!
Arena hallway. Maddox, now in his announcer gear, is wearing a ruffled shirt and doing his best impression of GOB from Arrested Development. He asks what Clark thinks of the name "The Man of Steel." Eh. Not much? Maddox says that each of the fighters gets a moniker, and that it's a name people won't forget. They reach the computer area. Two girls in colorful wigs help Maddox to put on his shiny sequin coat, as he asks Clark to play it up for the cameras since people are paying top dollar to see the fight. Clark asks about the crowd. Maddox says that there is no audience. He puts on sunglasses and says that they're trying to keep this thing secret, so they use "50,000 WATTS OF SOUND!" instead. Maddox points to a computer bank and says he just bought that. I kind of like Maddox. He's the kind of sleazy character they could have stretched out a lot longer on this show. The crowd sound goes up. The cage door rises. Maddox and Clark walk in. Lights go up. Maddox, play-boxing at Clark, says that spectators pay to see the fight, and that the crowd noises pump up the fighters. Clark asks for Kane. Maddox says that "Titan" is the main event. Maddox, camera spinning around him, says that he wants to warm up Clark with an easier fight. He says that all the fans want to see is somebody dying. Clark asks whom he's fighting. Maddox points to the opposite gate. A guy is pushing Lois, still in her ridiculous get-up, into the ring. She tells that guy that she hopes he likes the taste of vinyl, because he's about to get a mouthful of patent leather. "Lois?" Clark asks. She notices him. Clark frowns at her gear. "Smallville?" she asks. See, this is absolutely ridiculous, but I kind of like the comic book-like twist here.
Six minutes' worth of commercials. They should have named Gong Li's character in the movie Curse Of The Golden Flower "Titular." And then named the movie after her.
Most boring exterior shot ever. Inside, Maddox is on a computer monitor, gearing up for the show to go live. A producer counts down, "3, 2, 1." I thought the 2 and 1 were supposed to be silent. A microphone falls from the ceiling in a replay of the bit with which we opened the episode. Maddox the Announcer pumps his fist and does a chicken dance toward the mic. He jump-kicks and flashes his buckle. Shiny! Yet dull. He introduces tonight's undercard. This time, we stay with him as he does the introduction of "the voluptuous, the vicious...VIXEN!" Lois emerges. Somebody took her red leather outfit, cut off the midriff, and made a red jacket out of it. Tailory! A girl with sunglasses and a blue wig (is that Blue Iris's granddaughter?) takes off Lois's jacket. Oh, don't act like you don't like getting imaginary cheers and being looked at online, Lois. "Yummmmy," says Maddox into the mic. He introduces Clark as "the all-powerful, the all-American Man of Steel!" The pink-wig girl in the white bikini shows Clark into the arena. He's wearing a black leather jacket and black shirt to show how angry and angsty he is. Why not wear a black beret, Clark, so that we can see your existential ennui? Maddox says that he can't wait. He takes the ladies in his arms, and wishes Clark good luck by calling him "pretty-boy." Clark and Lois start to circle each other. Clark asks what she's doing there. Trying to stay alive, Lois says. She tells Clark to punch her. "What?" Clark asks. Lois tells him not to do it too hard -- just enough to make it look real. The camera is trying to make us dizzy by going in circles around them. Lois, bouncy bouncy, says that she'll hit the mat, Maddox will come in, and they'll make a getaway. Clark says that he's not going to punch Lois. Then I will! "Fine!" Lois says, angry. "Then you take the dive!" She punches Clark in the stomach. It's a steel wall. Lois grabs her hand in pain. This doesn't seem unusual to her? Someone fiddles with a control knob to raise the volume on the boos. Wow, I wish I had that for this show every week. Lois says it's not a six-pack on Clark -- it's a steel case. Clark turns to the computer room and eyejaculates some bolts of fire at the computers, making them a'splode. Everything crashes down. Good thing, because Kane is approaching the arena. He grabs the bars and growls, "Kal-El!" He raises the gate and gives Clark a dirty look. Maddox comes in and tells him to wait, because the light feed went down. Kane not care! Kane make big attack! He smacks Maddox across the face, sending him flying across the room. Go home to your mama, Jolie.
We cut back to the locker room, where the alarm goes off again. Ashley grabs her gun. She and the scuzzy guard go running to help.
Back in the arena, the flunky computer guy sees Maddox lying on the ground, equipment stacked on top of him. He looks pretty dead. "Show's over!" the flunky yells. Ya think? The arena girls scatter.
Back in the ring, Clark turns to Lois. He tells her to run. Clark turns back, in slow motion, in time to see Kane rear back and deliver a bruising uppercut. The punch creates a cool sonic wave, and sends Clark flying. Blood from his mouth splatters the camera. Clark flies against the fence (a simple chain link fence can support his body?) and lands hard on the floor. Lois is finally scared.
Hallway. We replay the scene where the flunky tells Ashley that Maddox is dead.
Kane goes to Clark to do a finishing move. Lois hops on Kane's back and starts banging on his chest. For some reason, Kane isn't able just to flick her off like a big-boobed gnat. He has to forcefully spin around to send her flying. Lois doesn't even hit anything, but she immediately and conveniently falls unconscious. That's the only real lame part of the fight. Clark is standing. "Leave her alone!" he barks to Kane. As a shower of sparks shoots up behind him, Kane says that the human means nothing to him. He prefers four-breasted space hos. Kane says that Clark is the fight he's been hoping for. Clark's lip is all bloody. Shouldn't he already be healing? Clark says that Kane doesn't belong there. He belongs on the Friday-night wrestling show! Kane says that Clark is the one who doesn't belong. Snappy comeback. That's what they teach you in wrestler acting school. Clark dives at Kane, and they fly back onto a column, which breaks and falls.
Cut to the scene where Ashley runs away. Nice knowing ya, sister.
Back to the part of the fight where Kane is punching Clark about the face. Clark blocks a punch and hits Kane back. Kane uppercuts Clark again, and he flies at the camera like just before the opening credits. Kane follows him. He's got a nasty gash on the side of his head. Clark is on the floor, in pain. Kane picks Clark up and jams him against a wall. He starts punching Clark hard in slow, jittery motion. It looks very painful. One punch! Two punches! Three! Three punches! Ah ah ah ah ah! Clark ducks, and a punch finally misses. Kane hits the wall with his fist. He catches Clark with a backward elbow. Then he picks Clark up and body-slams him. Clark rolls. Kane lifts up his arm and lets out his steel spike from above his hand. Clark, more bloodied and on his knees, looks up. "Time to die, Kryptonian," says Kane. He tries to stab Clark with the spike. Clark grabs it with both hands just before it goes into his forehead. They push against each other. Clark is able to turn the spike around. He punches Kane, sending him rolling back. Clark stands. "My turn," he says in a low, sexy voice. For once, I'm rooting for Clark! Clark jumps into the air and comes down with a hammer fist! Yes! Brutal! Clark punches Kane again. Kane struggles on the ground. Clark kicks him in the gut. Kane manages to stand, wearily. He tries to swing his spike at Clark. Clark catches it easily, and then smacks Kane back. Clark head-butts him. Smacks him in the face. Everything goes slow-motion. Clark slyly smiles as Kane tries to rear back and make one last spike swing. Clark ducks. He spins and delivers a devastating dragon punch. Hadoken! That was downright fierce! Sonic boom! Kane goes flying. The camera, awesomely, stays on his face as he flies. He lands, really, really hard, face-down into the concrete. No imprint, though. Kane slowly stands. He turns. The steel spike is deep in the middle of his chest. He smiles: "Good fight." Then he falls. That was cool! Fatality! Clark wins. Clark notices Lois lying face-down nearby. He goes to help her. Sparks keep flashing. We pull back from the broken arena. Triumphant music swells.
Eragon on DVD. The perfect date-night movie for sweet, awkward teens.
Stately Luthor Manor. In the hallway, one of Lex's henchmen is telling him that he's sorry to be a bother with business, since this is a difficult time, but that he has news: they found the fight club. Lex asks if they have Kane. "Negative," the henchman replies. Aw, fiddlesticks. The henchman says that Kane was dead when the team arrived. Lex says that Kane fought some tough dudes. He asks who could have taken him down. The henchman says he doesn't know. Wasn't there an internet broadcast? And tape? He says that they lost their internet uplink before the team went in. Yeah, but they showed enough of Clark and Lois at least to have a clue. Didn't they? Lazy guards. (And writers.) The henchman, who is trying too hard for FBI-style delivery, says that they recovered the body, and that Lex will find the report interesting. Lex opens a folder. "He wasn't a meteor freak," says Lex. The henchman says that Kane wasn't human. He couldn't be reasoned with! He didn't feel pain!
Kent Farm. The cows wave their tails lazily and hope there's only one season left of posing like this. Clark is studying color glossies of meteor holes. Why am I not surprised that Clark still has a secret desire to see pictures of gaping holes? MamaKent comes up to the loft and asks how Lois is doing. Clark says that she's banged up, but all right; he says she's already working on her article about the fight club. MamaKent makes a freaked-out face. Clark tells her not to worry; he didn't do anything in front of Lois that'll make headlines. MamaKent says she's glad Lois is fine, and asks how Clark is doing. Clark says he thought Kane was the last Phantom Zone escapee. But all these other craters suggest that he might not be. MamaKent is sure he'll find them. "Then what?" Clark asks. He says he doesn't know how to return them to the Phantom Zone; the only way to get rid of them is to kill them. He stands by the open window, sulking. MamaKent says that Clark told her the death was an accident. Clark asks what if it wasn't. MamaKent says that the dude would have killed Clark. Clark says, "So I just killed him first? How does that make me any better?" MamaKent says that what Clark is feeling right now makes him better. She says it's remorse for a vicious creature who would have murdered them both. She says that those feelings are what make Clark human, no matter how much he denies it. Clark asks about the anger. He says he wanted to kill Kane with his bare hands. Sexy! He says he's never felt rage like that before. Oh no? MamaKent says that they both know Kane wasn't what this was about. "How could Lana do it?" Clark asks. "How could she marry Lex?" Oh, so now Lana is responsible for Clark's murderous rage? Jeez. MamaKent says that Lana made her choice. "Or somebody made it for her," he says. He says he has to find out and do something about it. "Honey," MamaKent says, "I understand how much this hurts." She tells him that part of being human and in love is learning to let go. She says that if he can't, the anger Clark's feeling will always be there. Clark looks outside. Does not compute! Illogic overload! (Smoke. Fire.)
In the nursery for Lana and Lex's baby, the Vangelis music starts up again. Lana is sitting in a rocking chair, in the dark. Lex comes to the door, and says that Nell called. She wanted to see if Lana wanted company the day. "I don't know," says Lana, sadly. Lex says that she hasn't left the room since they got back from the hospital. Lana says she likes it there. She says she tried to call Dr. Langston to tell him what happened, but was told he was in a car accident. Lex comes to Lana and says that's terrible: "When?" She says it was the day of their wedding. She's wearing a purple silk robe and holding a dolly as she asks why this is all happening. Lex says that some things in life are just out of your control. He says that sometimes you have to let go and leave things to a higher power. "I lost our baby," says Lana sadly. "I'm...I'm so sorry." Lex looks at Lana with a mix of fear and love. He says it wasn't her fault. Lana looks down. "I have to know for sure," she says. She wants her files from Dr. Langston's office. "You will," says Lex. Lana stares at her lap. Lex asks how he can help make the pain go away: "What can I do?" Lana doesn't answer. Instead, she looks away. Lex blinks in grief and guilt. He holds her hand. Vangelis, out!
Lex is in his office. The fireplace is going. He's on the phone. "Are you sure these are all the files?" he asks. He thanks Dr. Albright for the help, and tells her to forget she ever heard the name Lana Luthor. Lex holds papers from Smallville Medical Center in his hand. They're stamped "CONFIDENTIAL." Lex tosses the papers in the fireplace. The Vangelis creepiness returns. Lex holds a small card in his hand. He tosses it into the fire, too. It's the 3-D ultrasound picture. It burns. Lex stares at the fire. With intensity. Blackout.
See you in a few weeks, when we come back for the last run of shows for the season. Have a nice break!