Holy Matrimony!

S06E16

By Omar G

Put your waders on, friends. The bullshit here's gonna get pretty deep. The episode starts and ends with wordless montages and twists its chronology all around for no compellingly dramatic reason except that the writers just saw Babel and decided to take out all the foreign languages but keep all the angst. The opening montage shows Lex and Lana getting a sonogram from the creepy doctor. Clark mopes in the barn and flings a picture of him and Lana out the barn window, striking and killing an innocent bystander in China. Clark has a bad dream that Lana's wearing too much lipstick and is also marrying Lex. Clark shows up, stabs Lex with a sword, and says he's trying to save Lana. Lana says she loves Lex, takes the knife, and stabs herself, right through the mutant baby. Clark wakes up in horror. The rest of the episode goes all out of order, but goes on to tell the story of how, on Lana's wedding day, she tricks Chloe by locking her in the wine cellar (hey, that's what bridesmaids are for!) so that she'll call Clark and ask for help. Lana watches Clark break open the steel door and then argue with Chloe for the millionth time about telling Lana his secret. Clark zips out, still not willing to stop "protecting" Lana, but she now truly knows his secret (at least the part about the special powers). Clark talks to his mom, who completely changes her tune about his not interfering with a wedding, and goads him into trying to stop Lana. Clark goes to the castle to try. Lana says that she already knows the secret, won't marry Lex, and will meet Clark at the barn when the wedding it supposed to take place. But not so fast. Papa Luthor sees a note Lana was scribbling to Lex ("Dear Lex: Thanks, but no thanks. You can rent my room out if you like. Laters! LL") and threatens to kill Clark if Lana doesn't marry Lex. This comes after Papa Luthor has asked Lex if he'd do anything to make sure Lana arrives at the altar. All a little too convenient, no? Papa tells Lana that he knows Clark's secret too, and that Clark has a weakness he'll use. She goes all tearful and meek. Just before wedding time, Lana's doctor tries to get $2 million out of Lex in exchange for not revealing whatever's up with Lana's awful, horrible pregnancy secret. Lex starts beating the crap out of the doctor, and the doctor dies when he hits his head on a crypt. Oh, did I mention that they're in Lex's basement, a foggy (!) crypt? Convenient, because Lex can just throw the dead doctor in there and make conflicted faces like he's in an Edgar Allen Poe story. Lex cleans up and goes to get married, but Lana's gone! Then she's not gone! She shows up just as everyone is starting to get very uncomfortable and start asking if she's a runaway bride or a crazy astronaut. Lex and Lana marry as Clark stands in the back and looks heartbroken. After the wedding, Papa bitchslaps Lex and tells him that he can't even commit murder correctly. He knows all about the doctor in the crypt. He reads Poe, too. Lana interrupts. Papa welcomes Lana to the family, menacingly. Bastard! I guess we know he's been evil all along. Clark confronts Lana, and she tearfully sends him away, saying she loves Lex. She doesn't reveal the threat from Papa Luthor. Nothing learned, nothing shared, huh? So after six seasons of this roundabout crap, we're back where we started, with Clark pining and Lana off with some jerkwad. Music plays as she stares from the back of the limo at Clark and he is mopey. Unless you're the movie Groundhog Day, it's no fun watching characters go in circles. And this circle looks like it came out of a damn Spirograph. Could someone explain to me how it is that Lex Luthor killed a guy in this episode, yet emerges as the most sympathetic character?

Are you ready for some music montage-age? Snow Patrol's "You Could Be Happy" -- which is bright and twinkly and not at all like my favorite song of theirs, "Run" -- plays. We open on a stack of wedding programs with a very expensive-looking purple "L" seal on them; the programs are for the wedding of Ms. Lana Lang and Mr. Alexander Luthor. When you're filthy rich, you don't need middle names. Chloe is in a church carrying a box of these programs. She walks up the aisle to the altar, where tons of purple and dusty-rose flowers are being placed, and a woman is holding a clipboard. Chloe, wearing a red coat, looks grimly around the church.

Cut to Lex and Lana getting an ultrasound. Well, Lana is the one getting it, actually. Lex is just watching. Lana stares up adoringly at Lex after she is wowed by the image of feet and baby. Lex smiles happily as he sees what looks like a blue curled-up intestine. Oh, man, suddenly I'm in the mood for Elgin sausage. Mmm, Elgin sausage. The ultrasound image is being shown on a nice flat-screen monitor. I thought most ultrasound machines looked like giant, beige robots from 1970s science fiction. I guess Lex can afford the best. Close-up on Lex as his mouth twitches. Son of a Lex! We get the reverse angle: creepy Dr. Langston, Lana (in bed), and Lex are watching the screen. I wonder if Lex has drawn a big happy face on Lana's tummy with a magic marker yet. With fangs on it. Lana looks at the screen in wonder again. I give Kristin Kreuk shit about her acting sometimes, but her look here appears genuine. Langston gives Lex a sidelong glance, like, "Dude, we're so evil. It's awesome." Lex just smiles proudly again as he looks at Lana. "You could be happy/I hope you are," says Snow Patrol, as we transition to...

...Clark opening a closet door. We see Clark from the closet's point of view, but isn't that always the case? Clark moves some clothes on hangers around and finally grabs what he's looking for. It's a suit with a white shirt already inside the jacket. Clark, wearing a tight red t-shirt, throws it on the bed. He grabs a tie hanging in the closet and examines it. I don't think you're going to be able to hang yourself with that, dude. Clark throws it on the bed. Stupid tie!

The song is still playing as we cut to an overhead view of the Lair of Lex. Lex is examining a wedding band he's holding between his finger and thumb. It's preeeeciooouuuusss. No, Frodo! Stay pure!

Another cut -- this time to Lana's back as someone is tying her up in a white corset. The fuck!? I know Lana's pregnancy isn't exactly showing, but is it really wise to stick her in a restrictive garment like this? I suppose this is fine if you plan to give birth to Flat Stanley. But seriously, forget saving the cheerleader: can we save Lana's belly? Lana, now in close-up, takes in breath and looks uncomfortable as the corset it tightened. Baby! Dying! Lana is standing in front of a full-length mirror as the unknown dresser laces her up and another person works on the wedding dress hemline.

Clark, in the barn, opens up a chest. Arr, matey, what manner of gold be thar here? Yar! You know, I really thought Snow Patrol was supposed to be indie and cool, but they sound as lame as Lifehouse. And The All-American Rejects. And, to a lesser degree, Coldplay. Is it any wonder we'd hear them on this show? It makes me sort of happy to know we'll probably never hear an Arcade Fire song on Smallville. From the chest, Clark pulls a picture of him and Lana dancing at the prom. Lana's hair is stranger than I remember, but Clark looks incredibly happy. Clark stands up and walks around with the picture like he's feeling nostalgic and a little Zen about the whole Lana situation. He pauses, and we get another close-up of the framed photo. Ah, maturity. I think Clark might finally be accepting what's happening and ready to mature into the Superman we all know and love. I'm proud of you, Clark. You're showing some real growth here and...what? Oh, you're going to fling the framed photo out of the barn window and let it sail across the night sky? Well, I guess you could do that. You know, if you want to be a Big, Dumb, Immature Alien. Go right ahead! To my small surprise, Clark totally does just that. Clark watches it go. We cut to a faraway outside shot of the Kent Farm. The photo, spinning through the air, flies right at us. This is a metaphor for the Clark and Lana crap heading right for us for the rest of this episode. Beware. The photo goes on to sail to China, where it hits a fisherman in the back of the head ("Clana, no!"), causing an international incident that will eventually lead China to invade the United States with nuclear weapons. We will begin to win the war, but then China will make a pact with splinter groups in Eastern Europe who will begin to wage an information war against our country's financial interests. Eventually, we'll be enslaved. Which is all to say, nice fucking move, Clark.

Opening credits. Commercials. You can now see The Oliver Queen Chronicles at CWTV.com/sprint. There's also an arrow-shooting game featuring shirtless boys. Get your blocky animation on. It's fun for fans and pedophiles alike!

We come back to a church organ playing. In a church. The camera pans along the back row. The place is empty except for Lana, Lex, and a priest up front. Wow, this really does not speak well for requiring RSVPs to be done via Sprint text messaging. There are purple lights shooting up the church walls, making me think something's amiss here. The priest asks Lana about loving/comforting/honoring Lex. All at the same time? That sounds hard. Is this in the pre-nup? Also, Lana, please pay special attention to the part about "forsaking all others," because you see Clark, like, every damn day. Lana, wearing really deep, dark, crazy red lipstick and heavy eye makeup, says, "I do." Lex, wearing a white suit and white tie, smirks. He puts the wedding band on Lana's finger, to the ginormous engagement ring. Lana grins. Lex suddenly grunts. Lana's grin goes even wider, and with that lipstick, we're in "Black Hole Sun" territory. "Lex! Oh my God, Lex!" Lana exclaims. Lex, surprised, looks down. The front of his shirt is red with blood. Lex's mouth is bloody, too. He grunts and falls. Clark -- wearing the suit from his bed, minus the tie -- is standing behind Lex. Not in the church, Clark! Lana stares at Clark with scary eyes. Clark is holding a small sword. "I saved you," he says, seriously. Lana steps forward, unwisely, saying that she loved Lex. Clark says she doesn't mean that. Lana, grimacing, grabs Clark's hand, the one still holding the bloody sword. "Lana!" Clark warns. She pulls the blade right into her belly with a grunt. Lana's mouth is open in a big O.

"NOOO!" Clark yells, sitting up in bed. He looks around the room. The camera zooms in on the suit and tie, hanging up on the inside of the bedroom door. Clark breathes deeply. Best dream ever!

Strange thing, this episode. It goes back and forth in time. Hope you don't mind. We are alerted to this by a wedding invitation card with a cursive "LL" at the top. The text reads, "Wedding Day. 11:03 am." Got that? It's before noon.

Clark walks into the barn wearing his blue t-shirt/red jacket combo. He grabs a bale of hay and pitches it up to the second floor, not caring that he's hitting the wooden rail and breaking it. Hay! Stop that! Clark, not satisfied, throws another bale and really breaks the shit out of the rail. He stops himself, looks up, and sighs. "Stupid railing! I never liked you! YOU did this to Lana!" Clark's cell phone rings. Throw it upstairs, Clark! "Shouldn't you be at the Luthor mansion? Arranging flowers?" Clark asks. The telemarketer from Hilton resorts has no idea what to make of that. The caller on the line is actually Chloe, who says that she kinda needs Clark's help. We cut to her in a dark wine cellar; she says she's downstairs in the Luthor mansion. She doesn't seem particularly alarmed about her predicament.

We hear a whoosh, and then Clark calling Chloe's name. Clark is in the wine cellar, but outside the dungeon-like room where Chloe is trapped. He calls her name again. "Hurry! I'm freezing in here!" she calls back. Clark goes to a big steel door. He pulls on a handle, but it breaks off. Clark pulls the entire rounded steel door off. Chloe, shivering, thanks Clark for the help. Clark tells her that time she wants a bottle of wine at 11 AM, she should go for a red. Oh, you witty alien. You do so have a way with a bon mot, Clarkerton. As Clark solders the door hinges back with his heat peepers, Chloe apologizes. She says that Lana asked her to go find Lex's hidden wedding present, and that the door shut on its own. Clark sees the wedding gift: it's a tiny, baby blue box with a white bow. Clark makes a face and says that he'd better go. "That's it?" Chloe asks. You were expecting some flowers, Chloe, maybe? She says that Clark fulfilled his damsel-in-distress quota for the day, and is now just gonna walk away. Clark asks what he's supposed to do. Chloe, nicely lit for this being in a basement, says that she always thought Clark would swoop in and save the day. Didn't he do just that? "If Lana didn't want to marry Lex, she wouldn't," Clark replies. Now, if you'll excuse him, he's got some photos to throw and some world wars to start. Chloe says that Lana's not her hero, Clark is. You wouldn't know it by this show. Chloe starts to say it's crazy, this idea that Clark is still keeping his identity secret and giving up the person he totally loves. "I'm protecting [Lana]," Clark says gruffly. "Good job," Chloe says without pity. "She's marrying a monster and trapping herself into a loveless life." Putting aside that Chloe has loved Clark in the past, this is kind of last-minute tough love for someone who hasn't been able to say this stuff directly to Lana. This whole conversation doesn't flatter Chloe. Clark asks if she thinks this is easy for him. She says it's easier than getting hurt. It's not really easier than watching this show, though. Clark squints. Chloe says that Clark doesn't hesitate to save lives because of his iron flesh. But she says that, the one time it means putting his heart on the line, "the man of steel is nowhere to be found." I don't say this too often, but shut it, Chloe. Clark says that letting Lana go is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Not watching your dad get buried? Or finding your former wife dead? Clark, teary-eyed, says that if Chloe doesn't know that about him, she doesn't know him very well. He turns to go, and superzips out. Chloe's hair goes flying. She seems a little emotional herself.

Kent Farm. Clark sits in the living room, holding his father's wristwatch in his hand. An inscription on the back reads, "To JK. The love of my life. MK." The door opens. MamaKent enters, holding a garment bag and a shopping bag. "How'd you know dad was the one?" Clark asks before the door has even closed. MamaKent stops her walking. Clark asks how she knew Bo Duke felt the same way. Slowly, she says, "I think when you're young, like you are...like we were...nothing is that simple." Thanks? She comes to sit near Clark, saying she knows that this is a tough day for Clark. He says that he can't help wondering whether all the things he told himself about protecting Lana might have just been excuses because he was scared. MamaKent smiles ruefully: "Then you'd be just like the rest of us." But with eye lasers. MamaKent reveals that she and Bo Duke almost didn't get married. Even though it was marriage wishes at first sight. MamaKent tells Clark that she broke off their relationship after a year; they had a horrible argument, and she didn't think she'd ever see him again. But then Bo carried a boom box to the lawn outside her window, played "In Your Eyes," and bellowed, "This precarious relationship isn't just gonna repair itself!" MamaKent says that they came from such different worlds (yeah, but not planets), and that they were on very different paths. He wanted to farm. She wanted to not be broke-ass and clad in flannel for the rest of her life. MamaKent says, as if recounting a great adventure, that the odds were stacked against them. Also stacked against them? Miles of hay. Clark asks why MamaKent and Bo Duke got back together. A little dreamily, MamaKent says, "Because I...because I couldn't stop thinking about him." It's hard to get that manly bellow out of your head. Just ask the cows. They've never really recovered. Clark, whose right cheek is illuminated by very fuzzy lighting, seriously says, "What if I take that risk?" But Bo's already dead and buried! Why would you do a sick thing like...oohhhhh, with Lana. Eh, heck, why not? Clark asks what'll happen if he does that and Lana really is happier with Lex. Them's the breaks, Smallville. MamaKent says that if she hadn't taken that chance, she'd have lost everything that's ever meant something to her. So, now she's telling Clark to go after Lana after telling him to back off. Mixed signals much, Ma? No wonder your kid's so screwed up. At this rate, he's going to be The Riddler, not Superman. She pats Clark and looks at him hopefully as the hamster wheel in Clark's brain turns, very...very...slowly. He keeps fingering the watch, hoping that it'll tell him what time to change out the exhausted, frazzled hamster. He smirks just a tiny bit, which is code for a lightbulb having gone on over his head and a hamster dropping a pellet of synaptic conclusion.

Lana's bedroom. She's in a chair, writing with a very fancy pen. There's a fire going to her. I have no idea what month this is supposed to be. Clark is watching her from the doorway. It's not un-creepy. Romantic music plays, which might have been fine in Season 1 or Season 2, but now just makes you mean-mad and causes your pulse to go, "GRRRR!" "Clark!" Lana exhales, as if it's the first time she's been through this shit. "I can't let you go through with this," Clark says, quickly, like a robot at 45 RPM instead of the required 33. "Unless you know everything," he finishes. Lana puts her down her pen and tells Clark that he doesn't have to explain. After all this crap, now it's all right for him to keep it to himself? You stupid, stupid girl. Clark says that he owes it to Lana. She says that he doesn't. I owe them both hard smacks. "I'm the one who's been in denial," says Lana. Not just about this, either. She's the Queen of Denial...of like...the Continent of Everything is Perfect...that is part of the Planet of AlMiles Trying to Turn Themselves into the LanaStar. You see what I did there, trying to save that Queen of Denial cliché and it didn't work out? Let this be a lesson to aspiring comedy writers. Sometimes it's best to shut up and plow ahead for another 4,000 words than to try to be clever. Lana sniffles that she thought the love she has with Lex would be enough. How about the engagement you have with Lex, Lana? Remember when you said yes? Oh, and that baby in your belly? You might want to think about that, too. Like, right now. Lana says that she can't keep turning her back on the truth. How about not turning your back on the guy you said you'd marry? Clark can't believe what he's hearing. "What're you saying?" he asks. "I'm not going to marry Lex," Lana whispers, hoarsely. Well, fuck, of course not. It's only been building up to this all season. Why follow through now? Maybe there's no video camera in Lana's bedroom, but I'm sure some listening device in the house must have picked that up. Lana says that she doesn't have time to explain now (why not do like this episode and go back in time?), but that she'll meet Clark at the barn at 5. Clark blinks. "You have to go," says Lana. "I'll be there. I promise." She kisses Clark. "Go," she whispers after Clark has gotten his little PG-rated jollies. Clark rushes out. Lana looks like she wants to cry. Another door in the room opens. Lana turns dramatically as dark music plays. We don't see who's there. We go out to commercials on a creepy note.

Boost Mobile. Ten times more urban than anything you'll see on Smallville.

We come back to a strange camera pan that lands on Lex's right eye. He's in a chair in a dark room, watching a huge projection of the ultrasound. We can clearly see a baby's face and hear its heartbeat. Guys, this is some creepy shit right here. The baby turns its head toward Lex. Its eyes glow white and it growls. HOLY SHIT! Guys, seriously, this is freaky. Lex wakes up in bed. Thank God. Another second of this and I'd have been sending in an incomplete recap with a note: "Sorry. I was p0wned by Kuato." Lex sits up in bed. Alone, of course. He's got a really nice bedroom that we've never seen before. It looks like a hotel room. Lex turns to the pillow to him. There's a dent, but Lana is gone. Wait, is this Lana's bedroom? They're sleeping together? Well, color me surprised. No, wait, don't color me. I like my skintone.

Let's do the time warp again! An invitation title card says, "LL" and "Wedding Day. 7:14 am." Wow, it sucks to be up that early on your wedding day. Lex enters his lair. Lana is standing in her nightgown to the fire. Listen, I know you guys are obsessed with living in a castle, but 7:14 AM is too fucking early for a fire! Lay off it, already! Lex asks how Lana slept. "Like a baby," she says. Maybe that's because of the actual baby inside her gut. Lex lies that he did, too. He says that maybe they should just forget all this and elope. You're both crazy, you know that? Lana says, smiling, that it would be a big waste of 400 game hens. Lex tells her that it's a big day, and that it's all right to be nervous. Lana says that she knows, and tells him that she has a few loose ends to tie up. She says that she has to go meet Chloe and get ready. She kisses Lex lightly and tells him she'll meet him at the church. Or not, you know. Whatever happens, happens. Don't wait up. Lex watches her go. He's not thrilled.

LuthorCorp building, downtown Metropolis. Lex stands behind the desk, staring out the big windows. A familiar long coat appears on the periphery of the screen. "Busy day at the office?" asks a magnificent and bastardous voice. We watch Lex through the window as he says he had some papers to sign before the wedding; he has his back to Papa Luthor. Papa tells Lex that maybe he's avoiding the fact that he's got nobody to be with and nothing to do. Harshness! Lex, amused and resigned, holds ups his hands and says, "Fine, Dad, you pegged me." If only Clark would do that to him again. Lex admits that he's a little nervous. Papa starts to say something, stops, and then continues again. He asks whether Lex remembers when he was a little boy and Papa would bring him up to the office. Lex says that he would pretend he controlled everything. Papa Luthor chuckles. Lex says that he pretended he could move the cars and pull the strings to control everything. He says that it's all out of our control, really. "I should hope I taught you better than that," Papa tells him, brushing imaginary lint of Lex's shoulder. Lex says that ever since he's been with Lana, he wakes up every day wondering if this is the day she'll see who he really is. That's no way to live, friend! "What if she doesn't show?" asks Lex. He says he doesn't know what his life is without her. How about what it was like before you got together, Lex? You had a lot more fire in your belly back then. Frankly, you were a lot more fun. Lex stares out the window. Papa asks what Lex would be willing to do to make sure Lana stands at the altar that afternoon. I really don't like this literal turn Papa Luthor has taken. Lex stares at him, and then says he'd do anything. "Then she will be. I promise you," says Papa, putting a hand on Lex's shoulder. Foreboding music plays. Lex's cell rings as Papa walks out. He says that it's his wedding day, and that whatever it is can wait. "Is something wrong?" asks Lex. Papa Luthor hangs out just outside the door, listening. "I'll meet you there," says Lex, and puts the phone away.

More time warping. "Wedding Day. 4:43 pm." We see a very nice, if old-school-looking church. Or is this just another side of the castle? I can never tell. Some kids are rolling out a carpet down past the front steps. Inside...is a foggy crypt? Are you fucking kidding me? The Crypt Keeper jumps out and goes, "Hello, boys and ghouls! Come to blow off a little scream?! Tonight, a tale so ghastly it takes some skin off my back! The horrifying tale of how Lana Lang became more important than Superman on this show! Yeehee ha ha ha ha!" Lex is seriously walking around a basement crypt calling for Dr. Langston. And there is seriously fog on the ground. I guess they were having a sale on fog machines at the Vancouver Spencer's Gifts. The doctor appears. "Is this about Lana?" asks Lex. No, it's about your future, young man! How would you like to buy a nice cement burial place? Dr. Langston freelances on the side as an undertaker. It is, in fact, the side career he has undertaken. I'll be dead before I get tired of that joke. Lex asks if Lana is all right. Langston, standing a ways off, says that's a bit ambiguous, given what Lex has done to her. What, putting his dirty penis into her? I was hoping this doctor wouldn't be so preachy. Lex tells the doctor that, in a few minutes, he's going to be exchanging rings just above where the doctor is standing. He asks what's so urgent that it couldn't wait. Langston starts stepping forward, a creepy man in a creepy crypt set. He says that he wouldn't want to get in the way of Lex and his beautiful bride. He menacingly adds that it would be the truth about her condition that might get in the way. "For your sake," says Lex, with a threatening step forward, "I hope I'm not understanding you." The doctor tells Lex to consider it payment hazard pay for the dangerous and unethical position Lex put him in. Daaaaamn! Lex says that today is the day Langston holds the most leverage. Langston hands Lex a card and tells him to wire $2 million to the account, or Lana will know everything. That seems fairly cheap, given that Lex spends that much just to change the floor tiles at 33.1 every few months. Does that mean Lana will have to find a new doctor? The doctor tries to walk off. Lex stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder, and says he doesn't give in to blackmail. The doctor tells Lex that no man sinks as low as Lex has if he isn't driven by desperation. Now he's a psychologist, too? He doesn't advise Lex put Lana's love to the test. Lex waits just a moment, and then starts punching the shit out of the doctor, right in the face. Organ music from upstairs starts to play a Tim Burton suite, drowning out the noise. Rock it, Bach! Lex keeps punching and punching the dude in the face. Edgar Allan Poe smiles in his sodden grave. More punching. "I won't let you take her away from me!" Lex growls. Lex raises his fist for one more punch. He lets go instead. The doctor falls backward. He hits the back of his head right on the edge of a concrete coffin. He lands on the floor. The organ music rises dramatically. This is wedding music? Lex looks surprised and scared. The doctor looks pretty dead. Smell ya later, Langston.

We get a coffin's-eye view of Lex moving aside a lid. He dumps the doctor's body into the vessel. Closes the lid. The organ music continues incessantly. That organ player is really going at it.

Cut to Lex washing his bloody hands in a sink. Out, damn blackmailing doctor stain! There's a knock at the bathroom door. Lex says he'll be right there. He puts his white shirt back on and notices a small blood stain on his shirt cuff. Lex puts on his suit jacket to cover the spot. He opens the door. Chloe, her hair up and her face worried, is in the doorway. Lex asks if it's time. "It was. Ten minutes ago," Chloe replies. Chloe says that Lana isn't there, and that nobody knows where she is. Oh, SNAP! Lex looks devastated.

Commercials. Ads that take place in the gym always make me think of the word "Bro-han" for some reason. Maybe I was traumatized there once.

Third dream sequence. There's a familiar tornado on the horizon. Lana is in a truck, freaking out. Clark, in his suit, is hanging on in the open doorway of the driver's side. "Lana!" he calls. Lana looks at him. Clark dives into the truck to save her. Lana wakes up. In bed. Surprised. She looks over and sees Lex sleeping. She quietly gets up and puts on her robe. So, twisted chronology, musical montages, and parallel dreams? You are so ambitious this week, Smallville. Maybe you should have stuck to doing right by the characters instead. Wedding invite title card: "Wedding Day. 7:09 am." Lana is in Lex's bookcases looking through a scrapbook. I'm not sure if it's hers or one of Lex's. There are press clippings from The Torch. One of them, Lana finds, shows her picture; the headline reads, "Local girl survives tornado." The article is tiny. Lana hears somebody coming. She shoves the big book back on the shelf. She goes to stand by the fire downstairs. Lex walks into the room. They have the same conversation as before about how she slept like a baby and now Lex thinks they should just elope. Lana makes the same lame joke about the game hens. She tells Lex that she needs to meet up with Chloe, and that she'll meet Lex at the church. They kiss. This time, as Lana walks off, we see a dark and determined look on her face.

Lana is her room staring at one of their wedding invitations. She's crying. There's a knock at her open door. "Aunt Nell!" Lana says in surprise. Wow, now I'm surprised. Nasty Nell! In the flesh! How bitter must she be that they waited this long to bring her back? Nell hugs Lana and says that she's been looking forward to this day. Yeah, no fucking kidding. They've got syndication and DVD money now! Residuals! Nell's wearing a strange white peasant top. Don't you have a wedding to dress for, Aunty? Nell says that she's so proud of Lana. For becoming...what, exactly? Nell says she wouldn't miss this day for anything. Not for recasting or pilot season or a guest spot on House or...all right, maybe a guest spot on House. Nell tells Lana that this may be the most important day of her life. Lana, looking conflicted, says that it's just... She sits down with a sigh, and blah blahs about having something in your life that you can't get past, even if you're tried every way to be fair and honest about whether it's all right to bend the rules just once. Just once, Lana? Nell asks what would put her doubts to rest. "The truth," Lana replies. Oh, here we go. Geez. Nell warns Lana that she can't go to that altar with anything unresolved. Nell says that we do what we have to do to protect ourselves. Where were you with that advice over the last five seasons?

More time-bending title cards. "Wedding Day. 10:55 am." Lana is walking down the hallway as Chloe follows her, holding a plant and some gifts. Chloe tells Lana that she's due for her final dress fitting at 3 (isn't that cutting it a bit close?), and that the limo's picking her up at 3:30. Chloe, aware that Lana's not listening to her, adds that she's got naked-male Jell-O wrestling at 5. "Lana," says Chloe, "look at me." Lana has been driven to distraction. Probably via town car. Chloe doesn't think Lana slept at all the night before. Lana says that there's been a lot of pressure. Chloe says that since it's Lana's big day, she'll pretend that she doesn't see right through that. Lana thinks that's a great idea. Chloe asks what else she can do. Lana tells Chloe that she hid Lex's wedding gift in the wine cellar so that he wouldn't find it. Chloe says she doesn't mind being a personal gopher. Lana tells her that the gift is behind the Bollinger in the cooler. Little blue box, white bow. Chloe, her hands still full of stuff, goes. Lana watches her. Sneaky Lana!

Cut to Chloe in the wine cellar. There's almost enough wine here to get Keith Urban drunk! She finds the ridiculously heavy door to the cooler and enters. Chloe scoffs in appreciation: "Holy Dom Pérignon!" Among the thousands of wine cubbies, Chloe somehow finds the gift straightaway. The door closes behind her with a squeak. Chloe exhales in defeat. On the other side, Lana is locking the hinge door handle. Chloe didn't hear the lock turn? She bangs on the door, and then puts her back against it in defeat. "Perfect," she mutters. She immediately pulls out her cell and calls Lana. On the other side of the door, Lana's phone buzzes. She looks at it guiltily, but doesn't answer. Instead, she goes and hides among the shelves of wine bottles. "Come on, Lana," Chloe says into her phone, "pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up." Lana doesn't. "Shoot," Chloe says. She dials again. This time it's Clark. He does his unfunny line about Chloe being at the Luthor mansion arranging flowers. Chloe says that she's at the mansion, but that she needs Clark's help. This time, when Clark whooshes in, Lana is watching from the wine bottles. She watches Clark walk to the door, break the handle, and pull off the door. It's not quite as dramatic as when Chloe found out Clark's secret. Lana sneaks closer to the doorway so that she can hear Chloe and Clark have it out about telling Lana his secret. She watches in amazement as Clark eyejaculates at the door hinges. The scene is no more convincing when seen from Lana's point of view. The entire scene plays out again; if you want to know what was said, just skip back in the recap a few pages. Lana's eyes dart all around, moist, as she listens to Chloe and Clark talk about her. From a recapping standpoint, I don't mind when a scene plays out multiple times. Copy-'n-paste, y'all! This time, when Clark whooshes out, he's there, and then just disappears in an instant. Chloe's hair flies. I actually really like that they did it this way. We're seeing what Clark's disappearing acts look like to someone else. Lana goes teary.

"Wedding Day. 1:35 pm." Lana is in her chair by the fire, writing her little note. She's trying really hard to be emotionally conflicted. Clark appears at the door. Again. We repeat the bit about him revealing his big secret and Lana telling him he doesn't have to. It's much lamer the second time around. I decide against trying the Queen of Denial joke again. Lana wants to meet Clark at the barn. She kisses him. He leaves. This time, we see the person coming in through the other door. It's Papa Luthor: "Miss Lang!" He suavely checks his watch and asks if she shouldn't be on her way to the church right now. Naw, dude, that's at 3:30. He sees a note on the end table. "What's this?" he asks. He reaches for it. Lana tries to be slick and get it before he does, but the Bastard is Fast as well as Magnificent. He gives Lana a hilarious stink-eye and scoffs. Then reads the note. In huge, child-like cursive letters, it reads, "Dear Lex, Iâm so sorry but I can't go through with this." Papa's mood darkens. "This will destroy Lex," he says. Yeah, it will. And Lana's handwriting coach. Lana says she's sorry, but that it's none of Papa's business. Papa says that he's making it his business. He says he can't let Lana call off the wedding. This is what I don't get: why doesn't Lana call off the wedding then, and not leave Lex at the altar waiting? That's just cruel and unnecessary. She could have easily had Chloe tell Lex and the priest not to wait. Papa Luthor folds the note in half. This shit's gonna get a pretty penny on eBay. Lana says that things have changed, and that it wouldn't be fair to pretend that things haven't. Papa thinks for just a moment before saying, "You know Clark's secret, don't you?" Lana doesn't have the poker face to deny it. Papa says that he's been watching Lana since she started seeing Lex. He circles her as he says she's been getting closer and closer to the "shocking" truth about Clark. He mocks her for not figuring it out when it was happening right under her nose. Lana turns and says that Clark was trying to protect her. Papa Luthor chuckles. Fiercely, Lana says that Clark isn't going to let Papa threaten him now. Papa goes bad-ass: he tells Lana that Clark's not invincible. He says that, like every hero, Clark has an Achilles's Heel, and that Papa knows what it is. And: "I know that it could kill him." "No," says Lana, "you could never hurt him." "Would you bet...Clark's life on that?" he asks. Papa Luthor makes a promise, and it's bone-chilling: "If you don't honor the promise that you've made to my son, or I find out you told anyone about this conversation, I will KILL. Clark Kent." Holy moly! Lana is completely destroyed. At least something good came out of this episode. Dark music accompanies Papa Luthor making a grand exit. Lana sniffles as the music crescendos. Don't you even think about killing him off, Smallville. Or I will KILL. A sentence in a recap. In effigy. Don't make me do it!

Commercials. It wouldn't be watching CW TV in Texas without some truck commercials.

The church. This is probably the only church I've ever seen that doesn't have a big sign proclaiming what it is. First Eviltarian Church of Smallville? Our Lady of Perpetual Worship (Lana Orthodox)? Holy Roly Poly Unitarian and Creepy Crypt Eternal? Inside, guests are seated, and the church really is using those evil purple lights. Hail Satan! This takes place right after Lex killed Dr. Langston. He's walking down the aisle with Chloe, who tells him that Lana vanished and won't answer her cell. He's got a big dusty rose pinned his lapel. Chloe's bridesmaid dress is dark purple and strapless. She says she thinks there must be an explanation for all this. Papa Luthor, standing, gives them a sidelong glance as they pass. Lex walks to the altar. Nell and MamaKent, sitting to each other uncomfortably, watch. Lex, nervously, asks the priest if Lana said anything to him to indicate trouble. "Be patient, Lex," the priest says soothingly. "Give her a little more time. Wedding-day jitters are to be expected." Lex turns to the audience and tries to smile. Shot of the very bright opening of the door to the church. There's no Lana to be found. Lex looks to Papa Luthor. Papa betrays a small smile. People in the audience shift in the pews and chatter. Nell starts to say something, but we cut away from her. Maybe she was going to tell MamaKent what a good lay Bo was back in the day. Much more chattering. "She's not coming," says Lex, twitching.

The Barnness of Cheesitude. Clark, his white shirt collar open, is holding out a ring. He talks toward us, but just off to the side. "I've loved you since the first moment I saw you," he says. "Will you marry me?" We cut to Shelby, looking embarrassed for the silly master. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Like we haven't seen this set-up a million times. "Too corny, huh?" asks Clark. Yeah. Just a bit. You might want to dial it down about 10,000 notches. Clark gets up from his one knee and sits on the couch. He shifts nervously and plays with Shelby's head.

The church. The wedding march plays. Everyone looks back in surprise. Papa Luthor turns. Nell and MamaKent turn. Lex turns. The priest is like, "I told you so. Don't bet against God, buddy." Lana appears in the doorway. No Henry Small? No bridesmaids to walk down the aisle first? No cute flower children? Just Lana? Lame! Lex walks down the altar steps in amazement. Two ushers close the doors behind Lana. She carries her bouquet and walks slowly. MamaKent and Nell watch. Chloe looks happy for her friend, not at all upset that she's about to ruin her life. More walking down the aisle. The only people at the altar are the priest, Chloe, Lex, and Papa Luthor. Why couldn't Nell be up there, too? Lana does a great job faking happiness. Lex takes her hands. They climb the stairs.

The barn. Clark sits alone, ring in hand, hanging out with Shelby as the organ song continues. He checks his watch. She did say 5, right? What the fuck!? Clark stands, grabs his jacket and zips out of the barn.

Christ on stained glass. Last Supper. The priest asks Alexander Luthor if he'll take Lana. Love/comfort/honor/keep. Lex likes the "keep her" part. Richer, poorer (not so much), sickness (oh yes), health (we'll see about that), forsaking all others (even Clark?) as long as they both shall live. Lex does. Lana's hair in front of the veil looks puffy and shapeless. Lana puts the ring on Lex's finger. Papa watches for any sign of insolence. Lana's wedding dress is strapless and pretty ugly at the top and front. It looks like she's got rolls. The priest goes through Lana's part of the vows. Clark stands in the back of the church. MamaKent notices him. Clark, hurt, just watches. Papa Luthor sees Clark, too, and smirks. Lana sees him. She turns reluctantly back to Lex, tries to smile, and says, "I do." Close-up on Clark. He's angry. You wouldn't like him angry. Lex breathes a huge sigh of relief. He puts the ring on Lana's finger. They hold hands awkwardly. MamaKent feels bad for Clark. Papa Luthor doesn't. Lana is crying. Lex wipes a tear from Lana's cheek. She tries to smile for him. The priest presents Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Luthor as the organ music starts up again. Hey, can you play that really scary music from earlier when that guy was getting killed? I think it was called "The Crypt Keeper's Suite." Because Lana's really the girl of my screams! Yee hee ha ha ha! Lex and Lana turn to the audience. Lana ain't happy. Clark is gone. Lex couldn't be happier. Lots of applause as they kiss. Clark is still in the church, but around the corner and out of sight. He broods.

Commercials. Apparently, Propel water will make John Stamos stare at your ass. I'd say it's worth a dollar.

Hey it's the first scene from The Rocky Horror Picture Show! Everyone is outside the church. Smile nicely! Parents, grandparents, yes, all the close family. Inside the church, Lana sits alone, depressed as hell. She didn't have to take pictures or greet everyone? What about a reception? Game hens? Lana stares at herself in the mirror, tearfully. Lex comes up behind her. He says he never thought it was possible to be this happy. He asks how he got so lucky to be the man she spends the rest of her life with. Yeah. "Lucky." Like winning the lottery and they pay you in yearly allotments of shit. Lex kisses the side of Lana's head as she looks overcome with emotion. Lex says that he'll get his things, calling her "Mrs. Luthor."

Once Lex has left the room, Lana really starts to cry. She sobs harshly. There's a knock at the door. She tries to collect herself. Clark is there. Aw, crap. Hey, big fella. It looks like it could be your turn , huh? "I waited for you," he says sadly. "Clark," says Lana. I think he knows his name by now. But I guess it doesn't hurt to be sure. Clark asks what happened. Lana says she's really sorry, and that she didn't mean to hurt Clark; she lies, "But I want to be with Lex." Clark frowns. He says it's not true. Clark goes to her and says that Lex must have gotten to her. Lana tells Clark forcefully to believe her and just let it go. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels. I know that Clark was just following Lana's lead, but he doesn't care that she's pregnant with Lex's baby? This is supposed to be Superman? This whiny emo bitch? "Let it go?" Clark asks. "Let it go," he repeats. "Lana, I love you. I love you." He's Clark Two Times. "Clark, don't," says Lana. Oh, jeez. This is just...bad. Clark asks what Lex did: "You don't have to stay with him!" Dude, she's married. Lana says that Lex didn't do anything, and that she's made her decision. He did kill someone for her. Lana says that she just wants to be with Lex. Clark asks why she keeps saying that. He tells her that they should be together, and that he wants this more than he's ever wanted anything. Tough titty, Mr. Self-Pity. Clark says he knows that Lana wants this, too. Pouting, Lana shakes her head and makes a bunch of teary faces. Gulping, she says that she's had a change of heart. Clark blinks. Lana tries to walk away. Clark doesn't think she means that. She cries and makes a monkey face. Clark asks if this is because of his secret. No, it's because you're a lesbian. He says he'll tell Lana, and that he's not like everyone else. Oy, this is getting desperate. Lana sputters that he has to go. "No," he says. He makes her look him in the eye and say she'd rather spend the rest of her life with Lex Luthor. That almost never works. Lana toughens up and says she's sorry. "I love Lex," she says, staring Clark in the eyes. She walks out of the room. Wow. Sucks to be Clark right now. But doesn't it always? Heart? Broken.

Lex, in another room of the church, is looking at his wedding band and basking in the afterglow. A door opens. It's Papa Luthor. He congratulates Lex, who says he's sure that's not the only reason Papa Luthor is there. Papa says that he's glad that the wedding euphoria hasn't tempered Lex's cynicism. Lex says that old habits die hard. Papa says that, apparently, some are to impossible to kill. "Aren't they?" he asks, darkly. Lex chuckles and asks if Papa Luthor stays up at night practicing this stuff. Papa Luthor rears back and bitchslaps Lex right across the mouth. YES! That was awesome! Lex's lower lip is bloody. Papa asks how Lex could be so stupid. Blame the writing, maybe? Papa says that Lex is a grown man on his wedding day and still needs Papa to come to the rescue: "You are pathetic." Lex pretends not to know what he's talking about. Papa says that there's a crypt down below that's gotten a little overcrowded. Lex wipes the blood from his lip and says it was an accident. "Of course it was," Papa Luthor says smartly. "You don't have the guts to plan a successful murder." He says that if anyone were to stumble upon the corpse and figure out that it's the doctor, they just might find out the truth about Lana's pregnancy. Checkmate! Lex is totally defeated. "She's made a desperate man out of you, Lex," Papa says. You'll get no disagreement here. Still desperate, Lex says that Papa wins. Whatever Papa wants, he can have. Control of LuthorCorp, 33.1, whatever. Papa smoothly says that Lex will know when it's time for Papa to collect. Lex's blood is gone. Lana walks in without knocking. Papa and Lex play it off like they were having a warm heart-to-heart. Lex thanks his father. Lana says that she didn't mean to interrupt. Papa comes to her, addressing her as Mrs. Luthor. He kisses her cheek and says, "Welcome to the family." Oy!

Are you ready for another musical montage? Patty Griffin's "Heavenly Day" plays. If only it were. Lana smiles at Lex, who doesn't seem so happy anymore. Slow-motion on Lex and Lana leaving the church five hours later. People throw confetti and rose petals as cameras flash. We don't recognize anybody in the crowd. Lex and Lana walk to a black town car. Lana enters the vehicle. Lex sees Clark hanging in the back, his shirt collar open. Clark frowns. Lex gives Clark a defiant look and enters the car. Lex and Lana kiss in the car. She fakes happiness well. She glances back and sees Clark. He scowls at her, hungrily. She is sad as she and Lex drive off. Lex doesn't notice that Lana is giving Clark the moony eyes? The car's license plate is "LL," of course. Lana turns back toward us. Close-up on her eyes. She's got a lot to think about. We go to black as the song concludes on the words, "Heavenly day." You're too good for this, Patty.

Miles: Boy, we sure screwed this show up, didn't we?
Al: We sure did, Miles. We sure did. Who wants pie?
Miles: ME!

week: lots of wrestling action! No more of this pussy wedding relationship bullshit. Blargh!