Two dudes playing basketball in California see a meteor fall and create a crater in the ground. They go to investigate. The evil wraith from the Phantom Zone possesses one of them and blasts the other guy. It's Bow Wow (no longer Li'l), and he's angry! How now, Bow Wow? Phantom Bow Wow races across the country, stealing energy from nuclear power plants as he heads toward Kansas. Meanwhile, Raya appears, safe and cute. She tells Clark what an awesome dad Jarnelle was, and that Clark's training should be going swell by now. Oops. Clark hasn't started his training yet? Like we didn't notice. Jimmy James Olsen investigates Lex after sneaking some photos of Lana meeting with Dr. Grohl in the back of one of Lex's many vehicles. It turns out Grohl is scared, and is taking off. He just wanted to warn Lana that she might be in danger, too. Lex, tipped off by Jimmy's clumsy attempt at fishing for info, confronts Lana. They bicker about trust and lies and the Kryptonian coaster and it's just really, really boring. Lana has changed her tune about using the device even though she was just saying that it could save humanity. Phantom Bow Wow comes to Lex's place and uses the coaster as a power source. Doing that turns it to dust, which makes the Lana/Lex debate on what to do with it moot. PBW goes after Clark and Raya, who try to revive the Fortress. Phantom Bow Wow shoots a beam at Raya and kills her, but not before Clark defeats Bow Wow with his mini-Kryptonian Superman Crest. Raya lives long enough to tell Clark she's sad that she won't get to see his training montage. For some reason, she's not able to heal herself from her wounds even though that's one of her powers and Clark does it all the time. I guess they just really wanted her dead. Clark tells MamaKent that he's ready to accept his destiny and that he plans to begin his training...but not before he's captured or killed all the Phantom Zone escapees. So, what...one season? Two?
Just when I thought the San Antonio CW station had cleaned up its act with the closed captioning, here they've disappeared again. Damn you, CW!
A song by Bow Wow (no longer so Li'l) blares out of a tubular boom box as we zip through a dusty basketball court where two guys are playing. Hilariously, a title card reads, "6 weeks ago...Oakland, California." Oakland? Seriously? There's not even any sun out. This looks about as Californian as Kazakhstan. I feel bad for the guy with no shirt on having to pretend he's not freezing his ass off in Vancouver. To my ears, the rap song goes like this: "With my bang and my boom and 40-ought and what what they runnin' my block like a Tinkerbell Popsicle with the ice runny down cold fresh like dis!" See what happens when there's no captioning? One of the two basketball players, with the shirt on, has dreads. The other guy playing one-on-one, without a shirt, is Bow Wow, all grow'd up. I loved your dad on Dancing with the Stars. Wait, that was Li'l Romeo. My bad. The camera keeps flashing to white whenever somebody makes a shot. Bow Wow dribbles the ball and tells his friend he's gotta learn how to tango. See, what's where the Dancing with the Stars thing confused me. He puts a hand on his friend's head, goes around him, and makes a basket with the funky fresh lay-up. Are lay-ups still funky fresh? Did that get stale? His friend tries to make a shot, but Bow Wow is there with the massive rejection. All right, we get it. Bow Wow is a balla'. He makes the O-face as he's getting ready to shoot again. More white flashes. Lots more basketball action. More rap: "With my homies and our Cheez-Its and a cracker real orange. He ain't got it, he ain't got it, that ain't no cheddar skeez." Bow Wow makes a final shot. He flexes his tiny, yet effective chest, balls up his fists and bellows, "AND THAT'S GAME!" I should hope so, young man.
Bow Wow pats his friend on the chest and says, "Guess you won't be dancing with the stars!" More confusion in my brain. His friend is all bitter, like, "I was never invited." Bow Wow tells his friend he needs to pony up. Is that...sexual? Friend of Bow says he's crazy (he so crazy!), and that he wants to try two out of three the night. Bow Wow, rockin' the education, says he can't because he's going to be studying. Dread Friend says Bow Wow needs to "square [him] up!" You seem plenty square already, my friend. They both hear a boom and turn to their right. They're looking at ground level, yet what's making the sound is far up above in the sky. A bright light breaks into seven pieces and splits into different directions. It looks like fireworks. They turn from the right to the left, which still doesn't seem to line up with how high that thing was coming from. The beam of light slams into the ground nearby, behind a small building and out of sight. Friend of Bow Wow looks stoned and doesn't react. Bow Wow lets his mouth hand open and blinks. Carrying his basketball, he rushes over to see what's up. Friend of Bow Wow is more cautions. "Don't go back there!" he calls. "Don't you ever watch movies?" Didn't you see Roll Bounce!? Roll your ass back here so we can bounce ourselves home! Friend of Bow Wow purses his lips in frustration.
We cut to train tracks between big buildings where the thing landed. Bow Wow approaches a fiery crater. He's like, "No way!" And still carrying that basketball. Something stirs at the center of the crater. Like a decent maxi pad, it has wings. The thing turns. It's one of the not-so-friendly wraiths from the Phantom Zone! Hey wraith, nice to see -- ACK! It leaps straight at us, which is to say right toward Bow Wow. He finally drops the basketball. Isn't this wraith supposed to be a ghost? Would he really cause a crater in the ground? I guess he takes up mass when he attacks, too. The basketball rolls away. Friend of Bow Wow is there to grab it. "Yo," says Dread Friend, "that's some creepy creepy, man." I'm going to talk just like that. You can call me Two-Time Omar when I say that this show is homo homo, man. Bow Wow, now possessed by the wraith, repeats the line in a low, scary voice: "That's some creepy creepy, man." It is creepy creepy! In a normal voice, he asks, "Where is Kal-El?" 8 PM Thursdays, CW Network. I can understand the confusion. "What-El?" Friend of Bow Wow asks. Bow Wow repeats the question. Friend of Bow Wow can't provide any answers. So Bow Wow blasts him with a large purple beam of energy that seems to shoot for miles. THAT-EL, punk! Friend of Bow Wow has disintegrated into floating, still-fiery ashes. Bow Wow looks ahead, all evil. He walks past the pile of his former friend. Only a ruined pair of probably very expensive sneakers remain. Bow Wow keeps walking. Opening credits.
Commercials. All right, these LeBron James commercials crack me up.
Metropolis...harbor? Wait just a fucking minute. This is supposed to be KANSAS, jerkoffs. What's with this coastline? Can you get fresh salmon here, too? It's a rainy night. Two expensive-looking cars are parked to each other, facing in opposite directions. The license plate on the black car says, "LEX III." A man in a long coat and carrying a briefcase gets out of one car and ducks over through the rain into LEX III. It's my man, super-sexy scientist Dr. Grohl. Lana is waiting in the car. "Middle of the night. Mysterious meeting. Suspicious briefcase," Lana says. Psst...stop reading the stage directions, Kristin! Lana asks Grohl why he's dealing in all this intrigue. Grohl says that his precautions aren't for dramatic effect. This we already know. Lana asks the doctor if he's in danger. "I think we both are," he says seriously. Grohl hands Lana his briefcase. He says the CDs within contain all his research and theories. "You're quitting," Lana guesses. "I'm disappearing," he tells Lana. Maybe he's made of sugar and the rain will dissolve him. Lana asks if that's not a bit extreme. Like Mountain Dew. Grohl takes a look outside the rainy window. He says that when you're in as deep with the Luthors as they are, you can't just walk away. He then adds they've started military testing. There's still a military here in the U.S.? Lana says Lex didn't tell her that. Grohl adjusts his glasses dramatically, as is his wont. He says there's a lot that Lex probably neglects to tell her. Like how handsome and well-hung Dr. Grohl is known to be. Lana says that Grohl could have just left. Grohl says it's not just himself that he's worried about. Of course, he's got a wife and kids, but the person he's most concerned for is Lana. Lana, Lana, Lana. Even the scientific community has got her back. He suggests Lana get the hell out of Dodge and away from the Luthors. Grohl exits the car. As he ducks out and runs, someone is snapping photos. Cheesy picture border. Someone wearing a hoodie is snapping shots. The camera moves away. We see that it's Jimmy James Olsen. He gets a shot of Lex's license plate.
Kent Farm. The cows say, "Go away. We're making milk." In the barn, Clark is looking at a big printout of a city map and a crater. "Oakland, California," he says. Chloe is there, telling him that authorities blamed the crater on a shooting star. A shooting star? Chloe says that was just wishful thinking. "Sorry," she says. Yes, that line was worthy of an apology. Chloe says that it was six weeks ago, around the time Clark got out of the Phantom Zone. Chloe says the person who landed in the crater has already killed someone, and adds that two boys went missing; all the authorities found were human ashes and a basketball. Clark says that it sounds like heat vision. When did he turn someone into ashes? Chloe says that it's not; whatever did this created a mound of radiation. She says that the day, a nuclear facility twenty miles away was hit. Hit? Clark asks why a "Zoner" would go there. Chloe replies that five researchers were given a "premature cremation" before the radioactive material they were working on was sucked dry. That sucks! Dry! Clark says that it's like the Zoner was feeding on it, and adds that they need to check all the nuclear facilities in the area. "Hello. Um, have you met me?" Chloe asks, and it's very cute. She busts out with her data. She says half a dozen places have been hit, the most recent just outside of Metropolis. She uses the word "continent," but they've all happened in a line across the southwest U.S. heading toward Kansas. Clark notices that it's a straight line. What does he know about straight? Chloe says it's headed directly for Clark. She didn't figure that one out before showing it to him? Chloe rushes out, saying she'll make a list of possible sites within a hundred miles. She says that she'll call Clark. Clark studies the map. I bet he's got it upside-down. He hears rustling outside the barn. He walks toward an open door. A woman approaches. For one horrifying moment, I think that it's Lana. Before we can see her face, Clark says, "Raya!" It is indeed her, looking like she got a makeover and some nice tailored clothes. "Hello, Kal-El," she says. Clark is stunned into silence, which works out all right because the scene is over.
Clark and Raya go walking outside where it's pretty. Clark tells Raya that he was afraid he'd never see her again. He apologizes for leaving her behind in the Phantom Zone to get all knifed up. She says he had no choice and adds that if it weren't for Clark, she'd have never escaped. "I would have never seen all this," she's says, "it's more beautiful than the world your father described." Wow, sucks that she'll only ever see Kansas. Clark asks how Raya found him. Raya says that Clark's father told her about the family he'd chosen for Clark and about Smallville. Jarnelle chose his family? Before Clark was sent? I thought he just shipped the kid off and hoped for the best. Raya says it must have been hard for Clark to grow up here alone. Clark says that he had his parents and friends, but she comes back and says that nobody could have understood him. Clark ponders growing up with such a secret. She says it also must have been a huge rush to race trains and know that nothing could hurt him. Clark says he used to pretend not to notice that Bo watched him sometimes, wanting to know what that felt like. "But he never could," Raya says. Clark doesn't bother to correct her, even though Bo did have those powers at one point. Maybe the show just forgot. Clark says that no matter how he thinks he fits in, he's reminded that he's not normal. Raya says that Clark's not alone. "I'm here," she says. But for how long?
Daily Planet building. Inside, Chloe greets Jimmy, calling him the "Wayward boyfriend." Jimmy, bounding down some stairs, grabs Chloe and plants one right on her. A slightly embarrassed Chloe says they're in the bullpen, not the back of her car. Jimmy says that he hopes to visit there again soon, but advises Chloe first that she should buy a new dress for when they win a Pulitzer. He hands her some photos. He asks if he should rent a tux. Chloe's not too overwhelmed by the pics because one is of just a bumper. Jimmy doesn't know what was happening when he took the photos, but he says he's working on it. Chloe asks who the mystery man is in the trench coat. "I...don't know," Jimmy says. Chloe asks what's in the briefcase. "Something illegal?" he tries. Chloe says it's not a story; it's a hunch. Chloe, already on to checking her mail, asks what Jimmy was doing following Lex around. He says he was being proactive, looking for an A1 shot. He asks if Chloe doesn't think a back-alley handoff is suspicious. Is that what the kids are calling anal play these days? I lose track. Chloe says that Lex getting out of bed in the morning is suspicious, but that you need facts and proof. Jimmy sighs and says, "Thanks for the pop-up commentary." No problem! Jimmy says that he was hoping Chloe would help. She tells Jimmy that she's dealt with the Luthors before, and that the kind of ball they play is very, very hard. Like hardball? Jimmy says he'd better bring his bat. He tells her he appreciates the help. But not really. "Jimmy," Chloe says as he walks away. Just as she's following, Bow Wow shows up, suddenly appearing and scaring her. He asks which way it is to the archives. Chloe points the way. He furrows his brow and walks purposefully. Chloe asks if he's one of the new interns, but he ignores the question. Nobody's noticed that he's not wearing an ID badge? Bow Wow walks out.
Bow Wow is sitting at a computer, scanning old newspapers on screen. They flash quickly as the headlines are projected across his face. Scary music plays. He's getting his journalisms on! His hand is hovering above the computer mouse. The archive stops. "Kal-El," he says menacingly. Wow. This was less than frightening.
Commercials. Yes, there's at least one more commercial break than usual this week. Guess they had trouble filling forty-four minutes. Oh, Ron Livingston. Sprint commercials? Really?
Stately Luthor Manor. Inside, Lex is sitting at his desk, speaking on the phone. He's looking at a weird diagram with Kryptonian shapes all over it. "What do you mean Grohl's lab was cleaned out?" he's asking. It was awful! They had scrubbing bubbles! Lex asks where all the research went. "Just find him!" he bellows. One of Lex's security guys opens a door and bring in with him Jimmy, who is lugging his big Nikon strapped around his neck. Lex hangs up his phone. The dumb security guy leaves the door wide open. Jimmy approaches Lex's desk. He thanks Lex for seeing him. Lex says that Jimmy's girlfriend is very close with the person he cares most about; that's the only reason he's seeing Jimmy. Jimmy stutters. He asks if he can take some photos of Lex. Lex says no and that his people will send Jimmy a publicity shot. Lex motions for Jimmy to take a seat. He asks what this is about. Jimmy, taken aback by the down-to-business approach, throws down a set of photos on the table. You couldn't have at least worn a bow tie, Jimmy? You look like you're going to a Phish concert. Jimmy seriously asks who the man in the photo is and what the man gave Lex from the briefcase. Lex examines the photo of Grohl in the rain, as well as another one of the license plate. He looks at Jimmy. Jimmy glances at the schematic on the desk. Lex sighs. Jimmy asks if he can take that as a "no comment." Dude. Just shut up and let the guy talk. Lex chuckles. Jimmy chuckles. Lex presses a button on an intercom. Lex says he was happy to hear that Chloe finally landed a boyfriend. Ouch. He makes it sound all desperate. "It appears my jubilation was premature," Lex says. Jimmy looks terrified. The security guy comes back. Lex stands, telling the dude that Jimmy has to get back to Metropolis. Under the desk, Jimmy uses a tiny camera to snap some shots as he stands. "Make sure he finds his way out," Lex tells the guard as he roughly grabs Jimmy. Lex says one last thing: "Jimmy. Tell Chloe Lana says hello. And if you ever try anything like this again, you'll be leaving through the window, no matter who you're dating." Jimmy is led away. He's smiling as he goes. Lex takes another look at the photos. He throws them back on the desk, pissed.
Lana in the rare appearance of a bedroom in the Luthor manor. She's working on securing her black shoes to her feet. A key ring nearby has a tag that says LEX III. The keys are being held by Lex, who is standing in front of her. He tells her that he should just give her the car since she doesn't like asking permission to borrow it. Lana, sitting on a bed, says she didn't know she had to ask. Lex says that the car is not a big deal -- sneaking out at midnight bothers him. He has security cameras and a team of guards and nobody told him Lana had left the building? Did she teleport? Lana, acting nonchalant, stands and says there was nothing mysterious; she says she had a late-night craving for ice cream. Because they don't have ice cream in this billion-dollar mansion? "Mocha-mint?" Lex asks. "That's your favorite, right? What's Dr. Grohl's?" Ooh, snap! Lana is busted. Lex asks Lana whether she really thought this wouldn't catch up with her. He says that he doesn't like playing cat-and-mouse games. How about moose and squirrel? "Is it the game you don't like," Lana asks, "or the fact that someone's playing it on your level?" Oh, please, girlfriend. Just because you act sneaky one time doesn't put you at Lex's level. It doesn't even put you on the level of one of Lucy Ricardo's schemes. Lex says he wants the space coaster back now. He adds a "Please" to the demand. Lana just stares. We don't get to see how this argument ends.
Kent Farm. Clark and Raya are racing down the back roads. They both stop near the farm, kicking up leaves as they go. Raya, smiling, says Clark cheated. Clark says that he couldn't let a rookie beat him in the last county. As they walk into the barn, Raya says Jarnelle would have never let him get away with that. Clark gets serious. "What was he like," he asks, "my father?" She says he was brave. And strong. And he had the biggest heart of anyone she's known. You mean the dude that was telling Clark that he has to dominate all the humans and make them his bitches and killed a girl? Yeah, that guy sounds full of warmth. Clark says that's not the Jarnelle he imagined. She says that he was determined to save the Kryptons. She remembers helping build the ship for Clark, and that Jarnelle carefully planned every detail, even Clark's baby blanket. It should have been pink. Raya says she wishes that Jarnelle could see Clark now. Clark turns away. He says that he hasn't been the best son. Raya says that Jarnelle was hard on himself, too. And on her every Tuesday night. Raya says that Jarnelle's only redemption was sending Clark to save Earth. "Save it from what?" Clark asks. She says he's here to save the human race from extinction, that our civilization is going to destroy itself just like Krypton. Bummer. Annoyed, she says, "You should know this. It was part of your training." Do...what? Clark says he hasn't started his training. Oh shit! We're doomed!
Clark explains that the fortress is damaged. Jarnelle was out of town, and he invited a few friends over and before he knew it, the whole place was a mess! Clark says he didn't trust Jarnelle because of all the pain the dude caused him. "Pain is a part of anyone's journey, Kal-El, you can't escape it!" she snaps. Yeah, suck it up, Mopey! She says Clark must accept his destiny. "Too bad that destiny's just gotten a little shorter," says Bow Wow, who is leaning against the rail of the loft upstairs in a very un-Kryptonian way. So Clark and Raya both have superhearing and they didn't detect this jackass standing ten feet away? Bow Wow walks down some stairs. "The last son of Krypton," he says, "I've been waiting for this moment for a looong time." Clark says this guy is the one who's been coming for him. Bow Wow says that he thinks it'll be worth the trip. He super-zips across the room and asks if Raya recognizes him. He says it's her old friend. "Baern," he says in a lowered voice. Of the Phantom Zone Baerns? The ones who never RSVP for big Phantom Zone parties and drink all the beer? You guys are DICKS! "He's one of the phantoms," Raya says, correctly figuring that Clark can't deduce this himself. "How do you like the new suit?" Bow Wow asks, holding his hands out. Clark asks what he wants. Bow Wow says that he wants to pay back Clark's "old man" for giving him a one-way ticket to hell. "But then he had to get hisself eviscerated," Bow Wow says. Is "hisself" part of the inter-dimensional space dictionary? Bow Wow calls Krypton an ice cube of a planet. Ice cube? Them's fightin' words, fool! Don't be talkin' 'bout my cube planet! Bow Wow shoots a purple beam at Clark from his hands. The beam sends Clark flying back and through the open barn door. Clark knocks over a smallish water tower and hits the ground roughly. Bow Wow breathes deeply. This is hard work! He's sweating. Bow Wow comes at Raya in slow motion. She detects it and spins, kicking him in the face in bullet time. He flies out the side of the barn. Raya runs to Clark. She helps him up. He's got a big burn stain on his shirt. "Where is he?" Clark asks. Bow Wow is gone, baby.
More commercials = less recapping. I won't complain. Little Man is out on DVD! The long, cold wait is over!
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark rushes down the stairs, putting on one of about thirty blue T-shirts he owns. As he does, we see a tiny flash of belly. Oh, don't be teasing us like that, farmboy. Give us some nipple. Raya is waiting downstairs, wearing the Martha Stewart Phantom Zone line of casual business wear. Clark says he knows Jarnelle told her where he was sending Clark, but he wonders how Baern Bow Wow knew where to look. She says that in the Phantom Zone, the story of Clark's journey from Krypton is a well-known myth. She says it's a story of hope for some and revenge for others. It's like The Odyssey, but gayer. Clark says that for someone who's been after him for twenty years, the visit was short-lived. So Clark is twenty-years-old right now? Raya says she thinks Bow Wow didn't expect to fight two Kryptonians. She says he was weakening and that his race feeds on radioactive energy. Raya, her eyes never shifting, says that Baern killed hundreds before going to Krypton, but that Jarnelle was able to banish him to the Phantom Zone. Clark wonders whether the monster is looking for more energy. Raya says that Baern can sense power. Only one thing can stop him. "Your father's crystal," she says. It's lying on a red kerchief on the table, a Superman crest in blue glass. It looks like something you'd buy at the airport at the very last minute for someone you're not that thrilled to be visiting.
Daily Planet. Nighttime. Chloe walks into a dark office where Jimmy is working. He's printing something out. Chloe says that she's sent him ten text messages. Jimmy, not looking away from his computer screen, says that he must have missed them. Chloe apologizes for blowing off Jimmy's conspiracy theory, but she wanted Jimmy to know what a shark Lex can be. Jimmy says that she's right. "So you're dropping it?" she asks. Jimmy says she was right about him needing proof. Jimmy says he used the idea of publicity for Lex's favorite charity to get into Lex's place and have a look around. Chloe says that he must have been persuasive, since Lex doesn't usually take interviews. Jimmy looks shifty. He tells her he may have dropped her name. Chloe looks disappointed, but Jimmy says that it was so worth it. He shows her a digital image on screen of the schematic from Lex's desk. "Oh, my God," Chloe says. Is that her new catchphrase? Jimmy notes the symbols. He says they're hieroglyphics. "Do you know what this means, Chloe?" he asks, dead serious. "Lex is working with the Egyptians!" Wonk, wonk, wooooonk. The whimsical music of goofiness plays as Chloe tries to figure out a way to be kind. "You know...I think you're right," she tells Jimmy. She tells him to make a bunch of copies of the schematic and that she'll call the embassy. "Now that is my girl," says the man-boy-child. Chloe walks out, wondering how she has come to find herself dating such a goofball.
Just a ways off in the same building, Clark and Raya are walking down some stairs. Apparently, they're allowed to wander around the newsroom unaccompanied. Raya is telling Clark that Bow Wow wouldn't have left the area with Clark still alive. Clark wonders if maybe he went to a nearby military installation. Chloe finds them. Chloe tells Clark she's been trying to call him. She asks where he's been. "Racing around," he tells her. Clark introduces Raya. She smiles stiffly at Chloe. Chloe says that she's happy something good finally came out of the Phantom Zone, but she's stressed about another big problem. She shows Clark a copy of the schematic. Clark says it's what Zod was going to use to wipe out the Earth. She tells him that it was on Lex's desk. Clark mutters that he thought he destroyed it. "I know this design," Raya says. It's totally Fendi! Raya says that it's part of the Brain Interactive Construct. "The what?" Chloe asks. "BRANIAC," Raya tells her. Thunk. Is that what the Kryptons really called it? She says the box (the coaster, really) was its power core. She says it's more powerful, exponentially, than anything on Earth. She and Clark both think Bow Wow will go after it. He hungry for that core. Raya explains that it will power him up indefinitely -- enough for him to kill them both. That puts a damper on the conversation.
Lair of Lex. Lex, carrying a folder, enters his office and finds the half-coaster energy source sitting on his desk. Lana is waiting on the couch, to the roaring fireplace. Isn't it still summer in Smallville? "Safe and sound," Lana tells Lex. Lex is surprised she didn't take it and run. It wasn't hers to keep she says. Lex says it's incredible that this small object could hold the secrets to the universe. Lana complains that it could hold the secret to destroying themselves. Didn't you just tell Lex that the risk was worth it and that it might be the only thing that'll save us all? Lana is totally stupid. She complains that Lex didn't tell her about working with the military. "Who better to help defend us?" he asks. I wonder if he had to go all the way to Iraq to find a military consultant. Lex says the future always has risks; that doesn't mean we shouldn't look forward. He says he thought they were still in this together. "We still are," Lana tells him, "just not on the same side." Oh, fucking hell in a pink package. Lana tells Lex that he's obsessed the way he was with the ship. It's a space object from an alien race, Lana. If he can't get obsessed about this, what can he be allowed to get riled up about? She tells Lex that he has to choose between the box or her. The box! Go for the box, Lex! Even if it's just dead space worms, it's still less annoying and more humorous than Lana. The box, dude! Choose wisely! Lex doesn't answer.
Lana storms out of the room. Or at least she tries to. She opens the double doors and Bow Wow is standing there, waiting. "You have something I need," he tells Lana. Awesome, she was just breaking up with Lex, so you can be the rebound dude. Lex tells Lana to call Security. She tries not to laugh. Bow Wow says, "They're kind of unavailable right now." As if they've ever been of actual use. Bow Wow looks to the left. He breathes sensually as he spots the power coaster on the desk. He walks toward it. Lana just stands aside, even though this object is costing her relationship. Lex does get in the way. "You're not getting near it," he tells Bow Wow. Bow, shorter than Lex, pushes him aside, throwing him through a glass desk. "Lex!" Lana yells. She goes to him. Bow Wow puts his hand over the coaster. It glows and shoots purple light on his palm. The room glows womb pink. Lex and Lana run out. The light fades. Bow Wow is satisfied. It was interstellar steak night at the Luthor castle. The coaster crumbles to dust. And I hope I never have to recap about it again. Bow Wow super-zips out of the room.
Commercials. I'm going to just question for a moment the wisdom of putting a Rubik's Cube and a PS3 in a commercial together. We already know a Rubik's Cube is fun. As for the PS3...well, we'll just have to wait and see.
And here we are again. Smallville Medical Center. Where all the real drama happens. "Lex!" Lana says forcefully, as she walks into an exam room. Lex has his shirt partly open. He says it's only a second-degree burn and nothing to worry about. Shouldn't he be dying from radiation poisoning right about now? She asks how "That thing" knew about the box. Lex wonders. He looks at Lana suspiciously. Lana asks if he really thinks she'd be involved in this and would let him get hurt. "No," Lex says unconvincingly, "of course not." A light rap at the doorway. Clark is standing there. Uh...hey, dude. What is up? Lex and Lana, standing together, stare at him. Lex asks what he's doing there. Clark says that he went by the mansion and heard Lex was taken to the hospital. All right, Clark, that just sounds creepy. He asks if Lex is all right. "We're fine, Clark. Both of us," Lex says. It's awk-ward! Clark asks what happened. "We had an uninvited guest," Lex says, "but, we're used to that kind of thing." Cold! Really, Clark is just being a huge dumbass here. Did he not think this would be a little weird? "I'm glad you're all right, then," Clark says sheepishly. Lana has a genuinely annoyed look on her face. It's pretty good.
A doctor pops his head in the doorway on the opposite side of the room. He asks Lex to come over for his chest X-ray. Lex leaves with only a glance at Clark. Lana steps to Clark and asks if he's really interested in Lex's health. She asks for the real reason why Clark is there. Clark says that she shouldn't be in the middle of this. Lana says Clark doesn't want her in the middle, but it's too late. She asks Clark to just tell her what's going on, so he pulls out a folded piece of paper. He asks Lana if she's seen this schematic before. Lana says it doesn't matter anymore; the power source is a pile of ash and that Bow Wow already destroyed the thing. Clark thinks, "Oh, shitstains."
The Fortress of Iceitude. Clark reminds Raya that the Fortress is dead and wonders why they're there. She thinks that it's their only hope to defeat Bow Wow and tells Clark this was all they had left of their home planet. Clark says that now it's gone, too. Thanks for reminding her, dickweed. She says the Fortress was a storehouse for all the knowledge in the universe. They even had every DVD set of South Park. "How could this happen?" she asks Clark. He apologizes. He says he doesn't know how to bring it back. "Your father wouldn't have given up so easily," she says. Smack! Clark says he hasn't given up, but he doesn't know what to do. He claims he's tried everything. Except actually trying something. She says he's done everything except the training his father wanted him to go through. Clark doesn't know what to say. "So why are we here?" he finally asks. She says that with the villain at full strength, this is the only place they can risk fighting Bow Wow. Clark wonders if all that energy can make the crystals work again. Raya thinks it can, as long as they stay alive long enough to use them. Clark doesn't think it'll be too easy to get Bow Wow to the Fortress, but Raya plans to reroute whatever residual energy is left to form a signal that'll attract him. Reroute the ice dildos? Her science is tight!
Kent Farm. MamaKent comes home after what looks like a long day of work. She calls for Clark. She says that she cancelled her meetings and came home early. She complains about political blowhards dragging their feet on school reform. MamaKent turns on the living room light. Bow Wow is standing there. She gasps. This is the third time a character has reacted in the same way. "Oh. There's a young rap singer standing in my house. What do I do?" MamaKent calls for Clark again. "Don't you mean Kal-El?" Bow Wow asks. MamaKent asks who he is. Bow Wow says he'd like to know where Clark went. He raises his hands to shoot at MamaKent, but just then we hear a strange electronic noise. Bow Wow breathes deeply. He looks up. "Kal-El," he says. He zips out of there in a blaze of fuchsia. He's nice enough to use the back door instead of just blasting through the thing. MamaKent looks around, frightened.
Back at the Fortress. All the ice dildos are lit up and they are pretty ice dildos indeed. They fade back to darkness. Raya says that's all the energy she was able to draw. She hopes it's enough. Clark says he's heard the sound before. Raya says each Kryptonian family has its own beacon that is uniquely their own. It's the El Ringtone. Clark wonders why it sounds like the theme from I Dream of Jeannie. She's sure Bow Wow will recognize the sound. Bow Wow is already there, again appearing without warning or detection. He mocks Jarnelle's house 'o knowledge. "I thought it'd be bigger," he says. Don't be talkin' 'bout El size, jerk! Clark says it doesn't matter; Bow Wow won't be staying long. "Big talk, big man!" Bow Wow says. Oh, this is just embarrassing. Bow Wow says Jarnelle must have been right about how the sun affects "you Kryptonian cockroaches." They have roaches in space? That's kind of makes me sad. Bow Wow holds up his hands like he's going to do magic. "But I'm back," he says, "and now I'm super-sized!" I, for one, welcome supervillains who arrive with extra fries.
Bow Wow, really getting into it now, says this is the perfect place for the fall of the House of El. He fires a purple blast at Clark. Clark holds up the Kryptonian crest, but he still gets blasted back on his ass. Clark sees the Crest lying nearby. "Paying for the sins of your father can be a bitch," Bow Wow tells Clark. Bow Wow fires again, but this time it hits Raya. Can't she dodge? Or fly? Or anything? She just turns and gets shot up the back. Where's your badass Phantom Zone fighting skills? The beam fires through her chest. She screams and falls. Clark quickly grabs the crest and stands, just in time to absorb the purple beam. Tug-of-beam as Clark steps forward. They both grimace. Bow Wow falls to his knees. Clark's beam finally wins. The wraith that was in Bow Wow's body appears in its spirit form. The cartoon monster shape gets sucked into the crest. The crest finally seals off. The body of Bow Wow falls unconscious. Ethereal music plays. Clark calls for Raya. She's still alive, but hurt. She rolls over. "The crystal," she manages, "it has enough power now. Restore the fortress." Why not, er, heal yourself, Raya? You know, use your Kryptonian power? Get a little sunlight? Take care of those wounds? Get Clark to stop time or something? You know, use your amazing powers that you've gone through training to learn how to use? No? Not going to try that? All right then. Just making sure. Raya starts to struggle with her breathing. "You can't leave me!" Clark tells her. Yeah, she shouldn't. Suck it up, Raya. Raya, whose makeup and hair is perfect, puts a hand on Clark's cheek. "I'm sorry," she says, "I couldn't share in your destiny, Kal-el." She dies. Luckily, her lipstick is not so much as smudged. Clark tries to cry. It's not pretty. Thunderous music ends the scene.
Commercials. Wendy's. Is there really much more to say, in the form of advertising, about a hamburger?
Smallville Medical Center. It's almost like we've been here before. Bow Wow is lying in a hospital bed. I'd be lying if I said I thought there was any other reason for this scene other than it being Bow Wow. Gotta keep those guest stars happy! He wakes up. "What happened?" he asks. Not, "What network is this? The CW? NOOOOO!" Clark, wearing his red checkerboard tablecloth shirt, says Bow Wow is in a hospital in Kansas. One that everybody in town goes to almost every single day. "Kansas?" Bow Wow asks for the first of many times. Clark asks if Bow Wow knows how he got here. Bow Wow says there's no beach here and that Kansas is strictly "fly-over." Clark smiles at that for some dumb reason. Clark tells Bow Wow that he's been here for the last six weeks. Bow Wow goes, "SIX WEEKS!?" Bow Wow says that last thing he remembers is playing ball with his boy. Oh, yeah, about the boy...er...he kind of got disintegrated. It's a long story. There'll be a recap, don't worry. Bow Wow can't remember anything after that. He looks at Clark. "Am I supposed to know you?" he asks. Clark says no. He introduces himself. I try to work up the energy for a Gayest Look of the Episode here, but it just doesn't happen. Sorry, folks. Clark says that he brought Bow Wow to the hospital. He gets points for referrals on his credit card. Bow Wow says this is crazy. Clark agrees. Clark says the doctors think he'll be all right. Parents? Siblings? Family of any kind? Legal guardian? Bow Wow thinks he must have Clark to thank for being safe. Clark smiles. "Kansas, huh?" Bow Wow says. "Kansas," Clark repeats. But don't get used to it. The distances in this state don't make any sense. And thus ends the most pointless, padded scene of the episode. I hope it was worth the expense. I would have been fine with more commercials.
Daily Planet. Chloe is pouring herself some coffee. Jimmy comes out of an office looking dejected. Chloe recognizes the look and figures his meeting with the editor didn't go well. Jimmy is upset that they refused to put someone on his Lex Luthor Egyptian conspiracy story. Surprising. Jimmy insists he had proof. Chloe suggests it wasn't exactly proof, but she does think he was on to something. She says she's sorry. Jimmy says that wasn't the worst of it. Chloe says he can't be demoted since he's at the bottom rung. Jimmy says that Lex made a call and that it got him fired. Jimmy says he managed to talk his way back into the job, but that he'll have to work down in the basement. Chloe says not to knock the basement. She smiles. That brightens Jimmy up a bit. Jimmy whines that he'll be scanning photos into the archive for the rest of his life. Chloe insists that he won't; she thinks Lex's actions mean Jimmy was doing a great job. She puts her arms around him and says he'll be a great photographer one day. Hopefully without Chloe having to prop him up so much.
Lair of Lex. Lex finds Lana, wearing black, on the couch by the fire. She's sipping on what looks like some expensive espresso. He says that he thought she might have had another sweet-tooth attack. She says not to worry; she's not going anywhere. "You sure?" Lex asks. "Not tonight," she answers. Lex says they need to reassess some things. "Because of the box?" she asks. Lex is mad that she lied. "After all your talk about honesty," he says. Lana guesses they're even. She says she's glad the box (box!? It's a COASTER!) was destroyed. Lex is a little angry. He doesn't know how Lana can be so unthreatened after all they've seen. He says it was their only hope for defending themselves. "The human race has survived this long," Lana says. "It doesn't need Lex Luthor to save it." ALIENS, Lana. Alien invaders! Wow, she is so incredibly dumb sometimes it hurts my teeth. Lana says that their conversation (Lex calls it her ultimatum) was interrupted. Lex asks Lana whether she honestly thinks he wouldn't have chosen her. "I guess we'll never know," Lana sadly says. She turns to her espresso, then to the fire. No fucking tonight.
Kent Farm. Clark and MamaKent go walking in the field where Clark took Raya. MamaKent says that Raya sounds like an amazing woman. Clark wishes they could have met. He says Raya loved this whole world, but had no time to explore it before she died defending the place. MamaKent says Krypton gave us more than one hero. She says she's sorry. Clark says that when he was with Raya, he didn't feel alone anymore; he knows his parents loved him, but that he's always felt different. Clark says Raya was the first person he met who could really understand that. What about your werewolf girlfriend? Or your teleporting wife who got killed? They didn't understand at all? Jackass. Clark says that he never considered what he lost: his family and a whole race of people just like him. MamaKent looks sad. Clark says he's ready to stop running and embrace who he really is. Heroic music plays. Clark holds the souvenir crest in his hand. He's ready for his destiny. "Your training with Jor-El. You want to go," MamaKent says. But Clark says that he can't just yet. He vows to return every prisoner that was released from the Phantom Zone. Or destroy them. Close-up of the crest.
Shot of the Fortress of Solitude. It lights up out there in the tundra. Yay, Fortress!
Oh wow, that Bow Wow guy also does music? You don't say! Well, maybe we should all buy his CD!
week: The Green Arrow chases the green dragon!