Season finale already? It seems like just yesterday I was annoyed by Lana, wished Lex and Clark would finally get it on, and pointed out painful plot holes. Wait, that was yesterday. Never mind.
We open on a computer showing someone's hot brain. It's a computer-generated image of somebody's pulsating cranial activity. A computer-geek-looking guy in a white lab coat is staring at the screen. Something important must be happening. He goes over to an MRI machine where somebody is lying down, getting the head scan. The technician pushes a button to make the machine's clanking stops and causes a slab carrying a person to come out. Hey, it's Professor Snideface! Even in a mind-blown coma, he still looks kinda peeved. Lex shows up. He asks "Doctor Marcus" what was so urgent that he was needed. The technician -- who looks a bit like Beaker from the Muppets -- urgently says that Snideface's brain has completely normalized. Lex sexily says that considering what happened to Snideface, nothing about his condition surprises Lex. The pseudo-doctor asks what happened in the caves. He asks how a linguist gets his mind thrashed deciphering a Native American language. Maybe it was really good gossip. "If you had that answer, doctor," Lex says, "you'd be running the place." The guy smiles as if that would be just a peachy fantasy. Snideface suddenly pops awake. Ack! I know I wished for this with all my heart, but now that it's actually happening...I just don't know. Snideface stares, wide-eyed, with blue cataracts. I get a nasty LASIK flashback. Snideface clutches Lex. "The day is coming," Snideface says. "The day IS COMING!" Snideface says again as Lex tries to get that hand to stop gripping him. Junior Mint Doctor lays Snideface back down flat and Snideface closes those terrible eyes. Lex and Jr. Doctor are both, "Whatthafuck?"
The Barnness of Soon-to-Be-Total-Heterotude. Clark is studying. And to prove how hard he's studying, he erases something. Unfortunately what he was erasing said, "Plato = philosopher. Not Mickey's dog." Lana shows up. She's carrying a box. Clark closes his book. "It's almost midnight," Clark says. Lana -- wearing a weird blue jacket -- says she figured Clark would still be up. By which she means "awake." Lana asks if Clark is writing his term paper. Clark says he's writing his toast for Lex's rehearsal dinner for the wedding. If there's one thing Lex has always wanted Clark to do for him, it's to get toasty. Clark briefly describes the immense pressure of such an act. He asks about the box Lana's holding and whether he's supposed to guess what's in it. He squints for a second, but we don't get the sound effect, so I guess he didn't x-ray the box unless he did it sneakily and without letting the sound guy know. Lana tells Clark to close his eyes. He does. Hard. Lana turns around. She bends over a tad provocatively and sultrily says, "Don't peek." (Hey, I'm not about that, so just shut your mouth. I'm merely writing what I see.) Clark puts his big-ass hands over his face. Lana blows out a match. She presents Clark with something and smiles. It's a little cake with four candles. She says it's not his birthday for another seven minutes, but that she wanted to surprise him. "You did," Clark says and stands. He's not happy. Clark says it's not really his birthday. Oh, you ungrateful bastard. Just take the fucking cake, smile and eat it. Is that so hard, superbeing? Clark says this day is just a day his parents picked off a calendar for the adoption papers. How is that any more arbitrary than the random process of being born on a particular day anyway? Lana looks hurt and, for once, she didn't bring it on herself. She goes over to Clark, who really just needs to be kicked in the balls with a Kryptonite boot right now. She tells Clark that maybe they should celebrate the day Clark came into their lives. "I never thought of it that way," Clark says. Or, more to the point, "I never thought." Lana asks Clark to make a wish. Clark says he's been wishing for the same thing since he was five. Now, he says, he doesn't have to. He's been wishing for cake an awful long time. Oh, maybe not. He puts the cake aside, still lit. "She's standing right here in front of me," Clark says. Oh. Jeez. He was one horny five-year-old. Clark leans in. He and Lana kiss. Tentatively at first, then with a little more sugar and spice. The camera pulls back and the stars outside the loft window look awfully low. They manage to get the cake into the frame as Lana rubs Clark's arm and they continue to kiss. Way to go for that erogenous elbow, Lana.
Opening credits. Somebody saaaaaaave me! From all this hetero! Smallville doth protest too much.
Commercials. Talking monkeys? Hilarious. Talking monkeys selling organic shampoo? Suddenly, not so hilarious.
Kent Kitchen the morning. It pains me to say it, but equal time is equal time: We never saw Lana leave the barn. There. I said it. Behold the new Smallville: Now with 90% more Straight! Clark -- wearing jeans and a red sweater -- bounds down the stairs like he just stepped out of a salon. A sex salon. MamaKent is stirring something up in a bowl. She asks about Clark's "party." Clark does a take. "So you're the one who told Lana," he says. MamaKent -- who is officially TV pregnant since last week with the belly -- says she feels bad that they never made a to-do out of Clark's birthdays when he was growing up. They were afraid he'd pin the tail on the donkey and take out a wall. She says that it's a huge part of childhood, and that she feels guilty. Clark says she can fix all the mistakes she made with him with the kid. They're gonna spoil that kid like bananas in a plastic bag in my fridge. "So, um...Last night?" MamaKent asks, in a way that is wholly inappropriate for a mom to ask her teenaged son. Well, most moms. Fine, my mom. But I did know kids growing up who had mothers who were dirtier than we were. One of them used to call her son downstairs and he'd yell, "I'm coming!" and she'd yell back, "No you're not, you're just breathing hard!" I know. Ew. But back to MamaKent: Ew. Clark gives her a funny look and says, in maybe his best line reading all season, "Are you prying?" "Okay, never mind," MamaKent says, equally playful. Whups, no more sex talk. Bo Duke just walked in. You know, that sex talk isn't going to just repress itself. Lex follows Bo Duke in. "Look what the cat dragged in," Bo says. Nice way to treat a guest, assmunch. And doesn't that make you the cat, Bo? MamaKent offers Lex breakfast. Lex looks at the bowl and says he can't stay. He came to ask the Kents a favor. Lex says that he knows they've had their differences (Bo likes cows; Lex prefers the warm, but firm caress of an ox), but that he'd like the Kents to sit at his wedding rehearsal dinner table since his own parents won't be there. Bo bites his lip. He does his looking-down-burp look. Clark smiles like, "Yes, maybe I can't show it anymore, but that's my man!" and MamaKent seems also pleased. Bo says they'd be honored. Lex says that leaves one empty seat at the table, to Clark. "Any suggestions?" Lex asks. Clark smiles and takes a sip of orange juice. Wait, does that mean Clark is bringing a date from Florida?
Talon. Lana is writing some sort of note, and I think it says something about "Tim Bryce." Tina Bryce? Dr. Bryce? The Hell? Damn you, calligraphy! Chloe comes up and fills us in that it's to do with the wedding and that she wasn't invited. Lana looks uncomfortable. Chloe says it's not like she's waiting for a glass slipper and all that fairy-tale jazz. Lana laughs because what's better than giggling at Chloe's self-flagellation? Lana's not convinced that she won't be Servant Girl at the wedding. Chloe asks if that's what Lana was doing till 2 AM the night before. Uh... Lana says, "Yeah!" totally fake-like. As Lana prepares Chloe some coffee to shut her up, Chloe says she'd be willing to help. Clark comes up. He asks for a double espresso. Oh man. Gayest order ever. I bet Clark will raise his pinky when he drinks from the tiny cup. Chloe asks if Clark was "burning the midnight oil last night." I just hope his bed wasn't burning. Long pause. Clark looks to Lana. She looks back. Clark sorta-lies that he was working on a toast for Lex's dinner. Chloe gets the hint. Pete walks up for the sole purpose of contrasting the awkwardness. "Everybody okay?" he asks. Shut it, Pete. We'll call you when we need the DVD set pimped on the show. Clark: "Yeah." Chloe: "Great." Lana: "Perfect." Yes, you are, Lana. Yes you are. Pete and Clark take off. Chloe says she has ashes to sweep and wicked stepsisters to undermine. It's more noble when you don't blab about your martyrdom, Chloe. Pete is confused. Clark starts to ask Lana whether she said anything about the night before. She says she didn't. "I had a really good time last night," Clark says brightly. He asks if they can go out after the rehearsal dinner. Lana goes into confusion mode. She starts to brush Clark off. Clark says that if it's about last night, they can take is slow. Lana says that the night before may have been a mistake. She says she's busy and that she'll call Clark later. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, Clark.
Hospital. Lex and Dr. Dropkick walk past the chapel wearing almost matching outfits -- black coats over shirts with no ties; Lex has a blue shirt, Dr. Dropkick is wearing Uma Thurman big-collar white. Lex is looking over a heavily revised seating chart for the wedding. Blue seating is relatives who still talk to each other. Red is relatives who haven't spoken in at least five years. Yellow are buffer zones. Lex tells Dropkick that if medicine doesn't work out for her, she should work for the United Nations. I wonder if that was written before the whole Iraq thing. Lex tells her to put the Kents at their table; he says he asked them to sit in for his parents. Uh oh. He didn't run that by her first? Perhaps the only valuable lesson I've ever learned about women in this lifetime is that you don't go changing their wedding plans up without asking them, their mother, their maid of honor, and like five other uninvolved women if it's a good idea first. Bad, bad Lex. Dropkick,-- who probably is getting a weird vibe from this whole Kent thing -- asks if this wouldn't be a good time for Lex to reach out to his father. Ooh, maybe she is on his payroll. Lex says he's touched at her concern, but that a reconciliation isn't gonna happen. "The only family I need is you," Lex says, touching her chin. She smiles, but I'll bet most women would be creeped the fuck out by that sentiment.
Dropkick unlocks her office door (it's purple) and walks in. She is one messy doctor. Or, judging from the dramatic music, maybe her office was ransacked. Files are everywhere; a chair is overturned. "I don't believe this," she says. Yes, this is by far the most unbelievable thing that's happened in two seasons on this show. A locked tiny vault with a window is flashing a fluorescent light. It looks kind of like what my upgraded computer was going to look like inside the case if I had sprung an extra $9 for the cold blue cathode plug-in light. I am geeky, but I was unwilling to cross that extra line into true nerddom. Dropkick opens the little refrigerator vault. Lex says they should call the police. All her blood vials are missing. Lex asks if there's anything valuable that was taken. She doesn't answer before we cut to...
...Bo Duke, dismounting from a farm vehicle. He's talking to Dr. Dropkick. He asks her if anything important was taken in her office robbery. As the camera spins around them unnecessarily, she says the vial of blood she drew from Clark when he was sick ("Fever") is missing. Bo asks why she would even still have it. He's pissed. She says she kept it in case Clark got sick again. She says it wasn't labeled and there's no way anybody could connect it to Clark. Oh, really? Bo asks why anyone would want to steal it. That's a very good question. Bo has developed higher brain functions! She says the police think junkies may have been looking for drugs. Blood drugs. She looks very tiny in this scene, standing near Bo. "Or maybe somebody who wanted to make it look that way," she says. Dramatic music flashes, cueing us that she's doing an "I Accuse" on Bo. She says that she and Bo were the only ones who knew about Clark's blood. Bo asks whether she told anyone else. "Not even the man you're about to marry?" he asks. "Mr. Kent," she answers, "Lex is not the man you think he is." He's even gayer. Bo says that, considering she's about to spend the rest of her life (at least until her plot-contrivance death, which I'm sure is coming) with Lex, and considering what she knows about Lex's family, "You had better be right." Ford tough! Bo walks away. Dropkick flutters her eyes.
Stately Luthor Manor. Clark is sitting in Lex's office, across the desk. He says that maybe it's not a good idea that he's sitting to Lana at the rehearsal. Lex asks what happened. Clark says he doesn't know. Lex leans forward: "Clark. None of us really understands the fairer sex." Gayest. Look. Of the episode. Gayest line ever, for that matter. "That's why we're so captivated by them," Lex says. Yeah, Judy Garland, Cher, Madonna. Just captivating. Clark says he went for it last night. Oh yeah. Techno clubbin' at the Boyz Cellar! Lex asks if Lana shot Clark down. Clark says it was the opposite. She shot him up? With drugs? Clark says it was a perfect moment, but this morning... "She wanted to pretend it didn't happen," Lex finishes. Lex says that Clark has upped the stakes, and now Lana is scared. Lex says she wants to cut her losses. Looking right at Lex, Clark says the following: "But we're meant to be together. I've never been so sure about anything in my life." "Well, don't tell me, Clark," Lex says. I'm going to need a meat cleaver to cut through this deliciousness, people. "Tell her," Lex says. Or don't. You could just stay here.
Lana is riding her horse. She's wearing lots of blue again. She stops the horse in front of Clark and dismounts. Boy, is she tiny. She and Dr. Dropkick could be stunt doubles for Tom Cruise when he wears his hair long. Clark says that the night before was a big deal for him, and that if she doesn't feel the same way, she doesn't have to avoid calling him. Has it even been a day yet since their conversation at the Talon? Lana says it meant a lot to her, too. She says that things just feel a lot more complicated. I hereby blame Avril for giving teen girls everywhere an adjective for relationships that doesn't really say a goddamned thing. Clark asks whether this is about Chloe. No. It's About the Lana. All Lana, All the Time. Lana says that she is concerned about what's-her-face. She says that there are three friendships at stake, and that she doesn't want to lose the one with Clark. The other two? She could take them or leave them. Clark says that the friendship isn't going to go anywhere; it's just going to become something better. Oh, you poor, stupid man. Lana asks what happens if things don't work out. She asks if their friendship will survive. Clark doesn't know. He says he's wanted this for so long, he thinks it's worth taking a chance. Suddenly, we hear a floating voice: "The day is coming," it says. Lana doesn't hear it, but Clark starts getting distracted. He turns. The horse makes a noise. Overhead camera zooms down on Clark as he looks up. We hear the voice repeat itself. Lana looks freaked out. "I'm sorry, I have to go," Clark says. And he does. Kansan Man of Mystery.
Padded walls, mental ward. Snideface is up and walking, wearing white pajamas and pacing a cell, muttering, "The day is coming." Outside a huge round window, Lex and Jr. Doctor are watching. "What do you think it means?" Lex asks. Probably that it's nighttime. Lex says that the brain scans show Snideface's noggin is normal again. Snideface bangs on the glass. Hey, remember the day? Well, it's coming. Don't forget. His cataracts are gone. He goes back to pacing. Jr. Doctor -- who looks a little like James Spader -- says that the cataracts faded over the course of a day. They went to the Catarondacks. Lex asks how you could explain that. Well, I could, but it would ruin the pun. The young doctor says they need to sedate Snideface for his own safety. Snideface holds up a hand. Stop! In the name of love! "The day is coming," he says, lest we forget. He shoots a blue electric beam and shatters the glass. Lex and the doctor do a James Brown and jump back, kiss themselves. Snideface runs right past them. There's no security? Lex looks on after the departed professor and doesn't even give chase.
Commercials.
Back at the place of Professor Snideface's not-at-all-Hannibal Lecterish escape. We're looking at a spiral of symbols on the blueish ceiling of the padded-wall room. They're written in Clark's people's language. Lex tells Clark -- who is there for reasons we don't know yet -- that he thinks it says "'He is coming.'" Clark guesses that Snideface learned to read the symbols. Lex says no, it's just an educated guess based on Snideface's ramblings. Clark wonders how Snideface wrote the symbols up there. Lex says that apparently, he's figured out a way to emit energy from his hand. And if he doesn't stop it, he's going to go blind. Lex says he thinks it has to do with what happened to Snideface in the caves. Clark shifts uncomfortably and asks why Lex is telling him all this. Lex says that Clark found Snideface when he went into his mental state. He asks whether Clark could shed any light onto the situation. Clark says he already told Lex what he knows. Lex says that the symbols look like the ones that were burned on Clark's barn. Clark steps in some muck by saying he doesn't know how to read that language. Er, that's not what Lex asked. Lex says, "I believe you, Clark." But he totally doesn't. Clark asks what he's doing there. Um, alone with Lex in a room with lots of padding? Why, I honestly don't know. Lex says he thought that, given their mutual interest in the caves, they could solve this mystery "together." Yeah, forget marriage. This is much better. "I'm sorry, Lex," Clark says. "I'm as mystified as you are." Mystified! That's half-way to being in love.
Snideface at the caves. He's staring at one particularly choppy piece of cave with a spiral seemingly burned into it. Snideface holds out his hand (Stop! In the name of Lex!) and makes his most snide face. You could cut the snide with a machete in here. The camera zooms in on a little octagonal hole in the center of the spiral. Snideface's palm starts to glow with a symbol, and a bolt of energy shoots out from it and toward the octagonal hole. Snideface is still sneering. And where'd he get a jean jacket? The spiral starts to spin with its symbols glowing. The symbols shift and rearrange themselves from a spiral into a sort of sunburst. Snideface turns around and sees a drawing on the opposite wall of a dude shooting a beam at an octagonal drawing. The cave drawing dude has an "S" on his chest. Savior? Snideface? Stupid? "I know who you are," Snideface says. I'm Omar G. Pleased to meetcha.
Outside the Talon. Lots of American flags. "Silent Film Festival Show" is on the marquee. Inside, Lana has made a new best friend. She brings a tray of coffee and cup over to Dr. Dropkick and asks if she's planning a wedding rehearsal or a peace summit. Yes, the joke only gets better the more times the show tells it. Dropkick says it's hard to know what side everybody's on. Tell me about it. Last season on 24, I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Lana asks if she's not having second thoughts. Dropkick says it's all gotten very complicated. Argh! That word again! Now twentysomething professionals are using it too? When my parents start to use it, I'm calling "Game Over." Dropkick, by the way, is either using industrial-strength mascara, or she's got some fake eyelashes going. It takes a lot to out-raccoon Lana, but she's somehow done it. Dropkick asks Lana about her "tall, dark, handsome" boy troubles. Lana asks what Dropkick would do if she knew Lex was hiding something from her, but was being truthful about the important things, like the way he feels about her. "Would that be enough?" Lana asks. Dropkick says that Lana has to decide whether the part the person is willing to share is more important than not having the person at all. I could really use a popcorn break right about now. Lana moves her mouth around. Dropkick's eyelashes run off to join the tree people from The Two Towers.
Lex's office. Somebody's thumbing through some files. The first one, I think, says "Sony Trinitron." The second says in huge block letters, "KENT, MARTHA." Dropkick removes the file from a wood cabinet. Now she is the one wearing pink. Lana infection! She starts to look through the file and turns to find Papa Luthor there. Does Lex have no security at all whatsoever? An intercom system, maybe? "You don't really think he's hidden it in here?" Papa Luthor asks. Dropkick says she doesn't know what he's talking about. Papa Luthor says he's talking about the valuable item Lex stole from her office. She says Lex would never steal from her. "Hmmm," Papa Luthor hmmms, and says that if she believes that, why is she rummaging around in Lex's stuff? She asks how she's supposed to know Papa Luthor didn't do it himself. "Oh my," he says, "it seems I've antagonized the lady of the house." Hee. He tells her to give his best wishes to Lex, then turns it around and says that if she did that, they'd have to explain how he caught her snooping. Bastard! "Ooh, that could get really messy," he says, rubbing the hair on his chinny-chin-chin. "Get out," Dropkick says. Papa Luthor turns mock-serious and moves to exit. But he stops to ask one last Columbo question: "Why are you marrying Lex?" She says, "Because I love him." He "hmmms" again and leaves.
Clark in the caves. He calls out for Professor Snideface. Clark finds the new and improved cave symbols. The camera revolves around Clark and reveals Papa Luthor behind him. When does this guy get any corporate work done? He shines a flashlight on his favorite farm boy. Papa Luthor goes straight to the wall and fingers the octagonal hole. He says he once had an octagonal "keepsake" in that exact shape. He says it disappeared from his office. Papa Luthor shines his flashlight right in Clark's face and says it disappeared the same day Clark rescued him and MamaKent. (Way back in better days during "Insurgence.") Clark asks what Papa Luthor is doing down there. Papa says he's taken over "conservatorship" of the caves. "Didn't Lex tell you?" he asks. Nope. Papa Luthor says Lex doesn't want to admit defeat and is still fighting him on it. Papa Luthor says that security people were looking for Dr...Dr... He makes a big show of not remembering the guy's name. Clark says that Professor Snideface was obsessed with the caves. Papa says he can understand why. He marvels at the symbols. Papa Luthor makes another show of pretending to notice that the symbols on the wall have changed into a different order. He shines the light at Clark again and asks if that isn't strange. "It's all Kawatche to me," Clark says. Clark warns Papa Luthor to be careful if he sees Snideface. Clark says he could be dangerous. Clark exits.
Bo among the cows! Feel the love. Bo says he doesn't get it. The cows have been standoffish lately, I guess. But he also doesn't get how the refined Kryptonite and the caves tie together. Clark says they have a bigger problem: Professor Snideface can read the cave language. Bo and MamaKent ask if Clark thinks Snideface knows his secret. Clark tells them that the symbols have changed in the cave. He recites: "The day is coming when the last son will begin his quest to rule the third planet." Clark gets serious. "Don't you see? I'm the last son." Maybe they meant the last episode of Son of the Beach.
Lex's office. Lex is wearing a Reservoir Dogs-style black suit, black tie, and white shirt. He closes his laptop and asks why Papa Luthor is humiliating himself like this. Lex says that Papa Luthor's not invited to the wedding. He gets up to pour himself some brown liquid from a decanter. Papa says he's not there to grovel for a place in the wedding. He's there to tell Lex that a restraining order Lex tried to get to keep Papa Luthor out of the caves has been rejected. Lex asks why Papa Luthor came over to tell him that. Papa Luthor says that Lex's renewed interest in the caves coincides with Snideface's escape. Lex averts his eyes and shows his hand. Papa Luthor says that Clark was down there, too: "Looking for your linguist." That sounds so dirty.
The door swings open and Snideface walks in. "I did it, Lex," Snideface says, triumphantly. Snideface says he finally read the wall and knows what it says. Lex tries to shut him up by saying that they'll talk about it later. Papa Luthor also moves forward with interest. Lex tells Papa Luthor to stay out of it. Papa persists. "The last son will rule the planet," Snideface says, snidely. "Don't you see?" Snideface asks. "It's Clark Kent." Papa Luthor and Lex exchange a look. Lex says that's a pretty big leap. And a pretty big hunk of man. Snideface says he's never seen more clearly in his life, and he knows what has to be done. Jenga! "We have to kill Clark Kent," Snideface says. He's sweating a bit. "Before he destroys us all." Might I suggest a substitution? Have you thought about killing Lana instead? Lex says that Snideface is confused. Snideface holds his palm up at Lex, and Lex gets scared. Suddenly, Snideface falls. The Jr. Doctor has shot him with a tranquilizer dart. Nice aim, dude. Everybody exchanges significant looks.
Commercials. Shakira, stop. Seriously. Just. Stop.
Clark is in the Fortress of Toastitude. He's up in the loft, wearing a blue shirt, tie, and khakis, and trying to figure out what the hell to say at Lex's rehearsal dinner. Chloe comes up underneath him in the barn's lower level. She's amused and says, "The first line is always the hardest." So's the first $20 million. She tells Clark the news about Professor Snideface. Chloe asks if Clark wants to come out of journalistic retirement and help her with the story. Clark says he appreciates the offer, but now's not a good time. He gestures with his little blue paper to make the point. Chloe says she didn't mean right now. Well then, when? month when the story's old? Chloe smiles and says she wishes things could be like they were. Before or during the time when she's been a total doormat? Clark says he wishes that, too. Chloe says she feels like there's a huge rift between them (Lana the Rift), and that she can't get back to Clark. Clark says it'll happen; they just need some time. Chloe asks if they can just promise to be honest with each other. She says she's a big girl and Clark's a big boy and she thinks they can handle it. Clark doesn't look very happy about this whole "telling the truth" thing. Chloe excuses herself. She says Clark has a rehearsal dinner and she has The Torch. She tells him to break a leg. Oh, but he can't.
Rehearsal diner. Lots of fine-looking dressy people partying. Even MamaKent and Bo Duke are wearing their social best. Lana is wearing a pink outfit that doesn't necessarily suck. Clark is hanging with his parents, but watching Lana intently. He cleans up nicely. "I fly so high," the alt-crap rock plays in the background. Lana notices Clark watching her, and they exchange a look.
Lex comes up to Dropkick, who is looking a'mighty fine herself. He kisses her on the cheek and apologizes for being late. She asks where he's been. Lex says he's all hers now. Oh, but he needs a quick moment with the best man. A quickie? Lex goes up to Clark and his folks and kisses MamaKent on the cheek. She says that everything is beautiful. She's only looking at Lex, but she's right anyway. Lex and Bo shake hands. Lex asks for a word with their son. Lex fills Clark in, near the bar, about Professor Snideface. Lex tells Clark that Snideface was ranting about him. Lex tells Clark that, according to the cave drawings, Clark is going to rule the world. Clark does a nice job feigning amusement. "He's obviously nuts," Clark says. Lex agrees, but says that Papa Luthor was there. Lex says Papa Luthor quoted one of his favorite Elizabethan poets: "Twixt truth and madness lies but a sliver of a stream." Lex warns Clark that Papa Luthor isn't going to let things drop.
Torch. Poor Chloe is looking at digital photos on her computer of last year's season-ending Spring Formal. Remember when Chloe actually had a reason to be happy about something? "I certainly do admire your work ethic, Miss Sullivan," we hear a voice say. I sure hope Papa Luthor is deducting mileage for all this traveling he's doing this week. Chloe scrolls from her "C.K." folder to "Feature (Torch)." There's also a "Bloodwork" folder, just in case you were wondering. Chloe says she wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. Instead of her iMac, Chloe now has a nice, big flat-panel monitor and...oh my God, did I call this or what in a recap: An ALIENWARE computer! Go Chloe! Unreal Tournament 2k3 party at The Torch! Papa Luthor says that he and Chloe have a lot in common. Papa Luthor tells Chloe that he spoke to the managing editor of The Daily Planet, and Chloe is set up to write a weekly column on current affairs from a young perspective. Papa Luthor runs his hand along the nice, green Alienware computer (as I surely would). As we move around, we see that the main headline for the issue of the newspaper: "Ferrets found in air ducts!" Now would those be Clark's ducts or Lex's? Chloe is aglow. Chloe thanks Papa Luthor. He says that's reward enough, but, oh, by the way, he needs Chloe to do a complete investigative profile on Clark Kent. Chloe asks what The Daily Planet would want with that profile. Papa Luthor says it's not for them. It's for himself. He suggests that Chloe combine it with any research she already has about Clark's family. Chloe does a long take, gets up, and lashes out. She can't believe she fell for it, and let down her journalistic guard. You know the drill. Papa Luthor says she's playing in the real world and she has to give to get. He runs a finger along the top of that nice green Alienware monitor with the alien head logo on the front. Chloe leans forward and tells Papa Luthor he can shove his job offer down his thousand-dollar pants. Papa Luthor, the withered, says that Clark is very lucky to have a friend like Chloe. "All that integrity," he says. He tells Chloe that if Clark had to make a choice, he wonders if Clark would sacrifice his dream out of loyalty to Chloe. Yeah. Doubt it. I love you, Chloe, but you just made a dumb decision. And I think she just realized it.
Ambulance going down a deserted road. Inside, Snideface is strapped in. Jr. Doctor in the passenger seat asks a paramedic if there's been any change. The paramedic says that Snideface will be out for hours. If by "hours," you mean a few seconds. Snideface slowly opens his eyes. Outside the ambulance, we see the vehicle stop and a bunch of electrical light flash inside. We come around the back and see the back doors open and lots more flash and fog coming from within. Let the midnight special shine a light on me.
Back at the rehearsal dinner, Clark has stood up and is clicking his glass with a fork. He should be smashing it. Clark asks for everyone's attention. He says he thinks Lex chose him to speak because he knows how comfortable Clark is speaking in front of people. Scattered chuckling. Who's the babe sitting behind Lex and Dropkick? Clark says he's been looking through every book, from Socrates to Shakespeare, and he has yet to get past the table of contents. And who's this Socrates guy anyway? Wasn't he in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Clark says he was trying to find words to describe how Lex and Dropkick feel about each other. As if he has any inkling whatsoever. Clark says there are no words for it. His years of experience on the matter of love shine wisdom on us all. Clark says that when you have it, you believe in it. You take a chance on it. He looks at Lana. He says you're willing to sacrifice anything to keep it, no matter the cost. Like, say, sacrificing Chloe and screen time for Pete and any other interesting romantic possibilities for Clark or character development or a lead actress who doesn't favor pink or a damned interesting storyline that doesn't involve crying or abandonment. Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of what the producers sacrificed this season to give Lana more screen time. My bad. Clark says, "To [Dropkick] and Lex." Everybody toasts. Lex and Dropkick kiss. Clark drinks. Lex stands up and gives Clark a hug. Sadly, this is the most affection we've seen between the two in ages. Lex whispers to Clark that it was a good speech. Just then, we hear a high pitched noise. Clark, dog-like, reacts to it in pain. Lana looks on in horror. Lex asks what's up. Clark excuses himself to get some air. MamaKent and Bo follow. Lana just looks around. Clark tells Bo and MamaKent that it's "the key," and that he has to get home. He superzips out of there without Lana or Lex or anybody noticing.
One superzip later...Clark is at the barn. He sees that the toolbox where he hid the ship key has been ransacked. He goes over to look. Snideface appears. "I came looking for you," he says. He's holding the octagonal key. Clark approaches Snideface. "You...are the one," Snideface says, backing away. Clark tells him that he needs help. "No. You need to die," Snideface says. He holds up his hand, makes his face look all old, and blasts Clark. Stop, in the name of the season finale! Clark explodes through the side of the barn. He lands hard on the ground outside. Snideface comes at Clark. Clark holds his stomach. Snideface busts another energy beam at Clark's chest. Clark looks pained. Snideface raises Clark off the ground with pure energy. Clark rises about fifteen feet. As he's in the air, struggling, Clark's eyes light up. He ejaculates a beam of heat at Snideface. Snideface, with a nasty shoulder burn, lets go of Clark with his beam. They both hit the ground. As they both get up, Clark tells Snideface that he's making a mistake. Snideface says he's doing it for mankind. And the kids. Snideface loves them kids. Clark superzips away as Snideface shoots another energy beam. Clark hides behind a fuel tank, and Snideface shoots right at it. It explodes. Snideface screams. FIRE! Snideface, I will truly miss you. He's now extra-crispy Snide. In fact, Clark goes over, and we see a nasty black hand sticking up. Yeah, I'd say it's time to mark another supporting character off the bios list.
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The bubbling fountain outside Lex's castle. Inside, Lex is having a romantic nightcap with Dropkick. He says that things were uneventful except for Clark's "migraine." The magic's gone, isn't it, Lex? Lex hands Dropkick some wine. He senses something's wrong. He asks what it is. When she says nothing, he says that they have to be completely honest with each other, and reminds her that she's always saying that. Dropkick says she found MamaKent's file in Lex's bookshelf. She says the file was from her office. Lex says he got it from a disease control agent investigating her case. She says Lex bribed someone for it. Lex goes all smooth and says the Kents are very important to him. He says he was concerned about MamaKent's health. He asks what she was looking for. "Something that was stolen from my office," she says. Lex asks whether she thinks he was involved in the break-in. "Please tell me you weren't," she says sadly. Lex looks away. He says that if she thinks he's capable of that kind of deceit, maybe she shouldn't be marrying him. He didn't really answer the question. Dropkick, resigned, says, "Maybe you're right." She puts her wine down, gets up, and leaves the room. Nice red dress. Lex puts his own wine down. He goes over to a cabinet. He pushes a secret button and makes a panel lift. It looks like pretty flimsy security. He takes out a metal box, looks over to the door, and pulls out a sealed metal vial. He opens it. It lets out some smoke. Inside is a blood sample. You bastard-in-training!
Kent Kitchen. Clark is looking at the octagon piece on the table. "I had to pry it from his hand," he said. If it's a weapon, maybe Snideface is a member of the NRA. MamaKent, sitting to Clark, tells him it's not his fault. She says that the man tried to kill him. Bo says that even Sheriff Fresh Step agrees. So she didn't have any questions about the blown-out barn wall or the beam of electricity that set off the fireball? And who's gonna pay for all that? "What if he's right?" Clark asks bitterly. He wonders if he's a threat to mankind. MamaKent says she doesn't believe that and neither should Clark. Clark asks what it all means, then. Bo says they don't know. But when and if "The Day" comes, they know Clark will do the right thing. Rule, dude, rule! Close-up of the octagon piece on the table.
Autopsy lab. Papa Luthor is standing with a female coroner. She tells him that Snideface's body was burned beyond recognition. But they could tell it was him beause the body gives off a snide odor. The coroner shows Papa Luthor something. Snideface's charred hand is still flesh where he was holding the octagon piece. The symbols from the piece were burned into his hand. Ew. She says she's never seen anything like this. Papa Luthor rubs his beard. For a second, I think he's gonna flirt with the lady. "Send it to me," he says instead, and starts to walk out of the lab. "Send you what?" the coroner asks. Papa Luthor stops at the door and says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "The hand." Magnificent!
The Fortress of Epilogueitude. Lana, still in her dress from the rehearsal, finds Clark in the loft, his telescope angled up. Music is playing. Clark sees Lana and says he never got a chance to tell her how beautiful she looked. Clark is back in flannel. And loving it. Lana says she just wanted to see Clark. She tells Clark she thought his toast was beautiful. Along with "Complicated," "Beautiful" is also a new teen-approved adjective. Clark says he had some inspiration. Gut me. Kill me. Somebody. Please. Lana says she's sorry for the relationship confusion. "I'm scared," she says. Clark says he is, too. Lana says that Clark has so many secrets in his life. Oh, he knows. He says he doesn't want his feelings for Lana to be one of them. Neither does she. Can you just get it over with? They do. Clark comes over and they kiss again as the strummy strummy girly rock plays. Clark lifts Lana up a bit, then puts his hands on he face as he kisses her. We pull back far enough to see Chloe, halfway up the stairs, watching them. She starts crying and walks out. So nobody heard her car pull up or Chloe clomping along the wood barn? Whatever, dude.
Downstairs, later. Clark and Lana are saying their goodbyes for the night. Still virgins, the both of them, I'm thinking. Clark lets Lana walk home alone in a town full of mutants and stalkers. He stops smiling when he hears a voice in his head. "Kal-El," the voice says, "it is time." The Day? But it's night! Clark goes outside. An orange, misty light is shining from the storm cellar door. Neither Lana nor Chloe noticed it. The voice repeats itself. Clark goes over, opens the cellar door and unleashes a lot more orange light. He starts stepping down to where the ship is. "To be continued..." Aw. Fuck.
week: The last episode of the season. Clark gets an "8" burned on his chest! Did he go to New Orleans for the weekend?