Counting down, people. The season's end approaches, and instead of the crapfest filler we had around this time in Season One, there's actually an interesting mix heading down the home stretch. (Note: What qualifies as "interesting" may vary among viewers.)
We open on a movie-theater screen showing an old black and white movie, House on Haunted Hill (1959). On screen, a woman holding a candle and a man holding a candle are about to be separated. "Is she crazy?" says Pete in the audience. He's sitting to Clark, who's sitting to Lana, who's sitting to Chloe. "Get that candle and get your butt out of there!" Pete yells at the screen. On my God, Smallville, no you didn't. Perpetuating the "Black People Yell At Movie Screens" stereotype? That is wrong on so many levels. If I could see your white hands right now, I'd smack them with a ruler. Clark tells Pete he doesn't think the woman can hear him. Black people so crazy! Chloe shushes them and tells Pete and Clark to hit the mute button. This is the first time we've watched people actually watching a movie in the Talon theater. The woman in the movie taps on the wall theway her male companion told her to. She turns and a creepy old guy with frizzy white hair suddenly appears. Michael Jeter back from the dead, no! The woman screams. Lana jumps and put her hand on Clark's. Clark notices the hand. Chloe notices the hand. Lana, ten minutes later, seems to notice that an appendage of her body is touching someone else. She slips her hand away. It should come as no surprise that Lana's wearing pink. Long shot on Clark as he tries to get his boner to settle down.
Later that evening... Outside shot of The Talon. The marquee reads, "Fright Fest -- House on Haunted Hill." The sign is turned off. Inside, Lana is clearing all kinds of trash from between the aisles. None of her friends offered to help clean? No wonder Lana's all messed up. The lights suddenly go off. Lana looks around in the dark, and we hear a footstep crunch on something. "Hello?" Lana calls out. Lana asks who's there. Suddenly, the projector starts up and we hear "Ring Around the Rosie" being sung by a little girl. On screen are two girls playing. One of them sits on a chair and waves. Lana watches the screen and gulps heavily. Behind Lana, the doors close. Knowing what I know about the rest of the episode, how did the little girl know how to work a theater movie projector? And how did she have her little home movies in a compatible format? Just sayin'. The seats around Lana move. Lana's fixated on the screen as the little girl offers the cameraperson an apple. Lana looks down and sees the same little girl who's on screen right in front of her. The girl calls her by name. "You're so big," Creepy Crazy Little Girl says. That's right little girl, she's big! Huge, I tells ya! She's gonna be a big star! Did ya see the cover of TV Guide? Huge! Lana backs away and starts running up the aisle, but, whup, there's Creepy Crazy Little Girl again, right in front of her. She's fast. Lana screams. The little girl asks why Lana is scared. Well, because you're a Creepy Crazy Little Girl. (CCLG for short.) Lana runs the other way, but CCLG shows up on the stage. "Do you want to play with me?" she asks. Lana runs back the other way because it didn't work the first time. Lana turns and this time it's Clark behind her. ACK! Don't do that, Clark! Clark asks what's going on. Lana, panting, looks in the theater but doesn't see CCLG. And the movie has been turned off, too. Lana explains to Clark -- or tries to, between shallow breaths. But before she can give any useful info, Lana says she saw "nothing." Lana looks back at the theater. She and Clark leave under the EXIT sign. We pan across the theater and see a stuffed bunny. The little girl holding it is sad. And creepy.
Opening credits! Nothing creepy about that. Except...oh, I guess there isn't. Commercials are creepy, though.
We spy Lana through a window and some curtains (hey, who doesn't) as she sits on her bed and looks at old photo flipbook. She stares at a picture of Creepy Crazy Little Girl and another girl, who I think we can all figure out is Lana as a young, cursed girl. The girls look chummy. "That's my favorite dress!" ACK! It's CCLG. Don't do that! Lana jumps and says, "You're not real." The little girl protests that she is indeed real. She's keepin' it real, in fact. Lana tells the girl that she died. CCLG looks confused. A knock at the door. Clark says that Chloe's dad told him Lana was in the room. Lana goes to the door as scary music plays and the camera goes all unhinged. If we already know Clark is on the other side of the door, why is this supposed to be suspenseful? Lana opens the door. She and Clark look around and there's no little girl. Lana's still scared. Clark assures Lana that she can say anything, just like that Ione Skye chick. Lana asks Clark whether he believes in ghosts. Suspenseful music crescendos.
The bridge over the River Cheese. Lana shows Clark where she and the little girl used to float boats made out of flowers. "They always sunk [sic] before they got around the bend," Lana says helpfully. She's wearing blue instead of pink, by the way. Clark asks if this is where the little girl drowned. Lana, near tears, says it was raining. The bridge was slippery. Lana stops. Clark puts a hand on her shoulder for comfort. Lana holds Clark's hand. Lana sniffles and says that the funny thing is, CCLG always believed in ghosts. Whenever a candle went out or a curtain rustled, she said it was Lana's mom trying to talk her. Oh, don't palm off Lana's craziness of some dead little girl. Lana says she always thought the ghost thing was just make-believe. Lana says that maybe this is her friend's way of showing Lana that the dead really can communicate. I thought that ideology was done away with by the cancellation of Miracles. Clark must not believe, because he tries to punch holes in that theory. He asks why a ghost waited so long to communicate. Lana doesn't know. Clark is thinking "rational explanation." Clark asks about the girl's parents. Lana says they split up, but that her dad lives in Grandville now. Why not go visit him?
Hey, I was just kidding. Oh man, Clark and Lana really do go to harass some poor dead girl's poor living father. Hey, it's that janitor from Scrubs! I love him! He's dressed kinda snazzy, but maybe that's just because I'm used to seeing him in a blue jumpsuit. He breathes heavily as he sees Lana and Clark approach in the faithful red truck. He asks if they can read the "No trespassing" signs. Lana introduces herself. "Well look at you," Creepy Dead Girl's Daddy says bitterly, "all grown up." Damn. I know I get on Lana a lot, but this is the first time I've ever seen somebody snark on her just for making it past childhood. Lana says that this is going to sound strange, but she thinks she saw CCLG. Creepy Dead Girl's Daddy twitches at the mouth and asks if this is some sort of sick joke. No, it's a clean one. Lana says she's seen the girl twice. Clark interjects that they figured if anyone else had seen her, it'd be the daddy. He says sure he's seen her. He sees her in the wind, when a child is on a swing, blah blah blah missmydaughtercakes. He says that a parent never gets over a child's death. Then he gets into his blue car and drives off. Something tells me he's not being totally truthful here.
Lair of Lex. There's wedding cake everywhere! A busybody-looking redhead comes up to Lex and marmishly tells him that she thought quick decision-making would be his forte. Lex, staring balefully at a cake, says that's why he made the quick decision to put Dr. Dropkick in charge of the wedding. Yeah, she's got nothing better to do. She's just a doctor. The woman says she doesn't see Dropkick around, and they've got three weeks 'till the wedding. That's a bit of a rush, isn't it? Most people take a year to plan this stuff out. Maybe Lex got Dropkick pregnant. The woman answers her ringing cell phone. Our favorite bastard who is magnificent strolls in and tells Lex that he knew his son had some vices, but he didn't know gluttony was one of them. Hee. Papa Luthor picks up a slice of cake and digs in. Lex says that if anyone's an authority on the seven deadly sins, it's Papa Luthor. "Mmm, Amaretto truffle," Papa Luthor says with a mouthful of cake. "Can I have a glass of water, please?" Gold, baby! Pure comedic gold! Papa Luthor explains that the liquor seems to be overpowering the butter. This guy needs his own series. Maybe he could play the devil! A woman with severe glasses hands Papa Luthor a glass of water. He sips. Lex, amused, says he appreciates Papa Luthor's epicurean input, but wonders why dad is in Smallville. Papa Luthor pulls out an envelope and hands it to Lex. He says he wanted to deliver a wedding gift in person because it's obvious he won't be receiving a wedding invitation. Lex says that Papa Luthor offered the woman he loves $100,000 to leave him. Papa Luthor says he did Lex a favor; it was the ultimate test of loyalty. Try a million. Papa says she passed with flying colors, and now Lex should be thanking him. Lex says his thank-you note must be lost in the mail, along with Papa Luthor's invite. Oh, manners. Papa tells Lex to open the envelope. A new car! Oh, wait. It's a Caribbean honeymoon. "Your own private island," Papa Luthor says to Lex, invitingly. Lex would have preferred Idaho. Papa says he'll throw in the Luthorcorp jet, too. This sure beats a barbecue tongs set. "Why?" Lex asks. Papa puts his hands on Lex's shoulders. "I just want you to be happy," he says. I shiver. Lex almost looks convinced.
Smallville High. The flowers are in bloom! Clark is staring at a computer screen. I never noticed that his desk had so many toys on it. Chloe walks in. She says that when Clark turned in his press badge, he forfeited his computer privileges. Clark looks annoyed. Chloe takes off her coat and shows off some Chloeavage. She says it's school policy. (The computer thing, not the Chloeavage.) Clark says he's trying to help Lana. "Of course you are!" Chloe says brightly. "What are you saving her from today?" Clark says that Lana is being haunted by a little girl who died six years ago. Chloe wants to be pissed, but now she's all curious. She asks Clark to explain. Clark says that Lana thinks it's a ghost, but Clark is leaning toward a Kryptonite-style explanation. Chloe says this goes against her Wall of Weird leanings, but maybe this is just Lana's subconscious dealing with everything she's been through. But must we suffer with her? Clark asks whether Chloe thinks Lana's just seeing things. He scoffs that she's not crazy. Incredibly needy, totally unlucky, pathetically worshipped, yes. Crazy? Nah. Chloe says there's a lot about Lana that Clark doesn't know. Lesbian things. Chloe says that Clark doesn't hear Lana crying in her room at 3 in the morning. Maybe Clark's just not trying hard enough. (I'm rolling my eyes through this whole scene, by the way. Even when Lana's not in a scene, it still manages to be All About the Lana.) Chloe says that when it comes to Lana, what Clark sees is just a mask. A heavily made-up one. Clark asks why Chloe is telling him this. Chloe says that regardless of what's going on, Lana is still Chloe's friend. Chloe starts to walk out. Clark thanks her. Chloe tells Clark to lock up when he's done. After Chloe leaves, we move to a Smallville Ledgerfront page on a computer screen. "Local Girl Drowns," the headline reads, and the creepy girl is pictured there in her same dress, looking very "Black Hole Sun" around the mouth. She's said to have died April 14, 1996.
Creepy Crazy Little Girl's house. She's singing "Ring Around the Rosie" as her dad walks up. Hey, I think he was lying to Lana and Clark! You bastard! The yard looks dilapidated. There's a weird green ball in the background. Dad says he's been looking all over for the girl. She's on a sad-looking old swing. She says that everything's different. "Where are all the bunnies?" she asks. They both look over at a set of empty rabbit cages. He says they can talk about it when they get home. "This is our home, daddy," CCLG says. He says it's not anymore. Their home is in Grandville now. CCLG pouts. She says she doesn't understand why Lana said she died. Oh. Man. Creepy! "Lana doesn't know what she's talking about," CCLG's dad explains. CCLG says that Lana does: "She's my best friend." She stops the swing. He offers his hand. "No!" she says. She says she's not going and she doesn't want to be locked up anymore. She wants to be a normal girl, and she wants to play with Lana. Dad gets serious. He says CCLG's never to see Lana Lang ever again. Can he decide that for all of us, too? Pouty, CCLG says Dad can't tell her what to do and she'll do as she pleases. Dad moves to grab her, but she superzips away at blur speed. Dad looks around. A windmill that was in the yard comes at him, spike first, and punctures through his gut. He grunts. That's one angry little girl! The swing moves lazily. Dad is on the ground, the spike through his torso.
Commercials. Eating a salad at McDonald's is like going to North Dakota for some good Thai food.
Graveyard! The site of many teary-eyed stares between Clark and Lana on this show. Clark has dragged poor Pete along with him; Pete complains about grave-spelunking in the rain. Clark says they have to rule out the zombie theory. There was a zombie theory? Pete says that if Creepy Little Crazy Girl is a ghost, she wouldn't appreciate Clark scoping out her coffin. On the contrary. I think she'd be flattered. Clark finds the grave. It says "Emily Eve Dinsmore, January 20, 1986, April 14, 1996. Loving child, blessed angel." To make the point more clear, the gravestone is a huge cherub. Clark reads the gravestone aloud. Clark x-ray-visions the grave. Inside, he sees a coffin and a skeleton. Now that's creepy. Clark says that the body hasn't been touched. Pete notices something and points. It's CCLG, all wet from the rain and holding a stuffed bunny. She looks amazingly sad. As Clark watches her, she suddenly zips out of frame. "Where did she g--" Pete begins, and suddenly everything goes into...well, not bullet time. All the raindrops freeze in mid-air and start dropping really, really slowly as Clark moves about in a slow-motion world. I guess we'd call it rain time? Clark watches CCLG as she passes and the raindrops hang in the air, splooshing by us as the camera swirls around. The girl runs. Clark chases her. Pete unfreezes and notices that Clark is gone. Clark follows CCLG into a crypt, but somehow loses sight of her right in the entrance. He does find a necklace, though. The pendant is a gold heart. It's very teen-hearthrob, isn't it -- Clark all wet from the rain and holding a gold heart necklace?
Talon. Lana is locking up when suddenly a tiny shape throws itself against the frosted glass of the front door. Scream, Lana, scream! CCLG calls for Lana, who runs the other way. Lana notices the blue kitchen door swinging. Lana looks around, terrified. CCLG is now standing in the Talon. "I know why you're scared of me," the little girl says. Lana breathes heavily. Hundreds of horny fanboys make MP3 sound samples. The little girl says she saw her own grave. That's enough to bum anyone out. The girl patiently explains that she's not dead. Lana asks, still not convinced, who the girl is. "I'm Emily, silly," CCLG says. Lana turns. Of course, the girl is there again. Lana asks what she wants. CCLG says that her dad wouldn't let her play with Lana anymore. "Did you do something bad?" the little girl asks. Oh, if I only had enough time to list it all. Lana -- who is just one big pink bag of nerves at this point -- hears a noise at the door and turns again. This time, it's Clark, calling her name. Lana runs and unlocks the door. Clark comes in. "She's here," Lana says breathlessly. Clark strides in, all full of purpose. But he doesn't see the girl. Lana says she was just there. Clark takes Lana by the arms and says he believes her. Clark says that the little girl isn't a ghost. He tells Lana he saw her at the graveyard, and he shows Lana the necklace he found. The necklace has little roses on it. Lana says that the girl's dad gave her that necklace because she wanted one like Lana's. You mean the green one? Lana says it can't be the same person; she couldn't still be ten years old. Clark also explains that the girl moves faster than the speed of sight. "How?" Lana asks. Clark says he doesn't know, but at least Lana's not losing her mind. Aw. That probably would have been more interesting to see. Lana thanks Clark.
Medical Center. Papa Luthor comes out of a hospital room. Lex is in the same hallway and notices him. Lex asks if Papa Luthor's back again from Metropolis. "Awfully long drive for quality health care," he notes. Papa Luthor asks if Lex is following him, because that would be obsessive. Lex says he heard that Papa Luthor was there and just wanted to make sure he's fine. Papa Luthor says he's visiting a former worker. He's unconscious, though, Papa says. Lex says that's quite something -- getting a visit from the CEO. Papa Luthor blabs about treating employees like family. God help them. "That would explain the lack of loyalty," Lex snarks. Papa calls Lex out for being too cynical. Lex says he's just wondering why Papa Luthor is spending so much time in town. To liven up the damn show! Papa Luthor says he's always tried to be a good dad (cough bullshit cough), but he's worried about Lex's paranoid, obsessive tendencies. Papa Luthor says that indulging those impulses makes one lose perspective on what really matters. An elevator bings and Papa Luthor boards it. Papa asks if Lex is coming. Lex stays off. Boy, Lex sure has a mighty knob on the back of his head. He turns and takes a look at Creepy Little Crazy Girl's dad. Lex -- who practically lives at the hospital -- walks into the room. When he turns to leave, CCLG is sitting there. CCLG says she tried to wake up her dad. "He needs to take care of me," she says. She says she has nowhere to go. Maybe you shouldn't have speared his gut like an olive pimento. Lex kneels in front of the girl and asks her name. Lex says he thinks their daddies are friends. "He's a bad man," she says of Papa Luthor. Lex asks if Papa Luthor did something to her dad. "He took the bunnies away," she says. (The ones in the backyard.) Lex says he should maybe talk to her mom. When he turns to ask about her, the little girl is gone.
There is indeed a "No trespassing" sign in front of Janitor Dad's house. It's nighttime, and the large home is looking scary as we peer at it over a picket fence. Inside, Clark and Lana have broken and entered. I thought the girl's dad was living in Grandville now. Yet there are still working lamps and electricity in this house. As Clark and Lana look around with flashlights, we hear a girl's voice say "You're my best friend!" several times. They climb down some stairs to investigate. They walk through a door and find a fully-decked-out little girl's room. Stuffed animals, stuff on shelves. Clark finds a film projector, which presumably was showing the home movies. "This must be what you saw at the Talon," Clark says. Isn't this 16mm film? It wouldn't be the same film format as that used in a real theater, would it? A totally scary doll turns its head and says, "You're my best friend!" Heebie! Jeebies! Lana grabs the doll. "Who needs human companionship when you can have a Gabby Abby?" Lana asks. Or a Loopy Lana. Lana -- wearing all blue, with even a blue scarf -- notices a diary on a little tea table. Lana says she remembers the book. It was given to the little girl when she was nine. Lana flips through the diary. The last entry says, "Monday. I hope it does'nt [sic] rain tomorrow. Lana and I are going to the river. We are going to be best friends forever." There's a little drawing of a bunny. Lana reads it out loud. The holds a photo of the two girls. Clark looks around the room. He x-rays a set of shelves. He notices some flickering lights behind it. Ooh, a secret passageway! Clark moves the shelves and finds some sort of security system. Lana doesn't even notice, so Clark has to call her over. Clark pulls open the lock. They go down another set of stairs, flashlights in hand. They find a very elaborate underground lab, containing what appears to be Michael Jackson's last three beds, each with its own set of flashing lights in the front. The blue-lit chambers are frozen. Clark wipes away some frost, and sees that inside one of the chambers is a little Creepy Little Crazy Girl with a tube in her nose. The other two chambers contain identical girls. Lana looks into one of the others and a girl's eyes open up. Lana screams, backs up, and knocks over a bunch of glass canisters of green goo. Clark tries to come over, but he has an allergic reaction. Crazy music plays. Lana watches the little girl in one of the chambers as her eyes open. Lana comes over to Clark. He suggests that they get out of there. They do, without taking any photos or gathering any evidence of the lab's existence. Just so you know.
Commercials! Wait, they used makeup in the movie Chicago? Oh, I just don't believe that.
Kent kitchen. Lana and Clark have told the Kents the story. Bo Duke is glad they called the police. "He's trying to clone his daughter?" MamaKent asks. Way to stay ahead of the game there, Ma. Bo suggests that somebody had to pay a lot of money for all of this. It's all about money to you, isn't it, Bo? Clark says that the Janitor Dad was even trying to give a clone the same memories as his dead daughter. "That little girl must be so confused," Lana says. And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to... Lana feels guilty that she scared the girl away. She puts on her jacket to go find CCLG. Clark says that it's not a good idea. MamaKent suggests that until they know more, Lana should stay with them. Clark shoots MamaKent a glance. Before Lana can decide, there's a knock at the door. Hey! Sheriff Kitty Kitty Bang Bang! She says they followed up on Clark's "story." The sheriff says, with an evil, evil smile, that David Copperfield must have gotten there first. (Maybe he performed his "Tornado of Fire"!) The sheriff isn't annoyed that Clark and Lana broke into the house to find this "lab"?
The scene is Clark, flashlight in hand, back at the House of Creepy. Where there had been a lab, now there's just a bunch of basement crap. How did they move everything out so fast? It's not like the little fast-moving girl could have hefted all that equipment. Clark finds Creepy Little Crazy Girl on a rocking chair. She's moping that she saw "them." Clark asks if she means the people who moved the equipment. "Sleeping girls," she says. (Shiver.) "Why are they like me?" she asks. She's crying. Clark kneels. He starts to explain. CCLG says that her dad told her she can't remember anything because she had an accident. A scientific accident, yes. Clark tells her she doesn't remember because she didn't write that. "A different Emily wrote that," Clark says. I can't even imagine what's going through her head. The little girl makes the connection that the girl who did write it is the one buried in the cemetery. "This is her story," Clark says, "but you have to write your own." Aw, crap, homework?! Emily asks why her dad lied. Clark says that her dad probably figured telling her the truth would make her feel different. Clark says there's nothing wrong with being different. Why, he's different, too! He says it doesn't change who they are. "Yes it does!" she says, and suddenly zips away.
Clark turns around, and there's a light flashing back at him. Why, I know when a mighty beam of white hits Clark in the face. It must be from Lex! Clark asks Lex what he's doing there, waving that big, cylindrical object in his direction. Lex says he might ask the same of Clark. Lex says he met the little girl and was intrigued about her death. Clark asks whether Lex knows anything about the lab that was down there. Lex doesn't know. Clark says that's why Papa Luthor's been refining meteor rock. Lex looks where Clark said the stuff recently was. But never mind all that. They take a brief moment to have a Gayest Look of the Episode. It's quick, but it's potent. Much like Lex. Lex tells Clark that before he left Luthorcorp, Janitor Dad was working on a way to speed up cell growth. He says he could grow a rabbit to adulthood in days. "Using the meteor rocks as Miracle-Gro," Clark says. Oh, man. Clunkiest product placement ever. (Well, apart from "The Talon Mix," at least.) Clark surmises that that's why the girl looks ten years old so quickly. "All ethics aside, it's an astonishing accomplishment," Lex says, as he goes over to Clark. In the dark. Clark is mad that the little girl doesn't know who she is. Oh, emotions. They both look at the empty little rocking chair.
Lana at Clark's house. She's doing homework. Lana hears a noise coming from near the kitchen. Outside, a hanging plant is moving through the window. Lana looks outside. She pulls back a curtain. A shutter closes. Lana jumps. She goes back to her homework. She sits down. CCLG is sitting to her. The music swells, but Lana doesn't jump that much. The little girl gives Lana a drawing. She smiles. Creepily. Lana tries to talk to the girl. "Are you ready to go to the river?" the girl asks. Lana says not today. The girl zips away and stands, holding her bunny. She asks if Lana doesn't want to be her friend anymore. Lana says she does, but... The little girl wants to race Lana to the river so that things can be like they were before. She zips out and through the back door. Lana follows, grabbing her jacket on the way.
Hospital. Janitor Dad is in bed. Hey, I just realized he's in his natural habitat! The hospital! Hooray for Scrubs. The guy notices Lex walking in and wakes up. Lex is wearing a pink shirt under a suit jacket. Weird. Janitor Dad asks whether Lex is there about CCLG. "She's a remarkable girl," Lex says. CCLG's dad asks if she's been found, and Lex says she hasn't. He says his dad is looking for her, and that she'll never be safe in his care. Lex offers to protect her. Lex asks if CCLG's dad doesn't want CCLG to have a normal life. Her dad says he does, but that the accelerated growth caused severe chromosomal damage. So severe, in fact, that she's not got a blemish on her, huh? The only thing damaged, it seems, is that she has no conscience. "She's dangerous," her dad says.
Kent kitchen. Clark walks in. He doesn't see Lana at her homework, in front of the fireplace. Clark calls for Lana. MamaKent hasn't seen her. Hey, she looks pregnant! Clark finds the drawing CCLG did. It's her and Lana, holding hands near a bridge.
The real bridge. Nobody's bothered to fix a railing and it looks wet, leafy, and dangerous. CCLG is dancing and singing. Lana is worried and tells her to stop. Lana tells the girl that they've been out there before. The girl asks if that's why her dad is mad at Lana. Lana reaches out and tries to explain. She says it was raining. Lana fell in and the original Emily went in after her. The girl swam beside Lana, telling her she could make it. When Lana looked back (she's near tears telling the story), the girl was too far away and the current was taking her. CCLG is mad that Lana didn't save her. Lana is blubbering. "I thought you were my best friend!" CCLG yells. Lana cries that if she could go back, she'd change that day. Lana says it should have been her. (No comment, although I'm thinking lots of different thoughts at this point.) Lana reaches out to the girl. She zips around Lana. "This time it will be," the girl says. She drops the bunny and pushes Lana into the river. Yay! Er...I mean, "oh no!" Lana screams and plunges in. In a matter of, like, five seconds, Lana's already unconscious. Clark zips past the little girl and dives in. He finds Lana, down at the bottom, not floating at all. (See? She's not even the kind of dead wood that can float.) Clark puts Lana on a rock. He performs CPR. Notice, he has to move her upper lip to give her mouth-to-mouth. Lana spits up water and wakes up. She coughs and sputters. "Clark. Hold me," she says. Oh. Gawd. He holds her. We get a wide shot of the bridge. Clark and Lana are wet and in love. We go to commercials.
The WB presents Reba. For those who don't understand the concept of "Friday night."
Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor shows up, asking why Lex is leaving him urgent phone messages after trying to shun him recently. Lex -- who is still wearing that weird purple/pink shirt, and hitting the decanter -- asks, "How does it feel to play God, dad?" Papa Luthor scoffs. In a God-like way. Papa Luthor says he left a brunch with the governor. Lex says he knows Papa Luthor reopened Level 3. (From way back in "Jitters.") "Ah-oh. The ominous Level 3," Papa Luthor says mockingly. Lex accuses Papa Luthor of turning Level 3 into smaller, undetectable labs. Papa Luthor protests, but Lex gets right to it. He accuses Papa of genetically engineering human beings. Papa Luthor totally accuses Lex of being a paranoid loony with a penchant for science fiction. Lex says he saw Creepy Little Crazy Girl with his own eyes. Papa Luthor says that if Lex had been paying attention to business instead of this crap, he would have noticed that Papa Luthor got control of the caves from the state today. "That's impossible," Lex says, clearly shaken and not stirred. He says he was under contract for five years. Papa Luthor says that the governor heard about some accidents and even deaths that occurred under Lex's watch. Lex is totally beaten here. Papa Luthor sort of apologizes. He says he always tried to teach Lex to keep a sharp eye on the ball. It's not just one ball Papa Luthor should be worried about with Lex and the watching. Lex: pissed.
Clark and Bo Duke, having a moment. "Smooth as silk," Clark says, referring to a crib that Bo just put together. Bo out of nowhere says that the baby is going to be a lucky kid, having Clark for an older brother. Well, yeah. Having an older brother with superpowers tends to give you an advantage in the schoolyard. Clark gets all gushy. Someone knows. Bo puts a blanket over the crib to hide it. It's Lana. Bo says that the Sheriff is still looking for CCLG, but Bo's worried about Lana. He asks how she's doing. Everyone in Smallville, by law, is required to see how Lana's doing at least once a day. Lana says she's worried about the little girl, after all she's been through. Even though the girl just tried to drown her. Lana asks if she can borrow Clark for a few minutes.
The Barnness of Non-Nookietude. Clark asks what's up, since Lana is acting so mysterious all of a sudden. "Us, kinda," Lana says. She leads Clark up to the loft. She thanks Clark for, you know, saving her life. Actually, she's only thanking Clark for not thinking she's insane, and not for the whole Breath of Life thing. "You always believe in me," Lana says. Clark is giddy and alive with pleasure. Clark asks what the hell she's talking about. Lana says that she feels Clark has created a perfect picture of who she is. Um, that's not Clark -- that's Miles and Al. "That's what I see," Clark says. Ooh, wrong answer. Don't you want to look inside her soul? Lana says that this may sound silly (oh, try us), but that she has a fear that once Clark gets to know the real her, he'll be disappointed that she's not as strong or good as he thinks. Oh, like the rest of the world already figured out? Lana's worried that it'll change the way Clark thinks of her. Meanwhile, Avril Lavigne has just joined us with "I'm With You." Gee, thanks, WB. Clark goes to Lana, in time with the song. "Nothing could ever do that," he says. Lana turns to Clark. She looks at him, dewy-eyed. She walks slowly to him. She looks deep into his eyes. She takes his hand. She takes his other hand. "Maybe it's me [sic] that needs to start believing in you," she says quietly. Smiles. We pull back and watch the two of them standing like statues, holding hands. That's it. No kiss, no hug, nada. Even Rory's not this chaste anymore on Gilmore Girls.
God, glad that's over with. In a much more interesting part of town, sans Avril, Papa Luthor is staring through a window. "We'll do better time," he says. We hear Janitor Dad ask whether that means he can continue the project. Papa Luthor says no. He says that Janitor Dad has already jeopardized the project once. Janitor Dad says that Papa Luthor wanted a prototype. Papa Luthor says that this phase has brought them closer to their goal, but adds, "I don't want you working on the project any longer." He says that Janitor Dad is too emotionally involved. "She's flawed," JD sputters (hey, Janitor Dad is "JD" the way J.D. is J.D. on Scrubs! Oh, the connections we can make when we try! ["And not only that, he did a bunch of voices on the late and very lamented Clone High." -- Wing Chun]), "but she's my daughter." I feel so bad for this guy. "She's not," Papa Luthor says. "She's a poor approximation." He says the "specimen" is "defective." Ouch. JD says that Papa Luthor can't take the girl away from him. Just then, we see what Papa Luthor was looking at. It's one-way glass into Creepy Little Crazy Girl's bedroom. She's being studied as she plays. "She's...my life," Janitor Dad says. He's about to cry, and man, this guy can seriously act. He touches the glass where the clone was just standing. "She's the property of Luthorcorp," Papa Luthor says. Janitor Dad grimaces.
Papa Luthor walks into CCLG's room. There are stuffed bunnies and dolls everywhere. He brings in a present with a big red bow. He says hello. "I don't like you," CCLG tells him. Papa Luthor puts on his best entertaining-kids voice. He sits at a tiny table with CCLG and says he thinks they got off on the wrong foot. "Look at this," he says and opens the box. Although there were no holes in the box, there's still a live white rabbit inside. The little girl perks up. Papa Luthor does a hilarious, rabbit-style grin. He asks if she wants to hold it. She does. Papa Luthor pets the rabbit. Outside, Janitor Dad watches, tears in his eyes. She asks about her dad. "You mustn't worry about him, Emily," Papa Luthor says. "I'm going to take very good care of you. You'll see." He raises a tiny pink teacup and saucer and drinks from it. Gah! Creepy! We pull back as Papa Luthor drinks and she plays with the rabbit. He asks what she's going to call the rabbit. "Bunny Buns," she says. As the camera continues to pull back, into the observation room where Janitor Dad watches, Papa Luthor says that's a beautiful name. We go to credits, but can still hear audio. "This tea is good," Papa Luthor says. "Can I have some more?" CCLG giggles.
Okay, I am totally creeped the fuck out. I gotta stop writing these recaps so late at night.
week: Professor Snideface! Burning 8-Ball Chest! Too much to think about!
Papa Luthor walks into CCLG's room. There are stuffed bunnies and dolls everywhere. He brings in a present with a big red bow. He says hello. "I don't like you," CCLG tells him. Papa Luthor puts on his best entertaining-kids voice. He sits at a tiny table with CCLG and says he thinks they got off on the wrong foot. "Look at this," he says and opens the box. Although there were no holes in the box, there's still a live white rabbit inside. The little girl perks up. Papa Luthor does a hilarious, rabbit-style grin. He asks if she wants to hold it. She does. Papa Luthor pets the rabbit. Outside, Janitor Dad watches, tears in his eyes. She asks about her dad. "You mustn't worry about him, Emily," Papa Luthor says. "I'm going to take very good care of you. You'll see." He raises a tiny pink teacup and saucer and drinks from it. Gah! Creepy! We pull back as Papa Luthor drinks and she plays with the rabbit. He asks what she's going to call the rabbit. "Bunny Buns," she says. As the camera continues to pull back, into the observation room where Janitor Dad watches, Papa Luthor says that's a beautiful name. We go to credits, but can still hear audio. "This tea is good," Papa Luthor says. "Can I have some more?" CCLG giggles.
Okay, I am totally creeped the fuck out. I gotta stop writing these recaps so late at night.
week: Professor Snideface! Burning 8-Ball Chest! Too much to think about!