Calling

Season finale already? It seems like just yesterday I was annoyed by Lana, wished Lex and Clark would finally get it on, and pointed out painful plot holes. Wait, that was yesterday. Never mind.

We open on a computer showing someone's hot brain. It's a computer-generated image of somebody's pulsating cranial activity. A computer-geek-looking guy in a white lab coat is staring at the screen. Something important must be happening. He goes over to an MRI machine where somebody is lying down, getting the head scan. The technician pushes a button to make the machine's clanking stops and causes a slab carrying a person to come out. Hey, it's Professor Snideface! Even in a mind-blown coma, he still looks kinda peeved. Lex shows up. He asks "Doctor Marcus" what was so urgent that he was needed. The technician -- who looks a bit like Beaker from the Muppets -- urgently says that Snideface's brain has completely normalized. Lex sexily says that considering what happened to Snideface, nothing about his condition surprises Lex. The pseudo-doctor asks what happened in the caves. He asks how a linguist gets his mind thrashed deciphering a Native American language. Maybe it was really good gossip. "If you had that answer, doctor," Lex says, "you'd be running the place." The guy smiles as if that would be just a peachy fantasy. Snideface suddenly pops awake. Ack! I know I wished for this with all my heart, but now that it's actually happening...I just don't know. Snideface stares, wide-eyed, with blue cataracts. I get a nasty LASIK flashback. Snideface clutches Lex. "The day is coming," Snideface says. "The day IS COMING!" Snideface says again as Lex tries to get that hand to stop gripping him. Junior Mint Doctor lays Snideface back down flat and Snideface closes those terrible eyes. Lex and Jr. Doctor are both, "Whatthafuck?"

The Barnness of Soon-to-Be-Total-Heterotude. Clark is studying. And to prove how hard he's studying, he erases something. Unfortunately what he was erasing said, "Plato = philosopher. Not Mickey's dog." Lana shows up. She's carrying a box. Clark closes his book. "It's almost midnight," Clark says. Lana -- wearing a weird blue jacket -- says she figured Clark would still be up. By which she means "awake." Lana asks if Clark is writing his term paper. Clark says he's writing his toast for Lex's rehearsal dinner for the wedding. If there's one thing Lex has always wanted Clark to do for him, it's to get toasty. Clark briefly describes the immense pressure of such an act. He asks about the box Lana's holding and whether he's supposed to guess what's in it. He squints for a second, but we don't get the sound effect, so I guess he didn't x-ray the box unless he did it sneakily and without letting the sound guy know. Lana tells Clark to close his eyes. He does. Hard. Lana turns around. She bends over a tad provocatively and sultrily says, "Don't peek." (Hey, I'm not about that, so just shut your mouth. I'm merely writing what I see.) Clark puts his big-ass hands over his face. Lana blows out a match. She presents Clark with something and smiles. It's a little cake with four candles. She says it's not his birthday for another seven minutes, but that she wanted to surprise him. "You did," Clark says and stands. He's not happy. Clark says it's not really his birthday. Oh, you ungrateful bastard. Just take the fucking cake, smile and eat it. Is that so hard, superbeing? Clark says this day is just a day his parents picked off a calendar for the adoption papers. How is that any more arbitrary than the random process of being born on a particular day anyway? Lana looks hurt and, for once, she didn't bring it on herself. She goes over to Clark, who really just needs to be kicked in the balls with a Kryptonite boot right now. She tells Clark that maybe they should celebrate the day Clark came into their lives. "I never thought of it that way," Clark says. Or, more to the point, "I never thought." Lana asks Clark to make a wish. Clark says he's been wishing for the same thing since he was five. Now, he says, he doesn't have to. He's been wishing for cake an awful long time. Oh, maybe not. He puts the cake aside, still lit. "She's standing right here in front of me," Clark says. Oh. Jeez. He was one horny five-year-old. Clark leans in. He and Lana kiss. Tentatively at first, then with a little more sugar and spice. The camera pulls back and the stars outside the loft window look awfully low. They manage to get the cake into the frame as Lana rubs Clark's arm and they continue to kiss. Way to go for that erogenous elbow, Lana.

Opening credits. Somebody saaaaaaave me! From all this hetero! Smallville doth protest too much.

Commercials. Talking monkeys? Hilarious. Talking monkeys selling organic shampoo? Suddenly, not so hilarious.

Kent Kitchen the morning. It pains me to say it, but equal time is equal time: We never saw Lana leave the barn. There. I said it. Behold the new Smallville: Now with 90% more Straight! Clark -- wearing jeans and a red sweater -- bounds down the stairs like he just stepped out of a salon. A sex salon. MamaKent is stirring something up in a bowl. She asks about Clark's "party." Clark does a take. "So you're the one who told Lana," he says. MamaKent -- who is officially TV pregnant since last week with the belly -- says she feels bad that they never made a to-do out of Clark's birthdays when he was growing up. They were afraid he'd pin the tail on the donkey and take out a wall. She says that it's a huge part of childhood, and that she feels guilty. Clark says she can fix all the mistakes she made with him with the kid. They're gonna spoil that kid like bananas in a plastic bag in my fridge. "So, um...Last night?" MamaKent asks, in a way that is wholly inappropriate for a mom to ask her teenaged son. Well, most moms. Fine, my mom. But I did know kids growing up who had mothers who were dirtier than we were. One of them used to call her son downstairs and he'd yell, "I'm coming!" and she'd yell back, "No you're not, you're just breathing hard!" I know. Ew. But back to MamaKent: Ew. Clark gives her a funny look and says, in maybe his best line reading all season, "Are you prying?" "Okay, never mind," MamaKent says, equally playful. Whups, no more sex talk. Bo Duke just walked in. You know, that sex talk isn't going to just repress itself. Lex follows Bo Duke in. "Look what the cat dragged in," Bo says. Nice way to treat a guest, assmunch. And doesn't that make you the cat, Bo? MamaKent offers Lex breakfast. Lex looks at the bowl and says he can't stay. He came to ask the Kents a favor. Lex says that he knows they've had their differences (Bo likes cows; Lex prefers the warm, but firm caress of an ox), but that he'd like the Kents to sit at his wedding rehearsal dinner table since his own parents won't be there. Bo bites his lip. He does his looking-down-burp look. Clark smiles like, "Yes, maybe I can't show it anymore, but that's my man!" and MamaKent seems also pleased. Bo says they'd be honored. Lex says that leaves one empty seat at the table, to Clark. "Any suggestions?" Lex asks. Clark smiles and takes a sip of orange juice. Wait, does that mean Clark is bringing a date from Florida?

Talon. Lana is writing some sort of note, and I think it says something about "Tim Bryce." Tina Bryce? Dr. Bryce? The Hell? Damn you, calligraphy! Chloe comes up and fills us in that it's to do with the wedding and that she wasn't invited. Lana looks uncomfortable. Chloe says it's not like she's waiting for a glass slipper and all that fairy-tale jazz. Lana laughs because what's better than giggling at Chloe's self-flagellation? Lana's not convinced that she won't be Servant Girl at the wedding. Chloe asks if that's what Lana was doing till 2 AM the night before. Uh... Lana says, "Yeah!" totally fake-like. As Lana prepares Chloe some coffee to shut her up, Chloe says she'd be willing to help. Clark comes up. He asks for a double espresso. Oh man. Gayest order ever. I bet Clark will raise his pinky when he drinks from the tiny cup. Chloe asks if Clark was "burning the midnight oil last night." I just hope his bed wasn't burning. Long pause. Clark looks to Lana. She looks back. Clark sorta-lies that he was working on a toast for Lex's dinner. Chloe gets the hint. Pete walks up for the sole purpose of contrasting the awkwardness. "Everybody okay?" he asks. Shut it, Pete. We'll call you when we need the DVD set pimped on the show. Clark: "Yeah." Chloe: "Great." Lana: "Perfect." Yes, you are, Lana. Yes you are. Pete and Clark take off. Chloe says she has ashes to sweep and wicked stepsisters to undermine. It's more noble when you don't blab about your martyrdom, Chloe. Pete is confused. Clark starts to ask Lana whether she said anything about the night before. She says she didn't. "I had a really good time last night," Clark says brightly. He asks if they can go out after the rehearsal dinner. Lana goes into confusion mode. She starts to brush Clark off. Clark says that if it's about last night, they can take is slow. Lana says that the night before may have been a mistake. She says she's busy and that she'll call Clark later. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, Clark.

Hospital. Lex and Dr. Dropkick walk past the chapel wearing almost matching outfits -- black coats over shirts with no ties; Lex has a blue shirt, Dr. Dropkick is wearing Uma Thurman big-collar white. Lex is looking over a heavily revised seating chart for the wedding. Blue seating is relatives who still talk to each other. Red is relatives who haven't spoken in at least five years. Yellow are buffer zones. Lex tells Dropkick that if medicine doesn't work out for her, she should work for the United Nations. I wonder if that was written before the whole Iraq thing. Lex tells her to put the Kents at their table; he says he asked them to sit in for his parents. Uh oh. He didn't run that by her first? Perhaps the only valuable lesson I've ever learned about women in this lifetime is that you don't go changing their wedding plans up without asking them, their mother, their maid of honor, and like five other uninvolved women if it's a good idea first. Bad, bad Lex. Dropkick,-- who probably is getting a weird vibe from this whole Kent thing -- asks if this wouldn't be a good time for Lex to reach out to his father. Ooh, maybe she is on his payroll. Lex says he's touched at her concern, but that a reconciliation isn't gonna happen. "The only family I need is you," Lex says, touching her chin. She smiles, but I'll bet most women would be creeped the fuck out by that sentiment.

Dropkick unlocks her office door (it's purple) and walks in. She is one messy doctor. Or, judging from the dramatic music, maybe her office was ransacked. Files are everywhere; a chair is overturned. "I don't believe this," she says. Yes, this is by far the most unbelievable thing that's happened in two seasons on this show. A locked tiny vault with a window is flashing a fluorescent light. It looks kind of like what my upgraded computer was going to look like inside the case if I had sprung an extra $9 for the cold blue cathode plug-in light. I am geeky, but I was unwilling to cross that extra line into true nerddom. Dropkick opens the little refrigerator vault. Lex says they should call the police. All her blood vials are missing. Lex asks if there's anything valuable that was taken. She doesn't answer before we cut to...

...Bo Duke, dismounting from a farm vehicle. He's talking to Dr. Dropkick. He asks her if anything important was taken in her office robbery. As the camera spins around them unnecessarily, she says the vial of blood she drew from Clark when he was sick ("Fever") is missing. Bo asks why she would even still have it. He's pissed. She says she kept it in case Clark got sick again. She says it wasn't labeled and there's no way anybody could connect it to Clark. Oh, really? Bo asks why anyone would want to steal it. That's a very good question. Bo has developed higher brain functions! She says the police think junkies may have been looking for drugs. Blood drugs. She looks very tiny in this scene, standing near Bo. "Or maybe somebody who wanted to make it look that way," she says. Dramatic music flashes, cueing us that she's doing an "I Accuse" on Bo. She says that she and Bo were the only ones who knew about Clark's blood. Bo asks whether she told anyone else. "Not even the man you're about to marry?" he asks. "Mr. Kent," she answers, "Lex is not the man you think he is." He's even gayer. Bo says that, considering she's about to spend the rest of her life (at least until her plot-contrivance death, which I'm sure is coming) with Lex, and considering what she knows about Lex's family, "You had better be right." Ford tough! Bo walks away. Dropkick flutters her eyes.

Stately Luthor Manor. Clark is sitting in Lex's office, across the desk. He says that maybe it's not a good idea that he's sitting to Lana at the rehearsal. Lex asks what happened. Clark says he doesn't know. Lex leans forward: "Clark. None of us really understands the fairer sex." Gayest. Look. Of the episode. Gayest line ever, for that matter. "That's why we're so captivated by them," Lex says. Yeah, Judy Garland, Cher, Madonna. Just captivating. Clark says he went for it last night. Oh yeah. Techno clubbin' at the Boyz Cellar! Lex asks if Lana shot Clark down. Clark says it was the opposite. She shot him up? With drugs? Clark says it was a perfect moment, but this morning... "She wanted to pretend it didn't happen," Lex finishes. Lex says that Clark has upped the stakes, and now Lana is scared. Lex says she wants to cut her losses. Looking right at Lex, Clark says the following: "But we're meant to be together. I've never been so sure about anything in my life." "Well, don't tell me, Clark," Lex says. I'm going to need a meat cleaver to cut through this deliciousness, people. "Tell her," Lex says. Or don't. You could just stay here.

Lana is riding her horse. She's wearing lots of blue again. She stops the horse in front of Clark and dismounts. Boy, is she tiny. She and Dr. Dropkick could be stunt doubles for Tom Cruise when he wears his hair long. Clark says that the night before was a big deal for him, and that if she doesn't feel the same way, she doesn't have to avoid calling him. Has it even been a day yet since their conversation at the Talon? Lana says it meant a lot to her, too. She says that things just feel a lot more complicated. I hereby blame Avril for giving teen girls everywhere an adjective for relationships that doesn't really say a goddamned thing. Clark asks whether this is about Chloe. No. It's About the Lana. All Lana, All the Time. Lana says that she is concerned about what's-her-face. She says that there are three friendships at stake, and that she doesn't want to lose the one with Clark. The other two? She could take them or leave them. Clark says that the friendship isn't going to go anywhere; it's just going to become something better. Oh, you poor, stupid man. Lana asks what happens if things don't work out. She asks if their friendship will survive. Clark doesn't know. He says he's wanted this for so long, he thinks it's worth taking a chance. Suddenly, we hear a floating voice: "The day is coming," it says. Lana doesn't hear it, but Clark starts getting distracted. He turns. The horse makes a noise. Overhead camera zooms down on Clark as he looks up. We hear the voice repeat itself. Lana looks freaked out. "I'm sorry, I have to go," Clark says. And he does. Kansan Man of Mystery.

Padded walls, mental ward. Snideface is up and walking, wearing white pajamas and pacing a cell, muttering, "The day is coming." Outside a huge round window, Lex and Jr. Doctor are watching. "What do you think it means?" Lex asks. Probably that it's nighttime. Lex says that the brain scans show Snideface's noggin is normal again. Snideface bangs on the glass. Hey, remember the day? Well, it's coming. Don't forget. His cataracts are gone. He goes back to pacing. Jr. Doctor -- who looks a little like James Spader -- says that the cataracts faded over the course of a day. They went to the Catarondacks. Lex asks how you could explain that. Well, I could, but it would ruin the pun. The young doctor says they need to sedate Snideface for his own safety. Snideface holds up a hand. Stop! In the name of love! "The day is coming," he says, lest we forget. He shoots a blue electric beam and shatters the glass. Lex and the doctor do a James Brown and jump back, kiss themselves. Snideface runs right past them. There's no security? Lex looks on after the departed professor and doesn't even give chase.

Commercials.

Back at the place of Professor Snideface's not-at-all-Hannibal Lecterish escape. We're looking at a spiral of symbols on the blueish ceiling of the padded-wall room. They're written in Clark's people's language. Lex tells Clark -- who is there for reasons we don't know yet -- that he thinks it says "'He is coming.'" Clark guesses that Snideface learned to read the symbols. Lex says no, it's just an educated guess based on Snideface's ramblings. Clark wonders how Snideface wrote the symbols up there. Lex says that apparently, he's figured out a way to emit energy from his hand. And if he doesn't stop it, he's going to go blind. Lex says he thinks it has to do with what happened to Snideface in the caves. Clark shifts uncomfortably and asks why Lex is telling him all this. Lex says that Clark found Snideface when he went into his mental state. He asks whether Clark could shed any light onto the situation. Clark says he already told Lex what he knows. Lex says that the symbols look like the ones that were burned on Clark's barn. Clark steps in some muck by saying he doesn't know how to read that language. Er, that's not what Lex asked. Lex says, "I believe you, Clark." But he totally doesn't. Clark asks what he's doing there. Um, alone with Lex in a room with lots of padding? Why, I honestly don't know. Lex says he thought that, given their mutual interest in the caves, they could solve this mystery "together." Yeah, forget marriage. This is much better. "I'm sorry, Lex," Clark says. "I'm as mystified as you are." Mystified! That's half-way to being in love.

Snideface at the caves. He's staring at one particularly choppy piece of cave with a spiral seemingly burned into it. Snideface holds out his hand (Stop! In the name of Lex!) and makes his most snide face. You could cut the snide with a machete in here. The camera zooms in on a little octagonal hole in the center of the spiral. Snideface's palm starts to glow with a symbol, and a bolt of energy shoots out from it and toward the octagonal hole. Snideface is still sneering. And where'd he get a jean jacket? The spiral starts to spin with its symbols glowing. The symbols shift and rearrange themselves from a spiral into a sort of sunburst. Snideface turns around and sees a drawing on the opposite wall of a dude shooting a beam at an octagonal drawing. The cave drawing dude has an "S" on his chest. Savior? Snideface? Stupid? "I know who you are," Snideface says. I'm Omar G. Pleased to meetcha.

Outside the Talon. Lots of American flags. "Silent Film Festival Show" is on the marquee. Inside, Lana has made a new best friend. She brings a tray of coffee and cup over to Dr. Dropkick and asks if she's planning a wedding rehearsal or a peace summit. Yes, the joke only gets better the more times the show tells it. Dropkick says it's hard to know what side everybody's on. Tell me about it. Last season on 24, I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Lana asks if she's not having second thoughts. Dropkick says it's all gotten very complicated. Argh! That word again! Now twentysomething professionals are using it too? When my parents start to use it, I'm calling "Game Over." Dropkick, by the way, is either using industrial-strength mascara, or she's got some fake eyelashes going. It takes a lot to out-raccoon Lana, but she's somehow done it. Dropkick asks Lana about her "tall, dark, handsome" boy troubles. Lana asks what Dropkick would do if she knew Lex was hiding something from her, but was being truthful about the important things, like the way he feels about her. "Would that be enough?" Lana asks. Dropkick says that Lana has to decide whether the part the person is willing to share is more important than not having the person at all. I could really use a popcorn break right about now. Lana moves her mouth around. Dropkick's eyelashes run off to join the tree people from The Two Towers.

Lex's office. Somebody's thumbing through some files. The first one, I think, says "Sony Trinitron." The second says in huge block letters, "KENT, MARTHA." Dropkick removes the file from a wood cabinet. Now she is the one wearing pink. Lana infection! She starts to look through the file and turns to find Papa Luthor there. Does Lex have no security at all whatsoever? An intercom system, maybe? "You don't really think he's hidden it in here?" Papa Luthor asks. Dropkick says she doesn't know what he's talking about. Papa Luthor says he's talking about the valuable item Lex stole from her office. She says Lex would never steal from her. "Hmmm," Papa Luthor hmmms, and says that if she believes that, why is she rummaging around in Lex's stuff? She asks how she's supposed to know Papa Luthor didn't do it himself. "Oh my," he says, "it seems I've antagonized the lady of the house." Hee. He tells her to give his best wishes to Lex, then turns it around and says that if she did that, they'd have to explain how he caught her snooping. Bastard! "Ooh, that could get really messy," he says, rubbing the hair on his chinny-chin-chin. "Get out," Dropkick says. Papa Luthor turns mock-serious and moves to exit. But he stops to ask one last Columbo question: "Why are you marrying Lex?" She says, "Because I love him." He "hmmms" again and leaves.

Clark in the caves. He calls out for Professor Snideface. Clark finds the new and improved cave symbols. The camera revolves around Clark and reveals Papa Luthor behind him. When does this guy get any corporate work done? He shines a flashlight on his favorite farm boy. Papa Luthor goes straight to the wall and fingers the octagonal hole. He says he once had an octagonal "keepsake" in that exact shape. He says it disappeared from his office. Papa Luthor shines his flashlight right in Clark's face and says it disappeared the same day Clark rescued him and MamaKent. (Way back in better days during "Insurgence.") Clark asks what Papa Luthor is doing down there. Papa says he's taken over "conservatorship" of the caves. "Didn't Lex tell you?" he asks. Nope. Papa Luthor says Lex doesn't want to admit defeat and is still fighting him on it. Papa Luthor says that security people were looking for Dr...Dr... He makes a big show of not remembering the guy's name. Clark says that Professor Snideface was obsessed with the caves. Papa says he can understand why. He marvels at the symbols. Papa Luthor makes another show of pretending to notice that the symbols on the wall have changed into a different order. He shines the light at Clark again and asks if that isn't strange. "It's all Kawatche to me," Clark says. Clark warns Papa Luthor to be careful if he sees Snideface. Clark says he could be dangerous. Clark exits.

Bo among the cows! Feel the love. Bo says he doesn't get it. The cows have been standoffish lately, I guess. But he also doesn't get how the refined Kryptonite and the caves tie together. Clark says they have a bigger problem: Professor Snideface can read the cave language. Bo and MamaKent ask if Clark thinks Snideface knows his secret. Clark tells them that the symbols have changed in the cave. He recites: "The day is coming when the last son will begin his quest to rule the third planet." Clark gets serious. "Don't you see? I'm the last son." Maybe they meant the last episode of Son of the Beach.

Lex's office. Lex is wearing a Reservoir Dogs-style black suit, black tie, and white shirt. He closes his laptop and asks why Papa Luthor is humiliating himself like this. Lex says that Papa Luthor's not invited to the wedding. He gets up to pour himself some brown liquid from a decanter. Papa says he's not there to grovel for a place in the wedding. He's there to tell Lex that a restraining order Lex tried to get to keep Papa Luthor out of the caves has been rejected. Lex asks why Papa Luthor came over to tell him that. Papa Luthor says that Lex's renewed interest in the caves coincides with Snideface's escape. Lex averts his eyes and shows his hand. Papa Luthor says that Clark was down there, too: "Looking for your linguist." That sounds so dirty.

The door swings open and Snideface walks in. "I did it, Lex," Snideface says, triumphantly. Snideface says he finally read the wall and knows what it says. Lex tries to shut him up by saying that they'll talk about it later. Papa Luthor also moves forward with interest. Lex tells Papa Luthor to stay out of it. Papa persists. "The last son will rule the planet," Snideface says, snidely. "Don't you see?" Snideface asks. "It's Clark Kent." Papa Luthor and Lex exchange a look. Lex says that's a pretty big leap. And a pretty big hunk of man. Snideface says he's never seen more clearly in his life, and he knows what has to be done. Jenga! "We have to kill Clark Kent," Snideface says. He's sweating a bit. "Before he destroys us all." Might I suggest a substitution? Have you thought about killing Lana instead? Lex says that Snideface is confused. Snideface holds his palm up at Lex, and Lex gets scared. Suddenly, Snideface falls. The Jr. Doctor has shot him with a tranquilizer dart. Nice aim, dude. Everybody exchanges significant looks.