Visitor

Hey, folks! How was your break? Did you miss those rosy Clark cheeks? Did you still have dreams about Lex's smooth head even though there weren't any new angles to see of it while the show went on hiatus? Or did you cheat on Smallville? It's all right. I like Kiefer too. I dig on President Palmer. Soul Patch still smolders, even without the facial hair. It's fine if you had a little Tuesday-night affair. I won't tell anybody.

On this show, however, there are no ticking clocks or nuclear bombs going off, unless you're talking about inside Clark's pants. We start the new episode (it's called "Visitor," which is what many longtime viewers will be if the rest of the season doesn't match the peak of February's "Rosetta") in typical show fashion. We're at Smallville High in some sort of class where, of course, there's no teacher supervision. (Oh, and by the way, what was up with that "six new episodes" promo before the show? Lana's taking up boxing now? The only boxing I want Lana to partake of is making a home within a huge cardboard one and taping it from the inside.) This looks like a shop class, but it's specialized shop. Two crudely drawn batteries on a chalkboard are supposed to clue us in that we're in an electronics class. My dad totally wanted me to take this in high school. He thought this whole writing thing was fine and all, but he really thought I needed to be an engineer. He was plenty pissed when I took acting and newspaper electives instead. But enough about me. Let's talk about faceless extras tapping on buttons and playing with cathode tubes and blacklight stuff you'd find in the bargain bin at Spencer Gifts. There seem to be as many girls in the class as boys, which seems great to me. In fact, Chloe is there. She walks up to those hapless boys, Clark and Pete, and greets them. She doesn't seem to be doing any kind of electronics work of her own, but that's okay because her flippy hair carries its own alternating current. Chloe is wearing a camouflage top with the sleeves cut off. And her hair is sadly flat this week. Chloe examines some sort of clothes-hanger contraption with oranges stuck to it. She asks what they're doing. Clark fills her in that the citrus has enough acid in it to act as a battery. Wait, isn't that like a third-grade electronics project -- the kind they make you do because they don't trust you with power outlets? You're from another planet, Clark. Even for you, this is pretty lame. Chloe says that's very Survivor of them. Try I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Chloe asks if they're calling it "A Clockwork Orange." Pete says he bets Chloe wishes she were the first one to think of that, but he mumbles it all to hell. Pete is just surrounded by an aura of lameness. I used to think he was cool, but I was younger and stupider then.

As Pete and Clark work on their Florida Orange Growers kickback project, somebody plugs into their cheap extension cord. It's a guy with crazy, broody eyes in a grey hood. He's doing Eminem from 8 Mile. I certainly would rather see him do Eminem than that skeeza' Brittany Murphy. My eyes need a saline wash just looking at her. Clark, taken aback, says the guy can use their outlet. "Thanks," Marshall Mouthers says, and walks away quickly. (It may not be evident yet, but I'm calling him that because he's got amazingly huge lips. And he's pretty mouthy in that he can't keep a damn secret. Hence: Marshall Mouthers.) Chloe says that Marshall is actually named "Cyrus Krup," which makes him some sort of German coffee machine. She says he just transferred in. She was asked to give the guy a tour, but he told her he wouldn't be around long enough to need it. Clark says maybe that's why he's trying so hard to win friends and influence people. WB characters are not allowed to make references to books that predate my parents' birth and that aren't used in class studies. Chloe leaves, but not before putting a hand on Clark's back for no good reason. This whole scene is pretty sloppily put together.

Shot of Marshall Mouthers working on some sort of plastic ball with wires on it. He's very focused on it. It's got flashing lights, and we all know flashing lights are good for an electronics-class project. Marshall takes his ball and walks quickly through the class, grabbing an electric cord from one table and grabbing something from another table while wearing huge headphones. The guys at the table stand up and complain, asking why he doesn't "jack in" somewhere else. Who even says that outside of The Matrix? One of the guys is product-placing a "Property of Smallville Athletic Dept." t-shirt. One of the thugs grabs Marshall's headphones. He listens, and it sounds like a Geiger counter. He teases that the "loser" is listening to a dial tone. Marshall, with his dog eyes, says the guy doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what he's hearing. That sets off the bullies. Marshall says the main bully is "not one of mankind's brightest lights." The headphones hit the floor. Marshall whines at them not to damage his "transmitter." Much shaky-cam as the transmitter is tossed back and forth, over Marshall's head. Clark comes over and tells them to leave Marshall alone. Clark looks about thirty-four in this scene. The main bully advises "Kent" to stay out of it. Marshall is about a foot shorter than Clark. The bully (who looks like Breckin Meyer) threatens to put a hurt on the guy if he doesn't get his transmitter back. Evil Breckin pushes Marshall into a table, and Marshall falls. This Marshall better lose himself quick. The asshole bullies tease Marshall because he's all teary-eyed. Marshall turns around and gives them the evil eye. Suddenly, a wall behind them with tools on it catches fire. They all jump. The flames grow. "Now leave me alone!" Marshall shouts. Clark watches the flames in disbelief. Opening credits.

Oh, yeah! I forgot all about this theme song. Commercials. Celia Cruz rules, even if she's shilling for Dr Pepper.

Mmm pastoral Kent Farm, where the cows have missed us. Clark is standing in the bed of the family's red truck, pitching huge bales of hay over a white picket fence. Lana approaches on a horse and Clark doesn't even stress over her seeing him use his strength like this. Clark greets Lana and says he hasn't seen her in a long time. He says it like it's a bad thing. Lana says she got some time off at the Talon and thought she'd take the horse out for a run. "He hasn't been out much since, uh, Whitney..." she trails off. Hey, Lana. Wanna take this opportunity to list off all the tragedies and abandonments in your life? No? You sure? We're here for you if you need us. Awkward pause. Lana says she heard about what happened at the electronics lab. She says it sounded wild. Clark counters. It was, in fact, "pretty weird." Wow. Wacky. Clark says it's like Marshall is in his own world, taking teenaged alienation to a whole other level. I hate when the show takes on these faux psychobabble tones. Lana says they all have ways of escaping from their lives. She rides, Chloe writes (weird dialogue choice there. The way she talks, those two things sound almost identical), and Clark, according to Lana, does incredibly strenuous farm chores by himself. Clark says he guesses Lana knows his deepest and darkest secret now. I want to scratch off all my skin with a spork. Smiles all around. Clark tries to pat the horse on the nuzzle, but it goes, "Neeeeey!" and moves its head back. Lana says the horse is sick, and that the vet just attributes it to old age. She says Jocko Whitney's mom wants to sell the horse since she can't afford to "stable" him anymore. Clark offers to keep the horse at the Kent homestead. "It is a farm after all," Clark says. Well, damn, I guess it is! How very agrarian. Lana thanks Clark. He smiles moonily.

Lair of the Lex Worm. Wide overhead shot of Lex shooting some pool. His doctor babe girlfriend, Dr. Dropkick, lays a tabloid on the pool table and says it's yesterday's paper. The garish color spread with photos of her has the headline, "Gold-Digging Doc Bags Billionaire Baldie!" Ha! She asks why Lex didn't tell her about it. Lex says he thought he bought up every copy in Smallville. You know, that's kind of sweet, actually. In a deranged kind of way. Lex, very nicely, says he's been dealing with this his whole life and he's sorry the tabloids came after her. "I was trying to protect you," he says. Dr. Dropkick, with her hair all wild and sexy, says she's been treated differently ever since she started dating Lex. Because she was being treated like the town queen back when she was beating people up and taking anger management classes. Lex asks if this is why she hasn't moved in with him. Dropkick stutters that her lease isn't up yet and she hasn't had time to pack. Since when do doctors worry about breaking their lease? Lex whips out his trusty cell phone and says he'll pay for the lease breaking and will have movers at her house in an hour. Way to call her bluff. Long pause. Dropkick gives Lex a sort-of-admiring smile. "What's stopping you now?" he asks. The music in the background is a little distracting, by the way. Dropkick says she has to do this on her own schedule. Lex puts his phone away into his pocket, where so many fans wish they could go. Lex takes a step forward and tells Dropkick, "I completely believe in us. But if you want to back out, I'll understand." Oh, Lex! Take me to Barbados! Ahem. Lex takes his hand off Dropkick's elbow and walks past her toward the door. "Can you make it two hours?" she asks. Score one for the sexy bald man.

Kent Farm. Clark is still doing chores, for some reason, as Chloe pulls up in her sporty red convertible. She has this car because her dad must be doing amazingly well financially all of a sudden. Chloe teasingly tells Clark that she knows his secret. She heard about the horse boarding at Clark's house. "Oh yeah, that," Clark says. Chloe says Clark made Lana's year. Clark says he knows the horse is important to Lana and didn't want to see another part of her past taken away. Maybe that would help her move into the present, don'tcha think? Clark is wearing a solid red shirt with a blue shirt poking from underneath at the collar. Chloe says Lana will be at the farm every day, just like old times. Clark takes on that "Quit Fucking With Me, Chloe" tone and says there's nothing romantic about "mucking out" horse stalls. Yeah, you have to get in there with the muckety muck. It mucking sucks. Clark says he heard that the electronics lab is still closed. Chloe says that the fire marshal is investigating the pyrotechnics. Chloe says Principal Asskick suspended Marshall Mouthers and took away his class project. Clark asks Chloe -- who is still wearing the same shirt from the first scene (is it the same day?) -- what she thinks happened. Chloe says it may have been a trick, or Marshall could be an alien. Chloe reveals that, back in Marshall's old junior high in Grandville, he told people he was an alien. Clark asks if Marshall did anything "super." Clunk! Chloe says not really, except he'd run away a lot and one time was in a field naked pointing to the sky waiting for aliens to take him home. So, pretty normal then. She says that incident put the kid in a mental institution. Clark asks if Chloe really thinks he's an alien. "No..." she says, "but wouldn't it be awesome if he was, though?" Clark says it'd be a good story. Chloe elaborates on how amazing it would be to be from another planet. Sigh. Clark asks if Chloe wouldn't be freaked out. She says that, compared to most people, aliens would be a step up. Clark smiles weirdly at that.

Somebody's walking through some grass, and there's a bunch of very thick cables snaking along. It looks like the back of my living-room receiver. (Except for the grass.) Clark walks up to a very dilapidated-looking shack. Two small dish receivers are up on the roof. A ton of wiring and thick cables lead in through a window. It's a lot of work, but HDTV is worth all the ugly wires. Clark is the person snooping around the structure, and he tries to find a front door or a friendly "Howdy Neighbor!" doormat. When he turns around, he finds a pissed-off-looking Marshall Mouthers instead. Marshall's wearing his big-ass headphones and looks like a character from "Jet Set Radio Future." Marshall asks Clark what he's doing there. Clark says he heard about the suspension and wanted to make sure Marshall's doing all right. Clark is suddenly Principal Asskick's conscience. Marshall says that high school is irrelevant and this gives him more time to focus on his "work." Usually, when people say they're focusing all their time on their "work," it just means they're masturbating a lot more. Clark asks about Marshall's parents. Marshall says they're of the foster variety, and don't bother him if they get their monthly check. Marshall gets impatient and starts unlocking a door to get inside. Clark says he heard on the street (and by "street" I mean "Chloe") about Marshall's alien history. Is it true he once had sex with a Glarnac from Pocnard VI? Clark says he has an open mind. Marshall asks if showing Clark his "other" special powers would "appease" him. More on this later, but there's a lot of baiting and switching going on in this episode. After a pregnant pause, Marshall starts to close the door, but Clark stops him. Marshall doesn't want to be ridiculed. Clark says he just wants the truth. Clark promises not to tell anyone. Marshall must watch a lot of X-Files, because the seeking-the-truth thing works on him.

Inside, it looks like the closet where I keep all my old cables and computer crap. There's blue light, of course. Marshall shows Clark a printout and says he's pointing his transmitter to his home planet. Clark asks how he knows the right coordinates. Well, he talked to a guy at The Gap and they put together outfits together, shirt-by-shirt and pant-by-pant. Oh, the space coordinates? Who the hell knows. Marshall says he used to have weird dreams, and that he'd wake up in even stranger places. It's like Clark, except without all the gay. Marshall says the he was locked away by foster parents and that, boy, humans sure are barbaric, ya know? He says they tried to make him believe he was crazy. Clark asks for some proof. Marshall says his proof was destroyed the day of the meteor shower. "That's when I arrived on Earth," he says. Marshall says an elderly couple found him outside of town and raised him. He bounced around in foster homes, but kept trying to get back to Smallville. "Why?" Clark asks. Marshall says Smallville is ground zero for the signal and he has to wait for his parents there to take him home. So, he's like E.T., but without all the gay. Ethereal music plays as Clark tries to process two numbers at once.

Kent storm cellar. Bo plods down the steps, looking for his wifey. She doesn't respond, but she's down there. She's got her arms crossed and is standing, staring at the uncovered space ship. She says she's thinking about Clark traveling millions of miles through space. Maybe he can go for his summer vacation. Oh, wait, you mean arriving from space. Well, the fares are cheaper now anyway, so it's never too late. MamaKent is thinking about how the ship protected Clark and how it fertilized her ovaries. Worship the ship we must! Bo wraps his arms around her from behind and kisses her on the cheek. He says the ship has given them two miracles. All hail the mighty ship! Wrap it in garlands we will! MamaKent looks hella scared. She says she hopes he's right. She says she's been having terrible headaches, mood swings, and weird sleeping patterns. Bo turns her around and platitudes some comfort up. He says the doctor told them her pregnancy is perfectly normal. Do parents ever think their pregnancy is anything remotely normal? Martha says that it's normal except for the way she was able to conceive. Hey, at least you didn't have to use hot water bottles and a turkey baster, okay? MamaKent says she wants Dr. Dropkick to examine her just to make sure. "No," Bo says. MamaKent says she trusts Lex's girl since she saw some weird medical stuff with their family and didn't alert anyone to it. Bo goes all low in the voice and says she's with Lex, and MamaKent can get medical advice from anyone except her. "Why not?!" MamaKent whines. "Because I don't want our family secrets becoming pillow talk," Bo says. Oh, Bo, keep talking dirty like that. MamaKent doesn't argue back, but she gets that sneaky glint in her eye.

Clark is at the Talon. He's hitting the books like a good brainy superhero. This time it's one called Identity Crisis & Mental Illness. The camera moves around Clark and then spots a sexy bald man over yonder and forsakes Clark for evil goodness. "I never figured you for having an identity crisis, Clark," says Lex Luthor, who is carrying a cup of coffee in a foam to-go cup. Clark says the book is for a friend. Lex says he hasn't heard that one before, and asks about the friend's problem. Lex asks if it's a Napoleon or messiah complex. As Lex sits down and makes himself at home, Clark says his friend thinks he's an alien. Lex says that proves he isn't. Uh, huh? Lex asks, if Clark were an alien, whether he'd go around telling people about it. "Probably not," Clark says. Lex purses his lips, MamaKent-style, and nods. Lex guesses Clark's friend spends a lot of time alone and thinks no one understands him. Lex says he just described himself in high school. Lex is an alien! Mr. Luthor says it's a classic outsider profile, and that the kid is just trying to get attention. Yeah, getting your ass kicked all the time from the attention you get rules! Lex gives Clark the shiny eyes for a few seconds, and asks whether Clark thinks there are aliens among them. Clark says he just wants to help the kid. Clark's just doin' it for the kids. Lex says he can get some people to help. Clark says he promised to keep it private. Clark gets up to leave. Lex congratulates Clark on the whole boarding-the-horse maneuver. That's what the kids are calling it these days, apparently. Lex calls it "a masterful stroke." It is neither the first nor the last time that stroking discussion has passed between these two. Clark downplays his, ahem, "stroking." Lex says he offered Lana a stable too for free, but was turned down by Lana. "Guess she was holding out for the best offer," Lex hisses deliciously. Lex tilts his head a little and smirks. Clark gets all dreamy. The subtext! So! Big! All the air in the room! Depleted! Gayest look! Of the episode!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...Clark arrives in high fashion in the red truck. Bo greets him in a panic. He says they took Jocko's horse out of the stable so Lana could walk him (she wasn't at The Talon?) and the horse collapsed. Bo says she's pretty upset and he's going to call the vet. On this show, rhyming is a good bet! Clark approaches Lana and the fallen horse. On every episode, Lana's voice is that of a horse whisperer. The horse, of course, of course, is right under a handy light. Lana whispers that she's seen the horse sick before, but never this bad. He's sick as a horse. Clark says there's help on the way. Lana doesn't want to lose this horse, "too." Wah wah. Lana says that the horse will be fine. "He's a fighter," Clark says. How in the fuck does he know that? Did the horse overcome horse polio and rescue kids from a fire or something? Is he Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron? "Just like his owner," Clark adds. Now, come on! Lana's a fighter like I'm a Gorgeous Lady of Wrestling. Lana looks to Clark, and I fear that they'll kiss over the body of a dying horse.

Marshall Mouthers gets out of a car and yells over, "How could you betray me?" Yeah, Brittany Murphy, how could you have sex in the studio with that wannabe record promoter! Oh, wait, wrong Marshall. This one's upset that Clark blabbed his secret to Chloe and now she wants to interview Marshall. Clark doesn't know what he's talking about. He's Slim Spacey, the real Slim Spacey, all the other Slim Spaceys are just imitatin', Clark! Marshall's worried that he's gonna be put back in the asylum again. "I never should have trusted you," Marshall says, menacingly. He's gonna quash the beef and fuckin' kill you! Clark has said this isn't the time or place for this, and now just looks annoyed. Lana calls Clark over. The horse is twitching. Marshall asks what's wrong with the horse. Clark says they don't know, and that the vet is en route. Marshall walks over, bends down to Lana, and takes off his skullcap. He lies down with his ear to the horse's chest. It would be hilarious if he just feel asleep here and was using the horse as a pillow. Instead, he whispers to the horse that there's no need for people poking and prodding. Unless it's for fun. "I'll make it better," Marshall says. He puts his hands together and presses them on the horse, Mr. Miyagi-style. Overhead shot of a yellow/orange glow emanating from where the hands are touching the horse. Boss Man, is the white mouse still alive? Am I gonna have to walk the Green Mile by myself? I'm so scared, Boss. Lana is freaked out. Marshall has his eyes closed and those huge headphones still around his neck. Clark stares more intently than usual. Wondrous music plays. Marshall suddenly looks spent. The horse gets up quickly. "Man, that was freaky!" the horse thinks. The horse whinnies and Lana nuzzles him. Clark stares off into (immediate) space. Commercials.

Is Toys 'R Us even still open? I've never though having a giraffe as a mascot was a good idea unless you're selling neckware or ways to grab things from high places.

Kent kitchen. Clark is asking why Bo Duke is so skeptical about this mouthy new alien they've got in town. Bo's bovine cup is in effect! Bo says that the whole healing thing is like something out of an old revival meeting. Yeah, Bo only believes the unbelievable when strength and destruction are involved. The vet gave the horse a clean bill of health. MamaKent notes that Marshall wouldn't be the first person in town with unusual abilities. I'd really rather be watching that new X-Men movie right now. Clark says that Marshall may not be from town. He says it's crazy and all, but he's starting to think the boy might really be an alien. Clark thinks he might be from Krypton, in fact. Bo looks at Clark like he's the dumbest person in creation, which -- in this instance, at least -- isn't really fair. Bo asks why Clark thinks that. "He said he was," Clark tells him. Oh, well, fine then. Clark says he didn't use the name exactly, but Clark reminds them (and viewers who missed the last episode) that he didn't know what it was called either until Christopher Reeve's guest appearance. Clark tells his folks that he saw Marshall start a fire with his eyes. "What about strength or speed?" MamaKent asks. Well, those are kind of low, but he's got an 18 Dexterity! Bo stops Clark as he answers to platitude the boy into submission. Bo says that even Clark doesn't have the ability to heal. Clark theorizes that different alien beings might develop differently. MamaKent reminds Clark about Christopher Reeve's statement that Clark was the last survivor from his planet. Clark wonders if the scientist might be wrong. "Don'tcha see?" Clark begins. I moan in annoyance. Clark says that if this is true, it means he's not alone anymore. Clark is practically an Al Green song. Bo and MamaKent exchange a look like, "What are we, then?" Clark stares. This episode's director really likes Clark's face.

Stately Luthor Manor. Dropkick must be a really good doctor, because all of a sudden I feel a lot better. She's looking around a hallway, past stained-glass windows and forbidding doors. She opens one door and then closes it. She tries the door down, but it's locked. Dropkick pulls a small ring of keys from her pocket and tries one of them on the handle lock. It won't unlock. She turns, and suddenly there's a really tall, broad-shouldered black man in a nice suit saying, "Can I help you ma'am?" She asks about the solarium. He says that's in the South Wing. He moves to escort her. As she follows, she asks about that locked room. Dropkick says that Lex gave her a master key that was supposed to open all the rooms in the mansion. The guard -- who is even wearing a Secret Service earpiece -- says that room is strictly off-limits, and that only Lex has a key. Dropkick is suddenly as curious as Blackbeard's wife.

Smallville High. No banner out in front of the school to speak of this week. That must be out of respect for...well, I can't really think of what. Maybe the banner committee chair was killed or transferred to Grandville. Stuff is in bloom! Inside, Clark is walking down the hall when Evil Breckin comes up behind him, wearing another product-placed Smallville High t-shirt, and asks where Clark's little buddy is. In his pants, I would hope. Oh, you mean the alien friend. Evil Breckin says payback's gonna suck. One would hope.

Clark keeps walking and ends up in the offices of The Torch. "Magic!" Chloe announces, as soon as Clark walks in. Golfin'? Chloe explains that magic is how Marshall started the fire in the electronics lab. There were strips of magnesium powder behind the blackboard. But wasn't the fire in front of the blackboard? Chloe says all Marshall had to do was set off a detonator and "Poof!" Chloe sets off her own fire on a black block on a desk. First off, the fire alarm doesn't go off here? , Principal Asskick is fine with Chloe setting off random fires in a newsroom, where there's tons of paper? Clark only says he didn't see Marshall use a detonator. Chloe holds out a detonator in her right hand says that illusion is the art of misdirection. Chloe says that Marshall is more David Blaine than Wall of Weird. She sprays out the fire with a little water bottle. Clark says that doesn't explain how he cured the horse. Chloe says she's working on that. But she thinks he faked that, too. Clark says he was there and it was real. Chloe won't discount the possibility of mysterious powers, but she says that if Marshall has powers, it's probably from meteor-rock poisoning. Chloe says that Marshall is no more extraterrestrial than Clark. Clunk! Ouch! Clark stares off again. "I'm extra-whatever too!" he thinks.

Hospital. Dropkick is talking to MamaKent in the hall. She says she was surprised to see MamaKent's name. Dropkick says she hasn't had any new patients since the Inquisitor story. But MamaKent isn't really a new patient, is she? MamaKent says that people can be small-minded, and that she hopes things work out for Dropkick. Dropkick says that according the OB chart, the pregnancy has been smooth sailing. MamaKent doesn't think so. MamaKent confirms that everything here is confidential and that Dropkick won't tell Lex anything. MamaKent says that Bo Duke doesn't know she's there. Dropkick assures her of the confidentiality. Dropkick asks whether this visit has to do with Clark's blood or MamaKent's miraculous recovery from a few episodes back. Dropkick says she doesn't know what happened, but if MamaKent wants answers, she'll have to be completely honest. "For your safety. And the baby's," Dropkick adds.

The shack of Marshall Mouthers. Clark just walks in like it's totally fine and calls out for Marshall. Instead, he finds Lex there. Those two seem to always be after the same guys. Lex is sitting down at a computer. He says he's always wanted to meet an alien. Lex says that when he heard about Lana's horse, he figured Marshall must be the friend Clark mentioned. Clark should tell Lex to butt out here, but Lex would just get excited at the word "butt." Clark says he thought Lex didn't believe all this. Lex says that after the cave paintings and stuff, he tries to keep an open mind. Lex hands a spiral notebook over to Clark. It's got drawings of the meteor shower. Lex confesses that he's always thought the meteor shower would have been the perfect cover for the landing of an alien ship. Lex offers Clark a ride. Clark says he'll stay and wait. Lex tells Clark he'd like to buy Marshall a latte some time. Does it seem like Marshall needs any more coffee? Lex leaves. Clark starts flipping through the notebook. Marshall walks in just then, I guess barely missing Lex or having hidden from him. "I don't trust your friend," he says. Clark counters, "I know you faked the fire." Marshall says he doesn't deny it, but that those "intelligence-challenged" bullies have been harassing him since he got to town. Clark asks why he didn't use his powers. Marshall says he only has the power to heal. But earlier, he asked if Clark wanted to know about his "other" powers. Guess he was just frontin'. Clark asks if he healed that horse. "Believe what you want," Marshall says. Clark asks about a drawing in the notebook. It looks a little like Clark's ship, sailing down among meteors. Marshall says he dreams about his parents. Clark says he believes Marshall. Marshall's lip trembles a little. Clark's the first person who doesn't think he's crazy. Or who doesn't think he belongs in Detroit.

Suddenly, we're outside on a cool, cloudy Vancouver...ahem, "Kansas" afternoon. There's some kind of huge Rube Goldberg-looking contraption that towers about the short trees to it. It looks like the world's deadliest water slide. "Wow, you built this?" we hear Clark marvel. Marshall says it's his transmission tower. It's made of tubing and toilet seats, wire and scaffolding. Marshall says the way it works is, see, he stands on it, right? And then his parents come. And then they take him home, ya know? YAY! It's so obvious! Why didn't Clark build one of these? Marshall frets that he's supposed to send a signal tomorrow night, but he's got no transmitter. Well what's this tower-looking thing, then? Marshall says the transmitter was confiscated by Principal Asskick. Asskick desperately wants to return to his home planet, Asskickayoo. Marshall says that there's no time to build another and the "conditions" for his departure occur only every two hundred years. Like getting a good direct flight on Southwest Airlines. Marshall says that if he doesn't get the contraption back, he'll never get home. He asks Clark for help. Because Clark is so great with the electronics. Hope your parents know how to decode transmissions sent in orange.

The break-in! So exciting! Clark and Marshall are busting into the trophy case! Take some baseball trophies while you're there! Marshall's ball of telecom is sitting in there, its lights blinking. Unfortunately, the innards got messed up, and now ALF's relatives are on their way. "Hey, Willie! HA!" the message reads. Clark and Marshall take the fool thing, and thus ends the great school break-in.

Clark and Marshall are so clever and sneaky that they walk right out the front door and onto the street, where anyone can see them. And that someone is a shiny red truck with about a hundred lights on it. Then another truck pulls up. It's bullies! Bullies drive trucks. Evil Breckin threatens Clark and his little buddy. Marshall says that if they're not left alone, the bullies are going to regret it. Breckin knows Marshall faked the earlier fire. Uh oh. Blaine-busted! Another bully says, "We're going to kick your ass!" Mercy! These guys have got chains and letterman jackets. Marshall whines at them to leave him alone. Clark gets a shady glint in his eye, but it's actually just heat-vision. He sends a warning bolt over the bullies' shoulders and sets a blue truck exploding. Hey, this was the scene they were shooting when I was in Vancouver, I think! The car's now truly a part of the show with its spectacular flaming. The bullies run, which of course they always do at the first sign of trouble. The bullies pile into the red truck and take off. Clark congratulates Marshall for "doing it." Marshall knows it was Clark. "That's crazy," Clark says. Marshall's not that dumb. He figures out why Clark believes him. "You're an alien, too," Marshall says. This scene ends like practically every one in the episode: with a close-up of Clark. I think his face if fine, too, but I don't end every paragraph with it. In fact, um, how about that Lex!

Commercials. Chow Yun-Fat, I beg of you. Get a better agent.

Kent Farm, where the cows go, "Booooooooo!" In Clark's Fortress of Barnitude, Clark is studying a color star map. Pete is there, dressed in yellow, not believing that somebody else knows Clark's secret. Pete's stock just dropped about 150 points. Clark asks what he was supposed to do. Because heat-vision is a lot less inconspicuous than running at slightly above normal speed or calling for help on your cell phone. Pete asks if Clark has told his folks yet. Nope. Pete is being all parenty, warning Clark that Marshall's going to go tell his secret. Clark suddenly notices that the coordinates Marshall gave him are in the same solar system as Krypton. And...? Pete says that Marshall could have just used research from people who've studied the meteor showers. Clark says it's too big a coincidence. Clark continues on the "I may not be alone" line of thinking. Pete suggests that Clark go up to Marshall with some meteor rock. "No, it's called Kryptonite," Clark says. "Kryptonite," Pete repeats, "Is that with a 'C' or a 'K'?" Clark says, "K." Klumsiest mythology introduction ever. Lana walks in wearing...wait for it...pink! She says Marshall was at The Talon and got taken away by Child Protective Services. Lana says the foster parents couldn't handle any more. She says they're sending him to Smallville Medical Center for assessment. The closed captioning just says he's being sent back to the psychiatric hospital. Close-up on Clark. And...scene!

Smallville Medical Center. Marshall is wearing hospital blues and is restrained in bed, although the wrist restraint looks awfully loose. He says he doesn't want to be locked up again with the doctors and the poking and the testing and the NICE LADY! Isn't this "Ryan" all over again? Marshall says that if he doesn't phone home by midnight, he's going to be stuck here forever. Like a career in Detroit rap would be such a bad thing. Clark undoes the restraints, which sound suspiciously like they're made of Velcro. He leads Marshall out of bed. Marshall grabs his clothes, neatly folded by the bed and ready for a quick getaway. Marshall asks Clark to go away with him, you know, to his real home. Clark says, "This is my real home." Yeah, and your other one kinda blew up. Clark wishes Marshall good luck. Marshall says that Clark gives him hope for this world. He wishes there were more guys like Clark. You'll have to stand in line behind Lex and the Gay Men's Chorus to register that wish. Marshall says he'll send a postcard. He walks right through the door because the hospital is totally fine with patients undoing their restraints and leaving. Clark stays behind for no good reason.

Lair of the Lexy. Dropkick says that she and Lex have to have a talk. "Is this a closet-space issue?" he asks without even looking up from his paperwork. Okay, that's kind of assy. "Because I could use the walk-in across the hall," he finishes. Dropkick brings up the master key and the room it won't open. "You've been exploring," Lex says, suppressing a giggle. Hey, nice red shirt, Lex. Although it kind of blends with the polished wood and the red light coming in from the window. You look a bit like a sexy bald lobster, and you bring new meaning to "seafood buffet." Dropkick says that the mystery room thing is bothering her. Lex gets up and says there's nothing of consequence in the room. She asks why it's locked. He says that everyone needs a place where he can be alone. He says it's a place for him to hear his own thoughts. We're going to find out what kind of naughty thoughts those are later. He says Dropkick's welcome to make her own space anywhere else in the mansion. Dropkick ain't having it. She says she doesn't want a roommate, she wants someone to share her life with. She tells Lex to figure out what kind of relationship he wants; theirs can't have any locked doors. We get the pool table in the frame with a set of balls waiting to be broken.

Clark's barn. Chloe and Pete are waiting for him as he comes in. Chloe says that Marshall escaped from the hospital. Chloe shows Clark a "Missing" poster. It's of a couple and a blondish child who disappeared the day of the meteor shower. Chloe says their farm was vaporized, but that they were never found. Aren't vaporized remains unfindable? Pete says that a child that age would be too young to remember what happened. Oh, really? Lana seems to remember her parents being smushed just fine. Chloe says that a couple half a mile away took in a child. And nobody made that connection before? Chloe says that Marshall isn't an alien. He's just a really fucked-up orphan. Close-up of young Marshall Mouthers from the poster.

The new Sprint PCS Interstellar-to-Interstellar network. Go to Venus without even getting charged for roaming. Marshall's Tower of Power lights up. It sure is big. No wonder Clark was so interested. Marshall is holding his communications ball. A truck drives up to the structure. Those damn bullies! They ruin everything! Marshall starts to shimmy up the tower. Evil Breckin asks where "Firestarter" is going. He says the thing is gonna come down. The bullies decide to teach a lesson in their very uneducational way. They attach chains -- something they seem to have a lot of -- to the unwieldy structure. Marshall goes and stands in what I guess is the control deck of the fool contraption, way up at the top. He attaches his ball to the top and twists it in, like a lightbulb. It glows nicely. Electricity starts to flow through the tower. Evil Breckin attaches a chain to the front of the red truck. Can you feel the intense suspense?

More commercials. Vince Neil's looking a little Pillsbury Doughboy these days.

Back at the tower. Evil Breckin is looking at the tower like it's his own personal sex toy. "Oh yes," his vacant eyes say. Marshall, meanwhile, is screaming for those mean old bullies to just knock it off. "Do it!" Mean Breckin yells. The truck starts to roll back. The tower buckles because it's made of Cheez Whiz and sporks. I'm amazed it's even bolted to the ground. Marshall yells. Breckin yells. Clark suddenly superspeeds in and holds the tower up by gripping it tightly from underneath the back end. Um. Did I really just type that? The tower starts to lean back into place, reverse-video style. The mighty struggle between super-man, man, tower, truck and, uh, gravity! The chain itself starts to break. It is the weakest link. Breckin falls back on his ass. Marshall is knocked out of his tower. Clark superspeeds over and catches him. Marshall says he has to get back up there for his parents. Clark says that his parents died in the meteor shower. "That's ridiculous, Clark. My parents aren't human," says Marshall. One of the bullies calls over. Breckin's neck is broken! There's nothing worse than broken Breckin neck. Clark tells Marshall that he can save the guy. Marshall sees a bright light from above and says he can't help because he'll be stranded on this world forever. Clark reminds him and us: "You have the power to heal!" I wish I had the power to fast-forward. Clark tells Marshall not to let the bully die. "We both know you're better than that," Clark says. Marshall didn't know that. He's just Marshall Mouthers. He's just a regular guy, he don't know why all the fuss about him. Marshall, still with the headphones, gets on his knees to Clark and breathes deeply. Ha, Breckin totally has curly hair. And his neck sure does look askew. Marshall does his Mr. Miyagi again at the neck. It glows like a brightly glowing neck. Breckin's neck suddenly snaps sickeningly back into place. He gasps. Marshall falls back on his butt and Clark is there to catch him. Evil Unbroken Breckin gets up. "I missed it," Marshall says. He faints with his eyes open. We hear now that the light from above is a helicopter. It's Kansas police. They've sent vehicles to come assist. We pull back to see the crazy-ass tower.

Back at the farm. MamaKent and Bo go outside on the front porch and call out for Clark. They can't find him. They wander over to the barn and see him leaning against one of the barn doors. He's in full-on Mope Mode. Bo puts his hands on Clark's shoulders. Clark exposits that the doctors diagnosed Marshall with having a complete mental breakdown. Oh, by the way, a law just went into effect that you can't reveal information about a patient to someone calling in asking. So I guess those Smallville writers are going to have to think of other ways of quickly wrapping up their loose-leaf notebook paper-thin plot-holed episodes. Clark says that the doctors don't know if Marshall will recover, and transferred him to a "special" hospital in Metropolis. Maybe he can bunk with Professor Snideface. Clark thinks Marshall was nearby when his ship landed and took the memory for his own history. MamaKent tries to make Clark feel better about his dashed hopes. Clark wonders why Marshall would give up a chance to go home to save a bully. "Because he was a lot more like you than we ever thought," Bo says, winding far and back with the curveball platitude. Clark kind of gets that. The shoulder pat from Bo helps.

A door is unlocked. Some gear is turned on, and a bunch of flat-panel screens light up in a room filled with them. Blueprints, profiles, cave symbols. It's all here. "What is this?" Dropkick asks. Lex says that some dead smart guy said, "Obsession was the wellspring of genius and madness." So all those forum posters are either geniuses or mad? I should probably shut up right here. "This is my obsession," Lex says, which is not the kind of thing you say on a first date, but that you spring on someone once all her stuff is moved in. Lex acknowledges the squick factor. He says he knows he might seem a little eccentric. Dropkick looks around. There's a wireframe animation of Lex hitting Clark in that Porsche from the pilot. Dropkick looks around some more as Lex looks nervous. On screen is Clark's Happy Meal placemat family tree. to it are Kent photos. Dropkick notices a huge, brooding picture of Clark. Oh man, this is a huge electronic shrine to Clark! Lex is just like all the fans! "There's a lot here about the Kents," Dropkick says. Uh, one of them, at least. "They're an interesting family," Lex says. He smiles. "Don't you think?" Dropkick sort of Mona Lisa smiles, but doesn't answer. Lex is obsessed with the farmboy. Tell us something we didn't know after the first episode.

The opening piano strains of a song I happen to like by David Gray, "The Other Side," is playing as a transition into the scene. We pan across the Kent farm and over to the barn. Clark is up in the loft, all alone. Or is he? Lana walks up behind him. I'm not even going to talk about what fur-lined thing she's wearing or how many times we've had to end an episode with Clark and Lana staring out that damn window even when the episode has nothing to do with their relationship. ARRRRRRGHHH! Good thing there's no law against sharing medical information about a horse; Lana does just that. Her horse has been permanently Shazamed. He's like a colt again. Clark is glad some good came out of it. Lana says that Marshall seemed really lonely. Clark asks what would have happened if Marshall really was an alien. In the previews, they made it look like some sort of freaky love triangle and painted it like Clark was jealous. Lana's just confused by the question. She says she'd be a little freaked out, even while trying to keep an open mind. Go for Chloe, Clark! She's down with interspecies sex! Lana asks if that makes her a bad person. Clark lies and says it doesn't. He says it just makes her honest. And bad. A shooting star sails across the night sky. "Think it's a spaceship?" Lana asks. Dumb-ass. Clark says it's just a shooting star. David Gray croons, "Meet me on the other side," as Clark stares at Lana and then we pull back out of the barn and pan over to the moon and the stars. See you guys on the other side of this episode.

And that's it. Man. That long wait just wasn't worth it, huh? week: Clark beats somebody up and Lana gets suspicious. Wait, this is a new episode?