Supermen: Two for the Price Of One

S02E17

By Omar G

Clouds! The very fluffy landscapes from which all good marshmallow angels come. We are flying through them on what looks to be a beautiful blue-sky day. I much prefer starting an episode this way than being in some dank cave or in somebody's esophagus like last week. As ethereal music plays, we fly beneath the clouds to the remarkably computer-animated cornfields of [cough cough] Kansas. We fly over some fields, near some trees, and then into...dammit! A dank cave again! More flying, more caves. We see lights strung up and metal platforms from Professor Snideface's cave-drawing-deciphering team. We settle on a view of a big circular hieroglyphics wall of the cave. We shift view and, hey! It's Clark! And he's...floating! And his shirt is sticking up in the back as if some magical invisible wire is holding it up! Clark is staring intently at the wall, with one hand in a fist and sticking forward a bit. He's a little wobbly. Clark eyes the center of that big circular thing, which has an octagonal hole in the middle. I can't think of another show I could be recapping where I'd be writing the world "octagonal" every week. Maybe The Real World Las Vegas, in reference to all the sex partners and their octagonal positionings. Clark floats forward a bit in a swinging motion. He fingers the octagonal hole (new thought after my last rumination: Ewwww!) as foreboding music plays. Clark opens his hand, and he's holding the octagonal piece of his spaceship. He neatly straightens up and lands with his feet on the ground. He takes a tiny step forward. Rubs the piece in his hand. Then he reaches forward and puts the piece in the hole on the wall. Nothing happens. Clark looks confused. He leans forward again and points a finger toward the wall-embedded piece. Clark phone home! As soon as he touches it, what looks like a blinding fireball flies out and everything goes white.

Clark, who was wearing a red flannel shirt, now has on a blue t-shirt, and he's lying with his arms splayed out like they were in the pilot when he was strung up in that cornfield. He's lying in the middle of a highway. The camera cranes back to show Clark looking down at himself. He sits up; a car is approaching behind him, fast. The car is nearly on him before it starts braking, and judging from what the defensive driving class I took recently had to say, there's no way it could have stopped before hitting Clark. But stop it does, right in front of his face. The car is a sporty import, so it must belong to Lex. The man whose head we love to fetishize gets out of the car and stands over Clark. He's wearing a suit. "Clark?" he says. Clark looks around, unsure of what the hell is going on up in hea-ah. Opening credits.

Let me see if this makes any sense: I hated Dreamcatcher, the book. I think it was maybe the worst book Stephen King has ever written. But I think it's going to make a great movie. Hope I'm right about that.

The morning, Clark walks in through the front door, barefoot and with his hair a little mussed. It was the middle of the night when Lex picked him up. And now it's morning. Methinks they spent a little time wearing out the shocks on that European automobile. Clark tries to come in sneakily, but MamaKent and Bo are right there waiting for him. Bo asks where he's been. MamaKent says they've been looking all over for him. "I've been out," Clark says. No, Clark. Coming out is a long, involved process. You can't expect them just to guess. Bo asks what's going on. He says that Clark's been acting weird all week, like his mind is somewhere else. It's The Crack Rock, Bo. The Crack Rock is not kind. It destroys. Clark reluctantly turns. He tells them he woke up in the middle of Route 8. "How did you get there?" MamaKent asks. Well, you have to take the first exit after the pond. Then you pass by where the creamed corn factory used to be. Then you do a little CGI flying over some cornfields, bypass LuthorCorp, and you can't miss it. Clark says Lex gave him a ride home. "Lex," Bo says flatly. I thought he and Lex were Kool & The Gang now after Lex's little farmboy stint. Clark says he told Lex he was sleepwalking, but he's not sure how much "walking" was involved. MamaKent purses her lips. Bo squints a question at Clark. Clark says he's been dreaming all week of flying over Smallville. In the dreams, he always ends up in the cave. "Like it's calling out to me," he says. He thinks it's trying to give him answers, but he's not sure to what. He says that in the dream, he takes the key and puts it in the slot in the cave wall. Does this remind anybody else about a really dirty joke involving a farmer's daughter? Clark says then there's a bright light. "And?" MamaKent asks. That's when he wakes up. "Dreaming about putting that key in a rock wall is one thing," Bo begins, "but making a porno of it and distributing it all over the internet is something else." Fine, I made the last part up. But you were thinking it too, I'm sure. Bo says that Clark doesn't know what would happen if he actually did the key thing. Clark says that the dreams are getting more intense. He wonders where he might wake up the morning. Well, Lex's bed. Duh! Bo says it's too dangerous. Clark gets pissy. He asks why Bo is so afraid of him finding the truth about himself. Bo has no answer to that, so Clark goes to get dressed for school. Bo looks at MamaKent sadly.

Professor Snideface walks into Lex's woodsy office. Ooh, he's just so snide! Look at his face! SNIDE! Lex has called Snideface in to have a Come to Lexus talk. He says he heard a rumor from the preservation society that Snideface was planning on removing a section of wall from the cave. Lex says he knows Snideface wouldn't do such a radical move without consulting him. Snideface is no Tony Hawk. Snideface says it's a common archaeological practice. Lex says maybe it is, among nineteenth-century imperialists. Ooh, the song "China Girl" just popped into my head. Snideface says that Lex is paranoid. Lex gets up and confronts the snide right in the face. He asks for one good reason why he shouldn't fire the professor. Snideface lies that he's on the verge of a breakthrough. Lex asks if that means those symbols will be translated. Snideface says that's hard to say, since he won't be able to get a sample back to his lab. He needs a sample of a symbol? How about a Polaroid? Lex says he may lose custodianship of the caves. Another foundation wants to take over. "If my instincts are correct, I believe my father is behind it," Lex says. When is his father not responsible for Lex's troubles? Lex wants answers. Snideface has three days.

Smallville High hallway. The usual gang (Clark, Chloe, Pete, and Lana) have just gotten out of class; Chloe is complaining about a family tree assignment. She says that family trees are "so twentieth-century." She's wearing scary tights that make her look a bit clownish. Pete's excited. He sees it as a mystery where you never know what you'll uncover. A criminal uncle! A former U.S. president! Carrot Top! Pete seems to think this assignment will be easy. Chloe says it's easy for Pete because his family has been in Smallville since the Jurassic Era. Er, see... Um... How to say this delicately...? Chloe needs to take a fucking world history class because that remark was just ig'nant. As they walk into the Torch office, Pete asks what Chloe's so worked up about. She says there are lots of variables, like what if your mom abandoned you? I think that still sits her in the tree. Chloe asks if you cut her off from your tree. Lana asks what if your biological father comes back into your life; which side do you claim? They act like nobody's ever considered step-parents and adoptions and biological parents when building family trees. Go online, beeyatches! Holding a red binder, Pete says he gets the point, but asks if it's his fault that he's part of a nuclear family. "Nuclear" is a good word to describe someone in this town. Chloe says her nuclear family was nuked years ago. Lana suggests that they go to The Talon to get a gameplan for their project. Clark hates that idea because he suddenly develops a piercing headache, complete with high-pitched noise. He touches his temples and bends over. Chloe agrees that Clark don't like The Talon. The piercing suddenly stops. "Did you guys hear that?" Clark asks. They didn't hear it. It happens again and Clark buckles. Clark is in some serious pain. He's got a headache THIS big. And he hasn't got time for the pain. Chloe says Clark must be part canine, since they don't hear it. It's not the first time Clark's been called a dog on this show. And again! Excedrin, Clark! Seriously! Clark excuses himself as what sound like higher-pitched bees than the ones from "Drone" continue to attack his brain. Chloe and Lana give the door a weirdo stare when he's gone.

The Barnness of Migraineitude. Clark is still buzzing, and not in the good way. This episode should have been sponsored by Advil. The whining is becoming more electronic-sounding. Clark desperately looks around the barn as if it might be caused by a hoe or something. He keeps looking and eventually does track down the source of all this pain in a toolbox in a low cabinet. He opens the toolbox, and it glows from within. I think this toolbox belongs to Marsellus Wallace. Clark moves a bunch of fishing lure crap, and beneath it is the octagon ship piece, glowing orange around the edges and on its symbols. Clark picks up the piece and it stops glowing. It also stops whining. Clark grips the piece tightly in his hand. Destiny!

Da cave! Clark is facing the circular collection of symbols and holding the ship piece. Unlike the dream, though, Clark isn't floating. Slowly, Clark moves forward with the piece in both hands. Carefully, and with much trepidation, he examines the symbols on the piece. He looks at the cave wall. The piece flies right the fuck out of Clark's hands and slams right into its place in the wall. Clark looks around, as if expecting Lex to come say, "Oh, am I interrupting?" Back on the wall, the octagon piece's symbols have lit up in red, yellow, and blue. The symbols on the cave wall around it begin to emit light. The symbols begin to rotate as the light illuminates Clark's face. Everything on the wall goes white and glowy, and the beams front-light Clark. As Clark stares at it, the octagon piece opens up in the shape of the classic Superman crest. Clark smiles and stares at it in wonder. As he reaches toward the symbol, a flash of light explodes out, and what looks like a beam of electricity or some sort of electric eel-looking broadband internet connection pierces through Clark's chest. He extends his arms out in a Shawshank Redemption pose as we watch him from overhead. We zoom in on Clark's "O" mouth. He's electrifying! The conduit continues to run thorough Clark as he glows. We pull back and see he's been lifted off the ground. The energy continues to course through him. Clark's face tenses as if he's having a seizure. Everything goes completely white.

The thing we see is Clark lying down. This time, instead of a road, he's lying on the floor of the cave. He's shaken awake. Well, looky looky here. It's Lex. Lex asks if Clark is all right. Clark asks what happened. Lex was wondering the same thing. He asks Clark what he was doing down in the cave. What was Lex doing down in the cave? Clark looks up at the circle of symbols on the wall. The octagon piece is missing. Lex follows Clark's gaze. Clark says he was finishing up some work for Professor Snideface while it was quiet. Clark says the thing he knew, he was being woken up. Lex says that a guard told him there was an explosion. He asks if Clark was messing with any equipment. We hear a voice off-camera say it's interesting that Clark got past the guard in the first place. Well, if it isn't Snideface! My snide-iest enemy! "What's your secret, Mr. Kent?" he asks. Lex tells him to back off. Clark says he has to go get some air. Lex stops him. He says that first he found Clark lying in the middle of the road, and now there in the cave. Lex is used to seeing Clark go to sleep, not having to wake him up. Clark says he's fine, and that he has to get home before his parents start to worry. One day, Lex, we won't have to worry about parents and curfews! Lex nods reluctantly. He says he doesn't want Clark down in the cave alone until they figure out what's up. After Clark leaves, Snideface says that Clark knows more than he's telling. "Probably," Lex says, "but you've got enough on your plate, Doctor." That's right. Lex doesn't want to share his dessert.

Torch office. Lana comes in as Chloe's at her computer. Lana says her hard drive just crashed for the fiftieth time (sure it's your hard drive?), and asks to use Chloe's computer for her genealogy assignment. Chloe asks if she's a Small or a Lang. Lana says she's committed to her mom's side of the family. Chloe gives Lana control of the bridge. Lana thanks Chloe and gets to work. She pulls up her email box, downloads her assignment (she has emails from Clark [subject line: "Hey"], Chloe, somebody named Megan Ponn, Pete ["Hi Lana!"], and Henry Small), and then goes to a Downloads folder. In that same folder, along with "Art Project," "Basics," "Clark's Project," and other stuff (including one I can't figure out called "Bloodwork files") is a file called "C.K." It's a new fragrance for a man or a woman. Lana hesitates with her mouse over the file; then, with a mischievous look in her eye, she double-clicks. It's four photos of Clark and Chloe from the spring formal. Chloe looks happy. She doesn't sound happy, though. We hear her from the doorway ask Lana if her personal life is more interesting than that assignment. Lana blubbers and Chloe accuses her of snooping around. Chloe's totally right here, but then she's doing the town snooping 90% of the time. Lana has no answer. She stands up, frowns, and apologizes in her best stage whisper. Chloe tells her not to look at her "like that." Lana asks for clarification. "Like I'm some lovesick loser who's trying to hang on to something she never had," Chloe adds. Lana suggests that Chloe tell Clark how she feels. Chloe says it's not about that; it's about how Lana violated Chloe's privacy. She tells Lana that the office and everything in it is off-limits now. Lana walks past Chloe to get out. Chloe tells Lana that she did tell Clark how she felt while he was sick. (Oh blessed thee, continuity. To you I pray.) Chloe says that she poured her heart out and that Clark, in his delirium, only called out Lana's name. Lana looks like she's aged a bit this week. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Chloe closes the door, and we see that weird cartoon crow mascot wearing the "S" shield.

Kent Farm. Clark is piling bales of hay on the back of the red truck. Bo comes out of the barn and notes that Clark is up early. "Don't worry, Dad, I woke up in my own bed this morning." So many jokes! The humor pipe is logjammed! The top five that got through:

"But my ass feels just like it always does."
"By the way, my bedsheets smell like a rich bald man."
It's the first time he's woken up there in six months.
Clark's not much into mundane bed sex.
"Hey, dad. Can I have my bed shipped over to Luthor Mansion?"

Bo asks how Clark is doing. Clark says he thinks his sleepwalking/flying thing has passed. Bo asks if Clark wants a ride to school. Clark says that Chloe's picking him up. Doesn't he just superzip to school? Clark asks how MamaKent is feeling. "Pregnant," Bo says. It's good that they're not defining her entire person by her ability to give birth. Bo says he still can't believe it. Clark wonders how soon they can tell people about the pregnancy. Bo says that as soon as she's ready; it's one secret they'll be happy to share. Clark says that the baby's lucky. Bo says he didn't mean it to sound that way. What way? Clark can be pretty immature, even for a twenty-seven-year-old, sometimes. Bo says that this new baby doesn't change the way they feel about Clark. I mean, that baby's not going to do all the chores for them, is it? MamaKent comes out and says that they're late and have to go. Go where? As Clark goes to pick up another bale of hay, he gets another head seizure. The buzzing is back. Clark's eyes go all fiery and ejaculate beams start shooting from them. Cyclops, no! He shoots beams of fire at the side of the barn. Clark's head moves every which way as he tries to control the fire. MamaKent and Bo look on in horror. The barn! The barn! The barn is on fire! Clark grabs a water hose and Bo does the two-handed faucet turn. Clark sprays the fire. Bo takes off his jacket and fans the huge flames. Smart, Bo. Very smart. Bo asks what happened. Clark doesn't know. Just then, Chloe pulls up in her cute convertible and goes to MamaKent. She asks what happened. MamaKent lies that the fire was going when they came outside. She suddenly stares at the barn. The fire noises die down. Bo and Clark stand back, staring at the barn in awe. Chloe snaps a photo with her camera. We pan over all four characters and then see what they see: The fire has burned a large black symbol on the barn, similar to the ones from the cave. Much like the ejaculator who burned it into being, the symbol is still flaming.

Commercials. Crispin Glover's back! Hide your girlfriends! Hey, what's this "bonus content" crap on the show's soundtrack?

The barn incident aftermath. Bo has hammered some plywood over Clark's ruination. Bo says that'll keep the "looky-loos" away. Thanks, Aunt Fanny. Clark has a rare metaphoric moment when he says that a couple of boards aren't going to cover up anything anymore. So he should go with aluminum sheets, then? "Especially after Chloe publishes her pictures," Clark says bitterly. MamaKent says she thinks she convinced Chloe that it was a prank. She tells Clark not to beat himself up over his developing abilities. Clark says there's nothing "uncontrolled" about the symbol he burned. He says it's a symbol from wherever he's from. Bo sips from his bovine coffee cup. If you're playing along at home, now's a good time to swig to the drinking game. Clark says that the symbol means "Hope." Bob Hope? Clark's planet is one full of hundred-year-old comedians? MamaKent asks when he learned to read the symbols. "Since I put the key in the cave wall," he says sheepishly. Uh oh. Bo's pissed. "Since you did what?" he asks. Clark says that the key was calling out to him and he didn't have a choice. Also, he lost the key. Sorry, folks! Clark says that everything is jumbled and he thinks he downloaded the language from the cave wall. He saved it as an attachment in his brain and scanned it for viruses before unzipping his pants. Bo's still mad. "Did anybody see you?" he asks. Clark says that Lex and Dr. Snideface found him, but he doesn't think they have the key. Clark believes it disintegrated. Bo asks if he's 100% sure. Clark doesn't answer. Bo lectures Clark about putting his own life in danger. Clark argues that some things are worth the risk. Like Jamba Juice and tiramisu! Oh, and "the truth." MamaKent doesn't look too happy about the truth.

An American flag outside The Talon. Inside, Clark is sitting at a table working on something. Coldplay's "The Scientist" is playing, and I'm reminded again of how much I love their last album. Lana comes around and says Clark's name. He doesn't respond and keeps moving his pencil around on paper. "Earth to Clark," Lana says musically. Clark finally comes out of his spell. Lana says she heard about the fire. Clark says it's no big deal, but Chloe's writing an exclusive about it. I've come to admire the Machiavellian (or perhaps it's Craig Kilbornian) way Lana has of turning any conversation into one about herself. Watch: "I wouldn't know," she says. "Her [sic] and I aren't exactly talking right now." Genius! She should have her own talk show. Lana brings up the invasion of privacy. Clark guesses Chloe was snooping around in Lana's stuff, but gets it wrong in reverse. Lana says it "kinda just happened." Clark says that for all the times Chloe's overstepped her boundaries, you'd think she could cut Lana some slack. Bullshit! He doesn't even know what happened! Lana smiles. She says that as great as Chloe and her dad have been, she's still not family. Poor fucking you. Seriously. Clark says he knows what she means. He asks Lana if he can tell her a secret. She says that'd be a first. Clark says he's been looking into his roots and it's freaking the folks out. He says he's close to finding out where he's from. "Then you shouldn't stop," Lana says. Enabler! Lana smiles. She looks at Clark's family tree thing, which looks like a McDonald's kiddie tray liner. Clark crumples the paper up before she can see it and bolts for the exit. He bumps right into Lex and tells him he can't talk, even though Lex has been looking all over for him. "Looks like we've been abandoned," says Lex to Lana. "The story of my life," Lana says. Shut up! SHUT UP! I've taken this shit for thirty-eight episodes, just SHUT! THE FUCK! UP! Oh my god, SHUT UP! (Deep breaths. Deep breaths.) I'm sorry. I don't know what happened there, I just...LANA SHUT UP! Lex doesn't respond. In fact, he looks as annoyed as I am. But he does notice the crumpled up piece of paper on the floor. Ooh, you bad, Lex.

Lex's lair. He's examining Clark's little McDonald's paper. Snideface walks in and says that he may deal in ancient language, but cryptic phone messages don't amuse him. All right, that was pretty funny. Lex passes the sheet over to him and says he might find it enlightening. Lex is pretty lackadaisical about this. He says he thinks somebody has some knowledge of the cave language. Snideface says it's similar, but there's no way to know if it's accurate. Study it, why don't you? Could it be a Hamburglar maze game? He says that the symbols could be "Father" or "Mother," or they could be chicken scratch. Clark was from a chicken planet? That actually explains quite a lot. Lex says he got it from Clark. "What is it with you and this kid, Lex?" Snideface says. If you only knew, Snideface. I think there are some bootleg videos on some adult internet sites. Snideface says that these scribblings don't change the fact that stuff like this takes years to translate. Lex passes on a copy of The Torch with the barn symbol on the front page. The headline reads, "Burning Question: Aliens or arsonists." Where's the question mark? Lex says that's more than chicken scratch. Lex says that the symbol on the barn was on the octagonal disc. "Maybe the whole thing's a hoax," Snideface says. Lex doesn't think so. "Something happened to Clark in that cave," he says. Yep. It's called The Lex Train. Choo choo! Lex encourages Snideface to work with Clark: "He may be a fraud. Or he might be the Rosetta Stone we've been looking for." Clark! Man of stone!

Torch. Chloe! The Chloester! Four-leaf Chloe-ver! Makin' copies! Clark walks in pissily and thanks Chloe for turning his farm into Area 51. He said they needed deputies to keep the wackos away. Chloe apologizes and says it's really intriguing. Clark says it's probably a K.U. frat prank. But there was no beer involved! Chloe says that aliens may be thinking crop circles are passé and have moved on to barn scorchings. Chloe asks Clark to consider the possibility. Clark says he'll let it go if Chloe forgives Lana for what she did. Say what? That is weak and lame and stupid and just shit! Clark! Ass! Jerk! Chloe rolls her eyes. Chloe asks if Clark knows what she did. He doesn't, but Lana's so so sowwy. Lame! Chloe interrupts Clark and snippily says that this is one time Clark doesn't have to come to Lana's rescue. Word! Chloe is suddenly distracted by a bunch of emails. Her account was spammed with messages for Clark, from someone called "Swann." Chloe opens an email. There's an image of the barn symbol. It says, "Clark (symbol) H-O-P-E". Chloe keeps a shifty eye on Clark to see how he reacts. "I have something for you" the email spells out, slowly. Swann knows Flash?

The Barnness of Internetitude. Pete walks in carrying a laptop. Clark asks if his parents saw Pete come in. They didn't. Pete opens up the laptop and Clark hooks it up for dialing to the Net. Pete asks why they didn't do this at the newspaper office. Clark says he couldn't have Chloe looking over his shoulder. Clark gets on the computer and sends a simple message to Swann asking what he has for Clark. He hesitates on the Send button. Clark wonders if his parents are right. Then he figures, "I need to know." Send. As soon as Clark sends it, Swann knock-knocks with an instant message. Clark opens the message. It's three symbols. "If you can read this, I have the answers you're looking for," it reads. Clark translates for Pete: "I'm a friend."

Cave. Snideface shines a huge flashlight at the circular drawings in the cave. He finds the octagon piece smashed sideways into the cave wall. Snideface uses a pick to dig it out. He gets it out and just sneers! Sneers! He walks to the big round drawing and places the piece in the wall. Just then, Clark walks in. The piece goes multicolored, and the symbol thing opens up again. Snideface smiles. Yes! All this will be mine! I'll be rich! And wealthy! And SNIDE! Instead, a lightning-looking symbol appears and throws out a burst of refreshing light. Snideface is blown back and hits the cave wall. Clark watches. He comes over to try to help Snideface. He notices the octagon piece on the ground. Clark's preccccciiiiouuuusss!

Commercials. I miss Orlando Jones as the 7-Up guy.

Snideface is in the hospital. His eyes are all clouded over. They blinded him with science! This is the nicest I've seen him look. He's got monitors attached to his head, too. Outside the hospital room, Clark is watching. Lex approaches and asks how Snideface is doing. He adds that the doctors have never seen anything like it; he's completely catatonic. Except when the doctors saw a case of catatonia. Clark asks if Snideface will be all right. Have you not been listening? Lex says it's impossible to determine without knowing the cause. Lex is prying. Lex says there've been three mysterious events in three days, and Clark was there for each of them. Lex says that's a mystery unto itself. "Not really," Clark says, and walks away. Lex asks about the language, and whether Clark's sure he can't read it. Lex mentions the barn and Clark's Happy Meal drawings. Clark says he was just doodling. Lex says it looks pretty specific. "Lex," Clark says like an old lover, "why do you care so much about an old Native American language?" See, Lex doesn't think it's that at all. "I don't even think it's from this planet," Lex says. "You think aliens wrote it?" Clark asks. Lex kind of looks away. Clark smiles skeptically and says, "I'd keep that to yourself, Lex." Asshole! That's such a dick thing to do! Lex is right! All hail Lex! Evil! Lex is hurt, but he still stares at Clark with a mixture of pride, hurt, admiration...um, sex, and sex, and desire and hotness and wet naps and bubble wrap and the universe and that Dave Matthews song about lifting up your skirt and showing the world to him and Clark's eyelashes and, oh my. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode.

"I'm, uh, looking for a Clark Kent," somebody says, interrupting the reverie. It's a delivery guy. He asks Clark to sign for a package. Clark asks how he knew where to find him. The guy says he was told to deliver the package personally. "Lucky for me. Small town," the snarky Seth Green-type guy says. Boy, he sure made the most of his Central Casting extra time. Clark and Lex act like that guy never happened. Lex asks if Clark's going to open it. Wait, Lex's zipper? Clark says it's probably junk mail and that he'll open later. Dumb! Stupid! Lame! Junk mail that requires a signature? Lex is as baffled as we are. Clark walks off and sneaks into a hospital elevator. There, he opens the letter envelope. It's a card with another symbol on it. "V.S." appears in blue letters on the top. Lower right hand: "Virgil Swann." There's a New York address on the card.

Torch offices. Chloe is holding an old Time magazine "Man of the Year" issue. Christopher Reeve! It's a photo from when he was hella young, and the caption is, "Dr. Virgil Swann." Chloe says that Clark is being stalked by a legend. She says he was a high-tech Howard Hughes thirty years before. He graduated M.I.T. at age nineteen, applied physics, blah blah blah geniuscakes. Chloe says he founded a company that, in the 1970s, was the largest producer of satellites. Chloe says he has so much hardware in space, Scientific American dubbed him "The Man of Tomorrow." Yesterday. So, I guess that means today. Clark reads a quote about how through communication we'll live in peace. Yeah, the internet sure solved that Arab/Israeli problem. Chloe says he disappeared, pulled a J.D. Salinger, and gave his money to charitable foundations. Then he devoted himself to finding aliens in space. Clark asks about the address on the card. Chloe says it's the address of the New York Planetarium. "What better place to look for little green men?" Chloe asks. "Why is this guy so interested in you, Clark?" Chloe asks. I think a little website called "hotfarmboyass.com" should explain that. "He's not interested in me," Clark says. Wear it proud and loud, boy! Let them get used to it! "He's interested in my...barn." Every night I pray for dialogue like this. Chloe says the guy hasn't made a phone call in thirteen years, and now he wants to be Clark's best friend? Take a number. Clark is aw shucks about it. Chloe says the guy must think that symbol must be pretty important. Clark says it's just a hoax. Chloe says one of the most brilliant men in the world (not Clark) believes differently, and Clark should find out why.

Hospital. Lex, standing over Snideface's bed (Snideface has no family of his own?) asks a doctor who isn't his girlfriend about the professor's condition. The doctor says no, and that whatever it was overstimulated the guy's cerebral cortex. An orgasm? It caused a massive seizure. Snideface is now Slackface, and he stares up, blindly. Lex asks if it was information overload. "In layman's terms, yes," the doctor says. Ugh. I hate when people say that. The doctor says it's doubtful Snideface will ever wake up again. But I wasn't through abusing him! The doctor leaves Lex to stare into those blind eyes. Lex says, "Don't worry, doctor. One day you'll share your secrets with me." Creepy!

Lana's room at Chloe's house. Ugh! It's so pink and purple! My eyes! Chloe sees Lana packing up her stuff. Where's she going? To the imaginary little girl Holiday Inn? Chloe says that if she's running away, she should pack lighter. Lana says this isn't her home, as great as Chloe and her dad have been. Lana says this wasn't such a great idea. Yeah, time keep your hands off people's files, girlie! Somehow, the planet warped and screwed things enough so that Chloe says the following, "If this is about the computer thing, I'm sorry." For what, Chloe? For catching Lana sneaking in your shit? For being humiliated by her every week by this personality-challenged twit? What on Earth or Krypton could you possibly have to apologize for? Could somebody loan Chloe some semblance of a spine? Fine, maybe I shouldn't have said that during the Christopher Reeve episode, but DAMN! Chloe says she overreacted. Huh?! Chloe says that when it comes to her feelings and Clark, she's never very rational. Lana says she can't help the way Clark feels about her. My gut...it is wanting to throw up. Chloe actually commiserates with that. Sick! Sick! Lana acts like it's this huge burden. Chloe says that before Lana goes, she wants to show her something. It's her family tree. Under "Sister," it says "Lana Lang." Lana is touched. Chloe says she decided her family wasn't about people who don't love her. It's about people who do love her, no matter what: her friends. But Lana doesn't love you! Yegads, woman! Oh. Man. scene, please.

Kent Farm dinner table. Things aren't going well. Bo Duke thinks the Dr. Swann thing is suspicious. He's not even sure Clark can really read the language. Bo says they have no idea what the cave did to Clark. If it was when Lex was around, I think the cave made Clark a man. Clark asks MamaKent for some backup. She agrees with Bo and says they don't know anything about Dr. Swann except that he's supposed to be some sort of special stuntcasting guest star. Bo says it could be a set-up. Clark says he's being paranoid. Clark says that maybe the guy is just trying to help. Bo doesn't buy that bull-crap. Bo says all he's ever seen are people who want to exploit Clark for their own gain. Clark says that Bo can't protect him forever. "I'm not ready to give that up yet!" Bo yells. Bo's really good in this episode! MamaKent tries to reassure Clark that they're not trying to keep him from learning his past. But they don't want him to get hurt. Clark says he's got questions and he can't leave them in the storm cellar. "Why did my parents have to send me away?" Clark asks. "What was so bad that they had to send me away?" Bo just doesn't know. MamaKent's about to cry. Clark says he has to do this. Bo suggests they go together, as a family. Clark looks down. He says he has to go alone. Why? Clark says it's the only way. Again, why? Bo is red-nosed. MamaKent stands and holds Clark's hand. Clark says that whatever he finds out won't change the way he feels about them. He says they'll still be his mom and dad. But it would be nice if they could develop some superpowers of their own. I mean, damn, this farm chore shit's getting old. Clark hugs MamaKent. Bo gets a lump in his throat and joins in. Emotional music.

New York! We get a quick bird's-eye view of the skyline, and then we're suddenly in some dim lab It looks like something out of a Tim Burton movie. Clark walks in. There's all kinds of glass spheres and funky globes. Clark calls for Dr. Swann. As Clark's about to walk out, we hear a voice: "Looking for answers, I assume." Clark walks over and...at a desk is Christopher Reeve! He's wearing a dark sweater and glasses. Y'all, you just don't know. When I was, like, four and saw the Superman movie, I used to run around the living room in Underoos and a towel held around my neck with a clothespin. Christopher Reeve! "Hello, Clark. I've been expecting you," Swann says. Swann explains that he works out of the back of the planetarium because it's peaceful. If he's a billionaire, couldn't he build a planetarium at home? "Besides. I own the building," he adds. Oh. My bad. "Activate screen," he says. A bunch of alien symbols scroll across in both directions of a flat widescreen display. Mmmm, flat widescreen. It gets to where my salivary glands are activated by that sequence of words. Swann asks if any of that looks familiar. "What is it?" Clark asks. Swann says it's a message from the stars. Swann says he's always looked up there wondering if anyone was out there. Thirteen years ago, he says, he got an answer. "The day of the meteor shower," Clark says. Swann says that one of his receivers picked up a faint signal. It took years to decrypt it, he says. He discovered a mathematical key built into the transmission. Close-up of Clark. Man, they really laid on the pancake makeup this week. "Can you read it?" Clark asks. Swann says, "This is Kal-El of Krypton. Our infant son, our last hope...Please protect him and deliver him from evil." Clark leans in to the screen and stares at the words. "Kal-El...Krypton," Clark says. If there's an El, maybe he's Hispanic right? ¡Horale! Swann says he wondered what happened to that child and whether he survived the journey. Three days ago, he saw the symbol from the barn. He found out the barn's owners had an adopted son. And unlike everyone else, Swann wasn't going to sit back and wait for more clues. (Paging Mr. Lex.) "You think I'm Kal-El?" Clark asks, "I'm just Clark Kent." Swann says he's not trying to expose Clark. He's just seeking the truth. Man, C.R. is the MAN! Clark says he's sorry, but he's not who Swann thinks he is. Swann says that if Clark can live with that, so can he, but if Clark walks out that door, it will never be open to him again. That's how you get to be a billionaire! Clark hesitates, and then turns back. Swann teases Clark with "the second part of the message." Just then, we hear the familiar strains of music from the first Superman movie. Yay! It hits a crescendo and we go to commercial.

Mmm, stripper Gabrielle Union. I can't see how a movie with that can be all bad.

Back at Swann's Planetarium, Clark asks why Swann is doing this to him. "We all have our windmills, Clark," Swann says. "I need to know I'm right." He says that once he knows, it'll never leave the room. That's a pretty big room, though, if there's a dome involved. Clark studies Swann seriously. "Show me," he says, finally. Swann says, "Second screen," and new letters appear. "We will be with you, Kal-El," Clark reads, "for all the days of your life." Clark asks what that means. Swann says he's not sure, adding, "The one thing I've learned about science is the value of patience." Ooh. Nice subtext there. Clark sees a set of marks on a star map. He asks whether that's where Krypton is. "No, that's where Krypton was," Swann tells him. He says he follows the signal back to its origin, and the planet's no longer there. Clark says that planets don't just disappear. He asks what might have happened. "War, famine, disease," Swann speculates. Famine blew up a planet? "I mean, look at the world around us," he says. Clark says that he can't be the only one, and that there must be others like him. Wouldn't it be great if Swann gave him the address for Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters? Swann says there was only one message. Clark looks crestfallen. "Why me?" Clark asks. He says there must be a reason he was sent to Earth. Swann says he won't find the answers by looking to the stars. "It's a journey you'll have to take by looking inside yourself. You must write your destiny. Kal-El." Last long shot of Christopher Reeve. He rocks!

Flyover of Kent Farm. Clark is in the storm cellar. Bo walks in behind him. Moody music. Clark isn't happy. Bo says that whatever Clark was told must be overwhelming, but if Clark needs to talk about it, he and MamaKent are there. Bo's about to leave, but Clark stops him. He says he's always wondered if there were others like him. Now, he says, he knows there are none. "I'm totally alone," he mopes. Bo comes over and tells him, "You're never alone, son. This is your home and we love you very much." Much emphasis on "very much." Bo tries to get Clark to come with him. "In a minute," Clark says. Bo's about to leave again. Clark pulls out a rectangular plastic-looking piece of something. He says he figured out what it is. "It's the ship's heart," he says. Bo's agog. They look at it. "Have you used it yet?" Bo asks. Clark says he didn't want to do it alone. "Let's do it together," Bo says. Shouldn't they go get MamaKent too?

Clark puts the octagon piece in its hole and it melds into the ship. The ship lights up like my back porch. It begins to rise. The ship opens up its cockpit. Bo and Clark step forward, toward the blue light. There's a tiny space in there. "It's hard to believe you were ever that small," Bo marvels. Clark doesn't smile. Bo hands the rectangle thing to Clark. Clark slides it into a slot. Oh, it's an interplanetary Zip drive! When Clark inserts the disk, a bunch of symbols light up around the compartment. They spin in circles going clockwise and counterclockwise. Bo asks what it is. He says it's a message from his biological father. "I'm sure I'm reading it wrong," Clark says. As yellow light bathes them, Clark reads, "On this third planet from this star Sol, you will be be a god among men. They're a flawed race. Rule them with strength, my son. That is where your greatness lies." Holy crap! Clark walks away. "I think I was sent here to conquer," Clark says. Nice twist! "What kind of planet am I from?" Clark moans. It's all male action all the time. It's the gayest planet in the universe! Gayer than Uranus! (I hereby denounce that last joke. I said it in a moment of weakness.) Bo comes to the rescue. He forcefully says that even if Clark didn't misread it, "it's [Clark] who decides what kind of life [he's] going to lead." So Bo's not into predestination, then. Bo says that nobody can control that but Clark. Clark asks what if it's part of who he is? "Is that the kind of person I will become?" Clark asks seriously, and I don't dare laugh at his line reading. Bo says he's there to be a force for good, not evil. Clark asks how he can be so sure. "Because I am your father," Bo says, putting his hands on Clark's shoulders. "I raised you. And I know you better than anyone." Bo is seriously kicking this scene's ass. Clark finally looks a little reassured. Bo puts a hand on Clark's face and nods confidently. He hugs his son tight. The ship hovers as Clark watches it. We swing around Clark to see Bo smiling with his eyes closed. Then, subtly, he opens his eyes and looks very worried. Cut to Clark looking scared. We go to credits as the music grows again in intensity. Brilliant!

PSA from Tom Welling and Christopher. They're sitting side by side facing the camera.

Tom: Please help us conquer paralysis.
Christopher: Call the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation at 1-800-222-0292.
Tom: Or visit the CRPF Web site at christopherreeve.org.

Christopher: Thank you.
Tom: Thank you.
Chrisopher: No, no, thank you very much.
Tom: Thank you.
Christopher: [tiny whisper] Please. [rough whisper] Please call!

Tom and the whole crew bust out laughing.

week: my fingers get a rest!