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Some very shiny black shoes. Some very wavy, loose black pants. Funky music plays. It's "What Do I Have to Do," by Stabbing Westward. As the camera pans up, it's clear this can be the only man in Smallville who wears sleek black pants: Lex Luthor. He's wearing a black overcoat and a baby blue shirt, all flapping in the wind. The camera keeps moving up until it's over him, the visual ogling continuing. Lex is squinting at something and it makes his head look a little compressed. Behind him are some big metal buildings. We're in front of the LuthorCorp plant. We pan even higher and see that Lex is standing on a landing pad. In front of him, a helicopter is descending. In the helicopter, Papa Luthor, wearing dark sunglasses, flashes a crocodile smile. Papa bounds out of the 'copter and greets Lex as he duck/runs, saying that it's a beautiful day. Lex says that storms are on the way. Papa throws some foreshadowing down on our asses by saying that in the Heartland, things can change in a minute. Papa asks if everyone is assembled. They walk up some blue-carpeted stairs. Lex says that twenty-four hours is short notice, but they tried to gather everyone. Hey, one show crammed a whole season of episodes into twenty-four hours. Lex asks what this speech that Papa's going to give is all about. Papa Luthor lies for no real reason. He says it's the same motivational speech Lex has heard a gajillion times. Papa meet 'n greets some plant executives, who all look way middle-aged. "Fire up the troops!" Papa Luthor calls. As they walk up some more outdoor stairs, Lex says that the plant just turned a profit for the first time in two years, and that the workers are expecting a deserved pat on the back. "I'll try not to disappoint them," Papa says. Oh man. I smell evil.
Lex and Papa Lionel finally hit a stage with a huge LuthorCorp logo on a sheet behind them. All the employees stand up and start clapping and carrying on. Papa Luthor raises his arms in a wide V. He tells the workers that they've all worked hard this year, and that they should be proud of themselves. Everybody claps as if it's a USO rally and Papa Luthor is Bob Hope. Papa gestures for the applause to die down. Lex claps behind him. "Just as a ship can only follow the course set by its captain, any business is only as good as its leadership," Papa Luthor announces. "Due to management failures beyond your control, this plant will be closing, effective immediately." The extras in the audience get rowdy. "What?" some of them mutter. "Good luck to all of you!" Papa says and raises his arms again as if he's expecting kisses. The crowd, obviously, is not pleased. Lex looks like he got punched in the gut. He follows his dad back down the stairs. Lex points out that his father just fired 2,500 people and blamed it on Lex. Papa replies, "One day you'll thank me, Lex." When? On Opposites Day? Papa Luthor says that Smallville isn't in Lex's future. It's just a brief bit in his biography -- the chapter titled, "Big Barn Love and Weekly Villains in Platitude Country." It even has woodcut artwork. Papa says we live in a meritocracy. (Oh, shit. We do?) He says that the plant wasn't performing, and he had no other option. Lex asks that Lionel spare him the corporate-barbarian spiel. Papa Luthor says, "Ooga, argh, growl!" In my head, at least. Lex says that the fired folks have families, kids, mortgages. Papa Luthor lectures that they're in business to make profit, not friends and that they can't let emotions get in the way of good business. Michael Moore is hiding in the back with a camera and an oversized check for thirty-five cents to pay for the first hour of Mexican labor. Lex says that the only reason Papa is closing the plant is because Lex wouldn't go work for him in Metropolis. True dat, true dat. Lionel says that Lex may have thought he found a home, but that Smallville was just a training ground. "Your training is over," Papa says. Lex looks pissed. Lionel gets on the 'copter and calls out, "You're coming home! Son!" The music builds back up. The helicopter flies off. Another overhead shot looking down at Lex on the landing pad. We zoom down on his face in tight close-up. Lex, you need a nap, my friend.
Opening credits. Isn't it enough that we have to hear Remy Zero again later in the episode? Can't we skip the song this week? Oh, wait. I can! I hit the fast-forward button.
The halls of Smallville High. Clark is panicked. He asks Pete's opinion: "Classic black or traditional red?" Pete is not amused by the racial profiling. Turns out Clark is asking about his tie/cummerbund colors for the spring formal tux he's going to wear. Well, Clark, if Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57 is to be believed, you should always bet on black. Especially if you're in Vegas at the Luxor. Pete advises Clark to stick with black. Solid. "This is no time to get adventurous," Pete says. "I don't know, Clark. Red always looks good on you." It's Lana. She comes up behind them with her wee girlish figure and her constant pink top. Clark, you're gonna take fashion advice from someone who wore a death crystal around her neck most of her life? "Red it is," Clark says, caving like a nocturnal cave monkey with agoraphobia. Pete says that now he has to go change his order or he and Clark will look like twins. "Yeah, 'cuz that happens all the time," Clark says as Pete walks off. Ah, ebony and ivory, living together in perfect har-mo-ny. Lana and Clark walk. She says he seems excited about the formal. Clark says that with the flowers, tux, and tickets, it gets expensive. I know! Why not exploit your superpowers for money? Goddamn, I'm a genius! Lana says that Clark should try finding the right dress. Clark "hmmms" in agreement. You guys know I'm not making this stuff up, right? Lana asks if the limo is out. Clark says he was thinking of asking Lex if he could borrow his. For a minute, my remote control button got too eager and I thought they were still talking about dresses. Clark says he knows Chloe really wants a limo, so he's trying to surprise her. He asks Lana to keep it a secret. Lana, who seems to have totally gotten over her Chloealousy, agrees happily.
Chloe walks up, looking all serious. "They're closing the LuthorCorp plant," she tells Clark. Clark looks shocked. He looks to the right. No, Clark. The plant isn't down the hall.
“ Clark says he talked to Chloe, and she's upset. Bo says he talked to Chloe's dad, and he's in shock. MamaKent considers telling them that she talked to Chloe's mom and she was having sex with her pool boy, Alfonz. ”
Newspaper headline: "LUTHORCORP PLANT TO CLOSE," it says. A subhead reads, I kid you not, "Management Problems' Sited." That's just sic. I don't care if it is The Smallville Ledger, that's just incompetent. Clark walks in behind Bo Duke and MamaKent, who are reading the paper. MamaKent says that the Ledger rushed a special edition, which they haven't done since the meteor shower. Yeah, they just couldn't wait to publish all those typos and get them out to the community. Clark says he talked to Chloe, and she's upset. Bo says he talked to Chloe's dad, and he's in shock. MamaKent considers telling them that she talked to Chloe's mom and she was having sex with her pool boy, Alfonz. Clark asks how this is going to affect the family. MamaKent says that the plant was the town's biggest employer, and the closing will have a domino effect. That means Domino's Pizza for everyone. Man, this is bleak. As she speaks, Bo covers his ears and rubs his temple, as if he's thinking, "Woman, shut up, shut up, woman, shut UP!" Bo interrupts to say he can't believe Lex would run the plant into the ground in a year. Given that it was a fertilizer plant, wasn't the plant already deeply entrenched in the soil? Clark feels a pang in his heart. But instead of singing about it, he asks why Bo is blaming Lex. Bo says that whatever issues Lex and Papa Luthor had have cost the townspeople their jobs. "You should be happy then," Clark says, all hurt and puppy love. "That means Lex is going back to Metropolis and out of our lives." I just figured it out. Lex and Clark are Romeo and Juliet! I should have guessed they were star-crossed lovers when Lex gave his little space soliloquy last week. Bo gets fightin' mad. He says that, as much as he would like Lex out of their lives, he wouldn't wish the plant closing on anyone. "I know, Dad," Clark says gently. door, Michael Moore is interviewing a woman who sells rabbits as pets or meat. Clark is sad. He says that Lex loved the town and had big plans. A production of Angels in America! A St. Patrick's Day parade! A sushi bar with little boats that float around the restaurant! "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions," Bo says. It is the most deadly and forbidden of platitudes Bo has just uttered. Yoda warned him not to use it unless it's an emergency and it looks like Bo just broke the glass and set off the alarm. Clark looks stricken. "Damn. That's some good platituding right there," he thinks, reluctantly.
“ 'Will you wait for me?' Jocko asks. Lana is nice enough not to laugh in his face. ”
Outside. Jocko Whitney -- who I'd like to add has become a total wuss pie with extra cream-wuss filling of late -- has his hands over Lana's eyes from behind and is leading her somewhere. Don't you know she has spooky psychic powers? She can see right through your hands, dumb-ass. Also notice how his fingers aren't anywhere near her eyes. Once you get your fingers in that makeup, they're not coming out. Lana is allowed to see what's there. It's a big, froofy picnic spread, complete with red plaid blanket and an ice bucket of Snapple. Jocko, what happened? You're so whipped now! "Why are you being so mysterious?" Lana asks. This is mysterious? Then Alan Alda must be the keeper of Pandora's Box. Lana says she's not complaining. It's just "kinda spontaneous." The dialogue isn't exactly Gilmore Girls, is it? That show's dialogue crackles. This one's dialogue sits at the bottom of a bowl of soggy cereal turning the milk the muddy brown of Cocoa Puffs. Jocko asks if he's usually boring. Well, shit, yeah. Why do you think they're writing you out of the show? I think they took his testicles along with the rest of his floppy hair. Lana asks what the occasion is. Jocko gives her a red rose. He says it's been a hard year and Lana could have made "other choices" instead of sticking by him. So he's just happy she didn't stray. If they start playing "Thank You" by Dido, I'm seriously going to fast-forward past this scene. Lana says she'd never abandon Jocko when he needed her. He needs you now: to give him back some shred of manliness. Jocko says he has something to show her. Lana tries to interrupt, but he hands her a folded piece of paper. It's from the U.S. Marine Corps. They want his testicles back, too. "I enlisted," Jocko says. He's going to be one of the few (testicles), the proud (to not be a bit player anymore on the WB), the Marines (as seen on TV). Lana is shocked. Jocko says that when he found his dad's medals, it was like he saw which path he should take. Lana says he shouldn't do it just for his father. "I'm doing it for us," Jocko says. He enlisted Lana, too? Lana says it's fast and that she needs time to process it. Her brain only has so many abacus beads. Jocko says he ships out Saturday night. Couldn't he have waited a week to enlist? It's not like the Marines are going to leave town like the circus. She asks about graduation. He says the only thing he's going to miss in Smallville is her. He still didn't answer the question. They won't take a high-school dropout, will they? "Will you wait for me?" Jocko asks. Lana is nice enough not to laugh in his face.
Lair o' Lex. Clark is there. He picks up that metal octagon from Lex's desk. Lex walks in. "Nice paperweight," Clark says. Lex looks down at his own pants, but then realizes what Clark was talking about. "Yeah. Very unique," Lex says. He asks if Clark can afford to be seen with the town pariah. "Seen"? Who else is around? Clark gives Lex a long, lingering look -- one that Lex himself might have lent Clark for the episode. He even gives a little sideways head bob. It is, sadly, the last Gayest Look of the Episode for the season. "What happened, Lex?" Clark asks. Lex says the theories are that he ran the plant into the ground (there's that phrase again) through incompetence, or he did it on purpose to go back to Metropolis. Clark says that Lex's dad already offered Lex a job in Metropolis. He suggests Lex just tell the truth. Lex says he'll get stuck with the incompetence tag. His ears are glowing. "Being reviled is the lesser evil," Lex says. Tell that to Forrest Gump. Clark says that Lex is going to Metropolis. Lex says that's why Papa Luthor did all this, but that it's not over. On this show, it's never over until the fat-sucking lady from "Craving" sings. Or eats a deer. Lex says he may have a plan. Clark gets up, saying that Lex has a lot of work to do. Lex thanks Clark for stopping by. "It means a lot," he says. "What are friends for?" Clark answers, then leaves. Lex fingers the octagon paperweight. He opens up a little metal/wood container on his desk, puts the piece of metal into it, and closes it. Nothing cool happens when he puts it in there like slimy goo oozing out or a heads-up display appearing and greeting him in a sexy British voice. Sadly.
“ Lex is talking to the elders from the plant who were just fired. I'm amazed they haven't strung him up by his bald balls yet. ”
The Torch. Clark greets Chloe. She says she and her dad aren't good at being depressed together. Clark says that if she doesn't want to go to the spring formal, he'll understand. Chloe does an "Are you kidding!?" and says it's the only thing she has to look forward to. What a sad life. She says she wants to enjoy all the quaint Smallville High customs. Like back-seat sex, for instance. She says her dad is talking about having them move back to Metropolis permanently. Clark asks what about the newspaper and Chloe's friends. How many friends does she have exactly? Two? Two and a half? Clark stops her in mid-track, putting his hands on her shoulders. She says she doesn't fancy fighting all the high-school BS again. She asks if Clark will miss her. "You even have to ask?" Clark says. Um, that's not really an emphatic "Yes." Chloe makes Clark promise the formal will be great. "It'll be a night you won't forget," he says. Pesky foreshadowing! He smiles big and bright. Chloe picks some lint off his collar. That's real love right there.
Lair o' Lex. Lex is talking to the elders from the plant who were just fired. I'm amazed they haven't strung him up by his bald balls yet. Lex holds a secret meeting for them. He opens by saying that when he started at the plant, people assumed it was nepotism (it wasn't?) and that he was promoted over more deserving people. No indication here of how that isn't true except that nobody stabs him in this scene. Lex says that the workers can stage an employee-led buyout with their own capital. Lex says he can raise 90% of the cash. As for the rest.... "Are we supposed to mortgage our houses?" one of them asks. Well, there is the exciting world of late-middle-aged male prostitution to consider, too. One of the workers says that Papa Luthor will never go along with it, and he's the head of the board. Lex says he knows some people who will vote in their favor with some convincing. Sexy convincing. Lex tells these sub-sub-sub-sub-captains of industry that he's offering them a chance to control their own destiny. "Stand with me and we will win," he says. These guys look like they can't control their own bladders, much less their destinies.
The Talon at night. The marquee reads, "Smallville's Best Cappuccino." That's a bold claim that extends, what, about fifty feet? Inside, Clark leans against a wall and adopts a pose of perplexed dudeism. Lana sees him and asks what he's doing wandering around. He says he found out that Chloe might be leaving for good. Lana moves her mouth a couple of times, but nothing comes out. She finally says that Jocko is joining the Marines. "That's intense," Clark says. Somebody needs to teach Clark how to talk. Lana says that Jocko asked her to wait for him. She laughs and said that she didn't give Jocko an answer. Cruel temptress! Lana says she just stood there in stunned silence. So the character has gone from standing around in a stupor to actually describing herself standing around in a stupor. I think that signifies some kind of character arc. Lana says that one day the guy is in school, and the he's putting on a uniform and saving the world. Smallville's Best Cheese, on display at The Talon tonight. "So you didn't commit?" Clark asks, his shark fin rising just above the water's surface. Lana told Jocko she wasn't sure. Lana says Jocko heads out Saturday night. Sensitive as a hot poker against the gumline, Clark says that at least she doesn't have to worry about a dress. Lana laughs so she won't have to stab Clark in the hand with a fork. Lana says she can't believe Chloe and Jocko are going to be out of their lives. "Me neither," Clark says. The shark's fin is now full visible. "I guess we get left behind, Clark," Lana says. Yes. Left behind in the booty call lane. Intense looks. Strummy crap alt-rock starts to play...
“ Clark, in his red t-shirt, leans on one of the wood posts and does his best J. Crew brood. You can almost hear his thoughts: 'Will leaning on this post make me look fat?' ”
...and continues to play into the scene. You know what? Maybe I've been a little harsh this season. Maybe I'm ready to embrace the light strummy stomach-heaving man-child vocals of these alt-rock bands. Maybe I'm ready to open my heart to you all. Creed? Three Doors Down? Goo Goo Dolls? Nickelback? Saliva? Let's be friends. PSYCH! You totally fell for that. Heh. No, seriously, you all still suck. And I say that as a friend.
Strummy alt-rock-crap scene where the music continues to play over my clawing of own eyes. Shot of Clark throwing a big wooden post into the ground. He's pushing several posts down to extend a wooden fence. Would we say he's fencing here? Clark takes each wood stake and drives it into the ground in an obvious homage to Buffy. There's been a lot of talk about Buffy vs. Smallville and I will say only one thing on the matter: nobody from this cast had the bad sense to star in a Scooby-Doo movie. That is all. Clark, in his red t-shirt, leans on one of the wood posts and does his best J. Crew brood. You can almost hear his thoughts: "Will leaning on this post make me look fat?" He throws on a denim jacket and gets into the blue Kentmobile. Turns the ignition. The truck blows up! Holy shit! How did we go from Smallville to The Sopranos so fast? Hilariously, the strummy music is still playing. I make up my own lyrics:
Clark.
He got blown up
By a big explooooooosion.
And now he feels bad
He feels oh so sad
Cuz he can't drive to get a latteeeeeeeeee!
Why can't he drive away?
Cuz his truck's flambéd,
Can this song get wooooooooooooorse?
Clark blows open the side door with his mighty strength and gets out of the truck, flaming. Flaming, I tell you! For once on this show, fire actually causes something to burn -- in this case, Clark's jacket. He takes it off. His shirt is all ripped up and holey, too. He tears it off, Hulk Hogan-style, and several million viewers completely lose their shit. Clark shakes his head and just stands there, shirtless. We even get to see him from behind so all those amateur 3-D modelers out there can create their own Tom Welling in true Weird Science fashion. Except instead of bras on their heads, they're wearing balled-up Superman Underoos.
We cut through the same image of Clark, but through the viewfinder of a video camera. We're in a car, and that dirty, sneaky Nixon is holding a remote control that set off the bomb. Why does he need that if he already had it connected to the ignition? They just wanted to make him look more dastardly, I guess. Fine. You dastardly, dastardly man! We cut away with Nixon holding the video camera and looking sly and evil and, lest we forget, dastardly. Another Smallville truck dealership salesman gets his wings.
“ MamaKent looks at Bo with alarm, then tells Clark that he must be getting stronger as he gets older. By the time Clark is a senior citizen, his farts will shatter whole universes. ”
So it's like nothing even happened. Clark is walking down the stairs at home buttoning up a shirt that's not in tatters. "So what do you think caused the explosion?" he asks, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Bo Duke thinks it was a leaky fuel line that ignited the fertilizer in the back of the truck. I thought there were just fence posts back there. Bo obviously has not been watching the show this season. "I'm sorry, I should'a checked it better." You just caused your son to blow up and that's all you can say? Bo should be on his knees, flagellating himself with a Cat-o-Nine-Tails. Clark says he's glad he was in there and not one of them. Because unlike him, they'd have ended up as Crispy Critters. Clark says he barely felt the heat this time, and the debris left no bruises. After hugging him, MamaKent looks at Bo with alarm, then tells Clark that he must be getting stronger as he gets older. By the time Clark is a senior citizen, his farts will shatter whole universes. Bo nods at MamaKent in agreement, caught unawares without a platitude in hand.
The Lex Lounge of Luscious Leisure. Lex is on a leather couch checking out some porn on his snazzy titanium Mac laptop. He's wearing sneakers! He's either reading or writing something about a modern empire. Then he switches over to a window with LuthorCorp financial information. Papa Luthor busts in. Doesn't Lex have any security of any kind that tells him when people are going to bust through the door? "You're not in a hurry to pack?" Papa Luthor bellows as he looks around. Lex says he's not leaving. Papa tells him to accept his fate. Accept the hate. Lex tips his hand early, saying he's forcing a vote on an employee buyout of the plant. Papa Luthor chuckles, pours himself a stiff drink, and asks what Lex is going to do -- ask the employees to take out a second mortgage? Um, yes. Lionel reminds Lex that even if he sells all his stock and blows his trust fund, he'll still come up short. That must not be much of a trust fund if it can't even buy a crap factory. Papa Luthor circles around asking where Lex is getting the rest of the money. Lex shuts his laptop and tells his dad that if Papa Luthor accepts the buyout offer now, he can keep his dignity. "That's more than you left me," Lex says. Papa says that's gracious, and drops something right on Lex's crotch. "You've bought the Smallville Savings and Loan," Lex says, looking at the crotchy papers. Papa tells him to go ahead with the buyout. As soon as the employees start missing payments, Papa won't hesitate to foreclose. Magnificent, you bastard! Papa says that the employees will be homeless, and it'll be Lex's fault. Can't they all just live in the castle? It can be the Luthor Commune. Lex looks defeated. Papa says that if Lex is going to take him on, he's going to have to bring up his game to a whole other level. That means rolling doubles in Monopoly, Lex.
School. Clark and Chloe meet on the stairs. She just picked up her dress. Clark says there's a problem. He can't pick her up. Because the truck? It got blow'd up garsh donnit. Chloe offers to drive. Chloe doesn't seem to live in a material world or be a material girl. Clark says he's going to lose the whole Prince Charming vibe. If he grows his hair out a little, he can at least be Prince Valiant. Clark and Chloe pass a group hanging around Lana and Jocko. Jocko says, "It's just something I gotta do." The jocks are muy impressed. Chloe brings up the Marines thing and says that, technically, that makes Lana a free agent. Clark says that Jocko asked Lana to wait for him. Chloe scoffs at that, saying that long-distance relationships never work. She points to her and Clark as an example. She says that, after a few weeks, Clark will forget all about her. "Chloe!" Clark yelps. Chloe confesses that she has a horrible vision of Clark rushing to Lana as soon as Jocko leaves, and professing his undying love for her. Ya think? She says that if Clark does that and leaves her at the gym, she will never speak to him again. "Chloe," Clark says. He kisses her on the cheek. Lana walks right by and looks destroyed. Clark says he's going to the formal with Chloe not by default, but because he wants to. Total lie. Chloe smiles a lot and says she feels better now.
The Talon. The sign reads, "Congrats Grads Now What." Lana needs to get a better creative outlet. Soon, it'll read, "Please Love Me Desperate Cry For Help." Inside, Nixon loses no time. He walks right up to Clark and asks for a minute of his time, calling him by his name. Clark asks how Nixon knows Clark's name. Nixon introduces himself. He says he'd really like to write a story about Clark. Clark says he's not interested. "Why weren't you hurt in that explosion?" Nixon asks. Uh oh. Nixon says Clark was in the truck on the farm. "I...was nowhere near that truck," Clark says, sounding for a millisecond like Jimmy Stewart as he lies. "Am I missing something interesting?" we hear. "Lex," Nixon says, before he even turns around to see that virile bald man behind him. Nixon must know what Lex sounds like from back there. Lex plays like he doesn't know Nixon. Nixon plays along, introducing himself. Lex asks when someone is going to put that bad excuse for a tabloid out of its misery. Clark does a little schoolboy half smile because Nixon got dissed. Nixon doesn't know how to react. He just says it was nice meeting Lex, even thought it was the exact opposite of nice. Nixon -- who has a red Gorbachev-looking patch of skin on his cheek -- tells Clark he's sure they'll see each other again. Lex asks Clark, after Nixon leaves, what that was about. Clark tells him about the guy wanting to write a story about him. Lex advises Clark not to get mixed up with the guy, and tells Clark that if he causes any more trouble, he should let Lex know. Clark moves his eyes to the right in a shout-out to Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles.
Kent Farm. Bo Duke is cutting a piece of wood with a table saw. He even has protective goggles on. MamaKent is sitting nearby, drinking coffee. Clark walks in. Clark tells them about Nixon, adding that he thinks the reporter set up the truck explosion. MamaKent asks how the reporter knew he'd survive. Clark says he must have seen him do something before, in one of the five gajillion times Clark's used his powers in public. Clark says that ever since Mean Cop/Officer Funboy, he's been really careful. Bo tries to assure Clark that it's not his fault. Bo tells Clark just to live his life -- take Chloe to the dance, and if Nixon wants to discuss matters, he'll pop up soon enough. So, denial, then? Wonderful. It's what's for dinner. MamaKent purses her lips and the table saw gets bent from the change in air pressure. Clark drops the other bombshell: about Lex having a piece of the spaceship. Clark says it's the "missing piece" that we've never heard about before. As he talks, we cut to outside, where Nixon is in a vehicle listening in on some sort of Radio Shack-rigged spy device. Cut back to the barn. MamaKent is in even more denial, saying that Lex can't trace the piece to them. Bo tells Clark not to use his powers for chores (aw, MAN!), and to stay away from the storm cellar. Cut back to Nixon who just got his mondo clue.
“ 'I hope you feel the same way,' Lex says. 'I do,' Clark says. He said, 'I do!' and he's wearing a tux! If there were a priest around, they'd be married right now! ”
Lex Manor. Nixon opens up Lex's metal case and pulls out the octagon. Again, Lex. I think you need to run to Target and invest $50 on a little security camera or at least hire a thug of some sort to guard your crib. Nixon pockets the piece. Lex walks into the room from a little stairway. Nixon is leaning back in Lex's chair. Lex tells him he was warned to stay away from the Kents. Nixon gets Lex's goat (who wouldn't want that goat?) by mocking Lex's constant threats at him. Lex is peeved. He says that Nixon must know how preoccupied he is. Nixon says he figured out something much bigger than Lex's problems. Lex doesn't like Nixon's newfound confidence. Nixon teases Lex, saying he might not let him bid on a discovery. He mentions Lex's obsessions with the crash site and the Kents. Lex says that the crash site has nothing to do with the Kents or with Nixon. "Are you sure?" Nixon asks. God, Lex, just piece it together already. Nixon gets up, telling Lex that he'll show Lex some hard evidence tonight, and that there's more to Clark than meets the eye. There's what meets the hand and groin, for instance. Lex threatens Nixon. Nixon says he doesn't plan to harass the Kents. But he might tell them about Lex's hiring him, or sell his discovery to the other Luthor. He's got your balls, Lex. How did you leave them unguarded like that? Lex tells Nixon he's playing a dangerous game. He warns Nixon that he'd better be right. Lex still looks tired.
A book flapping in a breeze. Clark is in the Barnness of Tuxitude, putting on his outfit for the dance. He calls out for MamaKent, asking for help with his bowtie. Instead, it's Lex. Oh Mama, indeed. Lex says Clark seems tense. Massage? Lex offers to tie Clark's tie. He says he's probably tied more of them than MamaKent has. And untied them, I'm sure. Smalltalk. Lex says he didn't want to stay at home. Clark talks about Chloe picking him up. Clark says he lost his truck in a farm accident. Oh my goodness! Lex wins a GAYLE with his bow-tying gaze at Clark's chest! Appropriately, it's a tie (ha, get it?) for the Gayest Look of the Episode. An unprecedented two Gayest Looks in one episode! I guess the season is going out with a bang. A very gay bang. Clark asks about the plant troubles. Lex says it's going to get ugly before it gets better. Lex uses the occasion to reiterate that he and his dad have a complicated relationship and his dad and he have no trust and it's all screwed up and blah blah blah Oedipuscakes. Lex says that any relationship founded on lies is destined to fail. He says it's a good thing he and Clark don't have that problem. Uh. Yeah. "Lucky us," Clark says. Lex tells Clark that whatever happens in the few days, Lex is still Clark's friend and that's never going to change. At least until Gene Hackman takes over the role. "I hope you feel the same way," Lex says. "I do," Clark says. He said, "I do!" and he's wearing a tux! If there were a priest around, they'd be married right now! Clark asks what Lex thinks is going to happen. Lex says he doesn't know, but he's got a bad feeling. A bad, season-ending cliffhanger feeling. Lex says it's the way you can smell the air change when a storm is coming. Clark says storms are a way of life around here. It's as inevitable as the cheese. Clark says the trick is not to be caught out in the open. Lex tells Clark to take care of himself. Long lingering looks.
“ Lana says they should get him to the bus station. He says he's got an hour. He pulls Lana close. Uh oh. Goodbye sex? 'Why don't we check out the gym?' he asks. Goodbye sex on the gymnastics horse? ”
School. Jocko is looking at a bunch of his trophies in the school trophy case. He tells Lana -- who's standing to him, bored out of her pretty skull -- that he always thought his whole life was in that case. Now it seems trivial. Dude, it is trivial. They won't even let you take the trophies home. Lana says they should get him to the bus station. He says he's got an hour. He pulls Lana close. Uh oh. Goodbye sex? "Why don't we check out the gym?" he asks. Goodbye sex on the gymnastics horse?
The gym. Lana opens the doors and it's dark. But everything is decorated. Which is crap, because surely people would be in there setting up drinks and killing stray possums that wandered in and the like. But, no, it's all deserted. They turn on the lights and there are balloons, disco lights, lit arches, and castle towers. Lana says it's beautiful. Jocko asks where everyone is. Lana explains that an hour before the dance, the setup committee goes home to get ready. What about the chaperones and teachers? I smell a plot contrivance. And it smells funky, y'all. Jocko pops a CD into a little bookshelf CD system that happens to be there. It's a song they played earlier in the season to show Clark's longing for Lana -- a strummy crap rock song that sounds unbearably desperate. Jocko says that she's missing the spring formal for him, but there's still time for one more dance. Jocko goes to Lana. They slow dance. I rest my typing hands as they do. Jocko apologizes for not telling Lana he was enlisting. "You're very brave," Lana says. So are lemmings who jump off cliffs. Jocko says it's sudden and he doesn't know how Lana feels about their relationship. "Let's just dance," Lana tells him. Thanks, Lana. My weary twenty-one- recaps-in-a-row hands thank you, too. They dance all the way to commercials.
Kent Farm. A '50s red car pulls up. Clark walks out to greet it in his big, strapping tux. He's holding a corsage. Awww! "Hi!" Chloe calls out as she gets out of the car. Oh. Chloe. That dress. Um. Yikes. It's pink. Chloe is very pretty. Let me just say that. She asks Clark if it's too pink. "No," he says, hesitating a little. "You look beautiful." Notice he said she looks beautiful, not the dress. Nice sidestep, there. Chloe says Clark cleans up nicely too. She asks what happened to the red tie. He says that instinct told him it was the wrong way to go. Clark puts the pink plastic-looking corsage on Chloe's wrist. She's so happy! She puts a white flower on Clark's lapel and seems to prick herself. "Did I get you?" she asks. Not unless she heard something prick a tin can. They exchange a long look. Chloe breaks it, saying they should go. Clark gets the car door for her. "In?" he calls. "In," she says, before he closes the door. I have no idea why, but I thought that was the cutest moment in that scene. Chloe says a storm's coming.
Nixon! Ooh, that guy is so evil! He's spying on them with binoculars. After they leave, he rubs the metal octagon diabolically. He's a magnificent dastard.
“ We get a shot of the truck that I bet will be wrecked even before Jocko leaves the state of Kansas pulls into a bus station. ”
School. It's raining. Limos are pulling up. Chloe and Clark get out of the car and run to the school from their primo parking space, giggling. Everybody's running, and I think of the "November Rain" video. Lana and Jocko run into them. How long were they in that gym? Lana says they look great. "Well, thank you Miss Rivers," Chloe says, pretending to be wearing a designer gown. They greet Pete and his date, who is indeed Foxy, but she won't be a character since she gets no real lines. She looks a bit like Mariah Carey. Pete and Foxtrot ask Chloe to take their picture. Chloe wipes some rain off Clark's cheek and goes to do that.
Clark talks to Lana and Jocko. Clark wishes Jocko good luck getting his ass kicked at basic training. Jocko asks Lana if he can have a minute alone with Clark. Secret love confession? Lana offers to bring the truck around. That's twice in two episodes that someone has tried to keep Jocko from driving. Jocko tells Clark that they've had a weird year; he thought Clark was trying to steal Lana, and he did some things he wasn't proud of. He apologizes. They shake hands. Jocko asks Clark for a favor. He says that Lana's not sure about their relationship. He says he is sure. He wants Clark to look after Lana until he gets back. Gets back? Is this whole Marines thing just a temp job or something? Doesn't Lana still have years of high school to go? Clark doesn't know what to say. "Say yes," Jocko advises. "Clark?" Jocko persists. Clark reluctantly promises. Lana honks from the truck. Jocko gives Clark one last shoulder pat, and he's off. Clark watches him go. Lana slides over in the truck. She and Clark exchange a knowing look. They wave at each other as sad music plays. Chloe comes up behind Clark and asks what that was all about. He says it was guy stuff, and changes the subject by asking if he's told her how beautiful she looks. Finally, Clark is learning how to treat a lady. Chloe says he did say that, but that frequent reminders are appreciated.
Storm clouds. The truck that I bet will be wrecked even before Jocko leaves the state of Kansas pulls into a bus station. "Taking you where you want to go," a sign helpfully reads. Well, I should fucking hope so. The wind has picked up. A mom is ushering her kids toward the station as leaves and dust blow. Jocko's shiny red truck comes to a stop. This is, what, truck #7? I shall miss seeing his vehicles go boom. In the cab, Lana asks if Jocko has everything. He says he's only allowed one bag. "I'd never make it as a Marine," Lana jokes. Yeah, because you're such a fashion plate, Barbie. Jocko smiles, and when he does, he has crow's feet to his eyes. How old is he supposed to be? He looks like Bo Duke all of a sudden. "I want you to have this for luck," Lana says. It's her kryptonite necklace, which may finally be out of our lives for good. Jocko takes the moment seriously, but I can tell he's wondering what his buddies in the Marines are going to think of his wearing it. He tells Lana he won't lose it this time. They hug. Jocko says goodbye. He gets out and grabs his bag, his newly shorn hair blowing in the wind. He's got Peter Krause hair now. Long goodbye stares. Lana gets out of the truck and goes after him. They hug some more. Jocko says he loved her the first moment he saw her. Lana balls a fist behind Jocko's neck. He says he'll love her when he sees her again. They kiss in the wind. No tongues, though. Jocko gets back on the bus, which according to the sign on it, is going to Wichita. Lana watches him go in her little Members Only white jacket. This scene sponsored by Greyhound. Greyhound: Not All Our Buses Smell Like Feet.
Tempest
“ If the Kents were white trash, they'd have the spaceship up on blocks in the front lawn. ”
Storm cellar. A shadowy backlit figure is coming down the spooky stairs. Do you smell that? It's the crispy, fetid odor of barbecued evil. And I think this particular piece of evil has been slathered in evil marinade. It's Nixon and he's carrying a video camera with a bright light mounted on it. Nixon sees a shape in the middle of the cellar. He pulls back a nasty-looking, raggedy tarp. And it's Clark's spaceship! If the Kents were white trash, they'd have the spaceship up on blocks in the front lawn. "Roger! Baby! You are going to be filthy rich!" Nixon says to himself. Not just that. You're going to be stupid rich. Lactose rich. Hare-brained scheme rich. Nixon's camera zooms in on the piece of the ship that's missing an octagonal piece.
Remy Zero! They're at the dance and they're singing, "Somebody saaaaaaaaave me!" The lead singer looks an awful lot like Lex. The guitarist is thrashing his piece even though this sounds like they're lip-synching. Folks are dancing, which, you know, I like this song and all, but it's not really something you can dance to. Unless you're Hedwig as a boy or something and you're just stomping your feet on your bed really fast. Everybody is wearing black tuxes. One detail they got wrong: in high school, there's always at least one dork who wears a baby-blue or white or gray tux. Fine, you caught me. I wore a gray tux to one of my proms. I was that dork. Pete goes up to Clark near the punch bowl ("Somebody spiiiiiiiiiiike me!") and tells him that Chloe is having a great time. We see her with Pete's Foxy Lady and they're laughing it up. Pete -- wearing a red bow tie -- says he's glad Clark stepped up. Clark agrees. "Hey, I like these guys," Clark says, pointing to the band. "Yeah. REMY ZERO!" Pete yells. Now, was that really necessary? The singer from Remy Zero looks sleepy, just like Lex in this episode. Maybe shaving your head all the time requires that much extra effort. More singing. One of the guitarists seems to have stolen a hat from Jamiroquai. They finish the song and everybody applauds. Hey, at least they're not Nickelback. Remy Zero starts playing another song, a slow one. Pete alerts Clark to the fact that it's one of Chloe's favorite songs. "Why do you think I requested it?" Clark says. Clark, you dawg!
Clark goes to get Chloe. He asks for this dance. They walk, arm in arm. A couple on the dance floor is kissing. Where are all the chaperones? Clark and Chloe start dancing. We go back over to the band.
Kansas road. The Remy Zero song is still playing as Lana drives, her eyes leaking big mascara-free tears. Storm clouds are all around the truck. Does she get to keep it while Jocko's gone? If so, score Lana! Lightning and thunder. Lana is wiping more tears. Trees are shaking. Papers are flying. Suddenly, a big batch of mailboxes slams into the truck, completely failing to shatter the windshield or even make a mark on it. Lana screams and the truck swerves. She lands right in a ditch, head pitching forward. Now there's a big crash in the windshield, but not from her head. Lana opens the driver-side door and falls out, breathing fast. She crawls to the road and finally stands. Three very fake-looking narrow blue tornadoes are in the distance. In typical Lana fashion, she just stands there, watching. Belying the conceit that she's from Kansas, Lana climbs back into the truck instead of lying in the ditch the way you're supposed to. Commercials.
“ MamaKent is still yelling, trying to get Bo to calm down and spout a platitude or something. ”
Kent Farm. We hear Bo and MamaKent yelling. They run outside and there's shit flying everywhere. It's a shit storm! MamaKent is carrying a thick blanket. They stop as Bo notices that the storm cellar door is open. I supposed that's better than finding out your barn door's open, because that's just embarrassing.
Inside the cellar, Nixon is fingering the octagonal hole. He pulls out the missing fragment from his pocket. It begins to vibrate and shake in his hand. The piece flies around the ship, hovers above the hole, turns a few times like a combination lock, and then settles into place in the octagon hole. Nixon is about to leave, it seems, when Bo and MamaKent come down the stairs. Nixon turns his camera toward Bo, asking questions. "Who the hell are you?" Bo yells. He the hell is Nixon and he's trying to introduce himself. Bo throws Nixon against a wood beam and says he's the one who threatened Clark. MamaKent yells at Bo not to hurt Nixon. She must want to do it herself. Bo asks if Nixon blew up the truck. "I knew it wouldn't hurt him," Nixon says, suddenly part man, part weasel. "Who sent you?" Bo yells as he slams Nixon into another beam. "Was it Lex Luthor?" MamaKent is still yelling, trying to get Bo to calm down and spout a platitude or something. Nixon says he doesn't need Lex Luthor, and that he's going to tell the entire world about their son. It will be celebrated in story and song, as they say. Bo punches Nixon in the nose. Hell yeah! The time for platitudes is OVER! "Nooo!" MamaKent shrieks as if she's Mother Sister toward the end of Do the Right Thing. Bo is trying to get Nixon to get up so he can administer a second can of Whupass. MamaKent turns her head, seeing something. She tells Bo to look. The spaceship turns and lifts up, hovering about a foot off the ground. Instead of taping it, Nixon scurries up the stairs -- to his death, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict. Bo tries to go after Nixon, but MamaKent stops him. "I will not let him destroy this family!" Bo bellows. MamaKent yells after him, but Bo goes. Behind MamaKent the spaceship has lit up. It's...it's...beautiful! It's the male model fashion boy of spaceships. The ship does some funky CGI where the light stops, and then some metal strips over what looks like the cockpit separate and it doesn't seem to be doing anything except showing off. MamaKent is bathed in lots of light.
Back at the much less interesting dance, the band is playing. Boy, this guy sure can sing. "Clark Kent, man of mystery," Chloe says, as they continue to dance. She says that just when she thinks she's got him figured out, he surprises her. He asks how. "The song. The tux. Tonight," she says. Clark points out that he's still there, too. "Yeah. You are," Chloe says. Lots more dancing. Clark pulls back. They look at each other and lean in to kiss. Chloe's hair is glittery. As their lips are about to touch, a microphone gives off feedback. A dorky-looking teacher (there are teachers at Smallville High? I would have never known) says that the National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning, and that three funnels were spotted heading toward the town. The tornadoes are south of town. Clark tells Chloe that Lana is at the bus station, south of town. She tells him not to worry and that Lana is probably home by now. Chloe says she'll call Lana on her cell phone. She tells Clark to wait there. When she turns around, our intrepid wuss hero is gone.
Tempest
Lair o' Lex. Lex looks in his little metal container, but sees that the octagon piece isn't there. He starts taking apart his office, looking for it. He throws some books. "Damn you, Nixon!" he yells. Papa Luthor chooses that moment -- with lightning flashing all around -- to walk into the room. Papa has figured out that Lex is using his mother's stock to fund his buyout. Papa Luthor says it's a bold move, but it won't work. "You braved the weather to tell me that?" Lex asks, still flustered and frantic. Papa says it's suicide, and that Lex is putting his employees' homes in jeopardy. Lionel says Lex is throwing away his future. "Or forging a new destiny free from you," Lex responds, that old Lex fire in his eyes. "You're not my enemy. You're my son!" Papa Luthor says, looking scared for the first time. Lex says he never saw the distinction. Papa goes on a rant about Alexander the Great and how he tried to leave his legacy to the strongest. "I believe the correct term is 'cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war,'" Lex yells. Man. I'm so tired of these bullshit Art of War clichs. Papa Luthor grabs Lex on both sides of the neck and says he'll bury him and anyone in Smallville who takes Lex's side. Lex tries to throw his dad's hands off; just then, the stained-glass windows behind them implode. Lex is thrown against a small table. A flat pillar leans forward and lands right on Papa Luthor as he screams. He's pinned down. Poor Lex's eye is bleeding as he squirms on the floor. He throws the furniture off himself. A beam falls from the ceiling, but narrowly misses Papa Luthor. A jagged-looking piece of ceiling is close to falling. Papa sees it and moans. He calls for Lex. Lex gets up slowly with his bloody eye. "Help me, Lex!" his father yells to him. Lex walks over. In the flashing lightning, he looks truly evil. He seems to consider what to do. "Son. Please!" Lionel says, stretching his hand out. Bloody Lex continues to ponder his action. See you season, Magnificent Bastard & Son.
Field. The three funnels combine to form one huge-ass one. Lana is trying to use her cell phone, with difficulty. A barn is destroyed as Lana watching, freaking out. She stays in the truck, of course. The storm comes ever closer.
Clark's-eye view of zipping through a bunch of roads at super speed. He finally reaches Lana's truck, stopping for fashionable tux effect. Lana sees him. "Clark!" she yells, banging on the window. He yells, but doesn't go over. She yells his name again. The storm picks up her truck as she screams. "Noooo!" Clark yells and zips into the fray. He had plenty of time to save her, if you ask me. Where's his bullet-time now? Debris flies some more. The screen goes black. "To be continued," the titles say.
Wow. That's it. An entire season of homoerotic tension, thwarted high-school romance, and not enough for Pete to do. Let's hope season gives us even more to make fun of.
Thanks, y'all. It's been a great (non-flying) ride. Props to Wing Chun, Glark, and Sars for making it a pleasure to work here and to all the forum dwellers, Smallville writers and producers who've acknowledged us, and all the readers. It's been a really fun season for me and an absolute pleasure, despite my frequent grumblings. See you all soon!