BlahnaVision

S01E20

By Omar G

It's the magical world of Vancouver! Trees! Autumn! Seasons! It's all here! Jaunty expedition music plays as we fly over the Canadian landscape. Put this on a big screen and it could be an IMAX feature. We keep flying past some trees and see two figures in the distance approaching on horseback. At least they're not banging two empty halves of coconuts together. We come in from all different angles and surmise that it's Lana Lang, in ponytails, and Ricky Schroder, riding on the horses. Oh, my bad. It's Jocko Whitney. I just can't tell who he is anymore with that new haircut.

Lana and Jocko slow down, and we catch some conversation. Lana says it's been a long time since they did this -- at least twenty episodes -- and that she thought it would be nice to take Jocko's mind off...she trails off. What? His father's death? The cold steel grip of Death's hand as he takes you with his skeletal claw and pitches you into his Sleep of Ages? Um, yeah. That. Jocko tells Lana that she can say it, and that he won't break. For a half second, I thought he was going to say, "I won't breakdance," and that the whole episode would be about Jocko when he used to be in a breakdancing group called "Groove Krushtonite." Jocko says that he's been a little out of it lately. Well, come one more episode, he might be out of it completely (by which I mean this show). Jocko asks Lana to the spring formal. She laughs and says he didn't have to ask. Well, maybe he was just concerned about those moony looks you and Clark exchanged at HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL. Jeez. Lana smiles, showing off one of her Kreukferatu teeth.

Suddenly, an explosion! Lana's horse rears up. Some CGI-looking black smoke is rising in the distance. Jocko and Lana tie their horses up to a convenient fence post and head over to see what's the dilly-o. It's a dilly-o, all right: a gas main is on fire. A police cruiser, a power company truck, and other Haz-Mat-looking workers are dealing with it. Lana and Jocko see what's going on. "Look," Lana says, pointing to another gas pipe that is shaking, looking like it's about to explode as well. They yell "hey!" to the oblivious workers, who are fixated on another pipe. Jocko tells Lana to run while he goes to warn the workers. So what does Lana do? If you've been watching her this season, I bet you can guess: nada. One of the workers tells everyone to run. Where's Lana? Standing right to the pipe, checking her makeup. Everybody runs. Lana finally moves, her bosom swaying side to side in Baywatch-motion. The main explodes spectacularly, like a rocket. Lana is caught in the blast, '80s-action-movie-style. Why isn't her hair or clothes or anything else on her singed? She falls, and a bunch of shiny green rocks fall around her, as if she's in a Skittles commercial and is being beaten up because she refused to taste the rainbow. Dirt follows. I like it in rap songs where they tell someone that somebody's about to take a "dirt nap." Jocko yells for Lana. The workers shove his head down behind the car. The less said about that, the better. More exploding. Lana wakes up, amid a bunch of little meteor rocks. Her hair isn't singed, but she's got soot on her cheek. Right. Two Ambiguously Gay cops show up, and Lana sees them in blur-o-vision. Jocko joins them, calling her name, and unwittingly becoming part of an Ambiguously Gay Trio.

Hospital. We've been here a lot lately, huh? I sure hope everybody's getting their parking validated, or this could get really expensive. Clark wanders down the hall and finds Lana's open room. Jocko is sitting bedside in a chair. Clark asks how Lana is. Jocko says they gave her something to rest. Yeah -- an explosion. Clark asks how Jocko is holding up. I just said -- with a chair. Jocko said he's not keen on hospitals lately. Just then, Chloe walks in behind Clark and puts her hands on his arm. Awww. Jocko looks away, as if he's the jealous one.

Clark leads Chloe outside and asks her why she's not on her way to Metropolis. Her summer internship interview with The Daily Planet is today, but she dismissively says she can reschedule. Shouldn't she be reporting about the explosion right now? Chloe says she feels weird taking off in the middle of what's going on. Clark says Lana's fine, and that it's just a mild concussion. Hasn't every character on this show had, like, three of those already? They're all going to be walking around, slurring their words like old-time boxers by the third season. Maybe Chloe doesn't want to leave because she's afraid Clark will use his wandering superpenis on Lana. Chloe tells Clark that she's staying at her cousin's dorm (is her cousin Lois Lane?), and says he should call her cell phone if anything goes wrong at The Torch. "Are you gonna wish me luck?" she asks. Clark says she doesn't need it. He gives her a little shoulder rub. Um, I think she was looking for a kiss, there, Clark. She leaves. Clark goes back into the room and offers to buy Jocko a cup of coffee. How about some caramels? Jocko kisses Lana innocently on the forehead. Clark looks down as if it pains his very soul.

Outside, it's nighttime. Chloe is leaving the hospital, walking to her car. If they all have cars, why were they riding the bus to school in the pilot? Inside, Lana is in bed. We flash back outside with Predator-Vision, which is cut to make it seem as if Lana is seeing this from her bed. Somebody's stalking Chloe. Lana opens her eyes, frightened. She's Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone! "Chloe. Ya house. It's on FIRE!" Chloe looks around. In the weird vision, we see her look scared, and a black glove enter the frame, putting a cloth on her mouth. Oh, Chloroform! My old friend. Lana sits up in bed dramatically, inhaling deeply. Outside, Chloe struggles. "Chloe!" Lana yelps, and we abruptly cut to the opening credits.

Somebody save Chloe! Honestly, I don't care how you do it. Just save, save, Chloe, come on. I made this whole 'cap shine for her.

Kent Farm, as seen on the white letters/red mailbox heart of Americana. In the kitchen, Bo is under the sink, snaking his hose. Or some such plumbing innuendo. Clark walks in and is immediately ambushed by MamaKent, who tells him that the school just called looking for chaperones for the spring formal. Bo would make the perfect chaperone. There's no better cure for teenage sex than a well-timed platitude. They induce flaccidity. MamaKent wonders why Clark didn't mention the formal. He says that he's not a tux and limo kind of guy. He's going to show up in a rented Bigfoot truck with a t-shirt that bears a picture of a tux front. Classy, Clark. Very classy. Clark also whines that he doesn't have a date. Um, hello? Chloe? MamaKent says he needs to ask somebody. "Martha. Stay out of it," says Bo. Is that bitterness I detect, Mr. Duke? Bo asks Clark to grab a pipe for him. And for once, it's not naughty. Clark reaches under the sink and pulls the pipe out easily. MamaKent asks whether Clark is going to ask Chloe to the formal. "She just can't help herself," Bo bellows. This is the kind of thing that's funny the first ten years of marriage but eventually turns into Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Clark says he's not sure. MamaKent reminds Clark about last week's episode, when he said he had feelings for her. "It's not about Chloe," Clark says. It's about the Lex! I knew it! MamaKent brings us back to reality: she says he can't keep baking in hopes that a Lana loaf will pop out of the oven. Clark says that if Lana sees him with someone else, it's like saying the door is closed. "The door is closed, Clark" MamaKent says. Dayamn! Clark got schooled by his own Mom! In his own kitchen! While he was holding his own pipe! That's some cold shit, MamaKent. You just scarred your son for life.

A knock at the door. "Was somebody thinking dirty thoughts about me?" Lex thinks as he suddenly appears. MamaKent invites him in. Lex says he came to see MamaKent and Bo. While MamaKent goes to fetch Bo, Lex tries to engage Clark in conversation, but Clark is in a hurry. Clark flips an apple in his hand (tempting the Devil much?) and heads out, saying he's filling in for Chloe at The Torch. This moment of non-homoeroticism brought to you by Not Ben Gay, the ointment of heterosexuality.

Bo arrives to greet Lex. Lex says that the paperwork on the chemical spill finally came through. A-ha, I knew it was the cow death settlement. Lex says that since the spill wasn't caused by a Luthorcorp employee, it took some hoops to get the settlement. Bo says he never thought he'd see the day. Lex says he knows the money can't replace Bo's sentimental attachment to the cows, but he hopes it will at least help. He whips a white envelope from his coat pocket. I dare you to put it on the bedroom dresser, Lex. Bo opens the envelope and stares at the check for a while. He says that he appreciates it, but hopes the money wasn't gotten because of Lex's friendship with his son. That's right, Bo. It's ass money. Lex says that has nothing to do with this. MamaKent tries to compliment the generosity, but Lex says it's not generous. It's the exact value of the cattle and grazing land. He doesn't want to insult Bo Duke by putting Bo Duke in Lex's debt. But if he did want to insult Bo...he could say, "I want to be the Boss Hogg of you." Bo considers. MamaKent does her little Mona Lisa smile. Lex offers his hand. They shake! Oh, man -- this is better than peace in the Middle East! Almost.

Bell rings. School. Clark is messing with a laser printer, and I keep thinking he's going to rip it in half. He even sticks a pencil into one of the rollers. Lana walks in. He asks how she's doing. "Better," she says. I swear, the way Lana dresses, it's like she lives in an alternate high-school universe where Britney Spears and Mandy Moore don't even exist. Clark says he's surprised to see her at school. You know, given that she hasn't been there in months with her work at The Talon. She looks around with her huge eyes and says that she's looking for Chloe. Clark -- who is wearing a fugly green plaid shirt -- says she's in Metropolis. Clark is having computer problems. And the spring formal schedule is late. Ooh, events! Clark says Chloe leaves for a day and The Torch goes down in flames. Bad pun! Lana says it's safe to say we won't lose Clark to journalism. It's not really losing a friend. It's gaining a media empire. Lana asks if Clark has spoken to Chloe. He says he left a message on her cell phone ("Hey, Chloe. Um, I uh, well. You know. We, um. Yeah. Goodbye"), but hasn't heard from her. Lana says she had an intense dream about Chloe. I lean forward so far in my chair I almost fall off. She says it was "surreal" (are you sure that's the word you're looking for?), and that Chloe was attacked outside the hospital. Lana says it seemed real; she even remembers Chloe grabbing her keys from her red bag with the butterflies on it. Clark furrows his mighty brow and says that was the purse she was carrying when she left the hospital. Cosmic coincidence or stupid plot point? You decide. Clark ponders whether to call Chloe's Dork Dad. Lana tells him not to worry about it, and says she was probably just high. She leaves.

The Home Pool Hall of Lexitude. Lex is looking over some plans on his pool table, yet right in the middle of it there's a green ball (the solid "6"). Our old friend -- that sneaky reporter Nixon -- walks in. He's wearing a suit, which is unusual given that you can hardly even get most tabloid reporters to wear socks. Without turning around, Lex wonders aloud why Nixon is there, given there've been no three-headed cows born in Smallville recently. Nixon says that they need to talk. Lex says that he seriously doubts that. That ranks pretty low on the comeback scale, Lex. Nixon is mad that Lex gave a story to the competition, namely that blow-for-blow interview he did with ReporterHo that ended up becoming a business-front-page story in her paper. Nixon is mad that Lex isn't feeding him stories. How many "Lex is great!" stories was Nixon expecting to do? Nixon asks what ReporterHo did that Nixon didn't. Nixon gives Lex a little up and down look as he says it, and I come very close to awarding him a GAYLE. "She gave me a pretty mean shiatsu massage," Lex says suavely. Nixon looks a little uncomfortable. But he must not want it bad enough, because he doesn't offer to match her bid. Nixon says that Lex can mock all he wants, but that he's been developing his own leads. He fingers a manila folder as he says it. Lex pours himself a glass of OJ. Nixon says that there's a story in Smallville, and that he plans to make his name on it. Lex turns and tells him that the Kents are off-limits and under his protection. I like how Lex just assumed that was the story Nixon was pursuing. Nixon asks whether the meteors are under Lex's protection. Nixon says he knows a guy who had an interesting view of the meteors, and who saw something fall out of the sky. A meteor, maybe? Nixon tosses his envelope over. Lex asks why Nixon brought this to him. Nixon says he needs money and access and that, unlike Lex, Nixon keeps up his end of deals. I think Lex has been keeping some ends; don't worry about that. Nixon leaves. Lex looks at the contents of the envelope. It's a flyer for a crop duster named Eddie Cole. "Nothing to large [sic]. Nothing to small [even siccer]," it says.

Clark is sitting on the most phallic-looking tractor ever. Those big wheels in the back don't help, either. He's trying to get his motor started, but the big tractor's engine just turns. Clark messes with it, slaps it around a little, and finally hits it in frustration, denting a panel. You've got to ease into it, buddy. You don't want your big phallic tractor to turn on you, Clark. Bo walks up and watches his son in shame. He hops the fence and tells Clark to take it easy. The tractor has been in the family a long time. "Go beat your girlfriend," Bo wants to say, hoping to continue a Midwest tradition. "They usually haven't been around as long." Clark says that the stupid thing won't start. Stupid, stupid tractor! Bo stops Clark and asks what's wrong. Clark says that he's worried. Bo says he's sure Chloe will call soon. Clark is getting the old silent trip treatment. Serves him right for jerking Chloe around for so long. Clark says that with Lex's ass money, they can finally get a new tractor. Bo says he's not ready to give up the girl just yet. Or the tractor, either. Bo says he hasn't decided to deposit the check. Yes, he knows Lex is just trying to do the right thing. But something in his gut (last night's chicken?) tells him something's amiss. Clark says that Lex isn't perfect, but that slamming the door in his face repeatedly only helps turn him into that which they fear. (I see a huge door in Lex's future, slamming.) "When did you get to be so wise?" Bo asks. I laugh out loud. "Ask my dad," Clark says. "I'll sleep on it," Bo answers. What the fuck? What does that mean? Does Bo have to sleep on it to figure out who Clark's dad is? Maybe he does, now that I think of it. This sounded scarily like it was going to turn into a Platitude Throwdown, of which Bo has won several international championships.

"Jumpin Java Bebop Fridays," the marquee at The Talon reads. They have officially run out of real events to have there. Clark walks in. Pete meets him there, and they walk in like they own the place. Clark asks whether Pete's heard from Chloe. Nope. Pete says she probably got the internship and is out partying with her cousin. Pete does a little party dance to make up for his lack of lines. "Look at me! I can dance, too! Give me a subplot! Somebody! Please!" Pete asks whether he mentioned that he's taking a girl whose last name is "Fox" (subtle, much?) to the spring formal. Clark says he's heard. Pete repeats it, pointing out that she's the hottest girl in their class. If she doesn't suck the fat off your bones, that already puts her pretty high up in the ranks. Pete does an adorable bit where he asks Clark if he wants to know his secret to getting the ladies. "I asked her," Pete proclaims. "You should try it sometime." Pete says that getting up off your butt is the wave of the future. Then I must be in the 1800s right now. Pete says he's gotta go reserve his limo. He reminds Clark that he's taking the "Fox" to the formal by pointing to his own nipples.

Lana walks up and asks if Clark has heard from Chloe. Nope. Clark even tried her dad, but he's in a seminar: "Bit Supporting Players on Overcrowded WB Shows: How You Can Make Your Mark." Clark notices a chalk sign saying that people can buy Spring Formal tickets at The Talon. He says that's a cool idea. Lana asks who Clark is taking. Clark says he's had his eye on someone. Lana says he'd better hurry, because nobody likes to look for a dress at the last minute. Lex, for instance. Clark, wake up. She has. A boyfriend. You really think she's going to go with you? "Not even Chloe," Lana says. Clark asks what makes Lana think he's asking Chloe. He smirks. Lana just laughs and walks off. I thought she was all broken up about the Chloe thing last week. As she's walking off, Lana suddenly has an orgasm. She gasps suddenly. She must use that Herbal Essence shampoo.

Lana has her Christopher Walken moment. She sees, in reddish filter-vision, what looks like a meat locker, only instead of meat hanging, it's stuffed animals in plastic bags. The camera whooshes over, and we see Chloe on the floor, on her knees, a blindfold over her eyes, and the rest of her all tied up. My God, Lana, you really are having sick fantasies about Chloe. Chloe turns around, panicked. We are fixed on Lana's eyes. We zoom forward and see somebody opening a door. It's some dude with a Gimp mask and goggles. Total Jame Gumb rip-off here. A mirror is smashed in the vision. At The Talon, Lana drops her tray of dishes, and they shatter on the floor. Clark goes to Lana. "It happened again," she says, breathing in short bursts. "I saw Chloe. Somebody's got her," Lana says.

The Lair of the Gumb. Somebody in some weird uniform suit is welding. "Come on Chloe, come on!" we hear. It's Chloe, and she's trying to tear the duct tape someone used to tie her up. She's scraping it against a metal edge. She's got spunk. And moxie. And true grit. She manages to break the tape and gets herself loose, throwing off her blindfold. She wanders around, amid all the stuffed animals in bags, looking for a way out. She finds a door with a bunch of holes in it. It seems to lead to some kind of stainless-steel Hell. The Evil One manages to sneak up on her, and attacks her, plunging a needle into her, containing weird green liquid that will never be mentioned again. Chloe screams. This girl has been abused more than anybody else on the show in the last few weeks. The villain turns her around and pushes her through the door to the metal room. It looks like an exam table. "Home, sweet home," Jame Gumb Lite says, in a computer-modulated voice. Chloe looks really tired.

Commercials.

Talon. A strange overhead shot follows Señor Sullivan as he walks in with two police officers. He says he called the Sheriff's office. Chloe Sullivan's Dad says he hasn't heard from Chloe all day and is worried. He tried the cousin, but has only gotten her machine. That's something that doesn't make sense: if Chloe is the one kidnapped, wouldn't the cousin be worried that Chloe never arrived? Lana says she had a vision about Chloe being kidnapped. One of the two officers -- we'll call him Bartok the Elder, because I really can't think of another good name -- snarkily says that maybe she should have called the Psychic Friends Network. Fortnoy the Young asks what Lana saw. Lana says she saw Chloe bound in a dark room. Bartok says it's too bad she didn't see something useful, like an address. Clark gives Bartok a dirty look. Suddenly, Daddy Sullivan's phone rings. He answers. Fortnoy asks Lana if she's okay, given the ordeal she went through the day before. Lana takes offense at that and says that her vision seemed real, like she was looking through the kidnapper's eyes. Bartok gives her a little "sure, whatever," look. Fortnoy says they'll look into it. With Dionne Warwick. Papa Sullivan gets off the phone. He says "they" found Chloe's car in the woods. It's been abandoned. Wouldn't the police be the ones who knew that first?

Lexmobile. The silver vehicle pulls into a crap-ass, dilapidated part of Smallville we haven't seen before. An American flag waves defiantly, but I mean, damn, if you can afford a flag, can't you afford a rake or a trash can? Lex gets out of the car and says he's unimpressed. Well, yeah. Nixon steps into a puddle. A guy in a flannel shirt -- who's layering and looks like one of those posters of a guy with his lower lip pulled over his nose -- greets them. He knows who Lex is. Nixon explains that, twelve years ago, the guy had tons of clients. "And then?" Lex asks. "FAA pulled my license," the guy says grimly. He bitterly says that the FAA decided he wasn't right in the head when he wouldn't keep his mouth shut. Lex asks how much the guy charged a day. $600. Lex whips out a wad of bills and peels them off, saying he'd like to hear the guy's story. The guy says he was up in Barker's field dusting fifty acres of "sweet corn." Mmm hmm. The guy, shaking, says that a meteor missed his tail by about ten feet. He saw something go straight down, then swerve before it hit. Maybe it was one of those rock birds -- you know, the ones that look like meteors but have wings? Nixon gives Lex the weirdest sideways smirk ever. Lex says it doesn't sound like a meteor. The guy says he knows aircraft, and this thing had to be a ship. This guy's patchy beard looks like fuzzy white mold. He says he not only saw a ship crash, but when he went to look for it, it was gone. Lex says maybe it burned. "Or maybe...it was taken," the guy says. Old Moldy says that nobody believes him except Nixon. Nixon -- who has a weird patchy thing on his cheek -- smirks some more. Lex says he's seen the map of the crash site Moldy created. He says it's a good story. Then he leaves. Aw, Lex! The truth is out there, man! Moldy looks at his money and snaps his fingers. Nixon follows Lex. "You brought me a desperate man and a tall tale," Lex says. I think he was disappointed that it wasn't a tall man with some desperate tail. Lex says Nixon's time is up. He gets in his car, leaving Nixon with Old Moldy.

Moon rising. Clark is in the Barnness of Missitude. He misses Chloe. It's sad. Strummy music plays. Lana walks up the stairs and asks about Chloe. Clark's telescope is pointed up at full attention. He says that he and Bo went to the abandoned car, but that they didn't find anything. Clark says they're organizing a posse for searching purposes. Lana says she spent the afternoon describing what she "saw" to the police. Didn't they ever see The Gift? Lana asks how Clark is holding up. He says he just wishes Chloe would walk up those steps. Sigh. I miss the days when he wished it were Lex. Clark says he never knew how much she meant to him, and that the thought of never seeing her.... Lana stops him and says he can't think that way. Because it's not about Lana, for once. He remembers the first time he met Chloe. It was eighth grade, and he was assigned to show her around when she arrived from Metropolis. She asked where she could find a copy of the Daily Planet so that she could keep in touch with civilization. When she found out Clark lived on a farm, she demanded to see it first-hand. "I think she thought I was Amish," Clark says. I mentally play back Weird Al's "Amish Paradise." Hee. Apparently, Chloe kissed Clark right off the bat. She knew he'd been thinking about it all day and wanted to get it out of the way so that they could be friends. Wow. Chloe was aggressive! Lana laughs. "It was my first kiss," Clark says. If you don't count Bessie the Cow. Lana says it's nice that Clark's first kiss was with someone he still cares about. She gives him a pained look and assures him that they'll see Chloe again. Go on, Lana! Make your move! She gets up to leave abruptly, and has another orgasm. This time, she sees the big windmill from the episode where she and Clark sat on top of it at the end. She sees a grave. Chloe's in a casket. Lana snaps out of it. She says Clark she saw Chloe. Alive, but buried. Clark knows where the windmill is. He goes to get help.

We pan across Chloe in the coffin. There's green Glo-Stick light that slowly fades when we get to her face. She looks at the stick sadly.

Clark zooms to the windmill. He climbs up. X-ray visions the ground. Chloe! He punches the ground and digs her up, ripping the coffin open. He yells her name, and she awakens, her nose all red. "I knew it was you. It's always you," she says, laughing. From yards away, somebody's watching them. Commercials.

You know that commercial where the women are taking off and putting on their jeans over and over? They need to make a six-hour version of that so I won't have to keep rewinding.

Smallville Medical Center. I sure hope all these teens have insurance. Chloe's on the phone as Clark and Lana come into her hospital room. "I gotta go," Chloe says to the phone. "Some real people just came in." So it was an imaginary phone conversation? Chloe says it was the Daily Planet. They were calling for an interview. Chloe says she always wanted her name in the paper, but not like this. Instead, she'll write an exclusive for The Torch. Clark sits down and asks if she remembers anything. Well, there was that one episode where they kissed. And the episode where Pete dated that fat-sucking chick. And...oh, wait. This isn't a clip show. Instead, she remembers tripping on metal rails. Chloe's voice quavers as she mentions the stuffed animals. She breaks down crying because she remembers the dirt falling on the coffin. Clark tells her not to thank him -- she should thank Lana. Lana shifts uncomfortably. Chloe says she picked a fine time to take a walk on the weird side. Lana laughs. Chloe smiles. As Clark tries to leave, Chloe grabs his hand and asks him to stay longer. Clark stays. They hold hands. Lana knows where she's not the focus of attention. She leaves. She lingers at the window, making sad eyes.

Lana walks down the hospital hallway looking all spooked. Here's why: she sees behind herself! It could be all metaphysical and meaningful, but let's face it. It's just a spooky lens filter and somebody thumping the foley mike. She turns. The camera turns with her. Nothing over here. Hmm. Let's turn that way.... The shaky camera follows her, but she doesn't find anything.

Kent Farm, presumably the day. Bo is loading some bags on the blue truck. He asks Clark -- who's walking up -- how late he was at the hospital. Well, let's just say it was past "visiting hours," heh heh. I have no idea what that last sentence was supposed to mean. Clark says Chloe is worried that her abductor is still out there. He picks up a couple of bags at a time. Every time a bag is thrown, a punching bag sound effect is made, and doesn't vary at all. Bo asks about Lana's visions. Clark says they started after the gas explosion. Sometimes I get visions when I have a gas explosion. Clark says he wishes he could find out through whose eyes Lana was seeing. Bo tells him to leave it to the police, and worry about the feed they're loading up for the Millers. Trying to be all casual, Clark asks Bo what he's going to do with Lex's check. Bo says he may be stubborn, but not blind. Um, blind? What does that have to do with it? Don't you mean "Stupid"? Oh, yeah, I guess you couldn't really deny that, could you? Bo says that, as soon as they deliver the feed, he'll deposit the check.

Clark and Bo drive off, and somebody's watching them through binoculars. And not just the cinematographer. Spooky driving-off music plays.

The Kents pass the "Smallville: Meteor Capital of the World!" sign. As they arrive at a field, we see a bunch of people in yellow Haz-Mat suits working. A small tent is set up, and a little digger machine is working. Bo looks at the scene in horror. He sees Lex Luthor talking to one of the yellow suits. Lex signs a clipboard and goes over. Clark asks what's up. Lex says he's considering buying the land for an agricultural project, but that he's testing the soil first. Bo asks why they're using metal detectors and hazard suits. Lex says there was a meteor strike on the spot. Lex says that the meteors aren't harmful, but that it doesn't hurt.... "To dot your I's and cross your T's," Bo finishes. Lex asks if there's a problem. Bo, struggling for words, says that what's good for the company isn't always good for the town. Bo pulls out the check. He says he decided he can't accept the money. Lex says he doesn't understand. Bo takes Lex's hand and shoves the check into it. "I wouldn't expect you would," Bo says. The fuck? Bo is just a cryptic, Yoda-rejected-catchphrase-spouting man, isn't he? He takes off. Clark tries to talk to Lex, but Lex says they'll talk later. As they're walking off, Clark tries to talk to Bo and asks what's up, and to say that Lex didn't deserve that treatment. Angrily, Bo says that the field is where Clark's ship crashed down. He's worried they'll trace anything they find back to Kent Farm. If they find delicious organic fruit out there, then they're definitely screwed.

In the field. "Lex, you gotta see this," somebody says. The yellow suit hands Lex a baggie. The yellow suit takes off his hood and mask and, hey! It's Dr. Hamilton! Hamilton asks Lex if he knows what this could mean. Lex tells him to handle the tests himself and report back to Lex only. Hamilton winks his eyebrows at Lex in such a strange and surprising way that it could only be the Gayest Look of the Episode. Go watch it again if you don't believe me. Hamilton scampers off.

Talon. Lana is cleaning. Jocko shows up with his screwy new hair. What follows is the boringest scene of the episode. I know some people really like Jocko, but, damn. This scene just sucks. Quickly: he went through his dead dad's stuff and found some military medals. Jocko agonizes about football versus doing something important in life. That's it.

The Barnness of Slashitude. Lex comes up the stairs to see Clark, who is studying some photos. Lex says he wants to apologize to Bo, but he's not sure for what. Clark says it's not Lex. It's money and farm woes and that Bo didn't know what Lex was doing in the field. Lex notes that Clark doesn't believe him, either. Clark says that Lex gets obsessed about things. Like the car accident. Clark's ass in jeans. The soundtrack to Mamma Mia!. Clark says he finds it hard to believe that Lex would supervise a land survey. Lex says that his life changed during the meteor showers, and he needs to know why. Lex tells Clark about the crop duster guy. Clark smiles, "And you believe him?" Lex says he'd be remiss not to check the guy's story to see if it's true. Clark tries to turn it around and ask if he'll check every crazy story that pops up. Clark asks when Lex will put his past behind him. Lex tells Clark to look at the stars, and repeats the oft-used thing about long-extinguished stars' light just now reaching us. He says that the past is always influencing the present. Lex says he wants to understand it. Again, we don't see Lex leave the barn.

The thing we do see is Clark at the darkened office of The Torch. Chloe walks in. Clark asks why she's not at home sleeping. Because of the nightmares, silly! For someone who's so worried, though, it seems she had no problem getting into a vehicle and driving to the newspaper office, where she would likely have been alone in the dark were Clark not there. Jocko shows up, too, and says that Clark called him saying that he needed help. Clark's got a theory about Lana's visions: he thinks the explosion caused them. Why isn't he telling Lana this? Clark says he thinks it connected her with someone at the accident. You mean like a skin-melt? Somebody call Modern English. "Clark Kent leaps tall theories in a single bound," Chloe says. Ack! I wasn't expecting that cheese and it went down the wrong pipe! Clark explains that there were meteor rocks at the explosion. He also shares an article about De Kretser Syndrome, which is when you buy an expensive German car and then realize it makes you look like an asshole. Oh, wait: it's actually a post-traumatic stress disorder first noticed during the London Blitz. People who were in bomb shelters found themselves psychically linked after bombs went off nearby. This is such a stretch. First off, it was before they had Jerry Bruckheimer. Chloe's sold. Jocko says that the article points to times of stress, anger, and excitement. Clark asks who Lana was around after the accident. Jocko, and Deputies Watts and Vertigo. "Vertigo"? Did I hear that right? Chloe says one of the deputies is in a bowling league with her dad. "Which one of them got to her first?" Clark asks. Jocko asks if Clark thinks a cop kidnapped Chloe. "Who would suspect a cop?" Clark asks. Well, you, for one. And the entire city of Los Angeles. Clark says they have to find Lana, since one of the cops knows she's seeing through his eyes. Jocko offers to drive. Chloe stops him: "Um, that's okay. We'll take my car." I'm not sure if that's a shout-out or not, but obviously somebody noticed that Jocko crashes his truck every time he gets into one. Clark gives a tight little smile, and they go.

The Talon. Lana walks down some stairs; the columns around her have little Egyptian-looking paintings on them. She's carrying some flowers, but they wilt beneath the death rays of her preternatural prettiness. "Miss Lang," somebody calls. Lana turns and it's the huskier cop, Bartok the Elder. He says he needs to ask some more questions. Lana says she's surprised he found the time. "I know I deserved that," he growls. She asks if he wants coffee. He gives her a weird look and says, "Sure." Lana walks and suddenly has one of her Herbal Essence moments. She pitches forward and sees a gloved hand approaching the front door of The Talon. Somebody speeds up behind Bartok and clocks him in the face. Bartok falls. The Foul Lens-Filter Beast goes up to Lana, who doesn't bother to turn around. Behind her, we see the weird masked guy. Lana finally turns. She screams. For commercials!

The gang arrives, helping Bartok into a chair. "Where's Lana?" Jocko slowly asks the officer. Shouldn't they call a hospital or something? This guy could be spilling brain fluids and they wouldn't even know it. He says he doesn't know. Clark asks where his "partner" "Gary" is tonight. Bartok says he doesn't know, but that Fortnoy works a part-time job at the carnival grounds. Damn those carnies! Clark mentions the stuffed animals Chloe saw. She says it's the perfect place to hide someone, since it's off season.

Carnival grounds. Man, this place is spooky. We pan across some stuffed animals in plastic bags. Lana is lying on a blanket on the floor, tied up. She keeps yelling, "Hello!" That blanket is a nice thing for the kidnapper to do. It's fine to kill, but you don't want to give someone splinters or carpet burns or sore knees. Lana struggles and calls for help. "No one can hear you," a shadowy figure says. It's Fortnoy, and he looks like he's wearing a costume rejected from Demolition Man. He asks how Lana saw through his eyes. It's called empathy, dude. Lana says she doesn't know. He approaches, without his freaky mask. Lana recognizes him and asks why he's doing this. He says he never wanted to hurt Chloe. He says he didn't want money. He just wanted to rescue her. Lana basically repeats what he just said. He yells that he could have been the best cop the town had ever seen. This guy is already the most forgettable villain of the season. He says the case would have made his career. Who would he have caught? He says he can still be the hero: he'll just solve Lana's murder. Wait a minute -- if he solves Lana's murder that means she...RUN, LANA, RUN! Lana begs for her life. Fortnoy cocks his gun. He looks so damned silly in that puffy uniform.

Outside. Clark zips it to the carnival grounds. He probably has time to win some prizes and go on the roller coaster if he likes. He x-ray-visions a wall and sees Fortnoy pointing his gun at another skeleton figure. "Lana," Clark says.

Inside. Fortnoy is about to pull the trigger. In slow bullet-time motion, Clark runs in. The gun goes off. Clark zips in and sticks out his hand, deflecting the bullet. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The bullet ricochets up and shatters the glass ceiling. Clark leaps on Lana to cover her from the glass, doing a slow-motion dive where we can see his navel from below. Fortnoy runs. Clark unties Lana and tells her to stay there, where she'll be safe with all the broken glass around her.

Outside. Fortnoy the Younger is looking for a place to hide. Good luck, in that costume. Clark ends up behind the poor Demolition Man. "It's over," Clark tells Fortnoy. Fortnoy can't hear because he's evil. He shoots at Clark and makes some bulletholes in Clark's shirt. Judging from the sound effects, Clark is made entirely of tin. And he looks pissed. "What the hell are you?" Fortnoy asks. The WB's salvation. Clark throws the villain the requisite thirty feet toward an unassuming ticket stand. It falls apart. Cops with sirens blaring come down the fairway. Clark zips away as Fortnoy struggles to get up.

Lana, inside, has another vision. She sees, through Fortnoy's eyes, the cops arriving and pulling out their guns. They tell Fortnoy to drop his gun. Apparently, he's recovered enough to stand up, give a mighty scream, and point his gun at his comrades. The last thing he sees is a cartoony bullet coming right at him. The screen goes black. I thought cops were supposed to aim at the leg first.

Epilogue. The Funhouse just doesn't seem so fun anymore. Clark ushers Lana out to the cops. Somebody is still watching through binoculars. We see now that it's shady-looking Nixon.

Back in the barn. Clark is pitching some hay at normal speed, which seems like an incredible waste of time. Chloe walks in. She's smiling. She says she has good news: she got the internship. "That's great!" Clark squeals, and hugs her. Chloe says they read her article about the kidnapping cop, and her work spoke for itself. Clark, who is wearing work gloves (why? Is he afraid of calluses?), says that means she'll be gone for the summer. Clark looks sad. Chloe asks if he'll come visit. "Yeah! Of course!" Clark squeals again. I don't like this new, squealy Clark. Comfortable silence. Chloe says she wanted Clark to be the first to know. Strummy music plays. Chloe moves to leave. Clark, brandishing his pitchfork menacingly, calls after her. Clark asks if she has plans for the spring formal. Near to bursting, she says, "Not at the moment." Clark asks her to the formal. Chloe smiles and then smiles again and it's completely fucking adorable. "I'd love to, Clark," she finally says. She shows lots of gum when she smiles like that. She says she's going to leave before her good karma runs out. Clark stops her again. He apologizes for waiting so long to ask. Yeah, you should apologize. Ass. Chloe says it was worth the wait. Yeah, that pitchfork made it all worthwhile. Clark looks pleased with himself, indeed.

Stately Luthor Manor. Hamilton walks in briskly, asking Lex where his crop duster guy is. Lex says he seems to have disappeared. It was Keyser Soze! Hamilton says that maybe something scared him off. Who would have done that? Bo Duke? Hamilton says he has info on the "fragment" they recovered. The sentence fragment? The one that says, "To the store"? Lex asks what it is. Hamilton, making himself comfy on the chair, says he only knows what it's not. Lex says he doesn't like riddles. "Then this puzzle will make you profoundly unhappy," Hamilton intones. Man, I love that guy. He holds an octagon-shaped piece of metal. Hamilton lays it on the desk and says that there is nothing like that alloy on this Earth. Lex looks down at it. He looks at Hamilton. Back down at the octagon.

We cut to an octagon-shaped hole in the ship in the Kent Farm basement. Big, sweeping music plays. So! Ominous!

week: Twisters! Pink dresses! The end of the season! Omar finally gets some sleep!