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I hope you're all hungry this week, because it's time for some glorious, delicious cheese.
We open on some back road with lots of trees. We get an overhead shot of a red SUV hauling ass down the road. Loud crap rock is playing. I think it's after winter, when Kansas looks especially Vancouver-esque. Inside that vehicle, a nervous, dark-haired guy is driving while a very fake-looking, spiky yellow flower sits to him. Tragically, the flower isn't wearing a seatbelt. We have those laws for a reason, you rogue flower, you. Nervous Guy is further flouting highway safety by talking on a cell phone. He tells whoever it is on the phone that he's James Beales and he wants to talk to Papa Luthor. (He doesn't actually call him "Papa," so we can put away those momentary suspicions that he might be a bastard child.) Nervous Guy says that Papa Luthor is expecting his call. Cut to the hauling-ass truck exterior shot. Cut back to a Hawaiian girl doll on the dashboard and the wipers moving even though there doesn't appear to be any rain. He yells into the phone to get Luthor out of whatever meeting he might be in. He yells that he won't hold, and that whoever's on the other end should tell Papa Luthor that Nervous Guy found something. He casts a sideways glance at the silent flower. Then he yells some more. Nervous Guy has just become Road Rage Man. He slams the cell phone on the dash and drops it, disgusted. He pushes the gas down harder. We cut to the outside and see that he's fast approaching the back of an old blue truck.
Cut to the inside of that blue truck. Bo Duke takes his hand off the car radio, which is gloriously playing the opening verse of the Waylon Jennings's Dukes of Hazzard theme. Bo taps the dash and the steering wheel, clearly grooving. First off, I'm gonna take this as a shout-out, however undeserved it may be. Second, God bless poor, footless Waylon Jennings, who died recently. Those shout-outs aside, let it be known that this is a complete and perfect moment of pop-culture synthesis. Let us just bask in it for a moment, shall we? Ahhhh. Moving on...
Cut to outside. The truck is fast approaching, flashing lights, horn a-honkin'. "What's your hurry, pal?" Bo Duke yells, to no one in particular. He seems to have shaken off his dead-cow grief from the last episode pretty quickly. "Woah woah woah!" and "Hey!" Bo Duke says, as the truck gets closer and then finally starts hitting his back bumper. I'm not gonna say anything about whether Bo is prone to having his back bumper bumped, but he doesn't seem too pleased about it, which seems to mesh with what we've heard about his sexual orientation. "Move it, already!" Road Rage Man yells, and speeds up to hit Bo's truck really, really hard. Bo pitches forward in his seat.
More honking. Lights flashing. The truck starts to pass Bo's truck, then turns into the side rear. Both trucks come around a bend, and it looks like the shot was in widescreen, but that they panned and scanned it. The red truck passes around Bo's right and then hits a carefully hidden ramp made to look like a lot of brush. The truck goes up, flips over, and lands on its top. "Wuh-hoah!" Bo says, with a complete lack of concern. Another Smallville truck bites the dust.
Bo does a cool thing where he does a turning-skid stop and opens the truck door just as it comes to rest. That Bo Duke. He's still got it, ya know. "Hey! You all right?" he yells. An unnatural amount of smoke is coming out of the overturned red truck. Bo rushes over and pulls the guy from his truck through a window. The guy has a patch of blood on his head. "Okay...get you out of there," Bo mumbles to no one in particular. He lifts the guy over his head, Vietnam-buddy style. "I'm gonna put you down," Bo says. You do realize the guy's unconscious, right, Bo? They rush away as the music speeds up and, as must always happen, the truck is going to explode. It does. Bo instinctively shield-hugs his rescuee.
Bo lovingly cradles the injured man's head. He asks whether the guy is all right. As he looks to his right, the flower from the truck is sitting to the guy. See how far that flower flew out of the truck in the entirely wrong direction? I warned you about that seatbelt. The flower does a CGI wiggle and shrivels as ominous music plays. Bo stares at it. It spits out some yellow mist while roaring, a remarkable roar for a flower. Bo sneezes. He tells the guy he's going to get him out of there, continuing the running commentary on his good deed. The flower lies down, as if spent from all this action. Cut to the opening credits.
The Lair of the Lex. Lex is talking to our favorite scientist/henchman, Smooth Joe Morton as Dr. Hamilton, the meteor rock specialist with the funky hair. Lex is pouring a glass of orange juice. As Hamilton is brought in by an aging manservant, Lex complains that part of their deal was that Hamilton wouldn't drop in unannounced -- at least not without some cookies or a fondue, at least. Hamilton, pissed off, says he wouldn't have except that one of Lex's employees, who was helping to install some equipment, stole something from Hamilton's lab. Lex asks what it was. Long pause. "A flower," Hamilton says. Oh, I get it. It must be the prom corsage he was saving in the freezer. Lex turns to Hamilton. "You're kidding," Lex says, all faux concerned. Heh. Hamilton says that this flower had been extinct for a hundred years. Lex is mad that this geologist is straying from the meteor research he was paid to do. Hamilton says that he irradiated the dormant seeds whatever blah blah blah kryptonitecakes. Lex declares that plants are not people. Unless they're wallflowers. Hamilton explains what science is, but in a much angrier way than Bill Nye, the science guy. He tells Lex that if he doesn't understand science, he can find another T2-surviving bad-ass. Lex, enjoying the argument, smiles as the camera sails smoothly to him. "What's his name?" Lex asks as Hamilton is leaving. "James Beales," Hamilton says, one hand in his hip pocket. He explains about the car accident and, what do you know? He was saved. "Don't tell me it was Clark Kent," Lex asks. Nope. Mumbling Bo Duke saved him. Lex finds this delicious.
“ Lex looks disgusted even though he's starring in Sorority Boys this week and has no right to pretend a burp is gross. ”
Kent Farm. While Pepperidge Farm remembers, this farm seems to have infected the town with collective amnesia about Clark's powers. But, I digress. A wooden duck is sitting on a table in the living room as Clark walks in. Clark calls out for Mom and Dad as he puts his stuff down. He walks in, saying he heard about the accident and...oh. Oh. Man. Bo Duke and MamaKent are getting it on atop one of the kitchen stools. Clark spins, and says, "I did not need to see that." MamaKent giggles. Face suckers. "Just getting the old hero's welcome, know what I mean?" Bo bellows, then slaps MamaKent on the ass, hard. This is a Bo Duke I could get used to. Clark asks MamaKent what's up with Dad. She says he's been acting strange since he got home. Bo responds to that by pulling a beer from the fridge and asking whether Clark wants to watch a football game. He's wearing a wife-beater shirt under his usual flannel. Bo taps the beer bottle cap off the side of a table, spilling foam everywhere. He asks Clark whether he can take up the slack on those pesky chores. MamaKent looks shocked. Bo wipes off the beer foam with one of the ugly curtains. "Jonathan!" MamaKent cries. She tosses him a dishtowel. Clark says it's good that the hero thing didn't go to his head. Bo lifts up his beer and smiles slyly. I love this Bo. Can we keep him? Suddenly, Lex appears, hovering at the screen door. He says he hopes he's not interrupting. MamaKent smiles and invites him in. "What do you want?" Bo asks, getting right in Lex's face. Lex asks about the accident and says he came to see if Bo was hurt. "No, you didn't," Bo says, saying that Lex just wanted to see if Bo was going to sue. Bo starts railing on Lex, and in one funny moment yells at MamaKent when she tries to interrupt, saying, "No, it's not enough, Martha!" I love it when stuff almost sounds like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? dialogue. Bo does a bit about not liking Lex, or Lionel, "or [Lex's] friendship with [Bo Duke's] son." The HoYay! finally comes out. Bo takes a sip of beer. Clark comes to stop him, but Bo throws his hand off. Bo burps right in Lex's face. Classic. This is the best Bo ever. Lex looks disgusted even though he's starring in Sorority Boys this week and has no right to pretend a burp is gross. "I think I'll take a nap," Bo says, and staggers off. "Hubba hubba," he says quietly as he passes MamaKent. Damn, where da Emmy at? MamaKent goes after him. Lex and Clark just stand there.
Smallville High. Pete can't believe what happened. He makes comments about the beer and the "counter-macking." Pete is like a little recap within a recap. Clark says that he's worried his dad has finally cracked over all his stress. First the alien son, then the dead cows. When does all the weirdness end? Pete says he likes the part where Bo dissed Lex. Clark asks what Pete has against Lex. Yeah, same damn question I had last week. It only took fifteen episodes to get to this conversation, huh? Where's Pete's mouth been all this time? Pete says Lex screwed his family out of their creamed-corn factory twelve years before. Oh yeah, "Creamed Corn Capital of the World." I thought Pete's dad was a lawyer, not a corn man. Clark points out that it was twelve years ago and that it was Lex's dad who did the screwing. Clark asks why Pete didn't say anything before. Damn skippy. Pete says he was hoping Clark would see through Lex sooner. He miscalculated in that Clark only got to see through Lex's clothes.
“ Chloe tells Clark that there are other girls who don't require crossing an emotional minefield to be with. She might as well be wearing a big sign that says, 'Take me for a test drive!' ”
Chloe walks up suddenly and asks them both what their deepest desire is. It's a poll she's conducting to get closer in touch with the pulse of the student body. I think the student body needs angioplasty. Pete says he'd like a make-out session with a girl who's walking by now. It's a girl who looks a little like the lead singer from Elastica, but prettier. She walks by and gives Pete a glance. He heads over to get his Petey Mack on. Chloe complains that all her answers have been sex- or violence-related. "That's human nature, Chloe," Pete says before he goes. Clark asks Chloe if she knows that Pete doesn't like Lex. Chloe knows and says that Pete is jealous of their friendship. Again: fifteen episodes. Time has not been kind to this revelation. Lana walks up and sucks the energy, air, and hydrogen molecules from the scene in her little pansy pink top. She gets asked the desire question. She says she'd want to climb to the top of a windmill where you can see Metropolis in the distance. Chloe and Clark are surprised about her deepest desire. Clark wishes it were leather. Lana, embarrassed, says she can make something up. Chloe goes with it, saying it's nice to unleash the inner Lana. Yeah, get through a few geological layers of makeup and maybe you'll find her. Chloe gives Lana big pity eyes. Lana walks off. Chloe says Clark's desire is up. He stares after Lana, and it's all obvious. Chloe's hair is really frizzy at the ends this week. Get those split ends taken care of, dear. Clark bitches about having to stay away from Lana because of the whole Jocko-Whitney-Dad thing. Chloe says that there are other girls who don't require crossing an emotional minefield to be with. She might as well be wearing a big sign that says, "Take me for a test drive!" Clark says he can't turn off his feelings for Lana. Chloe tells him, snippily, that he can stay in his loft and play with his telescope or move on. Telescope! Ha! Chloe is a damn genius. The phallic joke is king! Chloe walks off. Clark looks on after her, conflicted.
Bo the Slob piles down the stairs, whistling. He comes up behind a smiling MamaKent and asks if she'd like to go up to the hayloft for a little fun. Then he starts groping her ass. You know, Bo (the actor, not the character) looks like he's having a little too much fun here. MamaKent declines and says that she has to go get some work done. Those platitudes aren't going to raise themselves. She suggests that Bo call Lex and apologize. He gets mad and says he was only telling Lex the truth about his feelings. He smiles. MamaKent says he's taking this honesty thing too far. Bo says he feels free. He takes MamaKent's hand and kisses it. She feels his head and says he's burning up with fever. She moves to leave, and says she'll make soup when she returns. "I know a much better way to break a fever," Gropey Bo says while pawing her again. She escapes his clutches and looks back after him, all scared. Bo slams the screen door and scoffs. As Bo is stewing, the phone behind him rings. The answering machine picks up with a cheery "this is the Kents, leave a message!" No alien boy living here! It's Jim Alexander on the phone (but is he a FABulous Alexander?) from the bank. Jim says, "I'm gonna be straight with you." Well that'll be a first on this show. He tells Bo, via the machine, that they're going to turn down Bo's loan. Bo angrily picks up the phone. He tells poor Jim that all he's ever done is give to the community, and all he's ever gotten is screwed over. Jim probably wants to keep it very straight right about now. Bo says he's going to come down to the bank so that Jim can turn him down to his face: "That way I can see if you still have a pair, or whether your wife keeps them in a drawer, too!" What the hell does that mean? Jim! Keep it straight when Bo comes down to look at your pair! Bo takes the phone and whacks it against the wall, breaking it apart. Then he looks very satisfied and nods to himself, as if in agreement.
“ Lana finds the big yellow flower. It rises up to meet her preternatural face. Sensing something as foreign to nature as itself, the flower rears back and spits at Lana. ”
Downtown Smallville. The Blue Bo Truck is skidding along, almost crashing into any car that passes its way. Clark, who happens to be there, sees the truck. Bo is yelling at all the "jerks" on the sidewalk and his driver's-side door is swinging open dangerously. Clark makes a scrunchy Lana face.
Outside the bank, Bo gets out of the truck. Boy, is he pissed. Clark comes down the alley and superspeeds right in front of him. "Dad, what are you doing?" Bo is carrying a shotgun. A straight shotgun. Bo says that the town has pushed him too far, and that he's pushing back. It's gonna be a dog day afternoon, isn't it? Clark tries to stop Bo, but Bo cocks his shotgun and tells his son to get out of the way. Clark grabs the tip of the gun and swings it around in slow motion. The gun goes off, shooting Clark right in the chest. Damn, Bo. Sucks to be you right now. Clark takes a step back. Bo, red-nosed, looks scared. Bo blinks. Looks up at the sky. Everything is fuzzy and blurred, like it was manipulated in PhotoShop by some zealous racetrack brochure designer. Bo looks woozy. Everything whites out and he falls to the blacktop. "Dad! Dad!" Clark says to him.
The hospital. The doctor tells MamaKent and Clark that Bo has suffered an anaphylactic shock. Is that like when somebody does the hand buzzer trick on you? The doctor says that what Bo has would be unusual except that somebody came in with the same symptoms: James "Road Rage" Beales. And guess what? Beales just slipped into a coma. MamaKent starts to cry. Clark hugs her.
Outside at night on a back road. It's misty. Chloe and Lana get out of a sweet '50s-looking car, and suddenly, they're the two leads in Mulholland Falls with less cleavage and, in Lana's case, acting chops. Chloe explains to Lana (didn't she know before they went?) that they're there to find out what happened when Bo Duke met Road Rage Man. Sleuthing. Flashlights. Boredom. Serious music plays. Chloe takes photos. Lana finds the hula doll. She doesn't even seem happy to see it. Then Lana finds the big yellow flower. It rises up to meet her preternatural face. Sensing something as foreign to nature as itself, the flower rears back and spits at Lana. She covers her face. Instead of telling Chloe, Lana merely shows her the hula doll. As they leave, the flower has pressed itself flat on the ground again. Before they get in the car, Lana does a little turn and sneeze. Fakest sneeze ever. In the car, Lana sneezes again. "Gesundheit," Chloe tells her. You're welcome. Why not have some commercials?
The lab of Dr. Joe "Hamilton" Morton, bastard scientist we love to hate. He's got a bunch of those weird flowers growing in big glass chambers, as if they're aliens from Independence Day. Lex good-naturedly tells Hamilton that the good doctor hasn't been honest with him. Hamilton says it's all under control. Lex, who has heard the news of Bo's collapse, says that having two men in the hospital with an unknown condition ain't "under control." Word. Lex pulls out a paperback and says he's been doing his own research. Into romance novels? It's actually The Nicodemus Diaries, a tome that tells the sad tale of two hundred settlers dying overnight because of a strange plant. Aw, it's probably just a coincidence. Lex reads from the book, which refers to the bastard flower as a "thief in the temple" that changes people's personalities. Does Prince know about this flower? Love better come quick. Love better come in a hurry. Hamilton dismisses Lex's reading as folklore. Lex leans in against the glass of one of the flowers, mouth hanging open a little. "Pretty," he thinks. Lex moves to lift the cover of the flower and Hamilton stops him. Lex asks why Hamilton brought it back. He says that while the flower's dangerous, some believe it has other applications. You know, like a flower that comes with Quicken or Microsoft Word. Lex is pissed: he only wants to know about meteors. Hamilton says that this is something the meteors can do. Lex says that if Bo Duke dies, Hamilton is going to lose something a lot more valuable than his tenure. Clue: there are two of them and they hang down low when it's hot. Lex tells Hamilton to pack up a flower (awwww) so that he can have his scientists in Metropolis find a cure for Bo. Hey, Lex. You can't cure hick. After Lex leaves, Hamilton puts his finger against the glass. The red/orange flower leans toward the finger, just like in Little Shop of Horrors.
“ Lana says she's not keeping her feelings inside anymore. Oh, what, she's going to tell us the deep dark secret of her parents' death that she's been holding inside all season? ”
School. Jocko Whitney is at the water fountain. His hair looks all Kansas-boy. No more CuteDean flop to it. He looks up just in time to watch Lana burst through a set of doors to her own music by Nelly Furtado. "I got what you need," Nelly sings as Lana walks along, in a really tight, short black outfit. Her hair is out and her makeup looks halfway normal. In short, Lana has become an ber-hottie. And she walks in slow motion, always the sign of an attractive girl on a WB show. Jocko, who for a moment looks like Macaulay Culkin, smiles. As Lana walks, everybody in the hall stops to look at her. What, they don't have any sluts? At a Kansas high school in a town where there's nothing to do? I find that highly suspect. "Wow. What's the occasion?" Jocko asks. Lana does a circle around him as the camera circles the other way. It's sexy, right? The WB wants to make sure it's The Sexy. Circling cameras are very The Sexy. Lana's idea of sexy is to close her eyes as she talks. She puts her hands on Jocko's face and says she wants to blow off class and go make out. Jocko says he can't, and that he's barely keeping up. The one time that Lana is actually interesting, and he's going to blow her off? In the background, Nelly Furtado is speaking in tongues. Jocko says he has to go to the hospital to check on his dad, too. Lana bitches that ever since his dad got sick, Jocko hasn't been any fun. She punctuates this with a finger to his chest. She whispers her dialogue, because The WB told her that whispering is The Sexy. Lana walks off with a The Sexy frown. Jocko chases after her, apologizing. In my brain, I hear En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It." Jocko pulls Lana back and asks what's wrong. She says she's not keeping her feelings inside anymore. Oh, what, she's going to tell us the deep dark secret of her parents' death that she's been holding inside all season? Jocko says that maybe they need to reconsider this relationship. Lana says that maybe he needs to go refamiliarize himself with the concept of self-love. (Maybe she didn't say that. But I sure did.) Lana dumps Jocko. She walks up. It's The Sexy. She spins and touches some Letterman jocko in the face as she goes. Jocko looks mauled over.
Clark is in the offices of The Torch. He's spinning the rotor of a little toy helicopter. We pan up, and Lana, in her little black number, is trying to be The Sexy. Leaning in a doorway is The Sexy, she's been told. Clark turns and stops in mid-sentence. The camera paws all over Lana, panning up the length of her. It's not very far. When we get to her face, we see a little of the actress beneath, looking a little uncomfortable at all that lens scrutiny. Lana spins and asks if Clark likes the new look. Clark says the operative word is "gulp." A slow groove is playing. Nelly Furtado is out in the back of the recording studio putting her snakes away. Lana, eyes half closed under the weight of her eyeshadow, gets close to Clark, leans her big head in, and tells Clark that he can't let things get him down. You know, Dad in a coma? That's not The Sexy. Clark says it's hard not to. Lana whisper/talks that the key is to not think about it, and to let your friends be your friends. Oh, dear lord. It's working. I'm starting to find this conversation...The Sexy. Nooooo! She tells Clark to trust her and let her distract him. "I do trust you, Lana," Clark says. But do you trust her with your pants? "Good," Lana says, and gets up. "Follow me," Lana says, and pulls Clark up by the hand.
“ Lana lifts up her shirt and pulls it over her head. Let's get that body double back in here. Ah, there she is. Either that or it's a very slim man with a push-up bra. ”
The school swimming pool. Somebody has installed pink lights in the pool, and it's vaguely womb-like. A song by Divine Right is playing, talking about sugar and cream and you know that's The Sexy. Lana gets on a diving board and starts unzipping her knee-high leather boots. Borrowed from Nasty Nell? I'm guessing so. As the song, "Supernatural," plays up, Clark starts stuttering that he doesn't think they should be there. Clark isn't familiar with sexual experiences outside of a barn environment. Lana, smiling, swings back onto the diving board, barefooted as the day she was born. "You think too much," she says. Nobody will ever accuse her of that back. She starts to take off a big-ass belt that I'm surprised she can lift. Clark says she doesn't seem like herself. Lana unzips her skirt and drops it. Wait a minute! That's a total body double! We never see shots of Lana's nubile body and face at the same time. Weak. "Or maybe, I'm more me than ever," she answers. "Lana. This is crazy," Clark says, smiling shyly. Man, what a superwuss. Lana talks crap about how she wants life to be crazy. She lifts up her shirt and pulls it over her head. Let's get that body double back in here. Ah, there she is. Either that or it's a very slim man with a push-up bra. Lana's lace bra-chest is visually groped by the camera. Clark is open-mouthed. Ah, The WB. Bringing on The Sexy. Lana turns. Gratuitous body double ass shot. It's hanging out of the panties. "The question is. Do you want what I want?" I can't believe this. Lana is actually acting? Why can't we have her like this every week? That does it. This episode is great, but it's only going to frustrate me when things go back to normal. I wish it were Dysfunctional Character Smallville. Lana's body double does a back flip on the diving board, then another flip into the water. Clark is astounded. Lana emerges from the water, makeup perfect and big '80s hoop earrings about to drown her. "Don't you want to come in, Clark?" she asks. "Uh, er, um, I don't think so," he says. What!? You're not a man, Clark. You're something more and something less. Lana's ass double swims toward Clark. Lana's double emerges. Quick shot to Lana's face. This is so bad. It's like when Leslie Nielsen would emerge from a smoky building and his face was totally clean in the shot in the Naked Gun movies. "I know you want me, Clark," she says, caressing his ear. "Stop holding back." Clark does nothing. "You're not made of steel...or are you?" she asks. You shouldn't have cheese so soon after swimming. They kiss. A lot. Clark breaks the kiss. "Wait," he says. "Aren't you tired of waiting?" Lana smiles and asks if he needs a little help warming up. She tips him into the pool. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Lana hears someone coming and takes off. Wouldn't you know it? It's Principal I Was Once Smooth, But That Was Years Ago. The music is long gone. Clark's busted.
Chloe is in her newspaper office. She exposits the story in case we missed the pool mack-down. She can't believe it. Clark is toweling off. He's got detention. Clark says it was everything he'd wanted to hear, but didn't seem right. Chloe asks why he thinks Lana went "soft-core." Heh. Chloe and Clark try to Scooby out a solution to the town's weirdness based on the truck accident site. Chloe suddenly notices that in one of her digital photos, Dr. Hamilton was hiding in the bushes. Blessedly, he's not trying to please himself. Chloe says she's going to go talk to him. And so she will.
The newly renovated Talon coffee house and schmooze palace. A sign outside reads, "Now Open. Poetry readings Thursdays." Yikes. Lex is on a cell phone. He says that he was just at the hospital and that things are getting worse. Lana strides in purposefully. Obligatory "Lana is freaking out" scene. Lana blows off work (get it? She's usually so responsible!), whistles, and declares that she's closing for the afternoon and that everyone's coffee is on the house. Lex looks up curiously and finishes his cell call. She rubs whipped cream on her fingers and licks it seductively. Can I get you some strawberries to go with that, Kim Basinger? Lex goes to her, leaving his keys on his chair. Is that a whistle on his keychain? Lex tells Lana, who spins around on her stool (and is wearing a tight red, off-the-shoulder-dress -- again, thanks Nell), that she's not impressing anyone with her attitude and that he practically invented adolescent rebellion with a bra, two matchsticks, and a paper clip. Lana smiles, leaning in, and says she heard Lex was a bad boy before he came to town. Lex seems embarrassed. Lana says that Lex only invested in The Talon because she asked him to. She takes her whipped cream and puts some on Lex's upper and lower lip. Yowza. I think all the forum dwellers just fainted. "Was it really about profit?" she asks. Lex licks his lower lip and looks down. She puts her hand on his stomach through his shirt. He takes her hand away and asks if she's feeling all right. Lana goes around Lex and plays with his ear as she says she needs guidance from someone with experience. Is everybody there watching this? "What do you say, boss?" she asks. It's nice being the boss of someone. Lex has a lightbulb moment and suddenly spins on her. He asks where she's been in the last twenty-four hours. She says it's none of his business. Lana gets mad. She asks why he thinks this isn't her. Because she's not doing exactly as she's told? She starts pushing Lex like Elaine on Seinfeld yelling "GET! OUT!" She rants some more and concludes by acknowledging that she's always talking about her dead parents. Lana's parents died? When did this happen? How did I miss that? She throws a cup at Lex (he ducks) and it shatters against the nicely painted wall. She grabs Lex's keys and runs out.
Outside. Lana speeds away in Lex's smooth silver ride. Clark sees her (he's just in the right place at the right time all the time, isn't he?) and gives chase.
Hamilton's green-glowing lab. Shouldn't he have colon cancer by now? Chloe walks in. They know each other from emails, it seems. She asks what he was doing skulking about when she was taking pictures at the truck accident site. He lies and says he was looking for meteor samples. He says he didn't see them, but heard noises that night. He assumed it was Party Kids. Chloe spots The Nicodemus Diaries on his desk. I wish it were The Enrique Diaries. Or even Bridget Jones's Diary. Chloe excuses herself and apologizes for bothering him. When he asks what she was doing at the accident site, she says she was just partying with friends.
“ 'I went to your barn!' Pete yells. Is that code for 'we had sex'? ”
Chloe tells Clark about Dr. Hamilton, the flower, and Pete. ["That's my favourite Monkees album." -- Wing Chun] Clark asks where he went. She says he was going after Lex. Clark takes off, leaving Chloe behind. Commercials.
Lair of Lex. Hamilton is standing as Lex is sitting, and it seems he's found an "herbal antidote" to the Nicodemus flower. So everybody just needs to get high? Helpfully, there are antidote instructions. As they study what looks like one of those calligraphy manuals you get with videogames like Myst, Pete walks in. "Nobody's going anywhere," he says. That sounds like a Lex line. "Pete," Lex says by firelight with a smile. "What are you doing here?" Pete answers that by raising his gun. He fires. Lex dodges, but a vase shatters. Poor little vase. Pete yells that Lex isn't really Clark's friend and that because of Lex, Bo Duke is gonna die. Hamilton steps forward. "I went to your barn!" Pete yells. Is that code for "we had sex"? "He's infected," Lex whispers to Hamilton. Oops. Even worse. Lex says they have the cure. Pete says Lex is a liar, and now he's gonna pay. Hamilton tries to run, but Pete shoots him in the arm. The little calligraphy book flies out of his hand and right into the fireplace. Hamilton sits on the floor and holds his arm. This is just like when Joe Morton got shot in T2! Oh, the memories. Lex slowly says that if the book is destroyed, Bo, Lana, and Pete will all die. "Liar!" Pete yells. He says that Lex doesn't want to help anyone but himself. Or help himself to some Clark.
Pete rages about his jealousy. Hamilton gets up and grabs a fireplace utensil. "Lex, the book," Hamilton calls out. Right. Lex says that if Pete wants to shoot him to go ahead; he's going to the fireplace to get the book. What's the title? The Bonfire of the Vanities? Hamilton takes a whack at Pete's arm, knocking the gun away. Lex goes fire hunting. He throws the book to Hamilton and yells, "Get out!" Pete finds the gun and fires wildly as Hamilton leaves. Poor Joe Morton -- always getting shot at. Pete holds up his firing arm with his other hand and points to gun at our sexy bald anti-hero. "Say goodbye, Lex," Pete says. But no! It's Lex's luvah! "Don't do it!" Clark yells. Pete tells Clark that Lex's dad screwed Pete's dad (gossip!) and that now Lex is trying to screw up Pete and Clark's friendship. He says that the world would be a better place without Lex in it. Perhaps, but this show would suck. Pete also mentions that Hamilton was there. "Is that true?" Clark asks Lex. Lex says that Pete is delusional. And that his pappy never diddled PapaPete. Clark says that Lex was never a true friend and encourages Pete to go apeshit. Clark moves forward. "What are you doing, Clark?" Lex asks. "You can't talk your way out of this one," Clark says. Nope, talking is secondary to The Sexy right now. "This friendship is over," Clark says, grabbing Lex by the lapels and throwing him against the wall. Ow! Pete whoops. "Nice one!" he says. Pete points the gun at Lex. Clark snatches it at superspeed. "How'd you do that?" Pete asks. Clark says not to worry -- he'll get Pete to the hospital. He lightly slaps Pete on the forehead (heh) and Pete goes down for the count. Now that was cool. No special effects necessary. Lex grabs the back of his neck in pain. "Clark, what the hell?" he asks. Funny. Lex asks if the whole bitter Clark thing was an act. Clark says he didn't know what else to do. "Was Hamilton really here?" Clark asks. "What do you think, Clark?" Lex asks. Liar! Liar! Meaningful look exchanged.
“ 'Morning, sleepyhead,' Bo says. Crap. It's the return of The Great Platitudiner. ”
Epilogue: Bo at the hospital. He raises a weak hand as Clark is by the bed, head down. "Morning, sleepyhead," Bo says. Crap. It's the return of The Great Platitudiner. Clark hugs him. "What am I doing here?" Bo asks. "Jonathan!" MamaKent yells. She says that the Metropolis doctors found a cure the night before. An old Native-American remedy. Of course! Why didn't we think of that sooner! Clark asks about Pete and Lana. She says they're already up. Well, where the hell are they, then? Apparently, none of them remembers anything because of the fever. "Trust me, it's better that way," Clark says. Yeah, Smallville writers, just keep repeating that mantra. Lex looks on from the background.
Epilogue the second: Chloe goes to visit Dr. Hamilton's barn. But it's empty. Spooooooky!
Epilogue the second, part B: Hamilton is mad that Lex got rid of his lab. Lex tells him he's lucky nobody died. Hamilton says that he suspects this working relationship is over. Lex says it's not: Hamilton just needs closer supervision. Lex is moving Hamilton to Cadmus Labs, effectively hiding Hamilton. "Remember. You're the one opening Pandora's Box," Hamilton says. "I'm just the key," Lex says. Um, isn't that what Hamilton just said? Lex offers his hand. Hamilton, wary, shakes it.
Epilogue the last. "Open your eyes," Clark says. Lana is in the middle of a Claritin commercial, all blue skies and clear sinuses. "It's Metropolis," Clark says. So how the hell did Clark get her to the top of the windmill without her opening her eyes? Bullshit. Lana sees the Metropolis skyline in the distance. They hem-haw about how high up they are and how it'll be interesting getting down. Yawn. "It's good to have you back, Lana," Clark says. Liar! Lana says she spent the whole day apologizing to everyone. Including her butt double. Lana says she doesn't remember what happened, just that she was out of control. Clark says she was an Alpha Lana. God help us. Lana says she can't believe what she was wearing. Clark says he kinda liked it. U2's "Beautiful Day" starts to play. Lana suddenly looks to Clark and asks if she did anything embarrassing to him. You mean like stripping down and shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass at school? Clark stops a moment, then says no. Plain Jane Lana says, "Good." Sing it with me, folks, that Soul II Soul song: "Back to life, back to reality." Reality sucks. Lana asks Clark how it feels to be on top of the world, or at least Smallville. He stops a minute, then says he feels free. Smiles. Helicopter shot from above as the song plays us out. Bo's blue truck sits to one side. U2, super-patriots, continue to play.
Oh, did you hear? The WB wants you to buy more CDs. But not U2's album. Josh Clayton-Felt, though, is a nice choice.
That's it, kiddies. See you time.