Hero to Zero

S01E14

By Omar G

The long-awaited Club Zero episode. We're goin' clubbin', folks.

Dark, moody opening. We see a bald, puffy face, and for one moment I think we're seeing the lost footage of what happened to Billy Corgan after Sharon Osbourne kicked his ass. The face is definitely ass-kicked, though. Looks like some bruises, and it takes a moment to realize that underneath all that kicked ass is the beauty that is Lex Luthor. It's like he's whispering to us in that extreme Silence of the Lambs close-up, "Look away. Don't look at me like this! I don't want you to see me this way!" The camera spins around as it pans back. Suddenly, Ass-Kicked Lex is upside down. Everything is dark. Lex is sweaty. Does Clark like it rough, or something? We pull back far enough to reveal that Lex, in a pressed white shirt, is suspended in the air and hanging from the ceiling in what looks like a Nine Inch Nails video. "Let me go," he yells/mumbles. Full-on method acting. Yes. A door behind Lex opens, and somebody walks through it. The guy presses some sort of hand switch, and suddenly a bright light is shining in Lex's face. "What do you want from me?" Lex moans. Oh, dear lord! One of the forum posters has finally found Lex! "The truth," Mystery Man answers...well, mysteriously. As the guy says this, we hear the "karma, karma, karma" strains of Lo Fidelity Allstars doing "Battleflag." It's the same song that was playing when Carter and Lucy got stabbed onER. That band is totally playing Austin this week at South by Southwest even as I'm writing this. Spooky, y'all.

We are suddenly in the fabled Club Zero, and...you know, it's not exactly the pit of decadence and in-your-face homoeroticism that we'd hoped. In fact, the first thing we see after some green lights is some bimbo in a bikini top dancing on a platform. What is this, The Grind? "Metropolis. Three years ago," a title card reads at the bottom of the screen. We're suddenly in front of the club, where a throng of people is waiting to get inside. Lex, sporting a sharp leather coat, is accompanying a girl who looks a little like Liv Tyler. A big Samoan-lookin' dude asks Lex for some ID. Lex, who doesn't look at all like he's three years younger, tells the guy he must be new. Another guy -- an even taller bouncer man who is strapping and buff -- tells Bouncy Samoan to let them in. They do so, opening up the velvet rope for the velvet man and his date. Lex thanks his buddy, Kasitch, and hands him a little, tiny, wadded-up piece of cash. Kasitch pockets it in his jacket, and when he does, we see that he's packing heat. The kind with bullets. Metal bullets. My goodness, you're all so dirty. As Lex and Kasitch walk, Kasitch comments on how "cute" the girl is. What man calls a girl "cute" in a club? It's either "hot" or "skanky" or a bunch of other words I won't reveal because I'd be violating the Male Code. Lex tells Kasitch that the girl is engaged. And I don't think he means engaged in an activity.

Pan of the club. Everybody's so...dressed. This is like the dance clubs that they make for the parents at Epcot Center. , they'll be playing A-Ha. Floozies are dancing. Everything's Day-Glo. Lex asks Liv Lite how she likes the club. "It's loud!" she says. She's spectacularly overdressed, too. Meaning not that she's too formal -- she just has too many clothes on. Lex slips Kasitch a $100 bill, which we see in slow motion on a close-up of their hands. Just rub hands, already. This $100 apparently buys Lex and Liv Lite access to a not-very-interesting area upstairs that's in plain sight. Liv Lite thanks Lex for taking her out while her fiancé "Jude" is out of town. Lex thanks her, in return, for keeping him from going out on his lonesome. Lex is destined to be Richard Gere to someone's Julia Roberts in a game of Pretty Woman. Liv Lite giggles that Lex wouldn't have been alone very long. Not when there's a booming escort industry. Lex orders two apple martinis. Oh, how 1999. The girl picks up a matchbook. It says, in sans serif lettering, "Zero consequences." "That's quite a promise," Liv Lite says. But not in a flirty way. Goodness, she's like a grown-up Lana Lang gone to the city and still as boring. They click martini glasses in a toast to her engagement. Then Liv Lite looks past Lex, and we hear some giggling. Oh, that bastard! It's her fiancé, and he's on a couch with two slutty women. Hey, it's Parker Lewis! And when it comes to the ladies, it would seem that he can't lose! Liv Lite goes over and confronts him about his "out-of-town business trip." He tries to explain. She slips off her engagement ring in "Slow-Zoom-Hand-O-Vision." The ring is thrown. She takes off. "You son of a bitch," Parker Lewis says to Lex. Parker tells Lex that he did this on purpose. "You did it to yourself," Lex says. Well, at least he'll get to have two girls do it to him later that night. "[Liv Lite] deserves better," Lex tells him, and then saunters off.

Downstairs. Painted girl rejects from the aborted resurrection of Laugh-In are shaking their booties. Liv Lite is running off. Lex turns her around. Lex himself gets turned around and punched in the face by a pursuing Parker. Punches are being thrown back and forth. Liv looks astonished that anyone would fight in her honor. Kasitch comes by to check on Lex. Parker pulls out a knife and stabs Lex over Kasitch's shoulder. I'm sure there would have been a less awkward way to do that. Lex yells, "Yeaaaaagggghh!" and falls back. Kasitch whips out a gun and shoots Parker right in the chest. As if having his show cancelled way back in the day wasn't enough punishment. Parker drops like a sack of Dharma and Greg ratings. Liv screams. Lex turns. He doesn't even seem upset that he was stabbed. Liv is crying. The music has changed to "God is a D.J." Apparently so, since Parker is about to jump to the flip side of the album. Overhead shot, very strobey, pulling back, of Parker lying dead on the dance floor. Pan up to a set of club stairs where people are still dancing.

Pan/cut to the Dark Room of Lex Bondage. "Liar!" the captor yells at Lex. He insists that despite what was in the papers, that's not what really happened. Lex yells back for the guy to read the police reports. The captor says he doesn't know how Lex covered up the crime, but he knows Lex did it. We finally see the guy's face. "Don't you remember?" he says. "You killed me." It's Parker Lewis, and he's directly addressing the FOX Network now. Parker whips out a gun. "Daddy can't save you this time, Lex," he says. He aims the gun at Lex. We go straight to the opening credits just as we hear the gunshot.

"One Week Earlier" the handy title card tells us. The Crow's Nest. Smallville High. Clark, Chloe, and Pete (The Chloeteark Collective) are walking up the stairs. I swear, this show must have an entire segment of its production budget devoted to making banners for the school. Clark is complaining of hunger after a fifty-minute class. Hey, Clark. I know you're partial to Clark bars and all, but why not try a Snickers? Pete says he lost his appetite over a student profile paper he was assigned. Pete's complaining that, through the random drawing of profile subjects, he was assigned some dude named Stan, head of the student store, instead of one of the twelve lovely ladies in the class. Pete asks Chloe why she's smiling so much. Turns out her interview subject is Clark Kent. Clark is surprised. Pete, in the nicest way possible, says that it's going to be tough for Chloe to write six pages about boring old Clark. I suspect she'll be taking some creative license, especially on the part about her burning thigh sweats regarding Mr. Kent. Chloe says she plans to dig up a skeleton or two. Clark, who has been indirectly responsible for quite a few dead skeletons this season, reminds Chloe that this is a class assignment, not a political scandal. Chloe tells him not to worry. Clark smiles, too, when he reveals that he got Lana as his interview subject. Dear lord. He should do like Jack in The Shining and just write, "All meteors and no anti-gravity make Lana's parents flat indeed" over and over again for six pages. Clark says he's going to interview Lana while helping her at The Talon, which is opening up soon. So we've jumped ahead in time since the last episode. Chloe snarks about Clark doing some gettin'-to-know while Jocko Whitney slaves away at his dad's store. Chloe grabs Clark to make sure she's going to get to interview him. "I'll be around," he says, non-committally. Chloe asks Pete if she just got blown off. "One step forward, two steps back," he says. Damn you, Pete, for making me think of a Paula Abdul song.

The Talon. Nice art-deco-looking sign outside. The marquee reads, "Grand Opening Saturday." Inside, Lana -- in her sensible white oversweater and pink shirt -- is trying to bitch out some contractor about stuff not being ready on time, but he puts her in her place by basically saying, "Shit happens." The guy, who sounds a little shady, tells her, "You resurrect the past, you get the problems that come with it." Even the extras on the show are speaking in proverbs now. Lana invokes Lex Luthor's name, saying he's coming by soon. Contractor Guy smirks at the mention of Lex. He must know about Clark's Secret Luvah, too. Lana turns, and suddenly Parker Lewis is there, grinning. No, Parker Lewis, no! Lana tells him that they're not open yet. Parker says that he's there about an assistant manager position. Lana brings the guy an application and tells him that her "head" isn't taking interviews until the following week. Won't they be open by then? And what's this "head" crap? Is that a swipe at Lex? The fellow introduces himself as Jude Royce. But he's Parker Lewis. He just can't lose that name. Parker Lewis says he knows Lex from back in Metropolis. Lana says, unconvincingly, that it must have been interesting. Parker Lewis says, "Let's just say there's a reason he's in Smallville." How annoying. Parker Lewis is kind of an ass face. Parker tells Lana she should stay away from Lex, and that when Lex gets involved in things, they usually turn out badly. Lana looks scared. Maybe somebody told her that Neutrogena called and they want their free samples back.

Outside. Lex pulls up in his sleek black sports car. Thumping gay club music is playing loudly on his stereo as he gets out. Lex chirps his car alarm and suddenly, a dark hand is on his shoulder. We recognize the gaudy ring as that of good old Kasitch. Kasitch is sporting a goatee, and for one happy moment, I believe he's going to be like the Keith character from Six Feet Under. Lex tells Kasitch that they're not supposed to see each other anymore since "the incident." Did the incident involve tequila? Kasitch says that he's seen "him." Lex asks who "him" is. "Jude!" says Kasitch. Lex says that's impossible. Kasitch freaks out. The guy's following him. "He's stalking me!" Kasitch says. Poor, bad, love gone wrong. Lex all but calls Kasitch crazy, then asks what "Jude" wanted. "The truth," Kasitch says. Oh, he wanted statistics on how many people the tobacco industry kills every year? Lex suddenly sees Clark ambling down the street. He tells Kasitch that he has a secure apartment in the city. He hands Kasitch a key, completely failing to tell him where the hell this apartment is. I'm thinking Kasitch isn't long for this world. "Wait for my call," Lex says. Kasitch nods, and walks off, in god knows what direction because he can't know where to go. Clark greets Lex. "Hey, Lex. Who was that?" Clark asks. "Nobody," Lex says. Liar, liar pants on fire. Oh wait. They already were.

Lex and Clark walk into The Talon, where they find Lana looking all spooked. I think she may have dropped a line or something. "I hear we sprung a leak," Lex says. Dirty boy. Lana tells them she's weirded out by Lex's friend. She explains about Parker Lewis. When Lana tells Lex what the guy said his name was, the freaky music of discovery plays. Lex looks a little weirded out himself. Just to belabor the point, we zoom in on "Jude Royce" written on the Talon job application. "What is it, Lex?" Clark asks. "When did he leave?" Lex whispers to Lana. Lex walks out, application in hand, hoping to find out whatever happened to Parker Lewis.

Outside again. Lex looks around. No Parker to be found. "Lex! Who's Jude Royce?" Clark asks. Damn, Clark, why you trippin'? Lex says he has no idea who Lana met, but it wasn't Jude. Lex tells Clark not to worry his pretty little cornfed face about it. He gets into his car. Lex turns the ignition, but instead of the car blowing up, it just plays the gay club music very loud, but with someone yelling, "Killer! Killer! Killer! Murderer!" in the background. It's like a hit by the gay mafia. Lex can't turn the sound off. Clark yells at Lex. Lex lowers his window and says he doesn't know what's going on. Clark uses his x-ray vision to spot a portable CD player under the dash. Clark directs Lex to it and he takes it out from under. Lex rips it out. Purple Discman. Nice use of purple. A crowd has gathered. Things aren't looking good for Lex. Clark asks some questions, but Lex tells Clark to mind his own beeswax. He drives off.

Kent kitchen. Clark walks in. "Hey! Pull up a microphone, son!" It's the jocular wit of one Bo Duke, Superfather. He's at the kitchen table with Chloe and MamaKent. Clark asks what's up. Chloe says that since she couldn't find Clark all day, she decided to start with the 'rents. It's daytime, but there's not much light except for what's coming through the blinds, so it's still like an interrogation. MamaKent says that Chloe's been asking some "interesting" questions. Chloe thanks her and turns her tape recorder back on. She asks what was involved in Clark's adoption. Interplanetary travel? The destruction of a home planet? Mass chaos and fire from the sky? You know, the usual stuff. Bo plays it off, saying it was just a normal adoption. On Pluto. Chloe asks how long it took, whether they used a lawyer or an agent or...oops, she runs out of tape as Bo and MamaKent look like JonBenet's parents, caught in the deer-hitting headlights. Chloe runs out to her car to get more tapes. Clark just stands there. MamaKent confronts Clark about this, like the class assignment was his fault. Clark asks them if there's something he should know about his "adoption." He stops just short of using air quotes. Bo lies his ass off and says that things were more complicated than just making up a story. MamaKent says they don't want anyone in their bidness. Chloe tells Clark that now that he's spinning in her orbit, she's got some "pertinents" for him, too. Chloe uses almost as much slang as I do, y'all. Clark excuses himself to go write his own paper. Chloe asks if Clark is avoiding her. Everyone looks startled. "Tomorrow. I promise," Clark finally says. Chloe, with the light spilling right on her eyes, turns and asks the Kents if their son has always been this strange. Wonk, wonk, wonk. MamaKent pushes her head forward and purses her lips to suck the life out of Chloe's questions. Bo just looks like Bo.

Clark and Lana walking along at night. Clark asks her how it feels to single-handedly bring the Talon back from the brink of destruction. That's it, Mike Wallace. Ask the tough questions. Lana says it's great to have responsibility. Now if she could just add some acting skills to the equation...that would be making a positive change. Lana says she finally feels like she's shedding that princess fairy costume. You know, the one she was wearing when her parents were turned into sidewalk putty? Oh, wait, you didn't hear? You see, Lana's parents? They were killed. By a meteor. When she had on the costume. It's still very painful. We should probably move on. We don't want to upset Lana by bringing it up again to her. Lex pulls up in his sweet ride, and I swear the closed captioning reads that the song playing should say, "We were sisters, but that was too far. And tonight we'll be together." It's officially the gayest car stereo in the United States. Lana asks Lex what he's doing there. Lex says that a contractor called him and said he had an estimate ready. In the middle of the night? No one gives it a second thought. They all go inside The Talon.

Inside. There's crazy bluish-green light, and the contractor is on the floor, moaning. Contractor Man gets up and says he came in the back way; then somebody jumped him and forced his or her way inside. (The Talon.) Then he got hit on the head. "Did you see his face?" Clark asks. The guy wipes blood from his head. "No," he answers. On the counter is an ornately wrapped gift box. Lana says it wasn't there before. She goes to call the police. The gift has "Lex Luthor" on it, written in cursive. "Your name's on it," Clark tells Lex. "The gift?" Lex thinks. "No, on my heart," Clark shoots back, telepathically. Lex opens the card. It has the "Zero Consequences" logo on a very nicely made card. Go, Kinko's. Despite the love, Clark lets Lex open up the package even without using his x-ray vision to make sure it's not a bomb. Lex looks into the box and quickly looks away. Clark leans in. It's a human hand! Somewhere out there, David Lynch just had an orgasm. And the "K" ring lets us know that it's the hand of Kasitch. Aw, poor Kasitch. We hardly knew him. Lex doesn't look too happy about this.

Back at The Talon, the police have arrived. Clark sits to Lana, because since she wasn't in the room at the time of the hand revelation, of course she needs comforting. Even if you added up all the vineyards in France, you still wouldn't find as much whine as you do within Lana. Lana makes a lame joke about "It" showing up. Clark says that he's never seen Lex so freaked out before. Cut to a shot of Lex nervously talking to a diminutive copper. Lana tells Clark that she was told everything Lex touches turns out badly. Clark momentarily checks his package to make sure everything is still intact. Lex comes over and apologizes to Clark and Lana for the whole severed-hand thing. He tells Lana it won't affect the grand opening. Lana complains that they'll be infamous before they open the doors. Yeah, and nobody's talking about the crazy, lethargic girl who lost her parents to a bad-tempered meteor, right? Lana walks off. Lex expels some annoyed air. There's a long silence between Clark and Lex. Clark asks if Lex knows the owner of the hand. Lex tells him it was Max Kasitch. Clark asks if Lex knows who might have done it. "Not at all," Lex lies, not looking at Clark. "What about your old friend, Jude Royce?" Clark asks. Lex tells Clark that Jude's been dead for three years.

Smallville High. Crap rock music. Inside the school, Chloe says she's desperate. Oh, I could go a mile with that comment. But, no, she's desperate for dirt on Clark, and she's pumping Pete for info. She says that the most interesting thing she's learned from the Kents is that Clark hates peas. Ha! Pete tells Chloe that the severed-hand thing is a much bigger deal than Clark. "You know what the Luthors did to my family," Pete tells her. Wow, no wonder we never see Pete and Lex in the same scene together. How have we managed to avoid covering that tension thus far? Come on, producers and writers! Let's have us a Pete/Lex throwdown! Chloe tries to get the conversation back on Clark. Pete says that in a world full of designer water, Clark is straight from the tap. Beware: your friends probably talk about you like this as well. It's a sad truth of the world. Chloe says she just needs one tiny detail from Clark's "deep, dark past." Pete remembers something from the first grade. Clark stuck up for Pete when a bully was picking on him.

Inside the offices of The Torch, Clark is printing out a newspaper page about the Club Zero murder. Pete is still telling the bully story. He concludes that Clark didn't just push the bully -- he pushed him through a door. Pete says he still doesn't know how that happened. Clark, with a little row of strange fence-looking bangs, says that when they were six years old, twice their size was only three feet tall. Nice sidestep, Clark. Pete tells Chloe that she should ask Clark directly about his past. Pete then takes off to go interview the school-store guy. Chloe tells Clark that since he's been an "obstructionist," she's had to collect info about him on her own. She whips out a green folder full of Clark Dirt. Any incriminating photos there? Chloe says that one strange thing about Clark is that his adoption was handled by an agency that was only in business for six months, and that Clark was their only handled adoption. "I can't believe you did this, Chloe," Clark says angrily. Chloe's smile fades. "You didn't know?" she asks. Chloe asks if he isn't interested in this. "Why would I be?" Clark asks, his voice shaking a little. "My biological parents are either dead or didn't want me." Clark continues the tirade, telling Chloe that he only spent an hour with Lana. Chloe says she was just being thorough. "I'm not some mystery for you to solve," Clark finally says, and bolts like a steel girder. Chloe calls after him. To no avail.

Lex is in a gym. He's punching a huge bag. No, I don't mean Bill O' Reilly. It's a real punching bag. I'm guessing it's in his home. A shadowy figure goes up to Lex and, in a thick, lugubrious voice, tells him that Kasitch never made it to the apartment. Well, of course not. Lex never told him where it was. Lex asks about Parker Lewis. The shadowy man says that Parker Lewis was an only child, and that his parents died when he was young. Wouldn't Lex have known that already? Lex asks about Liv Lite. "She moved. Left no forwarding address," the shadow man says, and suddenly...hey! I think it's Enrique the Manservent! Oh, wait, it's not. Damn. "When's the last time you spoke to her?" Not-Enrique asks. What a cough syrup voice he has. "About three years ago," Lex says. He's still punching that bag. The guy wants to know what's going on. Lex reminds his bodyguard that he's Lex's head of security. "You find her and warn her," Lex says. Lex says that's all he needs to know. Not-Enrique leaves. Lex moves around the bag and punches it hard.

Nice transition side slide to a scene at Club Zero. Liv Lite is kneeling to the dead carcass of Parker Lewis. She's crying. She looks up to Lex. Lex looks a little sad. A police officer loudly makes his way through the crowd. Hey! It's MeanCop from "Rogue"! Well, he's still a bastard, and this is the much-referenced incident where he and Lex took care of that nasty stab wound. (Only it doesn't seem so nasty here.) MeanCop waves his badge right in Kasitch's face and asks if he's what passes for security "in this zoo." Um, yes. "Don't go anywhere. We'll talk," MeanCop says. MeanCop goes up to Lex, who recognizes him. Lex thanks god for MeanCop. MeanCop asks Lex to tell him everything that happened. Liv Lite is still crying. "What went down?" MeanCop asks.

We flash back to the scene earlier as Lex is stabbed. This time, Lex and Kasitch struggle with the gun and it goes off, shooting Parker Lewis. We hear a scream.

Flashback to Lex and MeanCop. "That's exactly what happened?" the crooked policeman asks. Lex nods. "Good," MeanCop says. MeanCop tells Lex that Lex was never at the club (despite there being, like, a thousand potential witnesses), and that his name will not appear in newspapers or in any police report. "That's what your daddy's money's for," MeanCop says when Lex tries to thank him. Lex asks about Liv Lite. MeanCop tells him that he'll take care of everyone's story, but Lex can't ever see or talk to her again. Why the hell not? MeanCop gives Lex the number for a guy to fix his shoulder. Dr. Feelgood! Sadly, we never see his strung-out ass in this episode. Lex is told to leave. He stops for a poignant look over to the still-crying Liv Lite. Some spoken-word dance music is playing. MeanCop goes over to Kasitch and asks if he saw what happened. "Most of it," Kasitch says. "Well, smile. You're about to come into some serious money," MeanCop tells him.

Sideways transition back to Lex and the punching bag. A gun pops into frame from the right, right into the back of Lex's neck. Lex turns slowly, sweating. It's Parker Lewis, looking awful, despite a huge grin. "Nothing to say?" he asks. Lex starts to call the guy a crazy bastard, but Parker says he wants to know what happened at Club Zero. "The cover-up!" he yells in Lex's face. Parker puts the gun under Lex's chin and starts stroking Lex's face with his gloved hand as he looks at him adoringly. It is, at long last, the Gayest Look of the Episode. Parker notes that the cop from Club Zero is now dead. He says he finds it interesting that Lex was involved with that, too. Lex asks why Parker won't kill him now. "Because...it's more fun to watch you suffer," he says, as if it's obvious. He goes, "Bang!" with the gun pointed to Lex's temple. Lex flinches.

Outside, Clark is walking along outside the Lex estate. No fruit or flowers to deliver, Clark? Guess he's just delivering a big can of Clark to Lex Luthor. As Clark is about to open a door, he hears, "Tell me," then a click, and then we're back inside and we hear Parker say, "...what really happened." Clark whips open the door and runs in. "Clex!" he yells. Just like that with a "C" at the beginning. Whoah. That was weird. Lex looks around, panting. Parker is gone. "Lex, are you all right?" Clark asks. It took him, like, three days just to get inside the room. Lex, sweaty, asks Clark what he's doing there. Clark, holding a paper, says that the office told him Lex was there. Clark asks Lex who was there with him. Hey! Jealousy! Lex says it was nobody. Clark doesn't probe. (Yet.) He says he found out who Kasitch is, and what happened at Club Zero. Nice, hypocrite. Clark says that everybody fits into this except Lex. "What's going on?" he asks. Lex, bending over as he sits on a bench, says, "For our friendship, I'm asking you to stay out of this." That was a lot nicer than Clark treated Chloe. Lex takes a sip of water from a white plastic bottle. He grimaces. Yep, I miss the Ty Nant bottles, too.

Kent Farm. Bo and Duke are having a sunset moment. "The cows aren't gonna feed themselves!" Bo announces as Clark walks up. If only platitudes were edible. They'd have the fattest cows in the land. Bo looks at Clark and asks if he had a late night. Bo blames the severed hand incident on Lana getting into business with Lex Luthor. Clark points out that if it weren't for Lex, there's be no Talon. Clark says that the past is the past and that the best we can do is look to the future. "All right, you got me," Bo says. It's one of the few Platitude Staring Contests he's ever lost. Bo asks about Chloe's story, and apologizes for the whole peas thing. Heh. Recurring slights are funny. Clark asks about that phony baloney adoption agency, "Metropolis United Charities." Bo, against a cloudy sky that at least looks real this time, tells Clark they had to go outside the normal channels to do the adoption. Clark asks if it was legal. Oh man, I wish it wasn't and that Clark had to go live in Mexico. Bo says it was, but that it required higher access than Bo or MamaKent had. "Access"? To what, a laser? Bo goes cryptic and says that it's a long road from Clark's space cruiser to his birth certificate. Thank you, Bo. You've proven invaluable in your lack of information. Bo suddenly cocks his head. He asks if Clark hears that. Hears what? Nothing. There's a whole herd of cows over the hill and no sound. They rush over. We pan up and it's a mass cow suicide! The cows drank the Kool-Aid-tinted grasswater! They're all lying down, dead! I wish we went straight from this to a Burger King commercial. No such luck.

Yes. We get it. You were clever enough to put a Superman reference in the Spider-Man trailer. Now quit showing it all the time.

Annoying, "this is what happened so far on Smallville" teaser during the commercials. Don't pander to the latecomers, WB. Although the return of Lex in prominent bondage positions is not unappreciated.

A siren in the distance. We've zoomed in on a puddle of black, purple gold. I so want to hear the Beverly Hillbillies theme here. In fact, why don't we just make one up?

Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Bo
A poor platituder, with a voice 'a steady low,
And then one day, he was shootin' off his mouth
And all through his cows, entrails was 'a goin' South.
Waste, that is. Luthor gold. Kansas pee.

All right, enough of that. A big purple/black puddle is flanked by some black steel barrels bearing the LuthorCorp logo. A bunch of folks in yellow biohazard suits are walking around looking purposeful. There are dead cows in the background. MamaKent is comforting Bo, who looks wet and worn and like he's been crying for hours. No more...fresh...squeezed...milk. Bo is udderly devastated. Chloe in her brown pimp coat is snapping pictures with her digital camera. It's for DeadCowPorn.com. Lex drives up in a vehicle that looks like a stainless steel Humvee, and bears the LuthorCorp logo. It looks suspiciously like a reversed Enron logo. Lex gets out to greet a surprised-looking Clark. Bo looks too upset even to get angry at Lex when he sees him. Chloe uncharacteristically says she's going to go shoot pictures elsewhere. Doesn't she want to be there for the fireworks? There's an awkward dead cow look between Clark and Lex. A little lambskin between buddies is one thing, but dead cattle is something altogether different. Lex goes up to MamaKent and Bo, trying to explain and saying he has no idea what happened. MamaKent looks like she's going to cry now. Lex offers to, of course, pay for the livestock. Bo is offended. He says that Lex tries to sprinkle money on problems to make them go away. Can you really sprinkle money? Bo angrily pushes past Lex. Lex lifts up his hands in defeat. He leans against a wood rail to collect himself. Instead of going to comfort the grieving Bo, Clark comes over to Lex. Lex says he didn't think he could fall any further in Bo's eyes, but now he has. In the background, it looks like Bo is talking happily to a cop. Clark flatly asks whether the cow thing has anything to do with Club Zero. Lex says he thinks so. Clark tells Lex to tell the authorities. "This isn't just about you anymore," Clark says. Clark walks off. A police officer comes up and tells that Lex somebody is there to talk to him.

Lex walks over to where a van is parked. Parker Lewis, wearing shades and a "CEP" cap, tells Lex that this is a bad situation, environmentally speaking. Tinkly music is playing. Lex moves to leave. Parker stops him with an electric stun gun. Lex appears to fall right into the side door of the van, which is damned impossible given the angle of the stunning. But who am I? Not a Physics major or anything. What do I know? Van door closes.

Dark skies over the Kent Farm. Clark is on the phone trying to reach Lex, but he keeps getting someone who is not as magnificent as Lex. "Well, tell him I called," Clark says. Clark has tried Lex at the office, the mansion, and on his cell phone, he tells MamaKent. Jeez, can he be any more obsessive? MamaKent, I think it's time you told your son about the dangers of loving a rich, fickle man. Not that she'd know anything about that, but still. MamaKent says that Bo is out supervising the cow removal. Clark says that Lex will pay for that. MamaKent counters that it's not just about money. It's about it being a possible health hazard. And Bo doesn't have anyone to yell at in the fields now that the cows are gone. Clark says it's not Lex's fault, and that it's all a set-up. Keep dreaming, buttercup. Clark shows MamaKent the Club Zero newspaper printout. MamaKent advises Clark not to hang out with Lex. Clark sticks up for Lex, and MamaKent points out that Lex's past is a little "shady." She says she grew up in Metropolis and knows the Luthor world. Uh oh. I smell a long-buried secret. "Body parts in boxes and poisoned cows...this isn't normal!" MamaKent says. Great, great line. Clark asks if she wants him to cut Lex out of his life. She tells him to "cool it down." Oh, yikes. We just went from subtext to bold-faced, 72-point text. Clark doesn't seem convinced.

The Fortress of Barnitude. Chloe walks in. Still pimpin'. She asks Clark if she can talk to him for a second. He doesn't say anything. She asks how he's doing. "That depends if it's on the record or not," he says. Damn, Clark. Quit being a bitch already. Chloe says she deserved that, and apologizes. Clark says she was just being a journalist. Chloe apologizes again, saying she'd much rather have a friend than a "subject." I'm a journalist, and we don't go around performing autopsies. They're called "sources," Chloe. Not "subjects." Clark accepts her apology. Chloe asks if she can ask something. Clark gives her a look. Chloe smiles, big-toothed, and says that it's off the record. She asks whether Clark ever wonders about his biological parents. "Every day of my life," he says. Chloe finds some Club Zero clippings lying around. She asks about the incident. Clark says it's something Lex asked him to stay out of. Chloe hands Clark some photo printouts from the cow incident. There's a close-up picture of Parker Lewis. "It's the same guy," Clark says, holding the picture to one of the newspaper clippings. How did Parker let himself get photographed like that? And why didn't Chloe see what was happening to Lex? And what's that huge gaping plot logic vortex opening up above Clark! Noooooo! It's sucking up everything! Sweet, black nothingness!

Finally. More bondaged-up Lex. He's tied up in straps in a straitjacket. Hey, if he were in black, he could be Batman! Heh. Because he's hanging upside down and...bats hang upside down and...er...Moving on. "Help! Somebody!" Lex calls. Oh, just sing the song already, Lex. "Somebody saaaaaaaaave me!" You know you want to. Lex starts to swing and jolt like he's Harry Houdini, but less wet and dead. More yelling from Lex.

The Torch office. Clark still can't reach Lex by phone. Chloe has figured out that the van belonged to a guy from Metropolis named "John Smith" who doesn't work for the CEP. Chloe tries to connect it to her former nosiness, making it seem like a good thing. Clark tells her to call Metropolis PD and tell them to go to the address she looked up. What makes him think that it's not a bogus address? "I think Lex is in serious trouble," Clark says, and heads out.

The Dungeon of Bondagetude. Parker Lewis walks in, definitely worse for wear since his eponymous show. "You ready to talk?" he asks. "What do you want from me?" Lex asks. "The truth about Club Zero," Parker tells him.

Sirens. Crowd. A body in a bag is pulled out of a shady-looking building. Clark runs up. Did he run all the way from Smallville? Clark uses his x-ray vision and sees that the body on the stretcher is minus a hand. Oh, poor Kasitch. Such indignities you suffer in this episode. Clark, who has spattered sweat beads on his shirt, asks an officer if he saw anybody else in the building. The officer shakes his head "no." Of course. You tell total strangers details about a police investigation. Surely. Clark asks where he can find Club Zero. The officer tells Clark he's six months and about twelve hours too late. It's the middle of the day, Clark. The place closed down, the policeman says. Clark walks off.

"Liar!" we hear. It's Parker Lewis, and he's lost it. He's yelling at Lex, who is grimacing mightily, perhaps from the vertigo. Parker spins him around like a record, and points the gun at Lex again. "Don't you remember? You killed me," Parker says, and we're right back where we started. Parker points the gun at Lex. "Daddy can't save you this time, Lex," he says. We watch Lex struggle. Gunshot goes off. Body falls. But Lex wasn't shot. Instead, Parker is the recipient of the honorary Villain of the Week Tidy Ending Bullet. Hey, it's Contractor Guy! He pushes a button, and suddenly the whole place is Club Zero. Sweet, now maybe we can see Lex shake his groove buttocks. "No more games, Lex. It's time for the truth," Contractor Guy says. We go to commercial.

Lex is swinging, but not in a way we'd like to see. He's still tied up to the ceiling. Contractor Guy shoots a chain, and Lex falls to the floor. "I know you," Lex says, correctly identifying the contractor who will now never get a competitive bid in for any Lex home renovation projects. Contractor Guy says that's his day job. He kicks Lex hard in the chest. Contractor Guy says he was Liv Lite's jailbird brother, and that she was his only lifeline in jail. This would all be a lot better if we'd known even a single thing about Liv going into this. Lex asks what Contractor Guy wants. He punches Lex in the stomach and repeats the question a few times. He says he wants revenge for his sister. Lex asks where she is. Contractor Guy says, "She's dead, Lex. She committed suicide a year ago." Again, we don't know enough about Liv to give a damn, really. Contractor Guy says that Lex didn't know because he cut her out of his life. Contractor Guy says she was never the same after Club Zero. He tells Lex that when the love of her life died, she had nothing to live for. Lex asks about Parker Lewis. Okay, are you ready for some lameness? Contractor Guy says that a few weeks after Liv Lite's funeral, he spotted a guy who looked just like Parker Lewis as a fry cook in a greasy spoon. He says that everyone has a double in the world. So how did you get him to wield a gun and look all evil and all that? This explanation? Suck-o, folks. He says the guy needed the money, and since Lex ruined Liv's life, he'd ruin Lex's. So why did he kill the guy, then? This makes no damned sense. I'm sorry, Lex. Your Club Zero episode deserves much better. Lex finally gives in. He decides to tell Contractor Guy the truth.

Flashback. Lex gets stabbed again. (It always hurts worst the third time.) Kasitch pulls out a gun. He gets knocked over. A gunshot goes off. Parker Lewis falls. Lex turns. It's Liv Lite holding the gun, her mouth in a huge "O." Strobe light. Liv starts to get a crazy Joker smile. Then she cries. She drops the gun. It lands in loud slow motion.

"No! You're twisting it again!" Contractor Guy yells. "That's what happened!" Lex yells back from the floor. Lex says he was trying to protect her. "I'm through with you, Lex!" Contractor Guy yells. He pulls Lex up to his feet. Lex says that killing him won't bring Liv back. "After tonight, you won't hurt anybody. You can't escape your past, Lex," a grinning, crazy Contractor Guy yells. He points the gun at Lex. Lex spins suddenly. The gun goes off. Lex falls back, breaking through glass, falling down toward the lower level in slow motion

Clark suddenly enters. He sees what's happening, zips across the room, and pushes a couch toward the center of the room where Lex is falling. What, your arms are too good for him? As Lex and a bunch of nicely lit glass falls, Clark zips upstairs toward Contractor Guy. Clark throws him against a wall. Clark sees Lex land on the couch. He zips downstairs again. Geez, Clark. Complicating the dynamics of space and time, much? Clark zips to the front door, and then comes back in normal speed, pretending to come in after everything has happened. "Get down!" Lex says, and I expect Clark to start dancing. But he's warning Clark about the man with the gun. "That guy?" Clark asks, pointing to the unconscious Contractor Guy upstairs. "What happened?" he asks. Lex, all wet, asks Clark how he found the place. "With a little help from my friends," Clark tells him. Lex smiles sweetly.

Epilogue. The Talon's grand opening. Party people in da house. Clark, in a nice shirt and jacket, walks up to Lana. She has her hair half up and half down and it actually looks nice. A folksy song that I'll later be shocked to find is sung by Kid Rock is playing. "What do you think?" Lana ask Clark. He's impressed. Lana, holding a yellow flower, is given a present by Clark. "Don't worry. It's not a body part," he tells her. Lana smiles and opens the flat gift. It's a photo of the Talon from when it first opened. Clark says it was taken by his grandfather. He says Lana can hang it up somewhere. Lana hears glass breaking and goes to get back to work. She says the responsibility is terrifying, but that Clark must not tell anyone. "Your secret's safe with me," he says. What a boldly original thought.

Clark walks along. Lex comes up behind him, as usual. "I get the feeling you're avoiding me, Clark," Lex says. Clark says he realized there's a lot he doesn't know about Lex. Lex asks whether Clark is afraid Lex's dark past will rub off on Clark. What a sexually evocative question. Clark looks away. Lex explains that he wanted to protect Liv. That his father wouldn't have done anything to protect her, but would do anything to save his only son. Clark asks if what happened is really the truth. "The truth is I'd do anything to protect my friends," Lex says seriously. Clark looks back at Lex and it's a damn close second runner-up to the Gayest Look of the Episode.

Chloe's at her computer. She's looked up Metropolis United Charities. She looks nice, too. They should have a Talon grand opening every day. Same Kid Rock song is playing. Chloe's mouse pointer hovers over a "Save Document?" prompt. She hovers over Delete. Moves to Save. Thinks about it for a minute. Goes back to Delete. She finally rests on Save and clicks. We go to black.