Kinetic

Why does the damn lousy music have to be so loud? Am I too old already? My cat. Her eardrums. They're bleeding! "Okay, this is the big one, boys! Let's do it!" one of the three hooligans walking as they approach the front gate of Stately Luthor Manor. They're still pumped up, apparently. You can tell by the screechy music.

Back inside, Chloe wonders if Lex might be taking the call just to avoid her question. She walks up to a very nicely lit and expensive looking piece of pottery. She asks Clark if he thinks it's real. Well, if it says, "Made in Wisconsin," it's probably very very late-period Ming Dynasty. Clark peers at the vase more closely, and when he looks back for Chloe, she's left the mahogany room. Clark leaves the room looking for her, and we hear a whooshing sound as the three masked thugs suddenly appear in the room. One of them says that the vault is in the wall behind the bookcases. Another one asks how the first guy knows. The first guy says, "I've got my sources." Then he explains that he's "doing" one of the housekeepers. Manservant Enrique! Total shout-out. The head hooligan takes a deep breath and then walks through the wall. We see it from his point of view, so we see pipes and some sort of netting before we're suddenly in a treasure-filled room the likes of which haven't been seen since the days of Scrooge McDuck. (Trust me. Scrooge McDuck will come into play later.) The third thug comes out of the wall, as if it's made of cheap goo. Loud rock music returns as The Hooligan Gang starts taking expensive coins, knickknacks, watches, jewelry, and cash. Lex is really going to miss that pearl necklace. "One minute!" one of the guys yells. "I only got one arm," Prosthesis Thug mutters. Well, damn, maybe you shouldn't have come, then. Did you think about that? I don't think the Employees With Disabilities Act applies to burglars. One of the thugs finds what looks like a red Zip disk. "Time's up! Let's go!" another one yells. The curious thug pockets the disk.

Hallway. Clark and Chloe are snooping. Clark is uncomfortable with that. "Clark. It's a mansion. It's designed for snooping," Chloe says. At least that's what Architectural Snooping magazine says on the matter. Clark still doesn't like it. Chloe gives in and says they can go wait in the library for Lex to blow them off. Clark suddenly gets all aflutter. Clark starts to put the camera away and Chloe gets her bag. How do they know Lex isn't coming back? They give up awfully easily. Clark sees some bags on the floor and says, "Hey...what's going on?" Suddenly, he's being grabbed from behind by one of the hooligans, and shitty rock music is blaring in his ear. Clark is struggling, and I can't tell if it's from the choke hold or the P.O.D. music. (Fine. You win. I looked it up.)

Chloe quickly runs out of the room. One of the thugs is there in the hall, waiting for her.

We cut back to Clark in the chokehold. His struggling hand is turning mottled and green-veined -- a sign that there are kryptonite plot rocks around. A weakened Clark gets punched in the breadbox.

Chloe, in the hall, is grabbed by a hooligan. She grabs the guy's arm and sees a brightly glowing green tattoo that looks like a bunch of lines going out from a hub in a vaguely octagonal shape. She gives the thug the elbow in the gut and stomps on his foot. Feisty little filly, isn't she? Well, she is until the guy grabs her and tosses her through a stained-glass window.

The thugs grab their army duffel bags and take off, leaving Clark on the ground.

Outside, we see Chloe literally hanging on the ledge. She calls out for Clark.

Inside, Clark hears her cry and says, "Chloe!" He runs toward the window.

Oops. Too late. Chloe falls straight back for what looks like miles and lands flat on the ground. When Clark gets to the window, he sees her on the grass with her neck looking all twisted. "Chloe!" he yells.

Opening credits. Somebody should have saved Chloe.

A hospital room of amazingly inappropriate bright colors. The machine that goes "Ping!" is failing to ping at the moment, but a heart monitor is going along just fine. Chloe is lying in bed, her eyes raccooned up like she's doing a Lana Lang impression. Her arm is in a sling. Clark is in the corner, watching Chloe sleep; he looks nervous and out-of-sorts. Over the hospital PA, somebody calls for a Dr. Kravitz. Lenny shout-out, I know. Lex walks in with his shirt and sports coat, telling Clark not to worry; he's brought in the best doctors from Metropolis. Doctor Octopus, Dr. No, Dr. Toby Feelgood. The crack medical team. Clark asks how bad it is. Lex tells Clark they're not sure, but that they know it's a broken arm and a concussion. Well, isn't that all they need to know? What, do they think she developed a brain tumor from the fall? Oh, wait, they want to make sure there's no brain swelling. Is that a subtle dig at Tom Swelling? Supermope does what he does best. Lex says this isn't Clark's fault. Somewhere in China, a train just derailed and Clark is feeling sad about that, too. Clark says he doesn't know what happened. He asks if the police have leads. Lex says he's one of at least a dozen burglary victims in the county. Why did they wait so long to hit Lex? Isn't he the richest guy in the "county"? Lex says the hooligans get in and out without busting a lock and that they tried to break into the Smallville bank. He never says why it was only an "attempted" robbery. Lex says they tripped up an alarm inside the bank vault. Clark asks if Lex's booty (the money kind, not the bulbous fleshy kind) is traceable. Lex says that he didn't report his stolen stuff to the police; he adds that he only cares what happens to the people who did this to Chloe. He vows, in his elegant way, to make it Payback Time for those rampaging shitclowns. Clark asks Lex what "dealing with them accordingly" means. Lex says Clark should let him worry about it. Along with the bills, the housekeeping, the cooking, the white picket fence. Dammit, Clark, just go away with Lex already! Last shot of beaten-up Chloe on the bed. She looks like characters do on soap operas when they're about to get surgery to assume a new identity.

The Talon Theater. Sad, "Closed. For Sale" sign on the marquee. A blonde girl walks down the street and into Nell's flower shop just as Lana is walking out wearing a gray jacket and a mauve scarf. Feh. She runs into Jocko Whitney, who is walking along outside. He looks like he's completely pissed at himself for giving Lana the opportunity to see him. He was supposed to meet Lana at the hospital. (When was she there? We must have missed that scene.) She tells him that Chloe is okay, but not out of the woods yet. Jocko, who must have a closet full of jackets, is wearing a nice up-collared black one now. He does his best Clark impression and mopes that this place is always trying to keep you down. I keep expecting him to bust into song and croon, "Wicked Little Town" from Hedwig. He tells Lana he's gotta go do inventory, leaving Lana behind to look perturbed. Or maybe that's just constipation.

The Fortress of Barnitude. Clark is turning his home into the Fortress of Frustratitude. He's obliterating pieces of firewood on a chopping block with his fist. Who cuts firewood indoors? That just seems like a tremendous mess. Bo Duke and MamaKent walk in. Worriedly, MamaKent asks what Clark is doing. "These blocks of wood will NEVER LAUGH AT ME AGAIN!" Clark wants to cackle, but instead he just says he's trying to make himself useful. "Hey, son!" Bo bellows. "We need firewood. Not toothpicks!" He holds up a big-ass stick, and it's funny because it's a dig at Clark's huge teeth. Bo, you sly one. Clark whines about Chloe. Bo just came from the bank, so he's got a withdrawal envelope full of platitudes. He pulls one out and hands it to Clark: "Son, becoming an adult means learning a lot of difficult lessons, one of which is that you can't save everybody, no matter who you are." Yeah, Dad, because you couldn't save everyone back in your superhero days, so you know exactly what it's like. Right. I forgot. MamaKent brings up the kryptonite. Clark says he still doesn't know why he felt the effects. "Sometimes I wish I could just leave this town and get away from the meteor rocks!" Clark moans before trying to put the smackdown on another piece of helpless wood. Stupid, stupid rocks! Bo stops him. Because that was the piece of wood he was going to use to carve a platitude for the den. Bo says Clark shouldn't run away from his problems. Unless one of them is Brainiac. MamaKent tells Clark to stop being a drag-ass and go and find out what he can. Aren't these the same parents who usually want him to stay home and avoid using his superpowers? Such mixed messages. Clark leaves. Bo puts a piece of wood on the chopping block. When the DVD of this comes out, I want to see the deleted scene where Bo tries to do the hand trick and breaks his wrist in twenty places.

Nasty Nell and her amazing stretchy top. She's packing up boxes. Lana and Nell talk about Lana's parents. Again. Hey, did you hear? Lana's parents? They were crushed by a space rock. No, seriously! It's true. Just don't ask her about it. She doesn't like to talk about it. Unless it's a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Then, it's okay. Nell slurs that her one-screen theater can't compete with a multiplex (where's the multiplex?), and that's why she's selling The Talon. Also, she wants to send Lana to college where she can bore a whole university's worth of people who haven't heard about her pancake parents. Lana asks who the buyer is, hoping to talk the person into renovating The Talon, maybe. Reluctantly, Nell says it's Lex Luthor. Lana does a weird face-scrunch thing that makes it impossible to tell what her reaction is. Bliss? Anger? Sadness? Confusion? Who the hell knows. Maybe we should ask the good people at Neutrogena if they have a clue.

Outside the Smallville bank. Pete and Clark are walking along. Pete, who is like that wussy reluctant partner in any buddy cop show, tells Clark just to let the official investigation handle it. Clark goes on about how the bank is the one place where the hooligans were foiled. Pete, impatiently, tells Clark to stop channeling Chloe. Pete just wants to get to an episode in which he actually has something to do. Clark x-ray-visions the bank; inside, he sees a human arm floating, as if in amber, in a bank wall leading to the vault. You can tell it's the vault because it has huge clock-sprocket mechanisms. Pete says, "Oh no, not the Kent thousand-yard stare." Heh. He tells Clark to snap out of it. No slap, though. Pete -- stating the obvious because that's the only line he can scrounge -- says he and Clark are not cops. Not until they spin off the show NYPD Pete.

Random Trent Reznor-inspired images on a TV screen. Somebody's flipping channels. The loud music is back. I'll bet if that were your theme music, you'd go deaf really fast. Channel Flipper's got a bunch of green tattoos going up his arm. He's watching a bunch of different TVs at once and looking bored. Another hooligan is on a computer. A third hooligan walks in; when he hears complaint that there's no news of the robbery at Lex's mansion, he calls Channel Flipper "Bro" and says there's no telling how much "jack" Lex Luthor has stashed at his place. This guy needs to take an advanced slang course at the community college. Computer Hooligan, who is the one with the prosthetic arm (it's sitting on the desk with him) pops the Lex disk into his computer. Slang Thug raves that Lex must swim in his money, just like that Irish duck, Scrooge McDuck. Is that a Rave Macbeth shout-out? Computer Hooligan, in a light brogue, says that Uncle Scrooge was Scottish, not Irish. Because if it's not Scottish, it's CRAP! Computer Hooligan informs his hooligan cohorts that the effects of their kryptonite tattoos just aren't lasting as long. Channel Flipper says they need new blood. Slang Thug asks who they can trust. Computer Hooligan shows the other two what Lex had on that disk. He was tapping into Lionel Luthor's computer files. Computer Hooligan says that's why Lex didn't file a police report. He also calls Lex the "Poster Boy for Rogaine." Now, that's just mean. Channel Flipper says they should pay Lex another visit. Computer Hooligan high-fives the others with his one hand. I wonder if, when he lost the arm, he wandered around in a daze going, "I just lost my arm. And I'm...the Computer Hooligan. I can't lose my arm. I'm...the Computer Hooligan," just like the drummer from Def Leppard.

Lex Manor. Very high vantage point. Lex is on the phone bitching out somebody from the best private security firm in Metropolis. Lex puts the phone down, and one by one, the thugs appear out of thin air. Or thick air. I don't really know the air conditions. Lex asks how they got in there. "Same way we did last time, bro," Slang Thug says through his ski mask. Lex says he's calling the police. Channel Flipper calls bullshit. He says they know what's on the disk. Lex denies. Channel Flipper says that Lex is skimming money from his dad to fund a Smallville project. I'll bet the disk was called "The Lex Files." Lex says he's planning a methane treatment plant to put his competitors out of business. Ah yes, the thriving Kansas methane industry. One of the hooligans punches Lex in the gut. Lex falls over. "Methane plants don't need particle accelerators," Channel Flipper says. Not unless it's really fast methane. Slang Thug says they want $1 million in twenty-four hours, or they'll upload the info to the internet, and everyone, including "Big Daddy Lionel," will see what Lex was up to. I like that. "Big Daddy Lionel." Big Daddy Kane would be proud, I think. The Hooligans hand Lex a cell phone to stay in touch. "Now turn around!" Slang Thug says. Lex bends over, and we see right at his face. Oh, man. I don't like the way this is going. Or maybe I do and just don't know it. Lex assumes the...ahem, position. "You have no idea who you're dealing with," Lex says, as he's in the bent-over stance. We hear a whoosh, and when Lex turns, they're all gone. Thus ends the Almost Gay Porn segment.

The never-before-seen Fordman's Store. A sign outside says, "Since 1943." Inside, floppy-haired Jocko is hanging up coats on a rack. He's wearing a bright blue employee shirt and looking pissed as all get-out. Clark appears behind Jocko and calls for him, saying he's there to pick up a microwave for MamaKent. Jocko says he can go to the back counter. "Is everything okay?" Clark asks. Jocko lays into Clark, complaining about his shitty inherit-from-Dad life. Blah blah blah family responsibilitycakes. Clark tries to reassure Jocko about his future, but is told, "I lost my scholarship, Kent." Clark asks if Jocko's told Lana. Nope. Jocko sings "Wicked Little Town" again, saying he's going to end up stuck in Smallville and getting heart problems at fifty. Sounds like a lack of fiber in the family. Slang Thug, holding a tennis shoe, interrupts, asking if Jocko's got "these sneaks in a 12." "Sneaks"? Jeez. This guy probably says "tubular" a lot. Clark notices the guy has a ferris-wheel-shaped green tattoo on his forearm. "You got a problem, bro?" the guy says, and I laugh involuntarily. We used to make fun of a guy who said "bro" all the time after college. Clark says he'll go find the back desk while Jocko goes off to help his new "bro."

Shoe section. Channel Flipper is holding a wooden bat. He greets Jocko, whom he recognizes from his many fine football-field feats. Channel Flipper introduces himself as "Wade," a name even worse than "Channel Flipper." Think we'll stick with the CF. Jocko is all bashful when Channel Flipper lists some of Jocko's on-field accomplishments. It's revealed that Channel Flipper had a career-ending knee injury when he played football. He sympathizes with Jocko's current scholarship loss. Jocko says he doesn't want to be doing "this" store thing the rest of his life. Channel Flipper invites Jocko to a party that night. After some hesitation, Jocko says he'll be there. At one point, Channel Flipper is trying to convince Jocko, and screams, "FUN!" with big chipmunk teeth. Scary. Jocko relents and agrees to go to the "FUN!" party. And just like that, our brooding anti-hero has fallen in with a bad crowd.

Party. Quarters. Pitcher of beer. Heathen tells me she rules at Quarters, but I don't think we've ever played. Or rather, I don't think I've ever played. But Jocko seems to be good at it, as he proclaims himself "God of Quarters." Well, fine. I'm Buddha of Fivers. Loud music. Dark atmosphere. Channel Flipper offers to give his "bro" Jocko a tour. Jocko says their place is "awesome." Channel Flipper is excited that they can bring Jocko on. He tells Jocko that their life after football is just beginning. Some lukewarm girl comes up to Channel Flipper with a lime in her mouth. Channel Flipper takes a shot before sucking the lime from her mouth; then they kiss. Jocko looks very impressed. Lana's not big on the limes or the shots, or even the salacious kissing. "Trust me. It only gets better," Channel Flipper says. Does she use a cantaloupe slice time?

Channel Flipper takes Jocko to a private room where a lone tattoo/dentist's chair sits in a bare room. It's glowing green at the center and looks just like an X-Box controller. (It's also about the same size as an X-Box controller, which is to say, frckenhge.) Jocko says he's not really into tattoos. "Initiation, bro. First one's on the house," Channel Flipper says. If Channel Flipper doesn't stop calling people "bro," I'm going to have to rename his gang "The Bro Brigade." Jocko says that tattoos are "kinda forever." The other two hooligans walk in and say that if he wants to run with the big dogs, he's gotta shit near the tree. Or something like that. Channel Flipper shows Jocko what looks like Midori in a vial. He says it'll make Jocko feel like a new man. Jocko finishes his drink and has a seat. Jocko rolls up his sleeve and tells Channel Flipper to make sure the tat doesn't say "Smallville." Straight green line up Jocko's arm. The other thugs look on in approval, lustily nodding their heads. They share the honor of the Gayest Look of the Episode. Jocko looks surprised, then pleasured.

Underground tunnel. Cars are passing. Where are they, in New Jersey now? Jocko has a big ugly green tattoo on his bicep. They whoop a lot. Suddenly, they grab Jocko and push him over the railing. He screams and struggles. A big rig is approaching. "Be the truck, be the truck, BE THE TRUCK!" they yell. Be my ass. This is stupid. Jocko is flipped onto the street. He gets up. Haven't we seen something like this before? Jocko yells, "No!" The truck passes right through him, but not in an especially exciting special-effects-laden way. We just cut to a side shot that my grandma could have composited in Adobe Premiere in about three minutes. Budget must be tight. Much whooping from the hooligan peanut gallery. Jocko looks amazed and kinda like it was a huge rush. We get the drug metaphor. More whooping. Suddenly there are no cars anywhere. Jocko looks around, thrilled. "Yeah," Channel Flipper says, staring straight at Jocko. I guess he's calling dibs. We cut to commercial as the loud music cranks up. The tunnel makes it even louder.

Kristin Kreuk Neutrogena commercial. How is it that she shows more personality in those fifteen seconds than in an entire season of Smallville? I bet they just got her because she has that same "eu" in her name as Neutrogena.

Chloe's hospital room. Seriously. What's up with all the colors? That can't be therapeutic. Clark shows up at her room with some weak-looking flowers. Chloe smiles big when she sees Clark. She says he's her first visitor. Since she's been awake, I'm guessing. Chloe says she feels like a million bucks, thrown in the washer and set on spin. Um, maybe you should rest a little longer, Chloe. That morphine has dulled your edges a little. Chloe points out the flowers people have sent. The ones Lex sent are a huge circle of white tulips. Chloe says it makes her feel like she won the Kentucky Derby. That Chloe. She's such a pistil. Nurse! More morphine! Stat! Clark offers his piddly, weedy little bouquet. "They're beautiful, Clark," Chloe says. "They're my favorite." Clark apologizes for letting her get hurt. Chloe snarks that she's perturbed at Clark because he didn't prevent the fall of the Roman Empire, thereby making him responsible for the Dark Ages. Where's that intubator when you really need it? Clark looks a little confused by her last remark, then he smiles and thanks her. Clark asks whether Chloe remembers anything about the accident. She remembers the tattoo on the guy's forearm, which she describes as a sort-of octagon. "What's going on, Clark?" Chloe asks. What, she doesn't already have a conspiracy theory? Clark says he'll do some digging. "Clark Kent, Investigative Reporter," Chloe says smoothly. "Has a nice ring to it." Did somebody put tangy cheese sauce in her IV? Clark leans over and kisses Chloe on the forehead. "You get some rest," he tells her. "I'll try," Chloe drawls, in a kissy haze. Chloe thanks Clark as he leaves. She smiles hugely after he's gone.

Lex and Lana walking down the stairs inside the dilapidated Talon. She. Won't. Shut. Up. About her childhood memories of being eighth-row center at the theater where the problems of the outside world just disappeared. Didn't her parents get smooshed right outside the theater? "It's like being transported to a magical place," Lana finishes, to a very unimpressed Lex. A magical place? Like the empty, poppy flower landscape inside her skull? Lex asks Lana why the theater is really so important to her. Could it be...her PARENTS? It is. Lex asks if he's supposed to preserve this monument to "Lana Lang's sentimental memories." Ha. Go Lex. He adds, "You're a teenager, Lana. Mercurial doesn't do you justice." Lana tries to look angry, but instead she smiles and tries to figure out what "mercurial" means. "I thought you'd understand," she mopes. Lex says it's business. "This town needs a parking garage," he says. Lana asks if he's going ahead with his plans. Lex says she hasn't given him a reason not to, and excuses himself. Lana goes all "whatever" with her body language and lets him pass. Maybe she could get the Neutrogena folks to open up a Bath and Body Works.

The Department Store of Fordmantude. Jocko is at a counter wearing dark sunglasses like his ass would ever come close to Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Keep dreaming, Jocko. Clark goes up to Jocko asking if he's got a minute. Jocko pretends he's busy, but Clark goes ahead and asks about the guy buying shoes the day before. Clark grabs Jocko by the arm as Jocko walks away, telling him this is serious. "Ow, take it easy!" Jocko says. He pulls up his sleeve, and there's a fresh symmetric vagina-looking tattoo on his bicep. Clark asks where he got it. Notice Clark doesn't feel any kryptonite effects here. BE THE SCRIPT! BE THE SCRIPT! Jocko gives him the "nuneya." "Did those guys give it to you?" Clark asks. Jocko calls Clark out: he says Clark's always trying to steal Lana; now he wants to be her personal Boy Scout. Well, yeah, except they don't allow gays in the Boy Scouts. Clark tells Jocko to stay away from those guys. Jocko tells Clark to piss off, in about so many words. A woman walks by in the background, just to let us know this is an actual operating store.

Kent Farm. The Barn of Tense Homoerotitude. Lana goes up the rickety wood stairs to find Clark. She says she got Clark's call. He asks whether she's seen Jocko today. Hey, when did Clark get frilly white curtains? Lex must have helped him decorate. Whiny Lana complains that she's trying to help Jocko, but he keeps pushing her away. She almost cries. Poor you. Clark spills the beans about the lost scholarship. Lana is shocked. She thanks Clark for telling her. Lana says Clark is a good friend. Clark says he raided The Torch and found Jocko's new friends in an old yearbook. Channel Flipper looks exactly the same as in his photo. I guess that kryptonite has kept him young. Clark explains that they had their futures taken away just like Jocko because of drugs and injuries. It's like they already got in the NFL, had careers, and stumbled out. Lana blah blahs and concludes that there's more to Jocko than football. His jackets, for instance. She, of course, makes the situation about her and segues into a full-on whine about Lex Luthor and his plans for parking-lot domination. Clark says that maybe Lex's rejection was actually a challenge. Lana says that her first challenge is to help Jocko. Clark says he'll take care of that. "Clark, why are you doing this?" she asks for maybe the tenth time this season. Clark says he couldn't stop what happened to Chloe, but that there's a chance for Jocko. Careful there, Clark. Don't spend all of Bo's platitudes in one place.

Outside Fordman's at night. Jocko is locking up. The General Lee (sorta) pulls up, full of the Hooligan Homies. Channel Flipper is sticking a vial out the window, and tells Jocko that he got a taste -- now he can see what it's all about. Of course, he calls Jocko "bro." Jocko smiles and says he's in. He gets in the car. A few yards away, Clark is watching. Jealously. The car takes off. Clark superspeeds after them.

What appears to be the outside of an abandoned building. Lex gets out of a car. A cell phone rings. "Glad you could make it, Luthor," Channel Flipper says on the phone. Lex is told to walk inside the building, where he'll find a walk-in meat locker. He's told to wait there.

Chloe's blinding hospital room. Clark walks in on Pete and Chloe and asks why Pete didn't meet Clark at The Torch. Pete says that he talked to Chloe on the phone and she insisted they meet there. Chloe goes on a little funny rant about how all the rest is driving her insane and how much she hates hospitals. If you've seen this health-care industry rant, you can save yourself the pain of going to see John Q. Clark listens to Chloe's rant about hospital Jell-O and says, "Those fascists." At that moment, Clark is very fey and entertaining -- a latter-day Rip Taylor, minus the confetti. Chloe reveals that Pete hijacked a phone line for her to surf the net and solve this week's Krypto-Villain Mystery. You can knock her down, but she gets back up again, ladies and gentlemen. That's our Chloe. Chloe has figured out the tattoos, but has made the extra leap that the kryptonite has sped up the hooligans' metabolisms to speed up their molecules and help them walk through walls. That happens all the time when people get hooked on Dexatrim. They just randomly start breaking the laws of physics and become Disparate Molecule Beings. It's very sad. They did a whole Dateline on it. The lame drug metaphor continues with Clark and Chloe discussing molecule shifting as "The Ultimate Rush." You know, we do have doors and windows in this life. I wouldn't make wall-walking the poster boy for the ultimate dream just yet.

Lana is in her boring, musty theater. I was hoping she might have choked on an old popcorn kernel by now. Jocko shows up behind her, scaring her; he looks totally strung out. Red nose, watery eyes. Maybe it's all that dust. It's a real pit, Lana. Maybe you should invest in a DustBuster before you try to woo more investors. Jocko tells her he's in trouble and trusted the wrong guys. Lana says it's okay. They hug.

Same place, different scene. Clark shows up for God knows what reason, and Jocko has spilled his beans to the one person in town he despises. Lana, Jocko, and Clark form a plan to go into the Hooligan Hideout and steal Lex's disk back. Clark offers to sneak in and out before the thugs notice, but Jocko makes noises about cleaning up his own mess. They both go, leaving Lana to be just another dustball in a musty building.

Clark and Jocko at the Hooligan Hostel. They find the place empty of hooligans, so they get to looking for the disk. Clark uses his x-ray vision and finds it in an air-conditioning duct. As they make to leave, the hooligan boys come into the room by non-traditional means, but we don't see it; we only hear the "whoosh" and then watch them walk into the shots. Guess the special-effects budget was even thinner than I'd earlier suspected for this one. Channel Flipper sees the disk in Clark's hand and says he needs it back. He even calls him "bro" to sweeten the deal. Clark crushes the disk. Wouldn't they have just had to copy the damn thing to their hard drive? It's a Mac disk. It's not like it was on a proprietary disk technology. Drag and drop, bitches. Drag and drop. Channel Flipper gets mad. His back-of-the-wrist tattoo glows bright green. He shoves his hand into Clark's chest, Mortal Kombat-style, and roots around. "Hurts, doesn't it?" he asks as Clark gasps and kneels. Channel Flipper pulls his hand out, which isn't even wet or anything, and Clark collapses. "You're , bro," Channel Flipper tells Jocko. That last "bro" and Channel Flipper's pointing finger is evidently enough to take us to commercial.

Sorority Boys is coming. Mark your calendars. Or don't. I mean, really, it's just a movie. With Lex.

Channel Flipper and Slang Thug take Jocko to a place where there are lots of broken-down cars and tons of tires. The prop department must have gotten a good deal on defective Firestones.

Clark still on the ground. He's been left with Computer Hooligan. Clark says he saw Computer Hooligan's arm in the bank vault. Computer Hooligan says it's an occupational hazard. They waited too long in the vault. Ouch. He's not even bitter about it or anything. If it were me, I'd be screaming about it every day. "My arm! Got lost! In a goddamned bank vault! Wait! Where are you going? Come back!" Clark tells Computer Hooligan that they're going to die if they keep doing these tattoos/drugs. Computer Hooligan gets mad and tells Clark that he ruined their retirement plan. He also completely loses his Scottish accent. He says Clark is going to pay. We hear an electrical buzzing, and Computer Hooligan goes down. Lex suddenly appears behind him holding one of those electrical stun guns. Clark gets up and asks how Lex found them. Lana squealed. Lex tells Clark he should have called him first. Poor Lex. I bet Clark goes clubbing all the time without him. Bitch. Lex tells Clark he's going to call the police. He looks down, and when he looks up again Clark is gone. Risky use of the superpowers there, isn't it, Clark?

The weird cavernous car room again. A car is hanging from a chain high up. I think we can all agree, based on past episodes, exactly how that's going to figure into the coming scene. Let's play along anyway, shall we? Channel Flipper is grabbing Jocko by the lapels. He's not even really scary at this point. Jocko says that he thought his life was over when he lost his scholarship, but he was wrong. Standing under the suspended car, Channel Flipper says that Jocko is going to leave the group the way he entered. "Grab the remote!" he tells Slang Thug. How wise is it to make all these threats while also standing under this precariously hung car? And who keeps a remote control around with a big red button that drops cars like that. Is this Wile E. Coyote's garage? Well, I don't get paid to ask these questions. I get paid to recap. So, moving on...Clark appears. "Let him go!" he announces, adding that the cops are on their way. Channel Flipper grabs Jocko from behind. His tattoo goes from green to brown. It's a shit tattoo. Channel Flipper pulls a gun and tells Jocko that there's only one way off the team. "Don't worry, bro, I got you covered!" Slang Thug yells. He pushes the button. With Channel Flipper still under the car with Jocko. What. The. Fuck? How does that make any sense whatsoever? Bad. Bad. Bad Smallville. Clark, of course, rushes toward the car, grabs Jocko, and pulls him out of the way. Bad guy gets crushed. The crowd goes wild. (Yay.) Jocko is knocked into some metal cans and of course won't remember the miraculous save. I thought we were past this crap after the first few episodes of the season. Guess you can't avoid a stultifyingly bad clunker now and then. Crushed Channel Flipper. We hear sirens approaching in record time. Slang Thug starts to run but is stopped as two police cruisers enter. Lex must have Speed Dial that travels across time. Jocko wakes up, looking a little stunned.

Clark approaches Lex back in the former Hooligan place. He asks what Lex told the police. Lex says he told them about the burglary and that Clark and Jocko tried to be heroes and got in over their heads. Clark apologizes for the disk. Lex says he didn't come out for the disk. (Although he already misses those fondue recipes.) He came out for his friend. "Out" being the operative word. Lex circles around the police car after Clark leaves and tells the thugs that he'll keep their secret if they keep his. I wish he'd called them "bro" just to give the word some kind of actual value in this episode, but damn the torpedoes. Lex says that if they don't keep quiet, they'll find they're not the only ones who can reach through walls. I wish this show would turn into Oz once in a while. Well, earlier seasons of Oz, at least.

Town square street. Lex's smooth silver car, with the license plate "Lex I," is parked. Chloe (her arm in a sling), Clark, and Lana are walking along. Chloe is cherishing her freedom from the HMO system. She says she's thinking about doing an expos about how bad it is to be in the hospital. Yeah. And it's even worse when you're sick, Chloe. Chloe asks about Jocko. Lana says he's "taking it one day at a time." Enough! We get the damn drug metaphor. Let's move it along. Nothing to see here. Chloe says that nobody found any of the tattoo ink at the scene of the criminal capture, so she smells a cover-up. She's on her way to the police station. Clark says it's good to have her back. She runs down the street, hair bouncy. Lana says Lex is early, and she's on her way to meet him again. Clark wishes her luck.

Inside the theater, Lex is waiting for Lana. How did he get in? He says he was surprised by her call. Lana says that this time she's prepared. She hands him what I guess is her Trapper Keeper full of her blithering scribbles about her parents. Or a business plan, I guess. She shows Lex a sketch of what she wants to do: revitalize downtown by creating a social center that isn't called The Beanery. She wants the theater to be a caf-restaurant and a local venue for rock bands and art-house movies. So she wants to drive The Beanery out of business and have a place where the crappy bands that the WB shoves into the show can have a place to perform in person. Wonderful. Great. Just shoot me in the head now. Lana talks about historical landmarks and tax benefits as Lex pretends to look at her business plan. (While ignoring her "I [heart] ponies!" stickers.) Lana says Nell can manage the place, and Lana can help. Lex asks how Lana came up with this. Lana says Clark mentioned that Lex likes people to rise to his challenges. Or just to rise, in some cases. Lex says Lana rose to the challenge in this case; he says it's a deal. Through this entire exchange, he doesn't show an inkling of joy or humor. I think he doesn't like Lana much, either. He says this could be the beginning of an interesting partnership. Crappy strummy music comes up as Lana becomes all happy. Lana smiles. Then after Lex leaves, she smiles some more. Then she looks to the right, looks down, looks confused, frowns a little, and, whup, the episode is over. I have no idea what that was all about. I'm just glad it's over.

time: rerun. Then? The long-awaited "Zero" episode. See you then.