Superpower Shuffle

S01E12

By Omar G

Orchestral music comes up on some tall trees. We're in the woods, and as we pan down in the forest of leafitude, a teacher is telling a class of students that a storm is coming in fifteen minutes, and that he wants to be on the road before then. All the students are wearing coats, including Sneaky Pete and Clark Kent, who are on a scavenger hunt for rocks. Pete asks how many rocks they have left to find. "Two," Clark says. "Rose quartz and meteor rock." Meteor rocks are more plentiful than hydrogen in the town of Smallville. Pete tries to make it a competition to see who can find the rocks first. Pete has got a lot of pent-up not-getting-laid energy going. Clark smiles because he's about to cheat Pete. He uses his super-vision to find some quartz. Why he doesn't scope out some diamonds and gold to help out his family's finances, we're never told. While poor mortal Pete hammers into some rocks, Sneaky Clark looks around to make sure his friend isn't watching and smashes his hand into the ground, then pops open a rock like a can or Pringles to reveal the bejeweled quartz innards. "Make that one," Clark says, smiling all out of proportion to the fact that this is basically just classwork. "You're a regular rockhound, Clark," Pete says admiringly. Is that like being a dirt devil? Suddenly, Clark looks all sick. He raises his hand in the now-familiar sign of kryptonite poisoning: the mottling of hand-flesh and popping out of hand-veins. Clark's hand is a kryptonite Geiger counter. "Clark?" we hear, and when he turns around, he sees Lana, who is wearing her kryptonite necklace. I thought we ditched the whole necklace thing ages ago. Lana -- who is so pretty that all the forest animals have slaughtered each other for a chance to follow her around, Snow White-style -- doesn't notice the large screechy sound effect or that her necklace is glowing like a Halloween lightstick. Chloe slides in just then, wearing a maroon ski hat. She complains about geology and how much she hates it while Lana sweetly mentions that she's doing more ranting than digging. Chloe -- who only likes digging for news -- complains that geology is more pointless than algebra and that she could have all the rocks ordered on the internet and delivered to her home vacuum-sealed. From whom, Chloe? All the geology-related dot-coms that ran Super Bowl ads two years ago have long since gone out of business. Don't you remember the rocks.com sock puppet?

We cut to a nerdy-looking boy with glasses and fluffy hair using a pick to cut a rock open. As the menacing screechy music plays, he picks up half the rock, and we see it lined with specks of what we Smallville regulars call "plot rocks." In the U.K., they're known as "premise stones." Nerd Boy -- who, despite his black trenchcoat, looks like a stretched-out Harry Potter -- hustles down a hill and goes up to a blonde girl named Holly, asking her if she wants a piece of meteor rock. She says she already has it, but thanks anyway. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, isn't as polite. He calls Nerd Boy a loser and tells him to stop hitting on his girlfriend. Every person on this show with a letter jacket seems to have a girlfriend, or at least gets laid regularly. You'd think more guys would want to buy jackets like that. Evil Boyfriend makes a threat, and Nerd Boy bravely, but uncreatively says, "I'd like to see you try," but the bully backs off when he sees their instructor walking over. "You're lucky your daddy's a teacher," he mumbles, and walks off. Good thing our bully plans to major in plot exposition in college. "Eric?" Teacher Daddy says. "How many samples have you collected?" Am I the only one who automatically thinks of urine whenever somebody says the word "sample"? Teacher Daddy looks like he could be Andy Richter's dad. Nerd Boy complains that he's had trouble because his glasses keep fogging up. In the woods? I thought that only happened when you went inside. "Get with the program, Eric!" Teacher Daddy says. Yeah! Get with the Smallville! Nerd Boy starts to try to talk to his Dad, addressing him by that name, but his father's all, "It's Mr. Summers at school." Oh, I see. He's a harsh disciplinarian who never wants to let go of his authority over his meek wife and repressed son. I quietly check "Stock Character #43" off my stock villain scoresheet. Teacher Daddy tells his son (also a "Mr. Summers," incidentally) that he'd better find every rock. Nerd Boy defiantly puts on his oversized headphones and walks off. As he walks off, the teacher brushes past Pete and Clark. "Glad he's not my dad," Pete observes. Who is your dad, Pete? We've never seen him.

Storm clouds. We cut to the inside of the bus, where Mr. Summers asks if anyone has seen Eric. "Apparently he's got himself lost," he says sarcastically. What this guy needs is to die soon, but first to masturbate in the shower, find out his real-estate-selling wife is boffing the king of real estate, and smoke pot with his daughter's new boyfriend. And maybe kiss the ex-marine from door. Clark, who is sitting in the front row with Pete, volunteers to go look for him. Nobody says anything about why Clark would want to go alone to look for a boy in the romantic, stormy woods.

As he gets out of the bus, Clark hears thunder and looks up at the sky. He gives a quick glance at the bus, then superspeeds it out of there. So, nobody on this bus is even sparing him a glance after he leaves?

Nerd Boy is standing on a rail, looking up at the sky, holding out his arms and smiling big like he's auditioning for the Smallville High production of The Shawshank Redemption. Through his headphones, he's doing serious damage to his ears by listening to those rebels of vowel usage, Staind. There's actually a nice shot of Nerd Boy standing there, and we look down on a for-once-useful crane shot showing him teetering on the edge of a dam, on the verge of falling in. A dam in the middle of Kansas? What. The fuck. Ever. Clark superzips into the scene, going straight to a fence, where he looks like he's calling out for some distant lover. (Lex? Can you hear it?) It looks like Nerd Boy is taking rocks out of his bag and dropping them. Way to defy daddy. Clark calls out Nerd Boy's name. Nerd Boy, now holding kryptonite in his hand, looks over to Clark. He takes off one side of his headphones, but sadly, Staind is just as damn loud. Suddenly, lightning flashes, hitting the side of the dam and shooting up sparks. Nerd Boy wobbles on the rail and begins to fall. In a badly-done CGI, Clark zips over and grabs one end of the flimsy-looking beige satchel that's all that is between them. Nerd Boy is hanging down while Clark struggles to pull him up. Just then, lightning strikes Clark in the chest. Is it love, love, LOVE? No, I think it's just lightning to the damn chest. Clark screams, very throaty, all, "AGGGGHHHH!" Animated lightning courses through Clark, through the kryptonite between them, and into Nerd Boy. Everything glows green. Clark pulls Nerd Boy up quickly and falls to the ground as the satchel snaps down to Clark. Nerd Boy gets up, climbing over the rail just fine on his own. The back of Nerd Boy's coat seems to have two sparkly, hot orange spots on it. Clark moves to touch it, maybe to put out the flames (it's self-defeating, Clark, to stamp out all that flaming, don't you know that?), but he pulls his hand back in pain. What? Pain? Superman? Clark? Ouch? It just...it doesn't make sense to me! What's going on? It's like some sort of Bizarro World! (World...world...world...) Nerd Boy turns around. Clark grimaces at his hurting hand. Opening credits.

By Omar G

The Nerd Boy home. Nerd Boy bops down the stairs, putting on his wire-frame glasses as he goes. He takes them off, looking at them quizzically, then just carries them with him. He goes down to the dining room, which is actually nicely decorated with dark red walls. "You're late," Teacher Daddy growls. Oh. It's gonna be one of those mornings. He says his son had better hurry because Teacher Daddy has a faculty meeting. The teacher is wearing a little goofy vest and a bow tie. Nerd Boy's mom tries to stick up for Nerd Boy, but she might as well be catatonic for all the good it does. She offers to drive Nerd Boy to school herself. Nerd Boy tries to talk to his dad, starting, "Mr Summers," in a perfectly reasonable-sounding tone of voice. "Don't you take that tone with me," his dad hisses. Misplaced aggression, much? TD bitches Nerd Boy out for almost costing another student his life. Nerd Boy says he can only apologize so many times. Plus, it's not a very easy apology is it? "Sorry I almost killed one of your students, Dad." Nope, doesn't sound easy at all. Teacher Daddy says it was selfish and stupid. Nerd Boy's had enough. He tells Dad to save the speeches for the classroom. With a practiced hand, dad reaches back and tries to whack his son on the mouth. Nerd Boy, with super-speed, catches the hand in midair. He's Supernerd! Dad asks, frightened, how Nerd Boy did that. "You're the science teacher; you figure it out," Supernerd says. Awkward silence. "Get a ride with your mother," the bow-tied wonder says, before leaving the room in a frightened huff.

The locker room. Clark and Pete, with shirts on this time, round a corner. Clark is sweaty and panting. Pete asks if he's feeling okay. Pete comments that usually Clark runs without breaking a sweat, and today he looked like he was gonna die. Clark says he's fine, and immediately starts limping. "Ooh, ahh!" he yells, grabbing his calf. Pete, suddenly seeing his friend in his true wussitude, tells Clark it's just a cramp, and suggests he walk it off. A shirtless guy walks by, touching Pete briefly on the arm (later, LATER!), and Pete takes his own shirt off, giving release to dozens of fanfic writers everywhere. I can hear those fingers typing already. "You're falling apart today, Clark," Pete calls as Clark walks off.

Clark walks into an adjacent weight room, and finds Supernerd there. Clark tells Supernerd that they didn't really get to talk after the near-accident; Clark wants to know how the lightning rod is feeling today. "Actually, I feel great," Supernerd tells Sweaty Clark. He asks if there's some reason he shouldn't. Clark fumbles a "no," saying he just wanted to check on Supernerd. On his way out of the room, Clark is told that his nose is bleeding. "Oh, that's just the cocaine," Clark says, but only in my mind. Clark leaves the room, worried. Supernerd sets the bench press machine to 600 pounds, and starts benching, gingerly, a huge smile on his face. Painted foam has never been so fun to lift, apparently.

By Omar G

Inside the Lair of Lex, a computer simulation is showing a crude wireframe reenactment of the Lex/Clark car accident from the pilot episode. We hear Lex commenting on the nice work done in the simulation, and we pull back to reveal he's talking to the crooked Inquisitor reporter, Nixon. The reporter says that all the physical evidence points to this explanation. Lex says that he's sure a rogues gallery of professionals was consulted. But that's not good enough. Lex wants to know the reporter's sources. He offers $10,000 per name. "Done!" Nixon says. "This would make one hell of a story," the newshound says. Lex casually tells him that nobody will ever know about this. He says that if the story is ever leaked, Lex and Nixon "are gonna have a serious trust issue." Unethical Nixon snarks that it would be a change from their current close relationship. Lex half-chuckles at that. Nixon leaves. Lex leans into his flat-panel monitors and stares at a simulation of his car hitting the bridge rail and knocking over a body (in this case a red, Clark-shaped body) that falls down along with the car. Lex freezes the frame on the car hitting the red body.

Nighttime. Kent farm. I thought Bo said he'd take care of the fence. I guess Bo must have gotten drunk and fallen into a stupor in front of reruns on TV Land because Clark is outside hammering a fence. He stubs his thumb and goes, "Ahhh!" Clark, now that you're not super, I think it's time to look into some Ibuprofen. Or maybe some Midol for that period of yours. Headlights. A fancy silver car shows up. You know the nighttime is the right time to be with the one you love, right? Lex gets out. Clark, barely containing his excitement, asks him why he's all the way out here. I didn't think Smallville was that big a town. Lex says he needs to talk. Clark says he has a minute if Lex helps him with the fence. Clark struggles to lift a piece of wood and Lex is surprised to see Clark huffing and puffing. (Not displeased. Just surprised.) "You can't lift that by yourself?" Lex asks. Clark says he's been baling hay and can barely lift his own arms. All the more submissive, my pretty. Lex, smiling, helps lift the 1.2 lb. board. "We're friends, right?" Lex asks. I thought you were buddies. Close buddies. Clark says they were last time he checked. Nightly. Lex says he wants to know what really happened the day his car went off the bridge. Clark, trying to act like it's the most absurd question in the world, says he dove into the water and pulled Lex out. You forgot the mouth-to-mouth. That's the best part. Camera zooms in on Skeptical Lex. "And that's it?" he says. I flash back to Chris Penn in Reservoir Dogs, sloppily saying, "Now why don't you tell me what really happened?" Clark insists that's what happened, and asks Lex what's wrong. Lex, in a full-on tizzy, says he doesn't think Clark is being completely honest. I bet he asks what clubs Clark has been going to behind his back and where he left Lex's paperback copy of Angels in America. Clark tells Lex that he should tell Clark what he thinks happened. Lex says he thinks he hit Clark at 60 mph and that Clark dove in, pulled back the roof of the car, and saved Lex. "And then he kissed me!" Lex sings, but only in my head. As Lex bares his soul, Clark scoffs and rolls his eyes. Bitch. Lex says, "You're the closest I've ever had to a real friend my whole life. You don't have to hide anything from me." (Except the salami.) Clark gets pissy right back. He tries to give Lex his hammer, and tells him to hit him anywhere. Lex says, "I'm not gonna hit you, Clark." "C'mon!" Clark dares. He says that if he really survived the 60 mph hit, then the hammer won't hurt him. Way to use your sudden disability for evil purposes, Clark. Lex says he just wants the truth. "[Sigh...] You're bald," Clark wants to say. But instead he almost cries as he whimpers, "I'm just a guy who tried to do the right thing! Isn't that enough?" Poor Nancy Kerrigan-looking Clark walks off sadly. Lex is left to look on in regret of his rash, yet perfectly correct, assumptions. If this were a different state, they'd be married by now.

By Omar G

Newspaper. We see a headline that reads, "Super Boy: Smallville's Newest Hero." Who were the old heroes? I skimmed the other headlines, and it's a slow news day, so don't worry about those. MamaKent tells Clark, who's standing nearby, that at least they know what happened to his powers. "Must have been the lightning strike," Bo announces. Oh, you think? Did you figure that out all on your own, or did the cows help? Bo further surmises that the meteor rock must have had something to do with transferring Clark's powers. Well, gee, after all the meteor-rock craziness of the last eleven episodes, what would ever make you think that? Clark mopes that all these years of hiding may not have been worth the trouble, what with the new guy being hailed as (and this is on the back page) "The Shit." "Everyone's fine with Eric," Clark whines. Clark walks off, wondering whether this switch is permanent or temporary. Gee, I wonder. Bo comes over to comfort Clark. Bo finds a stray platitude lying on the kitchen table and decides to use it. "You know what they say: lightning never strikes twice in the same place," he says. Wait, where is the part where you comfort your depressed son? Bo walks over behind Clark and starts giving him a shoulder massage. He says he doesn't think Clark's powers are coming back. This pesky knot in his back, however, will soon be gone forever if Clark just relaxes. Clark says that maybe being normal won't be so bad. "I mean, it worked for you and mom," he says. "Oh, thanks," MamaKent says sarcastically. Um, excuse me, but you are normal. What's the problem, here? Bo and Clark laugh. Clark asks if Bo feels any differently about him. Well, clearly the sexual attraction must be gone, right? Oh, I spoke too soon. Bo gazes at his son adoringly. He keeps doing it, creepily, even as MamaKent walks over. The look lasts so long that if you added all the duration of homosexual activity of both the Greek and Roman civilizations, it still wouldn't add up to this lengthy gaze. It is, alas, the Gayest Look of the Episode. MamaKent explains to Clark that of course they still love him. Especially Bo. "Whether you can bench press the tractor or not," she adds, in case Clark needs a mental picture to have it make sense. Clark asks what he should do now. End the scene, maybe? Bo explains that life isn't easy for anybody. Especially not a father in love. He blah blahs about the way Clark was raised and that he hasn't changed even without his superness. "You don't have to hide anymore," MamaKent says. That's right, Clark. Jump out of the superhero closet! It's musty in there! She tells Clark to have fun. At Club Zero. After Clark leaves, MamaKent asks Bo if he's relieved about all this. He says that Clark always wanted to be normal, and he got his wish. You didn't really answer the question, there, did you, Bo?

Clark, Chloe, and Pete walk down the stairs at school, right past that fugly crow with the cape and the "S" shield. Pete tells Clark about Supernerd. Chloe effuses about getting her laptop back, and her first byline in the Smallville Ledger. Clark says that the guy only stopped a purse snatcher, and it's not that big a deal. Supernerd goes up to Chloe at that moment and thanks her for the story in the paper. He's wearing a red sweater and a gold chain. Ew. Chloe thanks him for saving her computer, and says that it's her whole life. "Okay, how pathetic did that just sound?" she asks, smiling. This guy must have a thing for blondes. Clark looks jealous. Supernerd asks who came up with "Super Boy." Chloe says she did. He says he likes it. Chloe thanks him. When he walks off, Clark says, "I thought it was kinda lame." I think you're kinda lame, Clark. Chloe and Pete tell Clark that he's jealous. He mopes that the guy needs to be careful, and that the attention shouldn't go to his head. Chloe tells Clark that when he starts throwing people thirty feet, she'll write nice things about him. Clark pissily watches Supernerd sign autographs down the hall.

While Clark and Pete are still standing there, Lana and Jocko walk up to them. Clark looks at Lana's necklace, which isn't glowing. Lana asks if Clark is okay, given that he's staring at her chest. Come on, Jocko. Step in and kick his ass! Jocko asks Pete if he and Clark want to play with Jocko and Brent -- a pick-up game of b-ball. Pete says Clark doesn't play. Oh yes he does. "Bring it on," Jocko says.

Basketball court. Lana begins the first of about five hundred annoying "Whooo!" calls from the sidelines. Alt-rock madness music plays as Lana and her blonde friend whoop it up while the boys play. In the back of my mind, I have the song, "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins. Further back in my mind, "YMCA" is going. Much basketball action. Clark misses a bunch of shots and, later in the game, starts making them. He misses a slam dunk. He smiles when he gets knocked down. Where's the Gatorade? They "good game" it when it's over, and Clark is all smiles. Pete asks him why he's smiling, since they got their asses beat. "I know. Pretty cool, huh?" Clark says. Eye of the tiger indeed.

Metropolis skyline. Lex is standing inside a very expensive-looking office/art collection room. Camera zooms in on Lex's face as he sees Boobs McChesty and her dad, Sir Hairy, walk in. Sir Hairy has that full-chested Rupert Murdoch look. And when he opens his mouth, he even talks a little like Rupert. Lex complains that Boobs -- who's wearing a red pantsuit that looks like it was thrown out by Mary Hart -- smiles and asks why he seems upset. Sir Hairy, for his sweaty part, says they just closed a deal. Lex complains about being treated without respect. Sir Hairy says it doesn't matter how Lex feels. "Because the deal. Is off!" he announces, trying to do his best Michael Caine. Lex says he thought it was Sir Hairy's ambition to crush Lex's father. "No, that's your life ambition!" Hairy says cheerfully. He's sweating like a basted rump roast. Hairy says his ambition it to take over LuthorCorp. Lex asks how he plans to do that without Lex's shares. Hairy says he bought Cadmus Labs, the company Lex has been researching for the last year. Boobs McChesty looks uncomfortable in the background. I'm happy to report she doesn't say anything. Hairy is happy. He plans to buy Luthorcorp. Hairy tells Lex to tell his dad hi. Then he says, "Come on, girl," to Boobs. After Hairy leaves, Lex tells Boobs, "Congratulations. I hope it was worth it." He leaves. Boobs is left to look conflicted, or stupid, or both.

By Omar G

Smallville High campus. Holding a boombox blaring a song called "Bonecracker," Supernerd has just become Superthug. He's wearing an admittedly snazzy black leather trenchcoat and looking pissed off. I guess my question here is, if you have superpowers, and you've just estranged your parents, what's keeping you in school? He walks right up to Dream Blondie and her boyfriend -- who are holding hands across a park-style table -- sets down his boombox right in front of them ("Ow, my ears!" you want them to say), and says to Blondie, "You wanna go out sometime?" Her boyfriend is understandably aghast. He asks if Supernerd's suicidal. It looks like Blondie might actually accept the offer, but not before the boyfriend gets up and starts pushing Supernerd around, alluding to his "bogus stunt." Supernerd has a simple answer: he knocks out the mirror from a nearby truck. (Somewhere, Jocko Whitney is screaming, "Aw, shit, not again!") Letter Jacket Guy starts to back away while a crowd gathers.

thing we see, Dick Letterman is running away. He crawls under a truck to escape the wrath of Supernerd. With one hand, Supernerd lifts the side of the truck. He asks why Dick Letterman is hiding. Letterman crawls away. Supernerd flips the truck over a few times. ("Noooo!" Jocko screams, bemoaning the loss of his fifth truck.) As Letterman tries to run away, Supernerd keeps superspeeding in front of him like a bored cat with a mouse. He grabs Letterman and flings him onto a green park table. Blondie goes to her boyfriend, looking scared. Clark gets in front of Letterman. He tells Supernerd, "You can't do this!" Clark tells him he could kill someone and needs to calm down. "You're not my father, Clark!" Supernerd squeaks in his not-at-all-super voice. He tells Clark to get out of his way, and gives him a helpful nudge, propelling him high into the air and onto a crappy car. ("Noooo!" Pete yells in the distance.) Supernerd looks over to Blondie. "Get. Away from us. You. Freak," she says emphatically. Supernerd looks around. Everybody is staring at him, and not in admiration. He superspeeds it out of there. "Bonecracker" is still playing as we pan down to show a broken-looking Clark on top of the crappy car. His head is bleeding in what appears to be the Enron logo. We go to commercial.

If you and your best friend can't find anything to talk about except Starburst, you need a new best friend.

"Just a little higher," we hear, and it's a Dr. Hibbert-like doctor patching up Clark's torso with some bandaging. Clark is about as battered as a Russian skating team's ego. Clark asks how long it's going to hurt like this. He's told it'll be a couple of weeks, which he just can't fathom. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," the doctor says. This is the lowest-lit exam room in medical history. I think the era of leeches and wood needles had better lighting. Clark looks at the doctor like he's crazy, and just then the parentals walk in. MamaKent goes to hug Clark, and he asks her to take it easy on the ribs. "How is he, Doc?" Bo asks. If I were the doctor, I'd just slap him on the mouth for calling me "Doc." Oh, and does this doctor not notice that Clark has never had immunizations or a medical history of, well, anything, ever? The doctor says that Clark is fine, but that they may take x-rays to be sure. Clark and Bo exchange a glance, and Bo says they'll just take him home. Why would x-rays hurt him now? Bo tells MamaKent to help Clark get dressed while he takes care of the paperwork. As they walk out, Clark explains what happened with Supernerd. Even though it was his chest that got hurt, he limps. He says that even though they're not his abilities anymore, Clark still feels responsible. Weight-of-the-World Clark. Now available with Kung-Fu Grip.

As Clark and MamaKent are walking, Lex suddenly appears from behind. "Clark. I just heard. (That you want me.)" MamaKent says, "Hi, Lex," and quickly excuses herself so Clark and Lex can do their dirty, dirty thing out of her sight. Clark grabs his chest like he's about to go join 'Lizabeth up in heaven, and asks Lex if he was coming to see if he was really hurt. Lex says he wanted to make sure Clark was all right (for love). Clark says that maybe they can go out to the parking lot and Lex can hit him with his car. Damn, but you're pissy tonight, Clark. Lex pulls Clark back by the arm and says that he's sorry. Has Lex ever apologized for anything on this show before? Clark asks whether Lex is going to stop snooping behind his back now. Lex, I imagine, will now focus on Clark's front. Lex says he had no right to snoop, and pleads temporary insanity. Lex says he wants to put this behind them. (Along with their clothes.) "Only temporary?" Clark asks, giving Lex a sly sideways smile. This was all a ploy for attention, wasn't it, Clark? Lex smiles back. He asks if Clark needs help. Clark -- in a better mood, but still showing himself to be an Independent Woman (Part 1) -- walks off on his own.

The house of shameful, dirty, superpower boy. Supernerd walks into the room. His mom, who's been on the phone, asks where he's been. He desperately says he needs her help. Mom says that Teacher Daddy has already spoken to Principal Once Was Smooth. Say what you will about their stifling, cerebral existence, but I love what they've done with the living room. I want to paint one of my rooms that color of green. Supernerd pleads that the whole flipping the truck three times one-handed thing was just an accident. Teacher Daddy comes in from the other room, telling him to save the sob superstory. "What are you doing, Dad?" Supernerd asks. Dad is coming at him with a damn putting wedge, it looks like. What are you going to do, birdie him to death? Teacher Daddy tells his son it's time to take responsibility. With the cops. We can hear them coming, sirens ablaze. Supernerd looks scared. "What did you do?" Supernerd asks. Mom says he needs help. In his little sad voice, Supernerd says, "You're my dad. You're supposed to protect me." Awww. Poor widdle superboy. Climactic music plays even though the best we've gotten here is the threat of a bogey.

Kent living room. I see they shop at a pottery barn. No, literally. It's a barn out on Route 9 that sells pottery. Clark, looking pensive by the window, hears Bo Duke come in, saying he talked to Supernerd's parents that morning. "They were scared," he tells Clark. "Were you ever scared of me?" Clark asks his pappy. I think it was more that he was scared of his feelings for his son. Bo says there were a few scary tantrums early on, but that Clark is generally a good kid. "We had some holes in the wall. But, naaah..." Clark says he doesn't think Supernerd is a bad kid. Neither does Bo. Clark, hand on his ribs, says he was freaked out at first, but now he's enjoying not being anything special outside the world of male modeling. Grunting as he sits, Clark says that his current pain is better than being around the meteor rocks any day of the week. What about Saturdays? Because I hear Saturday meteor rocks aren't so bad. MamaKent comes in with her Weekly Phone Bulletin. She says the police came to Supernerd's house, but that they couldn't control him. Clark says he'll go. Bo warns that Clark's hurt, and that if they have another showdown, Clark could get killed. Then the show would be Lexville. Clark thinks that Supernerd might have Clark's weakness. "The meteor rocks?" MamaKent says, aghast. Yes, the damn meteor rocks. Somebody should build a neon sign for inside the house. "Meteor rocks = bad. We get it." As a lone low note plays, Clark says that he alone knows the weakness, and that even without his powers, this is who he is. So, I guess the wussiness has nothing to do with being super. Good to know. After MamaKent asks, Clark says he knows where to find a meteor rock.

The Metropolis office/leisure room where Lex likes to do business. Lex walks in looking tall as a mountain as he greets the teeny tiny Sir Hairy and the for-once-small Boobs McChesty, who seem to shrink in Lex's presence. "How'd you do it, Lex?" Sir Hairy asks. He sounds like Jamie Lee Curtis' thug boyfriend from A Fish Called Wanda before she meets John Cleese. "It's wuuurthless," Sir Hairy continues. Lex advises that they should have done their homework before acquiring Cadmus Labs so wrecklessly. Boobs flips her "ON" button and begins trying to act. She whines to Daddy that she read the report. "You mean that piece of fiction you saw on my computer?" Lex asks. Much familial anger. "That's what you get for trusting family," Lex says. He adds that he and his own dad, the Magnificent and Bastardous Lionel, will be making an offer on their company in the morning. Sir Hairy glowers for a moment, then leaves. "How could you do this to me, Lex?" Boobs warbles after her dad leaves. Lex says she did it to herself. And that's what really hurts. "It was just business," Boobs says, walking up to Lex in the same weird maroon outfit. "Sleeping with me was just business? I'd hate to think what that makes you," Lex tells her. Best. Line. Ever. After about two seconds, Boobs understand the insult and rears back to slap Lex. Lex takes the hit and adjusts his jaw accordingly. "We could have been great together," Boobs says. "I plan on being great all by myself," Lex says, sending hearts aflutter all over the world. Lex says she'd better go check on Daddy because he didn't look well. One last angry look from Boobs, and...wait for it...she's GONE! Forever! (We hope.) Hooray for the end of her crappy four-episode arc. Don't let the door hit your boobs on the way out, McChesty.

Movie theater. Lana is rolling up posters when Clark walks in. He says he saw a light on and figured it was Lana. What, a projection light? You don't have superpowers anymore, Clark. Quit walking around like you do. Lana asks if Clark is okay. She asks how he thinks Supernerd got his powers overnight. "I have no idea," Clark says. Liar. Lana effuses about how great it would be to have powers. Clark may not be super, but he still has the ability to superpiss on people's parades. He says it would be scary. He explains that superpowers haven't helped Supernerd. Lana says she wishes she could fly. "Yeah, that'd be something, Lana," Clark says. The fact that he can deliver that line straight-faced and without excess cheese must mean this kid can really act. Clark gets quiet. Lana asks what's wrong. Clark says it's her necklace. He's never noticed how beautiful it is before now. Yeah, he was too busy emptying his superbowels and twisting in pain. Clark says this is going to sound strange, but he wants to borrow it. After a half-second of confusion, Lana says, "Sure," and takes it off. Yeah, it's just the last memento she has of her squished parents. Sure. Here ya go. She doesn't even ask what it's for. Is he going to woo some hussy up in Metropolis with it? When he takes the necklace, he touches Lana's hand. She asks now why he wants it. "It's complicated." He promises that whatever happens, she'll get it back. Possibly along with the bone from his body it's soldered to. Lana says that Clark is scaring her, and that she wants to know what's going on. Clark just leans in and kisses her lightly on the cheek. "Goodbye, Lana," he says. And then he ships off to WWII. Oh, wait -- wrong dramatic exit.

The house that shame and repression brought down. Nighttime. Clark walks up to the Supernerd home and finds it in ruins. The mailbox is knocked over (No, not the mailbox!), a streetlamp is knocked over, the front landing stairs are in ruins, a police car's on fire, and a truck is sticking out of the roof. Clark talks to the parents, who seem more concerned about the house than they are about their son. Clark asks where their son might be. Club Zero, maybe? That's just wishful thinking, Clark. Get your mind out of the gutter. Teacher Daddy, who is suddenly cooperative, says that his son talked about "getting rid of it" and how there was only "one place he could do that." Getting rid of it? You need to learn to accept yourself and live with it. Oprah and Out would agree with me, I'm sure of it. Clark looks thoughtful. Teacher Daddy walks back toward the house. It may be in ruins, but he's probably going to rank somebody out for not cleaning the storm gutters.

The damn dam again. It's nighttime. Clark calls out to Supernerd, who is standing on the same rail. He looks back at Clark and smiles. He's holding some sort of electronic-looking black box. He leans over and falls off the rail. "Eric, don't!" Clark yells. Dramatic music. We go to commercial.

Speaking of dams, The Queen of the Damned comes out week. Is it just me, or does it seem creepy to have Aaliyah portraying one of the undead now?

The Weekly Kryptonite Confrontation. Clark has apparently climbed down the entire damn dam. He calls after Supernerd. Supernerd, who looks just fine, tells Clark he should have let him go the first time. He explains that he did the dam dive to see if he had any limits. "Apparently, I don't," Supernerd says. Clark says that Supernerd can adjust -- he just needs to give it some time. "How do you know, Clark?" Supernerd asks and scoffs at Clark's assertion that his life isn't ruined. Oh, wait, it's Clark who's holding the electronics-looking box, that is actually Lana's necklace. You confused me in that last scene, Smallville editors. Clark offers to help Supernerd. Supernerd doesn't want it. To prove that assertion, he throws Clark against a fence leading to a big electricity generator. Clark fumbles around looking for the necklace, but can't find it. The lead box is empty. Supernerd says that if people are scared of him, he'll give them a reason to be scared. He asks Clark what he'd do with powers like his. "I'd stop people like you," Clark says. Wrong answer. He gets thrown up hard against a metal surface. Shouldn't Clark be dead by now? Clark finds the glowing necklace on the ground. "You're wrong," Clark says. Supernerd says they'll see about that, and reaches over to grab two big clunky electrical wires. He severs them and grabs an end. There's electricity everywhere. Clark gets up. They lock hands, the necklace between them. Holy recreation! Green glowing light. Screams. Sparks. Love? No. No love. Close-up on Clark's face. His head wound heals instantly. Clark is suddenly in pain. He's still holding the necklace, the dumb-ass. Clark manages to get the necklace inside the lead box Lex gave him. Supernerd is on the ground, in pain. Clark goes to help. "It's so cold," Formerly Supernerd whimpers.

By Omar G

Speaking of dams, The Queen of the Damned comes out week. Is it just me, or does it seem creepy to have Aaliyah portraying one of the undead now?

By Omar G

Epilogue. The Superbeing Formerly Known as Nerdy is wheeled on a stretcher into an ambulance as his dad watches impassively. Clark and Bo walk off. Clark asks Bo what he thinks will happen to the kid. Doesn't he ask this at the end of every episode? Bo says they had problems way before any of this happened. Bo asks how Clark is feeling. "Normal. For me," Clark mopes. Jeez, never satisfied, are we? Bo has to recycle one of his nasty used platitudes. He says that Clark's gifts are a part of him, but that they don't define him. Clark says that his powers complicate all their lives. Bo says that seeing the other kid go all Destructo reminded him just how special Clark really is. He delivers this with a big southern lump in his throat. Clark smiles and says the other kid didn't get Clark's two strongest gifts: his parents. Ack. Yuck. This cheese tastes expired. Bo looks like he's going to cry.

The Fireplace of Lexitude. Lex is sitting in his favorite chair. He's calling Papa Luthor. He asks, "How's business?" Lex is drinking. Papa says that the Daily Planet is running a story about their takeover of Sir Hairy's company. Lex asks whether he was mentioned in the story. Third paragraph. "That's what happens when you trust your family, Lex," Lionel purrs, though we only hear him. Papa Luthor says he's proud of Lex. Lex sounds surprised. "Thanks, Dad," he says. "That means a lot coming from you." Lex hangs up the phone. As he does, Reporter Nixon walks in from behind. Lex tells Nixon that his expert sources were wrong about the car accident. "That's not possible," Nixon says. "So how do you explain the accident?" Lex says he doesn't care, and plans just to put it behind him. Along with Clark's underwear. Nixon complains that there's something there. Lex tells him the Kents are off-limits. "You have something for me?" Lex asks. Nixon produces a manila envelope. Lex looks a little stricken. "Nice picture quality," he says. "Who initiated this encounter? [Boobs]?) "Your father," Nixon tells Lex. Nixon leaves the room. Lex is still looking at the photos, biting his lip. He almost has tears. We see what Lex is looking at. Papa Luthor and Boobs McChesty are on a bed. Boobs is naked. Papa is on top of her, kissing her, his wild hair all over the place. Did anybody see this coming? I sure didn't. Ew ew EW! Gross, y'all. I need to wash my eyes out with smelling salts or something. Last shot of Lex. He looks stricken, hurt, and lost. Remember, Lex. Clark is only a speed-dial away.

By Omar G

Theater. Crappy slow Bush song is playing. Clark walks in. Lana, who doesn't seem at all surprised to see him after the whole Pearl Harbor exit, says she was just locking up. Clark says he wanted to give the necklace back. He hands it to her in the lead case Lex gave him to give to Lana. "It's beautiful," she says. It's lead, Lana. You're easily impressed. Clark tells her it's lead armor. Can't that poison her? Lana peeks in as Clark almost takes a step back. "Is this your way of telling me I shouldn't wear my necklace?" Lana asks. Clark says he doesn't want it to hold her back. And he doesn't want his stomach to turn into jelly. Lana walks past Clark. In her stupid quoting--dialogue tone of voice, she says that letting go is the only way to move forward. They go outside. Lana says he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders again. Clark says he does. He offers to walk Lana home. She says she has to meet Jocko at the store. "Rain check?" she asks. "Rain check," Clark agrees. They say goodnight. Clark walks off alone. We crane up to get a shot of the movie theater marquee, then awkwardly to the right to keep Clark in the shot. Fade to black.

The WB still wants to sell you crappy CDs. I say you tell them to piss off.

week: a rerun. The week after that? Superpowers in a small town, I bet.