Hug

Warning: there are no hugs to speak of in this episode, despite the episode's title. But there is a big smooch, some telling glances, and a damn lot of handshaking. Ready for some business-like affection?

We open on an exterior shot of a tall skyscraper, and we must assume that we're in hallowed Metropolis. Does anybody else get the willies when they see a stand-alone shot of a big city building like that? Glad it's not just me. Inside an office, we see a figure in a suit standing against a window, looking out. The guy's got a great mane of wavy hair, and for one shining moment, I think it's Lionel Luthor, he of the cover of Magnificent Bastard magazine. But when he turns around, it's this geeky, bearded, pseudo-Vincent D'Onofrio with glasses.

"Killer view," we hear a voice say, and when Pseudo-Vincent turns around, he sees a guy who looks like a younger, sharkier Chris Isaak. Pseudo-Vincent, despite the beard, looks about twenty years too young to be playing the role of a guy at an environmental protection office. When he speaks, it's like listening to a middle schooler try to do a scene from a comedy of manners. As Young Chris Isaak sits down in front of Pseudo-Vincent's desk, the exchange reveals that the EPA-type guy (Pseudo-Vincent) is mad at Young Chris Isaak for being a big, bad polluter. Young Chris Isaak wants to build a plant somewhere. A bottle sample shows muddy, urine-colored groundwater from the last town where Chris built a plant. What a wicked game this Pseudo-Vincent plays, to make this evil developer feel this way. Pseudo-Vincent resists the charms of Young Chris Isaak (whereas the real Chris Isaak seems to have everyone he comes across take their top off on his Showtime series), and pulls his head back, saying he's going to get a restraining order to keep Chris from developing in Smallville. Oh, yeah. Smallville. Almost forgot about that place. Young Chris Isaak says it's too bad, because the town of Smallville has a special place in his heart; it's kind of a heart-shaped world of a town for him. Pseudo-Vincent is still not impressed. I'm not impressed with his unstudied approach to acting. YCI asks if there's anything he can do to change P-V's mind. Pseudo-Vincent says he's not as easy to buy off as his colleagues are. YCI gets mad and says he's never bought off anyone; people always agree with him because he's always right. Like Jesus, I suppose, if you don't count the Romans. P-V whips out some info about poisonings caused by YCI's pesticide plants. Defeated (but not really), Young Chris Isaak says he appreciates Pseudo-Vincent D'Onofrio's candor, and offers his hand for a shake. Skeptical, Pseudo-Vincent takes it. When their hands meet, Young Chris takes the other man's hand in both of his, Bill Clinton-style. A light green glow surrounds their hand, as if they're holding someone's bracelet from a rave. Suddenly, Pseudo-Vincent is in a daze as Young Chris Isaak makes his sales pitch anew, calling P-V a "man of passion." Pseudo-Vincent has been hypno-handshaked! YCI starts talking about how hard P-V, works and how no one ever appreciates it. He's no Hannibal Lecter, but somehow, Young Chris has convinced P-V that life sucks, and that his life in particular is worthless. YCI shows P-V the skyline and asks if any part of the world is his. YCI picks a piece of lint off Pseudo-Vincent's shoulder and then leaves him to his hypno-depression.

Downstairs, Young Chris Isaak gets into an elevator. He exits on the ground level and takes out his cell phone; before he talks, a body lands on a cab outside. Ooh, Young Chris Isaak did a bad, bad thing. He tells Tyler,the person on the line, to bring the car around. They're going to Smallville. Oh, and so are we! Opening credits.

Outside, a trail in an area with big, tall green trees. Boy, the seasons sure do move strangely in this town, huh? I could have sworn it was a snowy winter just a short while ago. And now there are huge trees in the middle of Kansas. Guess that's what happens when you put Kansas in Canada. Clark Kent -- the superhero with the rosy cheeks and eyeshadow -- Lana Lang -- his partner in bad makeup -- and flippy-haired Chloe are all riding horses. Chloe's having trouble with hers, complaining that, unlike a car, the horse doesn't have windshield wipers. If a horse had a windshield in the back, couldn't it use its tail? Her horse goes in circles while Clark and Lana (the latter of whom is wearing a virginal white parka) talk about Jocko Whitney, whose dad is still in the hospital getting his ticker worked on. They talk about how hard it is to run a family business (in Jocko's case, a store). Clark, like Jocko, doesn't want to run the business after high school. Lana asks what Clark wants to do after graduation. He says he doesn't know, but that he doesn't want to wear a suit and fly a lot. Oh, wait, I recognize this trail now. This is the famous Kansas Trail of Cheese! There! The signs and the trees and even the horses are all made of cheddary goodness! How did I miss that? Chloe drops her camera. She mentions it, but nobody stops. Clark asks why she brought it. She says she's not doing this "butt-bashing thing" for fun. (Somewhere in Lex Luthor Manor, the master's ears are burning like a psoriasis rash.) Chloe goes on to say that the woods are a Bermuda Triangle in Smallville, and that when people come out, they don't remember where they've been. Just then, we see an ominous stranger's point of view of the horseback riders. It's a creepy man! Lana and her horse trot back to retrieve the camera for Chloe. Chloe explains to Clark that, just a week ago, some pesticide factory developers came out of the woods screaming, not remembering what happened there. I wish Chloe's conspiracy theories would get lost in the woods. Clark asks Chloe what she thinks is going on. She blames Kyle, a guy who sells weird sculptures in town and lives alone in the woods. Clark compares the guy to Thoreau. Chloe compares him to the Unabomber. I'd like to compare the guy to the late Chris Farley's motivational speaker character, Matt Foley, who lived in a van down by the river. We miss you, Chris.

Just then, Lana screams. Oh, what, did somebody pull the string in her back? Very lifelike, that scream. Clark turns, hops off the horse, and tells Chloe to watch the steeds. She "whoa whoa whoa whoa"s, trying to get them to stay in place. Clark turns to see if Chloe's looking. She's not, so he super-speeds it down the trail. Chloe turns, and Clark is nowhere to be seen. Where's your explanation for that, huh, Chloe?

Lana opens her eyes slightly, but it's a struggle, what with all that makeup weighing down her eyelids. Somebody's trying to shake her awake. We blurrily see, from her point of view, a rugged guy with lots of stubble; he looks a bit like Bo Duke. Lana gasps (at least according to my closed captioning. You can never tell whether she's breathing, gasping, sighing or what with this actress), and when Clark comes into view, he sees some creepy guy in a leather jacket shaking Lana. "Get away from her!" Clark yells. The guy runs off. Lana and Clark look around. Nobody's around. Clark picks up Chloe's camcorder. (Number of longing, lingering shots of Clark's ass riding the horse on Chloe's video? At least twelve, I'm guessing.)

Weird Twin Peaks moment. We're watching a replay of the woods scene as we pull back from a TV screen. Bo Duke and Clark are in the Kent home watching the video. Bo Duke asks Clark whether he knows what's going on in the video. Clark marks a circle and an X on the screen and says, "Well, here you have the I-formation, and you've got Emmitt Smith going up the middle, but then here comes the Packers defensive line and BOOM! He's on his back!" Wait, that was when Bo Duke asked John Madden what was going on. Back on Smallville, Clark is not as insightful; he doesn't know, but he thinks that, whoever the man was who was shaking Lana, he wasn't trying to hurt her. Maybe it was her acting coach, yelling, "Act, damn you, act!" MamaKent comes over with the black cordless phone. She was talking to Nell, and reports the news that Lana is fine and just has a mild concussion. John Madden would have picked up on that without calling. And, while we're here, why is it always MamaKent's job to call around town trying to resolve what just happened in the last scene? Is she a gossip, or something? MamaKent goes on the say that Nasty Nell, Lana's aunt, wants Clark to go to the police and say he saw the mysterious man spook Lana's horse and attack her. "That's not what I saw," Clark says. Yeah, he was probably using his x-ray vision to see squirrel testicles or something. Bo asks whether Clark thought that Kyle (the lone woodsman) seemed dangerous. Clark brings up Chloe's thoughts on visitors disappearing from the woods. MamaKent cracks what little whip she has and tells Bo to go talk to Boo Radley...er, I mean "Kyle." Clark gets up and offers to go himself. Clark says it's not like Kyle Radley can hurt him. "That's not the point," Bo says. Well, what is, then? No answer. Instead, Clark says that he understands what it's like to be hidden from the world. Yeah, you're just like Anne Frank, Clark. Sure. Whatever. Bo looks to MamaKent. They acquiesce. He asks Clark whether he knows how to find Kyle Radley. "I'll just follow the trail of bad sculptures," Clark says. Yeah, like you have an artistic bone in your superbody, Mr. New York Times Review of Art. At the end of this scene, MamaKent smiles her strange puckery smile, and somewhere out there, Mr. Bean and Amlie are jealous.

Oh, man. Boobs McChesty alert. She's standing in front of a portrait of sunflowers (future Evil Lex reference!), and it's hard to tell which one is more animated. She's wearing a leopard-skin jacket that she must have stolen from some Metropolis pimp, and a necklace that probably served as his medallion. Young Chris Isaak comes up to her from behind (is there any other way?), and gives her a drink. He says he's surprised to find her in Smallville. God, I hope it's just for one more episode. She says, "It grows on you." Like a fungus? Among us? Just then, Lex -- wearing lots of black -- shows up and tells Boobs McChesty not to encourage YCI. Then he snarks that Smallville needs more pesticides in its water. Can we just stick it in Boobs's drink? YCI smarms that Lex is just jealous that somebody is sharing his sandbox. "Only when they're polluting it," Lex says. Wait. Is that a kitty litter joke? I can never tell. Young Chris Isaak moves to shake Lex's hand, but Lex deftly swings around and grabs a glass of wine from a tray instead. John Madden: "You see, he juked to the right, finding an opening, and he just ran with it. Isaak had nowhere else to go. Now that's penetration!" Some back and forth about YCI's offices. YCI offers Lex a button. Lex bitches that soon the town won't be inhabitable. YCI says he follows the rules. Lex says he has an interest in Smallville because he lives there. I never thought I'd say this, but this Lex scene is kinda boring. YCI mentions that he had spoken to Lionel Luthor about Lex's "exile." In this neverending exchange, YCI reveals that he's found the perfect place for his new plant: The Kent Farm. Lex tells YCI that it's going to be impossible to get the Kents to sell their farm. "Trust me, Bob. You're not that charming," Lex says, and throws back the button. Got to admit, Lex does know from charming.

Nighttime. What, did Clark drive to Missouri? Clark gets out of a truck, presumably arriving at Kyle "Boo" Radley's house. A trashcan sitting outside a trailer has a strange affinity for Clark's inner desires. Because it's flaming. Clark walks up to the trailer door and knocks. We see there are sculptures in the yard, but we can't tell if they're bad or not. We see the creepy woodsman point-of-view camera angles again, this time behind Clark and one of the big sculptures. Clark knocks again. He turns around and almost kisses Kyle Radley on the mouth as he suddenly appears behind him. "How'd you do that?" Clark says. Um, Clark? I think he was already outside. "Magic," Kyle whispers, and with his wide, wily eyes on an intrigued Clark, he somehow unexpectedly walks away with the Gayest Look of the Episode Award. "Haven't you heard of Crazy Kyle who lives in the woods by himself?" Kyle says, his eyes darting and dancing, extending the Look until it's nearly unbearable. He refers to himself as somewhere between Bigfoot and the Blair Witch. Clark tries to offer a hand to introduce himself, but Kyle already knows who he is. He reads The Advocate. Clark asks how he knows him. "I live in a trailer, not a cave," Kyle says. How anti-Taliban of him. Clark wants to know what happened with the Lana/horse incident. And not the one on the internet. Kyle Radley says she was thrown off her horse and he was just trying to help. He also says that if he wanted to explain himself all the time, he'd get a job. That line almost makes some sort of sense. As Kyle moves to the door to go inside, Clark asks why he's so unfriendly. The man says he's not interested in friends. Or Frasier and Just Shoot Me for that matter. Clark whips out his Bag O' Many Platitudes (a Christmas gift from Bo) and says everyone needs a friend. Kyle says you don't because they always betray you in the end. Are we sure Kyle Radley isn't M.C. Hammer in disguise? Kyle goes inside.

The Beanery. Loud, expectedly crappy alt-rock music. Clark sits down across from Lana, who looks pretty healthy considering her concussion. She says she's okay and asks whether Clark is going to talk to the police. Clark, who is wearing tons of pink eyeshadow, says he spoke to Kyle instead. "You talked to that psycho?" we hear, and it's our favorite Aryan ideal, Jocko Whitney. Clark relays the Kyle conversation for Lana and Jocko. Jocko is, of course, as skeptical as if you'd told him that Metallica somehow doesn't rule. Jocko -- who is drinking coffee out of the biggest, froofiest white mug I've ever seen -- tells Clark that if he had gone to see Kyle, he would have "done something." Believe me, I'm sure Kyle Radley of the Gayest Look of the Episode would have welcomed it. Uncomfortable silence. Clark asks Lana if she remembers anything about the horse day. She doesn't. Clark says he has to get home. He says he's glad she's okay. She smiles. Jocko gives Clark a dirty look.

Clark gets up and who should be right there to meet him, but his favorite coffee "buddy," Lex Luthor. Lex says, "Well, that looked uncomfortable." Lex fills Clark in about Young Chris Isaak's move to buy the Kent farm, and how if that happened, Clark's family would be forever blue. At least until graduation day. Clark is skeptical that his dad would ever sell the farm. Lex warns that Young Chris Isaak is charismatic and dangerous. It's the Lex calling the Isaak...um, FABulous, I guess. Clark agrees, after a long look, to beware of the YCI.

YCI's office. Kyle Radley has shown up, just as YCI is downing a big glass of liquor. Is that all he does all day at work -- just downs bourbon? Kyle is mad because they had agreed that YCI could have the rest of the world, but was to leave Smallville alone. YCI says that it was a long time ago, and things have changed. Oh, Young Chris Isaak. You've changed your mind. Yawn. This is, again, a little boring. For once, I'm wishing somebody were starting fires with their mind or sucking the fat out of someone else on this show. Kyle threatens to expose YCI to the media. YCI has a great defense for that: you know, that whole mind-control thing. YCI says that he's been honing his skill for the past nine years while Kyle hid in the woods. "Well, take my hand," Kyle offers. Kyle has a certain Michael Biehn quality. YCI's hand is goin' nowhere. "You've been warned," Kyle says, and walks out of the office.

Jocko gets up, smiling in his letterman jacket, and exits The Beanery. Rock music is playing, but according to the closed captioning, it's supposed to be Nelly Furtado's "Turn Off the Lights." For once, I'm glad it's the crappy alt-rock. Jocko sees Clark and Kyle run into each other on the street. Clark asks what he's doing there. "Just registering a complaint," Kyle says. One thing: if Clark was coming from The Beanery, why is he across the street and walking from a different direction? Is he going window shopping in the town square or something in the middle of the night? Jocko looks mad, and he walks over. Clark is asking Kyle what's up, and Kyle tells him, in a very nice and charming way, to mind his own business. Jocko comes up and starts some static with Kyle. "And what's your problem?" Kyle asks. Kyle is like your cool uncle who always says the right thing at the right moment. Jocko threatens to mess Kyle up real good if he does anything to Lana again. "I've got my eye on you," Jocko says. Again, I'm sure Kyle appreciates that. Jocko walks off. Clark offers Kyle a ride home. "Why are you being so nice to me?" Kyle asks. Why, indeed. Clark says he thinks Kyle is good, just not a people person. Kyle says he has to stop and get groceries. "No problem," Clark says. Ooh, shopping together! Doesn't Clark have, like, chores or something to do? When was the last time he tossed a bale of hay in this beeyatch?

As Clark and Kyle go off on their little whipped-cream-and-tarts run, Young Chris Isaak -- a solitary man standing outside his own office -- calls out for Jocko. Young Chris Isaak goes over and asks whether Jocko is having a problem with Kyle. Kyle and Clark are totally within earshot (what happened to Clark's super-hearing?). Jocko says that the guy was messing with his girlfriend. YCI introduces himself. "Maybe I can help," he says, as he takes Jocko's hand into his own. Green glowy handshake. Jocko's blank eyes seem to glow green for a second.

That awkward moment when you're dropping off your date. Clark is dropping Kyle off at his trailer. Clark complains that Kyle doesn't talk much. Come on, Kyle, communicate! Tell Clark your hopes, your dreams, your dirty little desires. Clark asks why Kyle was at YCI's office. Kyle counters, "Why were you at YCI's office?" Clark, who was totally coming from the opposite direction as that office (and never made it there, it seems) says he heard a rumor the guy wants to buy his farm. "Stay away from him," Kyle says. Hey, jealousy! Clark asks Kyle if he misses living a regular life. "Some people weren't meant to live a regular life, Clark," he says. He gets out of the truck -- no kiss or anything -- and says, "Thanks." Clark, looking disappointed, sighs and turns the truck around to leave.

Kyle goes to his trailer door. As he's about to unlock the door, he notices something in the window reflection. He turns just in time to have the grocery bag (it's just cucumbers, bananas, and whipped cream, anyway) knocked out of his arm by Jocko, who's wielding a baseball bat. Jocko swings again as Kyle ducks and dodges. Jocko gets a piece of the trailer door.

Clark driving. He notices Jocko's truck along the wide of the dirt road. (This would be Jocko's third or fourth truck what with all those accidents, right?) Clark gets out; says, "Whitney," for those of us that didn't get it; and rushes back down the path.

Back to Jocko, Kansas Enrager. He's swinging the bat wildly and finally catches Kyle in the torso. Kyle gets the bat, but Jocko is right there, grabbing a piece of flaming wood. He swings it as I hear "Fire, BAD!" in my head. Kyle gets Jocko in the stomach with the bat and rears up to take a swing at Jocko's back. Clark enters the frame at blur speed and gets between the bat and Jocko. We go to Bullet-Time as the bat hits Clark in the neck and shatters. Pieces of the wood bat come flying at us. Didn't we just see this last week with a mace? Can I make my request for week's show? Let's see Clark shatter a block of ice, Karate Kid-style. Clark punches Kyle in the stomach, knocking him about ten feet and against the trailer door. Shouldn't Kyle be dying of internal bleeding and shattered everything right about now? Clark goes to help a stooped-over Jocko, who is coughing. Clark's patented, serious "We're going to commercial" look. And we do.

I'd just like to say that if any of you pay money to go see Collateral Damage, you're not allowed to read my recaps anymore.

The Smallville trailer park of one. Kyle is getting his head ducked into a police car. Obviously, in a scenario like this, things go wrong. Clark and Jocko are leaning against a second police car. Bo walks up to them and says, in case we are drooling idiots, that Kyle is getting booked for assault. "So what happened?" he asked. Well, after The Dukes of Hazzard, you kind of tooled around, found God, portrayed Michael Landon in a TV film, and hosted (I'm not making this up) Honey, I'm Pregnant Too! A Pregnancy Guide for Men (1999). Now, you're on Smallville. I'd say you pretty much owe The WB your child. Jocko tells Bo that he saw Kyle Radley in town and then came out to "talk." If by "talk" you mean "introduce Mr. Femur to Mr. Louisville Slugger." Bo is skeptical. Jocko, no longer under the effect of the hypno-handshake, is dumb enough still to believe it all makes sense. Bo asks Clark what happened. Clark says he did see Jocko get clocked, but that Kyle says he was attacked first. Clark is nothing if not loyal to his boyfriends. Jocko gets annoyed and asks why he would do that. Clark shakes his head and says that none of it makes sense. Hey, Clark. Did a single moment of "Hothead" make sense to you? Jocko gets really annoyed, especially after Bo tells him to calm down. He calls Kyle a "freak" and accuses Clark of making things up. He does an angry pausing look, then broods off to go brood with his broody friends at their coffee and brood-biscotti shop.

Some welcome hip-hoppy-flavored white-boy ska is playing as we get a quick exterior shot of Smallville High, then go inside to see Chloe checking out the front page of the Ledger. She's wondering how the hermit became Public Enemy #1. Wanna take a line there, Pete? "Something must have made him snap," Pete says. Yeah -- like not getting any good lines or subplots on the show for weeks. If you snap, Pete, I think we'll all forgive you. Clark says he thinks Young Chris Isaak is behind all this. Despite what happened with Jocko, for Clark, nothing's changed. Chloe calls Kyle their "rural Rodin." I used to think "The Thinker" just needed a roll of toilet paper. Clark asks Chloe to try to find a connection between the two men. Try IMDb.com, Chloe. It's faster that way. Wanna take another line, Pete? "What do you think they have in common?" Pate asks. Chloe jokes about the difference in their grooming habits. You're one to talk, Flippy the Flippery Hair Flip Flip-Perpetrator.

Just as the gang is having a good laugh, Lana -- wearing a dark pink top over a white blouse -- walks in looking angry. Wait, is that an emotion I see? Oh, man. Somebody call Entertainment Tonight! Lana must have had all of her Botox sucked out. She glares at everyone and asks Pete and Chloe if they can excuse her and Clark. Wanna take a third line there, Pete? He opens his mouth, but says nothing. Well, you had had your chance. Lana opens up her mouth and fire comes out. She says that Clark accused Jocko of attacking Kyle. Sounding really rational and calm in the face of unwarranted bitchiness, Clark says that he just had questions about what happened. Lana explains that Jocko can get "a little overzealous," but that his heart's in the right place. Clark says he doesn't think Kyle Radley would do such a thing. Lana gets mad because Clark's gone out with the guy on, what, one shopping date and he thinks he knows all there is to know about this rugged, mysterious Tom Wopat of the Woods? Lana says Jocko wouldn't attack anybody. "He strung me up in a field," Clark says. Oh, yeah. How quickly we forget, Ms. Botox. Lana "exhales sharply" according to my closed captioning. She asks if this is what it's all about. "You haven't forgiven him," she says. Well, damn, girl! Let's string you up in a cornfield and see how quickly you want be a guest on Forgive and Forget. Clark says he thinks there's something else going on. Lana says he's just looking for an excuse to "knock Whitney." Do people still say "knock" like that? And didn't Clark just push Lana back into Jocko's arms last week? Ungrateful little snipe. "If you don't like him, just say it. Don't pretend to be his friend," she says. When did Clark ever do that? She walks off. I smile because her scene is over. Thus ends Lana's emoting for the year.

Kent Farm. The barn. Last week, it was Clark's bachelor pad. This week, it's full of manure that Bo is shoveling into a wheelbarrow. A shovelful lands on the nice shoes of Young Chris Isaak. Hey, YCI, where's your sequined cowboy suit? YCI says he didn't like those shoes much anyway. He offers his hand and an introduction. Bo shakes, but he's wearing work gloves. Surprised music plays when that happens. Bo says he knows the guy is after his farm and that he's persuasive, but that there's no chance Bo will sell. At that, YCI raises his eyebrows until they're actually behind him. Bo Duke goes on to say that he's not interested in money (he wouldn't be a farmer if he was) and that if the guy will excuse him, he's got some real work to do. So shoveling manure is his hobby? Young Chris Isaak shrugs and pretends he's leaving. He waits until Bo turns around and throws his gloves down on a table to fake like he fell and twisted his ankle. He asks Bo to give him a hand up. Their hands connect. The scary music plays. Green hand glow.

Oh, man. Somebody call David Fincher and sue this crap. We go into Bo Duke's right blue eye and into his cerebral cortex or wherever it is his torrid affair with Daisy Duke is stored. Lightning. Synapses. Seen it. Own the DVD. Green-glowing cerebellum. We back out of his other eye, which is now tinted green. It's still just a handshake, no matter how much CGI you throw at it. Bo, with his big-ass wrinkles, is hypnotized. Young Chris Isaak asks if Bo's sure he won't change his mind. Ooh, you're bad, YCI. It's wrong to love you.

Inside the Kent kitchen. Bo Duke has signed the farm away. MamaKent is pissed, asking how he could do it without telling her first. She's not as hysterical as you'd expect, though. Maybe she secretly wants to live in a condo. Clark walks in during this one-sided fight. He gets told what happened. "What? How?" he asks. Bo Duke looks guilty as all get-out. Somebody's crying. And I think it's Bo. "Oh, please return to me," he thinks of Kent Farm. Bo says he doesn't remember what happened. MamaKent says she already called their lawyer (she's the go-to phone person, remember?) and was told "The Devil made me do it" defense won't hold up in court. How about the "My name is O.J. and I didn't do it" defense? Clark asks how it happened. Bo tries to remember, but he only knows there was a discussion, a handshake, and a signed contract. Clark says he knows someone who can help. Bo balks at asking Lex Luthor for help. MamaKent puts the smack down. She says Bo is out of options. Bo rubs his eye, the one with all the synapses. He is a broken, broken man.

The Beanery, again. Clark walks by Lana and Jocko, who are talking intimately; they give him a cold glance. Clark walks on with two cups of coffee in plain white mugs. "Ouch," Lex says, and asks what that was all about. Clark explains. Lex says, out of nowhere, "So, you're Atticus?" Clark is blank. "Atticus Finch. To Kill a Mockingbird," he says. Clark must be one illiterate fool not to have read that book. Lex says Clark should read it and that Clark and Atticus are both small-town heroes who believe in the truth. I see Clark as more the Scout type. Clark asks how it ends. "It's not about the ending. It's about the journey." Ah, I see Lex didn't finish it, either. How hard is it to say, "Boo Radley turns out not to be so bad after all"? Clark glances back at Jocko and Lana. "What kills me is I know that I'm right," he says. Clark, get used to that feeling if you plan to work for a newspaper someday. Lex says the key to leadership is not only knowing you're right, but convincing everyone else. Clark moans about the family farm. Lex says the good news is that they got three times market value for the farm. The bad news is that the contract is iron-clad. That must have cost a lot at Kinko's. Lex says it's going to take a lot of lawyers, but luckily, he's got an army of them. Lex and Clark exchange girlish, smiling glances. Lex and Clark wonder what YCI said to get Bo to convince him to sell the farm. Maybe it was "I'm going to tell people about Honey, I'm Pregnant Too! A Pregnancy Guide for Men (1999)." Lex is mad that this guy bought the farm when Lex's overtures were turned down. Lex asks whether Clark thinks there's something more to this than mere persuasiveness on Young Chris Isaak's part. Clark suddenly gets up and announces that he's going to jail. He doesn't mention whether he plans to collect $200 on his way.

The lair of Young Chris Isaak. A deputy arrives asking whether YCI had some sort of problem. YCI gets up and does his handshake magic. "I need you to take care of an old friend," he says.

An old friend in jail. Kyle is sitting on the floor, back against the bars, looking as if he's trying to balance his checkbook in his head. Another jail guy (not the deputy) walks in and tells Kyle to get on his feet because he has a visitor. Jail cell is opened. Kyle goes out. When the jail guy tries to put handcuffs on Kyle, the green glow thing happened. What I want to know is how Kyle built up his powers all those years. Was he talking bunnies into scampering extra-hard in the woods?

Outside the jailhouse on the street. Kyle, in a jail outfit, is walking right in the middle of the street, in whatever is the opposite of "inconspicuous." "Kyle!" we hear. Clark somehow recognized him. Must be the ass. Kyle turns around to face Clark. Just then, Hypnotized Deputy pull out a gun and fires. "Nooo!" Clark yells as a bullet flies past his head in slow motion. Clark, faster than a CGI bullet, races ahead to meet it. Even though things have slowed to Bullet-Time, smoke is still billowing in the background at near-normal speed. Oops. Clark gets to Kyle and tackles him out of the way. We don't see where the bullet landed. Hypno-Cop keeps firing, flattening police tires paid for with your tax dollars! (If you live in Vancouver, that is.) Hypno-Deputy goes over, but Clark and Kyle are gone. Hypno-Deputy looks puzzled. We go to commercial.

Victoria's Secret is advertising on this show again. I finally saw Michael Rosenbaum in drag in Sweet November. And Sorority Boys is coming out soon. Coincidence?

Stately Luthor Manor. We know this because we're watching the bubbling fountain outside. Inside, Kyle is laid out on what looks like a psychiatrist's couch. A doctor who looks like a cross between Riff Raff from Rocky Horror and Chris Elliot's character in Scary Movie 2 is administering the kind of doctorly care where he just looks concerned and hovers over the patient. He's wearing an earring and pulled-back sunglasses and is so scraggly that scraggly people are considering boycotting this show because of the overly scraggly portrayal of the scraggly doctor in this show. Kyle, wearing a gray tank top, looks peaceful. Lex asks how bad it is. The tank top? "It's no worse than when Ozzy snorted that row of fire ants down in Queensland," the doctor answers. What? Is this guy on a whole other show? Ozzy? Fire ants? What? Clark, concerned, goes over to Lex and asks if the guy is a real doctor. "He was," Lex says, explaining that the doctor (Feelgood!) is now an on-call specialist for celebrities (in Kansas?) and billionaire sons. Clark asks how Lex knows the guy. "Long story," Lex says. "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?" Dr. Feelgood asks. I love this guy. "Finish sewing," Lex answers. Lex further explains that Dr. Toby Feelgood is discreet. Lex asks why Clark thought he would harbor a fugitive. Clark says his parents would have freaked. "You're the only one I could trust," Clark says. Trust, trust, TRUST! "It's easier than that knife wound of yours," Dr. Feelgood says suddenly. "Club Zero? Remember? You bled all over my Mustang." Damn, the episode about Club Zero cannot come soon enough. Who wants to bet that Lex knows the words to every New Order and Erasure song? Clark smiles weakly. Lex asks if they can talk to Kyle now. Dr. Feelgood packs up his things and says that Kyle will be conked out till the morning. "My usual payment?" the good doctor asks. "Brown bag on my desk," Lex says. Clark just stares Dr. Feelgood down, and not in a good way. Dr. Feelgood leaves. "You'd better get home. It's late," Lex says to Clark. Where's Boobs McChesty in all this? Not that I'm complaining about her lack of screen time, but did Dr. Feelgood conk her out first? "Atticus," Lex says, stopping Clark as he's leaving. "You may want to change your shirt." Good lord, I think he's going to do it in front of Lex! Clark looks down at his shirt and then walks out of the room. Lex sighs -- in disappointment, I think.

The Fortress of Barnitude. Clark, looking exhausted and wearing a different shirt (thank you, Lex) walks upstairs and finds Lana there. Clark doesn't seem happy to see her. She says she was freaked out that Kyle escaped from jail. Clark says Kyle's not going after anybody. "How do you know?" she asks. "I just do," he answers tersely. Lana apologizes for bothering him, and goes to leave. Clark asks why she'd walk to his farm if she was worried about being attacked. Lana says she was hoping Clark changed his opinion. Sternly, Clark says that if she's looking for an apology, she's out of luck. Clark has that flippant, after-sex dismissiveness going. Again, thank you, Lex. "Clark!" Lana begins, using Chapter 4 of Acting for Semi-Literates as a reference, "He. Escaped. From jail! You have to admit, it looks pretty bad!" Clark says she's wrong, but that he can't explain why. "What do you care?" he asks. Lana says that she wanted to clear the air and preserve their friendship, but now she doesn't know why she bothered. Because you want to get with The Clark. Everybody knows it. Clark looks conflicted. Lana goes back to get withering notes from her acting coach. Some day she's going to need a Greta Van Susteren-style surgery job to return to her preternaturally pretty ways.

The Beanery. Now their mugs are labeled "Smallville Beanery" with a picture of a cup of coffee on them. Somebody in the props department needs a good ass-kicking. A cup of coffee with a big frothy head of steamed milk and some cinnamon on the top is served to a waiting Lex. He blows, of course, but before he can drink, Young Chris Isaak is standing before him, purring, "Hey, Lex." I wonder why YCI is so mean. Maybe things went wrong and somebody left him on his own. Maybe he's just lonely with a broken heart. YCI offers his hand for a shake. Lex scoffs, which is impressive because pulling off a good scoff is not easy. YCI cheerfully tells Lex that this Art of War stuff is for amateurs. "It's not that," Lex says, deliciously. "I just don't like you." YCI takes his hand back and rubs his fingers together. He follows Lex, who is walking away. Lex and YCI sit down to talk about the Kents' protest over the farm buyout. YCI says that he recognizes LuthorCorp lawyers when he sees them. YCI asks Lex why he cares so much about the fate of Kent farm. Lex says that Smallville is his home and the Kents are his friends. "Well, with friends like you, Lex..." Young Chris Isaak begins. On his way out, YCI puts a hand on Lex's shoulder. "Don't touch me," Lex says. Lex also tells YCI that Kyle escaped from jail. "Why do you assume we're old friends?" YCI asks. Lex says it's just a rumor. YCI, frowning, asks whether Lex knows him. Lex says he's never met the man, but will pass on his regards when he does. It's not as fun when we know the way in which Lex is being cryptic.

On his way out, again, YCI runs into Clark and Chloe. Chloe slips past, but Clark confronts him, asking how he got his dad to sign the contract. YCI calls him "the Kent boy," and says he's just a good businessman. He offers a handshake. Clark takes it, but instead of a green glow, we hear crackling in the hands. Oh, now The WB can't afford a cheesy special effect? Clark looks placid as YCI frowns. YCI pulls his hand away in pain. Clark, with his Mona Lisa smile, walks past him.

Chloe, sitting in a booth with Clark and Lex, shows off her research. Turns out Kyle and YCI were business partners in the mid-'80s. She says they were Salesmen of the Year for three years until YCI started his own company and Kyle "went Walden." Chloe shows off another news clipping about two salesmen trapped in a car during the famous Smallville meteor shower. Lex says they should ask Kyle about it. "What, you know where he is?" Chloe asks. Lex just smirks.

Daytime at Stately Luthor Manor. Lex walks into a bedroom with Chloe and Clark. But it's not what you think. They're looking for Kyle, who is not in his bed. An Asian woman in a purple nurse outfit is sitting by the bed. "Where's Kyle?" Lex asks. "Who?" she answers. I don't get this scene at all. Who's this lady?

Still daytime. Kyle's trailer. He's walking out just as Chloe and Clark are walking up to the mobile home. Chloe asks what happened to Kyle and Young Chris Isaak during the meteor shower. Clark asks how the guy got his dad to sell the farm. Kyle, who is wearing a Clark-style red sweater under his coat, starts to tell his woeful story. Bad salesmen. Kryptonite. Handshakes of great persuasion. Dreams of world domination. Chloe asks how long this power lasts. "Until the person does what I tell them to do," Kyle says. He explains that the person will do what he says until they're forcibly stopped. They'll come out with no memory of their actions. Chloe, bold, asks him to prove it. She says that if the guy was that persuasive, he'd sell some of his crappy statues. "It's dangerous," Kyle says. "I'm used to living on the edge," she answers. On the edge of what, Sesame Street? Kyle takes Chloe's hand. Green glow goodness. "You have feelings for Clark, don't you, Chloe?" he says. Clark raises his eyebrows comically. "You see him and you want him." Well, yeah. I mean, she's human, right? Kyle tells her she can show Clark how she feels. Green eyes glowing, Chloe runs her hands up Clark's torso, pulls his lapels to her and kisses him full on the mouth. It's a closed-mouth kiss, but still. Clark is surprised. Kyle looks amused. Chloe finally pulls away and looks to Kyle. "Okay. Come on. I'm ready." She asks Clark why he's looking at her funny. And why her mouth tastes minty. Moment of realization. "Don't worry. It was...fine," Clark says. I bet that was Lex's mint on his breath. Kyle starts to leave. Clark asks him why he lived in the wood alone. Turns out he was scared he wouldn't be able to control his power and would end up like Young Chris Isaak, with a crap show on Showtime. Kyle says YCI wants to kill Kyle because Kyle threatened to expose YCI. Kyle says he never did anything because he didn't feel it was his problem if it happened outside Smallville. Clark says he understands what it's like to hide from the world because of your powers. But he says you can't hide because you have a gift. Aw.

Lex's home office. YCI walks in. Lex asks how he got in. YCI says the guard at the front is a nice guy. YCI tells Lex he can call off his lawyers; he's giving up the Kent farm because Smallville just isn't worth the trouble. Lex says, "Okay. Thanks for stopping by," which is what one of my old bosses would say when I would leave at the end of the day. YCI offers his hand in truce. Lex, lapsing into dumbness for once, looks at the hand, considering. We break for suspense and for commercials. Will Lex shake someone's hand? Oh, man, I just don't know!

Dusk. Route 7 barn-looking gas station. Clark is at a phone booth. He's calling Lex to say that Kyle wants to go public with the Young Chris Isaak story. Lex says he's coming to pick him him. "Where are you?" he asks.

thing we know, it's nighttime, and a Mercedes with LX LTHR plates is pulling up. So, Clark and Kyle have been sitting in plain sight at the parking lot of an empty gas station all this time. Yes, very inconspicuous. Lex gets out of the car as Clark and Kyle go meet him. Lex says he talked to friends at the Daily Planet and The Inquisitor. He wants to know if Kyle is willing to talk to them. Kyle says he will. Lex tells them to get into the car while he "fills up." At an empty, dark gas station? They get in. Lex swipes a card at the automated pump. (What gas station has one pump, but with a credit card swiper?) Lex flicks his car remote and locks the doors. "Leeex?" Clark purrs from within. Lex starts spraying gasoline all over his car from the pump. "What's going on?" Clark asks. Lex pulls out a lighter in response. He sets the car on fire. "[Young Chris Isaak] got to him!" Kyle yells. Oh, you think? Clark kicks out the passenger door and gets out of the flaming car. Then he rips off Kyle's door and pulls him out. They run. The car explodes behind them in blockbuster-movie fashion. The car flips in the air and crashes down again. That was the fastest car explosion ever. Thank you, Mr. Film Editor. While Lex is admiring his handiwork, Clark picks up Kyle over his shoulder and super-speeds it away. "Clark. You have some explaining to do," Lex says slowly.

Another nice car pulls up. It's Young Chris Isaak, again disappointingly minus the sequined suit. "What just happened?" he asks Lex. Lex says he has his suspicions. YCI gets mad at Lex for not getting the job done. "Failing isn't something I do," Lex tells him. Neither is Pilates. YCI uses a handkerchief to wipe off an Uzi he just conveniently carries around, and gives it to Lex. "Just in case," he says. Lex takes the gun and walks off as YCI grins.

Inside a body shop. It looks like the same one from the "Metamorphosis" episode. "I always knew you were keeping secrets from me, Clark," Lex calls out, "but I never thought they were this good." Clark is shown hiding behind a car. Lex finds Kyle, who is "hidden" under a light. Nice going with the hiding place there, Kyle. You may be persuasive, but you're not very bright. Lex grabs Kyle and slams him against the car. Lex says he's going to shoot the guy. Clark pops out and calls Lex's name. "There you are!" Lex says, grinning wildly. This was a close runner-up for the Gayest Look of the Episode. "Don't do this. I'm your friend," Clark says. "Oh, please," Lex tells him. You go, Lex! Lex complains that people in town and Clark's parents look at him as a freak. "You're no different," he tells Clark. He says friendship is a fairy tale. Clark says that he's only doing this because of YCI. "You can learn a lot from someone you hate," Lex says. Lex cocks the Uzi and, in slow motion, fires at Clark. Bullet-Time is here again. Clark starts dodging slow bullets as they smoke-trail past him. A window crashes behind Clark. More bullets. Lex is grinning, doing the stereotypical mobster tommy gun grimace. Two bullets hit Clark. He turns around, and more bullets hit his back. Pop, pop, pop. Clark got some caps popped in his ass. Lex walks over to Clark, kicks him over. Clark is still alive. Lex points the gun at Clark's neck. Clark kicks Lex into some shelves, bringing them crashing down.

Outside, Young Chris Isaak is staying in his car, instead of walking down there to the auto shop. He cocks a silver gun. Gets out. Kyle comes up from behind and grabs his gun hand. "Hello, Bob!" Kyle Radley says cheerfully. Their four hands lock. Much green glowing. YCI's eyes are glowing green.

Inside, Clark is checking on an unconscious Lex.

Outside. Close-up on a gun slowly pivoting.

Inside, Clark and Lex. Clark turns as he hears a gunshot.

Back outside. Clark runs over, at normal speed, and sees Kyle standing over the dead body of Young Chris Isaak. It's the end of everything for him. "I always was the better salesman," Kyle says. Ew. Grim. "Are you okay?" Clark asks, calmly. Kyle smiles and nods. Man, they're getting so blas about death in this town. Kyle says he saw Clark get shot. Clark starts to fumble/explain. Kyle tells him not to bother. "Just don't hide in the woods like I did," he says. "You got a gift. Use it to do great things. I think I'll do the same with mine." This is the most positive spin anybody's put on a suicide since Hitler.

Naked Clark back. The camera glances at Clark's shoulder as MamaKent is patting him with a washcloth. "I can't believe each one of these is a bullet," she says, referring to some dark bruises he's got. Oh, did Lex hurt you? You can tell us. Or did you "fall down" the stairs? It's okay if your name is Luka, Clark. You do live on the second floor of the barn. Bo says that the bruises at least answer "that" question. (About being bulletproof.) Bo looks at a newspaper headline about the suicide. Clark says it's weird that he got shot by his best friend. At least he didn't try to say it was ironic. And how cool is it that Lex has been promoted to "best friend"? Somewhere out there, Pete is crying. Bo asks where Clark thinks Kyle went. He says he thinks Kyle is out there trying to help people in the world. By selling Amway. Just then Lana comes in, without even knocking. What, were you raised in a barn? Oh, wait -- maybe she was. Bo and MamaKent excuse themselves.

Clark tells Lana he wasn't sure if they were talking. Lana says the Kyle thing isn't important, and that one fight isn't worth their friendship. "Yeah, me too," Clark says. He smiles. She smiles. What happened to, "If you want an apology, you're out of luck"? Clark says he thought their friendship was over. "You and me are gonna be friends for a very long time," Lana says. Well, at least until he meets Lois Lane. More smiles. "Did Chloe really kiss you?" Lana asks. Clark looks a little embarrassed. He says nothing.

The Barnness of Fortitude. Lex launches another round of slash fiction by showing up there, where Clark is sitting by the window. Lex tells Clark to tell Bo that because of YCI's death, the contract for the farm can be broken. The telescope is positioned directly between them, horizontally, in a bizarrely phallic way. Clark thanks Lex. "Hey, what are friends for?" Lex asks. Lex says he doesn't remember what happened, and asks if he hurt Clark last night. Not unless it was Clark's first time. You know, taking bullets. Clark taps his chest in a "hey, you can't hurt me, luvah" way. Lex walks to the window and looks out. He says he wonders where Kyle is. Clark says it's weird to think Kyle and Young Chris Isaak were once best friends. They look off at what might, in another place, be a blue Spanish sky. "Think we'll ever end up like that?" Clark asks, turning to Lex. "Trust me, Clark. Our friendship is gonna be the stuff of legend," Lex answers. If it was anyone else on this show delivering that line, a giant cheese anvil would have fallen. Lex and Clark smile. We cut to a shot behind them, panning back, as they look out the window, the naughty telescope between them. Fade to credits.

This week, The WB wants to sell you three crappy CDs instead of just two. You're welcome.

week: somebody absorbs Clark's powers. Does he also get Lex's love?