Nice Not to See You

S01E10

By Omar G

It's Tuesday night. Gilmore Girls is over. And my Gaydar is back from the shop. Time for some Smallville, folks.

Somebody call Blink 182, because some crappy alt-rock band just stole their sound for the schoolyard-based opening. And while you're at it, call Green Day and tell them Blink 182 stole their act. Then call Nirvana, then the Pixies, The Ramones, The Beatles, and hell, just get Chuck Berry on the line. There's some stealin' going on. Students mill about in front of a banner, and there is at least the relief that they got rid of that front-facing stock footage of Smallville High that's plagued the show like a particularly virulent...um, plague, I guess. We've got us some new footage, people. Bad rock music makes me see blood, so it's appropriate that we go to a big sign for the Red Cross. Pete, in a blinding red hooded shirt, is talking to a woman in a strange, mottled purple jacket, but it's okay because she's only on screen for a second; she's holding a clipboard that just screams, "I am an official something-or-other." Pete turns around in time to see the man who will be the Man of Steel, but who for now is merely the Boy of Very Hard Plastic, Clark Kent. Clark is walking with the girl he likes, Lana Lang, and they're talking about the blood drive, which Lana is chairing. You mean they let a high-school kid be in charge of a bunch of needles and mass quantities of human fluids? At my high school, I don't even think they let us use staplers. Lana says it was a good way to get out of gym class. You know, the place where Clark uses his x-ray vision to watch Lana undress in the locker room? Good move, Lana. Pete calls over to Clark and tells him that it's time for them to hit the showers. Clark -- who is wearing a hideous yellow "Property of Smallville High" shirt under his red hooded uniform (same as Pete's) -- looks to Pete for a long moment, and they share a Babe-like moment of understanding. Showers. Right. Clark tells Lana goodbye, and it's off to the steamy showers for the pretty, pretty boys.

A blonde girl in the bleachers who looks like Drew Barrymore if Drew were liposuctioned about the face down to a Size 2, is writing frantically in a little bookish journal. The girl -- played by Azura Skye from Zoe, Duncan, Jack, and Jane (she was Michael Rosenbaum's sister) -- is wearing, strangely, fishnet stockings with a very Chloe-like black ensemble. Some mean boy comes over and swipes the journal. He taunts her. He flips through the pages. Just then, the girl's brother -- who looks like a mix of Sara Gilbert's boyfriend on Roseanne ["Johnny Galecki" -- Wing Chun] and that guy in your school who tried to make his hair look like Robert Smith's -- comes over and tells the guy to leave his sister alone. The brother used to be on Dead Last. The mean boy reveals that the sister is writing psycho love letters to Lex Luthor. Who? Isn't Lex way out of high school by now? I keep telling you he hangs around the school too much. LexStalka' Girl tells the mean boy that he's being a child. She says that it's because of boys like him that girls want a man like Lex. I thought it was because he's...well, Lex. And if lusting after Lex is wrong, then nobody in theSmallvilleforums is right. LexStalka' grabs back her love journal. Mean Boy keeps on talking, saying that just because her parents clean Lex's toilet doesn't mean he'll slum with the help. I thought half the reason rich people hired help was so that they could have slummy affairs. Brother tells Mean Boy to leave her alone. When asked what he'll do about it if Mean Boy persists, Brother just walks away. Well, at least he did something. LexStalka' looks down at her journal with her ten-pound eyelashes after Mean Boy walks away, as he mutters, "Losers." She looks sad, or at least those huge falsies make it look that way.

Hey! Nice torsos! The torsos of which I speak belong to Pete and then Clark as they walk out of a steamy, hot shower room together. Man, this episode is already gayer than Spartacus. Pete, it must be said, has an unexpectedly toned chest. Clark, we expected, but Pete is like a nominee for Best Supporting Chest in this episode (an honor that will not be going to Lex's new girlfriend, I might add). As they're talking about the blood drive and walking back to the lockers, Clark feels a pain and groans. We round a corner to where Mean Boy is toweling off his hair. He's putting on a red and maroon shirt when one of his red shoes falls off a bench. He moves to pick up the shoe, and then a locker opens up to him. Pseudo-creepy music plays. "Very funny, guys," Mean Boy says, and just then one of his shoes rises up on its own and gets thrown against a locker. I know this is TV, but that shoe looked like it was being lifted by one of Ed Wood's fishing rods. Mean Boy gets slammed in the face by a locker. A dumbbell is lifted from a bench and levitates for a minute before coming right at us. It's almost in 3D if you rub your eyes really hard and then squint right at the screen. The barbell clocks Mean Boy in the chest. Then it hits him again, but never in the face. What, is this invisible assailant afraid to mess up Mean Boy's WB good looks? Mean Boy yells, "Stop it!" And suddenly it does. The barbell drops. Clark and Pete rush over, still skirt-wrapped in their yellow towels (what were they doing all this time if not getting dressed?). They ask what happened. Mean Boy says something attacked him. Something like a ghost. Something from a ghost story. Something that lies beneath. Something that awoke a sixth sense in him. Something that might be from a crappy movie about Mars. Pete and Clark walk forward, away from the steam that is clouding up the steamiest high-school locker room that ever was. Into that steam walks our barbell-swinging anti-hero. It turns out it's a borrowed special effect from Hollow Man -- the shape of a body forming in the steam. Cue the opening credits after we've been sufficiently awed by this moment of non-terrifying CGI.

From steam to gas: We come back to the inside of The Beanery. Clark and Chloe are getting cups of coffee from a counter lady who looks a little bit too happy about serving cappuccinos to ungrateful teenagers. Chloe, wearing a feathery purple coat that Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes threw out last year, asks Clark what happened with Mean Boy. Clark says that by the time he got there (after putting his towel back on and bucking Pete off), Mean Boy was already on the floor. Clark asks whether Chloe thinks the locker room is haunted. Chloe says she doubts it, unless the meteor rocks can conjure up the ghosts of dearly departed jockstraps. What is it with Chloe and jockstraps? She needs to go buy one and rest her curiosity about them once and for all. That can be her birthday gift from Clark.

Drama in the vicinity. Jocko Whitney is telling Lana that he doesn't have time to help her with the blood drive. Lana sounds frustrated. And not just about having to say her lines. She says that if he doesn't want to help, he should just say so. Jocko has his arms crossed using typical "I don't want to help your non-expressive, non-acting ass with anything right now" body language. Chloe watches, saying, "That isn't pretty," and engaging in the world's oldest game, Schadenfreude. She's right. It's not just pretty. It's preternaturally pretty. Jocko says he doesn't want to talk right now. Lana says Jocko's been avoiding her for a week. And she says she's worried. Jocko says she shouldn't be, and that he just needs some space. You all know that in jock-speak, "space" is just another word for "nookie that is not yours," right? Lana tells him that if he can't confide in her, she doesn't know why they're dating in the first place. So...they're...back together, then? You can never tell on this show. Lana walks off. Chloe and Clark pretend they weren't watching.

Lana comes over to Clark and Chloe's table. Clark plays it off, asking how she's doing. Lana says things aren't great, but she thanks them for the "courtesy clueless." Heh. That just reminded me that Alicia Silverstone has no career to speak of. Chloe asks whether donating a pint of blood each would cheer Lana up. If she's Kreukferatu, maybe. Lana cheerfully takes their names down on a clipboard (in this town, all you need is a clipboard to get blood out of people). Lana asks Clark about donating blood, and he suddenly looks alarmed. "I'm...not...sure," he manages, looking to Chloe for help. Chloe looks back, but doesn't have a clue what he's on about. "Can I get back to you?" he asks. Lana, more seriously, says that's fine. In her head, she's building a Clark/Jocko comparison chart. Clark offers to help out behind the scenes. You know, carry blood packets, poke people with needles, that sort of thing. Chloe gives him the old "Oh, I know where this is going" look. Lana says thanks and leaves, finally. Let the people drink their damn coffee already. Chloe compliments Clark on his "nice recovery," but asks if his helping has some ulterior motive. Hasn't his entire relationship with Lana been about being sweet for ulterior motives? Chloe seems Chloueless this week. Clark says he's just being a good friend. He takes a sip of coffee from a white cup. Chloe takes a sip from a huge, light-kryptonite-colored vase of a cup. This is the saddest coffee shop ever. They can't even afford matching beverage containers.

The castle of Lexitude. We start with a shot of a fish tank and...OH MY GOD! One of the fish is talking! She's telling her daddy that things are on schedule! Oh. Damn. Boobs McChesty walks into the shot holding a phone. I would have much rather listened to what the fish had to say. In her weird, high, pseudo-posh monotone, she says Lex is playing hard to get, but that she's sure he'll come around. Playing hard to get? Didn't he just bed her in the last episode in between trying to catch glimpses of Clark on his security cameras? Lex, for his part, is in the background, shooting pool on his red table. You know what Lex really needs? A crushed velvet robe. Boobs says goodbye to her daddy and relays a message. Daddy McChesty wants to know whether Lex plans to sell the castle after they sell out his father. Boobs sits on the edge of the pool table. I've just noticed something. For this entire scene, it looks like the camera is intentionally not showing her face. They're not ashamed of her, are they? Oh, heaven forbid! Lex asks whether Daddy wants to ship the castle back to Scotland. He comes over and kisses Boobs (on the mouth), and he is completely blocking her in the shot with his head. Oh, man, it is intentional! How fun! Cut to the back of her head as they kiss. They should put her behind a fence like the neighbor from Home Improvement.

Lex and Boobs are interrupted by a throat-clearing of the female variety. LexStalka' walks in carrying a tray of drinks. She must really be trying to impress Lex, because she's wearing a purple sweater of the shade Lex usually favors. Lex asks where her mother is. LexStalka' says she has the flu and asked her purple-wearing daughter to cover. Lex asks if she's met Boobs McChesty. LexStalka' says, "Not officially." She must post on our forums, because she looks like she wants to kill Boobs. Incidentally, if Cinemax made a show called Kill Boobs with the tagline, "These Boobs are lethal!" I bet they'd get a lot of viewers. Just call me, Cinemax. I've got a million ideas just like that. Lex tells LexStalka' that Boobs is going to be staying over for a while. LexStalka' immediately pitches the tray of drinks right on her legs (if she'd pitched them at her chest, the tray would have just bounced right back onto LexStalka'). Lex bends down to help clean. LexStalka' says she's sorry and smacks Boobs on her thigh, which is clad in black pants. Lex eyes them both for reactions, secretly thinking, "Mmm...this could be interesting. In a purely sexual way, of course. No emotional attachment of any kind." As LexStalka' is on her way out, Boobs whines, "She spilled that on purpose!" She pronounces "purpose" like she's saying "pop us." Lex asks LexStalka' if it was a mistake. "Sure," she says unconvincingly, and walks out of the room with the drink tray. Boobs tells Lex that the girl clearly has a thing for him. Hey, at least she's not after his empire. Lex tells Boobs he never figured her for the jealous type. Wait till she sees him around Clark. Lex tells Boobs that the girl's parents are a fixture in Metropolis, whatever that means. Boobs tells him to send them back, like a cheap J. Crew sweater vest.

LexStalka' walking across the outside of the Lex estate. "Were you just in the house?" a woman calls. It's her mother, picking strange light-green roses. LexStalka' doesn't answer. She goes straight inside. Mom, who has also been on the show Glory Days, follows. "I asked you a question," she says, walking into the stalker girl's tastefully decorated room. LexStalka's brother is there, immediately. "What's going on?" I'm getting a creepy Angelina Jolie's-brother-vibe from him. Mom tells the girl to stop bothering Lex. "If anyone's bothering him, it's that tramp!" the girl says in a strange, lisping voice. Maybe she's related to Nasty Nell. Mom tells her that even though they live on the Luthor estate, they're not part of that world. The brother hovers, creepily, trying to recite lyrics to Tool songs in his head. Mom says they have to know their place. "Don't worry, Mom," the brother says with so much assurance it's as if he's in an aspirin commercial, "we know exactly what our place is." He does a three-part smile that begins with no smile, then a half smile, then a full Joker. Mom gives them a worried Mom-of-Joker look and leaves. LexStalka' thanks her brother. "Just be careful," he tells her, and exits. LexStalka' pulls out a big clunky men's watch from her things and puts it on her wrist after kissing its face. We see a close-up of the watch: It's got a profile of Napoleon's head on it.

House of Kent. Clark is at a table, eating. They actually eat in this house! Who knew? MamaKent comes over and asks about a paper on the table. Clark tells her it's for a blood drive. Here comes Bo Duke to come piss all over Clark's good deed. "Now, Clark, you know you can't donate," he said. Oh yeah. The herpes. MamaKent suggests he say he has a problem with needles, which technically he does. Clark complains that he's going to look like a wuss. Trust me, Clark. There's no way anyone will think you're more of a wuss than they already do. Bo Duke sits down to Clark, putting a sly arm around his chair, and says, "I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this -- I guess you can't always be honest with people." Bo says it's one of the prices Clark pays for his abilities. Platitude alert! MamaKent asks if Lana's involvement had anything to do with Clark's plan to help out. Geez, Mom, you sure are living vicariously through your son's dating life, aren't you? Clark looks confused ("Oedipus, no!") and says Whitney dropped out. "So you thought you'd move in?" she says. No wonder they never give her any lines. She's domineering as all-get-out. Clark says that if Jocko can't see how great Lana is, he doesn't deserve her. MamaKent and Bo Duke exchange proud looks over their dopey son.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is on the ground, on all fours. But it's not exactly what you think or wish. He's looking under a sofa mattress. A door behind him opens. Ominous music plays. Lex looks up as something creeps behind him. He turns. "Looking for something?" Clark asks. He's holding a huge bouquet of white tulips. The closed captioning reveals the line was supposed to be, "Looking for something lethal?" Oh, man. It's too much! My gaydar explodes in a rainbow crescent of unbelievable HoYay! Clark looks at Lex, smiling over the tulips. This, my friends, is the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex gets up, to Clark's regret, and says he's looking for his watch. He compliments the tulips. "Yeah, you cleaned us out," Clark says. When did his farm start selling flowers? Didn't MamaKent and Bo Duke have to go buy flowers from Nell in the pilot episode? Clark says that if Lex wants more flowers, he'll have to call Holland. Lex briefly considers a debauched trip to Amsterdam with Clark. "Victoria's favorite," Lex says, sniffing one of the tulips. Suddenly, the flowers are slammed to the floor, and I'm thinking it's Clark reacting to the bit about Boobs, but it's actually our InvisiFriend. Lex and Clark both look scared. Lex gets up off his seat. "What was that?" he asks.

Computer screen. Somebody is logging in to LuthorCorp. And it ain't Lex. Manicured fingers are tapping on a keyboard, so you know it's Boobs McChesty. The hands type "Lex Luthor" as the login and then a password. The hand moves the touchpad over to "Acquisitions."

Back at the love scene that tulips built, Clark says, "You and Victoria must be getting pretty close." He does well in hiding the hysterical, jealous tone. "You seem surprised," Lex says, deliciously. "She just doesn't seem like your type," Clark says, his eyes blazing. Lex chuckles and says sometimes relationships aren't about love. Yeah, like this one time, I had an entire relationship based on custard. Lex says some are based on mutual goals. "Not every girl is Lana Lang," he says. Thank goodness. There'd be no acting awards of any kind for women. Clark plays off his inquisitiveness and admits it's none of his business. Well, damn, Clark, make it your business! Kiss him, you fool! Lex gets up (again) from picking up flowers and says he admires Clark's standards. If it's his standards he admires, why is he staring at Clark's ass? Lex immediately gets back on the floor to look for the watch. Clark tells him that he's decided to fight for Lana. Lex acts happy about that. He asks why. "I decided to take the advice of a friend," Clark says, putting a little too much force into the word "friend." I thought they were "buddies," not "friends." Lex smiles. Clark asks if Lex doesn't have another watch. He says he has hundreds, but this one was given to him by his mother before she died. Clark uses his x-ray vision to look around the room, but doesn't see the watch. He tells Lex that he doesn't see it. "What are you, part bloodhound?" Lex asks. No, but he knows a little bit about doggie-- you know what? Let me skip that joke. Clark says he lives on a farm and is good at finding needles in haystacks. Lex briefly considers finding Clark in a haystack with a needle. Clark offers to go check the library for the watch.

On the computer screen, charts for "Cadmus Labs" appear. We hear a door open. Clark walks in and catches a scared-looking Boobs looking guilty as hell behind Lex's desk and with her hands on the Apple laptop. She presses a three-key combination to log off. I think she just looked at the forums and realized nobody likes her. Clark looks like he's going to say something, but instead they hear a pounding sound from above. They run out of the room. Lex, in his crisp white shirt, sees Clark and Boobs in the hall. They run up a set of stairs. More pounding. They come to a room where a weird, unrealistic white light is emanating from the cracks around a door. The door is shaking in its frame. Lex and Clark inch forward. Lex touches the handle as the music crescendos, then fades. The light from the door fades, too. Boobs, breathing heavily, opens her mouth for a bit, but as is best for all concerned, she says nothing. Lex turns back to the door. He opens it, and a blast of white light hits him as something presumably rushes past, knocking Lex into Clark's arms. Love, love, LOVE! Clark and Lex exchange a look. Lex moves forward slowly, afraid to lose the moment. He walks into a black-lit room where pillow feathers are flying in the air. The black light makes his white shirt glow. Psycho music plays as they walk into the room. In Day-Glo colors, the words, "Leave Now" and "Go" are painted all over the room. Is this Boobs's room? It seems awfully small given her chest. Lex looks around, all stunned. Zoom in on Clark's face, then we go to commercial.

In the newsroom of The Torch, Chloe puts up a red photo of the word "Leave" on the Wall of Weird. She remarks that it doesn't leave a lot of room for interpretation. They talk about the night's events. Clark says it was weird, the door was shaking, and Lex felt something brush past him. You know, I'll let you in on a little secret: I've seen the rest of this episode, and they never explain why that funky white light was there or why there was shaking. Just so you know. Chloe suggests it might be a poltergeist. Clark says the cops think it's vandals. Rave vandals. Chloe smiles all of a sudden and asks about the blood drive. Clark says he and Lana are getting together that night at her place. "That's very romantic," Chloe says. Yeah. Hanging around the farm is practically Paris. Clark looks away. Awkward silence. Chloe saves it by reminding Clark that once you cross the friendship line, you can't hide behind the "Cloak of Friendship" anymore. She says slyly, "Proceed with caution." Okay, it's official. I don't hate Chloe anymore. She will never be as bad as Boobs McChesty.

Speaking of that tart, we find her on a leather couch with Lex, making out like she's in eighth grade. Oh, wait, maybe she is in eighth grade. That would explain a lot. The couch they're sitting on is this weird honey mustard yellow that looks like it belongs at a university or a doctor's waiting room. In walks my favorite magnificent bastard, John Glover as Papa Luthor. Papa tells Lex that he's disappointed. Lex, smiling, says it's good to see him, too. All the while, Boobs is rubbing Lex about the shoulders like she's some sort of horny hyena. Papa Luthor asks what Boobs is doing there. "Right now?" Lex smirks. "Working on my neck. But knowing her, I think that's just a start." Ew! You don't tell your dad stuff like that! Not even to piss him off. This family is turning into a V.C. Andrews novel. Papa chuckles. "Could this be...a PLOY! To GET my attention?" The way he says "ploy" is to stretch it out as if he's trying to hit the rafters with the word. God, I love John Glover. "Well done. It WORKed," he says. Lex tells Papa that not everything in his life revolves around his dad. Papa Luthor says, "So you're simply...being SWINdled," he says. Lex doesn't seem so chipper after that remark. Boobs protectively throws an arm around Lex. I don't think he needs protection from her unless he's stuck in the ocean and she's the only available flotation device. Papa Luthor asks if "Miss Hard Wick" will excuse them. Tee hee. Papa Luthor says they're going to have a chat about family loyalty. Boobs says that's fine, and that she's going to draw Lex and herself a "bawth." She kisses Lex, then gets up to leave. Ass shot of her walking away, but not before we get a good look at her boobs as she stands. How can objects I normally desire so much seem so disgusting to me like this? As she walks off, Boobs tells Papa Luthor that she'll send her father his regards. "Swell," Papa Luthor says simply. As Papa Luthor messes around on the liquor stand in the corner, I think I spot some blu botol bottles, just waiting for Lex.

The confrontation: Lex tells his dad that the thing with Boobs isn't really business. Papa counters, saying generations of Luthors would beg to differ. He says it's always business, especially when you're dealing with those Hardwicks. "Can't you SEE she was SENT to disTRACT you?" Papa Luthor bellows. He says Sir Harry has been nipping at Luthorcorp for months. Lex says he's just another employee of the company, as was made clear when he was sent to "this charming cow town." Again with the bellowing, Papa says that empires aren't destroyed from outside forces, they're brought down from weaknesses from within. Um, I think he's talking about you, Lex. Lex rolls his tongue in his mouth. "Smallville is your TEST! Right now, you're FAILing," Papa says. Lex tells him he knows what he's doing. Papa Luthor says Boobs is playing the only card she has, and Lex is falling for it. Lex says it's his personal life. "Not when it affects my COMpany," Papa Luthor says. Lex comes toward the camera, turning his back on Papa, and we see him in his ribbed form-fitting gray shirt, all fashionably conflicted. Nice torso, Lex. Papa comes over and stands behind Lex. He says that if Lex sells out his family, Lex will truly be alone in the world. Then he offers him a glass of what I think is sherry.

Just as the moment becomes most dramatic, it's instantly diffused by the giant acting suckhole that is Boobs McChesty. She's standing in the hall listening against the door, but I don't see how that's possible because I can't imagine her fitting through a doorway with those things on her chest. She's interrupted in mid-spying by LexStalka', who apologizes for catching her doing a naughty thing. It looks like Boobs is going to say something, but once again, the show crew does us proud by cutting her scene off and making her look supremely stupid. So, huzzah!

Luthor Manor courtyard. LexStalka's brother sees his sister crying, walking across the lawn. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Her! What do you think?" she yells, and walks off. The brother looks sad.

The house without acting lessons. Lana and Clark are on the porch, going through their paperwork and a clipboard to schedule the blood drive. Clark says they're done. "You're kidding," Lana says, "everything?" Clark says they own the town. Lana says they never found a time for Clark to donate blood. He confesses that he has a thing about needles. Lana says his secret is safe. Lana thanks Clark, Clark admires Lana's extracurricular activities, blah blah blah flirtcakes. Lana says that Jocko hasn't been around much lately. Clark tells her that if she really wants to thank him, she won't bring up Jocko Whitney. Wow. Bold move. Lana looks as surprised as she's capable of expressing and finally says, "Fair enough." Clark asks if she thinks it's weird that his dad and Nasty Aunt Nell used to date. Lana says Nell doesn't talk about it much. Back in those days, they were always on the run from Boss Hogg. Lana says she thinks Nell took the breakup hard. Clark makes a clumsy segue to say that he's just glad he and Lana are so close. Lana agrees. Lana says that's the thing about Clark: he's not always there when you want him, but he's always there when you need him. Man, if they had a baby, it would be the most platitude-spouting child in creation. Clark sits to Lana, very close. "It's a fine distinction," he says. "You're the one who's helping me with the blood drive," she says. "I am," Clark says. They lean in. "You're the one who listens," she says. "I do," he answers. Lean in some more. "You're the one who's here," she whispers. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah," Lana agrees. They lean in close, and they're right about to kiss. Of course, Nasty Nell has to come out and spoil it. She asks Clark the time. He says he guesses it's pretty late. "Smart kid," Nell says, and goes back inside. Lana clears her throat. The moment's gone. Lana packs up her stuff to go inside. Clark asks abruptly if she's ever seen the sunset from his loft. Lana says, "Yes," too quickly, then corrects herself by saying all sunsets are unique. Man. Corny. They're perfect for each other. (At least, they would be if not for Lex.) They make a date to see the sunset the day. Then they say goodnight. Somewhere, Lex's purple underwear is tingling.

Smallville High. Pete and Clark are walking down the stairs; behind them, a big, metallic-looking bird is painted on the wall. It has a cape and an "S" emblazoned on a crest on its chest. Wisconsin called. They want their cheddar back. Pete marvels at the sunset gambit Clark employed with Lana. He suggests Clark start scripting out his lines for the night now. Clark says he'd rather wing it -- fly by the seat of his pants. "Clark, you're not the flying type," Pete says. Wisconsin just sent a letter asking if we got their phone message. Pete scampers off, saying he'll make Clark some dialogue notes. I bet the first line is, "If bricks were beauty, you'd be the Taj Mahal."

Clark at his locker. Behind him, Jocko Whitney is at his locker, and is approached by a guidance counselor-looking woman. For Kansas, this town is amazingly diverse. She tells Jocko that his mother filled her in on what's going on. "She shouldn't have," he broods. Blond guys just don't look good when they brood like that. You always just think that they're upset because they missed a sale at Abercrombie and Fitch. The counselor, who is actually very cute, says she doesn't want to push and that if Jocko needs her, she's right down the hall. I would be in her office so fast, pretending to have no goals in life. As Clark is walking by, Jocko drops all of his books and folders. He kneels to pick them up. Clark goes over to help and picks up a bottle in a prescription bag. Jocko snatches it from Clark pissily and walks off. "Sorry," Clark says. "You're welcome," he adds, as Jocko heads down the hall. Clark turns and uses his x-ray vision to see inside Jocko's bag. He sees the bottle is Amlodipine Besylate. My resident Pharmacy student says that it's heart medication.

However, in the very scene, we find that out anyway. Clark has a printout that says, "What is Amlodipine Besylate?" They give the same answer. Clark is reading the printout at The Beanery. As he studies it for what seems like hours, LexStalka' walks up to him and says, "Hey, Clark!" She says things are okay, except that everything has been weird since Boobs showed up. I've found, in my own experience, that things are always more complicated when there are Boobs involved. She puts Clark on the spot, asking what he thinks of Boobs McChesty. Clark says he doesn't know her that well. How diplomatic. LexStalka' has no such pretense. She says she saw Boobs going through Lex's things. "What were you doing in Lex's bedroom?" he says. She says she was helping her mother. "Lex is the only one who treated me like I was there," she says. That's what's so great about Lex. He always notices when people are cleaning up after him. How great would it be to be Lex's Manservant?

A month ago, if you had shown me pictures of Boobs McChesty and told me she was going to have a naked bath scene on Smallville, I would have sweated and whooped like a cowboy on a sunny day. But now? It's all dread and malice in my heart for this scene. Why!? Why must she have the body of a Charlie's Angel and the brain of an oily pancake? It's not fair! Damn you, WB! Damn you straight to hell! Ahem. Moving on. Boobs, wearing a silk robe that looks like it was made of underground comics, is drawing a bath. She brushes her dry hair and looks in the mirror. You can actually see stray brain cells falling out of her ears in little dying clumps. She turns her back to us. Disrobes. I say a prayer that this pain will soon be over. She lies back in the tub, but it looks like her hair is wet before she even gets in the water. Bad, bad continuity, WB! The girl's hair can't even act. We pan across her body, and I swear I'm seeing a big, nebulous boob floating in the water. Maybe it's her hand, but it looks like a uniboob sitting in the middle of her sternum. She hears a noise at the door. It doesn't look like there's anything there. Which is quite common for invisible people. She settles back into her bath, uniboob and all.

A computer screen. We see the familiar "Cadmus Labs" charts. Lex is sitting at his desk. Clark comes in. How does he manage to get past the gate, like he owns the place? Lex asks if he's ghost hunting. Nope. The only thing Clark wants to find in a set of white sheets is Lex. Clark says he needs to talk to Lex about Boobs. In the specific, not general, sense. Clark is about to say he saw her going through Lex's computer, but he can't find the words. Lex finishes his thought for him. Lex says very little happens in the house he doesn't know about. He says it's a big chess game between him and Boobs. It must be like playing checkers against a particularly dense cactus. Clark moans, "You don't love her. She goes around behind your back. Why do you want her around?" Lex says it's complicated. He thanks Clark for the heads up. "That's what friends are for," Clark says. He brings up LexStalka's obsessiveness. Lex says it's just a schoolgirl crush. Lex asks about the Lana Initiative. Clark mentions the thing with Jocko Whitney and the heart medication. Lex is familiar with the drug. He says his mother was on it before she had her heart surgery. "Is that what...sorry," Clark says. Lex says his mother was sick for a long time and that she gave him the lost watch when she was close. He goes on to explain the Napoleon thing: Lex's mother had the watch made based on the painting of Napoleon's coronation. In it, Napoleon's mother is present even though she never made it to the real coronation. Napoleon asked the painter to put her in as if she were there so she could share in his glories through his sheer force of will. "Good story," Clark says. "It's a good watch," Lex says. Man. Lex is officially the best thing on television, ever.

The Boobs Bath. A candle is blown out. The door has been opened. Boobs sits up in her bath. "Lex?" she calls. The tinkly music of doom is playing. Suddenly, she's dunked in the water. Hooray! In the water, we see what looks like one of the creatures from The Abyss gone horribly wrong, choking her and pushing her under. She flails. Comes up. Heh. She's not so pretty without her precious makeup, is she? She's dunked again. Her leg, which is doing a better acting job than the whole rest of her body combined, flails outside of the tub's edge. A vase with blue marbles in it falls to the floor, shattering.

In the hall, Clark is just walking along and hears the crash. He superzips it upstairs and crashes through the door. He sees a naked leg hanging out of the tub. He rushes over, looking pained that he has to help a naked wet woman, and lifts her out. As soon as he pulls her out, she starts coughing and wheezing. She can't even be convincingly unconscious. Clark puts the robe on her, which is conveniently nearby to cover her naughty bits. Just then, Clark is punched across the chest by something we can't see and is thrown back against a standing mirror, which shatters. Clark turns and uses his x-ray vision and sees the skeleton of the InvisoPerv. Some pieces of glass on the floor reflect an iridescent shape. The skeleton thing opens the door and leaves. Clark looks at the glass on the floor and sees that there's blood on it.

Oh man. They added Boobs to the little between-commercial promo for The WB. How I hate The WB right now.

Pepsi Twist commercial. What kind of fucked up world are we living in where a man on the street knows Hallie Eisenberg's name, but doesn't have a clue who Barry Bostwick is?

The Torch. Chloe and Clark are examining the blood on the glass Clark found. Chloe says blood definitely means there's no ghost. So the logical conclusion? An invisible person. Of course! Chloe finds some green powder on the glass and rubs it on her fingers. She says it smells like roses. And then, whoah! The tips of Chloe's fingers disappear! Does George Lucas know about this? He could save a fortune! Chloe says she's now officially weirded out. Hey, I just figured out a way that we won't have to look at Boobs McChesty anymore! Clark says that if she put that stuff all over her body she'd be -- "Naked?"Chloe cuts off. "Invisible," Clark says. Man, Naked Chloe doesn't even warrant a titter from him. Chloe rubs off the powder from her fingers with a Kleenex, and they return to visible form.

Outside, Chloe and Clark discuss how to deal with an invisible person. First off, don't tell them they look great because they'll know you're lying. They start tying bits of logic together improbably and before you can say, "Rowrsh, Shaggy!" they've decided to check out LexStalka's blood type based on Clark's "freakish" remembrance that she donated blood at the blood drive. "Call me later?" Clark asks. "Top of my speed dial," Chloe says, grinning like a loon. Long lingering look from Chloe as Clark walks off.

In the cafeteria, Jocko is brooding over the fact that today is Salisbury steak day. This school has more school spirit banners per square foot than any other school in America per capita. Clark approaches Jocko, and I can already tell this is going to be a real meeting of the minds. This is the only painfully boring scene in the episode, so I'll spare you: Clark tells Jocko he knows about the heart medication, which belongs to Jocko's dad. Jocko acts pissy. After being accused of making moves on Lana, Clark tells Jocko that if he doesn't open up to Lana (whom Jocko doesn't want to burden with more pain after her folks were, you know, crushed by a meteor), he's going to lose her. Notice: Jocko is wearing blue, Clark a very red shirt. End of the WB Actors' Mind Meld.

Clark at The Beanery. Lex is there, seemingly waiting for him. Clark asks about Boobs, but you can tell it's just so he can badmouth her. She's resting up in Metropolis for a few days. And when the Boobs's away.... Clark asks Lex if he ever got information he wished he hadn't. Lex says that in his experience, there's no such thing as too much information. Good. Because I hate when people are like, "He-LLO! TMI!" Those people need to be brought down. Hard. Clark explains about Jocko's dad being sick. Lex understands that Clark feels he'd be taking advantage of the situation. Lex says he'd go for it. But he adds that he likes Clark because Clark wouldn't do that. Did you hear that? Lex likes Clark! Lex likes Clark! Clark and Lexy sittin' in a tree...Rackin' up R-A-T-I-N-G-S. Just when I'm in the middle of my little Clark and Lex song and my cat has run away to another room, LexStalka' shows up with a bright "Hi, Lex!" She says she saw Lex's car (which one?) and came in to say hi. Clark notices her long sleeve is pulled way down on her wrist. He x-rays and sees Lex's watch on her hand. Tinkly music of discovery plays. Lex tells LexStalka' that Boobs McChesty will be back from Metropolis in a few days. Lex tells the girl that Boobs isn't as bad as she seems. I think Lex is just lying to her, us, and himself. Damn you, WB! LexStalka' says she didn't think Boobs was bad, and then leaves abruptly. Clark looks after her a long while. "What is it?" Lex asks.

thing you know, they're entering LexStalka's room with the help of her Stalker Mom. Mom is in denial, saying her daughter has been doing badly in school, but wouldn't hurt someone as...well, rich as Boobs. Lex opens up a cabinet and finds a shrine to himself. Pictures, newspaper headlines (including the one about Lex robbing that bank a while ago), heart-shaped frames, the whole deal. I compare it to my Lex shrine and think to myself, "Amateur." There are no pentagrams or goat's blood, so it's pretty standard as love shrines go. "It's like she's been collecting you," Clark says, and I giggle. Who wouldn't want a L'il Lex to carry around in their pocket? Lex pulls out his famous Napoleon watch. Wait. You mean she ran all the way home just to put the watch in a place where it could be found? Is this a whole other day or something? Continuity, people! Mom is shocked. She asks Lex not to call the police. Maybe you should look for that missing silverware while you're in there, Lex. Our beautiful bald man says he's not interested in revenge but that LexStalka' needs help. He even offers to pay for her therapy. What a guy! He asks that they leave the mansion that night. Stalker Mom agrees. Lex closes off the shrine. Clark makes a mental note to make some improvements to his own Lex shrine.

Sunset at Clark's pimp barn. Clark is about to get his Mack on. And I'm not talking about Allison. The sunset through the barn window is so amazingly fake, so showy, you keep expecting Scarlett O'Hara to burst in and tell Clark how tomorrow is another day. "You made it," says Lana, who is standing by the blue screen...er, I mean "window." She's grinning. She says he made it just in time for "the good part." Oh, momma! Clark walks over, mopily. Clark says, looking right at Lana, that "it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Lana gets all dewy-eyed. She asks if Clark wanted to tell her something the other night. He says he was indeed going to say something the other night. "Nell's not here now," Lana says, leaning in closer. Clark tries twice, but can't say what he really wants to say, even as Lana is looking at him with her big, raccoon eyes. Clark says if he says what he really wants to say, he'll hurt her. "Why don't you take a shot?" she says. Her teeth look really strange in this scene, as if she has clear braces on that are shining in the fake sunset. Lana says she's strong. "Whitney needs to know that too," Clark says. That's it. Clark is officially out of the Men's Club. No manhood for you, kiddo. Lana is confused. She thought Clark didn't want to talk about Jocko. Clark lays out some lame-itudes about how if Lana were his girlfriend, he'd want Jocko to act the same. Jeez. Clark tells Lana that Jocko needs her and that she needs to talk to him. "Clark, why are you doing this?" she asks, clearly flummoxed, or as flummoxed as you can be when you're only up to Chapter 3 of Acting For Dummies. Clark says that it's because he and Lana are friends now, and he doesn't want to lose that. You know, Clark, most guys are trying to get out of the friendship box, not into it. You just messed it all up for the rest of us. Lana nods. She looks out the window. "Look. We missed it," she says of the sunset. Yeah. We get it. Unfortunately, Clark will never get it. Lana exits the barn with not even a kiss on the cheek. How's that friendship feeling for ya there, Clark?

Outside Lex's home. It's a foggy night. LexStalka' goes up to Lex with tears in her eyes and warbles, "I just wanted to feel close to you." Don't we all? Lex doesn't respond. She gets into a car where her and her family's things are packed. Stalker Mom goes up to Lex and apologizes. Lex says it's okay, and tells her to drive safely. After they leave, he pulls out a cell phone, dials, and says he wants to leave a message for Boobs McChesty. As he begins to walk, the phone is knocked out of his hand. Lex spins around. "Who's there?" he asks. "Is it you, Kevin Bacon?" A vapory shape appears in the fog and clocks Lex in the mouth. It disappears again, and we go to commercial.

The barn of solo flights. MamaKent comes in, and suddenly the barn looks bigger than Lex's mansion on the inside. It's even got a couch where Clark is lying down on his lonely, friendshippy ass. MamaKent asks about Lana. "We're still friends," Clark says. MamaKent asks if he's okay with that. "No!" he says. Heh. He says he thinks it's the right call for now. Chloe bursts in and MamaKent gets up to leave. How did Chloe know Clark would be alone? She just wanted to bust up his nookie session. Chloe reveals that the blood on the mirror doesn't match LexStalka's blood type. Chloe says the girl may be able to "Lex Obsess," but she's not the invisible freak. Clark looks at a printout that Chloe brought over and notices that LexStalka's brother does have a matching blood type. They suddenly jump to the conclusion that because he's quiet, he must be the invisible person. Clark gets up to run out. Couldn't they be completely wrong, just once?

At the Luthor Castle. Lex is tied up on the floor, his hands behind him. Yowza. InvisoBoy is yelling at Lex, asking how he could send the sister away. "She loved you!" the brother's voice hisses. Lex, dazed, looks around and asks who it is. "Suddenly, you care," the voice says. Lex calls the voice by name, and gets it right. Lex gets up, slowly. The brother, who suddenly is a sociology expert, says Lex broke the unwritten rule by speaking to the lower-class help. The "invisible" people. Man, this dialogue is so ham-fisted, it's like a honey-roasted boxing glove. Lex gets beat around by the angry, class-conscious InvisoBoy. The room is dark and filled with war paraphernalia. "What have I ever done to you?" Lex moans. "Not to me, to [LexStalka']!" the boy yells. Lex says he only sent the girl away because he thought she attacked Boobs. InvisoBoy says he did it, to get things back the way they were for his sister. He's mad that Lex doesn't love his sister. "That kind of love could get me arrested," Lex says, the corner of his mouth bleeding. "She's a little young for me." InvisoBoy yells about ruined lives, and starts waving a sword from the wall around, making swishing noises. The sword flies. It hits the wall right to Lex's sweet head. Lex looks scared.

Outside in the fog. Clark zips to the castle and knocks on the door, yelling Lex's name. "Clark!" Lex calls. Clark busts in. Lex is thrown against the wall, hitting his head and getting knocked out. Clark sees what's going on. "Stay away from me, Kent!" InvisoBoy says. Clark asks what happened. "Chemistry" is the cryptic, yet dumb response. "Some plants don't absorb light, they refract it." That's it? That's how you become invisible? What a fucking crock of shit. No offense, Lex. InvisoBoy complains that he used the green plants to become invisible, turning the figurative use of the word to the literal. Again: we get it. Clark turns around and is clocked in the head with a mace. The mace shatters in bad, pointless CGI slow motion. Clark spins around. Why is he stunned? I thought stuff like that barely fazed him. InvisoBoy says that Lex has mentioned that Clark is "special." "I'm special, too!" InvisoBoy says. Somewhere, Thom Yorke is wishing he were special. InvisoBoy starts choking Clark from around back. Clark thrashes around. It's like those bad improvs where somebody pretends to wrestle an invisible opponent. Clark knocks InvisoBoy off and he smashes into some stray scaffolding where cans of red and yellow paint fall and land on the invisible body. It's wood paneling in here. Who was going to use yellow and red paint? Oh, I see. Some sort of piece of art on the wall. Whatever. The paint lands perfectly, and we see the shape of InvisoBoy's body. And that's all we get. Lame, I know.

Outside. The police carry InvisoBoy out. Please note: not a single speck of paint on his naked body. I guess the paint was disappearing paint, huh? Clark asks Lex what he thinks will happen. "Years and years of therapy," he answers. We get a low shot, looking up at Lex's and Clark's crotches. Lex asks how InvisoBoy made himself transparent. Clark says he doesn't know and the secret will probably go with the disturbed boy. Where? To the hospital? Lex rubs the back of his neck. Clark? Wanna get that? Clark apologizes for breaking antiques. Lex says it's okay. His mother always hated that room. "War is in our nature," she had told him. "We don't need to put it on display."

Crap alt-rock music strummy strums. The big, huge white moon sets like a giant Lex skull. Clark, in the dark barn, watches through his telescope as Jocko and Lana talk. The two of them hug. Clark looks down, sadly. He caught the brooding bug from Jocko Whitney.

Blackout to credits.

In case you were wondering, The WB wants to sell you crappy CDs. You're welcome.

week: Bo Duke loses the farm. Lex apparently shoots Clark with an Uzi. And Jocko goes all bitch crazy. Should be fun. See you week.