This is the episode that's like a babe in the woods, and by "babe," I don't mean Lana. Or Lex, for that matter. This episode comes after a one-week hiatus, and is the last episode before the holidays, so it's a lone wolf. A lonely poor shrub in the desert. A Han gone Solo, if you will.
So sad is this episode that it opens with Bo Duke -- or at least his lower, naughtier half -- sticking out from under the broken family truck. I keep telling you, Bo. You need to get your ass into some warranties, considering the fact that everything in your life continues to break down. "Get your motor runnin'!" some bright, California-sounding music proclaims, but the cheer is short-lived as Bo smacks himself under the truck and emerges, muttering, "Son of a gun!" Because there's no "bitch" in Smallville. Except Clark. Bo, holding a tiny tool, sucks on his hand for emphasis.
In the Kitchen of Sandwichtude, MamaKent is telling Clark not to use the upstairs bathroom because it's backed up, and she need to "snake the pipes." Nasty. What, did Clark take a Supershit? Clark, wearing headphones (bet he's listening to Frankie Goes to Hollywood), is rampaging around the kitchen, looking for pizza and driving poor MamaKent nuts. MamaKent tells Clark he can nuke some chili for dinner. Ah, that explains the backed-up toilet. "Clark, can I get a hand out here?" Bo Duke yells from outside while Clark munches on some cold pizza. You know, when my dad would say that to me, I would stand there and applaud. It pissed him off so bad. Sorry about that, Dad. Clark is wearing a red Gilligan shirt, by the way.
Outside, Bo Duke asks Clark if he'll, "Uh," and Clark nods, getting the gist of dad's gibe. Clark lifts the blue truck with one hand while holding the pizza slice in the other. Bo Duke says it's a heck of a day to blow an exhaust hanger. Oh, he's making that up! MamaKent has followed Clark out, and tells him she left their hotel number on the nightstand. Bo Duke finishes up under the truck, and when Clark lowers it, he's offered a raise in his allowance. Clark just smiles, goofily, but shows no teeth. Clark tells them it's no big deal, and that they're just spending a couple of nights in Metropolis. Bo Duke mangles all that is holy in the English language by saying that they'll be okay soon: "And soon, madame, so shall we be." Shut. It. Bo. "Almost forgot," Clark says, and pulls out a card with a big-ass stain on the top left corner. "Happy anniversary," he says. So, he can turn back time and leap over tall buildings, but he can't come up with a clean envelope? For shame, Superboy. MamaKent and Bo Duke get in the big blue truck and leave for the city. Where they most certainly will not be perceived as yokels.
Big city buildings at night. It looks like L.A. Inside one of those high-rises, we are looking up from inside a crib to a mobile hanging above. Tinkly music plays. I get an uncomfortable flashback to that episode ofSix Feet Underwhere the baby dies in the opening segment. A pretty mom comes into the room and shushes the baby goodnight. A shadowy shape enters the room, presumably through the window. It's dad, I think. Only, this big, strapping man is Tony Todd of Candyman fame. All of a sudden, I'm hella scared. Candyman picks up the baby and kisses it. I keep expecting bees to come out of his mouth. "Don't worry," Candyman says. "Daddy's gonna get better." Almost immediately, Candyman's hands starts shaking, very crazily and stop-motion like. We just stepped into a Tool video. The room shakes. The mobile shakes violently. The baby in the crib shakes. There's a whole lotta shakin' going on. Candyman stops shaking, and pants heavily. thing you know, the mom comes back in and finds the room empty except for the crib and the baby. Thunder rumbles and the baby is crying.
City street in the rain. MamaKent and Bo Duke pass in their not-at-all-conspicuous-in-Metropolis hickmobile. Crossing the street right behind the truck is Candyman, who arrives at the front entrance of Luthorcorp Plaza. He pulls a bottle of prescription drugs from a pocket, but his hand shakes and he loses them. Panicked, he dives to the ground to pick up the spilled pills. He takes a few. Man, Candyman can act! He looks so sad and desperate. He stumbles to the front glass doors of the Plaza building. Inside, a security guard is listening to crap rock on his boom box and jamming out while he buffs the floor. Candyman knocks on the glass door. "Will!" he calls out. I want him to finish, "Will!...you stop jamming out while you buff the floor! It's disgusting!" Will loses his groove and goes to the door. He asks what Candyman is doing there. "I need to see Lionel Luther!" Candyman says, urgently. Will, who looks like a poor man's Ethan Hawke (who is already himself a poor man's someone or other ["Brad Pitt" -- Wing Chun]) says, "You know I can't let you in." Candyman tells him that they did something to him at the plant in Smallville. Poor Man's Ethan Hawke is dubious. He tells Candyman to get some help. "I tried. They can't do anything. It's getting worse," he says. Man, Tony Todd is my favorite guest actor so far on this show, excepting the always stellar John Glover. PMEH tells Candyman to go home and dry off. Then he returns to his crap rock, which I can now identify as Bush. Man, whatever happened to them? Remember when they didn't need to be dating Gwen Stefani to still be known to exist? Candyman must not like Bush either because he starts shaking violently as he holds the door handle. The entire glass door shatters as Candyman falls through. PMEH comes over to help. Candyman gets up. He tells PMEH that he's going to die if he doesn't find some answers and that doctors can't do anything for him. Candyman starts shaking again, but this time he's holding PMEH in his arms and can't stop his shaking limbs from choking the poor character actor. They struggle and fall to the floor. Candyman, who has crossed over into accidental villainy and will now be called "Jitterman," examines Poor Man's Ethan Hawke. Poor Man's Ethan Hawke is most certainly dead. Oh, poor Poor Man's Ethan Hawke. We hardly knew ye. Jitterman stands up and runs out of the building as we get the obligatory overhead shot of the room. The buffer is still operating by itself, jamming on its own. Here is a poem I wrote to commemorate the untimely death of Poor Man's Ethan Hawke.
O, what a life you led, sweet Will,
A life of buffing, Bush and still,
My heart you may not capture yet
You'll never be a Smallville vet
Why do you love that alt crap rock?But with that little soul patch gay,
Asphyxiated like Janis J.
You stirred within some sympathy
But less from Tony Todd than me.
You are a Poor Man's Ethan Hawke.
Opening credits. I saw the video for this song, "Save Me," and the lead singer of Remy Zero looks like Lex Luthor!
School bus driving along Route 5. Clark, Chloe, and Sneaky Pete are walking along to a bunch of cows out in the sticks. Pete asks what Clark's going to do now that his parents are away. He says he'll invite a few friends over. How sophisticated. Will there be bon mots and fine wine? Will Clark get in his underwear beforehand and sing Bob Seger? Chloe sees right through it and calls bullshit. She says he's throwing a party. Clark mumbles that it'll just be the three of them, and maybe Lana. I just noticed how short Chloe is. That's a lot of snark for such a small package. Chloe asks if Lana will be there with or without her "action poseable boyfriend." Clark ignores her, as he is wont to do, and says the, ahem, party starts at 8. They get on the bus. "Remember. The key word is small," Clark intones gravely. Sure, tell that to Lex.
One big-ass party later. The Casa de Clark has been transformed into House Party 2001, minus Kid 'n Play. People are dancing to bad rock (where's the hip hop?). Chloe finds Clark amid the crowd and asks if this is his idea of a small gathering. Clark, looking like a worrywart, asks if she even recognizes half the people there. Did he pass out a flyer at school or something? Somebody drops a dish, and it crashes. Clark looks worried. We pan across the party and get a long, lingering shot of a girl's ass. I keep telling you: Somebody on this show has a big ass fetish.
Clark is sitting alone when a very sweaty Asian guy falls to him on the seat and says, "Dude...I think I'm gonna hurl." Who even says that anymore? Are we living in the Era of Wayne's World? Clark gets panicked. He zips out of frame, Bullet-Times it to the kitchen, and as everyone else is in slow motion, he empties out a bowl of snacks. On his way back, he notices a vase falling, and tips it back up before anyone is the wiser. He zips back to his seat just as the guy is about to spew chunks. He does so, into the bowl. Best use of superpowers ever. "Thanks," the guy moans as Clark holds up a hand like he's so much cooler than throwing up. Um, Clark? You were a male model and you're allergic to every rock in town. Don't begrudge someone his vomit.
Some time later, Clark is picking up cups and bowls, which is so amazingly pointless before a party's over. "Pretty cool party!" we hear in a girlish, uninflected voice. Must be Lana. And it is. She's wearing a strange top that is stitched like a sailor's uniform. Clark plays it off like he's just blowing off steam and the whole thing was unplanned. Lana says she'd be freaking out. We hear another dish break somewhere in the background. They're called Dixie cups and paper plates, Clark. Bullet-Time to the store for some of those time. Lana says she wouldn't be brave enough to throw such a party. Yeah, this is the same girl who kept bitching about Nasty Nell taking control of her birthday. Clark says Lana's probably braver than she thinks. Then he asks, almost under his breath, if she's "flying solo" tonight. Lana clarifies the question by repeating it in English. Clark sheepishly smiles and lowers his head. Lana says she's capable of enjoying herself without Jocko Whitney. Just then something from outside flashes and it sounds like...FIREWORKS! I love fireworks! Yay fireworks! "You're full of surprises tonight, Clark," Lana says. "Tell me about it," Clark responds for absolutely no reason.
Outside the house, everybody is rushing to see the 'works. "Clark-Man, how cool is this?" Pete jives. Clark complains that the cops are going to be alerted to the party. Pete says he didn't bring the fireworks. "I did," we hear, and it's Sexy Lexy. "It's a party gift. Hope you like it," Lex says. He also mentions that Clark shouldn't worry about the police: That's covered. As the fireworks continue to burst (love, love, LOVE!), Lex says that a party can make or break a reputation, and he wanted to make sure Clark's was a success. Lana watches from the porch. Lex out of nowhere mentions that Chloe and her class are taking a tour of his fertilizer plant the day. "It's a class field trip," she exposits. Lex asks what they did wrong to deserve that. Ha, office humor. Just then, a slinky Asian woman wearing even more eye makeup than Lana sidles up to Lex and says, "Sorry I took so long. Someone overflowed the bathroom." So Ho is wearing a strapless dress and looking quite the professional escort. And studly Lex took her to a high-school party. What, was Denny's booked up? "I'm officially dead," Clark mutters, at the toilet remark.
Inside the house, the phone is ringing. Nobody hears it over the fireworks and the music.
MamaKent puts down the phone at a fancy high-rise restaurant in Metropolis. She's wearing a little black number. As she goes back to the table, she worriedly says that Clark isn't answering. "Oh, he's fine, fine," Bo Duke says, obviously trying to dismiss it and get laid for once in his marriage. They get on to their conversation. Bo Duke asks if she misses Metropolis. "Sometimes," she says, her lips pursed to the point where the wind current in Metropolis has just shifted. She says she didn't move to Smallville for action (ahem) and glamour and that she knew she wouldn't be rich. But a certain man (wait, Bo Duke?) told her he couldn't give her the world, but that he'd always love her. Awww. Bo Duke smiles. They kiss. Chastely.
Back at House Party 2001, Clark is eyeing Lana, who is sitting on a couch. Jocko Whitney walks in wearing a big black leather coat, having for once ditched his letterman jacket. Jocko suddenly seems cooler than he has for the entire run of the show. He says "hey" to Lana and tells her he's been looking for her. He asks why she didn't tell him she was going to the party. She says she didn't think she needed permission. He asks to speak with her outside. As they leave, some random girl starts gossiping, relaying what just happened to someone else.
In the barn, Jocko asks what's going on. Lana says that when they got back together, she said she needed some breathing room. They broke up? Recently? He thinks she's sneaking. She thinks he's just pissed because it's Clark's party. "I'm starting to get the feeling you don't trust me," she says. Just then, the whole barn starts shaking. Everything rattles. Lana runs back to the party to get Clark.
When Clark enters the barn, Jocko is up in the loft holding a pitchfork. He calls Clark, "Kent!" and tells him to get up there with him. Clark does. He turns on his mighty Phallic Flashlight and aims it at an object huddling by the wall and covered in canvas. As they edge up to it and creepy music plays, the shape stirs. Jocko pokes the shape and the canvas flies off, revealing a sweating, freaked-out Jitterman. Clark tells Jocko that he knows the guy, and to back that pitchfork up. Clark asks Jitterman what he's doing there. "I came to see your dad," Jitterman says heavily. "He's the only one I can trust." Clark tells him that Bo Duke is out of town. Jitterman starts to shake. "What's wrong with you?" Clark asks. He puts his hand on Jitterman's knee, but it glows green and he pulls it away in pain. Great. Not only does he jitter, but he's got kryptonite knees. Jitterman shakes some more. "Call an ambulance!" Clark announces. It's your house. Call it your damn self.
Hospital. Jitterman is pulled along on a stretcher. He's got a tube in his mouth. A green one.
Pepsi machine. Chloe gets herself a drink from the machine. She sits down with her product placement and says that Jitterman should be in a rehab center. Clark doesn't think the guy is a junkie. Chloe is wearing a weird red outfit with black trim that makes her look like Santa Claus's slutty daughter. She's even showing some cleavage. Clark mentions that Jitterman tried to teach him guitar to impress girls when he worked on their farm, but Clark kept breaking the strings. Just because you know someone doesn't mean you know their deepest darkest secrets, Chloe says, ingraining the themes of the show yet again. She asks why Jitterman left their farm. Better pay, pretty much. Just then, a pair of cops come in looking for Jitterman. Clark gets up, asking if his former hired hand is in trouble. "Oh yeah," one of the cops says, regretfully breaking his code of silence. They all hear a yell and scramble down a hallway toward a hospital room.
Hospital room. Things are being thrown around. Jitterman is shaking violently. He knocks a police officer against a wall. Clark reaches out, but is thrown through a glass window. The tremors stop suddenly and Jitterman falls to the ground. Clark gives a serious look. Commercials.
Remember when Victoria's Secret used to advertise on Smallville? Now it's Old Navy with their Very Special Gay Holiday Sweaters. I think the advertisers finally figured out their correct target demo for this show
The morning. Clark walks into the kitchen of his house, and there's slippy sticky stuff all over the floor and what appear to be Rice Krispies and an orange there. Wild party, Clark. He surveys the damage. Sits down and elbows some dip on his shirt by accident. Goofy music plays. Then Clark gets up and starts using his superspeed to clean everything up, sweeping, throwing stuff out. It's like the last few minutes of Weird Science without the cool music. Just as everything is clean and Clark sets down his broom, he hears golf claps. Uh oh. It's Bo Duke with the sarcasm. Busted! MamaKent lays in immediately, saying she called six times the night before and spoke to six different people. Was one of them So Ho? They ask where Clark's been and he tells them the hospital. Wisely, Clark immediately shifts the focus of the conversation on Jitterman and the strange non-party occurrences of the night before. He concludes by saying that Jitterman is wanted for murder. He also adds that whenever he gets near Jitterman, he feels sick, the way he does around meteor fragments.
Hospital. A Jeanie Boulet-looking doctor comes out of Jitterman's exam room to talk to Clark and Bo Duke. She tells them she doesn't know what's wrong with Jitterman, and that she's surprised he's survived the seizures for so long. Then she shows them some x-rays. First off, what hospital shows patient x-rays to visitors? Also, couldn't Clark just see that stuff for himself with his x-Ray vision? The doctor says that Jitterman has mineral poisoning from minerals embedded under his skin. His body's trying to push them out. Doctor says that Jitterman is telling everyone he was a victim in a Luthorcorp plant explosion. But she pulled the safety records (how resourceful she is!) and there was no accident. Bo Duke asks to speak to his buddy. The doctor says he'd better hurry: Metropolis PD are on their way. Clark wants to go in with Bo Duke, but Bo explains that whatever makes Clark sick with the meteor rocks must be what's in Jitterman's body. Didn't Clark just say that in the last scene? Bo Duke is about as swift as a paralyzed slug.
Bo Duke goes in. Jitterman greets Bo with a smile and even uses the speaker to apologize to Clark for the night before. That kryptonite villain with the jitters? He's a class act, folks. Jitterman, lying in bed, explains that the supposed murder was an accident, and that he was just trying to find out what they were using on "Level 3." "Earl, you're not making any sense," Bo Duke says. Jitterman explains that he was assigned to clean Level 3 at Luthorcorp, where crop experiments were being done. An experiment on a new kind of fertilizer that could make corn grow twice as fast. Bo Duke gives a cornoerotic look, clearly intrigued by this growth dynamic. Jitterman goes on to say that there was an explosion, he got stuff under his skin, and everything was shut down. "Then two months ago," Jitterman says with his unbelievably deep voice, "the jitters started." I got chills. Tiny ones, but still. Jitterman says he tried to find out what poisoned him, but when he went back to the plant, he was told Level 3 didn't exist. Bastards! He asks Bo Duke's help in finding out what they were using. Bo Duke looks reluctant. Or maybe it's constipation. Bo Duke tries to end the conversation, but Jitterman grabs Bo by the shirt and jacket and panics that the jitters are getting worse and he's running out of time. He almost cries when he says he lost his job, his marriage, and his baby. That Tony Todd can act his ass off. "Help me," he finally whispers. "You get some rest, Earl," Bo Duke says by way of a dismissal, and puts his hand on Jitterman's perfect bald head.
Bo Duke walks out of the hospital room. Clark asks if Bo Duke believes Jitterman. "I have no idea," Bo says. Clark tells Bo that he has a field trip to Luthorcorp that afternoon. Because that's not at all convenient to the purposes of the plot. Bo says that Jitterman might not be in his right mind, and asks Clark not to do anything. Except we're hearing it from inside the room. Jitterman can hear them through his intercom! That crafty Jitterman.
Elevator. Overhead shot of Jitterman in a wheelchair with a policeman guarding him. We pan down in a spiral straight onto his head. He starts to jitter violently. Outside the elevator, a little girl is telling her mommy that she doesn't want to go to the doctor and get a shot. The daughter, clearly smarter than her mom, says, "That's what you said last time." Then she says, "Mommy!" when the elevator opens and there's a beat-up guard on the floor and an overturned wheelchair. The business end of the handcuffs attached to the chair are undone. Jitterman has escaped. And I say "yay!" to that.
A school bus rolls into the gated Luthorcorp Smallville Fertilizer Plant No. 3. Two gray-suited men stand at the gate. Inside, Chloe's dad Gabe (Pusher from The X-Files) greets the Smallville High students, and gives a special "Hi, sweetheart!" to Chloe, who stands in the back and looks mortified. She hides behind Clark. SnarkDad is wearing a white shirt and tie, very corporate. He says, "Welcome to Luthorcorp, where we give a crap." Some titters from the peanut gallery. "Okay, somebody kill me now," Chloe says. SnarkDad asks everyone to remove cell phones, jewelry, or anything else that jangles, dangles, or rings. He asks if anyone has questions. Clark raises his hand and says he heard there's a third level to the plant. "Yeah, yeah," SnarkDad says. "That's where we do the alien autopsies." Folks laugh. Clark looks uncomfortable (he's an alien, remember?) and everyone gets moving. "Don't encourage him," Chloe moans to Clark.
Pan across a long industrial hallway where a huge "Level 2" sign is painted. Jitterman, looking enormous in a suit, hits the end of the walkway. How did he get in? Oh, yeah. Field trip. He must have had his mom sign a permission slip. Jitterman opens a door with both hands, turns on a light, and sees a wall where he expected an elevator to be. "No," he says, slapping his hands against it. "No! NOOOO! This can't be, this can't be happening." He begins to throw things around in a rage. I know this can't be happening. This show can't be on opposite 24. It's just not right! "Where is it?" Jitterman moans. "Where is it? Where's the elevator!?" He runs his hands across his head and screams it. Man, this guy is good. He makes even the silliest lines sound scary.
Group tour. SnarkDad is pointing out hot pipes and Clark doesn't even seem interested. In fact, he hangs back from the group and "gets lost." An "Authorized Personnel Only" door is swinging shut. Clark superspeeds to it and holds it open for himself. Sneaky, sneaky, freaky deaky.
Back with the group tour, SnarkDad raises his arms and announces, "This is it! Mission control!" It looks like NASA even though it's basically just a poop shop. SnarkDad says they process lots of crap and that the results can be explosive. So if any of them had beans for lunch, he says, he's going to have to ask them to leave. A few charitable chuckles. Chloe wants to kill something. "Among his peers, he's considered witty," she explains to Sneaky Pete. Suddenly, there's a rattling at the door. Is it Santa? Mr. Hankey? No, it's Jitterman, come to bring Christmas jitters to all the epileptic boys and girls! He bursts in, just as SnarkDad was going to open the door, swings the man around and points a gun to his head as all the students inch back. "You take me to Level 3," he whispers. "Dad!" Chloe says. "Now!" Jitterman yells. Now to commercials!
The front of the plant. Lex, who has been gone far too long from this episode, is driving up in his sleek black convertible. A bunch of parents, including Bo Duke and MamaKent, are standing outside the gate as if protesting. Some news crews are there, too. Lex gets out of his car, where he's stopped by Security. Lex tells the guards to let Bo and MamaKent inside. He's wearing a slick purple shirt and a black suit. Go Lex with your soon-to-be-bad self. As Lex absently signs a clipboard, he explains the situation to Bo and MamaKent. Bo tells Lex that he knows Jitterman. "Well, what's he doing in my plant?" Lex asks him, almost threateningly. As Bo explains the Level 3 accusations, Lex looks around, seemingly with guilt, but then tells Bo that they have a serious problem because there is no Level 3. Bo Duke is stunned. Lex looks like he's lying. Nearby, MamaKent is looking at a surveillance screen that from the guard post. She sees the students and Jitterman. "Where's Clark?" she cries.
There's Clark. He's zipping down hallways (don't the cameras see this?) from one area to the . He stops at a security post and sees on a monitor that Jitterman has taken hostages. He gets that steely, wussy look of determination. On another monitor, he sees a room of file cabinets. He fast-motion slips away to go there. We stay on the monitor and suddenly see Clark in that room.
Hostage room. SnarkDad is telling Jitterman that he knows nothing about Level 3. "Stop lying!" Jitterman says. Just then, Clark walks in holding a bunch of paper tubes. "I found these blueprints," he says, "there is no Level 3." Okay, who else is tired of hearing about Level 3? Jitterman angrily takes the rolled up papers from Clark. He rolls them out on the table. Shot of Chloe showing way too much...I guess you would call it Chloeavage. What is she, twenty-nine? Jitterman points the gun at the plans, as if threatening them to change back to what he remembers. He explains that he used to walk down the long Level 2 hallway, along the red pipe, and then took the elevator down to Level 3. By the end of this speech, he's yelling, freaking everybody out. "You're just like everybody else," he tells Clark, then yells again for him to sit down with the rest. Way delayed shot of Pete flinching in reaction. Clark, holding his hand as if from arthritis, backs away. He sits down to Lana and Jocko.
A helicopter arrives outside the plant. Lex tells MamaKent and Bo Duke that it's his father. Yay! My favorite magnificent bastard, Lionel Luthor! As the great Papa Luthor bounds up a set of stairs, he tells an underling that he's already been briefed. He even runs a hand through his luxurious mane of hair, twice, just to piss Lex off. He immediately starts in on Lex, blaming him for what happened and yelling until Bo Duke busts in. Lex introduces them. "It's been a long time," Papa Luthor says, almost lecherously, "but I never forget a face." Lex tells Papa that Bo Duke knows Jitterman. Papa Luthor asks Bo Duke for his assessment of the man's condition. Bo Duke doesn't make it sound very good. Papa Luthor asks about the "Level 3 nonsense." Lex assures everybody that it doesn't exist. He does a "right, dad?" Papa Luthor says, "Of course not." But he's lying, surely. Bo Duke asks Papa Luthor what he's going to do about the situation. He says he's going to let the SWAT team do its job. Lex look uncomfortable at that. "What about the kids?" MamaKent cries. Do it for the kids, Papa Luthor! Papa Luthor says he understands, but adds, "I don't negotiate with terrorists." MamaKent cries back that Jitterman is not a terrorist. She says that if he won't talk to Jitterman, Bo Duke will. Bo Duke looks determined, but I'll bet he's thinking, "What? Who? Damn, woman, why are you volunteering me?" Lex tells Bo Duke that he's not the one Jitterman blames. "Is he, Dad?" Oh, the complexities of the Luthor family dynamic.
Inside hostage central, SnarkDad answers the phone. It's Papa Luthor. And he wants to talk to Jitterman. Jitterman asks to be put on speakerphone. "Finally got your attention?" he asks Papa Luthor. "Why don't you come out? We've got a lot to talk about," Papa Luthor says into a little dangly Time-Life Books headset. Jitterman just wants to know what they were using on Level 3. Was it glowing green? Because I think I might know. ["Mountain Dew?" -- Wing Chun] Papa Luthor says he should let everyone go, and they'll get Jitterman some help. Just then, the jitters start again. Jitterman grabs on to a big valve, but as Clark comes over to help, the valve is flung off and hits Clark, who falls back. Uh oh. It was a methane gas tank. And the pressure on the tank is going up. Jitterman looks at it regretfully. "See what you made me do?" he whispers to the tank. Then he goes to the surveillance camera and repeats that into it.
Outside, Lex tells Papa Luthor, "Way to go, Dad. I see you haven't lost your touch." Oh, Lex. When will you let the healing begin?
Back inside. Jitterman is still whispering to the camera. Jocko Whitney tells Clark and Lana that they have to do something, what with this crazy jittery guy and all. Clark says it's not a good idea. "Two of us can take him," Jocko says. "How about it, Clark?" Clark totally wusses out, but with good reason since he can't go near the guy without turning to a wet linguini. "I can't," Clark says finally. "It's okay," Lana assures him. Sure, it is. As Jitterman talks to the camera, Jocko sneaks up, but is caught. He knocks the gun away, but Jitterman smacks him in the face. Jitterman rolls, grabs the gun, and goes back to the camera like nothing happened. Except now he's pissed. He shoots at the camera.
Outside. "What was that boy thinking?" Papa Luthor asks. Bo says the boy wasn't thinking and was just taking some initiative. Back seat hostage quarterback. Bo Duke goes on and on about how somebody's got to do something. "You're right," Lex says in his steely voice. "I'm going in." Into the building? Good God! It just. Might. Work. Papa Luthor tells Lex this is no time for mock heroics. Lex reminds him that it's his plant, therefore his call. Papa Luthor grips Lex by the arm and says he won't allow it. "Don't ever do that again," Lex says, looking down at his dad's hand. Ooh, burn. Lex tells a guard to make the call and asks for a vest. Go, Lex, go!
Inside. Methane pressure is rising. We pan across the sad, sad actors smelling methane when Lex walks in, holding his arms up and looking quite the fruit in his funky purple shirt and bullet-proof vest. He's like gangsta rap if it were catered. Jitterman complains that Papa Luthor sent in his son to do his dirty work. Lex says it's his plant and he's his own...dirty, I guess. He asks if Jocko's okay. Why the sudden concern for Jocko Whitney, Lex? Keep that up and Clark is going to get jealous. "What are we going to do about these kids?" Lex asks, seriously. Jitterman says he didn't mean to hurt them kids. Unlike Bernie Mac, who wants to hurt those kids every waking moment, because he's hilarious. Jitterman says he tried talking to Papa Luthor, but Papa wouldn't listen. "I know the feeling," Lex says gravely. Then he starts to take off his vest. In my head, I hear burlesque music. As Lex takes it off, Jitterman eyes him up and down and...oh my goodness. This is an upset. The Gayest Look of the Episode award (the GAYLE) goes to...Jitterman! Totally unexpected win. And without the jittery vibration, even. Lex tells Jitterman, through the fog and smoke of slashy goodness, that he's going to tell him the truth. He says Papa Luthor doesn't care about him or anybody else. If a shooting spree goes down, he'll spin it to the media, insurance will pay up and Jitterman will go down as the bad guy. "I'm not the bad guy. I'm just trying to get better," Jitterman says. "Can I have your phone number?" Lex asks how he's going to get better by shooting a bunch of kids. Um, stress relief? Lex tells Jitterman, finally, that he's going to take him to Level 3. And it's not a euphemism for sex, either. Jitterman, sensing my implication, whips out his gun and points it at Lex. "Stop lying," he growls. Lex tells him he's not and that he's a man of his word. Jitterman thinks about it for a second, then starts yelling for all the kids to get out. They do. Lex starts to undo his tie, which is Clark's signal to come and talk to him while Jitterman is away for a moment. He asks Lex if he really knows where Level 3 is. Lex says it's in his imagination. With Clark's pants. Clark leaves.
Methane pressure is still rising. The kids are running down a hall, and all of a sudden it looks like an astronaut movie. "Kids are coming out," one of the guards says, and MamaKent and Bo Duke are relieved. Papa Luthor, is told that the building has to be sealed because of the gas levels, but if that happens, his son will be trapped inside. Papa Luthor looks stricken for a half second, rubs his mouth with a finger, then says, "Do it." Magnificent, that bastard.
Steel door closing. Just as they cross it, Clark turns around, leaving Sneaky Pete to yell on after him. Clark rolls back in, sub-Indiana Jones style, then superspeeds it along Level 2 at blur speed.
Outside, MamaKent hugs an arriving Pete and asks where Clark is. He does like R&B singer Joe's girlfriend and stutter, stutters about Clark going back in and how he couldn't help. I know he's stressed out and all but he sounds like a damned idiot. He sounded less freaked out when that succubus tried to suck all the fat from his body. MamaKent spins on Papa Luthor who tells her the safety doors are sealed until the gas levels go down. Giving him the fiery look of MomDoom, she tells him that her son is in there. "So is mine," Papa Luthor says. Yeah, but her son is...super!
Back to Clark. He finds that little Cask of Amontillado room. He stares at the wall with great male model intensity. His super-vision kicks in and he sees the elevator beyond the wall. Aha! Commercials.
I don't care if it's Hugh Jackman. Kate and Leopold looks like complete, time-traveling ass.
Jitterman and Lex. The methane level is up to "Taco Bell," and Jitterman mumbles that he's running out of time. Yeah, you've got about ten minutes to wrap this episode up. He tells Lex that it's time to do his part. Lex tells him there is no Level 3, and that it's all in his head. Jitterman swings his gun and clocks Lex right in the back of his tender, sweet head. Lex grunts and falls. "You Luthors are all the same," Jitterman tells Lex as he picks him up in an painful way. "Earl! I found Level 3!" we hear, and it's Clark! On an intercom! Jitterman tells him to stop playing. "It's here! Don't you want to see it? I promise!" Clark says, and it becomes very obvious over a speaker, without his pretty looks to back it up, that the boy can't...well, act. I mean, not over a speaker, at least. Avoid phone dialogue in the future, Clark. Jitterman picks Lex up roughly again and says, "Come on. I want you to see the truth."
More dragging down the long hallway. As Jitterman drags, Clark superspeeds to the hall and shuts off the broken gas valve with his bare hand.
Outside, Papa Luthor is told the gas pressure dropped. No one knows why. Except Bo and MamaKent.
At the Level 3 elevator. The wall has been punched through, revealing the elevator behind it. "Son of a bitch!" Jitterman roars at Lex. "How do you explain that?" Lex says, wearily, that he can't. They enter the elevator with its friendly "ding!" Jitterman pushes a button that doesn't even seem to appear on the panel. Why even put it there if you're trying to hide it? Couldn't someone press it accidentally? Man, those Luthors sure don't know shit about keeping secrets.
Ding! Lights come on and we see a huge empty warehouse. Lex looks around, amazed, as they walk across a catwalk way, high up. "Where is it? Where is everything?" Jitterman asks. The place has been cleared out. "There was a field of corn! With sprayers all over it! And every night they'd spray this green mist on it!" Jitterman yells. "What have you done with it?" Lex tells him that he was lied to, also. Clark shows up and gets in the middle of the tiff. Lex says he didn't know about the place, and asks Clark to believe him. Jitterman of course thinks Lex is just like his father. He starts to shake the catwalk and move around, scaring poor Lex. Then he gets the jitters and all hell breaks loose. The catwalk breaks. Lex and Jitterman fall, hanging by pipes. "Claaaark!" Lex roars, and for once, it's not a come-on. Lex falls again and ends up catching Jitterman's feet. They're both hanging at a great height as Clark looks on. "No! Oh, God!" Lex yells. Dramatic music plays. Clark inches over. He takes Jitterman by the hand and tries to help him up. The veins in his hand turn green and mottled. Even weak, Clark manages to pull Jitterman up. With Jitterman safe, Clark tells him to get to the elevator. Clark helps Lex up to safety and then totally leaves him there. Wouldn't Lex's arms be too weak from hanging to do any climbing on his own? No matter. They're all safe. But, wait! Jitterman starts to shake again, right on the edge of the catwalk and gripping the rail. Lex and Clark bum rush him, falling all over each other in a pile of manliness. The catwalk falls, crushing a bunch of canisters below and releasing a green powder. "Clark," Lex asks, "how did you pull us up?" "I don't know. Adrenaline, I guess," Clark answers. It's better than Wheaties.
Outside. Jitterman is taken on a stretcher to an ambulance. Clark gets mad hugs from his folks, who are thrilled to see him. They hug and chat and it's all very Cliff Huxtable. Lex goes to his dad and says, immediately, "You lied to me." Papa Luthor denies it. "I said Level 3 wasn't on any plans. It wasn't." Lex asks what they were doing down there. Papa Luthor says it doesn't matter; it was a failure. "You almost got me killed," Lex says, showing some real hurt here. "You almost got yourself killed. It was your call, remember?" Papa Luthor reminds him. The media swarms in. Papa Luthor says he'll handle it. Papa Luthor says that Level 3 is a redundant storage area, and that Jitterman is a very sick man who needs medical attention. Lex jumps in and adds that the company is going to find Jitterman the best medical attention. "Here at Luthorcorp, we always put family first," Lex says, trying to rub it in. Papa gets asked if the government is trying to shut down his company. "Please, please," Papa says, "my son has been through quite an ordeal." He uses the photo op to hug his son lamely. As the hug happens, Lex sullenly looks over toward the Kent family, who are all hugs and smiles. Bo Duke even gives Clark a little mock punch on the nipple. It's sweet. Lex looks like the saddest boy in the world. Sad music plays. Close-up on Lex and his hurt. Blackout.