For the second week in a row, we don't get any "Previously"s to start the show. I like to think it's because the producers think every episode is a unique and individual snowflake-like jewel of brilliance. But more likely, it's so you won't notice that we've had four episodes and four consecutive villains-of-the-week. The X-Files called. They want their storylines back.
American flag. Speedy alt-rock music. We pan down from the foreground flag to reveal a town bank. It's a flat building jutting a blue and white flag hanging down from the building with an "S" on it. Inside, a sign depicting a smiling man reads, "Make your dreams a reality!" The "S" of the Smallville bank logo is prominent as our boy Lex Luthor walks into the frame. He's wearing a snazzy suit complete with a tie. He takes a gander around and then walks past, carrying a red backpack. Through blinds, we see into a tiny office where a Prototypical Bank Manager sees Lex and hurriedly hangs up a phone, gets out of his chair, and comes out to greet our young pre-evil genius. Bank Manager Man, who is also wearing a suit and looks like a blond J.T. Walsh, rushes up to Lex. "What can I do for you today?" the manager asks. Lex coolly tells him he wants to close all of his accounts. Manager expels some air and asks why. "Is there a problem?" Lex asks, probingly. "No, no, no," Manager backpedals. He says that the Luthors have just been banking at the Smallville Bank for twelve years, and it's a shock. Lex gives him a big smile and replies, "I'd like it all in cash." Bank Manager, who is acting really fussy, expels another panting burst of air and then says that the bank will do its best. Bank Manager asks Lex for his signature. Lex signs a slip of paper while turning his head to give Bank Manager a coy silly smile while he does it. Tease. Bank Manager opens up a card catalog-looking drawer and pulls out another piece of paper. It shows that Lex's signature is completely different than the one on the slip he just signed. Suspicious pounding dark music plays. Over on the other side of the counter, Lex is still grinning up a fey storm. Bank Manager walks over with the wee slip of paper in his hands and asks to see Lex's driver's license. Lex looks nervous. "Why?" he asks, as his hand twitches. This bank has the nicest flat-panel monitors on the counters. How can a small-town Kansas bank afford that? Oh, right. Crap interest rates. Bank Manager says he has to verify Lex's ID. Lex sounds angry all of a sudden, saying, "I'm standing right in front of you." He pissily takes off his red backpack and throws it on the counter. Bank Manager says it's policy. Whoa! Lex is packing heat! And he's carrying a gun! Lex whips out a huge, huge pistol and points it at the poor manager. "I need the money now," he says, as the camera zooms in, very From Dusk Till Dawn. The camera zooms in on Lex, then on Bank Manager from an opposing angle, then back on Lex. We got a three-zoomer. Lex bares his teeth, telling Bank Manager to fill up the bag.
Outside, Lex is running as if he's in the lost scene from Reservoir Dogs. Crap rock music is back. Lex barrels ahead, running into a short blonde woman and making her and the yellow flowers she's carrying spin. As he runs, Clark Kent is walking over from the other direction. He sees Lex, and they bang into each other, Lex's hand and elbow run across Clark's chest, lingering at the nipple. "Lex, what's going on?" Clark asks. "Get out of the way," Lex growls, baring his teeth again, and flinging Clark with his nipply arm. Clark is flung into a store window, and lands on racks of sunglasses. As he gets up from his fall, Clark seems to smile, as if to say, "Oh, that crazy Lex!" Clark looks up, and suddenly his vision changes to something out of Predator. He sees an x-ray view of Lex, only his inner body seems to contain deposits of little green patches. Plot device? Thy name is kryptonite. Clark looks all spooked. The skeleton looks around and then takes off. Clark's vision returns to normal, but his eyes are still wide with fear.
Inside the dimmest antique store you've ever seen, a mommish blonde woman carrying the same red backpack Lex had is running up a set of stairs, breathing hard. A girl comes out of a bathroom with her hair wet and a towel wrapped around her neck; she bears a passing resemblance to Alyssa Milano. Blonde Mom confronts Alyssa with the backpack; she pulls up a stack of bound money and asks, "Tina, where did you get this?" Creepy Daughter replies, "Promised I'd solve all of our problems," and walks right past Mom. "Tell me you didn't rob the bank yesterday," Mom says. So a day has passed. Got it. "I didn't," Creepy Girl says. Then, as Mom watches in horror, she morphs with bone-crushing sound effects into Lex. "Lex Luthor did," s/he says in Lex's voice. Wait. Where did her hair go? And how did she change her voice like that? And why is she wearing the same shirt-towel combo that Lex wore last week? It must be hard being as sexy as Lex because Shapeshifta' Girl morphs back into her long-haired self. "Stop it! Stop it, Tina!" Mom says, reminding Shapeshifta' that she'd promised not to creep her out like that anymore. They argue about the bank robbery, with Shapeshifta' saying that now the two of them can afford to have the perfect life. Perfect except for the whole creepy shapeshifting thing, of course. "Nobody's life is perfect," Mom says. And taking a page right out of Single White Female, Shapeshifta' Girl says, "Lana's is." Uh oh. She's what, Lana's fifteenth stalker since the show started? Mom's not having this Forbidden Lana Love. She tells Shapeshifta' that she's taking the backpack back, and will tell the bank she found it in a dumpster. The two of them start arguing and pushing each other back and forth. Before you can say Death Becomes Her, Mom has been pushed down the stairs and broken her neck. "Mom!" Shapeshifta' yells, but it's too late. She has officially become the Villain of the Week. Shapeshifta' looks around in panic, but Mom is really, really dead. Shapeshifta' runs over the phone and calls 911 as she looks into a mirror that was cracked in Mom's Great Fall. She stares at herself in the mirror, and when the 911 dispatcher answers, Shapeshifta' begs off and hangs up the phone. Now she's really a Villain of the Week.
Opening credits. Somebody save me from this song.
Kent Farm. We actually see animals on it this time. Note: this is the first time on Smallville that we've seen anything resembling actual farming activity. MamaKent is holding up a copy of the Smallville Ledger. The banner headline reads, "Lex Luthor robs bank." Sigh. First off, even a small-town newspaper won't be in business very long if it goes around libeling people like that on the front page. Lex is a robbery suspect until he is proven guilty in a court of law. And even saying bullshit like "alleged bank robber" is no protection against libel, because you're only quantifying the noun "robber." Any Mass Communications Law professor will tell you the same. ["Yeah, like a Mass Communications Law professor is watching Smallville." -- Wing Chun] Thus ends the libel rant. "Why would Lex Luthor need to rob a bank?" MamaKent asks, craning her neck around to watch the vast manliness that is Bo Duke as he circles the breakfast table behind her. "I've seen some pretty strange things in my day, but this definitely takes the cake," Bo Duke says. Then he sees Clark. "Well, almost," he adds. It's like Bo is connected to a Stupid Faucet that spouts gallons of inanities into his mouth. MamaKent says that $100,000 was stolen. "I know Lex. It wasn't him," Clark says confidently. For no reason at all, and definitely not for homoerotic reasons, Tracy Chapman's song "For My Lover" pops into my head. Bo Kent reminds Clark that he saw Lex with his own eyes. "I don't know what I saw," X-Ray Boy tells him. MamaKent says she hopes there's a logical explanation.
"Me too," we hear, and there's Lex standing outside the screen door. "I'd hate to think I have an evil twin." Lex leaves his mouth hanging open at that last word, like Mike Myers when he does Dr. Evil. Bo Duke fixes Lex with a reproachfully stern, manly, manly look. You could start a bar brawl with a look like that. "Lex, we didn't hear you pull up," MamaKent says. "May I come in?" Lex asks, but he's already walked into the house. "I promise I'm not packing heat," Lex says, holding his hands out. Oh, man. I am so not touching that line, lest I get more angry emails. "How come you're not in jail?" X-Ray Boy asks, probably envisioning the most prurient moments from Oz. Lex says it's because he was hosting two hundred people at a fertilizer seminar in Metropolis at the time of the robbery. Bullshit! I am, of course, speaking only about the subject of the seminar. Bo asks whether the police have any leads. He seems severely disappointed that Lex won't be doing hard time. Lex says that the police have no leads, but that X-Ray Boy is on the witness list. Clark says that the person he saw looked just like Lex. Lex says that the person's signature and fingerprints didn't match Lex's. MamaKent looks on with puckered lips. Lex asks X-Ray Boy whether his eyes might not have been playing tricks on him. He fixes Clark with a stare of inquisition. Clark ignores the question and asks what's going to happen. Lex says that he hopes the money will turn up, but that the tabloids will have a field day. He adds, "Certain people's opinions of me will be cemented in stone." Lex slyly looks over at Bo Duke when he says this. Bold little guy, Lex is. Bo does an ugly mock smile, then says, "I gotta go to work." Oh, yeah. On that "farm" of yours. Lex says he's sorry Clark got thrown through a plate-glass window. "I promise I'm not a criminal mastermind," Lex tells Clark, and I am reminded of Ike Turner. Naw, baby, I didn't rob no bank! Tina, come back! "A criminal mastermind would have worn a mask," Clark says, and then smiles slyly, giving Lex the Gayest Look of the Episode (we call it the "Gayle" Award on the forums). Lex smiles back. Love, love, LOVE!
Hip-hoppy music plays as we get a shot of Smallville High. The same shot, in fact, that we've seen four episodes running, with the same "Fly to Victory!" banner out front. Inside a gym, boys in yellow shirts and red sweats (ew) are doing the rope climb. A coach is barking out orders, and I swear at one point he yells, "That's the stuff!" Goodness. Pete and X-Ray Boy are standing together; Clark has his newly freaky eyes fixed on Lana Lang, who has her hair up and is walking with the rest of the girls toward the locker room. Lana turns for a second, and exchanges a quick look with Clark (or the camera, depending on what you think the point of view is here). She's a little sweaty, but still fully decked out in her full makeup. "Keep your eyes in your head, man," Sneaky Pete says quietly and with no inflection at all. That's what I like about Pete. He knows it's not really a joke, so he didn't try to sell it as one. You gotta respect that. X-Ray Boy suddenly squinches his eyes and puts his fingers on his temple, the universal sign for "I'm having a paranormal moment," as the sound effect of headache doom plays. Coach asks whether Clark is okay. Clark says his head hurts. Oldest excuse in the gym book, any gym coach will tell you. "That's because you need to get your blood pumping!" the coach says. That's just...wrong. Pete and Clark do end up on the ropes, literally, as they climb up near the top. Pete's actually winning, and the coach threatens X-Ray Boy with ten laps if Pete wins. "Looks like someone's doing laps," Pete says, as he wins. Yeah, you're going to feel really good about winning there when you find out in ten years that Clark let you win whenever the two of you competed. Suddenly, X-Ray Boy's face gets all worried; when we look back at Pete, he's Inside Out Man! We see his muscles and tendons as he asks Clark what's wrong. It's actually very nicely done. It's no Hollow Man, but then that movie had Kevin Bacon. ["And was the worst movie of 2000, if you ask me." -- Wing Chun] Clark looks even more scared and lets go of the rope as Pete yells after him. Clark lands flat on his back; instead of calling an ambulance, everyone just asks whether he's okay. Because he's Super, he is. Clark sits up, and he gets another Dead Zone-like flash. This time, his eyes are penetrating a gym wall and...well, hello! He's seeing inside the girls' locker room. All the girls are wearing colorful matching underwear. Not a cotton set of oversized panties to be seen in this Kansas high-school locker room. Not even a Carrie to come in and get pads thrown at her. "Turn it up! Without a doubt!" the music plays as Clark watches Lana come around wrapped in a towel. He can see through walls, but not a quarter inch of cotton fabric? Right. Lana turns her back to the camera and lowers her towel. We see Clark and his goofy-ass grin. The music climaxes. So does Clark.
Yellow Kent house. MamaKent and Bo Duke are asking questions about X-Ray Boy's new powers. He explains that sometimes he can see through walls; other times it's more like an x-ray. He tells the parentals that he gets a headache right before it happens. MamaKent says that she's sure there's some way he can control it. "I can see through things. How do I control that?" X-Ray Boy mopes. MamaKent says that his eyes have muscles, and that he just needs to learn to practice. Maybe he could do part-time work in the radiology department at a hospital. Bo Duke brings his ignorant ass into the conversation, telling X-Ray Boy that he needs to condition himself so he doesn't get random flashes. Are they hot flashes? This pisses X-Ray Boy off; he asks, "How am I gonna do that?" and marches off. MamaKent puckers. Bo Duke looks worried.
The girl door. Nasty Nell, wearing another tight top, announces to Lana that she has a visitor. I bet she's glad there were no "S"es in any of that, given her lisp. Shapeshifta' Girl walks over to Lana, who's doing some cleaning in a garage area and wearing her 3,443rd-favorite pink outfit. Lana asks why Shapeshifta' wasn't at school. Shapeshifta' says that her mother wasn't feeling well. Oh, tell the truth. She wasn't feeling anything at all. Shapeshifta' asks whether Lana got banished to the garage for quitting the cheerleading squad. Everybody seems to have this impression that Nasty Nell is this tyrant, but so far we've seen nothing but concerned-aunt sweetness from her. "At least now you have more time for your unpopular friends," Shapeshifta' Girl says out of nowhere. Emoting something like concern, Lana tells Shapeshifta' she's not unpopular. Lana asks what happened to that girl who didn't care what other people thought of her. She grew up to be Tori Amos. "She went to high school," Shapeshifta' answers. Lana says that at least Shapeshifta's mother doesn't try to run her life. Not anymore, at least. Again, evidence of Nell's brutish ways that we've never seen. Shapeshifta' says that if anything ever happened to her mother (cough, cough), she'd probably be shipped to a foster home because nobody gives a damn. "Thanks for that burst of cheer," Lana says with her Love The World smile. Shapeshifta' tells Lana that she has the perfect life. Lana says that Shapeshifta' can have it. Shapeshifta' says she'll settle for the outfit. Ew. Suddenly creepy music plays as Shapeshifta' stares at Lana. "Wouldn't it be cool if we were sisters?" she asks. She asks whether Nell would adopt her if anything happened to her (cough, cough) mother. Lana says nothing's going to happen. This coming from the girl whose parents were flattened by a stray meteor. One last intense stare at Lana from Shapeshifta'.
Clark is walking down the sidewalk in front of a movie house that interestingly doesn't list any movies on its marquee. However, there's a poster out front for The Lost Boys, and for that we must give props. X-Ray Boy is walking, walking, then BAM! He's got a headache this big, and it's got superpowers written all over it. He looks and sees people walking along, and now everything is in blue-ish X-Ray Vision. Weird swirling sound effects play. X-Ray Boy looks up and sees the same skeleton with greenish bits floating in the body as it opens a door and enters a building. Vision returns to normal just in time to see that it's Shapeshifta' Girl. MamaKent walks up behind X-Ray Boy and asks, "Did it happen again?" You mean you popping up out of nowhere like that? Yes, that happened again. X-Ray Boy says he's okay, and asks whether MamaKent needed to go to the antique store. Confrontation time!
MamaKent and X-Ray Boy enter the musty store. MamaKent calls out, "Hello!" and they are greeted by Shapeshifta' Girl transformed into her mother's body. "Hello, Mrs. Kent...I mean, 'Martha'!" she greets. Oops. MamaKent asks how business is doing. Shapeshifta' Mom says she's had so many sales in Metropolis that she's thinking of closing up the old antique shop. "You love this store!" MamaKent says. "Not really. I never wanted this life," Shapeshifta' says, and I giggle. X-Ray Boy asks about Shapeshifta' Girl. Shapeshifta' Mom says she's with Lana, and they're inseparable. X-Ray Boy says that he just saw her. "You must be seeing things," Shapeshifta' Mom says curtly. X-Ray Boy gets pouty, saying he's going to get some air. MamaKent asks about a lamp she had waiting. Shapeshifta' Mom doesn't know what she's talking about at first, but then plays it off. As Shapeshifta' goes out back to look for the lamp, MamaKent wanders around. She finds the broken mirror and, looking into it, spots something on the floor. A wad of cash! As the tinkly Murder, She Wrote music plays, MamaKent picks up the stack of bills. Just then Shapeshifta' comes out and plays it off again -- this time saying that a client paid her in cash. A lot of cash. Shapeshifta' tells MamaKent to come back in a week. As MamaKent leaves, Shapeshifta' slips a hand inside her purse and takes her car keys. After the Kent Woman is gone, Shapeshifta' locks the door, turns the "Open" sign to "Closed," and shifts back into Shapeshifta' Girl mode. Much bone crunching is involved. She fingers the car keys and smiles wickedly.
Outside, MamaKent is staring at a newspaper machine holding the diabolically libelous headline about Lex. She frowns, her lips doing that crazy pursing thing again. She looks up and sees her own truck hop the sidewalk and head for her. Clark is driving and he's got a mad, wicked Shapeshifty look in his eye! MamaKent dodges, successfully. The truck keeps rolling, knocking over stuff, and then makes a left and zooms out of the shot. The real X-Ray Boy runs up to his mom and asks whether she's okay. They hug. Dramatic music takes us to commercial.
Kitchen of the Kents. Discussion about the shanghaied truck, which was found out in a field. MamaKent reveals that Shapeshifta' Mom was acting strange, and that the stack of bills she found had a bank band around it. Bo Duke injects his wisdom by asking whether they really think Shapeshifta' Mom took her keys, turned into Clark, and drove the truck at her. MamaKent admits it's crazy. Clark gets up abruptly, because he's been exposed to the Wall of Weird and knows that anything is possible. Even crazy superpowers. X-Ray Boy reveals that he saw Shapeshifta's skeleton, and that it had bits of green in it and didn't look human. MamaKent has a ready explanation: the girl has a soft bone disease. How does that explain her hair and clothes shapeshifting? There is talk of experimental drugs and how she got better right after the Smallville meteor storm. X-Ray Boy says he wishes he could control his freaky vision. The parentals urge him to practice. Bo Duke, in fact, comes around and says that Clark can start small just as he's pulling something out of his pocket. I don't like where this is going one bit. Bo asks X-Ray Boy to tell him what he has in his closed hand. Clark guesses a pocket knife. Brilliant! Except that Clark knows his dad always carries it around in that pocket. Cheesy, near-Gayle smile from X-Ray Boy ends the pivotal kitchen scene.
Lana's garage of angst. She blows dust off a box that contains her mom's belongings, including pompons and an old diary. Sad music plays. Lana's about to cry and smear all her eye makeup, staining the floor of the garage forever. The bit shows Lana coming into the kitchen, where Nasty Nell is standing around minding her own business. Lana storms in; when Nell asks her what's wrong, Lana tells Nell, "You lied to me about my mother!" Nell looks shocked. Will Nell ever have a personality or non-Lana related line on this show?
The Lexmobile. Some guy is leaning against Lex Luthor's sweet silver ride. When Lex approaches the car carrying a foamy, hot coffee drink, he finds the guy standing there, to his car, by the curb. It's Roger Nixon, a Metropolis reporter. Nice. They made the nasty reporter a Nixon. He compliments Lex on the front-page photo. "I've read comic books with less fiction than your rag," Lex tells him. Nice dig. In case you're wondering, the guy works for the Metropolis Inquisitor, not the Daily Planet. Nixon -- an older guy with a flinty look -- whips out a folder he says is Lex's juvenile record. Lex says that those records are supposed to be sealed. "I'm a resourceful guy," Nixon says, adding that the robbery made him ponder a story about Lex's wild youth. "Does Club Zero ring a bell?" he asks. Let your imagination run wild on that one. He manages to perturb Lex enough to provoke an angry reaction. Lex threatens to sue. "Lawsuits take years," Nixon says. Lex regains his composure. He says that if Nixon wanted to print that story, he already would have. "I think you're looking for a payoff," Lex says. Nixon tells Lex that $100,000 will buy his silence. "I'd question your integrity, but you're a journalist," Lex tells the guy. Hey! Take that back, Lex! You're breaking my little heart. Nixon gives Lex a business card and tells him he has twenty-four hours. Lex turns on the ignition to his car. Because he's about to drive, it's mandated that crappy rock music has to play. Lex takes the business card and drives off.
Lana's house. Lana comes home after dark; Nell is waiting for her on the porch. She tells Lana her mother would have been proud of her, which she says is the truth. Lana yammers that her mom wasn't perfect, and that she didn't want to be a cheerleader or stay in Smallville, according to the found diary. Basically, the diary reveals that Lana's mother went through all the same things Lana's been going through. Nell tells Lana that she told her what she could handle. Nell also says, quite reasonably, that the diary is just a snapshot of a seventeen-year-old at that moment in time. Nell says that Lana's mom gave the commencement speech at her high-school graduation and that the line she remembers from it is, "I never made a difference here. But maybe my children can." What a dark, pessimistic, crap thought. Lana goes inside the house.
High-school hallway. Shapeshifta' Girl is just standing there in a pink outfit. Clark is across the hall staring at her as if trying to see through her pants and all the way into her uterus. "Hello, Clark!" we hear. It's those jolly jackals, Sneaky Pete and Chloe, trying to get X-Ray Boy's attention. Clark asks whether they know anything strange about Shapeshifta' Girl. Chloe says nothing that would necessitate Clark's steely gaze. Pete pipes up that the girl adores Lana. Who in this town doesn't? Chloe says that Shapeshifta' wants to be Lana's clone. How right she is. Pete and Chloe leave, allowing Clark to continue his one-man staring contest. Shapeshifta' notices Clark's look and glares at him. He averts his eyes.
Jocko Whitney and Lana exit a class, and are accosted by Shapeshifta' Girl in the hall. "I swear that girl's got you lojacked," Jocko whispers to Lana. "How do you like my sweater?" Shapeshifta' asks them. It's the same pink one that Lana was wearing earlier. Shapeshifta' says she got it at the same store as Lana, when she went on a shopping spree. She also shows off an emerald necklace she's got. She's Jennifer Jason Leigh! "Why am I not surprised?" Jocko says. Is he...dare I ask...acting? Good heavens, boy, stick to moving your floppy hair around for the camera! Shapeshifta' Girl gives Jocko a sour look, and he leaves. Shapeshifta' has Lana all to herself now, and she asks a big favor. She tells Lana that her mother's moving to Metropolis, and that Shapeshifta' wants to move in with Lana and Nell for a few months. She even offers to have her mom pay them and to buy a horse so that they can fulfill some crazy girl fantasy. Cuckoo! Lana hesitates and says she doesn't know whether it would be a good idea. This pisses off Shapeshifta' Girl. Her mood gets darker and darker until she finally goes off on Lana. She accuses Lana of just pretending to like her. Crazy girl! "You should have said yes, Lana!" she yells. "It would have been perfect!" and storms off. I'm more afraid of her than I was of Electricity Guy, Bug Boy, and The Wonder Coach combined.
Shapeshifta' goes to her locker. X-Ray Boy follows. When she walks away, he goes over to her locker and looks through it. There's the bag of money! Hooray for our superhero teen! "Clark!" we hear. It's Shapeshifta'! Run, Clark! "What's your glitch, huh? Why do you keep staring at me?" X-Ray Boy brilliantly improvs, "Uh, I dunno." He says sorry and walks off. She looks at him, darkly.
Kent Family Barn. X-Ray Boy tells it all. The locker, the X-Ray vision, everything. She's so busted.
At the antique shop, suspense music plays as Shapeshifta' spots two cops approaching. We hear her bones a-crunchin' as she turns into her mother. She leaves the stores as the cops arrive. They say they're looking for her daughter. They tell her everything: the money from the locker, and that somebody from the school ratted her out. They're not supposed to shoot their mouths off like that! Worst cops ever. The wheels of revenge are in motion.
Barn again. Clark is sitting, staring deeply into a football-shaped piggy bank. Is that the most corny teen Americana object ever? Did he get it with his Sports Illustrated subscription? Lana walks in wearing a yellow sweater thing. She asks what he's doing. He's trying to figure out how much change is in the bank. "You could always take it out and count it," she says. But that wouldn't be Super, would it? Lana tells X-Ray Boy that Shapeshifta' Girl was caught with the bank loot. Lana starts talking strange about Nell and dual identities and the outer face that everybody sees. Is something...fishy going on? Clark says he knows how she feels. "I think you're the only person who sees me for who I truly am," Lana says. Then she kisses Clark, big time. Okay, I completely suck because I fell for this, hook, line, and sinker. The kiss is this awkward thing. Clark sticks out his tongue like it tastes awful. It's just a bad, bad kiss. "What about Whitney?" he even interrupts to ask. He wants to kiss Whitney? "Forget Whitney," she says. "I've had my eye on you." More bad kissing. Then we hear the telltale bone crunching. Clark pulls back and he's kissing Shapeshifta' Kissa! "I don't know how you found out about that money, Clark. But you should have stayed out of my life," she says. She pushes Clark (when did she get super-strength?) and throws him through the barn wall. He lands a ways down outside on the ground. She walks away as we go to commercial. And while we're on the subject, if her body is all full of kryptonite, why didn't X-Ray Boy get sick when he kissed her? Ah, consistency.
MamaKent and Bo Duke find X-Ray Boy in the barn. He fills them in on the super-strength and the shapeshifting. "Tina can turn into whoever she wants and I'm the only one that can tell the difference," Clark says. What, with your super-sloppy kisses?
The new, non-torched offices of The Torch. Wow, they must have had some grant money tucked away, because you would never know a fire raged through here just a week ago. Chloe seems oblivious to this weird tidbit herself. She's working away on an iBook. Lana approaches. "The girl who writes the pom-pom parade is out with mono," Chloe snarks. Lana needlessly compliments Chloe on her job steering the paper. Chloe apologizes for her snarky response earlier (I still don't like her, apology or not), and Lana continues buttering her biscuit with flattery. Lana is good at manipulation, because soon she's got Chloe digging up old copies of the paper looking for her mom's graduation speech. It's all very Nancy Drew, this investigation. Chloe discovers that the '77 prom theme was Saturday Night Fever. They also find that the graduation speech wasn't printed due to its "controversial nature." Bummer. Chloe offers to keep looking for a copy.
The suave palace of Lex. "Can I fix you a drink?" Lex asks seductively of the nasty reporter Nixon, who is visiting to pick up his extortion money. The fireplace is going. Stacks of money sit on a table. The reporter doesn't want to stay. "You're feeling pretty good about yourself, aren't you?" Lex asks. Nixon takes the money, slips it into a bag Lex provided, and moves to leave. "If you walk out that door, I will make you disappear," Lex says. What follows is the smoothest transition to somewhat-evil I've ever seen. "You gonna have me killed?" Nixon asks, bemused. "No," Lex assures him, "you'll be very much alive." Lex tells him that he's going to have Nixon's identity erased, clearing all evidence that he ever walked the earth. Go, Lex! Wish I could do that to a certain person who cybersquatted a domain name of mine. "You're bluffing," Nixon says. Lex leans over the pool table, massaging the pool cue as is his phallic wont. Lex tells Nixon to call the bank and see whether his account still exists. If his cell phone still works, that is. "What did you do?" Nixon asks with dawning horror. Lex assures him that he'll have a new identity: a less savory one. One with murder or drug dealing in the mix. "Either way, you'll lose your house, your life and your family," Lex tells him. Nixon gets desperate, saying he just wants to leave the money and call it even. Lex don't play that. He says he knows that Nixon has a brother who works for the juvenile courts. That's how Nixon got Lex's record. "Leave him out of this," Nixon whines. Lex says he's not the one who got the brother involved. Evil Lex, go! Lex thrusts his cue stick menacingly and asks whether Nixon thought he could just shake Lex down because he was a rich boy. "Trust me. When I make things disappear, they stay buried," Lex says. He turned evil so fast! I thought it would take at least two seasons. Lex then makes his offer. He wants Nixon to be in his pocket. To run stories in the Inquisitor when Lex asks for them. A journalism slave. How handy! Lex leads Nixon to a room where the twisted wreckage of Lex's car from the first episode sits under bright lights. Lex says he wants to know how he's still alive after crashing the car at 60 mph. The reporter's going to help solve that mystery. Uh oh.
Nighttime. House 'o Clark. Clark is sitting on the porch trying to see through the lead box that Lex gave him for Lana's necklace. It doesn't look like he's having much success. Lana comes up wearing the pink sweater. Clark stares at her for a moment and reveals that he wasn't sure whether it was really her. She ignores the weirdness inherent in that remark and says she was jogging and just ended up there. Whiny strummy music plays. Lana tells X-Ray Boy about her mom's diary and her fight with Nell. She reveals that a lot of the things her mom felt then, she's feeling now. "It's great and it's frustrating and it's scary. Like she could see right through me," Lana says. She asks whether Clark ever felt like that. "More than you know," he says. I think I just got hit on the head by a stray block of cheese. Did anybody see that? More talk about the dead mom. Lana asks whether Clark ever tried to find his biological parents. He says no, and that they're a million years from his life now. Only he forgot to add the word "light" to the word "years." He says that if he could talk to his parents, he would ask what happened and why they let him go. And why he has these crazy powers like being able to slice a pizza with his bare hand! What kind of strange pizza-cutting planet did he come from? Clark finally tells Lana that he hopes she finds what she's looking for. She looks like she's about to cry.
Lana finds what she's looking for in the hallway at school: Jocko Whitney. She sidles up to him, all flirtatious in her pink outfit (again with the pink?), and tries to seduce him. She hugs and kisses and displays a personality. In other words, it's not really Lana. "What's gotten into you?" Jocko asks her. She looks a mite sexy here. He says he could get used to the new, more ho-y Lana. Jocko mindlessly says he has homework to do. Yeah. Right. Shapeshifta' Lana asks to borrow his jacket. He hands it over. She shifts back after he leaves, one letterman jacket wiser.
Clark and Pete are walking down the street past some pumpkins on display. "So you're telling me Tina can bend her bones like a contortionist?" Sneaky Pete asks. Notice the complete lack of arousal at that remark on Clark's part. X-Ray Boy confirms that bit of trivia. "I'm sorry. This is usually Chloe's territory. I cover girls, football, and general guy stuff," Pete says. Chloe, he tells Clark, covers Tales of the Unexplained. I should ask her about Shapeshifta' Girl's kryptonite body and why it doesn't affect our hero. X-Ray Boy says he called Chloe, and she said she was busy. You know what happened to Clark? He got Dismissed. Is Pete still talking? Shut up, Pete. Clark and Pete make it to the front door of the antique shop. It's closed, but that's no problem for X-Ray Boy. He's broken and entered four weeks running. But alas, this time he doesn't have to. He uses his super vision and sees a human body stuffed in a shrunk. Is "shrunk" the right word? Or am I thinking curio cabinet? Or armoire? Or perhaps it's a vanity. Whatever it is, it stinks of dead body. Clark panics and says he has a hunch and has to get inside the antique shop. Now they do break and enter, through the back. Pete doesn't even seem to mind all that much. Clark goes straight to the...uh...wooden thing, and opens the door. A bloated, very dead body of Shapeshifta's Mom rolls out. This is Pete's big Emmy moment. He says, with no inflection: "Whoa. Who's that?" Get that acceptance speech ready, Sneaky Pete. X-Ray Boy actually tells Pete here that he can see through walls, but Pete just says, "Very funny," and asks how she died. "Broken neck," Clark says, blowing his cover once again. This time Pete takes him a little more seriously. "I'm guessing," Clark adds, lamely. X-Ray Boy finds some notes on top of a counter. It's miles of attempted "Lana Lang" signatures. Clark supposes that Shapeshifta' Girl is going to "take it to the level" with Lana. Hopefully with some romantic, non-alt-rock music. "She wants to become Lana," Clark says ominously. I guess that works, too.
Graveyard. Lana is talking to her mom's gravestone about the diary she found. She says that now her conversations with the dead woman don't seem so one-sided. "Every time I get closer to you, something pulls me away," she says. At that moment, Jocko Whitney comes up from behind. He comes on angry and pissy: "They're dead, Lana. You have this great life and you can't even see it." Who knew Jocko could act? Lana looks all sad. "You don't deserve your life," Jocko tells her, and leans in, full of juicy menace. Bone-crunching transformation. Now it's Shapeshifta' Girl, but somehow she remained the same height as Jocko. Will wonders never cease? "I do!" Shapeshifta' growls. She grabs Lana and starts to choke her. After roughly three seconds of choking (Lana's lungs must have been turned walnut-sized by that kryptonite necklace), Lana collapses on the ground. Shapeshifta' grabs the kryptonite necklace and holds it lovingly.
I may be a simple man, but monkeys instant-messaging is just funny to me. I can't help it. The only thing that would make that AOL/cell phone commercial funnier is if a message said, "You've got bananas!"
Tales from the Smallville Crypt. Lana is in a coffin, on her back, in a scene right out of first-season Buffy. She wakes up holding her neck and coughing. There's a skull right to her, at about waist level. It's the dead body of Hervé Villechaize! Lana breathes hard and pushes at the coffin lid, without success. But, look here! It's X-Ray Boy! Jogging through the graveyard! Just in time! He sees the shadowy form of Jocko Whitney approach. Why would Shapeshifta' Girl bother turning back to Whitney? Isn't it Lana she wants to be? Ew. Maybe she had some sort of self-sex/multiple-self-partners thing going. X-Ray Boy asks about Lana. Jocko says he hasn't seen her. He's holding the kryptonite necklace in hand and Clark suddenly gets the Weak Knees of Villainy. "What's the matter, Clark? Not feeling well?" Shapeshifta' Jocko asks, then whales on Clark with a metal pipe in the back. X-Ray Boy buckles under the blow, of course. You gave that necklace back, why, Clark? "Where's Tina?" Clark asks in a small voice. "Tina doesn't exist anymore!" Shapeshifta' Jocko says, and I get a weird Brandon Teena vibe from that. More pipe whalin'. Clark gets thrown across the graveyard, breaking gravestones as he falls on them. "I know what it's like to live with a secret," Clark moans. Shapeshifta' Jocko doesn't really care. He/She takes off the letterman jacket and throws it aside, along with the necklace. He/She says this He/She is really going to kill Clark. Pipe is raised. Kryptonite necklace fades to dark. Clark gets his powers back and zooms away in a blur as the pipe falls. He shows up behind Shapeshifta' and flatly says, "Where's Lana?" Now I get a Twin Peaks flashback to "How's Annie?" Brawling. Fighting. Wussy swing-pushes into papier-mâché gravestones. "Who are you?" Shapeshifta' asks. "Where is she?" Clark asks. If they could just get a mediator, this could all be solved much more quickly. In one final blow, X-Ray Boy throws Shapeshifta' and He/She hits a big tree and falls. Bone crunching as Shapeshifta' Jocko turns into Shapeshifta' Girl. Same clothes and height, mind you. "Lana!" Clark calls out. He uses his X-Ray eyes and scans the graveyard. He sees a remarkably spry corpse pushing against the lid of a coffin in a crypt. He also notices Jimmy Hoffa's body in the far end of the graveyard, but he ignores that.
X-Ray Boy speeds to the crypt, throws off the gate with a superhuman burst of something, and enters. He punches right through the cement lid. Couldn't he have just slid it off? What if he punched Lana in the gut? Lana's inside, her makeup looking remarkably lifelike. She sighs. X-Ray Boy carries her out of the crypt.
Ambulances and police are in the Kent neighborhood. Chloe comes up to Clark as Lana stands in the background. Chloe says that, as concerned as she is about X-Ray Boy, she's actually there to see Lana. Chloe is so playing the jealousy tip right now. She goes over to Lana and produces an audio cassette of Lana's mom's graduation speech. "Chloe, thank you," Lana says. "No problem," Chloe says with a marked lack of sarcasm, and walks off, her ugly red scarf hiding all the hickeys she wishes were there.
MamaKent and Bo Duke come up to Clark. Bo, dumb as a bag of nailed mice, says he doesn't understand why a girl would do such a thing as Shapeshifta' did. Clark does. You see, he used to be a Shapeshifta' Girl himself. No, not really. But he does understand what it's like to hide a gift you have and live with a secret identity. "You get jealous. You just want to be someone else," he says. Bo walks off, but MamaKent sticks around as Clark watches Jocko Whitney come up to Lana and hug her. Does Lana know about the shapeshifting? Because if not, I would think she'd still be pissed about all the things Shapeshifta' Jocko said about her parents. "You really like her, don't you?" MamaKent says, rubbing a special, imported sea salt into her son's wounds. Jocko and Lana go inside Lana's house, and Clark follows them with his gaze. He turns on the super-vision and sees through the door to watch them kiss. Poor, poor superpowered boy. "Mom, if you could see anything, what would you do?" Clark asks her. She briefly considers the dressing room at the La Bare Male Dancers club she frequents, but holds that in and says, "Learn to close my eyes." Clark smiles. They walk off. Garth Brooks must be around because I hear the thunder roll.
Later. A red shiny truck. Rain splatters on the hood. Lana sits inside ready to listen to the tape of her mother. She pops it in. The squeal of a microphone. A principal introduces valedictorian "Lara Potter." Although the closed captioning calls her "Lara Lang." Cheers. She says that every commencement speech has started the same way as hers does, but that the rest of her speech won't be reassuring. She says that she never made a difference, but that maybe her children will. How sad that your life is over at eighteen. She was a half-empty glass of gin kind of woman, I'm guessing. Lana almost starts to cry. A nice Shelby Lynne song plays as we pan out of the truck and onto a patented Smallville crane shot. We watch Lana as if from a very low part of Heaven. Fade to black. "What happened to you? I can't get to you," Shelby sings.