Search thousands of recaps and more

By Omar G

More rasslin' and struggling. Jane and Lana land on the floor. Jane starts to choke the crap out of Lana. She grits her teeth and smiles as she does it. Lana's eyes suddenly glow pinky-purple. Jane gets scared. Lana throws her over. She reaches for the stone, which is, like, three inches away, but instead of just grabbing it, she uses Bullshit Witch Force to fling it toward her own hand. Fuck this Yoda shit. Lana/The Countess raises the artifact above her head with both hands, taking about twenty minutes to do so, during which time Jane Seymour makes no move to defend herself. The stone comes down. Stabby! It gets Jane right in the chest. She gasps. A white light comes from the wound and bathes Lana/The Countess. Lana looks like she's having an orgasm. Close-up on her back, where that pesky shaft-and-two-balls tattoo glows, then disappears. Lana opens her eyes. Jane dies. Wow, you can't really see it without HD, but Jane's got a case of the fur-face. The Countess is gone. Lana sees blood on her hands and starts to freak out. Did I do that? Lex is in the doorway, the top button on his black shirt unbuttoned. He's ready to party, murder-style. Lana shakes. Smell ya later, Seymour.

Kent Farm at night. Tinkly mystery music is playing. Clark is sleeping on the couch. Again. Is fighting with Lex all the time really worth it, Clark? Just kiss and make up, already. The camera swivels on sleeping Clark's face. We start to see some lights on it. He wakes up suddenly, wondering what's up. The TV goes on, set to static. All the lights in the house flicker on and off. The gas fireplace turns on with flames. Flames, I tell you! A grandfather clock's hands are spinning, and the chimes go off. They sound exactly like the grandfather clock my parents bought in the Black Forest that used to go off at all hours of the day. An ancient radio on top of a mantle has a dial that turns back and forth like a windshield wiper. Clark thinks, "Electricity...I've always suspected...it's evil!" Shelby the Dog goes to the front door and scratches on it. Clark is about to have one of those close encounters of the turd kind, right in his pants. Clark goes to investigate. Dumb-ass. He opens the door and is bathed in bright white light. Oops. If he were wearing tights, they'd be soiled right now. Clark walks into the light. Outside, it's totally not even that bright in the front yard. Shelby barks. Clark looks to the sky and sees colorful light. We're basically seeing the aurora borealis here. Clark looks amazingly unimpressed with this celestial light show. Even Shelby is emoting more. Hey, I think I see the Virgin Mary up in those lights! The lights come together to form one very bright dot of swarming light. It blasts at Clark.

Clark wakes up, back on the couch. Weirdest nocturnal emission ever! And what's with all these bits of coal and crushed diamonds all over the couch? Clark shakes off his red front-cape blanket as Bo and MamaKent rush over to tell him he was having a nightmare. Season 4! It was all just a terrible dream! Bo, a little pissy, says, "You scared the daylights out of us with your screaming!" The proof: it's dark. MamaKent says that Clark was yelling, "It's coming! It's coming!" over and over. We've known each other a long time. I'm quite sure you're capable of writing your own dirty joke in this spot. Here's one to get you started: "So that was Lex's face in the sky!" Close-up on Clark. He breathes heavily. Afterglow.

Cut to: a meteor! It hurtles through the cosmos. There's a blue explosion within the rock, and it breaks up into smaller pieces. Hey, I think I see Bruce Willis in there. The CGI-camera swivels at the meteors pass. We cut to a complete rip of 24 as a countdown begins at "14:20:00.00" and quickly goes from there. This might be exciting if I didn't see it about eight times every week on the FOX network. We go to opening credits.

You know, without commercials, this episode is only about fifty minutes long. That's not even an HBO one-hour drama, much less a "special ninety-minute episode." Wankers.

Commercials. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. When you just have to see gorgeous people run around shooting shit and being the perfect couple. It's a date movie for people who want to hate their lives.

Stately Luthor Manor at night. Those accent lights really pay for themselves. Inside, Lana is washing her hands in a large silver bowl. I initially thought it was one of those cool above-counter sinks, but no. It's just a big dish that Lana can dunk her bloody hands into without hopes of ever getting them clean. Out, damn Jane Seymour blood! Lana, still shaking, mumbles that she doesn't even remember stabbing Jason's mom. Lex comes over with a ridiculous silver carafe to wash Lana's pwetty wittle wists. Dude, you live in a castle with no running water? Lana is a little sad that she killed someone. Lex tells her she had no choice. Bitch had it coming. Lex pours water on Lana's hands and lets her clean her still-bloody mitts on a brand-new hand towel. Lex says she did what anyone would do with their life at stake. Turn into an ancient French witch and stab someone with an artifact from space? Lex puts an arm around Lana and leads her to the couch. Uh oh. Murder sex. Lana says she has to tell Jason that she killed his mom. That's going to go over really well. Then she freaks out that she has a dead body in her apartment. She bum-rushes the camera and says she has to tell the police what happened. Yeah, that usually doesn't fly around Lex's place. Lex asks if that's wise. He says that Jane Seymour was very powerful and married to a very powerful lawyer. Lana cringes and says she's going to go to prison. She can be Roxie Hart from Chicago. "No," Lex says. He puts his hands on Lana's shoulders and says he's got the best defense attorney in the country coming in from New York. Unfortunately it's Zombie Johnny Cochran. "The defense...rests...for BRAINS! Your honor." Lana thanks Lex. Lex strokes her hair. He hugs her. There there, murderer. Lex tells Lana she has to stay in the castle and talk to no one. Lana breaks the hug when she suddenly realizes she doesn't know where her purse went. She runs to grab it. "Don't worry. It's still there," Lex says. "I'd never take it from you." Cut to a wide, high shot of the room as one of Lex's lackeys enters through the double doors. "We have a situation," the security guy says. They've never dealt with one before. What do we do!? Lex tells Lana that things will be fine. The camera moves over to profile Lana and get the bloody water in the silver bowl into the shot. Cut to Lana unwrapping the silk package from her purse. The artifact is bloody at its tip. Lana Lang ain't nuthin' to fuck wit.

Kent House, also at night. Hey, did you hear? There's a Batman Begins preview! No, wait, let me put a huge bug across the entire bottom half of the frame. Ah. There we go. Now you know! Clark is moping in the kitchen about how he thinks his dream was some sort of warning. Bo and MamaKent -- who are raising an alien son with superpowers -- naturally think it's nothing. Bo says that Clark used to have nightmares all the time as a kid. But those were all about the time he accidentally walked in on Bo doing improv comedy for the cows. Every suggestion from the audience was for a scene involving "Moo." Clark thinks he needs to do something if it is a warning. Bo thinks he needs to get some "shut-eye" so that he's not half-asleep during tomorrow's graduation. Eliminating the "daylights" should help with that "shut-eye." MamaKent agrees. Just then, a pair of awful blue pajamas attached to enormous and even worse bunny slippers clomp down the stairs. Ah, Lois Lane. I was worried I might find a reason not to be annoyed with this scene. Lois says she heard the commotion. She says, as if on a completely other show where her blathering is the norm, that she had a nightmare the week before about a guy in a red cape. "Wow, that's horrible Lois," Clark says. If you're going to go cheesy, could you at least make it tasty, edible cheese? This is moldy feet cheese. Clark takes a sip from his mug. Lois decides that this is the perfect time to tell the Kents that she's leaving. Wow, that entire-season guest spot just flew right by. Lois says she's been recruited by IRONSIDE! to go look for her sister in Europe. They're heading to Heidelberg the day. Sprechen sie "annoying"? Lois says with mock concern that she knows Clark will miss her. She asks him to keep his tears to a minimum. Yeah, this cute/hate thing never gets old. Clark smiles cutely. Bo takes a swig from his mighty bovine mug. Lois sincerely thanks the Kents for everything and says that they're the mom and dad she's always wanted. Bo says she's always welcome. "Actually..." Clark begins, but MamaKent cuts him off to say they all feel that way. Lois says she'll miss them. Shelby the Dog comes up to the table, and Lois acts like she won't miss him.

Lana's dark apartment. My wife and I just had a five-minute conversation about where everyone lives: "Chloe lives with her dad? I thought he was dead. Lana is in high school and has her own apartment? Why is Lois living with the Kents? She doesn't do anything? She's supposed to be in high school?" I just kind of throw up my hands and go, "This has been kind of an off season." Lex enters the apartment and runs his hand on the spooky but unbloodied tile. We hear a purr of a familiar voice. "I thought I'd do Miss Lang a favor and tidy up the place a bit," says Magnificent Bastard Papa Luthor as he turns on a light. He's sitting casually on a chair he isn't tied to. "She left quite a mess, quite a mess," Papa says, awesomely. Lex asks if Papa is looking for the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. My favorite thing on this show is when writers two decades older than the characters try to make cultural references. Papa says that for a woman without a heart, Jane Seymour sure had a lot of blood. Ha! This is how it's done, Lex. Lex asks what Papa Luthor wants. He says he wants to offer a trade: Lana Lang's freedom for the artifact. Lex asks if his search for the three Gay Stones of Knowledge isn't getting a little out of hand. Papa Luthor reminds Lex that he was the one looking for the things in Egypt. Papa Luthor plays with a piece of fruit that rolled off onto the floor, probably in the melee earlier. Lex insists that Lana has nothing to do with this. You know, except for murder and stuff. Papa says that Lex is trying to be the gallant hero saving the damsel in distress. Lex warns Papa Luthor to leave Lana alone. "All your life you've had a tendency to let the damsel lead you straight into the mouth of the dragon." A flashing light keeps illuminating Lex's face red. Papa warns Lex not to let his feelings for Lana cripple his common sense. As for crippling this show...well, it's a little late for that one. Papa expects to see the stone the day or he'll deliver Jane Seymour's body with Lana's DNA to the sheriff. Papa exits.

The moon! Where da cheese at? Meteor rocks are sailing past. A few hit the surface. We see the Earth off in the distance.

Cut to the satellite bases from the movie Contact A dude with dreads and glasses is reading Adbusters magazine. He notices an alarm on the radar. He calls his boss over to look. The radar geek says that the stones just came out of nowhere. The boss touches him inappropriately on the shoulder. There's a loud alarm. "My God. It's headed straight for earth," the boss says. Cut to the 24 numbers. Nine hours and counting.

Commercials. The iPod Shuffle apparently turns your body into linguine.

Kent Farm. The cows will soon be graduating from Bovine University! Inside, Clark still hasn't learned how to tie a tie. He struggles with one in the Barnness of Getdresseditude. Lois offers to help, ragging on Clark's hand-eye coordination. Instead of doing it the sexy way, tying it on him by pressing her chest against his back and reaching around his sides, she takes it off and puts it on her own neck. Clark says he's not sure what he'll do without her. Lois rags on Clark, saying he'll probably go to community college, major in agriculture and minor in law enforcement, pop out some kids with Lana after a church wedding. She says he'll join a bowling league and have "Little Clark Jr." Meanwhile, Lois will be a crack whore with a minor in sarcastic police mugshots. Clark says she's hallucinating. That would explain a lot. Lois says that hallucinating would be imagining Clark going to the big city to make his mark on the world. She ties the tie on Clark. He asks her about her plans. Lois says she will go and make it in the real world. She read in a magazine test that her perfect career would be radio disc jockey. Clark says it makes sense because she talks so much there'd be no dead air. Like the dead air right here, just now? Lois makes a face. Clark suggests journalism. He says she wrote a few decent articles for The Torch. "Kill me first," Lois says. She complains about her own spelling, says she'd never want to be stuck in a newsroom, and snarks that she'd probably end up sitting across from "the most bumbling reporter on the masthead." Uh, Lois, they don’t put reporters on the masthead. Clark adjusts his tie, crookedly. "Know what?" she says. "You actually look handsome for a change." Lois tries to smooth over their differences, starting with his tie. Clark apologizes for not being a better host. Lois says that she'll be the one cheering for him at graduation, praying that he won't trip. "See ya," she says, and leaves. Clark smiles.

Graduation! That's a very, very tiny audience. Names are called, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping one of them was, "Omar McChokesondick" or something. The audience is three neat sections of parents and well-wishers so far from the stage for no good reason that you expect them all to bust out into line-dancing out in front. Clark and Chloe -- in caps and gowns with giant yellow "V"s down their chests -- are walking in line. "Seen Lana yet?" Clark asks Chloe. Nice move, dickwad. Chloe says that Lana's never been tardy to school, much less missed it. Oh, that's such crap. She's hardly ever even there. Her photo is on school milk cartons. "She'll be here," says Clark as he and Chloe separate in line. Chloe makes a face.

We cut back to that behind-the-stage view. The guy calling out names is no Principal Asskick, I'll tell you that. "Clark Kent!" is called. Everyone goes, "Woo!" Bo tries to take a photo from way back there. Lois whistles. Clark accepts his diploma. If only he could read it. "Lana Lang!" is called. No answer. Everyone looks around. They call her name again. No Lana. We suddenly hear a war siren. Chloe turns in time to see a bunch of Army vehicles, including armored personnel carriers, approaching. Guess Chloe doesn't get to graduate. Where's her dad, anyway? As a huge humvee crosses the grass, the people at the graduation are told to remain calm, via loudspeaker. They're told that everyone in a fifty-mile radius is to be evacuated. They say that a meteor shower is expected to hit Smallville in three hours. Clark tries to look concerned. "Oh my God," MamaKent moans, "not again!" Everyone starts to panic. Clark strips off his gay robe and meets with Chloe, who seems way too excited about this. She says that this is twice in sixten years, so the town must have some sort of "extraterrestrial bull's eye on it." Clark says it's weird. Chloe says there must be something connecting the cosmos here; it's not just a coincidence. Chloe won't drop the point. She says there's something in town "screaming for celestial attention." Clark thinks, "What's a 'celestial' again? Is that a tea?" Chloe won't shut up. She says there must be a lightning rod. She tries to prod Clark into revealing his secret. He says they have to find Lana. Chloe agrees, and says that if anyone can find Lana with moments to spare, it's Clark. "Why do you say that?" he asks. Chloe says that he can get things done in half the time a normal person does. Clark turns on her. "I'm not normal?" he asks. Uh...awkward! Chloe assures Clark that he's normal, and suggests that they go find Lana. Lois shows up to be useless, suggesting that maybe Lana was already evacuated. Clark says that Lois and Chloe should leave, too. Lois blathers that everyone should calm down and not panic. Clark points out that Lois is the one panicking here. Oh. True. Chloe and Lois get into Chloe's meteor-tempting convertible. Clark glances around.

Kent Farm. The cows prepare to become flattened sirloin. Clark comes home as MamaKent and Bo are getting stuff together and asking where he's been. Weren't you just with him at the graduation? He didn't mention taking off? Clark says he's been looking for Lana, but can't find her. Bo asks Clark to pack his things from his room. Clark says he has to do something first. This is no time to re-hide your porn stash, Clark. You should have gotten a Porn Buddy when you had the chance. MamaKent senses that Clark is troubled; she makes sure he knows this isn't his fault. Clark thinks the meteor shower is coming to town for him. Smart theory, that. Bo says there's nothing Clark could do. MamaKent assures him that he doesn't have any time. "I don't have a choice," Clark says seriously.

Oh yeah. Meteors. In space. Headed toward earth. 24 countdown says: 02:21:02.00.

Instead of cutting to commercials, we go to Clark in the barn. He pulls out his old buddy, Mr. Hexagonal Disc. Hey, boys and girls! Remember me? Discy McPlotpoint? Lex is there, too, having eluded Clark's superhearing. "What are you doing here?" Clark asks as he tries to slip the hexagon into his pocket. Oh, put it somewhere that Lex hasn't been. Couldn't he hide the thing in superspeed? Lex offers Clark and his parents safe passage on his LuthorCorp jet. Go, go, go! He says that the roads are getting pretty ugly. One of them is wearing a muumuu. Clark says thanks but no thanks. He thinks they'll be all right. Lex glances at Clark's crotch. Is that a hexagon in your pocket, Clark, or did you get a massive piercing? Clark tries to hide his artifact boner. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex asks why Clark is taking the risk. He says that Clark and his family should get out of there. Clark says that Bo is trying to load up the truck with as much as they can take. Lex says he understands: "Some things simply can't be replaced." Lex shifts gears (or does he?) to tell Clark that his scientists have discovered a wall and secret room inside the Caves of Contrivance. "Really?" Clark asks. Lex asks if Clark found anything similar. Clark lies and says no. He asks why Lex is interested in the caves all of a sudden when there's a natural disaster on the way. Lex says that the caves are irreplaceable. Clark nods. Lex starts to talk, but Clark rudely interrupts him, all, let's hope they're not destroyed, and says he has to help his parents get going. He wishes Lex luck. Lex says he doesn't believe in luck (even though he's wished it on others before). He says it's our wits and fortitude that keep us safe. He tells Clark that he's got more than enough of both. Uh, wits? Really? "Stay safe," he tells Clark as he exits. Lingering close-up on Clark as Lex descends the stairs in the background. Ah. Symbolism.

Commercials. I get hungry from a pizza ad.

The Caves of Contrivance. Brooding music plays as Clark enters the double-dog secret room and slips his memory stick disc into the slot on the Octagonal Table of Interstellar Media Compatibility. Clark calls out for his father to talk to him: "Tell me what you've done!" Blinding white light. Clark is suddenly in the freaky blue soundstage zone. Or inside a ball you'd buy at Spencer Gifts. Jor-El tells Clark that he brought this upon himself. Clark asks what he did. Jor-El says that Clark was supposed to unite the Three Gay Stones of Knowledge. Oh those. Clark says that they have nothing to do with him. Jor-El says that the knowledge of the universe was for Clark only, but that he chose to deny his heritage. Kryptonian sell-out! Clark asks whether Jor-El sent the meteor shower as punishment. Jor-El says he didn't do shit. Human blood has been spilled on an artifact, which has created a great disturbance in the For-- er, in space. Clark asks how he can stop it. Jor-El tells him there's nothing he can do. He warned Clark about the damn stones and that the three need to become one. A Gay Stone Threesome, if you will. Jor-El says that it's the only way to save Earth from annihilation. That all worked really well in Chasing Amy. Clark yells that he doesn't know where they are. He whines that he doesn't have time. Jor-El says that if Clark doesn't get his ass in gear on those stones, there'll be a fire from the sky that even Clark won't survive. It'll be crispy. "The future of mankind rests in your hands, Kal-El," his dad says. Clark asks for help and says he can't do it alone. More white light.

Cut to the streams of flaming meteors above the Earth's atmosphere. One burns up right in front of us. on 24! Forty-five minutes until the meteors hit.

Kent porch. Shelby comes out as MamaKent follows through the front door. MamaKent's holding a yellow blanket that she says she can't believe she almost forgot. Bo's like, "Uh, yeah, woman, but we're about to get squashed." Clark superzips into the scene. Bo asks him to help secure the truck. Clark tells his folks they'll have to go without him. But they wanted you to push! Bo asks if he has to remind Clark that the last meteor shower that came was full of Kryptonite. MamaKent says that Clark could get killed. Clark says he spoke to Jor-El. His parents are both like, "Aw, FUCK!" Clark tells them he has to find the Gay Stones of Knowledge and unite them under the colors of Benetton or some damn thing. Completely full of emotion and rocking the line readings, MamaKent says, "No! You're my son! You're not going to go on some suicide mission!" Bo tells Clark that he may be stronger than steel, but that he's not invincible. Only a platitude for the ages can achieve that. "I know, Dad," Clark says quietly. He says he's the only one who can do this. Not looking that tired you can't. Bo and MamaKent look at each other gravely. Somehow that wins the discussion. "All right," Bo says. Clark looks like he's going to cry. Bo tells him to listen: all the years they spent raising him, from a toddler to the man he is now, "was for this moment." Daaaamn. "You do this, son, you make us proud," Bo says. It's by far the best and most convincing scene of the finale. Maybe of the whole season. Hugging. MamaKent cries. She hugs Clark, too. She puts her hand on his cheek and lets him go. Clark reluctantly walks away as his parents face the other way. MamaKent bitterly reminds Bo that the meteors can kill their son. "I know that, sweetheart," Bo says. Wanna take a platitude, Bo? I won't make fun. He says that if they have faith in their son, they can't let that faith waver now. Ah...sweetness. Now MamaKent really does lose it. Bo holds her.

Clark in the barn. He finds Lana there, looking mopey. Clark says he thought she had already evacuated. Meteor whaaa? Lana says she's scared. Clark says he knows this must bring back painful memories. But this time they have warning and they'll be safe. Lana says she's not so sure. She faces the camera and away from Clark. "I want you to have this," she says. Clark thinks, "Whoa, her virginity!" She digs the artifact out of her purse. Clark unwraps it. Sees the blood. Clark thinks, "Oh." "Where'd you get this?" he asks. "In China," Lana says. Lana says she thinks that, whatever it is, it somehow it belongs with Clark. See that insignia on it? That's totally Clark's avatar on Xbox Live. Lana, in a strange two-shot, says that all the times Clark asked her just to trust him is exactly like now, except Lana's now doing the asking. So that makes it all right? Clark tells Lana to go with his parents to safety. She says she can't. Lana, tears in her eyes, tells Clark that no matter what happens, she'll never forget him. It's right about here that I honestly began to believe they might kill off Lana. I'm pretty gullible, huh? Clark says she's making it sound like they're never going to see each other again. "I love you," she says, crying. It's a little late to start having chemistry with Clark, isn't it? Lana steps forward and kisses Clark. It's not awful. Lana's still about to cry when they stop kissing. Maybe it was a bad kiss. "I love you, too," Clark says. "Goodbye," she says. Me: gullible. Lana walks out of the barn holding her stomach. Cramps are a bitch.

Countdown. Nineteen minutes.

Stately Luthor Manor, daytime. Lana is using a phone just like mine to leave a message for Chloe to tell her she's all right. Lex takes the phone out of her hand and scolds her for talking to friends. Lana complains that she has to let her friends know she's all right. Lex asks if the stone is safe. "As safe as can be," she says. Lex says he'll put it in his vault. "Why?" Lana asks. Lex tells Lana that she's going to take a chopper to Metropolis until the lawyer arrives. Lex says it's best not to travel with the murder weapon. Lana insists that she hold on to it. Lex explains that it's what prosecutors call "the smoking gun." Lex tells Lana that he'll support any story of self defense she wants to use. "It's not a story, Lex," she says. She insists that she's not a murderer. "Of course not," Lex says. He doesn't really believe it, but he says he trusts her: "Now you have to trust me with that stone." Lana says she can't do that. Lex looks down. Will he be evil?

Kent Farm. The Kents, with their Beverly Hillbillies pile of crap, are leaving. They're stopped by a blue truck that brakes right in front of them. Oh. Dude! It's Jason! And he's hilariously bloodied up. He's not quite dead yet! MamaKent, Bo, and Shelby get out of the truck to help. He pulls out a shotgun and points it at them in response. Shelby barks. "I'm having what you'd call a rough day," Jason says. Bo tells him, "Calm down, son." Jason asks for Clark. Bo looks at MamaKent. He says that Clark's not there. Shelby growls. Jason shoots out a truck window. I really thought he was going to plug the dog. Percussion instruments play. Jason winces. We go to commercials.

Kicking And Screaming. That makes two too many movies for you this year, Will Ferrell. We'll see about Bewitched.

The countdown is back. Still about fourteen minutes. We see the "Meteor capital of the world" billboard to a traffic jam. That sign's not so cute now, is it, Smallville? This is the smallest traffic jam I've ever seen. Everybody's honking on a two-lane road. Chloe and Lois are heading in the direction opposite traffic, toward Lex's place. Lois asks why Lana would be there. Chloe says she's not sure, but she swears she heard Lex's voice in the background during their phone conversation. Chloe thinks she's in trouble. They're stopped by an Army dude just as Lois is telling Chloe that they're not going to get to Lex's without a jet pack. Chloe tries to explain about their friend. The Army guard is not impressed. Lois gets a determined (and gassy) look in her eye. She starts barking out orders to the soldier about how crappy his barricade is. It's really, really stupid. She invokes the name of her father, the general. Lois keeps berating the poor guy while Chloe sneaks out of the car and toward Lex's.

Meteor's-eye view of the Earth. I'm not sure you can see individual waves from space, guys.

Caves. Clark returns with the second artifact.

Lex at home. He finds Papa Luthor having a few drinks and asks him where his survival instincts are. Lex says that fire and brimstone (nice John Glover reference there) are about to rain down, and Papa's drinking like it's the country club. Papa says he's making sure his son is all right. Lex thinks it's really about making sure the element is here. Lex lies that he hasn't even seen Lana Lang. He thinks she's halfway to Costa Rica by now. Papa Luthor says that a face like Lana Lang's isn't easy to hide; he's sure some Customs official will spot her. Lex looks at Papa Luthor angrily as Papa takes another drink.

The caves. Clark does a lot of nothing.

Lex's. Lex tells Papa that if he leaves Lana alone, he'll get something he desperately needs. Papa snarks that there's very little he needs in life. "What good is a key if you don't know where the lock is?" Lex asks. Papa says that's wise, but asks how that applies to him. Lex says that Papa has one of the elements, but not the knowledge of where it belongs. He offers to take Papa Luthor there right now. Papa denies that he has the stone.

Caves again. Clark puts the bloody element on the table to the piece that's already there. Everything glows.

Papa Luthor is suddenly struck by space science. Something element-shaped in his jacket pocket shines through. It flashes white and Papa falls to the floor. Science! Papa Luthor convulses on the floor. Lex comes over. He reaches into Papa's pocket and is struck as well. Lex flies across the room and hits a back wall. He just got kicked in the chest by Charlie Murphy!

Caves. The element slots all glow, even the one with the missing stone.

Lex's. Lex wakes up. Pained, he walks over to Papa. Security comes in: "Mr. Luthor? What happened?" Papa Luthor lies there, eyes wide open, not moving. I really thought he was dead. Lex demands that the guard take Papa Luthor upstairs. But, but... "Do it!" Lex yells. He looks down at comatose Papa Luthor. "Can you hear me, Dad?" Lex asks. "Before you leave this earth I want you to know...you did create the son you always wanted." The camera spins around as the guards carry Papa Luthor roughly out of the room. Percussive music plays. The blue element on the floor of Lex's room glows blue.

In the caves, Clark is struck by a piercing sound. He holds his ears.

Lex's. Lex goes to the element. He stares at it as it smokes, but stops glowing.

Commercials. Ooh, Disney resort. Sign me up!

Stately Luthor Manor. The artifact, now sitting in Lex's safe, glows blue again. Clark superzips into Lex's lair and holds his ears. He's tracked down the high-pitched sound. Lex grabs one of the shelves and pulls the safe entrance from there. Inside, a bunch of artifacts from China start glowing green. Clark gets nauseated and falls on the floor. Nice one.

Countdown. Five minutes. Where's Kiefer when you need him?

Kent home. Bo and MamaKent are being held hostage by a shotgun-toting Jason. Bo asks him to let MamaKent go. Jason, projecting a bit, says that a mother always knows a son's deep, dark secrets. God, I hope that's not true. Jason asks where Clark keeps the stones. MamaKent asks what Clark would be doing with ancient stones. Hey, he didn't say they were ancient, lady! MamaKent is trying to tie Bo up, but Jason gets frustrated with her progress and shoos her away. Jason says that when he ran into Clark in Shanghai (it says "Beijing" in the closed captioning), he decided to investigate. He pushes MamaKent around as says he's learned that Clark's name pops up a lot in connection to weirdness. He yells at MamaKent to sit down, and pushes her roughly again. MamaKent she says she doesn't know what he's talking about, and Jason cocks his shotgun at her. Jason asks about Clark's connection to Margot Kidder. "I don't know! I don't know!" MamaKent gasps. Bo bellows that none of that makes any difference now. Jason monologues that his mom told him the Luthors would lead them to the stones, but "it was the farm boy." He says that Clark has no record of ever being born. Bo yells that the meteors are coming. MamaKent tells Jason he has to find his mother and get her to safety. Jason falls apart: "Don't you think I know that!? I can't find her anywhere!' Jason says that when he finds her, he'll be able to give her the thing she's been searching for all these years. A decent part in a good movie? Jason shoots at the ceiling. He spins on MamaKent, and screams: "Now tell me where the stones are!"

Space. The meteors are still coming.

Lex's estate. A helicopter is landing. Lex yells, "I'll meet you in Metropolis!" as he walks with Lana. "You're not coming?" she asks. Lex says he has a pressing matter. He tells Lana, "For your own safety...I need that stone." Lex says it's too dangerous for her. "I don't have it," she says. "Lies don't become you," he says. Lana tells him that the stone is safe. She promises. "Where is it!?" Lex screams. He grabs her purse and begins to dig through it. "This was never about my safety, was it?" she asks. Lana figures out that it was about Lex getting his hands on the stones. You should have seen what he did to the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Lex stops and looks pretty defeated. He gives her back her purse. Then he grabs her head on both sides of her face. She grimaces. "Lana," he says, "your safety is more important than any of this." Lex tells her she means a lot more to him than she knows. Lana doesn't seem quite sure whether she should believe him. The helicopter pilot says it's time for them to go. Lex reluctantly lets Lana go. He walks away from the helicopter, looking at odds with himself. Lana stares after Lex as the craft takes off. We get a helicopter view of Lex, alone on the landing grass.

Lex's study. Chloe walks in, calling for Lana. She finds the room in disarray and sees Clark on the floor. Chloe goes to help. Clark's got the artifact in his hand. Chloe notices the green glow and figures it must be hurting Clark, so she drags him away from the safe. The Chinese statue's eyes fade from their bright green glow. Lex walks in to find his shelves messed up and Chloe nearby. We hear Clark whoosh out of the room, but don't see him. Chloe says she was looking for Lana. "She's already left. What happened?" Lex asks. Chloe says she just walked in. Lex sees that the artifact is missing. Couldn't he have hidden it better in the safe? Lex says Chloe knows more than she's saying: "Who did this?" Chloe says she just came for Lana. Lex slams his hands on both sides of the safe doorway. Lex says that Chloe's curiosity seems to always get her in precarious positions. He spins on her and grabs her by the arms, pushing her back. He tells her she's on a narrow ledge with only one way back. "Now, who took the element?" he yells. Chloe swears she doesn't know. "Gah!" Lex yells, pushing her aside. Chloe suggests that they get out of town. Lex says he's finding that stone even if he has to dodge a few meteors. "You're coming with me," he says, and grabs her by the arm. They leave the room, still playing Good Chloe/Bad Lex.

Countdown. One minute twenty-five seconds.

Jason the gunman. He tells Bo to talk or he'll blow MamaKent's brains out. Bo tells MamaKent to go ahead and tell Jason where the stones are. MamaKent starts to tell Jason to go up to Clark's room. Bo gets up in his attached chair and bum-rushes Jason. Jason slams into a post and drops his gun. Bo's chair breaks. He tries to untie himself while Jason, on the floor, reaches for the gun. MamaKent stomps on Jason's hand. He manages to flip MamaKent by pulling on the leg of her jeans. She kicks Jason. They struggle with the shotgun. He gets it and chokes her with it. Bo Duke gets up and turns Jason around, and then punches him. The shotgun goes off. Bo uses the rope around his wrists to start choking Jason from behind. Jason smashes a milk bottle on Bo's big head. More struggling. Jason grabs the gun and clocks Bo with it. They both fall. Jason -- just a little more beat-up now -- cocks the gun and aims it at the Kents again. He notices a rumbling. Everyone looks up.

A meteor is heading right for the Kent home. It smashes right through the ceiling.

Country road. A meteor hits near a gas truck, which catches fire. It takes forever for the driver to jump out and for the truck to explode, but fuck it, it was an expensive shot.

High school. A meteor smashes right through the Smallville High sign out front. Hello, summer! Cars in the parking lot are smashed up.

Evacuation area. Army dude says, "My God." Meteors are smashing everything up. People run. Somehow a meteor causes Army guy to get thrown up into the air. People panic.

One guy is looking for his son, Henry. Cute little Henry is running along by himself. His dad is freaking out. Henry picks up a discarded toy truck as meteors crash all around him. One is headed right for him. Clark superzips into the scene and pulls the kid away. Clark covers him as the meteor smashes around them. Clark picks up the boy. "You're not my daddy!" the kid says. The father comes over and gets the boy. "Go!" Clark yells. "Thank you! Thank you!" the man says. So is this Clark's official outing?

The most nimble helicopter in history. Even Da Vinci is like, "Fuck, that ROCKS!" The helicopter is dodging all kinds of crazy meteor trajectories. Inside, Lana is freaking out. Meteors are falling everywhere. One of them clips the tail off the helicopter. It begins to spin and dive. Except for the helicopter being all agile, this is a very well-done set of scenes. The helicopter crashes into the ground. Debris!

We return to more wanton destruction. But forget about that, because Clark's in the Caves of Contrivance. His ass sure is walking slow for someone with so little time to kill. He sets the stones with the others. Flashing light, natch. The three artifacts coalesce into one bright jewel.

Destruction. Corn is flying everywhere!

Lex is leading Chloe roughly into the caves. She asks why they're there. Lex says it's the epicenter. "Of what?" she asks. Of the area! "Come on, Chloe!" he yells, "you're the town purveyor of everything unexplained. You know damn well about this cave and the stones!" Chloe again tries to reason with Lex: she asks what's wrong with him. Lex asks whom she's trying to protect: "Is it Clark?" Chloe repeats the name as if that's the stupidest thing she's ever heard. Chloe asks what Clark has to do with this. Lex says Chloe's known Clark a lot longer and might know him better than anyone. Chloe snarks that she does know Clark, and that he's the last person who'd go "Superthief" on Lex's study for some stupid rock. So now Clark has made a liar out of Chloe, too?

Clark's pretty new stone, which is exactly like the blue gems in Bejeweled, floats in the air. It also hums.

Lex and Chloe notice a bright light coming from around that mystery room. "What is that?" Lex asks, suddenly transfixed. Rocks starts to fall. "Lex, be careful, it might be dangerous!" Chloe says, and rams him right into a cave wall, knocking him down. She goes to investigate while Lex crawls. Chloe rounds the corner. She sees Clark glowing.

Clark grabs the jewel. Power Ranger!

In an ornate bedroom, Papa Luthor is lying on a bed with his hands meeting at his stomach. The camera whooshes over and zooms in on his eye. Kryptonian symbols scroll across his eyeball.

We flash back to Clark. He yells. The white light engulfs him as Chloe and Lex both watch. Clark disappears. The light erupts brightly.

Clark is suddenly on a wide, snowy expanse. Coldness! He looks around in his little Members Only jacket. The camera cranes out to show the wide tundra.

Country road. Lois is driving Chloe's car. She pulls off the road and gets out. She runs up to the top of a grassy hill. Sad music plays. Lois, on hands and knees, looks down at the town. She begins to cry. We see smoke trails and destruction. Lois looks heartbroken and serious for once.

Helicopter. Lana wakes up. Her face is bloody and blackened. Her lips are completely unaffected. The pilot to her is dead. Lana gets out of the cockpit and the camera changes angles to show she was upside down. Lana crawls across the grass, gasping. Her leg is broken. She struggles through smoke and debris. There's even some fire. Lana sees a dirt mound and must go toward it. She drags and drags herself. She climbs to the top of the mound and looks over the edge. There's a gigantic black shape there -- probably a ship -- in the shape of the artifacts. Something opens, spilling light out onto Lana's face.

The snowy expanse. Thunderous Superman music plays. Clark looks around. He opens his hand and the jewel floats in the air. It seems to point in one direction. Clark grabs it and throws it, which doesn't seem very wise. It sails in the air. It's coming right for us! It sails past and we see Clark as a tiny dot in the snow.

"TO BE CONTINUED."

Well, fuck. Thanks everybody for making my moderating job on the forums as easy as day-old pie and to Wing Chun, Glark, and Sars for letting me do this. I know it's been a rough season, but we only snark on the show so much because we know there's so much potential there. So let's hope Season 5 brings it all home. Have a great summer, everybody.

"TO BE CONTINUED."