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By Omar G

In keeping with the theme of this week's episode, I have invited a bucket full of ice to watch Smallville with me and participate in the recapping. The bucket of ice is named Buck.

Omar: Welcome, Buck. So...what's up?
Buck: The temperature. Crank up the fucking A/C. I'm dying over here.
Omar: Right. Sorry.

The episode opens at the bottom of a lake. Shimmery sounds play as we pass by what looks like the room of a high-school kid who's really into Pink Floyd. Rocks with green fluorescent bits make the ocean floor look like the ultimate stoner's black-lit room. We pan up to the surface, as bubbles do what they do best: bubble. On the surface, we hit the iced-over top with a crunching sound, and then we're above water level, watching a bunch of high-school students whooping and celebrating to their trucks. Rock music is playing, as is mandated by the Smallville town charter.

Party time. Everybody's standing around, drinking beverages from matching red ice chests, making out, standing around fires. I've only ever been to one party like that my whole life. It was when I was in a new high school where I barely knew anyone and people literally stood around a bunch of trucks and drank. That was the whole party. Then I came home tipsy and my mom could totally smell it on me, even though I'd chewed a stick of Big Red gum. What made it suck worse was that I didn't have superpowers like Clark Kent. Speaking of whom, he arrives on the scene escorting the sarcastic yet flippant Chloe. Using her sparkling wit and powers of observation, she notes that people will gather for a party anywhere that there's illegally obtained alcohol and the slightest chance of hooking up. This is biting social commentary? Clark -- who I hope is done taking Chloe's shit -- reminds her that she's the one who wanted to go the party. Rather than accept responsibility, Chloe complains that she didn't know it was going to be 20,000 degrees below zero. Let us take a moment to remember Phil Hartman and his legendary bellowing of, "Twenty thousand leagues under the sea!" We miss you, Phil. Clark says he's not that cold. "What are you, from an ice planet?" Chloe asks, and says she's going to warm herself by the fire. That leaves Clark alone with the crappy music playing and the cold not affecting him. Clark looks around and -- also as mandated by town charter -- spots Lana Lang and Jocko Whitney under a blanket being all schmoopy. Clark looks sad. Oh, poor healthy, attractive teenager with the superpowers.

Just then, a blond guy in a letterman jacket walks up to Clark. "Hey, Kent," he says, trying to be smooth. He asks if Chloe is flying solo. Well, no, because she hasn't grown wings from all the kryptonite in Smallville. But we anticipate that'll happen by Episode Eight. "Believe me, Shawn, you're not her type," Clark says, a little defensively. Shot of Chloe in her more-fashionable- than-the-ratty-trenchcoat furry jacket warming herself by a fire. Shawn says Clark would be surprised. Then, as Clark looks on angrily, StudShawn goes over to Chloe, who is blowing warm air into her hands and rubbing them together. Lacking either wit or style, or even aplomb or suavitude, possessing neither common sense nor taste, eschewing manners and modern laws of dating alike, and probably doing a whole volume of other things I won't list here, StudShawn tells Chloe, "If you want, I could rub them for you." You see, because it's The Sexy, right? No. Not really. Chloe looks up. "Well, nothing heats up a body like friction," StudShawn adds, and suddenly I'm very tired because I don't have enough words to describe how lame it all is. Chloe looks away as though she just witnessed a particularly gruesome cow stunning. Then she cracks, her mask shattering like fine china, only not so fine and not from China. "Wow," she laughs. "I can't believe you just delivered that line with a straight face." For one brief moment, I think maybe the actress broke character and we're seeing "Behind the scenes of Smallville," but my faint hope is dashed when the cameras keep rolling. StudShawn calls Chloe by her name (she's as surprised as me), and says that he reads her editorials in The Torch. He sits down to her. Chloe reminds StudShawn that he dumped the girl she sits to in class last week, and now he's trolling for fresh meat. "It was mutual," he lames. Then he says he's not going to make a move on Chloe no matter how pretty she is. Rat bastard liar. Chloe does the low self-esteem head bow of shame, and then smiles shyly. Just then, two Jock Ensigns holding a football call StudShawn over to go throw some passes by the water. He looks conflicted: stay and score with the school newspaper editor, or go play with the boys? Because this is Slashville, he elects to go. But first he asks Chloe her phone number. She gets all giggly, like she's left all her snark at home, and writes it on his hand. Chloe has no notepad with her? She even plays like he's not going to call her and she's not going to hold her breath. Please, Chloe, you're already turning blue. StudShawn gets up and leaves while Chloe puts her pink pen to her mouth. No subtext there.

Joyous boys in their misspent youth. The Jock Ensigns are heading past some bushes toward Crater Lake. An ominous sign reads, "No swimming. No fishing. No skating." And definitely no flying, Clark. You hear me?

Back at Chloe's afterglow, Clark sits down to her and asks if she just gave StudShawn her number. Chloe says that guys find her attractive even though she doesn't have raven hair and the initials "L.L." Ooh, burn. Clark says StudShawn is a "dog." Chloe tells him to relax, and that she only gave him her number to get rid of him. And to shed all vestiges of credibility and dignity from herself. It's winter: she was starting to molt. She says they need to find their taxi, Pete. I could go on a whole tangent here about how typical it is to have the token minority character be the chauffeur, but this intro has already exhausted me.

Jocks at play. Jocko Whitney and StudShawn are tossing around the pigskin, although the subtext is that they'd rather be slapping around some lambskin. Jocko asks StudShawn why he was talking to Chloe. "Another notch, dawg," he says, and I want to be nauseous, but I can't because my friends and I in high school used to call scoring "stabbing the cat." So, obviously, I have no room to call this guy anything. "That's cold," Jocko says. Ha! Because he's going to be all Iceman later! Heh! Hee hee! You get it, Buck?

Buck: Does all your recapping take this long?
Omar: ...

StudShawn is backed up against the icy lake as he and the jocks throw the football. Jocko Whitney notices that the pizzas have arrived and throws the ball too far, landing it right on the ice. StudShawn says he'll get the ball, and tells Jocko to go on ahead. Suddenly everyone and everything in the world disappears except StudShawn and the football on the ice. He starts after it and slides. We hear no party music. See no party truck headlights. We can't even smell the damn pizza. He's all alone. And I think he's gonna die. StudShawn walks out onto the dangerous ice for the $9.95 football. He makes it over, mouth open, but half smiling. He retrieves the ball, and now it's smooth sailing back, right? No! We need a villain of the week, dammit! On the way back, StudShawn hears the ground creak loudly in protest of his weight. Instead of booking it, and running across the lake, Jesus-style, StudShawn just stands there. He moves slowly and laboriously, letting his full weight press down on the ice. Then, it breaks. He is dunked in the icy water. Immediately -- like, less than a second later -- the water above him has already iced over and his burly football arms can't break through it as he ineffectually slaps at the surface.

Party zone. Much drinking. Much ignoring of missing football player.

Back under the surface. Dramatic music plays. StudShawn struggles, but pretty soon he stops and sinks. We see an odd green glow (a familiar glow, you might say) as his body, then at last his outstretched hand, sinks.

Above the ice. The cheap football sits there, iced over, stuck to the lake. We pan back from it, looking down from up high. Pause. STUDSHAWN HAND! It breaks through the ice with almost none of the same impact that Carrie had so many years ago, but who cares? It's The WB.

I don't know why, but it's hours later. Somebody's walking toward the remains of the party, where absolutely nobody noticed that StudShawn was missing. A small fire has been left still burning, also a no-no in outdoor keg party situations. StudShawn -- who is very, very blue -- goes to the fire and warms his hands. They fade from blue to pasty white. He bends down, shivering, hands still over the fire. StudShawn closes his eyes and inhales, and we see a weird wave from the fire to his mouth. We hear the crackling of newfound superpowers. StudShawn's complexion turns back to normal. He smiles and gets up, looking around in wonder. He looks down at the fire, perplexed, then walks off, because in this town perplexity only lasts to the commercial break. As he walks off, we pan down and see that the already meager campfire is now just a bunch of ice crystals. He is no longer StudShawn. This cold, Popsicle beast is now ShawnPop.

Theme song. Remy Zero. Coming soon to a hastily compiled show soundtrack near you.

The Yellow Kent House. Why isn't it blue or red? An American flag is hanging near the door. Inside, in the conference kitchen, MamaKent and Bo Duke are calculating their expenses and their mortgage rate, which is 8.25%. You guys totally need to refinance. Rosycheeks Clark interrupts them by spitting out a figure in the $50,000 range. Wait, I know he's got superpowers, but he's also a math savant? It's not fair! Rosycheeks is told by Bo Duke that they didn't mean for him to hear about their financial troubles. He throws Rosycheeks a plain Pop-Tart. MamaKent, still fiddling with her calculator, says that they may need to take out another loan. Rosycheeks says that the interest alone would bury them. He's an economics scholar, too? I give up. He's too super for this world. Rosycheeks says that he wants to help. Bo Duke tells him he already saved them having to hire four farmhands. Rosycheeks Clark jokes that he could join a pro sports team and make tons of money in endorsements. The parentals look at him as if he's gone bonkers. What's wrong with that idea? He smiles and says he's just trying to lighten the mood. MamaKent says she just wants her son to get to school on time. He grabs his coat and whooshes out in a blur. Then he rushes back in, blur-style, to get his Pop-Tart just as it leaps from the toaster. He spits out another dollar figure before MamaKent tells him to "go!" I swear. They'll let him blur-speed around the house, but he can't do people's taxes for a little extra money?

Windmill outside. Rosycheeks, Sneaky Pete, and Crummy Chloe are walking along. Rosycheeks asks Chloe whether ShawnPop called her. She says no, but that she's not holding her breath. Pete makes excuses for men everywhere by explaining that sometimes guys get caught up for good reasons, like their grandmothers' deaths. We learn that Pete has a sister. Chloe says it doesn't matter, and Clark reiterates that ShawnPop is a "total dog." What is it with Rosycheeks and dogs? Sneaky Pete says that ShawnPop has always been nice to him, and that Clark shouldn't knock people who don't have Lana crushes for trying to make love connections. Pete is the only person in town who doesn't have a crush on Lana, so that's very easy for him to say. Pete says that Rosycheeks should try asking someone else out...like Chloe. Chloe "whoa, whoa, whoa"s, and tells them both that she's not some sort of crash-test dummy on whom they can try out their dating skills. As someone mentioned in the forums, that's funny because Crash Test Dummies, the band, once recorded "Superman's Song." Chloe tells Clark that if he likes Lana, he should ask her out. She tells Pete to stop acting like a Vegas bookie picking his dates. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but she's on a roll. She concludes, "And both of you. Treat me better." The bus pulls up right at that moment. I still don't like her, even though that was a little bit charming.

For the first time, we get a different angle on the school as an establishing shot. I hadn't realized how damn yellow it is. Dark nurse's office. ShawnPop is sitting to a lamp with a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. The nurse comes over and says it's flu season, and she doesn't know why he even came in. Maybe because he looks like Brawny Smurf with all that blue skin? ShawnPop tells the nurse that he hasn't been able to get warm. She takes the thermometer. It reads about 38°. "That can't be right. You're not a Popsicle," she says. No, he's a Shawnsicle. The nurse puts the thermometer back in (to his mouth) and as she feels his forehead, he grabs her hand. She shivers. "Now you're giving me the chills," she says. The white returns to ShawnPop's face. He gets up abruptly and says he's feeling fine now. He hands the nurse the blanket he was using, and leaves. She pulls out the thermometer from her breast pocket and looks at it again.

Kent Farm (minus the annoying "Kent Farm" signage). A chainsaw is cutting through a huge log. Don't they do anything on this farm besides cutting things with sharp objects and farm implements? The cut chunk of the log drops, and the cutter is revealed to be MamaKent, wearing goggles and the most un-wood-cutting peach sweater I've ever seen. She turns around, swinging the chainsaw as if she's in a Tobe Hooper movie and almost slices Lex in half when he suddenly appears, just inches from the saw. "Whoa!" Lex says. "I come in peace." He's holding his arms up, and I want him so badly to have a midget standing behind him so they can start doing the Safety Dance. MamaKent asks what brings Lex out to the farm, and he says -- as he picks up two logs (phallic Lex objects of the week) -- that he's after MamaKent's stunning artichokes. He'd like thirty of them for a dinner party he's throwing for the Smallville farming community. All three of them. Lex says he knows some farms are having financial troubles. MamaKent says that most folks aren't looking for loans. Lex says that's not what he's offering: he wants to be an investor. He goes on about helping farms modernize and stay competitive in the bustling Kansas corn marketplace. Dare to dream, Lex. Dare to dream. MamaKent says that maybe the town lost its connections. "If this town ever had connections, they wouldn't have named it Smallville," Lex says, and this seems like completely unnecessary dialogue. Lex brings it back home by mentioning Bo Kent and his non-love for the bald burgeoning farm investor. "Jonathan doesn't hate you," Mama Kent begins, and I see the shame and heartbreak in Lex's eyes as he waits for the "but" part. "It's just your family's track record" blah blah blah, MamaKent says. Lex says he intends to change that. Then he leaves. Without artichokes. But not before MamaKent looks on after him, wishing she had more to do on this show.

A restaurant/coffeehouse/movie palace-looking place called The Talon, at midday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the coffee hangout was called "The Beanery" (remember all those fart jokes?). Did they change it up on us? "The Talon"? Honestly. Gross. Lana Lang is sitting her pretty self on a chair, looking at a brochure, when Lex -- who is everywhere at that moment -- compliments the exhibit (art, we presume) contained within. He says he saw it in St. Petersburg. With Floyd. Okay, fine, I made up the Floyd part. Lana says she and Jocko Whitney are going to Metropolis to see the exhibit. "Trying to give the quarterback some culture?" Lex says, quite charming/snidely. As Lana sits, Lex stands during this exchange, totally utilizing the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Lana says that the exhibit was Jocko's idea, and Lex has a witty retort. He says Jocko figures one afternoon at the museum will make up for six months of not going to the museum. Instead of getting up and kicking the shit out of Baldy McBigmouth, Lana just says that for someone who doesn't like to be judged by others, Lex sure is good at it. Lex says, "What can I say? I just think you're with the wrong guy." All right. Seriously? Best. Friend. Ever. Clark doesn't even know how good he has it. Just then, Jocko walks up from behind as Lex makes himself scarce (or as scarce as you can make yourself when your bald pate makes you stand out amid all that WB hair).

Jocko gives Lana a chaste kiss on the cheek, and when she reminds him about the exhibit, he totally blanks out and then remembers he's supposed to watch a fight with his friends on Pay Per View the day. "And you already gave them your money," Lana says. He did. A fight costs like $40 tops on PPV. How much could he possibly have given them if all of his buddies will be there? He's probably spent more on the pizza than he has on the fight. As excuses go, this one ranks somewhere below "My dog did my homework, but I ate it." Lana looks disappointed. Jocko says they'll go the weekend. "Culture can wait," Lana says in her strange, whispery, amazingly positive tone of voice. I would pay Pay Per View money right now to see Lana show a hint of anger. After Jocko leaves, Lana looks over to Lex and he gives her a wan "I told your ass so" smile. Then he leaves.

Outside The Talon, or whatever it's called, Clark is walking by; through the blinds, he notices Lana inside, sitting by herself reading a book. He doesn't even use his superpowers for this. He just makes a habit of looking into restaurant windows when he's doing his routine Lana-stalking rounds. Lex comes up out of nowhere, because this whole episode is about him sneaking up on people, and tells Clark that Lana is free the night, and that Rosycheeks should ask her out. When Rosycheeks sees Lex, he smiles a little, and I swear his eyes glance down, presumably at Lex's Little Bald Head. I swear I'm not looking for this stuff on purpose. "She's got a boyfriend," Rosycheeks says. "A high-school boyfriend isn't a husband. He's an obstacle," Lex says. That should be taped on the inside of every high-school bad boy's locker. Lex tells Rosycheeks that he should ask Lana to go with him to the Radiohead concert in Metropolis the night. And, because he's a game-show host now, Lex tells him that if she says yes, he'll throw in the concert tickets. Now, I don't know if you know what it's like getting Radiohead tickets, but let's just say that Lex is definitely pushing my buttons right now. Rosycheeks asks why Lex is doing all this. Besides luuuuuv. "You're like the younger brother I never had," Lex says. Oh man, Lex is from the Roman Incestual time period! Lex says that the hardest thing in the world is telling the girl you love that you like her. How much harder is it to tell a boy? Lex says he'll throw in a round-trip limo ride if Rosycheeks asks Lana within sixty seconds. Clark! Go for the box! Door #2! Don't overbid on the dinette set! No whammys, no whammys! Clark snags the tickets and goes. Lex spins and looks after Clark with a hungry "That's my stallion!" look that incidentally is the Gayest Look of the Episode. He holds up his watch for effect, and to time his handiwork.

Inside the indeterminately named coffee shop, Clark asks Lana if she's busy. She says she's completely swamped, what with being in a coffee shop reading a Russian classic. (It's Doctor Zhivago, incidentally.) Clark says there's a "thing" the night. No, Clark. A "thing" is a monster truck rally. A Radiohead concert is a "Holy Thing" or a "Miraculous Thing" or a "Thing That Was Sent FedEx By God and At Least Like Five Or Six Angels." It's not just a "thing." Lana's eyes light up, as well they should, when she sees the tickets and asks how he got them. "A friend," he says. Rosycheeks asks her to go. "I'd..." she begins, and he cuts her off, "Just as friends!" Wuss! Superwuss! Lana smiles, knowing that she's off the hook in the nookie department, and says "Definitely. I'd love to."

Rosycheeks, Chloe, and Sneaky Pete are walking past the school. Chloe is incredulous and impressed with Clark's news of the pseudo-date. She calls the "just as friends" thing a "rider," and guesses that he got the tickets from a "follically-challenged individual." Rosycheeks thanks Chloe for giving him the initiative. Maybe Clark should be getting on his knees, thanking Lex instead. Well, maybe not the "getting on his knees" part.

As they're talking, ShawnPop spots Chloe and, rubbing his hands for warmth, comes up to her to ask, "Don't I owe you a phone call?" She says he does. ShawnPop asks what she's doing right now. She says she has to put the paper to bed. With milk and cookies? As soon as she says that, ShawnPop turns and spots someone else to go stalk. He sees "Jenna," and chases after her before Chloe can pull out her mop and soak up all of her dignity, which even now is staining the green grass of Smallville High. "Okay, I was playing barely hard to get," Chloe complains to Clark and Pete. "What's the problem?" You're asking these guys? Chloe says that Clark gets a date, and suddenly there's no luck left for the rest of them. Sad music plays as Sneaky Pete puts a gentle, non-threatening black arm around Chloe. Would it kill the network to have Pete have one date with one girl that's not completely platonic? My goodness. As Clark walks away, he spots ShawnPop talking to a blonde girl, and nervously rubbing his hands and bouncing, as if he has to piss himself.

Shower radio. Yes, even in a shower in Smallville, we are not safe from crap alt-rock. The blonde girl from before is washing her hair and singing along, for a mercifully brief moment. She's bathing by candlelight. Camera pans down a hallway toward the bathroom as steam billows out. Jenna (if she's going to get messed up, can I pretend she's one of the Bush girls?) hears creaking and stops. "Shawn, is that you?" she calls out. The camera moves into the bathroom, where roughly six thousand candles are burning. I don't think the Vatican has this many candles. "I've been waiting for you," Jenna says through the almost transparent shower curtain. "I thought you might like to take a shower," she says, and turns off the shower radio. She's smiling. Naughtily. A shape appears on the other side of the curtain (we're inside now with Jenna) and exhales on the curtain. Frost appears where the shape is breathing. "What are you waiting for?" she asks, biting her lower lip in Lolita-by-way-of-bad-acting coquettishness. "The water's nice and warm." Foreboding music plays. "Shawn?" she asks. ShawnPop opens the curtain; he looks like he's in the Blue Man Group. Jenna screams and backs further into the shower. "Shawn! What happened to you?" she asks, knocking over anonymous shampoo bottles. (No sponsor this week?) ShawnPop leans in and grabs the spraying shower head. The water starts turning to ice pellets, spraying all over Jenna's legs. A bottle of Head & Shoulders is on the floor of the shower. Jenna grabs the shower curtain and falls out, wrapped in the plastic just like in Twin Peaks. "I'm sorry," ShawnPop says. He doesn't know what's wrong. Jenna says she's getting scared and asks what he wants. "I just want. To get. Warm," he says, and leans in; she is backing away. He grabs her by the shoulders as she pants and panics. He leans in to kiss her. The blue spreads to her until ShawnPop is WarmShawn. He backs his head away and we see Jenna frozen in blue terror. ShawnPop moans, then smiles. He lets go of Jenna's shoulder and she falls back, still frozen. We stay on ShawnPop as she falls, and we hear a sickening shattering. Okay, I'm officially creeped out for the first time since this show started. As WarmShawn walks past all the candles on his way out, they freeze in his wake.

Omar: DAMN! Wow!
Buck: What? That? Please. Amateur night.
Omar: You weren't impressed with that?
Buck: Freezing a naked girl in a room with that much humidity? I crap ice pellets bigger than that. Try freezing an Eskimo in a fur parka with little or no wind shear. That's what I'm talking about. Just try it!
Omar: Okay, fine. I will.
Buck: Pussy.

Casa de Kent. Bo Duke is fixing some carburetor-looking thing on the kitchen table. MamaKent dutifully complains about it. They argue about going to Lex's seminar. It's not very interesting. Bo Duke doesn't trust the Luthor family. MamaKent wants Bo to give Lex a chance. Anything new here? Not really. Except that their farm is on the line and MamaKent is getting desperate. She also already told Lex that they would go to the dinner. Rosycheeks walks in. "Hello, citizens," he says brightly. MamaKent totally tries to deliver a Gilmore Girls line here: "I'm not familiar with this child. Where's the moody one? Lives upstairs? Runs real fast?" MamaKent? I watch Lorelai Gilmore. I am friends with the girl who recaps Lorelai Gilmore. You, MamaKent, are no Lorelai Gilmore. Rosycheeks reveals to the parentals his "not-a-date date" with Lana Lang. They react with surprise. MamaKent puckers. Bo Kent is supremely smugly satisfied when he finds out that Lex is behind his son's not-a-date date. "Well, I guess Lex planned all of our evenings for us," he says. Ass. MamaKent loudly exhales over that. As Rosycheeks runs upstairs to go do his pre-date preparation (think There's Something About Mary, but super), MamaKent asks whether Lana isn't still dating Jocko Whitney. "She's not married, Ma," Rosycheeks says with a glint of Lex-evil in his eye. MamaKent thinks she's just entered a parallel dimension. One in which she is Bizarro Lorelai.

The Ice House. ShawnPop is on the phone, sitting to a dead fireplace, calling up every girl he knows, trying to set up a Shawn-Warming party. He's blue again. He calls a girl named "Bella," who shoots him down based on his past dawg-ish behavior. He tries lighting matches to start a fire, but they freeze on him whenever he tries. Why hasn't the cordless phone frozen up yet? Doesn't it get warm when you use it for a while? Just then, days later, he notices Chloe's phone number on his hand. "Chloe!" he says. Eureka, you cold bastard.

Speaking of Chloe, she's at Rosycheeks's house, looking up his horoscope on her laptop. Smallville may be small, but it seems to have remarkably stable ISP service. His horoscope tells him to contain his excitement, which Chloe says will be hard given that he's been waiting for this date since his first growth spurt. "This isn't a date," he reminds Chloe. She came over, apparently, for fashion advice. She sees a shirt he wants to try on and says, "Burn that." Okay, I'll give her that one. That was funny. She asks what else he's got. He says he'll check the laundry basket. Nothing super about that. He goes away, and Chloe's phone rings.

Minutes later, Chloe and Rosycheeks are talking about it. She tries to explain that ShawnPop was sick when he blew her off earlier. Clark is skeptical. Chloe makes more excuses and for the first time acknowledges that ShawnPop is hot. Or just the opposite. Chloe says she invited ShawnPop to bring her a coffee at The Torch. I'll bet he loved the sound of that. Warming up against a torch. Clark sounds like a sixty-year-old person as he tells Chloe, "I just don't want you to get hurt." Chloe's not worried. She pulls out a shirt from the basket. "Blue's a good color on you," she says. "Really?" Clark says. The cheese truck just crashed into my living room and dumped all of its goods all over me and my cat.

Stately Luthor Manor. Bo Duke and MamaKent arrive and are led in by a houseboy in a Mao shirt. Lex greets them. It turns out they're the only ones who came. Or rather, they're the only ones Lex invited. Bo Duke gets ready to leave. Lex says he knows about their financial problems, and wants to help. "Well, then, I guess we're here to listen," Bo Duke finally says. Lex takes a sip of his alcoholic beverage and smiles mysteriously.

View of the stars. We pan down to Lana's blue house. A limo parked out front rolls away. Lana and Clark talk and flirt. Or, at least, they were about to until Clark accuses of Lana of running away from her problems ("defensive reading," he calls it) when things get tough. Way to open a date, dickweed. Lana, uncomfortable, says he's right. Rosycheeks says he does the same thing with astronomy. He imagines what it would be like to live on a different world. Lana says he seems to understand her. He does a weird segue into talking about magic (geek alert!) and before she can throw herself from the limo, he's got a deck of cards for some card tricks! A more lame use of a limo I have never heard of. Lana picks a card and holds it to her chest. Rosycheeks does the X-Ray Vision thing and sees that it's a 3 of hearts. Let me guess: Clark, Lana, and Lex are the three hearts? Just a thought. Clark totally didn't take a peek at her breastals while he was using his super-vision, either. Lana is amazed at his guess. She gives the card back, and their thumbs touch. What's , thumb wrestling? He should have totally consulted with Lex about what to do on the date. Lana gets bold and says that the whole not-date situation is weird. Clark agrees, saying that he had to explain to people that he's a eunuch and didn't want sex at all from this outing. He asks about Jocko. "I didn't tell him," Lana says. Clark asks whether she feels guilty. "He's hanging out with his friends, and I'm hanging out with mine," Lana says, which is exactly what people say right before they're about to cheat, not that I would know. For no good reason, Lana turns on the limo TV set. A news report on station KRAC says police are looking for ShawnPop after finding Jenna's body. "Oh my God!" Lana says. "Stop the car!" Rosycheeks tells the limo driver.

At the Torch. Chloe is typing on her iMac. She's connecting to the 'net. She hears a banging noise and gets up to investigate. In the school hallway, she finds a trail of yellow flower petals. Amused, she follows them. But instead of airy music, we have the music of foreboding. Chloe is smiling, big-time.

Outside the coffee shop, the limo has stopped. Lana asks what's wrong. Rosycheeks says it's complicated, but asks her to stay at the coffee shop, where she'll be safe. From what, he won't say. He asks her to wait for him. She says, "Sure." Why couldn't he have given her a ticket to the concert and just met her there? It's not like he couldn't run his ass to Metropolis in time. He tells her, lamely, that this is the best non-date he's ever had. He leaves, as she looks perplexed and a little annoyed.

Smallville high school of terror. Chloe is still following the flower petals down the hall. At a door labeled "Pool," there's a sign that reads, "Come In Please." How did ShawnPop write that without the ink freezing up in his pen? Chloe enters the pool room -- which blue-glows against the walls -- and calls out for him. Chloe says she agreed to a cappuccino, and she's not skinny-dipping. Does she just get free rein at the school after hours? ShawnPop comes in as the suspenseful music starts up. He locks the pool door. "I'm sorry," he tells Chloe. "I don't have a choice." It sounds remarkably whiny, considering he's the bad guy. Chloe asks what happened. Where's her digital camera now? ShawnPop says he can't stay warm. She asks why he doesn't just sit by a fire. "I only get a quick fix," he tells her. He tells her body heat lasts longer, before lunging forward at her.

Buck: Get her! GET HER!

Chloe edges back and falls right into the pool, Dynasty-style. She starts to swim to the opposite side of the pool. Shawn bends down, hovers his hands over the water, and starts sucking the warmth out in little CGI vapors. As Chloe tries to get out of the pool, we hear crunching that sounds like it did when Shapeshifta' Girl would morph in last week's episode. Chloe is about to leave the pool when it all starts turning to ice. Her foot is caught in the ice just as she's getting up. Instead of a witty, sarcastic remark here, Chloe just pants and says, "No!" ShawnPop tells Chloe he won't hurt her. Just then, Clark arrives at the pool door. It's locked, but that's no match for him. He pulls the door (without even breaking the knob), and runs in just as ShawnPop was closing in. Rosycheeks punches through the ice to free Chloe. When ShawnPop tries to suck Clark's warmth (his body warmth), he gets punched and flies across the room. Clark pulls Chloe out, helps her up, and tells her to run. Again, no sarcastic remark from Chloe. Rosycheeks turns back to the icy pool room, but nobody's there now. The pool's still frozen over.

The Torch office. Chloe thanks Rosycheeks for the handy rescue as he brings her some plain coffee. The future Superman doesn't mess around with froofy drinks. Some banter to the effect of Chloe's way better than that homicidal guy. And all of a sudden, it's Scooby Gang time. Chloe has already looked up a condition online that's similar to ShawnPop's. Shouldn't they get out of the building or something? The sleuth work shows a condition where the body is in a perpetual state of hypothermia. Sounds like bunk to me. "He's like a battery that can't hold his charge," Chloe says. Rosycheeks offers to take Chloe home. She tells him that almost getting killed was in no way a passive-aggressive way of ruining his date. Suspense music. "Lana!" Clark whisper-screams.

Coffee Shop. Sneaky Pete is walking a very pretty girl to a chair and he even nudges it forward for her because, damn, what a gentleman. Lana is sitting with her coffee, looking mopey. Pete tells the girl, "I'll be right back," and goes over to Lana to ask if she shouldn't be fifth-row center right now. Fifth-row center? I'm sorry, Chloe, but if I were Clark, you'd be a Popsicle right now. Pete asks where Clark is. Lana fills him in. Pete says he always thought ShawnPop was a good guy. Lana asks about Clark, and she and Pete agree that sometimes you know him, and other times he seems... "Mysterious," Lana concludes. Don't ladies like that? I mean, minus the mopeyness, the goofiness, and the tendency to buckle before green jewelry. Pete jokes, "Clark Kent, International Man of Mystery." Uh huh. Save it for open-mike night. Lana says that, whatever his reason for leaving was, it seemed important. "I can't believe there's anything more important to him than you," Pete says. Oops. Okay, that's a bad friend. Lex is a good friend. Pete, you just suck. Lana looks stunned, but just then Jocko Whitney walks over asking why she's so dressed up. Pete says he'll catch up with her later, and sidles off. Lana tells Pete he can take the limo for his date. "She's not my date. She's just a friend," Pete says. What is it with these people? Seems like the only teenagers having sex on this show are the ones who are about to die. Pete takes the limo. Jocko asks why Lana was using it in the first place. Lana asks Jocko to take her home.

ShawnPop is on a tear. He freezes a lock to get inside a gate. A sign warns of high voltage.

"This can't be happening." It's Rosycheeks at the coffeeshop, surveying the scene and realizing that Lana's left him high and dry. You know, like the Radiohead song? That he might have heard if he'd made it to the concert? It's your own fault, Clark, and I will never forgive you. The lights in the coffee shop start to flicker. Even though it has nothing to do with ice, Clark says, "Shawn," and leaves. He's got superintuition, too?

Power station. ShawnPop is grabbing on to two metal wires and letting purple electricity course through himself. This kid's got spark!

Stately Luthor Manor. The lights go out. I thought this was a dinner party. Instead, Lex, MamaKent, and Bo Duke are just standing around talking. Lex says that the generator works when the lights come back on. "Power must have blown," he says, and if that isn't a case of the pot calling the kettle...oh, never mind. Lex continues his business spiel, which I can't imagine has lasted this long with everything else that's happened. Lex gets to the point. "Your farm is drowning in debt. We both know it," he tells Bo Duke. "I keep trying to offer you a hand, but you keep slapping it away," Lex adds. He fails to mention where he's trying to put that hand. Bo Duke stubbornly says that he was taught by a very wise man to solve his own problems. "Your father lived in different times," Lex tells him. He's wearing a blue-purple shirt, by the way. Lex pulls out documents revealing that Bo Duke's dad did use handouts: government subsidies through lean times. Bo Duke didn't know that, it seems. When he gets a dirty look from Bo Duke, Lex says it's all a matter of public record. "Why are you so interested in our family, Lex?" Bo Duke finally says, wearily. Lex goes on about how Rosycheeks saved his life and pulled him out from the wreckage and all that. Lex asks, finally, if Bo Duke is willing to put his pride aside to save his family.

Rock music. Truck drivin'. Jocko sighs about twelve times until he finally asks Lana what's going on with the limo. "You went out with your friends and I went out with Clark," Lana says. Jocko asks if this is some kind of test, and why she didn't just tell him. He doesn't even seem that upset that it was Rosycheeks. He's just upset that she didn't tell him. Oh, wait, he is mad. He calls it a date and starts to get mad. "Whitney, look out!" Lana yells suddenly. We see ShawnPop standing in the road waving his arms. Jocko swerves, calling, "Shawn!" and runs off the road. How many accidents has Jocko had? Who keeps giving him new trucks? It looks like ShawnPop got hit, but he gets up just fine and heads toward the truck.

In the truck, Jocko asks if Lana is okay. Just a twisted ankle, she says. Right. Jocko says he wants to get Lana somewhere safe. He runs around the truck and helps carry her out of the truck. Conveniently, Jocko sees lights at the Luthor house right down the road. They head that way.

Lex's lair of lame loan talk. Bo Duke has finally relaxed enough to sit in a chair. They're still discussing financial options; Lex has started up a fire. MamaKent seems like she's being won over by this young stud's proposal. Lex brings over two glasses of liquor; when asked what's in it for him in this crazy financial deal, Lex says he thinks there's profit to be made from the Kent farm. Lex tells them to think about their options. I'm bored witless, despite Lex's undeniable charm. The weird butler guy opens the doors, and in walk Jocko and Lana. MamaKent looks at them, surprised. "Where's Clark?" she asks.

There's Clark! He's blur-running through the woods, stopping to check out the lay of the land, then running some more. He finds the wrecked truck. But no Lana. Instead, ShawnPop sneaks up behind him and grabs his arm, where a blast of yellow light appears. ShawnPop reacts with smiling pleasure as Rosycheeks grunts in pain. I guess that's how it goes sometimes. Rosycheeks falls to the ground. "Thanks for the warm-up," ShawnPop says, as he turns white again. ShawnPop sees the Lex house in the distance and walks toward it. We pan down and see Clark, blue and frozen. Dramatic music crescendos.

Buck: Heh. Nice, with the catchphrase. Very nice.
Omar: You enjoyed that, did you?
Buck: Oh, don't be such a ...a warmie.

Back at the Lex house, Lex brings over to Jocko and Lana something that looks like hot cocoa. He's such a perfect host. "Sorry about your date," Lex tells Lana. She and Jocko exchange a look, and Lana looks so guilty, she may as well start calling herself Hester. In the background, MamaKent is worried about Clark, but Bo Duke says he's fine. "He's Clark, Martha," Bo Duke says by way of explanation. The lights begin to flicker.

Outside, ShawnPop has his hand on an electric generator, and looks as if he's really pleasing himself with that juice. The generator freezes up and stops.

A block away, Rosycheeks is still lying there, frozen. His Popsicle fingers start to move. His eyes open, widely. He's breathing. Wow. I am so surprised at this amazing development.

At the Lex castle, Bo Duke grabs a flashlight (a small one again), and says he's going to check the front gate. MamaKent says she'll check the generator. Lex seems sad to have them go and assures them he can do it all himself. Jocko doesn't offer to do a damn thing but sit there and drink more cocoa, the better to put MamaKent in jeopardy. Lex blows out air, in sadness.

Outside, MamaKent goes toward the generator. Alone, of course. ShawnPop shows up, also of course. He's smiling lecherously. "Are you Shawn?" MamaKent asks. "Yes ma'am," he answers politely. She asks what he wants. "Who, me? I just want to get warm," he says. Rosycheeks enters the scene, telling ShawnPop to get away from his mother. MamaKent runs off on Rosycheek's command. "That's your mom?" ShawnPop asks. "She's hot!" he declares. Clark tells ShawnPop he has to go to a hospital. ShawnPop goes on a little Al Pacino-inspired rant about how that's not going to work and he needs human contact. Challenge from Clark. Boasting threats from ShawnPop. This is getting so tiresome. In mock fear, ShawnPop says, "Brrr!" That's almost funny. ShawnPop takes a swing at Rosycheeks, but Clark is right there with a pipe to the gut, sending ShawnPop flying across the landscape. Everything is dark and misty and I have an uncomfortable flashback to Wolf Lake. ShawnPop appears and grabs Clark. They tussle a bit. ShawnPop tries to suck Clark's...warmth and ends up straddling him. "I don't know what it is about you, Clark, but I haven't felt this good in two days!" he proclaims. My word. ShawnPop threatens to suck all of Clark's friends and family. "I'll never let you hurt them," Rosycheeks grunts, and girly-kicks ShawnPop off him. ShawnPop goes flying...and lands right in the lake. The lake immediately freezes. Lame! Lame! This is Lake Lame! We get an overhead view of ShawnPop, encased in ice. Clark looks angry, but not at all disturbed by the death of a classmate. Have I already said "lame"?

Buck: Yes. Even I, a bucket of ice, must admit that this was The Lame.
Omar: The Lame. Yes. We are in agreement, Buck.
Buck: I'm sorry I was so curt earlier. It's not easy being a bucket of ice, you know.
Omar: I know.
Buck: Sometimes we leak, or condense and make water rings everywhere. We get left in hotel rooms, forgotten after a night of partying. I'm just trying to say...I'm sorry, man. Are we cool?
Omar: Yeah, Buck. We cool.

Kent farm, as signified by the red mailbox. Bo Duke is working on a motorcycle in a workshop area that, I bet, we'll never get to see used on the show. Lex walks in. He says he heard Bo Duke got a bank loan. He was sure that the Kents were going to take him up on his generous offer. That's all he has to talk about? A bank loan? Not about the freak that almost killed all of them? "Do you despise me that much?" Lex asks. "Believe it or not, Lex, some things have nothing to do with you," Bo Duke says. Well, nothing fun. Bo Duke says he's betting on his family. Lex is mad that he's gambling with Clark's future. Because he's in luuuuv, still. "They'll kill you with interest, while waiting for you to fail," Lex complains. "At least with the bank, I know where I stand," Bo Duke says. Lex, a little angrily, says that he knows Bo Duke doesn't believe him, but he sincerely wants to help and his offer will stand in the future. He leaves, in a bit of a huff.

At school, sad crappy strummy music is playing as Chloe lights a candle at an altar to the frozen, shattered girl. There are tons of red, pink and white candles, and I'll bet every one of them came from that girl's bathroom. Rosycheeks and Pete walk up to Chloe. She's sad because that could have been her up there, immortalized in a shrine! Chloe is sad now. Clark says everybody's looking for their soulmate. "Soulmate"? Who said anything about "soulmates"? Pete gloats that their dates went to hell, and he ended up with the limo. Chloe says she's swearing off men, which I guess is bad news for Lana. Clark suggests that Chloe stay away from heat-sucking horndogs in the future. They see Lana at her locker. Pete and Chloe excuse themselves.

Awkward exchange. Rosycheeks, wearing a red sweater, asks about Lana's ankle. It's miraculously cured. She says he never came back the other night. He replies, "I did, but you were gone. I'm sorry." He says he wanted things to work out differently. He asks if they could try again sometime, maybe Saturday. Lana says Whitney has their museum day planned, and was freaked out by Lana and Clark's non-date. Rosycheeks asks what she told Jocko. "The truth. That we're just friends," she says. Wow. Burn. Lana excuses herself. Rosycheeks stops her to ask why she goes out with Jocko. "Because whenever I need him, he's there. He makes me feel safe," she says. She walks away, leaving Clark to stand like a dope in the middle of the hall, played out by a new Jewel song. You know you're lame when Jewel has to express your inner feelings in song. Fade to black, credits. I'd just like to point out that not only did Radiohead not appear in this episode, they didn't even use any of their songs. At least Gilmore Girls was able to book the Bangles. But then again, I guess all they had to do to get The Bangles was arrange for someone to pick up the band members' kids from soccer practice.

Omar: So, Buck, what did you think? Buck? BUCK!
Buck: I'm melting, man. I'm so sorry.
Omar: How did this happen!?
Buck: Warmth, dumb-ass.
Omar: Can I do something? Stick you back in the freezer?
Buck: No...I'll just...turn to a block of hard ice.
Omar: I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the recapping would take so long.
Buck: Omar...You have to...do something for me.
Omar: Just name it.
Buck: You have to...you've go to...

Omar: Yes?
Buck: Drink me, Omar. You have to drink me.
Omar: What?
Buck: It's the only way...to keep my spirit...alive...
Omar: Oh man, I don't know. This is kinda weird.
Buck: Listen to me. Whenever you recap a show with some freaked-out ice man, I'll be there. Whenever you're taking a really long piss, I'll be there. Whenever you sweat out a really long recap, I'll be there, in every pore, helping you along.
Omar: Now you're just creeping me out.
Buck: Drink me, dammit! I'm dying!
Omar: Okay, fine. [Glug, glug, glug] Mmmm...Refreshing.

week: a creepy fortune teller predicts that everyone Rosycheeks loves will die. Or at least one or two people. Or maybe just a dog or a bird or something.