Dead and Buried

S05E12

Well, this is it, y'all. The last episode. And I've decided to do something really special to mark the occasion. Remember how for the 24Season Three finale, I traveled to Los Angeles and attempted to write the recap in real time? Well, at some point after I submit this recap, I'm going to die. I don't know when or how, but I know it's going to happen. This is the kind of thing I'm willing to do for you lovely people.

Starting out with a correction, because it's actually relevant; I thought it was the OB sitting to Brenda as she tried to give birth at the end of the last episode, but it was in fact Ruth. The OB is down where she belongs, on her little stool, watching Willa crown. So who's going to be the Corpse of the Week? Brenda, dying in childbirth after insisting on ignorance throughout her pregnancy? Ruth, from attention starvation? Willa, from having a birth weight lower than that of a Big Mac? The OB, when Willa's eagerness to escape from Brenda expels her so quickly from the birth canal that she takes the doctor's head right off? We'll have to wait and see. The Foley guys dump a pot of goulash on the floor as Brenda slumps back in exhaustion. And then there's silence, as masked faces glance urgently at one another. Brenda asks why the baby isn't crying yet, and the OB whisks a gooey little latex doll over to a rolling Plexiglas crib, puts a ventilator bag over its face, and joins the group rolling it out of the room as Brenda wonders where the baby is going. Fade to white. Welcome to the world, Willa Fisher Chenowith (2005 -- [blank]). You have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into.

Claire arrives at home, just as Ruth's leaving a message on her machine about how small Willa is: four pounds, two ounces, which is indeed wee. Judging by Brenda's belly, the baby must have been wearing Missy Elliott's Hefty-bag outfit from "The Rain" video while in the womb. Ruth begins crying, saying, "I can't take another child dying" as she breaks down. We see that Ruth is talking on a pay phone in the hospital hallway instead of a cell phone, of course, because she hasn't learned anything. Ruth pulls herself together and says she's alone with Brenda and the baby at Cedars-Sinai, although she's sure Claire will want to come. Claire looks like she's trying to think of a way that Ruth could be more wrong, and the sheer volume of the mental effort she's expending is making the lines on my TV all wiggly. Ruth hangs up without Claire ever answering her phone.

A bit later, Claire's listening to the rest of her messages, the of which is from Ted, explaining why he took her keys. "Yeah, the world is fucked up, but ending up in a wheelchair isn't gonna make it any better. You're too smart. You're too good. Don't waste that." Beep. And the message is Ted again, realizing that he just turned into his father. Which is funny, because that's totally been an ongoing theme with him. Nice payoff. Ted says, "This is what you do to me. Call me, please." Totally disarmed, Claire picks up the phone to do just that.

Anthony and Durrell lie awake in their bunk beds, listening to David and Keith arguing down the hall. We can't hear them all that well from the kids' room, so we cut to the dads' room as David packs while yelling at Keith for ditching him. Keith insists it's for "us," meaning them and the kids. "You never even wanted those kids," David says. "You are using this as an excuse to dump me, which you've wanted to do ever since Anthony and Durrell came here!" Nice of David to yell this last bit loud enough for Anthony and Durrell to hear. Keith gets up off the bed and literally subdues David physically, saying, "David, I love you, but I am those boys' father and right now I have to take care of them because you can't." David cries and complains about his medication not working, then turns to sob into Keith's shoulder.

A doctor is giving Brenda and Ruth an update on the new baby; basically, she's breathing. And that's with the help of a ventilator. A freakishly pale Brenda says she wants to see Willa, with a predictable level of drama-queening ("She's my baby! You can't keep her from me!"), and the doctor assures Brenda that they'll let her in to see her daughter as soon as Willa's ready. He leaves, and Brenda starts crying. Ruth assures her that Willa will get through it and be home with Brenda soon. Brenda clasps Ruth's hands like a drowning woman. "And Maya's going to be home with you too," Ruth adds, like she's doing Brenda a huge favor by letting her take Maya home. Mighty big of her. Brenda nods gratefully, and now Ruth looks wrecked as well.

Claire and Ted are hanging out in his place, naked. Although of course it's only Ted's ass that we see. His apartment is decorated in Late Bachelor, specifically from the Cleaning Woman period. They banter, as they do, and she wonders what she's doing "Eating fruit salad in bed with a naked frat boy who voted for George Bush. And listening to what sounds suspiciously like Christian music?" Ted confirms it, and explains that if he likes something he hears on the radio, he buys the CD. Claire, alarmed, says he's the "most deeply un-hip person I've ever met." Ted takes that as a compliment. Since the subject of Christianity has come up, Claire figures this is a good time to tell him she had an abortion. Ted says it's okay, since he sort of paid for one. "Well, I didn't really pay for it," he clarifies. "I still have to send her the check." Claire realizes he's joking. After a brief laugh, she changes the subject to her angst. She still wants to be an artist, but she's scared she's not good enough. "So get better," Ted suggests. She doesn't want to go back to school. "Just take pictures," Ted said. "If you're good enough, you'll find out. If you're not, you'll get good enough, or you'll find out you can't." I wonder if that's how he became a lawyer. Claire jokingly says she should take naked pictures of Ted. Ted agrees, but makes her promise not to post them on the internet. "I might want to run for public office someday," he explains. She asks if he's serious. "Aren't you?" he responds.

Cut to a musical montage of Ted posing naked to Christian rock (oh, Alan, you little scamp, you), looking all goofy and self-conscious while Claire snaps away with the digital camera Billy bought her. Because you don't bring that kind of film to the photomat, and it's not like she could use Billy's darkroom for these.

Brenda stands in the hallway outside the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, nervously watching Willa in her incubator. The NICU that M. Small spent the first eighteen days of his life in was much nicer than this; we could go in and hang out with him indefinitely. The couch even folded out. It was like a hotel room with an incubator instead of a bed, and a shitload of medical equipment instead of a TV. Oh, and a really tiny baby. If you ever give birth prematurely, do it in St. Paul. "Too bad you don't believe in anything," says a voice behind her, and she turns to see Late Nate, Jr. approaching, saying, "or you could pray." He takes up position to her at the window. "This is exactly what I was afraid of," he says. "Fuck." Like taking care of her is going to be his problem. He's dead; all he has to do is show up and bitch. Then Brenda is standing alone at the window again as the camera looks past her down the hall to a bright, white light.

Anthony and Durrell sit watching what I'm told is The Fairly Oddparents (at this point my familiarity with children's television is still limited to Baby Einstein) as the dads come into the room, David carrying a bag slung over his shoulder. He says he's leaving for a few days, and Anthony asks why. Durrell thinks he's got it figured out: "'Cause y'all are splitting up, and you're gonna leave us with him," he says, pointing dismissively at Keith. David assures them that he's not leaving, which is kind of an odd thing to say when holding a suitcase. Durrell says as much, and David makes up a lie about a funeral directors' conference in Portland. He promises he's coming back. "I heard that before," Durrell says. Rather than pointing out that he never heard it from David, David gets up and leaves without another word.

Ruth and Maya are sitting at the Fisher kitchen table, doing some sort of flower arrangement thing, when Ma Chenowith marches right in, bitching about Ruth leaving her back door open. "Ruth, it isn't the fifties anymore, no matter how you dress." Having thus charmed everyone, Ma asks Maya if she's ready to go. "No!" Maya barks. Ruth wonders where Maya's going, and Ma explains that Maya's going back home. Ruth is surprised to hear that it's happening so soon, and Ma Chenowith says that Brenda's coming home from the hospital tonight while the baby stays in for a couple of weeks. Ruth utters a sad "oh." Ma Chenowith looks annoyed. I hope it's Brenda she's annoyed with for not giving Ruth any advance notice of this, but somehow I doubt it. Ruth says she'll go pack Maya's things. "That would be helpful, Ruth," Ma snots. Ruth leaves the room.

Dinner at the Diazes'. Rico and Vanessa are discussing their plans for when he gets bought out of the business, at which point he expects half a million dollars for his share, enough to put a down payment on the funeral home they were stalking during the last episode. He asks he if she thinks it'll work. She says she enjoyed helping at the funeral: "It's sort of like being a nurse but without all the blood and bedpans and pills, and I got to wear better clothes." So she won't be helping with the bodies, I take it. She says he just needs to get the Fishers to buy Rico out. "Or sell," Rico says, "preferably to someone who just wants the house and the land and wants to shut the business down." Vanessa looks uncertain, until Rico points out that Brenda, who got Nate's share, doesn't want to be in the funeral business and David's "going kind of nuts. Plus, who needs the competition anyway?" Vanessa smiles at him proudly. That's my little cutthroat, she thinks.

Ruth sits alone at her table full of flowers as the phone rings. Finally she picks it up. It's George, calling from his van pool stop at UCLA to check in. Astute listener that he is, he's able to pick up from her flat voice and almost total lack of affect that she's having a bad day. Ruth confirms it, saying that Ma Chenowith took off with Maya. "Now I'm alone," she says as David comes in carrying his bag. "I'm completely alone." George tries to comfort her, but she sees David standing in her kitchen and hangs up. "I can't be at home right now," David tells her. Ruth asks where he'll go. "Here," he duhs. Did Ruth change her number and only give the new one to George or something? People just keep showing up and dropping bombshells on her. Ruth takes this news much better than she did the repossession of Maya; she tells David to bring his stuff upstairs and she'll make him some cereal. She offers it "in your yellow bowl." David starts to say he hasn't eaten out of that yellow bowl since he was a little boy, then agrees as his oblivious mother gets it out of the cabinet and fills it up.

Claire's answering machine sure gets a lot of lines tonight. She runs in to her place and picks up the phone just as someone is leaving a message. The caller identifies himself as being from "New Image. We're a stock photo production house in New York City." They want her to apply for a job as a photographer's assistant, and the guy mentions that a lot of their staff photographers started as assistants. Claire can barely believe her luck.

Cut to her down in the Fisher kitchen, doing that thing where you're pretending not to be totally stoked about something even when you are. She yammers on about how she's sure the pay is shit, and she wonders who recommended her (the gallery owner, or Billy, or someone else). It's basically a one-shot of her talking, so we're just waiting for the reveal where she turns out to be talking to an empty room. But when she finishes mixing her coffee, she turns around and realizes that she might as well be; Ruth and David are both sitting motionless at the kitchen table in their bathrobes. Ruth miserably says, "That's wonderful to hear," and David adds, "You couldn't pay me to live in New York City." Ruth offers Claire a bowl of cereal, but Claire, hearing only "one of us one of us one of us," declines and gets the hell out of there.

Rico and Vanessa are touring what may be the Diaz & Diaz funeral home (of course you know Vanessa will insist on having her name first). Rico gets assurance from the realtor that the plumbing problems in the basement were fixed, although she's not clear on the particulars. "When everything gets backed up, then blood comes out of the toilet," Rico explains to her. Vanessa asks for a copy of the work report and guarantee, then points out a spot where they can put in an espresso bar. Rico says he always wanted to do that, but "David thought it would be disrespectful." I have to agree. Go with a beer tub. They both smile happily during the fade to white.

I don't know how many days or weeks have passed, but Brenda's peering through that same window at her incubating daughter while Ma Chenowith stands to her, listening to the doctor give good news: Willa's doing well. The doctor's ready to permanently remove the feeding tube and send her home in another 24 hours. Brenda gets confirmation that there's no sign of spina bifida or Downs, or anything else from that scary test, at least not yet. Brenda looks at the doctor gratefully, then looks back at her daughter, then does a double take as Nate has suddenly taken the doctor's place. He's wearing the doctor's clothes and everything, like he Quantum Leaped into the doctor's body. This walking malpractice suit bitches, "Great. So she'll seem normal for a while, until whatever's fucked up about her shows up." Ma Chenowith tells Brenda this is good news, and Nate tells her to "Shut up, Marge, you fucking idiot." Heh. He thinks Willa's prematurity is connected to the blood test. "There's something wrong with our baby. You should never have had it." Brenda sighs miserably and runs her hand through her hair. Ma snaps her out of it by telling her not to "shit all over" the good news. Brenda thanks the doctor, who's back in his body, and he leaves the Chenowiths alone.

Ruth's watching a rerun of Just Shoot Me in her bathrobe. I'm sure that's relevant somehow, but I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe there's a clue in the title. George walks right in and sits down to her on the sofa, remarking that the back door's open. "Yes, I suppose someone could just come in and murder me in cold blood. Which would be a blessing." Rather than making fun of Ruth's wardrobe, George says she just needs time, but Ruth says she feels worse every day. She can barely remember life before Nate, and says she can't live without him. George says she can, for Maya. Ruth says, "They've taken Maya. I'll probably never see her or her sister again. If her sister even survives." George says she'll get through it, but she doesn't want to. "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone," she insists. "I just want it to end." George offers to take care of her: "You did it for me. Now it's my turn." "To do what?" Ruth snaps. To stomp around the house acting all distant and put-upon, beg David not to leave, and plot how to dump her? But she clarifies, "Feel helpless while you watch me lose my mind?" George just wants to hold her. She lets him. We cut away before he starts moving all of her stuff down to the bomb shelter.

Cut to David in the office, telling his partners that he has no intention of selling the family business. Rico tells David to buy him out then, and warns him that the place is worth $2 million. So he bought 25% of the business for $75,000 three years ago, and now wants half a million to get out three years later? Greedy much? He asks Brenda what she wants to do. She says she doesn't really care. David gapes at her in betrayal. "Sorry, David, I don't," although it sounds like she called him "dude," which I would have preferred. Maybe the Fishers would have liked her more if she dropped a "dude" every once in a while. David realizes he doesn't care either. "Why am I fighting for something that I've always been ambivalent about?" he asks the room. "Habit," says Brenda, using one word to sum up the driving force behind her and Nate's relationship for God knows how long. Thanks, Brenda, for rendering sixty-three recaps completely superfluous. David agrees to put the funeral home on the market. "Coo'," Rico grins.

Up in the kitchen, David takes his microwave dinner out of the nuke box, excitedly telling Ruth about his decision. She doesn't seem to care one way or another. "We've all been clutching so desperately to the past, and for what?" "Because that's when there was hope," Ruth says softly. David looks up at her at that, and seems to notice her outfit for the first time: a brown cardigan over her powder-blue terry cloth bathrobe, and a straw gardening hat. It's a look that makes a powerful fashion statement, and that statement is, "After careful consideration, I have decided to run mad." She happens to glance over at the gap between the refrigerator and the wall, and notices something lodged in there. She immediately dives at it, falls to her knees, and sets about trying to pull it out while David sits in his chair and watches in pity and confusion. Claire comes in to say she's going over to Ted's tonight. "Take a sweater," Ruth sobs from the floor. Claire asks David what she's doing, but David has no idea. Ruth finally frees a small, brown stuffed animal from behind the fridge and weeps loudly, still crouched on the floor. Her children just watch as she says, "[Maya] loves this monkey. I have to wash it." She slumps out of the room, petting it furiously. This is what family's for. At moments like this, when times get hard, you can always count on them to stare at you like a sideshow freak. Fade to white.

Exterior shot of the funeral home, with a realtor's sign reading "IN ESCROW" Which is why it's a little weird that Keith and David are at the natural history museum. They walk among the dinosaur skeletons, excitedly talking about what they can do with David's share and Keith's savings -- namely, buy a house and, Keith adds, send David back to school to become a lawyer like he always wanted. David says, "I don't think I ever wanted to be a lawyer. I think I just wanted to have sex with Harry Hamlin." But he's all excited about getting a house with a yard and a dog and a tire swing. "Those boys don't want a tire swing," Keith says. "They want a TV the size of a wall." They agree that David will be ready to come home soon. Keith squeezes David's arm and goes off to find the kids. David turns to follow, and of course sees a person with a red hoodie on the far side of the exhibit hall. Then the wearer pulls the hood down and reveals himself to be a young, tall, blonde woman. Rico should totally start wearing one of those hoodies around the funeral home all the time.

David catches up with his family looking into a display case outside the museum's theater, so they can hear the sound of prehistoric animal growling. Anthony points out a fossilized wolf brain that "looks like poop," and David pronounces it "Cool." Durrell snaps that it's not, and David saying it is makes it even less so. Durrell stomps off. Looks like someone's still mad at David for leaving. Or he's pissed about the cheapening of the concept of cool, which is only going to get worse as he enters high school and college. Pace yourself, Durrell.

Over at Brenda's house, she's doing something incredibly reckless; she's letting Olivier hold Willa. Ma Chenowith laughs at the French lullaby Olivier just sang to the baby, and Olivier defensively goes, "So?" Billy, stalking the bookcase to Olivier's chair, answers, "So? So, it has to be analyzed and diagnosed and turned into an example of some kind of pathology. I mean, this is the Chenowith family." Olivier steals my line when he tells Willa, "That's what you were born into. I'm sorry." Like I'm sure that French he just sang to her isn't something completely violent or filthy.

Outside, Claire, Ted, Ruth, and Ted's goofy striped polo shirt mount the steps to the front porch. Ruth balks when she realizes Brenda's "having guests," and heads back to wait in the car. Ted chases her down the steps and assures her that Maya will be happy to see her monkey. "And to see you," he adds, before Ruth hands him the stuffed animal and continues on her way. Claire knocks, which means that Billy is contractually obligated to answer, wearing his "What Would Jesus Bomb?" T-shirt. Awkwardness ensues. Billy invites everyone in, politely calling Ruth "Mrs. Fisher." Ted introduces himself, and Claire introduces her ex as "Billy. Brenda's brother." Ted says Billy's name, and Billy says Ted's back with ten times more meaning than a lesser actor would be able to infuse into that one syllable. They say it's nice to meet each other as Billy closes the door, scratching his head.

A little later, Ruth and Maya laugh happily over Maya and the monkey she's been reunited with. Claire watches from the archway to the dining room. Olivier and his light-blue sweater come up and ask about her impending move to New York. Claire downplays the deal with her new job: "It's just a lame gofer job, like I used to do for you." Olivier disagrees: "You could easily go on to become a soulless advertising photographer. And with your gifts, I'm sure you will." Claire stands there trying to figure out if she just got insulted or complimented, until Oliver rescues her by saying he was the one who recommended her. Claire's incredulous, but Olivier insists that he believes in her. Claire thanks Olivier effusively, which of course embarrasses him into saying she just popped into his mind after seeing her at the art show. And he didn't recommend Russell?

Ma Chenowith, meanwhile, has had enough of watching Maya and Ruth bond, so she comes over with her replacement for the monkey; a stuffed okapi, to be exact. As Ma explains, "The okapi is the only known living relative of the giraffe. Its young really don't seem to imprint on the mother, so they nurse from any available lactating female. We just went to the zoo this week." Ruth, not feeling like playing, gets up and leaves Maya with her other grandmother and her new okapi. And just in case you didn't get it, Ma Chenowith dumps the monkey off the chair and onto the floor. Insecure much, Ma?

Ted's giving a fascinated Billy a capsule recap of his relationship thus far with Claire: "We really didn't hit it off at first." Billy huhs. Ted explains that he was there when Claire heard about Nate, so he spent the night in the hospital. Billy huhs again. "You know, that's how my sister met her brother. The night his father died." Ted nervously jokes that it runs in the family. Billy just looks at him seriously and takes him by the beer hand, saying, "I am so…jealous of you." Ted carefully extricates his beer and himself. If it weren't for the beer, I'd probably just leave the hand.

Brenda and Ruth stand over Willa's crib in the master bedroom, as the adorable little baby stares up at them and wiggles randomly. It's a low-angle shot looking up at the two women just over the crib rail. They agree that she looks stronger, and of course Late Nate, Jr. appears behind them, standing on a milk crate so he can be in the shot and saying, "No she's not, she's barely moving." Brenda says Willa's calm. Nate thinks Willa's blind. Brenda softly talks up how well Willa's doing, especially in the area of appetite. Nate says that's because Willa knows she doesn't have much time: "She wants to get it while she can." Shut up, Nate. Brenda looks like she really wants to convince herself that everything's okay.

Late at night, David sleeps in his bedroom at the funeral home. A shadow passes over him, and he finds himself lying on a slab in the Body Shop, shirtless and wearing pajama bottoms. He sits up and spots Late Nate, Sr. lurking in a corner and smoking, accusing David of selling his legacy. "Yeah, and good riddance," David confirms. Late Nate agrees that David never had it in him, which David throws right back at his father in the form of Late Nate's "secret room over a really bad Indian restaurant." Late Nate says David's secret room is being gay, and cackles madly. "Fuck you," David says, and now Late Nate gets mad. "Who do you think you are?" Late Nate hisses, and starts walking along the far wall. David's slab swivels creepily as his father moves, so he's constantly facing him. "You think you can just walk away from this? Are you really that stupid?" At this point, Late Nate is standing in front of what looks like an elevator cage set into the wall. "It only gets closer, David," he says, and now the caged alcove is bathed in red light, and occupied by a figure in a red sweatshirt, the hood pulled down over its face. Maybe it's Rico? And then the grate slides open, it's not caged off any more. The figure steps menacingly out of the cage, making more of those prehistoric animal noises from the natural history museum as David shrinks back and fearfully says, "You don't exist." The sweatshirt's hood is an empty black hole as the figure leaps up onto the slab and slashes at David with a huge knife. David scrambles off and cowers in a corner, feeling the blood on his chest in Saving Private Ryan-vision as the jungle drums play. The figure comes closer to David, and finally shows its teeth. Actually, the face is literally nothing but teeth, a set of saber-toothed mandibles snarling furiously. David gathers his courage and leaps at it. He knocks it off the slab, retrieves the knife it dropped, and makes to stab the figure in the chest. But the face looking back at him now from under the red hood is his own, and it's terrified. David drops the knife and hugs himself, wishing he'd gone to a Wizard of Oz museum or something.

And then wakes up back in his bed, where he sits up and sees his brother sitting there smiling at him. And then Nate isn't there. BUT THERE'S STILL BLOOD ON DAVID'S CHEST! No, actually there isn't. That would be even goofier than what we just saw. Fade to white.

Won't someone just shoot Ruth already? She's watching her reruns again as Claire comes in, happily talking to Ted on her cell phone. She finally gets off (the phone -- it's not that kind of call) and, from the kitchen window, asks Ruth what she's watching. "I don't know, it's always on," says Bathrobe Lady. Claire tries lamely to make conversation: "Isn't it weird, this isn't gonna be our house anymore?" She figures she'll move in with Ted. "Although I really hate his apartment." Ruth desultorily says she figures she'll take up George on his offer to move in with him. Claire asks if that's what Ruth wants. Ruth finally deigns to turn and look at her daughter, saying, "I'll never have what I want. Never." Downer.

Claire's cell phone rings, and it's someone from New Image, asking for her Social Security number and her address in New York. Claire explains that she lives in California. "Hmm, that's gonna be an awfully big commute," the guy snarks. Tell it to the recapper, New Image Guy. Claire realizes this means she got the job, and he confirms that he has her down as starting on December 7, a day that will no doubt live in infamy. Claire starts to excitedly give the news to Ruth, but the depressing scene in the living room stops her short. Claire wraps up the call.

Rico's trimming a corpse's nails, and looks up as David enters the room. They smile pleasantly at each other. "I called off escrow," David announces. Rico stops smiling. David says, "This is my family's business, Rico, and I won't sell it. Sorry." Rico says that means David has to buy him out. David pleasantly says he can't afford to. Rico: "So I'm just fucked?" David suggest Rico sell his share of the business. Rico yells, "Nobody's gonna want to pay a half a million dollars for 25% of this business, you fucking moron! If they have that kind of money, they're gonna want to open up their own place. Something small. Something they can finally call their own and run it the way they want without a bunch of tight-ass idiots always getting in their fucking way!" Yeah, who's going to be stupid enough to put himself in Rico's position? He slams down the toenail clippers and stomps off. David stands there, looks around the Body Shop, and smiles serenely. Rico, I told you to get a red hoodie, and now it's too late.

George is helping Ruth pack up her stuff, and she's basically Queer-Eyeing herself as she goes, telling George to throw clothes out almost willy-nilly. "My entire life, I've been wearing clothes that I hate." Actually, you've been wearing a bathrobe for most of this episode. Ruth asks about Maggie, and George says that Maggie left over a month ago, and he doesn't know where. Ruth pushes, and George reluctantly admits that he saw Maggie before Willa was born, "and she was completely irrational. Very, very angry." Ruth asks what she was angry about, and George says Maggie didn't tell him and he didn't ask. "Look, this is not the first time this has happened," he chuckles defensively. Ruth decides then and there that she's not moving in with him. "Don't get me wrong, you're a good, decent man with a big heart. But there are walls around that heart. Walls behind walls behind walls." She says she can't live with that any more. George looks hangdog, and Ruth says she'll still go out with him. "We can have a lot more fun this way. And believe me, I could use a little fun." If George decides that by "fun" she means "hot old monkey love, and right now," the scene ends before he acts on it. This seems to be a turning point for Ruth. I'd speculate on whether standing up for herself made her feel better, or if she felt better enough to stand up for herself, but at this point in the series something's got to happen so it doesn't really matter.

David's back at home with Keith and the kids, saying a long-winded grace. He thanks God "for the love we feel for each other, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard." David, the kids are right there. "And finally," he continues, "for these two boys, who came into our lives and made us a family. And who have given us a home every bit as much as we have them. Amen." Everyone says amen, and even Durrell looks like he means it. And not just because he's hungry.

Brenda sleeps in her bed, but even then Late Nate Jr. won't leave her alone, spooning up and whispering in her ear, "She can't breathe. She can't get any oxygen to her brain." Well, of course not; look at her parents. Brenda dashes to the crib and looks down at Willa, who's awake but quiet, flailing gently. "Why can't you love her?" she says to the shirtless Nate standing on his milk crate behind her. "Because she's damaged," Nate spits, "and nobody will ever be able to fix her. Ever." Oh, whatever. Sounds like Nate's ideal woman.

Keith and David are having a much better night, going by their snuggly, shirtless (at least) pose in their bed. Keith says he talked to his accountant today, and announces that the two of them can afford buy Rico out. David says he can't let Keith do that: "That money is yours." "That money is ours," Keith says. "For our new house. I don't know if you've realized, but that house you grew up in is a great fucking house." David wonders if Keith doesn't find it depressing. David's been to our forums. Keith says it doesn't have to be, which means yes. "I think we could make it into something pretty spectacular." After buying Rico out? How much was the Pasqueasel paying Keith, anyway? David loves the idea, and he loves him some Keith.

Maggie's sitting in a waiting room at a doctor's office. There was all sorts of speculation as to whether this means she's pregnant, but we already know that her job is as a pharmaceutical rep. The nurse says the doctor will see her, and just as she gets up to go in, her cell phone rings. She answers, and it's Ruth, with a question about Nate: "Was he happy?" Maggie starts hedging about how Nate was feeling like his life was complicated, but Ruth means that night. "He was," Maggie says. Ruth closes her eyes in relief, and asks if Maggie was. Nearly crying herself, Maggie says she was. Ruth thanks her and says it helps. Maggie says she's sorry, and she has to go, I guess because she's made everyone in the room wait for her long enough. She snaps her cell phone shut. Ruth cries happily. This would have been a better turning point, had it given her the wherewithal to turn George down, but she had to talk to George about it before she was motivated to call Maggie. Kind of a chicken-egg thing, I suppose.

Exterior shot of the funeral home, now with the realtor's sign gone. Keith and David, the former in a suit and tie while David is in shirtsleeves, make their pitch to Brenda. Nervously, they offer to buy Brenda out and pay her back as soon as they can. "Okay," Brenda says agreeably. David looks surprised, because he doesn't realize there are only twenty minutes left in the whole series. Brenda explains that Pa Chenowith left her "a ton of money," and Nate had life insurance, "believe it or not," so the guys can take their time. David thanks her. "Come on, we're family," Brenda says. David and Keith agree, because what else are they gonna do?

Brenda starts to head out, when she's waylaid by Ruth, coming down the stairs. Ruth asks about the baby, and Brenda cheerfully digs in her purse for new pictures. She hands them over, and Ruth sits at the bottom of the stairs to shuffle through them. But Ruth actually gets stuck on the first one. "Look at those eyes," she says wonderingly. Brenda, suddenly worried, asks if Ruth sees something wrong, and sits down to her. "It just seems like she sees more than we do," Ruth clarifies. "Like she's a very old soul." Wow, even people in Ruth's demographic talk like that in California sometimes. Brenda takes the photo and examines it, like she's wondering why that never showed up on an ultrasound. Ruth realizes that Brenda's still worried about Willa. Brenda admits that every doctor visit goes fine, "but I can't shake the feeling that something's going to go wrong." What you need to shake, Brenda, is that hairy ghost that keeps showing up. Ruth says, "If my experience is anything to go by, motherhood is the loneliest thing in the world." As Brenda looks at Ruth wonderingly, she explains that Late Nate, Sr. was still in Vietnam when Late Nate, Jr. was born, and was barely there when David came along. Brenda begins, "You know Nate and I were…" Ruth knows, and says, "I know he loved you the very best he could. And I know you needed more. So did I." She says she wants Brenda to "put everything behind us and let me help you, because I know you're going to need it." Brenda thanks Ruth for the first time, and tearily admits she does need help.

And how will Diaz & Diaz react to the buyout? Well, now there's an escrow sign outside the funeral home that Rico and Vanessa are buying, and they're at home, having a celebratory dinner with the kids. The Federiquitos aren't sure they want to move, until they hear they might have their own rooms. Vanessa and Rico clink their champagne glasses and toast to the future. "Yes, baby," Vanessa agrees. I guess she's really forgiven him, now that she gets to wear her hubba-hubba funeral dress every day. Just try not to cheat with any more strippers, Rico.

Claire walks across the Fisher kitchen to the fridge and opens it up, giving us a nice view of the photo of Willa stuck to the door. She hears Ruth crying in the living room, and goes out to find her looking through old photo albums. Claire puts down her water bottle and sits to Ruth, who's saying, "I don't know why I keep looking at these. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better." She closes the album and puts it aside, giving Claire a free path to hug her. Ruth doesn't return the gesture. "I'd give anything if I could make things different for you," Claire says. Even your fancy new job? Well, actually, yeah. "I don't think I'm gonna go to New York," Claire says, shaking her head like, please say no please say no please say no. Ruth's amazed that Claire would do that. She hugs her daughter back and emotionally but firmly says, "Absolutely not. Go. Live. I'll unfreeze your trust fund. Take it and find whatever life has in store for you." Now it's Claire's turn to get weepy, because, money! Claire asks if she'll still move in with George, and Ruth says she's moving in with Sarah. Claire asks if Sarah's back from Costa Rica. Ruth says Bettina's house-sitting, but Ruth's moving in anyway. "If Sarah doesn't like it, it's too fucking bad." Something tells me Bettina won't be asked to housesit again. Claire again offers to wait, but Ruth says she's always regretted staying home to take care of her legless grandmother. Ruth says she doesn't regret her kids or Late Nate, Sr., but she regrets never giving herself a choice. "I won't let you make the same mistake," she tells Claire forcefully. More crying. More hugging.

Brenda wakes up, alone in bed this time. She calls for Maya. There's no answer. Brenda gets up and walks down the hall to Maya's room and looks at the sleeping hump to the spinning night light, and proceeds to the living room, where Willa's crib is now. Late Nate is holding Willa to the crib, to his father, saying that Willa's beautiful. Late Nate, Sr. looks up and tells Brenda, "Hi. We've never met. I'm Nathaniel." Nate carries Willa over to Nate and says, "I love her so much. And I always will." Brenda smiles and takes the baby before another edit leaves Willa held by nobody and plummeting to the floor. Nate gives Brenda a significant look, and leans over Willa for a kiss. Whatever. I don't buy the theory that Brenda is "more open" to Nate's feelings when she's asleep, because he woke her up earlier in the episode. I think she's just finally realized that Willa is going to be okay. And so is she, now that Ruth has offered to help. Some more. I don't see why she had to drag Nate into it.

Just then, Willa gives a little squawk. Brenda wakes up again, and looks down at Willa lying to her, unaware of the danger she's in from getting squished. Babies in their little baby hats, dude. So cute. Sometimes I kind of miss when M. Small had to wear a hat all the time. But now his favorite word is "Dad," so it's a good tradeoff. Fade to white.

Claire opens a gift from Ted: A CD labeled Ted's Deeply Un-Hip Mix. He makes her promise he won't listen to it until she drives away the morning. "I can't play it tonight at my big farewell dinner that you won't even come to?" she asks. Well, no; there's no track titled "Clunky Exposition." Ted says everyone's going to want a piece of Claire, and he doesn't want to share her. And also, Alan Ball didn't want him in the scene. Claire in turn tearfully makes him promise that he won't let himself get drafted and go get blowed up in the Middle East "so Halliburton and Bechtel can get richer." He promises. "You're too smart," she says. "You're too good. Don't waste that." To his credit, he manages not to laugh in her face. It looks like a near thing, though. Or maybe he's trying not to cry. You figure it out.

Ruth sits around a table in Sarah's yard with Bettina and Bettina's daughter Marcie. They're drinking white wine, listening to Jackson Browne, and trying to think of a way to make money. They consider and discard meth labs, an assassin service, kidney-stealing, and violent-crime-scene clean-up. Bettina realizes they have no choice but to become hookers. Ruth, who's wearing her hair down and has raided Sarah's closet in addition to descending on her home, says she's thinking of starting a day care service for dogs, like the one Nate worked at. Because now that David's faced his demon, they have to think of another way to keep reminding us of that episode. George pulls up in the driveway in his Volvo (of course). Ruth waves him over. Bettina mutters, "Georgie Porgie. He hates me." And, scene. That was weird. But I suppose he needed to show up so we wouldn't be confused when we see him at the end of the episode.

Claire's phone rings as she gets ready for her big farewell dinner that Ted won't even come to. She doesn't pick up, but we hear yet another guy from New Image telling her that the company's been bought out by a company called Stock Options in Chicago. "I hope you haven't headed out her yet. Um, sorry." Beep. As Claire stands there, taking in the fact that this has just fallen through ["and that the dude didn't leave a phone number; if you want to make Claire's flying-without-a-net departure credible, get the details right, please" -- Sars], the camera swings around and spots Nate standing in a far corner behind her. "Ah, who cares," he says. "Go anyway." Claire hyperventilates about going to New York with out a job. "Mom gave you the money. You're gonna land somewhere. You'll be fine." Yes, I'm sure she'll find a lovely subway grate. "You're talented. You're smart. You're ready." Claire wonders what happens if she's not. And suddenly Nate is to her instead of in front of her, offering to tell her a secret: "I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready, not being right, not being who I should be. And where did it get me?" Claire wonders what to tell everyone at the big farewell dinner that Ted won't even come to. "Nothing!" Nate says, and then, intensely: "You can't stay here."

Later that night, every light is on in the Fisher house, which is now the Fisher/Charles house. David proudly gives George a tour of the place. The room that used to be one of the laundry rooms is now "video game central." David proudly says that he's made it to Moscow on Tony Hawk Underground. "You can't imagine the respect it bought me." They move on to the living room with its new windows, where Keith is reading to Maya while Claire takes a photo of them. Ruth leads Bettina down the stairs, saying, "It's like I never lived here." Bettina complains about the beige, until she gets to the kitchen, which she loves. Before we get a good look at that, though, there's a glimpse of Brenda playing poker with the kids in whatever room lies beyond the kitchen. "Does it hurt to have a baby?" Anthony asks. "Yes, it does," Brenda understates. And now we get a look at the kitchen, where the walls are all done in red with white trim and cabinets, with a giant chrome stove and hood that looks like an evil robot. "It's a little intimidating," Ruth confesses to Bettina. "It's gay," Bettina corrects. "It's a 100% gay kitchen." Bettina comments that the old table looks a little out of place, and Ruth says the guys will get around to getting rid of it. Sure they will. After gutting and redecorating the entire house in a matter of weeks, I can't imagine them not "getting around to" anything. And one minute later, the long tracking shot that constituted that entire scene is over.

Cut to the dining room, where everyone's sitting around the table reminiscing about Nate. Claire recalls the Ecstasy incident, and Anthony asks what Ecstasy is. "It's medicine," David explains, and everyone laughs. Brenda remembers Nate groping her at that dinner, and Ruth says she remembers walking in on them in much more compromising positions. Brenda laughs that they're not getting into that with "younger ears at the table." "What? Tell me!" Durrell says. "What, tell me," Bettina adds. David brings up a story about when Nate was a junior in high school, and he'd started a new wave band with the guy who ran over himself in "Dancing for Me" and their idiot buddy. David describes Nate's giant eighties hair, and he remembers sitting to Nate at the table and noticing that a spider had spun a web in Nate's hair. Everyone laughs. David says he didn't say anything at the time, because of how cool Nate wanted to be. "And I wanted him to be that cool. I wanted him to be the coolest brother anybody had ever had." There's a long silence. George steps up to his traditional role of taking over when David trails off, and raises his wine glass, saying, "To Nate." Ruth smiles at him. David raises his red wine and responds, "To Nate." "To Nate," Bettina toasts with her tumbler. "To Nate," says Claire with her red wine. "To Nate," says Keith, at the foot of the table with something with a slice of fruit in a highball glass, easily the gayest drink at the table. "To my first-born," Ruth says with her red wine. "To Uncle Nate," say Anthony and Durrell, with their water and milk, respectively. Brenda says to Maya, "Can you say, 'To Daddy'?" "To Daddy," Maya says, hoisting a nearly empty bottle of Night Train. Not really. Finally, Brenda says, "To Nate," and sips her whisky or whatever. Everyone drinks. Moment of silence. "May he rest in peace," David says. Fade to white.

Where Nate pops onto my screen in a white suit and aviator shades, lip syncing "I Just Want to Celebrate" by Rare Earth, I think. For a second, it's like they're saying, "This is how the show would end if it were 7th Heaven," but it's just Claire being woken up by the classic rock station on her clock radio. She hits the snooze button to go back to sleep, but Nate, who's in the room with her, wearing his jogging outfit and lacing up his running shoes, isn't having it. "Everybody's waiting," he says, and heads out.

Keith and David got a new sign for the front yard. It reads, "Fisher & Sons: A Family Business for Over 60 Years." Claire sets her purse on the porch railing and comes up the stairs, admitting to David and Ruth that "I have no idea how to do this." David does. He smiles and hugs her. "You say goodbye. And you say I love you. I'll miss you." Claire agrees with that last one whole-heartedly, and tells David to be happy. "I am," he says. Claire goes to Ruth in Sarah's embroidered bathrobe. "Don't let them work you too hard at your new job," she says. "I won't," Claire says truthfully, and adds that she hopes Ruth can come visit. Ruth says she'll try, and they hug. "I pray you'll be filled with hope as long as you can." Claire barely holds off the tears long enough to say, "Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving me life." "You gave me life," Ruth returns. Claire sobs that she doesn't want to go. "Yes you do," yells Late Nate Jr. from the bottom of the stoop, still in his jogging clothes. Keith and the boys come out, and Anthony gets a hug from Aunt Claire. Durrell asks Claire to get him something from the fire department museum in Brooklyn. "Durrell's going to be a fireman," David explains. Durrell proudly reminds Claire that "my dad Keith used to be a cop." Claire remembers that Keith "looked really good in his uniform." That earns her a sexy chuckle and a hug from Keith. Claire says she wants to take a picture, and takes up position on the sidewalk with her SLR. Nate appears behind her, saying over her shoulder, "You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone." Yeah? Then block the shot, smart guy. Claire clicks the shutter anyway, and cries as she looks at the five people who make up the current permutation of her family, bigger and yet smaller than it was at the beginning of the series.

Cut to Claire in her new car, which she starts with a power button instead of a key. She pops Ted's Deeply Un-Hip Mix into the CD player. Cue "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. No, not really. It's actually the song from the Season Five trailer, "Breathe Me" by Sia. It sounds a bit like a Tori Amos power ballad. If knowing this song makes Ted deeply un-hip, I shudder to think what not knowing it makes me. Claire pulls out of the driveway in a brand-new dark-gray Prius. As she drives down the street from the funeral home, Claire looks in her sideview mirror and sees Late Nate, Jr. running alongside her car. He drops out of sight as she picks up speed. How fitting that a guy who once thought his wife had been reincarnated as a dog now has to spend eternity chasing cars. With Nate gone, Claire sobs harder than ever. Or maybe she just realized what a horrible mistake she made by buying a brand-new car before moving to New York. ["Could have been worse. Could have been an Accord." -- Sars] She pulls onto the 10.

Cut to a big back yard, shot with saturated colors and borderline overexposure so that everything seems to glow, like in all those music videos David Fincher used to direct in the early '90s. Dogs frolic on the preternaturally green grass. Ruth and Bettina sit in chaise lounges and take turns throwing tennis balls from a big bucket between them. I know I've said this about recapping, but Ruth and Bettina have the best job ever.

Claire drives on, down the freeway.

In glow-vision, David's down in the Body Shop, explaining to Durrell how embalming works. As he's doing it.

Claire drives along, staring dreamily forward, which doesn't look all that safe considering how fast the rear projection is making it look like she's driving.

Little Willa turns one. Brenda, Maya, Ruth, Olivier, Ma Chenowith, Billy (holding a puppy), Keith, Durrell, Anthony, and David sing "Happy Birthday" at Brenda's house. Everyone looks the same, except Anthony has more hair and Willa's warm fleece cap has been replaced by a festive paper cone.

Claire drives on, the view through her windshield making it look like she's in a Philip Glass video.

David and Keith get married outdoors, in matching white tuxedo jackets. Anthony and Durrell are only seen from the back as they hand over the rings, but both boys are significantly taller. Father Jack officiates. Maya's a beautiful little girl of maybe six or seven, holding her monkey in her lap. A re-pregnant Brenda (or, let's face it, a still-pregnant Rachel Griffiths) sits between her and her new husband, a JC Penney catalog model who's holding toddler Willa. Rico and Vanessa hold hands and smile. George and Ruth smile but don't hold hands. David and Keith kiss, and Claire blocks a bunch of people's views as she gets a picture. Everyone applauds. Or at least the people Claire's not blocking do.

Claire, out of the city now, drives through the desert on an isolated two-way highway.

Ruth's in a bed at a nursing home or hospital, an oxygen tube in her nose and her hair a white nimbus around her head. George, a suited David, and Claire are at her bedside, all three of them with a lot more forehead. David's going gray and thinning on top. Ruth looks across the room to where Late Nate, Sr. is standing there in his suit, smiling at the thought of getting some for the first time in 25 years. Ruth turns her head, and Late Nate, Jr. is standing there in his jogging outfit. He smiles comfortingly, and Ruth's eyes close. David and George cry. So long, Ruth O'Connor Fisher (1946-2025). You'll be missed. By someone, I'm sure.

At the cemetery, David stands with a grown-up Durrell, then sends him to join the rest of the family at the side of the Fisher family plot. Claire sits with George, and a grown-up Anthony sits to Keith, just as bald as his dad. Maya sits on George's right, looking sad and thirtysomething, even though she should only be in her twenties. A figure in a suit approaches, and Claire recognizes a graying Lawyer Ted -- probably Senator Ted now.

Claire's Prius drives on through the desert at a normal speed.

The back door opens on an armored car marked "Charles Security." Keith, uniformed and gray-goateed, starts to unload it. Before we can wonder why the owner of the company is also the driver, Keith is shot by Kevlared robbers. Keith Dwayne Charles (1968-2029) maybe should have rethought his vocation.

Claire drives on, in late-afternoon sunlight.

In a white room, Claire marries Senator Ted. The front row on one side, from left to right, is Anthony's husband, Anthony, and David. The other side of the aisle might be Durrell, Durrell's wife, and their biracial child. Brenda and her husband, both graying, look on approvingly from further back. Claire kisses Ted and smiles at everyone, embarrassed at how much her straight blonde hair makes her look like Shelley Long. Applause.

Claire drives in the opposite direction now. Did she change her mind?

At a huge family picnic, Fishers, Chenowiths, Charleses and more swarm around a park. A bespectacled Brenda and Claire sit at a table and talk while Claire tries to keep the wind from blowing the hair out of her face and showing how not 61 she is. Sitting to a gray-haired, balding, mustachioed Durrell, a serene and bald-topped David happily watches the kids play football. And then Keith -- young, strong, and handsome -- catches the ball and turns to smile at David James Fisher (1969-2044), who topples backwards off his bench. Those Fishers sure know how to ruin a picnic.

See Claire drive. Drive, Claire, drive.

On a cruise ship of the future, an unclearly-seen old man in a green shirt, brown shorts, and Panama hat gets up, twiddles his wife's toes, and heads off to the bathroom or something. But he doesn't get more than a couple of steps before feeling in vain for his pulse and collapsing on the deck. Hector Federico Diaz, (1974-2049) has finally shut up.

Claire drives. It's later in the afternoon. It's so pretty.

In a living room of the future, Billy -- wearing something on his head that was fashioned out of a bald wig and white dryer lint -- yammers on about Ted and closure and emotional responses while Brenda, completely white-haired and papery-skinned, listens patiently. Finally she decides, Oh, fuck this noise, and tips her head back to stare at the ceiling. Billy says her name, but she's unresponsive. You might think that Billy finally bored Brenda Chenowith (1969-2051) to death, but I prefer to think that she's faking.

Claire's Prius continues through the desert.

Photographs, all over the wall! There's George in profile with someone else, Ruth and Bettina, Brenda's family at David and Keith's wedding, some glowing futuristic hologram I can't make out, and a few others. And that's just in the hallway outside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom are even more. Black and white art shots, Nate wearing a collage mask in one of those ones that started all the trouble with Russell late last season, aging David and Keith, Nate and Brenda at their wedding (pre-seagull), Maya and a sippy-cup, Ted and Claire kissing at their own wedding. An old, white-haired woman who can only be Claire lies in bed while a nurse reads. And there's a look at one last photo, a head-and-hands shot of Ted that she took at the opening of the episode. In one last ironic twist, we get a tight close-up on her milky, blind eyes, and that's the end for Claire Simone Fisher (1983-2085).

Now that is a fucking montage, people.

Close-up on Claire's still-youthful, still-sighted eyes as she watches the road, her hair blowing gently in the wind. She glances at her sideview mirror. I'd say if Nate kept up for this long and this fast, it could only mean that he's really mad. Claire drives her Prius on toward the horizon as the perfect, ideal song for this sequence ends. I wait for a slow pan to a road sign that reads "Now Entering Death Valley," but it is not to be. There's just one last fade to white. And in the final bit of symmetry, the credits roll, black-on-white, for another five years.

So that's it. Show's over. Go home. Thanks to Wing and Sars, all the SFU recappers who covered this show before me, the cast and crew of Six Feet Under (especially Jill Soloway, for reasons that will become apparent some time in the couple of weeks), and, of course, all y'all. You're who I do this for. Well, you and the money. I leave you with one last thought, courtesy of this final episode: no matter how much happiness, peace, love, fulfillment, or self-actualization you find in this life, you still end up just as dead.

week: Rome. I'll be there. Will you?