Aaron gave this episode a grade of
B+
491 users have given this episode an average grade of
D
What can I say? You people are good. I asked for nicknames for Keith and David's new apartment, and I got no less than eight superlative suggestions. Either you're all incredibly clever and creative, or you've got too much free time on your hands. Given the recent posting explosion in the forums, I'd say it's probably the latter. But that's okay. I don't work all that hard at my day job, either. Of course, I also owe my friendly new stalker pikajew a major shout-out for winning the "Name All Fifty Recaps" contest, but I couldn't decide whether to make it a Pokmon reference or a Dust Bunny joke, so she'll just have to make do with a simple "pikajew rules!" And she does, you know. I should also take this time to throw out a profound and heartfelt apology to Strega for last week's recap, on the off chance that it prevents her from going through with whatever devious schemes for revenge I just know she's got planned.
Strega: Who me? Revenge? I would never.
Aaron: Yeah. Sure you wouldn't.
Strega: Please. I'm too evolved to engage in these petty little recapper disputes. Incidentally, could you move a little to your left? Just stand right where that "X" is painted on the floor. Thanks.
It is, of course, a well known fact that the "gimmick" is a universal invariant in all Six Feet Under opening scenes. Even last week's ostensibly gimmick-free entry could be considered gimmicky by the very nature of its gimmick-lessness-ess-ess-ess-ess. You know what I mean. But this week's opening sets an impressive new standard, giving us a trick disguised as a feint wrapped in a gimmick and stuffed into a sausage casing. We open in a nursing home, on the deathly still body of a patient. Is she the DGDJ? Is she dead already? Ha! That's just what they want you to think. A scientifically designed tracking shot reveals everything you ultimately need to know about this scene as we pan over to the room's other occupant, who whines incessantly about pretty much everything. For the sake of convenience, I'll just name these ladies now. You've got Edith "The Konstant Komplainer" Kirky, and Ramona "The Kwiet Killer" Kippleman. While Edith delivers her "woe is me" diatribe, we cut out into the hallway to reveal Vanessa and another nurse collecting lunch trays. Will Vanessa be the DGDJ? Is God going to deliver the ultimate "Shut up, Rico"? Sadly, no. Instead, Vanessa and her partner enter Room K, where Vanessa gently chides Ms. Kippleman for having eaten only the hot dog out of her entire lunch. The sudden sound of superfluous swearing from across the room is our first indicator that something is wrong, and we kwickly discover that The Konstant Komplainer is down for the kount. In her final klose-up, The Kwiet Killer gives us a single blink of the eyes, and as Foreshadowing swoops past in an X-Wing fighter, we finally fade to white. Farewell, Edith Kirky. You might not have been quirky, but at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that your death wasn't used as a product placement for Nathan's.
“ Taylor's bratty behavior is met with the unflinching calm of David's preternatural parenting skills. That is, at least, until Keith arrives and pours a big bucket of angry onto the proceedings. ”
Incidentally, lest anyone be koncerned that I'm stealing Gustave's special "K" gimmick, you should all know that Sars can attest to my fascination with said letter going all the way back to my original pitch to become a recapper. Of course, I also used that pitch to insult her last name, compare her and Wing Chun to Laverne and Shirley, and describe myself as being the "illicit and slightly deformed love child of Barbra Streisand and (a bald) Andre Agassi," so maybe that's not something to be proud of. And yet, she hired me anyway. Well, nobody's perfekt, I guess.
We fade back up on Loud & Taylor (tm carrabuda), where David and his new "daughter" are doing some clothes shopping in her closet. Taylor doesn't seem thrilled with the prospect of wearing green pants, but David, the fashion-forward gay man that he is, pleasantly informs her that they're actually "olive." As is normal for these two, Taylor's bratty behavior is met with the unflinching calm of David's preternatural parenting skills. That is, at least, until Keith arrives and pours a big bucket of angry onto the proceedings. Taylor stomps off to put on her olive pants, and the bickering begins right here in the Hostile Hostel (tm Fuck-Puppet). Keith wants to set some "serious boundaries" for the child, but David just wants everyone to remember how much trauma she's had to endure recently. He also wants to exposit that Keith's parents are coming to visit, and he nicely accomplishes both (while simultaneously strengthening his spine) by telling Keith not to take out his frustrations on Taylor or himself.
We continue our morning rounds at the Formaldehyde Fortress (tm sorkinhead, for the record), where Ruth is reading the paper. Am I the only one who finds it odd that this show maintains such excellent temporal continuity within each episode, and yet does things to time between shows that could make even Stephen Hawking jump up and run away in fear? Seriously, people. If it's morning in one scene, it's almost always the same morning in the , but if it's Christmas in one episode, it'll probably be Arbor Day by the time the week rolls around. Anyway, Claire comes downstairs, and is immediately greeted with concern from Ruth, who notes that it's already after nine o'clock. "Please let me sleep late," sighs Claire. "It's the last enjoyment I'll know before I become another cog in the wheel making mocha lattes for the people who have a life." "Don't you think that's a little dramatic?" inquires Mommie Drearest. Maybe, but would you rather be a cog in the wheel providing extensive written descriptions of television shows to people who have a life? I didn't think so. Ruth offers to make Claire something to eat, and while Foreshadowing accepts the offer and packs a Han Solo lunchbox, Claire points out that she's already grabbed some orange juice and an apple. "That's two of my daily servings of fruit recommended by the USDA," she says. Heh. I could never exceed my recommended daily allowance of Lauren. Ruth asks her daughter if she's depressed, and as Claire gets up to leave without answering, Mom calls out, "Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you don't blame it on me!" Hee!
The Liar and The Whore
“ Claire and DangerSlut are in the back, and despite the slight lesbian subtext that appears between them later on in the episode, there's nary a toe being sucked. ”
Downstairs, Nate is working at his desk when David finally arrives for work. Despite his prior admonition to Keith, David seems determined to take his own foul mood out on Nate this morning, but Nate informs him that he has to leave to go meet Brenda and The Hot Rabbi. "Are you thinking of converting?" wonders David. "Why not?" replies Nate. "I'm already circumcised." You know, there's probably an overgrown pubic hair joke in there somewhere, but for all our sakes, I'm just going to ignore it. Nate also hands over the paperwork on the DGDJ, explaining that she's a referral from Vanessa at the Bay Bridge nursing home. "Great," snarks David. "Another chance for Rico to act like we owe our whole livelihood to him." Heh. Can I get a "Shut up, Rico"? Amen. They're interrupted by some guy walking in and asking for "Nathaniel Fisher." After some "who's your daddy"-style confusion over who exactly "Nathaniel Fisher" might be, Nate finally accepts the package the guy wants to deliver. "Consider yourself served," says Subpoena Boy as he leaves. Incidentally, I know I've seen that guy somewhere before, so if anyone knows who he is, I'd love to hear it. In case it helps to jog your memory, I'll point out that he looks a lot like the illicit and slightly deformed love child of Jon Cryer and Adam Goldberg. Anyway, Nate reviews the legal documentation (which he should be getting pretty good at these days), and explains to David that the "wife of the guy who fell off the boat and got sliced up by the propeller" is suing them for emotional distress because Nate let her see the body. He also says "fuck" a few times, which is something else he's getting pretty good at.
Aww. It's The Lean, Green Corpse Machine. I've missed you, buddy-boy. Claire and DangerSlut are in the back, and despite the slight lesbian subtext that appears between them later on in the episode, there's nary a toe being sucked. Instead, they're passing a joint (POT = (∞ + 1)), and discussing the "nasty Chinese holistic herbs" that Aunt Sarah sent Claire for her birthday. And see what I mean about time, by the way? Apparently, we've skipped right over Claire's birthday. Or maybe everyone just forgot it. Which is a shame, because I could have done a whole Sixteen Candles thing. Anyway, DangerSlut quickly discovers that those "herbs" are actually 'shrooms, and tells Claire to blow off all of her plans for the day. "What's wrong with today?" wonders Claire. Well, apparently DangerSlut has a date with the school's vocational arts teacher, and, as she explains, "you can't fuck for shit when you're on 'shrooms." Heh. That gets special bonus points not only for being true, but also for use of the fanciful double expletive.
“ Brenda numbly admits that she has no idea how she's going to respond to this information. Well, I have no idea either, but I'm betting it's somehow going to involve her fucking another man. Or two, as the case may be. ”
Across town, Nate and Brenda have settled in for their first marriage counseling session with Rabbi Ari Intensowitz (tm babyfishfel). She delivers a long, drawn-out explanation of the counseling process, but I'm too enraptured with the idea of a sexy rabbi to pay much attention. All I can say is, if the rabbis had looked like that when I was in Sunday school, the Catholics wouldn't be the only ones getting grief right now, if you know what I mean, and I kinda hope you don't. Brenda, however, is nowhere near as taken with her as I am, and adopts a rather surly tone as she inquires about Ms. Intensowitz's own marital status. Rabbi Ari admits to being unmarried (but certainly not unloved), but then adds that she has "counseled many couples in [her] congregation, both before, during, and after marriage, and the one thing [she] can say without hesitation is that you cannot have a good marriage without honesty." "That kind of goes without saying," says Nate, and then it actually does go without saying, as we get a dream sequence featuring our protagonists wearing t-shirts that read "Liar" and "Whore." I'll let you figure out who gets which. "Are you completely honest with each other?" asks Rabbi Ari, and the scene ends as Nate and Brenda look uncomfortable.
Over at Nikolai's Flower Shop For The Emotionally Inaccessible And Recently Incapacitated, things are pretty much back to normal. Ruth remains needy, Nikolai is still grumpy, and Yuri keeps showing up to collect his money. Unfortunately, Yuri and Nikolai converse almost exclusively in Russian for this scene, and I have to admit that my Slavic language skills probably aren't what they should be. In fact, the only real Russian I know comes from web pages offering such timely gems as: Ya ne budu otvechat na voprosy bez predstavitelya Intourista. Somewhere, there's a former KGB agent giggling at that line. Anyway, Nikolai opens the register, and tries to hand over everything he has. Yuri, however, isn't interested in the petty cash. He fixes Nikolai with a stern glare, then intones, "Ah'll be back. Like Terminator, no?" Heh. And just so you know, I totally called that one.
Meanwhile, Nate and Brenda have retired to the temple sanctuary to discuss the lack of honesty in their impending marriage. Brenda actually goes so far as to rationalize all her lying as being as good thing, because "sometimes, truth is irrelevant." Whatever, Brenda. Nate just stares off into space during her little speech, but then he finally works up the courage to confess his dalliance with Lisa and the resultant pregnancy. We get a three-quarter profile shot of him as he speaks, and Peter Krause has the biggest Adam's apple I've ever seen on another human being. It bobs up and down like a Sunfish sailboat in a hurricane as Brenda numbly admits that she has no idea how she's going to respond to this information. Well, I have no idea either, but I'm betting it's somehow going to involve her fucking another man. Or two, as the case may be. With a disgusted groan, Brenda heaves herself out of the pew, leaving Nate alone with his hairy, rectangular guilt.
“ Barbs are exchanged, and then Nate wonders aloud if Mitzi really likes what she sees when she looks in the mirror at night. Ooh, good one, Nate. Why not just say her mother wears combat boots? ”
The following scene has been brought to you by the letter "K." Keith visits Karla at the jail, and they diskuss whether or not Taylor should go to live with Kersh or not. Karla doesn't want her daughter growing up in an abusive home like she did, and begs Keith not to allow it. Keith, however, seems to think it's a good idea. Not much else happens, so let's just move on.
Formaldehyde Fortress. David is vacuuming, and viewers across America (myself excepted) groan in dismay when he fails to break into song. Come to think of it, have we really had that many musical numbers this year? The only one I can remember off the top of my head is Nate's rock video, but I do tend to block those things out pretty quickly. Anyway, instead of a song and dance routine, we get Mitzi Dalton-Huntley, who's breezed on in to taunt the boys about the lawsuit they're dealing with. Barbs are exchanged, and then Nate wonders aloud if Mitzi really likes what she sees when she looks in the mirror at night. Ooh, good one, Nate. Why not just say her mother wears combat boots? Mitzi departs, but not before scoring a marginally better comeback with, "It's a crying shame that someone as cute as you has to be such a goddamn doom-and-gloomer."
Later, David and Nate beg Mommy for the money to pay off the suit, but Ruth can't help them. "The only time you two tell me what's going on in your lives is when you need money," she says. "If you had told me about this before, the money would have been there. Now it's gone. And the Russian mafia will be stopping by later on to pick up whatever might be left." The brothers are appalled by this news, with David pointing out that without her money, they're "seriously screwed." Meanwhile, Peter Krause does such a good job of portraying "seriously screwed" that he actually looks like he's got a five-hundred-pound man standing on his testicles. Behind them, we hear the door open, and Claire and DangerSlut walk in. They're clearly already tripping, and can barely manage a quick giggle before running upstairs. After a beat, Nate sighs, "I give up," and walks out of the room.
Woo hoo! We've finally made it to my favorite scene of the week. Not even a super-sexy rabbi can eclipse my love for a happy Lauren Ambrose. She and Parker run upstairs to Claire's room, then collapse on the bed, wondering what they should do with their time. As they consider the options, we get a nice little moment where they lean in towards each other, as if preparing to kiss. Sadly, you can't fuck for shit on 'shrooms, so they decide to sew something instead. Well, that sucks. But a boy can always dream, and you can be assured that I probably will. As Claire pulls a bin of fabric, or yarn, or whatever it is the domestically inclined use to make clothing, out from under her bed, she and DangerSlut reminisce about what life must have been like in the olden days. "People used to have make their own soap. Can you believe that?" asks Claire. "People used to have to, like, kill their own cows and stuff," answers Parker. "I really wish I could have been alive back then," says Claire, apparently forgetting that AOL was not one of the original thirteen colonies.