What can I say? You people are good. I asked for nicknames for Keith and David's new apartment, and I got no less than eight superlative suggestions. Either you're all incredibly clever and creative, or you've got too much free time on your hands. Given the recent posting explosion in the forums, I'd say it's probably the latter. But that's okay. I don't work all that hard at my day job, either. Of course, I also owe my friendly new stalker pikajew a major shout-out for winning the "Name All Fifty Recaps" contest, but I couldn't decide whether to make it a Pokémon reference or a Dust Bunny joke, so she'll just have to make do with a simple "pikajew rules!" And she does, you know. I should also take this time to throw out a profound and heartfelt apology to Strega for last week's recap, on the off chance that it prevents her from going through with whatever devious schemes for revenge I just know she's got planned.
Strega: Who me? Revenge? I would never.
Aaron: Yeah. Sure you wouldn't.
Strega: Please. I'm too evolved to engage in these petty little recapper disputes. Incidentally, could you move a little to your left? Just stand right where that "X" is painted on the floor. Thanks.
It is, of course, a well known fact that the "gimmick" is a universal invariant in all Six Feet Under opening scenes. Even last week's ostensibly gimmick-free entry could be considered gimmicky by the very nature of its gimmick-less…ness-ess-ess-ess-ess. You know what I mean. But this week's opening sets an impressive new standard, giving us a trick disguised as a feint wrapped in a gimmick and stuffed into a sausage casing. We open in a nursing home, on the deathly still body of a patient. Is she the DGDJ? Is she dead already? Ha! That's just what they want you to think. A scientifically designed tracking shot reveals everything you ultimately need to know about this scene as we pan over to the room's other occupant, who whines incessantly about pretty much everything. For the sake of convenience, I'll just name these ladies now. You've got Edith "The Konstant Komplainer" Kirky, and Ramona "The Kwiet Killer" Kippleman. While Edith delivers her "woe is me" diatribe, we cut out into the hallway to reveal Vanessa and another nurse collecting lunch trays. Will Vanessa be the DGDJ? Is God going to deliver the ultimate "Shut up, Rico"? Sadly, no. Instead, Vanessa and her partner enter Room K, where Vanessa gently chides Ms. Kippleman for having eaten only the hot dog out of her entire lunch. The sudden sound of superfluous swearing from across the room is our first indicator that something is wrong, and we kwickly discover that The Konstant Komplainer is down for the kount. In her final klose-up, The Kwiet Killer gives us a single blink of the eyes, and as Foreshadowing swoops past in an X-Wing fighter, we finally fade to white. Farewell, Edith Kirky. You might not have been quirky, but at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that your death wasn't used as a product placement for Nathan's.
Incidentally, lest anyone be koncerned that I'm stealing Gustave's special "K" gimmick, you should all know that Sars can attest to my fascination with said letter going all the way back to my original pitch to become a recapper. Of course, I also used that pitch to insult her last name, compare her and Wing Chun to Laverne and Shirley, and describe myself as being the "illicit and slightly deformed love child of Barbra Streisand and (a bald) Andre Agassi," so maybe that's not something to be proud of. And yet, she hired me anyway. Well, nobody's perfekt, I guess.
We fade back up on Loud & Taylor (tm carrabuda), where David and his new "daughter" are doing some clothes shopping in her closet. Taylor doesn't seem thrilled with the prospect of wearing green pants, but David, the fashion-forward gay man that he is, pleasantly informs her that they're actually "olive." As is normal for these two, Taylor's bratty behavior is met with the unflinching calm of David's preternatural parenting skills. That is, at least, until Keith arrives and pours a big bucket of angry onto the proceedings. Taylor stomps off to put on her olive pants, and the bickering begins right here in the Hostile Hostel (tm Fuck-Puppet). Keith wants to set some "serious boundaries" for the child, but David just wants everyone to remember how much trauma she's had to endure recently. He also wants to exposit that Keith's parents are coming to visit, and he nicely accomplishes both (while simultaneously strengthening his spine) by telling Keith not to take out his frustrations on Taylor or himself.
We continue our morning rounds at the Formaldehyde Fortress (tm sorkinhead, for the record), where Ruth is reading the paper. Am I the only one who finds it odd that this show maintains such excellent temporal continuity within each episode, and yet does things to time between shows that could make even Stephen Hawking jump up and run away in fear? Seriously, people. If it's morning in one scene, it's almost always the same morning in the , but if it's Christmas in one episode, it'll probably be Arbor Day by the time the week rolls around. Anyway, Claire comes downstairs, and is immediately greeted with concern from Ruth, who notes that it's already after nine o'clock. "Please let me sleep late," sighs Claire. "It's the last enjoyment I'll know before I become another cog in the wheel making mocha lattes for the people who have a life." "Don't you think that's a little dramatic?" inquires Mommie Drearest. Maybe, but would you rather be a cog in the wheel providing extensive written descriptions of television shows to people who have a life? I didn't think so. Ruth offers to make Claire something to eat, and while Foreshadowing accepts the offer and packs a Han Solo lunchbox, Claire points out that she's already grabbed some orange juice and an apple. "That's two of my daily servings of fruit recommended by the USDA," she says. Heh. I could never exceed my recommended daily allowance of Lauren. Ruth asks her daughter if she's depressed, and as Claire gets up to leave without answering, Mom calls out, "Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you don't blame it on me!" Hee!
Downstairs, Nate is working at his desk when David finally arrives for work. Despite his prior admonition to Keith, David seems determined to take his own foul mood out on Nate this morning, but Nate informs him that he has to leave to go meet Brenda and The Hot Rabbi. "Are you thinking of converting?" wonders David. "Why not?" replies Nate. "I'm already circumcised." You know, there's probably an overgrown pubic hair joke in there somewhere, but for all our sakes, I'm just going to ignore it. Nate also hands over the paperwork on the DGDJ, explaining that she's a referral from Vanessa at the Bay Bridge nursing home. "Great," snarks David. "Another chance for Rico to act like we owe our whole livelihood to him." Heh. Can I get a "Shut up, Rico"? Amen. They're interrupted by some guy walking in and asking for "Nathaniel Fisher." After some "who's your daddy"-style confusion over who exactly "Nathaniel Fisher" might be, Nate finally accepts the package the guy wants to deliver. "Consider yourself served," says Subpoena Boy as he leaves. Incidentally, I know I've seen that guy somewhere before, so if anyone knows who he is, I'd love to hear it. In case it helps to jog your memory, I'll point out that he looks a lot like the illicit and slightly deformed love child of Jon Cryer and Adam Goldberg. Anyway, Nate reviews the legal documentation (which he should be getting pretty good at these days), and explains to David that the "wife of the guy who fell off the boat and got sliced up by the propeller" is suing them for emotional distress because Nate let her see the body. He also says "fuck" a few times, which is something else he's getting pretty good at.
Aww. It's The Lean, Green Corpse Machine. I've missed you, buddy-boy. Claire and DangerSlut are in the back, and despite the slight lesbian subtext that appears between them later on in the episode, there's nary a toe being sucked. Instead, they're passing a joint (POT = (∞ + 1)), and discussing the "nasty Chinese holistic herbs" that Aunt Sarah sent Claire for her birthday. And see what I mean about time, by the way? Apparently, we've skipped right over Claire's birthday. Or maybe everyone just forgot it. Which is a shame, because I could have done a whole Sixteen Candles thing. Anyway, DangerSlut quickly discovers that those "herbs" are actually 'shrooms, and tells Claire to blow off all of her plans for the day. "What's wrong with today?" wonders Claire. Well, apparently DangerSlut has a date with the school's vocational arts teacher, and, as she explains, "you can't fuck for shit when you're on 'shrooms." Heh. That gets special bonus points not only for being true, but also for use of the fanciful double expletive.
Across town, Nate and Brenda have settled in for their first marriage counseling session with Rabbi Ari Intensowitz (tm babyfishfel). She delivers a long, drawn-out explanation of the counseling process, but I'm too enraptured with the idea of a sexy rabbi to pay much attention. All I can say is, if the rabbis had looked like that when I was in Sunday school, the Catholics wouldn't be the only ones getting grief right now, if you know what I mean, and I kinda hope you don't. Brenda, however, is nowhere near as taken with her as I am, and adopts a rather surly tone as she inquires about Ms. Intensowitz's own marital status. Rabbi Ari admits to being unmarried (but certainly not unloved), but then adds that she has "counseled many couples in [her] congregation, both before, during, and after marriage, and the one thing [she] can say without hesitation is that you cannot have a good marriage without honesty." "That kind of goes without saying," says Nate, and then it actually does go without saying, as we get a dream sequence featuring our protagonists wearing t-shirts that read "Liar" and "Whore." I'll let you figure out who gets which. "Are you completely honest with each other?" asks Rabbi Ari, and the scene ends as Nate and Brenda look uncomfortable.
Over at Nikolai's Flower Shop For The Emotionally Inaccessible And Recently Incapacitated, things are pretty much back to normal. Ruth remains needy, Nikolai is still grumpy, and Yuri keeps showing up to collect his money. Unfortunately, Yuri and Nikolai converse almost exclusively in Russian for this scene, and I have to admit that my Slavic language skills probably aren't what they should be. In fact, the only real Russian I know comes from web pages offering such timely gems as: Ya ne budu otvechat na voprosy bez predstavitelya Intourista. Somewhere, there's a former KGB agent giggling at that line. Anyway, Nikolai opens the register, and tries to hand over everything he has. Yuri, however, isn't interested in the petty cash. He fixes Nikolai with a stern glare, then intones, "Ah'll be back. Like Terminator, no?" Heh. And just so you know, I totally called that one.
Meanwhile, Nate and Brenda have retired to the temple sanctuary to discuss the lack of honesty in their impending marriage. Brenda actually goes so far as to rationalize all her lying as being as good thing, because "sometimes, truth is irrelevant." Whatever, Brenda. Nate just stares off into space during her little speech, but then he finally works up the courage to confess his dalliance with Lisa and the resultant pregnancy. We get a three-quarter profile shot of him as he speaks, and Peter Krause has the biggest Adam's apple I've ever seen on another human being. It bobs up and down like a Sunfish sailboat in a hurricane as Brenda numbly admits that she has no idea how she's going to respond to this information. Well, I have no idea either, but I'm betting it's somehow going to involve her fucking another man. Or two, as the case may be. With a disgusted groan, Brenda heaves herself out of the pew, leaving Nate alone with his hairy, rectangular guilt.
In a random lawyer's office somewhere, David waits to hear some information about the lawsuit. The Random Lawyer does some "wacky" "schtick" where he says "okay" a lot as he reads, and then he brusquely informs David that he thinks the Fishers are "more or less fucked." Oy. You know, I was going to keep track of the Fk coefficient again this week, but really, what's the point? Just assume that every other word out of every other person's mouth will be either "fuck," "shit," or a combination of the two, and you'll be fine. Random Lawyer also explains that he thinks the Fishers should settle out of court, and manages to do so without swearing more than once.
Afterwards, David runs into Nate outside the building. Nate apologizes for being late, saying that he's got "other things [he] has to deal with right now." "Yeah, I have a life, too," replies David. "I have a kid now, but at least I try to keep it separate from the business that you seem so hell-bent on flushing down the fucking toilet." Oooh. "Hell." I'll give that one points for variety. As David stomps off the exterior set they're using (which bears a suspicious resemblance to the exterior of Ruth's church), he shouts back, "We're fucked, Nate. And you fucked us." Well, fuck, David. You don't have to be so shitty about it.
Hmm. While Claire and DangerSlut are toking up in the Corpse Machine, Ruth is having a parent/counselor conference with George Needsaplotinthis. Mom is worried that her daughter is depressed, but George disagrees. In fact, he suggests that all Ruth needs to do to help Claire is pass along a brochure he found for a nearby arts college. No wonder this guy is a guidance counselor. He'd probably tell Jeffrey Dahmer's parents that the kid should go to a vocational school to learn how to repair refrigerators. Incidentally, he also thinks that Ruth may be the depressed one, which is an even more impressive diagnosis when you realize that this scene was less than a minute long.
Brenda's Everyone-Fucking Boudoir. She's on the phone, leaving a desperate message for someone about how badly she needs to talk. Let's see. Who could she be calling? Scrunchie? Trevor? We certainly know it isn't Nate. Finally she reveals that it's Billy she's trying to reach, and I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Except, of course, for the fact that she said just last week that she doesn't have his phone number.
Back at the Big Bad Sex Pad (tm mel no fi), David comes home to find Keith's father sitting in the living room. The Angry Dad is played by none other than James Pickens Jr. of X-Files fame, and in keeping with the Charles family's (and this recap's) kontinuing "K" fascination, I'll just be kalling him Kersh. Of kourse, the real problem here is that I keep wanting to kall the whole family Keith's Kooky Klan, but for obvious reasons, I kan't. David awkwardly reintroduces himself to Kersh and Mama Charles, and it's quickly made klear that Daddy quietly disapproves of his son's lifestyle. Finally Keith arrives to end the tension, and after Keith makes a point of giving David a big kiss for everyone to see, Kersh announces that he has something to discuss with his son. "We'd like to take Taylor home with us when we go back to San Diego," he says, before adding that it would be a permanent arrangement. David is instantly argumentative, but Keith wants to hear his father out. Kersh explains his reasoning, which basically konsists of the fact that they have a yard for "the child" to play in, and that he and Mama Charles can offer a bit more "stability" than Taylor might have there in Angry-La (tm carrabuda). Keith kaves kwickly, and David looks shocked.
Back at the Fortress, Nate is watching TV. Sadly, there're no talking hamsters. Hell, there aren't even any Teletubbies. But that's okay, because the ringing of the doorbell heralds an exponential increase in the quality of this scene. Nate opens the door to reveal Rabbi Ari, who has stopped by because she was "in the neighborhood," talking to talk to a congregant who wants to plan his own funeral. "What do you call that?" she asks. "A pre-need," replies Nate. Oh, I think we know who's got the "pre-need" here, don't you? She also asks Nate if he's feeling okay, and when he replies in the affirmative, she thinks for a minute before saying, "Okay, that's bullshit. I'm coming in, and you're going to offer me something to drink." Oooooh, she's spunky. Now I'm really in love.
Inside, she and Nate get comfortable on the couch while he unburdens his soul. After he admits to all the horrible things he lied to Brenda about, Ari asks him why he has so much trouble being honest with his fiancée. "I don't think it's particular to Brenda," sighs Nate, which prompts Ari to further inquire why he has trouble being honest with women in general. "I don't have any trouble being honest with you," he replies. Go Nate! Get your flirt on! Ari quickly backtracks, reminding him that she's a rabbi and thus "unavailable to [him], even in [his] wildest dreams." Now, I know a lot of people are turned off by her constant assertions that she and Nate can never be together, but the sad truth is that that's pretty much exactly how Jews really flirt. That's why I keep insisting I can't marry anyone from my love thread. The scene continues with Ari delivering some psychobabble about the nature of unintended consequences, but since no one is really interested in my thoughts on Talmudic law and its implications for the famed Schrödinger's Cat theorem, I won't bore you with details. On the other hand, Nate clearly has a thing for girls who go metaphysical, so maybe it's actually a very clever dating technique. Anyway, the scene ends with them holding hands, each secretly wishing that they could rip the other's clothes off. I swear, if Nate doesn't dump Brenda for this woman soon, I don't know what I'll do. Probably make fun of his hair some more, I guess. I mean, even sports writers think they should be together, for God's sake.
And while Nate is learning that once you go Jew, no others will do, Brenda sits alone in a donut shop, mulling the sad state of her life. Fade to white.
We fade back up on the Body Shop, where Rico is gloating about Vanessa's referral. David doesn't actually use the words "Shut up, Rico" here, but his meaning is pretty much the same. As he examines the body, however, Rico notices that something is amiss. After some brief C.S.I.-style exposition, he pulls out the corpse's dentures (ew), says "What the fuck?" (of course), and then uses a pair of forceps to extract an entire hot dog from the woman's throat (ew, ew, and furthermore, ew). David's expression is hilarious as Rico waves the hot dog right in front of his face. "Now you tell me," says our annoying little friend. "I don't think something this big just happened to go down the wrong way." Um, okay. Whatever you say there, Gil.
Upstairs, Claire and Ruth are enjoying another breakfast together. Claire asks for and receives permission to have Parker sleep over, and then wonders if Mommie Drearest has plans with Nikolai for the evening. "I think he's losing interest in me," confides Ruth. "He's been spending a lot of time alone lately." Claire points out that Nikolai just spent six weeks living on their couch and peeing in a bedpan, so it's reasonable to assume that he just needs some time on his own. "Guys need a lot of space," she asserts, which perhaps may explain why she never returns any of my calls. Faced with an obvious, if unappealing, explanation for the situation, Ruth chooses to do what she does best, which is blurt. "He doesn't know how to take care of himself, and he needs my help!" she shouts.
Whoops. Looks like Rabbi Ari really does know someone with a pre-need. Nate is meeting with a rather surly looking young man in a managed care facility, and at first I thought this guy was being played by Chris Weitz of Chuck & Buck (and American Pie) fame. It turns out, however, that he's actually Glenn Fitzgerald, a.k.a. Lonnie Schlichting from Flirting With Disaster. I guess The Late Nate must have recommended him for the gig. He's initially quite hostile towards Nate, because his terminal illness has made him "antisocial," but eventually he comes around and chats about his disease, largely because it's easier for the writers to draw parallels to Nate's anvilitis that way. If you're interested, Lonnie has pancreatic cancer, which is "one of the worst ones you can get." Apparently, it's caused by eating quail soaked in LSD, or something. Anyway, after a handful of brain shots, and a subtle indication that Lonnie likes "the good rabbi" just as much as I do, the scene comes to a close. I have to say that out of all the potential red-herring DGDJs the producers have dangled this season, Lonnie gets my vote as the most likely to die by gimmick sometime in the few weeks.
The Body Shop. A pair of cops interrogates Rico about how he discovered the hot dog, and I'm forced to admit that Rico actually made me laugh a little bit in this scene. Of course, he did so solely through the use of a hand gesture (while explaining how far down the woman's throat the hot dog was wedged), so "Shut up, Rico" still applies. The big news in this scene is that the cops know it was Vanessa who failed to find the frankfurter, and now Rico is forced to admit that she's his wife.
Nikolai's Flower Shop For The Foolishly Over-Informative. Ruth is working alone on some arrangements when Yuri walks in, demanding to see Nikolai. Ruth explains that he's out on a delivery, and then offers to pay off his debts herself. She actually has to make the offer three times before Yuri will admit that Nikolai owes eighty-seven thousand dollars. She's shocked by the amount, but nonetheless stands up to grab a duffel bag from behind the counter. Now it's Yuri's turn to be shocked, as Ruth starts pulling out wads of cash and stuffing them into a paper bag. "Nikolai is a very lucky man," he says as she hands over the money. He asks for her name, and she instantly replies, "Ruth. Ruth Fisher." Then she tells him her address, her ATM code, and even offers to write down her Social Security number for him. Well, not really, but she might as well have. Geez. You'd think the woman had never paid off the mafia before. Doesn't she at least watch The Sopranos? Where's that vaunted AOL Time Warner synergy when you really need it? Yuri turns to leave, but not before admitting that he would have taken a check instead of cash. Then he walks out, and heads down to the Pine Barrens to catch up with some old friends.
Cut to The Promiscuity Palace, where Brenda sits in her living room and fires up the biggest bong hit I've ever seen. For those of you in the forums wondering why she didn't clear the chamber, I can tell you it's because the gently billowing smoke in there makes for a cool shot as we hit a nice music cue and fade into a dream sequence. I mean, come on. Did you really believe the SFU staff would make such a major marijuana-related blunder? I don't think so. In the dream, Brenda is a little girl again, and she wanders into one of her parents' "lifestyle" parties. As young Brenda takes in the hookah on the table and half-naked couples macking all over the place, we hear Zhora's voice from off-screen, telling her to go back to bed. You know, it's a crying shame that we can only hear Ma and Pa Chenowith in this scene, because if there was ever going to be an opportunity for Joanna Cassidy to bust the old transparent raincoat out of the closet, this would have been it. Oh, well.
The following scene has been brought to you by the letter "K." Keith visits Karla at the jail, and they diskuss whether or not Taylor should go to live with Kersh or not. Karla doesn't want her daughter growing up in an abusive home like she did, and begs Keith not to allow it. Keith, however, seems to think it's a good idea. Not much else happens, so let's just move on.
Formaldehyde Fortress. David is vacuuming, and viewers across America (myself excepted) groan in dismay when he fails to break into song. Come to think of it, have we really had that many musical numbers this year? The only one I can remember off the top of my head is Nate's rock video, but I do tend to block those things out pretty quickly. Anyway, instead of a song and dance routine, we get Mitzi Dalton-Huntley, who's breezed on in to taunt the boys about the lawsuit they're dealing with. Barbs are exchanged, and then Nate wonders aloud if Mitzi really likes what she sees when she looks in the mirror at night. Ooh, good one, Nate. Why not just say her mother wears combat boots? Mitzi departs, but not before scoring a marginally better comeback with, "It's a crying shame that someone as cute as you has to be such a goddamn doom-and-gloomer."
Later, David and Nate beg Mommy for the money to pay off the suit, but Ruth can't help them. "The only time you two tell me what's going on in your lives is when you need money," she says. "If you had told me about this before, the money would have been there. Now it's gone. And the Russian mafia will be stopping by later on to pick up whatever might be left." The brothers are appalled by this news, with David pointing out that without her money, they're "seriously screwed." Meanwhile, Peter Krause does such a good job of portraying "seriously screwed" that he actually looks like he's got a five-hundred-pound man standing on his testicles. Behind them, we hear the door open, and Claire and DangerSlut walk in. They're clearly already tripping, and can barely manage a quick giggle before running upstairs. After a beat, Nate sighs, "I give up," and walks out of the room.
Woo hoo! We've finally made it to my favorite scene of the week. Not even a super-sexy rabbi can eclipse my love for a happy Lauren Ambrose. She and Parker run upstairs to Claire's room, then collapse on the bed, wondering what they should do with their time. As they consider the options, we get a nice little moment where they lean in towards each other, as if preparing to kiss. Sadly, you can't fuck for shit on 'shrooms, so they decide to sew something instead. Well, that sucks. But a boy can always dream, and you can be assured that I probably will. As Claire pulls a bin of fabric, or yarn, or whatever it is the domestically inclined use to make clothing, out from under her bed, she and DangerSlut reminisce about what life must have been like in the olden days. "People used to have make their own soap. Can you believe that?" asks Claire. "People used to have to, like, kill their own cows and stuff," answers Parker. "I really wish I could have been alive back then," says Claire, apparently forgetting that AOL was not one of the original thirteen colonies.
Downstairs, Nate tries to call Brenda, but gets her answering machine. He hangs up without leaving a message.
Meanwhile, David has gone to meet with Harriet Sansom Harris, a.k.a. the ex-Widow DJ who's suing them. Since we're getting close to the end of another season, it must be time once again for David to deliver yet another of his steely monologues in the face of a threat to the Fisher Family. He chews the woman out for blaming Fisher & Sons for the fact that her husband used to beat her, and basically does everything short of calling her a "spineless, candy-ass corporate fuck." Suitably chastened, Ms. Harris shreds both the lawsuit and my suspension of disbelief in a single gesture, bringing the scene (and the entire plot point) to a rousing, if unbelievable, conclusion.
While smoking some more pot on The Promiscuity Palace's front porch, Brenda is approached by a couple of neighborhood kids who look to be in their early twenties. To make things easier for everyone, I've dubbed them Beavis and Buttfuck. "Yo!" says Beavis. "Spare a joint?" asks Buttfuck. Brenda considers them for a moment, and then stands up without a word and heads inside, taking off her shirt as she goes. The boys look at each other for a moment, unsure if they're really seeing what they think they're seeing, then follow her in.
The Ironic Segue Fairy shows up to cut us over to the Freudian jackhammer motion of a sewing machine needle, as Claire works feverishly to assemble a pair of pants. Meanwhile, DangerSlut is trying on her new halter top and talking to the mirror. "You looking at my tits?" she asks. "I'm talking to you. Yeah, you. You looking at my tits?" Do I even need to say it? Everyone is looking at your tits, for God's sake. That's why we call you DangerSlut. Claire holds up the completed pants, and they're a hideous collection of various different fabrics, with the added bonus of being covered in little bells. "So when you walk, it makes music," she says, before launching into a long, drug-induced rant about how the problem with the world is that no one takes the time to be creative in every single thing they do. "Martha Stewart does," replies Parker, and my chortling is interrupted by Ruth, who's brought some sandwiches for the girls. DangerSlut isn't even the least bit hungry, but Claire is too stoned to maintain her sullen façade. "We'll eat them later," she says, before offering the musical pants to her mother. Ruth is taken aback by the gift, and even more surprised when Claire leaps into her bosom and gushes, "I love you, Mom. I never tell how you much, because I'm afraid to for some reason, but right now I just want you to know that I love you and think you're so beautiful." Heh. Only on Six Feet Under would 'shrooms bring a mother and daughter closer together. Well, maybe also on America Undercover, but it's definitely an HBO-only phenomenon.
And I do hope you kids have been paying close attention this week. Remember, drugs are good. Sex is bad. As proof, we cut back to Brenda and her stoner buddies. Whether or not Buttfuck is actually living up to his name in this shot remains undetermined, but Beavis is toking up a joint, and Brenda looks like she's dead. Is everyone involved with this show frigid? Seriously. I've never seen a group of people who seem to enjoy sex less. And it's not just Brenda and her self-destructive behavior. There hasn't been a healthy, affection-based sex scene all season. In fact, the only person who seemed to be enjoying himself was the Little White Sex Dork, and he got his ass dumped for his troubles. Anyway, while Buttfuck thrusts away, Brenda visualizes her younger self, seated on the bedroom's Window Ledge Of Emotional Redemption.
Speaking of bad sex, we now get another scene of David and Keith arguing in bedroom of the International House of Mancakes (tm DslainteC). This serves to further highlight the fact that these two apparently haven't had sex in weeks, and the last time they did, it was on the floor after putting the groceries away. So either my reading of the inter-episode timeline is wrong (again), or the strain of living together and parenting a child has worn away all the magic in their relationship. Or maybe Keith has just been too much of an asshole lately. Either way, they're arguing over whether or not they should keep Taylor or send her off with Kersh. David wants her to stay, and variously accuses Keith of being a pushover, being ambivalent about having kids, and being more specifically ambivalent about having kids with David himself. Keith denies it all, and sticks to his assertion that Kersh has more time to kare for Taylor. "As much as I hate it when you treat me like a doormat," says David, "it's even worse seeing your father treat you like one." "You think I treat you like a doormat?" asks Keith. Do I even have to say it? Yes, Keith, we do. And David agrees.
From David and Keith lying side-by-side in their Doormat-ory (tm JuniperBerry), we now cut to Beavis and Buttfuck, doing the exact same thing. Brenda is over on her window ledge, and she wants them both to get out. Now. "Okay then," says Beavis. "Um, can I get your number?" asks Buttfuck. Brenda shoots him down, and the boys walk out, muttering, "Heh heh. Sex is cool," as they go. Fade to white.
Rico's house. Since there doesn't seem to be any illicit gay sex going on in the living room, my interest in this scene has waned dramatically. All you need to know is that the renovations are apparently finished, Vanessa has lost her job at the nursing home, and they only swore twice the entire time.
At the Fortress, it's time for our third and final Ruth/Claire breakfast encounter. Claire seems to be suffering from a bit of a hangover, whereas Ruth is chipper and cheerful in her lavender blouse and jingly musical pants. There's some back and forth over whether or not the pants are hideously ugly or merely representative of a daughter's love for her mother, and the whole thing culminates with Ruth blurting, "I may just wear these pants until the day I die!" "Please don't," mutters Claire. She also wonders what ever could have made her think she was an artist, so of course Ruth takes that as an opportunity to hand over the arts college brochure she got from George Stillhasonemoresceneinthis. "I think you have real talent," says Ruth. "But go ahead and throw it away if that's what you're set on doing."
Crate & Quarrel (tm rupertpupkin). The Charles family (plus David) is gathered around the table for a meal. After some extended silence, Keith asks Taylor to go to her room so the adults can talk. Keith kalmly explains that Taylor will be staying in Der Kampf Haus (tm BostonSFUfanatic) with them, and Kersh flips out, threatening to hit Keith for his insubordination. "Do it," says the Big Black Sex Son. "I dare you." Kersh gets that look on his face like when Mulder starts talking about alien abductions or whatever, and actually has to get up and leave the table. David, meanwhile, stares at Keith with the sort of admiration that's usually accompanied by a halo shot.
Nikolai's Flower Shop For Lovable Tertiary Characters. Nikolai insists that he could have handled the situation with Yuri, and storms off in a huff after calling Ruth a "stupid woman." Robbie, of course, immediately wants the scoop on what's going on, and Ruth explains that she paid off a debt for the boss, without mentioning who the debt was to. "You can't be trying to fix other people's problems without them asking," insists Robbie. Um, isn't he the guy that dragged Ruth to The Plan? Just asking. Anyway, he tells Ruth that she's too "co-ey," (meaning co-dependent), and she blurts out that she hates "that word." What word? "Co-ey"? Because I hate that word too. It tries, but it's no "cremains."
At school, Claire is explaining to George Staresathertits that she feels bad about treating her mother so poorly sometimes. "She means well," she explains. "She's just…so clueless, and, like, embarrassing." George confirms my suspicion that everyone is embarrassed by their parents, a fact I feel safe revealing because I know there's no way either of mine could ever make it all the way to page fifteen of a recap. Claire also notices that the awful fake picture of George and his girlfriend is gone, and George confesses that the two have broken up. This leads to some more "sexual" "tension" between the two, as neither of them can decide what to talk about for the last ten minutes of the session.
And finally, we return to the Fortress, where Mom is once again sitting at the kitchen table. This time it's night, and Nate comes downstairs to get a snack. The conversation quickly turns to the impending wedding, but Nate sadly admits that there might not be a wedding after all. Ruth, the loving mother that she is, instantly places the blame on Brenda. Her son, however, explains that he's the one who fucked up, and that now he'll "just have to live with it." Much like she did with Claire, Mom offers to make him something to eat, and gives a satisfied little smile when he asks for a grilled cheese sandwich. Mmm. Grilled cheese. I'll be right back.
Unfortunately for Nate, however, he doesn't get to eat his sandwich, because the doorbell is ringing. He heads downstairs to answer it, and my expectations are piqued, thinking it might be Rabbi Ari. But alas, it's merely Brenda, and they step into the empty casket room to talk. "People make mistakes," she says, raising my expectations again by tricking me into thinking that she's going to confess her own sins. But alas, she merely says that she can't afford to lose him. "As fucked as you are," she tells him, "you are the sanest thing in my life." And while that may be true, it certainly isn't the whole truth. She tells him she loves him; he stares over her shoulder, and the impending fade to white, makes it clear that the whole truth will have to wait another week. Or possibly three, what with the scheduled pre-emption on the 26th. Either way, Nate's whole life has been leading up to this, and people are dying to find out who he'll end up with. Feel free to click here to register your own feelings on the subject, and I'll meet you all back here week.