Hi, it’s me, Gustave. Yeah, Gustave. I’m your new recapper because Aaron is, um, "suffering from dehydration" and is hanging out at this, um, "resort" with AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Robert Downey Jr., and Paula Poundstone.
I know what you’re all thinking. You’re all used to an Aaron recap, the same way you could only eat Spaghettios on your special bunny plate when you were a kid. Or the way you had your favorite babysitter. Aaron is like the bubbly high school freshman who’d read to you from VC Andrews novels and let you stay up late and watch Cinemax movies, just as long as you didn’t tell Mom that her 32-year-old tattooed boyfriend came over to make out. I’m like the blue-haired lady the agency sent with bad breath who made you watch PBS, sent you to bed on your official bedtime, and gave you enemas. Well, guess what, kids. Aaron found out he could make more money folding sweaters at the Limited where he’d have a nice employee discount too. I’m your new babysitter, and I’m not going anywhere because I’ve got arthritis and the library won’t hire me back after the Judy Blume "cleansing" incident.
But seriously, folks, Aaron is only away for this week, so you’ll only have to put up with my unfamiliar recapping style once. I’m not too familiar with the traditional vocabulary, so I’m using some of my own. And I tried to work in an Aaron-style hypothetical dialogue sequence, but I found I couldn’t compete. Oh, and this recap is dedicated to the fine folks at Kiehl’s. I think we all know why.
Okay, so first it’s like we’re watching a home video. We see a grainy shot of a young army private in camouflage fatigues standing in his barrack tent in front of the camera. He adjusts the camera until he’s sure he’s in the frame and then starts talking to the camera. It’s a video letter to his parents. But when you’re not paying too much attention, it looks like amateur porn -- you know, with that military thing going on. Furthermore, the guy looks like a younger version of David…or at least that’s my impression. So anyway, he explains to his parents excitedly that he’s got all this responsibility as an army private, and how important it is to keep all their mechanisms clean because of all the sand blowing around. Helicopters blare in the background. His mischievous but hunky friends interrupt his video message -- one of them is a bald black guy (a Keith stand-in?) who kisses him, but in a manly drunken way. I mean, I know that not every single bald black guy looks like Keith and this guy is no exception, but I wonder if someone else wanted us to make that connection. Private Young Bottom explains amid the growing din that he can’t tell them much about what they’re doing, but soon their unit will get into the thick of things. He’s interrupted again by two more privates, one of whom moons the camera. And unfortunately it’s the least hunky of the four. EMF’s Unbelievable plays in the background. Hey, didn’t Unbelievable come out AFTER the Gulf War? So as Private Young Bottom goes on about what a great opportunity the army is for him and how it’s changed his life -- which apparently wasn’t so action-filled to begin with -- the camera pulls back to reveal that this video is being watched by a not-so-young-looking Private Young Bottom from a hospital bed. And from the tubes in his nose and the dejected expression on his face, I’m guessing that things didn’t work out so well for Private Young Bottom, whose name turns out to be Victor Kovitch. Like, nice rip-off of Ron Kovic’s name from Born on the Fourth of July. Victor’s older brother, a hotheaded balding guy, appears in his room with "the latest South Park" on video. Private Old Bottom closes his eyes, and the screen goes black. This week’s Le Morte de la Semaine is Victor Wayne Kovitch, PFC, October 20, 1971 to March 21, 2001. What? No sexually provocative last words or wacky senseless accidents? Just a Gulf War Syndrome PSA? Damn!
Nate "Rectangle Head" Fisher is lying in bed. His beeper goes off. He curses David and checks the time on his beeper to see how much time he has to get up and have public sex with Brenda the Blunt. Brenda enters, wearing some Amish-modern outfit complete with headscarf, a peach long-sleeved T-shirt, and baggy drawstring pants. I take it this is her Shiatsu uniform, since every Shiatsu person I have ever met has literally been wearing this exact outfit whenever I’d meet them. I’m serious. Even the guys. "I had the weirdest dream last night," she intones while standing in the doorway. "This guy comes into my house at 4 AM, he climbs into my bed, but instead of having his way with me, he just passes out." Brenda? I’m going to venture a theory here. Maybe Rectangle Head was simply too tired to fuck you after having had public sex with you three times earlier that day. Or maybe he saw no point in wasting a perfectly good orgasm on you while no one was watching. But Brenda doesn’t see it that way. She thinks Nate is suffering from repressed anger, according to her observations of his jerky behavior while sleeping. Rectangle Head offers exposure to formaldehyde as the source of the problem. Brenda offers him coffee. You know, because the sooner the caffeine wakes him up, the sooner they can drive somewhere public and have sex. He wants the coffee so she jumps up to make it, but not without kissing his crotch through his pants first.
Rectangle Head calls David from the phone in Brenda’s kitchen and tells him that he can’t pick up another body. He’s been too busy lately, and he only got four hours of sleep last night. "Plus," says RH, "I’m tired of getting the shitty jobs that you don’t want." They cut to David, or, rather, the draining corpse on David’s table, back at the Formaldehyde Fortress. So much for "shitty jobs," huh? David explains that Nate has to collect the bodies instead of prepare the corpses, because he’s not a licensed funeral director yet. Rectangle exposits that he’s taking the test in a week, and asks David how he’s going to study on only four hours of sleep a night. "Coffee and diet pills worked for me," deadpans David. Hee! David goes on to explain that he can’t pick the new body up himself because he’s got a deacon’s meeting. Oh, are we still working that plotline? Thrillsville. Nate complains that the last time he picked up a body from a nursing home, the roommate didn’t even know about the death. He had to tell her. Brenda overhears this and laughs while she makes breakfast. "Just be glad we have the business," says David. They hang up, and Brenda puts some food item into Rectangle's mouth. God forbid they should do anything together that isn’t foreplay…like the act of eating. They kiss, but Brenda pulls away. Not public enough for you, Brenda? Rectangle Head realizes that he smells like a corpse, and apologizes. Brenda points out that he doesn’t smell so bad, but his life "stinks." She orders him to take a vacation. Oh, and then they have this conversation where he refers to her as his girlfriend. They both pause at that weird word, and Nate corrects himself and proclaims her to be his "mistress." "Well, then, you better be buying me a lot more shit, Mistah," says Brenda all gangster-mollish. "I love you," says Nate, swooping in for a grope. They both freak at the implications of that statement. They both have intimacy issues. We get it. Nate changes the subject and tells Brenda he’ll tell David to fuck off and take a vacation with her at some spa where you sit around in hot mud. "If we leave Friday, we can be naked for two whole days," says Nate. Brenda agrees, even though she’ll have to cancel with some clients.
Breakfast at the Fisher household. Since David got up early to sew up a corpse, Claire "Sullen Girl" Fisher and Ruth "Morticia Ingalls" Fisher are alone in the kitchen. Sullen Girl sips coffee and reads Don Juan by Carlos Castenada. Okay, please be referring to Carlos Castanedain an ironic way and not as evidence of Claire’s emerging spirituality. I said please? Okay, clearly no one is listening to me. Morticia Ingalls looks over Claire’s shoulder. Claire points out that she’s hovering. Mommie Drearest shrinks back. She fidgets with something on the kitchen counter and tells Claire that someone is coming over for dinner tonight. Claire is all, "Okay." Morticia Ingalls clutches her coffee cup to her chest anxiously and tells Claire that she wants her to be nice to the guest. Hmm -- just a stab in the dark here, but could Morticia be nervous about the effect her guest could have on the family? I’m just guessing. Claire obviously shares a brain with me, because she puts her book down and asks if Ed Begley Jr. is the guest in question. Mommie Drearest snaps back an affirmation. Claire smirks into her coffee. And it would be really nice if they just ended the scene there, but they don’t. So Claire has to smirk into her coffee again, only this time it’s a much harder smirk in case the ironically challenged didn’t get it the first time. And then they end the scene.
Church of the Poison Mind. A bunch of church people are having a meeting. Father Jack (Friar Prissy) exposits that they’re looking for a new priest. Apparently the search committee is split evenly over a candidate, and David has the deciding vote. Yeah, that always happens, doesn’t it? You join a church one day, and the day you’re making really important decisions for them. Oh, and churches are always run democratically like that. The group wants to vote immediately, but David, who is being all Brandon on for some reason, says that he wants to meet with the candidate himself and make an "informed opinion." "Is this the way it works, Jack?" a crusty old church trustee asks Friar Prissy. "You bring in the new generation deacon and the deacon brings in the radical new priest you want?" Friar Prissy crosses his arms and cocks his head to the side. David assures Crusty Church Trustee that there’s no "agenda." Progressive Church Lady gets into it with Crusty. Wow, there’s a power struggle at a local church. And David is in the middle of it. How fascinating. I guess we’re not going to be seeing much gay sex this week.
And speaking of Gay Sex, as in the opposite of Straight Sex, Brenda and Nate are having some of the latter in Brenda’s bedroom. But I guess they’re making the privacy tolerable by having the bedroom door lie wide open so that conceivably anyone could walk in. Billy walks in. Oh, good. For a moment I thought they’d actually have to share a special moment with no one but themselves. Brenda finally notices him. I think she always looks over her shoulder when she’s having sex. You know, to check the lighting and make sure that the batteries in the video camera haven’t run out. She jumps up and yells at Billy for not calling before he came over. Yeah, Billy, you missed the foreplay and that nifty thing they were doing with ice cubes and a Dustbuster. You better thank your lucky stars they taped it for you. Billy takes it in stride and refuses to leave the room, explaining that he left his cell phone at home and was out biking down the boardwalk. "Oh, Bren," says Billy. "I got some amazing shots of some hookers on Sunset I want to show you." Oh yeah, hooker pictures. You know how just about every high school student who gets a Nikon and gets it into their heads to be an important photographer will go photograph hookers. Or, if they’re not that edgy, they might settle for homeless people. I swear to God. These local photography contests? The grand prize always goes to goes to a picture of a homeless woman sleeping on a subway grate in front of some really vulgar symbol of capitalism like a pricey jewelry store, and the first runner-up is always some grainy black-and-white hooker picture. "I think they’re really good," says Billy, swaggering out of the room. Nate and Brenda heave a sigh of frustration and relief. "Well," says Brenda by way of explanation. "Your mom walked in on us once. I guess we’re even." Um, actually, Brenda, Nate’s mom walked in on you guys because you were getting some south-of-the-border loving in her living room. It’s not exactly the same thing. Oh, and I just wanted to point out that I really like Brenda’s sheets. And her Noguchi Pendant Lamp from www.dwr.com.
Oh wait, Brenda’s got another Noguchi lamp in her living room. This one is the bigger one. I believe it’s the Akari Freeform Column Floor Lamp. I was thinking of buying one earlier this year when I got my tax refund. I thought it would be perfect for those lazy summer days spent in my living room looking at art photos of hookers with my bipolar, emotionally incestuous brother. Apparently Brenda and I share a brain, because there she is après shower in her robe, checking out Billy’s hookerography. "This chick has seen the worst that life has to offer!" says Billy about one of his subjects. "Billy," says Brenda. "These are incredible!" Billy points out a tumor on the subject’s neck. "You just know there is some freak for whom that is a big turn-on!" adds Billy. 'Cause now that he photographed a hooker with a zoom lens, he knows enough about the seedy underbelly of the streets to explain these deviations to Brenda. "I love the Bank of America in the background!" gushes Brenda. Yes -- ironic, isn’t it, that hookers have checking accounts and ATM access just like anyone else who works for a living and earns money. Nate enters and tells Brenda he has to go to work. Billy makes a crack about bringing out the dead. Nate ignores him and kisses Brenda goodbye, reminding her to cancel her Saturday appointments. Why do I get the feeling that this trip isn’t going to go as planned? Billy asks Brenda what she’s doing Saturday. Brenda lies and claims that they’ve got a date to go buy cacti. And yes, Brenda would have to go buy a phallic plant, wouldn’t she?
Back home, Nate walks in and calls out for David. Surprise, surprise -- David’s with a customer, and Nate doesn’t realize that they're not alone, so he makes an inappropriate remark about a car accident he just witnessed that might provide business for Fisher & Sons. David’s always with a customer when something tasteless is said. Just like Brenda and Nate are always having sex when someone walks in on them. David’s visitor turns out to be the bald hotheaded older brother of the corpse of the week. Nate recognizes him from high school, because apparently he was a big wrestling star. He saves the day by bonding with him about the good old days when Kovitch was a young jock who got laid all the time. Only I’ll bet he didn’t have as much public sex as Nate is having now. Kovitch makes a bitter crack about the prices of coffins. David tries to smooth things over, but Kovitch tells him to shove it. "I buried my parents, and no offense, but I hate you guys and I hate what you do." Oh, I sense a job for Dr. Fisher Feelgood. Gee, do you think this broken man will develop a perspective on life thanks to the Fisher boys before the hour is up? And do you think this will relate somehow to David’s struggle to come out of the closet? The suspense is killing me! Anyway, Kovitch wants a simple cremation and no service. He’ll drive the ashes up to where his mother is buried and let them blow away. Nate looks over David’s shoulder and sees (somehow) that Private Young Bottom was in the military and is entitled to some death benefits. Kovitch nixes that idea. Private Young Bottom hated the army. Barely choking back the tears, Kovitch exposits the circumstances of PYB’s death. He was stationed in the Iraqi desert, and there were all these chemicals. When he came back home, he developed lung cancer at the age of 29. "Still, no one will say the words ‘Gulf War Syndrome,’" says Kovitch, while Dave and Nate do the ordained "look down thoughtfully." "So fuck the army!" says Kovitch. "Let them keep their benefits!" He leaves to go tend to his father, who has Alzheimer’s. On his way out, David makes sure he doesn’t want a proper coffin. "A paper sack will do just fine," says Kovitch, exiting.
David moans about the meager price of the funeral. "That guy was the shit when we were in high school," says Nate. "I never even knew he had a brother." David tells him that he’ll meet the brother soon enough…when he goes to pick up his body at the VA hospital. Nate tells David that actually he’s planning to take a couple days off. David forbids it, and Nate tells him that he has no authority to tell him what to do. David explains, rightfully, that they need all the business they can get and he hasn’t had a couple of days off in ages. "You’re willing to live like that," says Nate. "I’m not." Actually, Nate, since your brother has been working his ass off for this company while you were getting laid up north and inherited 50 percent of the company anyway, you need to suck it up. They bicker their way into the kitchen, where Morticia Ingalls is scrubbing something. She interrupts them to tell them that Ed Begley Jr. is coming over for dinner. "Wouldn’t a restaurant be better? This is our home," says David. Um, David? Where was this "home" lecture while Nate and Brenda were having oral sex in the living room? "This is my home!" asserts Morticia Ingalls. Nate realizes aloud with a smirk that Ed Begley is "camping guy," and asks if he can bring Brenda. I guess that’s because Ed Begley is one of the final remaining cast members who hasn't yet seen Brenda and Nate have sex, so it’s important to get that out of the way while there’s an opportunity. Morticia doesn’t answer the question, instead going off on a rant about Ed Begley being a highly acclaimed chef while she defiantly rips off her apron. "He gave it all up to become a hairdresser," she says, her voice starting to break. "And he’s NEVER BEEN HAPPIER." She stomps off, pushing in one of the breakfast chairs with her butt. Isn’t it funny when menopausal women push stuff around with their butts? I’m sure David E. Kelley’s kicking himself right now for not making Betty White do that first.
Claire’s algebra class. She’s still reading Carlos Castaneda with a far-off expression on her face. I’m sure, because this is a TV show, that this means that she’s considering her spiritual options, but when I was in high school and someone was reading Carlos Castaneda with a far-off look on her face, she were probably thinking, "I wonder where I can lay my hands on that peyote that Carlos keeps talking about. Maybe my older brother who studies biochemistry at Arizona State could hook me up?" Anyway, the algebra teacher is passionately explaining an equation to the class, but no one is paying attention. I have to say here in all seriousness that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a math class on TV where the teacher was explaining an algebra equation authentically and actually made me believe that she understood what she was talking about. She even has that weary tone in her voice that every math teacher I’ve ever known has had that says, "Okay, I know none of you are listening to me, but could you at least pretend?" I love this math teacher and wish she had taught at my high school. But I was a weird teenager. I really liked math. Anyway, the teacher notices that Claire in particular is not paying attention, and she calls on her to explain the equation. Claire answers all defiantly that she can’t. The math teacher tells her that if she were paying attention and not reading, she’d understand the equation. Meanwhile, if this were my high school, I’d be sitting in the back raising my hand and yelling, "Combine the two binomials! Oh and by the way, Mrs. Davidson, is that turtleneck from Banana Republic? I was thinking of getting the same one but in ‘fern.’ The ‘smoke’ looks good on you but I don’t think I’d be able to carry it off with my skin tone." As I said, I was a weird teenager. Claire uses that tired excuse about how she’s not going to need algebra as an adult. Gee, Claire, I guess we should all just be able to opt out of math as teenagers and make the US educational system even more of a joke than it is now. And stop giving your teacher shit. These people are doing a valuable service for you and they get no money and no respect, so drop the attitude. The teacher argues, rightfully, that math is good for training your mind to handle complex logical issues. "You think the world runs on logic?" asks Claire. Oh, shut up, Sullen Girl! The teacher tells her to stay after class. Claire has a David E. Kelley moment where she imagines that she has magic powers to make her teacher spontaneously combust. Claire laughs at her own sick thoughts, and two girls in front of her turn around to shoot the stink-eye at Claire and give each other that "what’s her problem?" look.
Okay, remember the lusty Russian florist from last week? The one that checked out Morticia Ingalls in a really harmless charming way, which sent her screaming into her house as if she was having a post-traumatic stress disorder attack? I would just like to say here that every menopausal woman I know who still gets hit on, grieving widow or not, would not be acting like Sibyl’s mom just whipped out the enema bag when asked on a date. They would walk slowly back inside, giving lusty Russian Florist good long look at their asses, and then go call up fourteen of her friends to rehash the whole experience. An old lady might not give it up for every man who flirts with her, but it’s not like she minds the attention. So look who turns up at Lusty Florist’s shop? It’s Morticia. Lusty Florist is on the phone with a customer. He tells the customer that his shop "doesn’t hef website," and that potential buyers need to come in to see the merchandise. This is obviously to show us that Lusty Florist isn’t hip to the new, now, and wow and needs to learn to love his customer. Morticia has come to return some vases for recycling. Lusty Florist’s face brightens when he sees her. He takes the vases from her and thanks her profusely. Morticia brushes off the compliment and more flirtatious behavior and, referring to the "Help Wanted" sign in the window, applies for a job. She explains that, unlike him, she has thirty years experience helping people and showing them "respect." Lusty Florist says he "hef respect" for his customers too. Morticia disagrees with him, calling him "pompous and arrogant." She argues that she knows about flowers and that she could help him build a proper business. "And if you don’t think so, you can fire me." How gutsy of her to just walk in and demand a job. Didn’t Julia Roberts win an Oscar doing just that?
So Father Clark, the new "radiKal" priest, meets with David in the Church of the Poison Mind. They don’t sit down or anything, but walk along the center aisles of the church pews and chat. Father RadiKal outlines his plan for making "changes." "This is one of those congregations that thinks that going to church once a week absolves them of all moral responsibility and they can ignore the plight of others," he tells David, oblivious to the fact that job interviews are not good times to bash the place where you want a job…yes, even if that job you’re applying for is a priesthood. David defends his church and points out that they have a homeless outreach. "Don’t get me wrong," says Father RadiKal, his eyes ablaze with zealousness. "They’re good people, they’re just lazy." Gee, Father RadiKal, when can you start? Father RadiKal goes on to talk about how Jesus was a revolutionary who was "assassinated" for political purposes, and how God doesn’t want "complacency" from his worshippers. This all leads up to the fact that he wants to teach the parish tolerance for homosexuals and black people. David asks Father RadiKal why he’s being so honest with him. "Because I can tell that right and wrong matter to you," says Father RadiKal. Which I guess is job-interview-speak for, "You look like a pious closet case who likes to get nasty with muscular black guys." Oh, and he mentions his dead wife, so you can tell that he’s straight and cool.
Nate enters the Body Shop with Private Young Bottom’s body, and gets bitched at by Rico about the fact that Rico has to cover for him this weekend. Nate tells him to calm down, and hypothesizes that there most likely won’t be that much work this weekend. Rico disagrees, and makes a remark about how the business will never be known as "Fisher & Sons & Diaz." They wheel Private Young Bottom over to Rico’s table. Nate tells him it’s just a direct cremation, no embalming. Rico whines that they shouldn’t just "burn people like they’re garbage" and pulls off the sheet. Attached to the corpse of Private Young Bottom are his medals and a bunch of files. Nate pores through the files -- one of them has garbage stuck to it -- and discovers Private Young Bottom’s application for burial at the National Cemetery. They realize that PYB didn’t want to be cremated. Rico vows to make him look just like the picture of him when he was a twenty-something private.
Claire is in her guidance counselor’s office. I guess they pulled her in for an intervention because of her dismissive attitude about math. Jeez, this school must have quite a well-adjusted student body if the guidance counselors are considering Claire troubled for trying the "I will never use algebra" excuse. The actor, who played Nurse Dan on Popular, is her cute and compassionate guidance counselor…except for the cute part. He warns her that she needs math for college. Claire rages at him about being shoved through a system that encourages one to "go to a good college and get a job so you can be a good consumer until you drop dead of exhaustion." Um, Claire? Do you have a better idea for your adulthood? Or do those forty-year-olds who still live at home and work at the 7-11 have a more enlightened approach to life? "I just want something to matter!" she declares. Poor Man’s Palladino recommends the "Sierra Crossroads Program" to her. Which I guess is some self-awareness experience in the same vein as Outward Bound. "I want to see good things happen for you, and I know you can," says Poor Man’s Palladino. Yeah, that’s right. Drop her off in the woods somewhere far away so we don’t have to hear her whine anymore. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Nate goes back to the VA hospital where Private Young Bottom was a patient. Because as stressed out as Nate is, he can still find time to stick his nose into the life of a dead person who he doesn’t even know, so he can supercede the wishes of the dead guy’s closest relation. Some slightly queeny orderly that knew Private Young Bottom gives all the exposition you’ll ever need about this dumb plotline. Apparently, Private Young Bottom loved the army and wanted a military burial. Slightly Queeny Orderly found a doctor who’d declare Private Young Bottom a war-related death and filled out the proper forms. He was the one who fished the documents out of the trash and taped them and his medals to PYB’s body, in the hopes that the undertakers who got him would defy his brother and carry out his wishes. You see, Private Young Bottom couldn’t bear to tell his brother that he loved the army…for some reason. "Victor wanted to believe that what he did in the Gulf meant something, that his life was not a waste," says Slightly Queeny Orderly. Hey, didn’t Claire just say she needed meaning in her life too? Why don’t we ship her off to some toxic war zone? Nate gets that look that indicates that he’s going to "do the right thing."
Back at the Body Shop, Rico embalms Private Young Bottom. David enters and demands to know why they haven’t just cremated PYB like the brother authorized. Rico tells David about Nate’s plans to give him a military burial. David curses Nate and demands that Rico drive the body over the crematorium.
Okay, remember how, in Grease, Olivia Newton-John realizes that it’s time to say goodbye to Sandra Dee and she gets Didi Cohn to give her a sexed-up makeover so she can win back John Travolta? And then she shows up at the Senior Carnival with teased hair and a skin-tight black outfit? Well, imagine the menopausal version of Grease with Morticia Ingalls and Ed Begley Jr. as Sandy and Danny. I mean, it’s not like Morticia is wearing black spandex or anything, but she’s standing in the kitchen, helping Ed Begley cook and acting quite girlishly giddy. Maybe her doctor prescribed her some roofies or something. She’s also let her hair out of that bun, and I’m sure that if country singer Juice Newton were watching tonight’s episode, she’d probably call her lawyers and see about suing HBO for hairstyle copyright infringement. Brenda enters with David in tow. "Look who just arrived," says David through clenched teeth. Brenda hands over some wine and introduces herself to Ed Begley. "I understand you like to camp," says Brenda, making a cheap dig about Morticia and Greg’s hiking flings. "Hey, Brenda, I understand you like to have sex in public places," says Gustave, if he had been invited to this dinner party. Ed takes it in stride and puts her wine in the fridge. David tells Brenda that he doesn’t know where Nate is. "That’s okay," says Brenda. "I can exist without him." That’s because there is a heterosexual male present whom she could probably have public sex with if Nate bails. Due to some cooking issue, Ed Begley Jr. and Morticia have to reach into the same cabinet.
Claire enters at that moment and sees their bodies pressed against each other, and she has another David E. Kelley moment where she imagines Ed giving it hard to Morticia up against the kitchen counter. There is a clear view of Ed Begley’s right butt cheek and everything. Then, at the dinner table, David has a David E. Kelley moment of his own, imagining Mommie Dearest giving Ed Begley a hand job at the table. "I just can’t get enough of his cock," says Morticia in the fantasy. Speaking of Ed Begley’s cock, I once heard a rumor that it’s huge and that everyone in Hollywood knows this. And yes, I know none of you really wanted to hear about that, but it’s the first thing that pops into my head whenever I see Ed Begley Jr. And that goes for his appearances on 7th Heaven, too. You see, I’m nine years old. But you know, as sick my mind is, I have to say that I’ve really never -- unlike Les Freres et Soeur Fisher -- fantasized about my parents having sex. In fact, I accidentally walked in on my mother and stepfather having sex, and I had a David E. Kelley fantasy that they were searching frantically for a contact lens under the covers. Anyway, David drops his fork, and the fantasy ends. Claire asks her mom for permission to go to Sierra Crossroads so she can "go to the mountains and confront fear." Morticia agrees to discuss it later, after Claire explains that it will look good on her college application. Nate backs her up, confessing that he snuck away from home as a teenager and did a Sierra Crossroads program. Morticia announces that she’s got a new job with The Lusty Russian Florist. For some reason, this makes everyone silently gasp. Ed Begley says that she never mentioned it to him before. Morticia does the guilty "oh, I thought I did" routine.
Later, in the kitchen, David does dishes. When Nate enters with plates from the table, David tells him that he sent Private Young Bottom to the crematorium. Nate explains that PYB wanted a military burial. David tells Nate that Kovitch could sue them for disobeying his wishes. Nate tells David about the military death benefits. David’s ears perk up, but Brenda enters to say goodbye before they can discuss it any further. Nate walks her out and almost refuses Brenda’s request to come over for non-public sex.
Ed Begley and Morticia Ingalls cuddle on the Pier One Imports bamboo couch in the sun room and discuss how the evening went. "I don’t understand why I was so nervous," says Morticia. "I gave birth to all of them." She puts her head on his lap and tells him she would have liked him to have known her husband. Begley looks confused. As am I. I just hope it’s not a three-way fantasy. I've seen enough offbeat sexual situations for one week.
And yet it’s already time to make room for one more. When Brenda and Nate arrive at Brenda’s, there’s a gift basket from Billy addressed to both of them. Do I even need to tell you that there’s a dildo inside? And other tacky products from Spencer Gifts? Nate thinks this is a bit scary. Understandably. Brenda assures Nate that the dildo is a sign that Billy likes Nate. "There were other guys that Billy didn’t like," says Brenda. "Believe me, it’s better this way." She goes onto explain that Billy is bipolar and doesn’t have a normal sense of what’s appropriate. Nate asks about the matching tattoos. Brenda explains it away as something they did while drunk in Vegas.
Back home, David is alone in his room, unwinding for the evening. He brushes his teeth and tongue, hangs up his suit carefully, pours himself a glass of milk, grabs himself a hand towel, and sits down to pleasure himself to a gay porn film. And guess what? It’s a porn film about an army private being "disciplined" by two senior officers. When I first saw this episode and it got to this point, I thought this Gulf War plot was going to take a strange and wonderful turn, with David discovering that Private Young Bottom made porn films, and that’s why he kept watching that tape of him and his buddies over and over again and his brother didn’t want him to have a real military burial…or something. But I’m sad to say that any connection between David’s army porn and Private Young Bottom’s home videos is purely metaphorical. I would also like to know why David would drink milk after he brushed his teeth so carefully if he’s that detail-oriented. Anyway, before David can, um, drink his milk, so to speak, his phone rings. It’s the crusty old church trustee, asking him not to vote for Father RadiKal at the election tomorrow. "Let me ask you a question," says COCT. "Do you think Father RadiKal is gay?" David mentions his dead wife. "I mean, I don’t care if he is," says COCT. "I just don’t want him pushing that agenda." The scene ends with a close-up of the paused porn tape, in which the young private’s face is pushed up against the crotch of one of the senior officers while the other senior officer brandishes a night stick. Hmmmm. Could this be a metaphor?
The morning, Nate enters David’s room with good news. The National Cemetery will bury Private Young Bottom in an urn. David asks why Nate wants to defy PYB’s wishes. Nate tells David that he has proof that PYB loved the military, but couldn’t tell his brother. He whips out the videos that PYB watched over and over again and walks over to the VCR to put one in. When he turns on David’s VCR, the porn tape from last night starts playing. David shuts it off quickly with the remote and runs out of the room with his tail between his legs. Nate calls after him. "C’mon! It’s okay, I watch porn too!" Actually, Nate, you are porn. When could you possibly have the time or energy to watch porn?
Claire’s high school library. For some reason, Claire starts staring at a table full of popular girls. For yet another unknown reason, she decides to walk over to the table and say hi to the girls, even though they seem to hate her. "So are you guys taking the PSAT too?" asks Claire. The girls are like, "Uh, yeah." Yet another David E. Kelley sequence starts up. Claire asks the girls what happens to them in the future. Popular Girl #1 tells Claire that she’s going to go to law school and marry a great guy who becomes rich. They’ll have kids and be incredibly happy. Claire is shocked by this. Popular Girl #2, the slightly sluttier-looking one, moves to France, hates it, becomes a TV executive, and works out all the time. "I’m fairly miserable and have a slight substance abuse problem," she says. Popular Girl #3 starts a successful business, but dies of ovarian cancer at the age of 30. "That sucks!" says fantasy Claire. "Tell me about it," says PG #3, laughing at the irony. The other girls join in to share a hearty laugh, which eventually Claire joins in on as well. But then the fantasy ends, and Claire is simply laughing by herself in front of a table full of clueless popular girls who think she’s crazy. "What a freak!" says PG #1.
Church of the Poison Mind. David enters Friar Prissy’s office to tell him that the board voted to pass on Father RadiKal, because he seemed like he would be a divisive presence. Friar is pissed off, because he wanted to bring in someone who wasn’t a "conservative lap-dog that won’t challenge anyone," and he pulls out a bottle of Scotch. Can I just ask why it is that every time there’s a movie or TV show where someone drinks secretively in a dusty book-lined office, it’s always Scotch? What’s wrong with a nice Campari and Soda? Or a Pimms Cup? Anyway, he offers some Scotch to David, who refuses. David points out that he thought the world of Father RadiKal, but didn’t think he’d "be happy" at their conservative church. "Why should he be happy?" asks Friar Prissy rhetorically. "Are you?" David confesses to being very unhappy, what with all the changes, losses, and complications in his life recently. "But the one thing that helps me to deal is to have one place in my life that hasn’t changed. That’s why they call it a sanctuary." Then David cops an attitude and tells Friar Prissy that the "majority of our congregation feels the same way," and basically makes it clear that he’s not in support of Friar Prissy’s gay agenda. David exits, and Friar Prissy takes a big gulp of his Scotch.
Back in the Body Shop, Rico studies a clipboard while drinking a product-placed Hires Root Beer. The phone rings. "What can I do for you, Mr. Gilardi?" asks Rico.
At Lusty Russian Florist’s, LRF watches customer service in action as Morticia Ingalls helps a bride select a bouquet for her wedding and bridesmaids.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Kovitch doesn’t realize it, but the Fisher boys have put together a ceremony for PYB where his army buddies from the initial video letter, who are now in various stages of sickness from the chemicals themselves, gather and bond over their shared experiences. Kovitch enters and asks if his brother is ready yet. He sees the memorial going on and starts to lose his temper. David tries to calm him down by explaining that there will be no charge to Kovitch for the memorial service -- the military benefits covered that. PYB’s army buddies notice the brother’s presence and salute him for fighting the good fight about PYB’s disability case. The black private who kissed PYB in the video gives Kovitch a picture of PYB and thanks him for allowing the military burial, even though he was against it. Although Kovitch is touched by the gesture, he goes off on Les Freres Fisher for allowing a military burial over his objections. Nate sanctimoniously informs Kovitch that PYB was afraid to tell Kovitch what he wanted, but he secretly wanted the military burial, and it’s paid for. "I just wanted your brother to have the funeral he wanted," says Nate. This makes Kovitch cry like a baby and regret that PYB didn’t think he could confide in him. Nate leads him over to PYB’s friends, and he begins the healing process of grieving along side PYB’s army buddies. Wow, I guess we all learned something…
The PSATs. Claire fills in the bubbles to form a skull and crossbones pattern. Wow, what a bitter disenfranchised girl.
Lusty Russian Florist finds Ruth crying in the back of the shop because of the "smell of the flowers." LTF tries to comfort her, telling her she’ll get used to it. Ruth explains that she’s not crying because she’s sad. She’s crying because the flowers are so beautiful, and sometimes there’s just so much beauty that her heart can barely contain it. Oh, wait, wrong clichéd Alan Ball project. That should have read that all her life, she associated the smell of flowers with death. Now she has a job where she gets to help people select flowers for happy occasions: weddings, anniversaries, new babies, et cetera. It touches her to be around so much happiness.
Some church. Private Young Bottom gets his military burial with Kovitch’s blessing. Wow, I was so worried there. I was so emotionally invested in this plot. Oh, wait. Taps plays, and for some reason, Les Freres Fisher are standing at the altar as if they’re members of the immediate family. The flag is folded, and everyone salutes the coffin. Kovitch accepts the flag from PYB’s captain. After the ceremony wraps, though, he hands it to Nate and tells him to give it to "one of his friends." He exits and walks away from the camera, disappearing into that ubiquitous white light. Later, in the cemetery, Nate grabs David, hugs him, and tells him that he loves him. David tells Nate that he "did the right thing today." They walk off into the sunset.
Nate arrives at Brenda’s to take her to the mud baths. Billy is off his meds and sitting on Brenda’s floor, wrapped in a blanket like a Red Cross disaster relief client. He explains that Brenda can’t go away with Nate, because she’s helping him pick out hooker pictures for a gallery show he’s got lined up in Westwood. "You can fuck her some other time," says Billy, who explains that Brenda serves as Billy’s "eyes" when he "goes blind." Nate and Brenda go outside, and Brenda explains to Nate that she owes it to Billy to stay with him through his breakdown since they’ve been through a lot together. Nate accuses Brenda of letting Billy manipulate her. "You think I fucked my brother?" asks Brenda, apropos of nothing. Nate points out that he never said any such thing. Brenda lays down the law and tells Nate that he’s going to have to accept that Billy is a big part of her life. Nate turns and walks away. Brenda tells him to fuck off, then changes her tone and tenderly tells him that she really wanted to go away with him. Nate asks her if he can do anything to help. Brenda tells him to go to the mud baths, relax by himself, and forget about everything. She goes back inside, but gives him a final shrug. Nate picks up his bag and walks off into some more white light.