Brotherhood

Hi, its me, Gustave. Yeah, Gustave. Im your new recapper because Aaron is, um, "suffering from dehydration" and is hanging out at this, um, "resort" with AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Robert Downey Jr., and Paula Poundstone.

I know what youre all thinking. Youre all used to an Aaron recap, the same way you could only eat Spaghettios on your special bunny plate when you were a kid. Or the way you had your favorite babysitter. Aaron is like the bubbly high school freshman whod read to you from VC Andrews novels and let you stay up late and watch Cinemax movies, just as long as you didnt tell Mom that her 32-year-old tattooed boyfriend came over to make out. Im like the blue-haired lady the agency sent with bad breath who made you watch PBS, sent you to bed on your official bedtime, and gave you enemas. Well, guess what, kids. Aaron found out he could make more money folding sweaters at the Limited where hed have a nice employee discount too. Im your new babysitter, and Im not going anywhere because Ive got arthritis and the library wont hire me back after the Judy Blume "cleansing" incident.

But seriously, folks, Aaron is only away for this week, so youll only have to put up with my unfamiliar recapping style once. Im not too familiar with the traditional vocabulary, so Im using some of my own. And I tried to work in an Aaron-style hypothetical dialogue sequence, but I found I couldnt compete. Oh, and this recap is dedicated to the fine folks at Kiehls. I think we all know why.

Okay, so first its like were watching a home video. We see a grainy shot of a young army private in camouflage fatigues standing in his barrack tent in front of the camera. He adjusts the camera until hes sure hes in the frame and then starts talking to the camera. Its a video letter to his parents. But when youre not paying too much attention, it looks like amateur porn -- you know, with that military thing going on. Furthermore, the guy looks like a younger version of Davidor at least thats my impression. So anyway, he explains to his parents excitedly that hes got all this responsibility as an army private, and how important it is to keep all their mechanisms clean because of all the sand blowing around. Helicopters blare in the background. His mischievous but hunky friends interrupt his video message -- one of them is a bald black guy (a Keith stand-in?) who kisses him, but in a manly drunken way. I mean, I know that not every single bald black guy looks like Keith and this guy is no exception, but I wonder if someone else wanted us to make that connection. Private Young Bottom explains amid the growing din that he cant tell them much about what theyre doing, but soon their unit will get into the thick of things. Hes interrupted again by two more privates, one of whom moons the camera. And unfortunately its the least hunky of the four. EMFs Unbelievable plays in the background. Hey, didnt Unbelievable come out AFTER the Gulf War? So as Private Young Bottom goes on about what a great opportunity the army is for him and how its changed his life -- which apparently wasnt so action-filled to begin with -- the camera pulls back to reveal that this video is being watched by a not-so-young-looking Private Young Bottom from a hospital bed. And from the tubes in his nose and the dejected expression on his face, Im guessing that things didnt work out so well for Private Young Bottom, whose name turns out to be Victor Kovitch. Like, nice rip-off of Ron Kovics name from Born on the Fourth of July. Victors older brother, a hotheaded balding guy, appears in his room with "the latest South Park" on video. Private Old Bottom closes his eyes, and the screen goes black. This weeks Le Morte de la Semaine is Victor Wayne Kovitch, PFC, October 20, 1971 to March 21, 2001. What? No sexually provocative last words or wacky senseless accidents? Just a Gulf War Syndrome PSA? Damn!

Nate "Rectangle Head" Fisher is lying in bed. His beeper goes off. He curses David and checks the time on his beeper to see how much time he has to get up and have public sex with Brenda the Blunt. Brenda enters, wearing some Amish-modern outfit complete with headscarf, a peach long-sleeved T-shirt, and baggy drawstring pants. I take it this is her Shiatsu uniform, since every Shiatsu person I have ever met has literally been wearing this exact outfit whenever Id meet them. Im serious. Even the guys. "I had the weirdest dream last night," she intones while standing in the doorway. "This guy comes into my house at 4 AM, he climbs into my bed, but instead of having his way with me, he just passes out." Brenda? Im going to venture a theory here. Maybe Rectangle Head was simply too tired to fuck you after having had public sex with you three times earlier that day. Or maybe he saw no point in wasting a perfectly good orgasm on you while no one was watching. But Brenda doesnt see it that way. She thinks Nate is suffering from repressed anger, according to her observations of his jerky behavior while sleeping. Rectangle Head offers exposure to formaldehyde as the source of the problem. Brenda offers him coffee. You know, because the sooner the caffeine wakes him up, the sooner they can drive somewhere public and have sex. He wants the coffee so she jumps up to make it, but not without kissing his crotch through his pants first.

Rectangle Head calls David from the phone in Brendas kitchen and tells him that he cant pick up another body. Hes been too busy lately, and he only got four hours of sleep last night. "Plus," says RH, "Im tired of getting the shitty jobs that you dont want." They cut to David, or, rather, the draining corpse on Davids table, back at the Formaldehyde Fortress. So much for "shitty jobs," huh? David explains that Nate has to collect the bodies instead of prepare the corpses, because hes not a licensed funeral director yet. Rectangle exposits that hes taking the test in a week, and asks David how hes going to study on only four hours of sleep a night. "Coffee and diet pills worked for me," deadpans David. Hee! David goes on to explain that he cant pick the new body up himself because hes got a deacons meeting. Oh, are we still working that plotline? Thrillsville. Nate complains that the last time he picked up a body from a nursing home, the roommate didnt even know about the death. He had to tell her. Brenda overhears this and laughs while she makes breakfast. "Just be glad we have the business," says David. They hang up, and Brenda puts some food item into Rectangle's mouth. God forbid they should do anything together that isnt foreplaylike the act of eating. They kiss, but Brenda pulls away. Not public enough for you, Brenda? Rectangle Head realizes that he smells like a corpse, and apologizes. Brenda points out that he doesnt smell so bad, but his life "stinks." She orders him to take a vacation. Oh, and then they have this conversation where he refers to her as his girlfriend. They both pause at that weird word, and Nate corrects himself and proclaims her to be his "mistress." "Well, then, you better be buying me a lot more shit, Mistah," says Brenda all gangster-mollish. "I love you," says Nate, swooping in for a grope. They both freak at the implications of that statement. They both have intimacy issues. We get it. Nate changes the subject and tells Brenda hell tell David to fuck off and take a vacation with her at some spa where you sit around in hot mud. "If we leave Friday, we can be naked for two whole days," says Nate. Brenda agrees, even though shell have to cancel with some clients.

Breakfast at the Fisher household. Since David got up early to sew up a corpse, Claire "Sullen Girl" Fisher and Ruth "Morticia Ingalls" Fisher are alone in the kitchen. Sullen Girl sips coffee and reads Don Juan by Carlos Castenada. Okay, please be referring to Carlos Castanedain an ironic way and not as evidence of Claires emerging spirituality. I said please? Okay, clearly no one is listening to me. Morticia Ingalls looks over Claires shoulder. Claire points out that shes hovering. Mommie Drearest shrinks back. She fidgets with something on the kitchen counter and tells Claire that someone is coming over for dinner tonight. Claire is all, "Okay." Morticia Ingalls clutches her coffee cup to her chest anxiously and tells Claire that she wants her to be nice to the guest. Hmm -- just a stab in the dark here, but could Morticia be nervous about the effect her guest could have on the family? Im just guessing. Claire obviously shares a brain with me, because she puts her book down and asks if Ed Begley Jr. is the guest in question. Mommie Drearest snaps back an affirmation. Claire smirks into her coffee. And it would be really nice if they just ended the scene there, but they dont. So Claire has to smirk into her coffee again, only this time its a much harder smirk in case the ironically challenged didnt get it the first time. And then they end the scene.

Church of the Poison Mind. A bunch of church people are having a meeting. Father Jack (Friar Prissy) exposits that theyre looking for a new priest. Apparently the search committee is split evenly over a candidate, and David has the deciding vote. Yeah, that always happens, doesnt it? You join a church one day, and the day youre making really important decisions for them. Oh, and churches are always run democratically like that. The group wants to vote immediately, but David, who is being all Brandon on for some reason, says that he wants to meet with the candidate himself and make an "informed opinion." "Is this the way it works, Jack?" a crusty old church trustee asks Friar Prissy. "You bring in the new generation deacon and the deacon brings in the radical new priest you want?" Friar Prissy crosses his arms and cocks his head to the side. David assures Crusty Church Trustee that theres no "agenda." Progressive Church Lady gets into it with Crusty. Wow, theres a power struggle at a local church. And David is in the middle of it. How fascinating. I guess were not going to be seeing much gay sex this week.

And speaking of Gay Sex, as in the opposite of Straight Sex, Brenda and Nate are having some of the latter in Brendas bedroom. But I guess theyre making the privacy tolerable by having the bedroom door lie wide open so that conceivably anyone could walk in. Billy walks in. Oh, good. For a moment I thought theyd actually have to share a special moment with no one but themselves. Brenda finally notices him. I think she always looks over her shoulder when shes having sex. You know, to check the lighting and make sure that the batteries in the video camera havent run out. She jumps up and yells at Billy for not calling before he came over. Yeah, Billy, you missed the foreplay and that nifty thing they were doing with ice cubes and a Dustbuster. You better thank your lucky stars they taped it for you. Billy takes it in stride and refuses to leave the room, explaining that he left his cell phone at home and was out biking down the boardwalk. "Oh, Bren," says Billy. "I got some amazing shots of some hookers on Sunset I want to show you." Oh yeah, hooker pictures. You know how just about every high school student who gets a Nikon and gets it into their heads to be an important photographer will go photograph hookers. Or, if theyre not that edgy, they might settle for homeless people. I swear to God. These local photography contests? The grand prize always goes to goes to a picture of a homeless woman sleeping on a subway grate in front of some really vulgar symbol of capitalism like a pricey jewelry store, and the first runner-up is always some grainy black-and-white hooker picture. "I think theyre really good," says Billy, swaggering out of the room. Nate and Brenda heave a sigh of frustration and relief. "Well," says Brenda by way of explanation. "Your mom walked in on us once. I guess were even." Um, actually, Brenda, Nates mom walked in on you guys because you were getting some south-of-the-border loving in her living room. Its not exactly the same thing. Oh, and I just wanted to point out that I really like Brendas sheets. And her Noguchi Pendant Lamp from www.dwr.com.

Oh wait, Brendas got another Noguchi lamp in her living room. This one is the bigger one. I believe its the Akari Freeform Column Floor Lamp. I was thinking of buying one earlier this year when I got my tax refund. I thought it would be perfect for those lazy summer days spent in my living room looking at art photos of hookers with my bipolar, emotionally incestuous brother. Apparently Brenda and I share a brain, because there she is aprs shower in her robe, checking out Billys hookerography. "This chick has seen the worst that life has to offer!" says Billy about one of his subjects. "Billy," says Brenda. "These are incredible!" Billy points out a tumor on the subjects neck. "You just know there is some freak for whom that is a big turn-on!" adds Billy. 'Cause now that he photographed a hooker with a zoom lens, he knows enough about the seedy underbelly of the streets to explain these deviations to Brenda. "I love the Bank of America in the background!" gushes Brenda. Yes -- ironic, isnt it, that hookers have checking accounts and ATM access just like anyone else who works for a living and earns money. Nate enters and tells Brenda he has to go to work. Billy makes a crack about bringing out the dead. Nate ignores him and kisses Brenda goodbye, reminding her to cancel her Saturday appointments. Why do I get the feeling that this trip isnt going to go as planned? Billy asks Brenda what shes doing Saturday. Brenda lies and claims that theyve got a date to go buy cacti. And yes, Brenda would have to go buy a phallic plant, wouldnt she?

Back home, Nate walks in and calls out for David. Surprise, surprise -- Davids with a customer, and Nate doesnt realize that they're not alone, so he makes an inappropriate remark about a car accident he just witnessed that might provide business for Fisher & Sons. Davids always with a customer when something tasteless is said. Just like Brenda and Nate are always having sex when someone walks in on them. Davids visitor turns out to be the bald hotheaded older brother of the corpse of the week. Nate recognizes him from high school, because apparently he was a big wrestling star. He saves the day by bonding with him about the good old days when Kovitch was a young jock who got laid all the time. Only Ill bet he didnt have as much public sex as Nate is having now. Kovitch makes a bitter crack about the prices of coffins. David tries to smooth things over, but Kovitch tells him to shove it. "I buried my parents, and no offense, but I hate you guys and I hate what you do." Oh, I sense a job for Dr. Fisher Feelgood. Gee, do you think this broken man will develop a perspective on life thanks to the Fisher boys before the hour is up? And do you think this will relate somehow to Davids struggle to come out of the closet? The suspense is killing me! Anyway, Kovitch wants a simple cremation and no service. Hell drive the ashes up to where his mother is buried and let them blow away. Nate looks over Davids shoulder and sees (somehow) that Private Young Bottom was in the military and is entitled to some death benefits. Kovitch nixes that idea. Private Young Bottom hated the army. Barely choking back the tears, Kovitch exposits the circumstances of PYBs death. He was stationed in the Iraqi desert, and there were all these chemicals. When he came back home, he developed lung cancer at the age of 29. "Still, no one will say the words Gulf War Syndrome," says Kovitch, while Dave and Nate do the ordained "look down thoughtfully." "So fuck the army!" says Kovitch. "Let them keep their benefits!" He leaves to go tend to his father, who has Alzheimers. On his way out, David makes sure he doesnt want a proper coffin. "A paper sack will do just fine," says Kovitch, exiting.

David moans about the meager price of the funeral. "That guy was the shit when we were in high school," says Nate. "I never even knew he had a brother." David tells him that hell meet the brother soon enoughwhen he goes to pick up his body at the VA hospital. Nate tells David that actually hes planning to take a couple days off. David forbids it, and Nate tells him that he has no authority to tell him what to do. David explains, rightfully, that they need all the business they can get and he hasnt had a couple of days off in ages. "Youre willing to live like that," says Nate. "Im not." Actually, Nate, since your brother has been working his ass off for this company while you were getting laid up north and inherited 50 percent of the company anyway, you need to suck it up. They bicker their way into the kitchen, where Morticia Ingalls is scrubbing something. She interrupts them to tell them that Ed Begley Jr. is coming over for dinner. "Wouldnt a restaurant be better? This is our home," says David. Um, David? Where was this "home" lecture while Nate and Brenda were having oral sex in the living room? "This is my home!" asserts Morticia Ingalls. Nate realizes aloud with a smirk that Ed Begley is "camping guy," and asks if he can bring Brenda. I guess thats because Ed Begley is one of the final remaining cast members who hasn't yet seen Brenda and Nate have sex, so its important to get that out of the way while theres an opportunity. Morticia doesnt answer the question, instead going off on a rant about Ed Begley being a highly acclaimed chef while she defiantly rips off her apron. "He gave it all up to become a hairdresser," she says, her voice starting to break. "And hes NEVER BEEN HAPPIER." She stomps off, pushing in one of the breakfast chairs with her butt. Isnt it funny when menopausal women push stuff around with their butts? Im sure David E. Kelleys kicking himself right now for not making Betty White do that first.

Nate goes back to the VA hospital where Private Young Bottom was a patient. Because as stressed out as Nate is, he can still find time to stick his nose into the life of a dead person who he doesnt even know, so he can supercede the wishes of the dead guys closest relation. Some slightly queeny orderly that knew Private Young Bottom gives all the exposition youll ever need about this dumb plotline. Apparently, Private Young Bottom loved the army and wanted a military burial. Slightly Queeny Orderly found a doctor whod declare Private Young Bottom a war-related death and filled out the proper forms. He was the one who fished the documents out of the trash and taped them and his medals to PYBs body, in the hopes that the undertakers who got him would defy his brother and carry out his wishes. You see, Private Young Bottom couldnt bear to tell his brother that he loved the armyfor some reason. "Victor wanted to believe that what he did in the Gulf meant something, that his life was not a waste," says Slightly Queeny Orderly. Hey, didnt Claire just say she needed meaning in her life too? Why dont we ship her off to some toxic war zone? Nate gets that look that indicates that hes going to "do the right thing."

Back at the Body Shop, Rico embalms Private Young Bottom. David enters and demands to know why they havent just cremated PYB like the brother authorized. Rico tells David about Nates plans to give him a military burial. David curses Nate and demands that Rico drive the body over the crematorium.

Okay, remember how, in Grease, Olivia Newton-John realizes that its time to say goodbye to Sandra Dee and she gets Didi Cohn to give her a sexed-up makeover so she can win back John Travolta? And then she shows up at the Senior Carnival with teased hair and a skin-tight black outfit? Well, imagine the menopausal version of Grease with Morticia Ingalls and Ed Begley Jr. as Sandy and Danny. I mean, its not like Morticia is wearing black spandex or anything, but shes standing in the kitchen, helping Ed Begley cook and acting quite girlishly giddy. Maybe her doctor prescribed her some roofies or something. Shes also let her hair out of that bun, and Im sure that if country singer Juice Newton were watching tonights episode, shed probably call her lawyers and see about suing HBO for hairstyle copyright infringement. Brenda enters with David in tow. "Look who just arrived," says David through clenched teeth. Brenda hands over some wine and introduces herself to Ed Begley. "I understand you like to camp," says Brenda, making a cheap dig about Morticia and Gregs hiking flings. "Hey, Brenda, I understand you like to have sex in public places," says Gustave, if he had been invited to this dinner party. Ed takes it in stride and puts her wine in the fridge. David tells Brenda that he doesnt know where Nate is. "Thats okay," says Brenda. "I can exist without him." Thats because there is a heterosexual male present whom she could probably have public sex with if Nate bails. Due to some cooking issue, Ed Begley Jr. and Morticia have to reach into the same cabinet.