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Confession: "The Sign of Three" is my favorite episode of Sherlock so far. I adore it. I've probably watched the ending more than a dozen times. My heart runneth over. Given all that, it might seem odd that I only gave it a B+. I did so because in grading it, I'm trying to distinguish between that which I love, and that which is good. That sounds snottier than I mean it to. How to explain?
While you have a perfectly lovely, well-behaved, beautiful dog, my dog is my favorite. Last night, your dog saved a life. That is awesome, but my dog is still my favorite, even though last night (true story, and hey there were circumstances beyond her control), she piddled on the front hall rug. A few hours later, Sherlock piddled on John and Mary's wedding, but he's getting a biscuit, anyhow.
Within the show, everyone (who matters to Sherlock) largely indulges Sherlock the savant. Likewise, I'm inclined to indulge Sherlock the series. I get three episodes every year or two. Sherlock feels like a good friend who I don't see nearly enough. He blows into town for a weekend during which I'm already overbooked. I squeeze him into my schedule because he's so dear. Doing so makes everything exponentially hectic. We don't get to see enough of each other, and I end up late for everything else on my calendar. Once he's gone, the weekend is over and I fall into bed, with his visit the clear highlight in my memory, even though he made everything more complicated. Reference "The Empty Hearse" recap and the opening scenes of "The Sign of Three." Where this show is concerned, I remain Lestrade.
As much as Sherlock benefits from running for a short season, then breaking for an overly long hiatus, it suffers from same. Witness "The Sign Of Three." All three writers -- Gatiss, Moffat and Thompson -- had a hand in penning it. Why? I imagine for their Sherlock, the significance of John and Mary's wedding (and, more so, marriage) cannot be overstated.
It seems to me the creative team has so many stories it wants to tell that it hand-waved the need to settle on one (or two, or three) and tried to cram in everything they'd give us, if they had six or seven episodes per year. Drunken stag do? Check. Quiet night at 221B? Check. A drunken case? Check. Sherlock cock-blocking, for John's benefit, an old suitor of Mary's who pines for her? Check. Everyone worrying about Sherlock giving an awkward speech? Check. A wedding speech so awkward even Sherlock realizes it? Check. But wait, it needs to be poignant. Does it tug the heartstrings? Check. Let's add a romantic coda to the speech, at the late night do. Check. A murder mystery that interrupts the speech? Check (at least it didn't interrupt the ceremony). A pregnancy surprise? Check. Is Sherlock finally ready to stop playing the odd man out, only to realize he is the odd man out? Check. In this meta season, if Sherlock is an avatar of the writers, perhaps they might admit that while they craft the story so that everyone indulges Sherlock, in the crafting of "The Sign of Three" those same writers (over-)indulged themselves, more than any of their characters (even Molly) ever indulges Sherlock.
Despite all that, "The Sign of Three" is warm, wonderful, and moving. It gave me everything I wanted and needed, and then some. Mary supports John and Sherlock's friendship. Sherlock supports John and Mary's love. In fact, he so desperately wants everything to be perfect for them that he both composes their wedding waltz, and watches YouTube videos on napkin origami. Were I to list everything I love about this episode, this paragraph would be longer than Sherlock's interminable wedding speech. (Isn't that right, Hudders?) I even loved most of the moments I think of as writerly indulgence.
I'll be back ASAP with the recap. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to our new Sherlock forum where, unlike John, we know when you're fibbing.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Eighteen, twelve and six months ago the headlines scream about a bank gang that's leaving the cops clueless. They're unable to secure a conviction. At each interval, Greg Lestrade and Sally Donovan exit the courthouse, frustrated that the whole Waters family is going to walk. Three months ago, after the crooks get away with it yet again, poor Greg kicks the hell out of the rear, driver's side tire as he rants to Donovan. They know they only way the Waters family is going down is if they manage to catch them in the act.
Yesterday, we watch as three men in horrifying latex clown masks steal pallets of gold bars from a bank vault. The masks are so creepy that, were I on the jury, I'd convict these guys just for wearing them. This time, Lestrade and Donovan are on top of the situation. While the crooks' laptop shows that the bank alarm is disabled, Donovan's shows "hacking detected." From her conversation with Lestrade, it seems she's been able to block the robbers from something I'm not even going to pretend I understand. Score one for the good guys.
When the police storm the bank, Lestrade and Donovan follow. Sally tells Greg he's got to make this arrest. "This one's yours, boss." He notes she's never before called him that. Sally says, "Ah well, look what happens when you're good." As he's going on about how this, unlike many, is a good day, he gets a text message alert. He ignores it, while rattles off a checklist of all the ways they've secured the scene. When the phone goes off again, Greg tells Sally to continue. After a couple more alerts, Greg says he has to answer it. Sally: "It's him, isn't it?" Of course it is.
Lestrade checks his messages. The first five read: HELP. BAKER ST. NOW. HELP ME. PLEASE. Greg tells Sally he has to go. "Sorry. You'll be fine. I'm cool with this." Sally objects and reminds him that someone named Jones will get all the credit, but it's no use. Lestrade will have to let it go. Out in his car, he calls into the station. "Backup. I need maximum backup. Baker St. Now!"
When Lestrade arrives at 221B, he rushes upstairs to find Sherlock hunched over his computer, so he asks what's going on. Sherlock is hesitant as he admits this is the hardest thing he's ever done. He sounds so scared and frustrated, Greg doesn't know what to make of any of it -- at least not 'til Sherlock holds up a book called How To Write An Unforgettable Best Man Speech. Oh, Sherlock. "Have you any funny stories about John?" Have you any nitroglycerin and perhaps some aspirin, to ward off Lestrade's impending coronary? "I need anecdotes." Well, Greg (Gavin, George, Geoffrey, Gordon) needs an ambulance. Sherlock hasn't heard a word I've said, but he does finally notice Lestrade's pained expression. "Didn't go to any trouble, did you?" Sirens and helicopters answer, so Greg can try to catch his breath.
After the title sequence and credits, we open on the exterior of 221B as a bittersweet violin solo beckons us inside. Mrs. Hudson is bringing a tea tray up to her tenant/toddler. When she enters Sherlock's flat, she doesn't find him fiddling. Instead, he's waltzing along to the music. "Shut up, Mrs. Hudson." She hasn't yet said a thing, but his instruction and ensuing insults roll off her back, so she comments she thought it was him playing. It turns out he's dancing to a recording of himself -- test driving his waltz composition for John and Mary. Take a few minutes to compose yourselves and maybe get a hanky or three… you're going to need it for this episode.
Sherlock finally flops in his chair and asks Mrs. Hudson why she's there. She's bringing him his morning tea like always, except he's not usually awake. "You bring me tea in the morning?' No, Sherlock -- the tea fairies do. "I thought it just sort of happened." Mrs. Hudson tells him his mother has a lot to answer for. Doesn't she, just? Sherlock says he knows. "I have a list. Mycroft has a file."
Mrs. Hudson is excited as it's the big day -- John and Mary's wedding. Sherlock: "Two people who currently live together are about to attend church, have a party, go on a short holiday and then carry on living together. What's big about that?" Oh, Sherlock. It changes everything! Mrs. Hudson agrees with me. Sherlock does not.
Mrs. Hudson tells him, "Well, you wouldn't understand, because you always live alone." Ouch, he felt that one. And it's not strictly true, is it? Sherlock reminds her that her husband was executed for a double murder. Mrs. Hudson ignores his jabs. "Marriage changes you as a person in ways you can't imagine." Sherlock snarks that lethal injection does as well, but Mrs. Hudson goes on to tell him about her best friend, Margaret. After Mrs. Hudson got married, she hardly saw Margaret. "She cried the whole day, saying, 'Ooh, it's the end of an era'. [...] I remember she left early. I mean, who leaves a wedding early? So sad." Ouch, again. I suspect one of the people in this room will, and it's not Mrs. Hudson.
Sherlock, who has been ignoring this topic in favor of pestering her for biscuits, begins to bully her to run to the shop. When he snaps at her, Mrs. Hudson clucks back at him. "I really am going to have a word with your mother." Sherlock says, "You can, if you like. She understands very little." Once he's alone, he gazes at John's empty chair and heads into his room to consider his morning suit, which is just hanging there waiting for him. "Into battle."
A soldier (Alistair Petrie) uses only his right hand to button up his dress blues. On the nearby bed are his suitcase, belt, gloves, cap and sword. Our soldier picks up the belt and swings it around his waist. He uses his lame left arm to hold it in place, while the right hand does all the work. His left hand is covered in scars. he dons his cap. That's when we see the left-hand side of his face is scarred as well.
Church bells ring joyful and triumphant as Dr. John and Mrs. Mary Watson march out the chapel door, followed by Sherlock, bridesmaids and the vicar. Outside, the photographer congratulates them, then asks for a shot of just the married couple. What chaps my ass is that John shoos away Sherlock, but not the rest of the party. Then again, Sherlock is the only one who dared to stand as a co-equal partner. There's some lovely stop-motion work (it could be called something else -- I'm a recapper, not the D.P.), when the bridesmaids throw flower petals in the air. Okay, they could be tossing confetti, but isn't it prettier if it's flower petals? Let's make a pact right now. The photography sequence is highly stylized. Amanda Abbington and Martin Freeman look so perfect together, I want to make models of them for mature couples to use as cake toppers. I can't believe I ever wanted anyone but Abbington to play Mary. Yes, I'm looking at you, Lucy Davis.
The last posed shot features Sherlock and the maid of honor, Janine (Yasmine Akram). Turning to her escort, Janine says, "The famous Mr. Holmes. I'm very pleased to meet you, but no sex, okay?' I'm quite sure that will be okay, Janine. When Sherlock seems startled, she explains that she's just joking, as a maid of honor/best man hookup is traditional. Traditional, Janine. Really? The Dowager Countess and I beg to differ. Sherlock is still mostly at a loss for words. Janine assures him it's in no way "obligatory." That's just as well, because you're not getting any, Janine.
Sherlock surveys the crowd for better bets for his cheeky companion. He deduces the man is a recently divorced doctor, etc., but when his eyes land upon the prospect's feet, we see they're wearing cowboy boots. To an English wedding? Sherlock blurts the man has, "...a history of erectile dysfunction. Reviewing that information, possibly not your best bet." When Janine agrees, Sherlock says, "Sorry. There was one more deduction there than I was expecting." Janine decides Sherlock will prove incredibly useful, then takes his arm. While our savant manages not to crawl out of his skin, he can't help but scrunch up his face.
After a time cut, the bride, groom and best man receive the guests. Which is weird, although given that Mary is essentially marrying Sherlock by marrying John, I guess it's appropriate. There are kisses, hugs, generic greetings, etc., until Mary spots an old friend in line. "David!' When she throws open her arms to him, he nearly recoils. Is he posing for a dictionary photo of the meaning of at arm's length? His distance clearly catches Mary off guard. David (Oliver Lansley) says, "Mary, congratulations. You look um… very nice," then moves on to greet John ASAP. "John, congratulations. You're a lucky man." After John thanks him, Mary introduces David (and his starkly ugly fuchsia tie) to Sherlock, who smiles the smile of disappearing lips. Not good. David stammers that they've met. We flash back to...
221B, Wedding Preparation. David looks around, then asks what his duties as usher will be. Sherlock wants to talk about Mary first. When that catches David off guard, Sherlock adds, "Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years." David stammers that was long ago, and adds that now they're just good friends. Sherlock disagrees. "Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photographs of the happy couple, Mary takes center frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded." Janine is right. Sherlock is quite useful. I think I need him to interrogate my teens.
David tries to shrug all that off, but Sherlock is relentless. "You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on, on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defense?" When David can't answer, Sherlock adds, "I think, from now on, we'll downgrade you to casual acquaintance. No more than three planned social encounters a year and always in John's presence. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring."
David blinks. "They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath." For Sherlock, the invitation to be contradictory is icing on the not yet baked wedding cake. "High-functioning sociopath... with your number." Sherlock's eyes disappear as he grins the cheesiest -- yet still evil -- grin, which doesn't fade… it vaporizes, leaving in its place a death glare. His interlaced fingers stretch into the steeple position. He brings them to his chin. David scurries. We flash forward to the...
Present. David mumbles at Sherlock, then heads inside the reception venue. Mary, John and Sherlock continue to receive their guests, until Sherlock is assaulted by a wee boy, Archie (Adam Greaves-Neal). Don't fret. It's not a violent attack. The curly haired ring-bearer or I suppose I should call him a page boy, throws his arms around Sherlock's waist and squeezes. Sherlock is almost as touched as he is uncomfortable. Archie's mum (Helen Bradbury) comments that her boy has really come out of his shell. "I don't know how you did it." The currently molting Sherlock is still trying to figure out what's happening to his own silly self. We flash back to...
221B, Wedding Preparation. Sherlock sits across from wee Archie and tells him all he's got to do is smile at the bride's side of the church, then the groom's and then present the rings. Archie, bless, says "No." Sherlock adds, "And you have to wear the outfit." Archie: "No." When Sherlock tells the child he "really" has to wear the outfit, Archie asks, "What for?" Sherlock tells him grownups like that sort of thing. Archie: "Why?" Sherlock ponders this for a moment. "I don't know. I'll ask one." Adorable. I know, I know. I should be snarky, but I'm far too enchanted, at least right now. As I said in the recaplet, while I don't think this is the "best" episode of Sherlock, it certainly is my favorite.
Archie knows Sherlock is a detective, so he asks if he's solved any murders. When Sherlock confirms he's solved "loads," Archie wants to see some evidence. Oh Lord, where is Archie's mother? Where is Mary? Where is John? Hell, where is Mrs. Hudson? Who left these two children to play, unattended? Sherlock takes no time at all, before saying, "All right," then leads Archie to his desk. The boy peruses what are probably lurid images (thank God we can't see them), then asks, "What's all the stuff in his eye?" Sherlock: "Maggots." Archie: "Cool!" Oh -- as usual -- dear. We flash forward to the...
Receiving Line. Archie's mum mentions Archie is expecting some pictures from Sherlock. Sherlock pats the boy on the head and says, "If he's good." Archie, who is still hugging Sherlock says, "Beheadings!" Sherlock frees himself from the boy and says, "Lovely little village." Archie's mother leads her son into the venue, while John gives Sherlock a look.
During the cocktail hour, the photographer snaps candids of Molly and Tom. Did I call him Tim last week? Is it Tim? I probably should check, but in the spirit of Sherlock, himself, I'm sort of glad I don't know for sure. Let's call him Notlock. Mary is eager to attack the appetizers. "I'm starving. I had to lose so much weight to get into this dress." Across the way, Janine asks Sherlock's assessment of a waiter. Sherlock deduces he has a chronic body odor problem. Janine nods to another who is just taking a skewer out of some meat. The camera work screams that's important, so pay attention. The deductions about the waiter, however, are not. He's a compulsive two-timer. Impressed, Janine asks, "Can I keep you?" Sherlock asks if she likes solving crimes. Janine says, "Do you have a vacancy?" Sherlock lets his eyes find John for but a moment. Hanky time.
Back to John and Mary. Mrs. Watson asks her new mister if his sister is there. She's a no-show. Since it's an open bar, John says that's just as well. He's distracted when a new guest arrives. It's our wounded warrior we watched getting dressed. John hurries off to greet him.
Sherlock drifts over to the bride. When Mary confirms the newest arrival is Major Sholto, Sherlock wonders why -- if Sholto and John are such good friends -- John barely mentions him. Mary says John never shuts up about Sholto to her. Sherlock is jealous, but not of Mary. "About him?" Mary mm hmms, then takes a sip of her wine and nearly spits it out. "Ugh. I chose this wine. It's bloody awful." Sherlock presses Mary a bit more about Sholto. I'm going to run out of synonyms for cute, but his jealousy surely is.
John tells Sholto he's pleasantly surprised to see him. He knows he doesn't usually do this sort of thing. Sholto says he does for old friends. He asks John about civilian life, and wonders if he's still in therapy. John says he'll pop in for a top up, then more pointedly tells Sholto it can be helpful.
Sherlock's still interrogating Mary about John's friendship. "I've never heard him say his name." Mary says the Major is a bit of a recluse since some event they're not yet ready to share with us apparently. Then she adds, "I didn't think he'd show up at all. John says he's the most unsociable man he's ever met."
I think Mary already knows she's tweaking Sherlock and I love her for it. Sherlock doesn't yet realize it, though, and plays right into Mary's hand. "He is? He is the most unsociable?" Mary mmms back. Sherlock: "Ah, that's why he's bouncing around him like a puppy." Mary laughs as she takes his arm. "Oh Sherlock, neither of us was the first, you know." Sherlock tells her to stop smiling and walks off. Mary calls after him, "But it's my wedding day," then takes another sip of the wine, and again nearly spits it out.
We cut to Mycroft's home. He's running on his treadmill and dressed entirely in spandex, which ought to be against several British laws, most of which Mycroft should have ensure passed Parliament in the first place. When he ends his run, Mycroft regards the state of his belly, until Sherlock calls him. After teasing big brother about being out of breath, Sherlock gets to the point. Will Mycroft be coming to the night do? "Cars can be ordered. Private jets commandeered."
Mycroft has no intention of attending anything that can be referred to as a "night do." He tells Sherlock he expects he'll see more of him now that John's married. When he calls it the end of an era, Sherlock says he prefers to think of it as a "new chapter." He doesn't appreciate Mycroft's silence after that. Finally, he reminds Sherlock that getting married is what people do. "I warned you -- don't get involved."
Sherlock denies he is involved and goes on about being unable to refuse John's request that he stand as Best Man. Mycroft says he believes Sherlock, but his voice is the opposite of convincing. Before they end the call, Mycroft says, "Oh, by the way, Sherlock -- do you remember Red Beard?" Sherlock: "I'm not a child anymore, Mycroft." Mycroft says, "No, of course you're not. Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock." Sherlock presses end, stares at his phone for a moment, then walks back toward the head table.
After quick cuts of guest gobbling the various courses, the M.C. clinks a spoon against his glass to get everyone's attention. "Pray silence for the Best Man." The crowd claps as Sherlock rises to his feet and buttons his jacket.
He begins with the usual address to ladies, gentlemen, family and friends -- yes, about a half dozen words before he veers off course. I think I had that in some betting pool. "And er… others." Oh, Sherlock. Even the waitstaff looks uncomfortable. Sherlock's inner circle looks terrified.
We flashback to Lestrade visiting Molly in her lab. She's holding a brain in a stainless bow, as she frets the John might ask Sherlock to be his best man. Lestrade -- after getting over the sight of a brain in a bowl -- thinks this is a foregone conclusion. Molly points out Sherlock will have to make a speech in front of actual people who will listen to the words that come out of his mouth. Lestrade asks, "Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Molly says, "Helen Louise probably wondered the same." Lestrade: "Helen Louise?" Molly looks down at the brain in her bowl.
Still in flashback mode, we see Molly call Mrs. Hudson about the same topic. Mrs. Hudson says the speech will go just fine. Molly notes it's not just the speech. We cut to a later flashback. John enters 221B and hears Mrs. Hudson in hysterics. He enters her flat to make sure she's okay, but she's just laughing at the thought of Sherlock reading the telegrams. For Americans (and others) who aren't aware of this tradition, I've copied a post from TWoP member leaping lucas on the subject. I'll link you to it, but be warned, the post is in the UK thread so if you go there, you might be spoiled for future episodes (not on this particular page, though). Leaping lucas says: "'Telegrams' are a very old wedding tradition in Britain and the Commonwealth (as they are now essentially obsolete), initially where people who couldn't attend the wedding sent their messages via telegram to be read out at the reception. However, they eventually came to be a cross between a standup comedy routine and a "roast" of the bride and groom. Usually the best man or bridesmaids and their cohorts, close friends of the family, will devise all sorts of raunchy and embarrassing telegrams from old flames, and homilies and advise to the happy couple on their wedding night..." One of the examples he includes is: "Sorry we couldn't make it to the wedding -- hope you have a great day -- please send us a photo of yourself and your gorgeous wife, preferably mounted." Cheeky Brits. Hudson is still laughing too hard to talk to John, so she just pats his arm and leaves the kitchen.
When we flash forward to the wedding reception, John finally understands Mrs. Hudson's fit. He closes his eyes and mutters, "Telegrams." Sherlock takes this as a prompt and grabs the notes. "First things first. Telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams. We just call them telegrams. I don't know why. Wedding tradition... because we don't have enough of that already, apparently." Heh.
None of the telegrams Sherlock bothers to read are particularly fresh. The first is a straight note from Mike Stamford (whom you'll remember introduced John to Sherlock). Aw, Mike! The , from Ted and Stella -- a name combination that makes me shudder -- does go on about "big squishy cuddles," which also makes me shudder. Sherlock spits out the words with no lack of contempt. There's only important telegram: "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this." Mary is visibly frightened at sound of CAM." Since this is episode 2 of a 3 episode season, the producers were open about the name of their villain for months before the show even aired in UK, so I feel no need to keep the secret. My initials are CAM, which is (I hope) the only trait I share with Charles Augustus Magnussen, whose last name showed up on Anderson's TV screen during the scene when the Empty Hearse gang learns that Sherlock is alive. Read more about Magnussen's connection to the canonical Milverton, if you want a tease about what to expect in the finale. Sherlock doesn't bother with any more telegrams, after that. He summarizes them as "Special day. Very special day. Love. Love. Love..." etc. "You get the gist. People are basically fond." The guests chuckle.
Is Sherlock finally going to begin his speech? Yes, but only just. He starts talking about John, but doesn't say anything significant about him. Instead, Sherlock turns the subject to himself. Surprise, surprise! "When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused." In a flashback, John leaves the laughing Mrs. Hudson's flat and climbs the stairs to find Sherlock torching an optic never still attached to the eyeball. Oh, God.
John has no appetite for a cup of tea. I have no appetite for any of this scene. I have eye issues. The conversation is delightful, but I'm crawling out of my skin because of the eyeball and where it turns up. Let's tear through this. John has to ask Sherlock to be the best man in his wedding about four ways before Sherlock understands that John wants him to be his best man. We flash forward to the...
Wedding Reception. Sherlock says, "I confess, at first I didn't realize he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and... surprised." In the flashback, Sherlock seems to have gone catatonic.
Back at the reception, Sherlock says, "I explained to him that I'd never expected this request, and I was a little daunted in the face of it." Via flashback, we see that Sherlock still hasn't moved or spoke. John calls his name, but he is unresponsive.
At the reception, Sherlock adds, "I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me, as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he'd placed in me..." John's expression nearly screams in what universe did this happen. Sherlock: ...and indicated that I was, in some ways, very close to being... moved by it.
In the flashback, John tells Sherlock his silence is starting to get a bit scary. At the reception, Sherlock adds, "It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud." This gets a few laughs, with the first and loudest coming from John. Via flashback, Sherlock stammers out a question, to John. "You mean I'm... your... best..." John offers, "Man," as the final word, just as Sherlock says, "Friend?" Hanky time.
John tells Sherlock, "Of course you are. Of course you're my best friend." Sherlock picks up his mug and takes a big gulp. John smirks. "Well, how was that?" Sherlock looks down to see the roasted eyeball bobbing around in his tea and says, "Surprisingly okay." I have to go vomit. I'll be right back. John mentions Sherlock will have to make a speech. We flash forward to the...
Reception. Sherlock take out a stack of index cards and leafs through them, discarding the top few while muttering about how he's already done this bit and that. Lestrade and Molly watch intently. Addressing John, Sherlock says, "I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you." Oh, the looks on Mary and John. These two were terribly brave to even try this out. "All emotions -- in particular love -- stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing morally compromised world."
Sherlock goes off on a brief tangent about marriage as a death-watch beetle of our species, before righting ship and returning the focus to John. "If I burden myself with a little help mate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment of caprice. It is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides." Mary looks gutted at that. John turns to her as if to say, "Did he just say what I thought he said?"
Still, Sherlock prattles. He compares his choice of John to the cliché about brides preferring plain bridesmaids. The bridesmaids at hand are all attractive, but they're now even more miffed. He gets in a shot at religion, which he aims at the vicar. The crowd mutters. Sherlock's friends cringe.
Sherlock takes a breath. "The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-around obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous," at that, he looks to the vicar. "...Unaware of the beautiful," he looks to Janine. "...And uncomprehending in the face of the happy." Finally, he turns to John and Mary.
"So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be the best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend, and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing." Mary smiles at her husband. John looks like he's choking back tears. Sherlock continues: "John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion."
Sherlock thinks on those last words for a moment, then says, "Actually, now I can." John smiles up at his best friend, and then at his blushing bride, who is grinning from ear to ear as she looks at Sherlock. "Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss -- so sorry again about that last one. So know this: Today, you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that."
Many guests are moved to tears. A cry escapes Mrs. Hudson's lips. Molly dabs at her eyes. John turns to his wife. "If I try to hug him, stop me." Mary: "Certainly not." Sherlock says, "Now, on to some funny stories about John," before he looks around and realizes the whole joint is bawling. Rapid fire, he asks in several ways why they're all crying. Finally, he turns to John. "Did I do it wrong?" John's crying now, too. "No, you didn't." Standing, he adds, "Come here," and takes Sherlock in his arms. The guests break into applause. Sherlock tells John he hasn't finished yet. John says, "Can you wait 'til I sit down.' John stands there with his arm around Sherlock's back until the guests settle down, then he sits back down to Mary.
After ordering the crowd to cheer up, Sherlock moves onto the funny stories. He (mildly) mocks John about his blog, then mentions some strange cases they've taken on. If I cover this wordy-ass show in detail, I'm not going to finish this recap this month, never mind today. Seriously, I'd have to adjust for my document header, but I'm 33 minutes in (and less, because I think there was about 5 minutes of PBS b.s. before the episode started) and my word counter tells me I've written over 5,600 words. Finally, Sherlock gets to the case which matters to this episode and Sherlock's speech: The Bloody Guardsman. We flash back to...
221B, Wedding Planning. Sherlock's wall of clues is now a wall of wedding planning and no, Mary hasn't gone all Bridezilla. Sherlock has focused every single brain cell on planning the perfect wedding for John… oh, and for Mary, too. I adore this development. He's not craving cigarettes or acting like he does when he's bored. He is every bit as engaged in solving the question of the perfect wedding, as he was in stopping Moriarty.
Sherlock Holmes has even learned cloth napkin (Brits call them serviettes, as did my Canadian grandmother; I miss my Nana) origami. When Mary asks him how, Sherlock tries to b.s. her that he learned it for a case. She tells him she knows when he's fibbing and wants the truth. Sherlock starts with another lie, but Mary calls him out. "I'm not John. I can tell when you're fibbing." Finally, he 'fesses up that he learned it via YouTube. Ha.
During all the wedding conversation, John has been trying to convince Sherlock to look at some prospective cases, but Sherlock writes them all off or immediately solves them just by hearing the description. Finally, Mary says her phone buzzed, answers it, says hi to a "Beth," and then heads out to the kitchen. Realizing that this is his cue, John says the call must involve him and follows her. Once they're alone, Mary tells John Sherlock is terrified about the wedding. He's wishing it were sooner, just to rip off the bandage. John says Sherlock is silly to worry. The two of them will still work cases, etc. Mary tells John he needs to prove this to Sherlock by finding a new case. "You need to run him, okay? Show him it's still the good old days." John is trying, but Sherlock seems unreceptive to every case he proposes. Finally, Mary shoves John back into the parlor, where they find Sherlock sitting on the floor. He's folded nearly two dozen napkins into models of the Sydney opera house. Sherlock turns his head toward John, then gestures toward his creations. "That just sort of... happened."
John tries a new approach. He feigns or admits wedding planning fatigue. He begs Sherlock to pick any case before Mary comes back in the room. Sherlock tells John not to worry. "I'll get you out of this." Scrolling through his email, he says, "Ooh." We cut to a...
Military… something. Okay, my limited military knowledge is limited to the U.S. Military. I'm going to say they're at a barracks, but it looks too nice for it to be that. In advance, let me tell you I am sorry for all the terms I'll probably botch, and admit that I'm not likely to catch the show in any errors either. Right, so we're at a barracks. The prospective client is Private Bainbridge (Alfie Enoch a.k.a Dean Thomas of Harry Potter fame), of Her Majesty's Household Guard. He's too embarrassed to admit it to his superiors, but he thinks he'd being stalked. Bainbridge is one of the Red Coats in those tall bearskin hats that never move, even while tourists are posing with them or trying to get them to break form. An Asian couple is taking pictures with him, but Bainbridge's eyes are fixed across the road on a hooded (male) figure he believes to be his stalker. He takes pictures of Bainbridge every day, even through the barracks windows.
Back at 221B, Sherlock wonders if their subject has a uniform fetish. "All the nice girls like a soldier." John corrects him that it's "sailor." This led me on a wild goose chase, because I'm quite sure those guards are not naval. What John was actually correcting (and I think I learned this on our boards, but it could have been at any number of Sherlock sites and I apologize for not jotting down where I found my answer) is Sherlock's musical reference. There's a war era song called, "All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor." John also points out that Bainbridge thinks his stalker is "a bloke." Sherlock agrees to take the case. Mary returns just as the guys are headed out. John starts to lie that they're going out to choose socks, just as Sherlock offers, "ties." Mary laughs and says they'll go with socks.
When John heads into the other room to get his coat, Sherlock whispers that he's just going to take John out and run him a bit. Mary plays along like she's his co-conspirator. With Sherlock standing in the hallway and John grabbing his coat near the kitchen, both men can see Mary, but they can't see each other. She gives them both a big, cheesy grin and two thumbs up. You played them both, dear girl. Well done. I'm just trying to ignore that you're standing in front of that Texas longhorn head hanging over the desk, because I've seen too much speculation that it's a visual clue that you're a devil. While I think you're devilishly clever, I really want John Watson to be happy and loved, so I'm pretending this show won't go dark. Humor me.
Bainbridge has another hour on duty before he's free, so John and Sherlock sit across the way on a park bench and watch him. Eventually Sherlock asks John why he never sees his "commander, Sholto." John understandably takes umbrage at the suggestion that he has a current one. Sherlock pretends he doesn't think he's John's commander. John explains that Sholto led new recruits ("crows") into battle and it went pear-shaped. Sholto was the only survivor. "He gets more death threats than you." Sherlock doubts it. John wonders why he's suddenly taken interest in another human being. Sherlock says, "I'm chatting. I won't be trying that again." Heh.
John changes the subject and says that when he marries, it won't change things. They'll still be doing "all this." When John suggests it, Sherlock insists he wasn't worried. John waxes romantic about how Mary has turned his life around. "There are only two people who have done that, and the other one is..." he turns to look at Sherlock, only to find he's gone. John finishes his thought, "A complete dick head." Stop being funny, show. I don't have time for all this transcription.
Sherlock steals a bearskin hat and uses it to march behind the guardsmen until he's in the barracks. I don't know how that didn't draw more attention to him, but I guess it was a funny sight gag. Finally, Bainbridge is off-duty. He looks less than well as he removes his uniform. We cut to Major Reed's office. John presents his military I.D. and says he's there on a legitimate enquiry. Reed (Will Keen) is wary of our John and says that since he's retired from the military, he could be a used car salesmen for all he knows. In a quick cut to the showers, we see Bainbridge has collapsed and is bleeding out. Back in Reed's office, the Major recognizes John as the hat detective's companion. Now he's even less receptive to John. A sergeant runs into Reed's office and reports that Bainbridge is dead.
Back at the showers, Bainbridge is now lying outside the shower he was using. The sergeant must have smashed the glass door to get him. John tries to examine Bainbridge. Reed doesn't believe he's a doctor. As the sergeant restrains John, another soldier drags Sherlock in. The dimwitted Major assumes our boys have killed Bainbridge. Sherlock points out all the reasons he's wrong: no weapon, he's not wet, etc. With voice raised, John repeats his credentials. "Major, please. I'm John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. Three years in Afghanistan. A veteran of Kandahar, Helmand, and Bart's bloody Hospital. Let me examine this body." Reed finally acquiesces.
John finds a wound on Bainbridge's abdomen, while Sherlock makes note of all the case particulars like the shower door being locked when the sergeant found Bainbridge. John realizes Bainbridge is still alive. He is once again an army surgeon, shouting authoritative orders and commanding the room. He shouts at the soldiers to call an ambulance, and orders Sherlock to give him his scarf to stop the bleeding. The best part is when he takes Sherlock's hand, presses it down on the scarf and says, "Nurse, press here. Hard!" Sherlock's all, "Nurse?' John says, "Yeah, I'm making do." Who's the commander now, Sherlock? We flash forward to the...
Wedding Reception. Oh right -- that's what this episode is about. Sherlock tells the guests about Bainbridge's case. "Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty. He'd stood there for hours, plenty of people watching and nothing apparently wrong. He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dead from a wound in his stomach, but there was no weapon. Where did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this: a murderer who can walk through walls, a weapon that can vanish. But in all of this, there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. Would anyone like to make a guess?"
No one answers, of course, because no one goes to a wedding hoping Sherlock Holmes will make a fool of the during the best man's speech. Finally, he prods Lestrade, whom he simply addresses as "Scotland Yard," which is, I suppose, better than Gavin. Greg suggests the weapon could have been hidden in a vent or something, but then starts blathering about ballistas, catapults and dwarves. Sherlock shuts him down.
Tim Tom Notlock is . Sherlock hears him whispering to Molly, and asks him to share with the class. Sherlock says Notlock's name is "Tom," and I think he's right. I think the reason I keep getting confused is that it doesn't seem to me that Sherlock would remember Tom's right name, although I guess maybe he made a point for Molly's sake. Anyhow, Notlock suggests this was attempted suicide, "...with a blade made of compacted blood and bone, which broke after piercing his abdomen, like a meat... dagger." Sherlock is incredulous. Molly hisses at Notlock to sit down. I don't think she slides off her engagement ring, but it can't be long now… can it?
Sherlock's point, which he sure took a long time getting to is that the only interesting feature of this case is "John Watson." Sherlock says while he was trying to solve a case, John saved a life. "The best and bravest man I know -- and on top of that he actually knows how to do stuff. Except wedding planning and serviettes. He's rubbish at those." Sherlock says the case is the most perfect locked room mystery of which he's aware. He's ready to move on to embarrassing John, but Greg has to ask how Bainbridge was stabbed. Sherlock admits it's one case he's never managed to solve.
he moves on to the stag night. A blog entry called, "The Mayfly Man," flashes onscreen. We cut to the lab. Sherlock asks Molly to calculate how much the men can drink at each stop on their pub crawl without getting sick. They're going to stop for a drink on every street where they found a corpse. Molly reminds Sherlock he's a graduate chemist, but he confesses he lacks practical experience. Molly asks if he's implying she's a drunk. Sherlock says he isn't, and I think he's telling the truth. He changes the subject and tells her she looks well. After struggling with the name for a moment, he asks after Tom. Molly says, "Not a sociopath and we're having lots of sex." Wow, when Sherlock is not the most awkward person in the room, I feel a little off-kilter.
It's still daylight when Sherlock and John (you didn't think Sherlock was going to ask Greg, Mike Stamford or Mycroft, did you?) arrive at the first pub. Sherlock produces two 500ml glass cylinders to the barkeep and asks for 443.7 milliliters of beer in each. Apparently, Sherlock has some sobriety/drunkenness application on his phone, too, because when they start to drink he lays the phone on the table between them and a stopwatch application begins running. John asks if they're on a schedule. Sherlock: "You'll thank me."
At the fifth or sixth pub, Sherlock looks at his phone and knows John has to use the men's room before John does. After John heads off, Sherlock's phone shows a chart comparing urine output to blood alcohol content. My blood alcohol content is zero, so I'm finding this more annoying than amusing, but I've watched this episode probably half a dozen times so it's not the fault of the scene. Still, when Sherlock wants to know how long John peed, and John tells him to "Stop talking, now," I cheer, because there's too much talk.
At the pub, John starts sneaking shots at the bar. He downs one and puts another in one of their beer cylinders. He picks that cylinder up with his left hand, but by the time he gets to Sherlock, John can't remember which beer packs the extra punch. He sniffs them both and gives the juiced cylinder to Sherlock. I can't decide whether or not this is accidental, so take your pick.
At the pub, Sherlock is plastered. He's arguing with another patron. "I know ash." John, seated nearby, puts covers his own drunken face with his hand. Sherlock pokes his opponent as he's talking and then pushes him, adding, "Don't tell me I don't." John has to break up the fight and drag Sherlock off. Sherlock's still slurring on about knowing ash at scene's end.
Cut to 221B. The boys are drunk and nearly asleep on the stairs. After Sherlock finishes slurring about his international reputation, Mrs. Hudson happens upon them. She's surprised they're back so early. Sherlock asks "Hudders" what time it is. She says they've only been out two hours.
Cut to Sherlock's flat. They're playing a Who Am I? sort of game. On Sherlock's forehead, he's wearing a Post-It note that reads "Sherlock Holmes." John's Post-It reads, "Madonna." Ha. Sherlock's attempt to play the game generates most of the laughs, because of course, he doesn't know he's asking questions about himself. Stuff like: Am I human, am I nice, do people like me? John has a hell of a good time answering each question. He even asks if he's the King of England, which cracks up John.
When it's John's turn, he sits up and has to steady himself on Sherlock's leg. He asks if he's a woman. Sherlock snickers. When he asks if he's pretty, Sherlock deflects the question with psychological balderdash about attraction. John doesn't care. He needs to know. "Am I a pretty lady?" Sherlock has to admit he doesn't know who Madonna is. He picked her name out of the newspaper. I forget how I know this, but I know when Benedict Cumberbatch met Madonna, she said something to him like, "You're the one with the weird name," to which he replied, "Yes I am, Madonna." Well done, Benedict. I can only hope Madonna used her affected British accent during the encounter.
Sherlock is back to guessing what his Post-it says. "So I am human. I'm not as tall as people think I am. I'm nice-ish, clever, important to some people, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way." Laughing, Sherlock decides he's worked it out. "I'm you, aren't I?" John's laughter is interrupted when Mrs. Hudson knocks and ushers in a client. The woman, Tessa (Alice Lowe), asks, "Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?" Jon makes a funny whistle as he points to the note on Sherlock's head.
After a time cut, Tessa tells the boy about the lovely man she met. They only had one night together, and no… they didn't sleep together. They exchanged numbers, but she thought he'd call to say they were finished. Her tears nearly lead drunk Sherlock to cry. Eventually, Tessa went to the man's flat, but there was no trace of him. She's convinced she had dinner with a ghost. Sherlock and John have started to nod off. When Tessa repeats Sherlock's name, he comes to and calls John rude. Tessa explains that the man who lived in her man's flat died of a heart attack the week before she had dinner with him. She found a website of women who think they're dating men from the spirit world. I am afraid to do a web search on this. I might never stop laughing. Sherlock is intrigued enough to take the case. "The game is… something," John supplies. "On," Sherlock says. Yeah, that.
The landlord lets Tessa and the boys into her mystery man's flat. When Sherlock looks for clues, the text that appears on our screen is blurry, doubled and not worded in Sherlock's usual precise style. The funniest has to be, "Egg chair. Sitty thing??????" Sherlock has to whip off his Belstaff in order to take out his detective kit. With his magnifying glass in hand, he gets down on the carpet to examine it and starts to pass out. Tessa asks if he's all right. John says, "He's clue-ing for looks." When they rouse him the landlord says he's calling the police. Tessa tells him this is the famous detective, Sherlock Holmes and his assistant, "John Hamish Watson." As Sherlock blathers about not compromising the scene, he vomits all over the rug. Okay, eyeballs and vomit in one episode. I'm about to call it a day. Anyone with me?
The boys wake up in a holding cell, to the less than dulcet tones of Greg Lestrade, who takes great pleasure in hurting their poor, hungover heads. He calls them lightweights for not making it to closing time. When John asks him if he could whisper, Greg shouts, "NOT REALLY!" I love him. It takes Sherlock a little longer to stumble out of the cell. After they square things with the desk sergeant, John tries to say it was a good night, but they both know it was awful. It was only awful for you boys. We loved it. It's exactly how it should have been. Doesn't matter now, though. Sherlock's head goes straight to Tessa's case.
Mrs. Hudson gives John an Alka-Seltzer and a big, greasy breakfast he can't bring himself to eat. She talks to John about how marriage will change his friendship with Sherlock. John denies this. He asks her about her marriage. She says they moved to Florida and had a great time, but she didn't know he was running a drug cartel. then she found out about his other women. When he was arrested for blowing off someone's head, it was a relief. So help me, Show, if this is foreshadowing about Mary. When Mrs. Hudson confides about their great sex life, John shushes her, pretends he hears Sherlock until they do and then makes his escape.
Sherlock's reading an article about Sholto when John enters the flat. He quickly shuts that browser before John sees it and now the page on his screen is IDateAGhost.com. Sherlock says that there are going to be other women with the same claim as Tessa. He's already used pushpins to mark locations on a map. We cut to his Mind Palace, which apparently features a courtroom or large chamber of sorts. The gallery is full of women. Sherlock looks at them and immediately eliminates most, then singles in on four: Gail, Charlotte, Robin and Vicki. Do you ever wonder if Benedict finds it hard not to be obnoxious after a long day of playing an obnoxious character? I think I'd find it addictive.
Now it's just Sherlock and the four women. they're standing in the center of the chamber. Gail met her guy at a pub; Charlotte met hers at the gym; Robin met hers on the bus; and Vicki met hers in online. They all have different names: Mike, Oscar, Terry and Love Monkey. Guess which one is the one Vicki met online! All four women went to the man's flat -- each a different address. Blah blah blah. John's voice drags Sherlock out of his own head for a moment. Back in 221B, we see Sherlock sitting in front of five computers and honestly this is one of the things that influenced my grading of this episode. This is just for the visual, but it makes no sense. There's no reason Sherlock couldn't have five tabs or windows open. Blah.
Back in the Mind Palace, all women give different descriptions of the man (blonde, brunette, ginger). Vicki couldn't tell, because he had a mask on. Oh dear. Sherlock finds the obituaries of the men and realizes the perp is using the identities and homes of dead men to lure these women. Most of the women find this repulsive. Vicki declares it, "Clever." I've already had enough of her. Tessa poofs into the Mind Palace and spits, "Bastard." He steals these identities for one day, then disappears into the . Sherlock asks the ladies what they do for a living. Gail is a gardener. Charlotte is a cook. Tessa is a private nurse. Robin does security. Vicki is a maid. Sherlock solves the case then, but doesn't know it when he says they all work for the same person. The problem is, when he does background checks on the women, their common employer isn't listed in any of the hits. We continue finding out the differences between the women. None of it matters. What does matter is that when Sherlock asks the women if they have any secrets, they all say no too quickly, and disappear. Everyone has secrets. Before Tessa signs off, she does say, "Enjoy the wedding."
Out of his head and back in 221B, John suggests to Sherlock that he's missing the obvious point. Their man is probably married. We flash forward to the...
Wedding Reception. As Sherlock regales the guests with details of the Mayfly Man, he starts talking down marriage as boring or confining. That's not surprising. What is surprising is that he realizes his speech is starting to go over like a lead balloon, so he changes the topic. His main point is that John is invaluable to him. While Sherlock can read a crime scene like no other, John can read humans. "I will solve your murder, but it takes John Watson to save your life." Hanky time. "Trust me on that. He's saved mine so many times and in so many ways. This blog is the story of two men and their frankly ridiculous adventures [...] but from now on, there's a new story -- a bigger adventure. Ladies and gentlemen, pray charge your glasses and be upstanding." The guests rise, glasses in hand.
The photographer approaches the head table. Sherlock begins his toast. "Today begin the adventures of Mary Elizabeth Watson and John Hamish Watson. The two reasons why every single one of us is..." The photographer snaps some shots. Sherlock freezes. His champagne flute slips from his hand.
Back in the Mind Palace, Sherlock says "What did you say?" He remembers that at her man's flat, she knew John's middle name is Hamish. In a flashback to 221B, we see all the times Sherlock tried to guess what the H in John H. Watson stood for. Finally, Sherlock nabbed his birth certificate. , we flash back to "A Scandal In Belgravia." Noticing the vibes between Sherlock and Irene, John offers up his middle name for any of their future children. Irene's now in the Mind Palace, naked as the day they met. She reaches out to caress Sherlock's cheek. He allows it for a moment, before he says, "Out of my head. I'm busy." Turning back to Tessa, Sherlock remembers that John's middle name was printed on the wedding invitation.Sherlock says only about 100 people got the invitation. The Mayfly Man seems only to have targeted five women. When he tries to allow for coincidence, Mycroft poofs into the Mind Palace to berate him. Mycroft tries to guide Sherlock to a conclusion. The Mayfly Man went to a lot of trouble, which suggests criminal intent, intelligence and planning.
Back at the reception, Sherlock says, "The Mayfly Man is here today," as he drops his glass to the floor. It shatters. He apologizes. A waiter brings him a new glass. Mycroft keeps trying to summon Sherlock back to the Mind Palace. Sherlock is desperately to stay present while he toasts his best friend, but the evidence is too tempting. Imaginary Mycroft reminds Sherlock he has control of the room and must maintain it. Sherlock asks the guests to sit, lays his fresh glass on the table and then hops over it. I'm glad Janine didn't get a heel to her pretty face.
Walking the aisle between the tables, Sherlock surveys the crowd, looking for the Mayfly Man. He tries to keep talking, but it turns to gibberish because he's too busy reading the room. He alternates from ranting to returning to the matter at hand. He says, "Murder," when he should say, "Marriage." He's a mess. "You know they're quite similar procedures, when you think about. The participants tend to know each other, and it's over when one of them's dead. In all fairness, murder is a lot quicker, though."
After that cheery thought, the manchild stands behind a male guest and yells to Janine to ask her if he's acceptably hot enough for her. After correctly outing the man's date as disinterested in him, he says the man, himself, is a comics and sci-fi geek. "They're tremendously grateful. Really put the hours in." With his left hand, Sherlock makes a small pounding gesture. Meanwhile, his right hand -- which is behind his back -- is typing furiously at his phone."
Turning to Lestrade, Sherlock says, "Geoff, the gents." When Lestrade doesn't respond, Sherlock adds, "The loos, now please." Lestrade leads the audience in answering back. "It's Greg." When he wants to know why Sherlock wants him to check the men's room, Sherlock grits his teeth and suggests it's Lestrade's turn. Greg checks his phone. Sherlock's text appears on our screen. "Lock this place down." Greg heads off.
From the head table, John asks Sherlock if there's an end date to this speech, as they have to cut the cake. I adore Sherlock, but imagine what Mary must be feeling. Now imagine what any non-fictional woman would say and do were this playing out at her wedding. Even the meekest of us would have probably broken down in tears or begged John to drag Sherlock out. Sherlock babbles that John can't stand it when it's finally Sherlock's turn to speak, then clearly says, "Vatican cameos." This is the warning phrase Sherlock used when opening Irene Adler's safe.
Sidebar: There is an apocryphal (as far as I can determine) explanation for this phrase, floating around the internet. You can find this claim on Urban Dictionary, Tumblr, Facebook and fan sites. The claim is that "Vatican cameos," is British military code shouted when an armed non-military person entered a military base. In other words, this explanation claims this is a long-winded way of warning soldiers to duck. Every place I see this explanation, it's worded almost exactly the same. When I search for the phrase without using "Sherlock" in the search terms, the results that report this story involve sites related to this show. When I searched for it as a military term, the results are the same. I think this explanation is a social experiment for fandom, by fandom. In the canonical The Hound of the Baskervilles, Doyle's Sherlock makes a passing comment about a case involving Vatican cameos. I think that is its only and true origin. If you can prove otherwise, please feel free to tweet your proof to me. Seeing this story repeated somewhere Sherlock related is not proof. Seeing it in something to do with the military, which is completely divorced from Sherlock, is. God, I'm starting to sound as obnoxious as Sherlock. Let's pretend I said that in a nice way. I meant to.
Anyhow, John knows this is Sherlock's way of warning him someone's going to die. Mind Palace Mycroft keeps ordering Sherlock to narrow it down. Finally, Sherlock slaps his own face, twice, and shouts, "No! No! Not you! Not you!" Sherlock doesn't need Mycroft right now. He needs John Hamish Watson. When he approaches the head table, Sherlock asks the groom not to solve the murder, but instead to save the life.
Sherlock then turns to the guests and invites them to play Murder. He asks who would be likely to be murdered at a wedding. Hudders cracks, "I think you're a popular choice at the moment, dear." Ha. Sherlock asks someone to move her drink out of reach. I say load her up. Finally, Sherlock hits on the right question: who could you only kill at a wedding? He babbles out all the times he's planned the murder of his near and dear. Notlock turns to Molly and asks if Sherlock is pissed (as in, British for drunk). Without looking at her intended, Molly stabs his hand with a plastic fork. It shatters and as Notlock cries "Ow," she winces. I hope she's tallying up how much deposit money she'll lose when she ends this engagement.
Sherlock hones back in on who could only be killed at this wedding. It has to be someone who rarely goes out, and lives somewhere either unknown or inaccessible. It must be someone quite private -- and possibly obsessed -- with personal security. Finally, he gets there. It's Major Sholto. Sherlock remembers Sholto being vague when John asked him where he was living. He must have a post office box (can you get those in U.K. -- not a mail box at your house, but a private box at the post office), since he got the invitation. Sherlock remembers John saying Sholto gets more death threats than even Sherlock. I'm glossing here, because there's too much information. Finally, Sherlock realizes one of the secrets his ghost-loving clients all kept from him is the name of their secret client. He scribbles "It's you," on a card, and hands it to Sholto. Sholto reads it and prepares to exit.
Sherlock asks how people would kill someone in public. His ramble is interrupted by Archie, whom I nominate as John's replacement should John ever... let's say, became unavailable (heaven forbid). Sherlock tells the boy if he gets this right, there's a headless nun in it for him. Archie says the invisible man could do it. Sherlock who what where when whys the boy. Archie says the invisible man with the invisible knife who stabbed Bainbridge could do it. Bravo, dear boy.
Sherlock flashes back to all the clues and all the connections. Sholto leaves the room. Sherlock grabs a champagne flute from a guest and skips back up in front of the head table. "Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a short interlude." Raising his swiped glass, he says, "To the bride and groom!" He whispers to John that Sholto is the target. John gives Mary a fierce kiss, tells her to sit tight and hustles off after Sherlock. Mary barely waits until they're out of the room to follow.
Sholto enters his hotel room, opens his suitcase and takes out his gun. Meanwhile, John and Sherlock are climbing the stairs. John chides Sherlock for forgetting Sholto's room number since he remembers everything. Sherlock clutches his head as he yells that he has to delete some things. Mary comes charging up between them. As she passes them, she says the room number is 207.
Sherlock gets to the door first and calls out for the Major who assures them he's ready. He refuses to open the door. Sherlock reminds him they know the locked room won't keep him safe. Sholto tells him to solve the case, then. "Tell me how he did it and I'll open the door." When Sholto refuses to listen to them, Mary tells Sherlock to solve the case. When he reminds her he hasn't been able to, she tells him he'll do it now, because it matters, now. Sherlock turns on John. "What's she talking about. Get your wife under control." John smiles. "She's right." Sherlock says, "Oh, you've changed." John tells Sherlock to shut up. "You're not a puzzle solver. You never have been. You're a drama queen. Now there's a man in there about to die. 'The game is on'. Solve it!"
Sherlock's mental inventory includes the guardsman's uniform, Sholto's uniform and the waiter removing the skewer from the beef. The juices pour out. He imagines Bainbridge taking off his belt and getting woozy. We're back to the bleeding beef. The sergeant finds Bainbridge. Sherlock snaps out of it and kisses Mary on the forehead. "Though in fairness, he's a drama queen, too." Mary smiles at him. "Yeah, I know." Poor John.
Through the closed door, Sherlock tells Sholto no one is coming to kill him, because he was already killed hours ago. When Sholto is understandably confused, Sherlock warns him not to take off his belt. He realizes both Bainbridge was stabbed hours before he died, through a tight belt with a slim blade. The military belts are tight enough that the victim doesn't feel the stabbing and the fabric binds the flesh together until it is removed. This gives the killer hours to create an alibi. The irony of being killed by his uniform is not lost on Sholto. He's not inclined to open the door. He throws down his gun and figures since so many want him dead, he shouldn't argue.
John threatens to kick down the door. Sholto ignores him and calls out to Sherlock, "You and I are similar, I think." They know there's a proper time to die. Sherlock uses this to his advantage, by pointing out that the proper time to die is not at John Watson's wedding. "We wouldn't do that, would we -- you and me? We would never do that to John Watson." John's ready to break down the door, but Mary tells him he won't have to. Sholto opens the door and says he needs medical attention. Dr. Watson at your service.
It's night now. Somewhere, apart from the crowd, Sherlock coaches Janine through a proper waltz, and of course offers some helpful hints and well-meaning, entirely-rude criticism. Janine laughs and tells him he's a good teacher and brilliant dancer. He confides in her that he loves to dance, and then to prove his point, he pirouettes! "Never really comes up in crime work, but I live in hope of the right case." Janine looks him up and down and says, "I wish you weren't… whatever it is you are." Sherlock says, "I know." Aw.
John finds them and teases Sherlock about taking time off to flirt when there are murderers running around his wedding. Sherlock corrects him. There's only one and it was only a near murder. Lestrade arrives on the scene. He's brought the photographer back at Sherlock's request. When the man says he was halfway home, Sherlock quips that he should have driven faster. Sherlock flips through the pictures, but that's for show. Eventually, John calls Sherlock out on showing off. Finally, Sherlock nails the photographer for this crime and for Bainbridge's stabbing as well. Like cabbies (in "A Study In Pink") wedding photographers go unnoticed. Their status gives them full access. They even touch people to post them. That's how this photographer got to Bainbridge and to Sholto. Sherlock handcuffs the photographer to a nearby luggage trolley. His name is Jonathan Small and he's a substitute photographer. Huh. I wonder what he did to whoever was supposed to land the gig. Small's brother was one of the recruits that were killed under Sholto's watch. Sherlock tosses a phone (his, Small's? I can't tell) to Lestrade and tells him everything he'll need is on it. He suggests Lestrade arrest Small. Janine whispers to Sherlock, "Do you always carry handcuffs?" Sherlock says, "Down girl." Heh.
Mary finds them all and tries to get John to follow her, until she realizes what's going on. Small insists Sholto is the one who ought to be arrested. He rues not killing him quicker. "I shouldn't have tried to be clever." Sherlock says, "You should have driven faster." He holds out his arm for Janine. She takes it and they swoop off. John and Mary follow. Greg gets to work.
We cut to the wedding dance. Mary and John dance to Sherlock's beautiful waltz he composed just for them. It's so wistful, it breaks my heart. When it's over, the guests applaud. Janine positively whoops for Sherlock, like he's a rock star. Sherlock gives her a look that says she's incorrigible, then throws her his boutonnière. This does not escape Molly's notice.
Before stepping down from the stage, Sherlock addresses the guests one last time. "Ladies and gentlemen, just one last thing before the evening begins properly. Apologies for earlier. A crisis arose and was dealt with. More importantly, however, today we saw two people make vows. I've never made a vow in my life and after tonight, I never will again. So here, in front of you all, my first and last vow: Mary and John, whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on I swear I will always be there always. For all three of you." Sherlock realizes his slip. "I'm sorry, I mean, I mean two of you. All two of you. Both of you, in fact. I've just miscounted." He looks to the other guests. "Anyway, it's time for dancing." He turns to the DJ and asks him to start up the music again. Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons' "December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)" starts up. As he descends from the stage, Sherlock continues to encourage the guest to dance, and the take him up on it.
Sherlock approaches Mary and John and apologizes. He was hit with one more deduction than he was expecting. Mary asks what he means, but I think she's figured it out about as quickly as she figured out the skip code. Sherlock walks her through her symptoms, and we flash back to the accompanying scenes. Her appetite has increased (appetizers during cocktail hour); her tastes have changed (she hates the wine she selected for the reception); and he adds that she got sick this morning, which they wrote off to wedding nerves. "All the signs are there." Oh, maybe Mary didn't get it. She seems sincere when she asks, "The signs?" And when Sherlock says, "The signs of three and looks down at her belly," her "What," seems to come from a place of shock. Determined not to show off in front of John, Sherlock spells it out. "Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test."
John bends over, until Sherlock starts babbling about first trimester statistics, at which the new husband and father snaps back upright and tells Sherlock to shut up. "Just shut up." Sherlock says he's sorry. John turns to Mary. "How did he know before me? I'm a bloody doctor." Sherlock says, "It's your day off." John snaps back, "It's your day off." Sherlock tells him not to panic. John denies he is. Mary says, "I'm pregnant. I'm panicking." Sherlock tells them there's no reason to panic. John: "Oh and you'd know, of course." Sherlock say he would know. They're already the best parents in the world. I grab my hanky. Sherlock reminds them of all the practice they've had. John asks, "What practice." Sherlock says, "Well, you're hardly going to need around, now that you've got a real baby on the way." When Sherlock shifts his view from Mary to John, he laughs at John's stunned expression. John puts his hand on the back of Sherlock's neck. He then lays one hand on Mary's shoulder and claps the other on Sherlock's.
There's laughter through tears, but soon Sherlock's smile fades. When John looks at him, Sherlock tells them to go dance, before people wonder what they're talking about. John says, "Right?" Still teary, Mary grabs Sherlock's arm. "Well, what about you?" John says, "Well, we can't all three dance. There are limits." Sherlock agrees. Mary says, "Come on, husband -- let's go." The Four Seasons are still singing about that night. John teases, "This isn't a waltz, is it?" Mary chuckles. Sherlock assures her he has been tutoring John in dancing. John says, "He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. Mrs. Hudson came in one time. Don't know how those rumors started." John laughs and steers his new wife onto the dance floor. Mary smiles at Sherlock over John's shoulder and blows him a kiss. Sherlock's eyes are still tearing as he smiles back at her and nods.
After a moment of thought, Sherlock looks around the party. Finally he spots Janine dancing. His face lights up and he flashes her a smile. She points to her right. She's dancing with the comic geek whose date just wasn't that into him. Finally ready not to be the odd man out, Sherlock realizes it's not as easy as all that. He returns to the music stand, folds up the sheet music to the waltz and slides it into an envelope addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Watson, then slowly walks off. Molly catches sight of him on his way. She seems to be the only one, but turns her attention back to Notlock.
We cut to the exterior of the venue. Sherlock slips into his Belstaff coat, pops the collar, buttons it up and walks off, all alone.
I'll be back with coverage of "His Last Vow." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to our new Sherlock forum where, unlike John, we know when you're fibbing.