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What does it take to make John Watson love you? Aside from sociopathic tendencies, that remains to be seen. It seems to involve John being able to maintain plausible deniability though. Wait. Given the end of "His Last Vow," scratch that last bit.
Finally, this season's villain, who was seen at the end of "The Empty Hearse, and whose specter looms large over our lovely bride during the telegram scene in "The Sign of Three," rises to the fore. Charles Augustus Magnussen is a media mogul and the most despicable man William Sherlock Scott Holmes has ever encountered. He collects data on everyone or everything, and then uses it as he will, to control who and what he wants.
Magnussen determines his targets' pressure points. Because Mycroft Holmes is the British government, Magnussen wants him under his thumb. Mycroft's pressure point is his brother, Sherlock. Sherlock's pressure point is John Watson. John Watson's pressure point is Mary Morstan Watson, if that is her real name, and as it turns out, it's absolutely not.
Mary is ready to kill Magnussen. Unfortunately, she is ready just at the moment that Sherlock and John sneak into Magnussen's place, in order to steal information that Magnussen is holding over Sherlock's newest client. While John tends to an injured Janine (the bridesmaid from Mary and John's wedding), Sherlock finds Mary holding Magnussen at gunpoint. Mary shoots him, and by him, I mean Sherlock, and flees. When Sherlock wakes at the hospital, he doesn't give up Mary. It's only later, when he gets her to admit that Magnussen has been leaning on her, that John finds out one of the people he loves best in this world shot the other.
Sherlock insists the Watsons resolve their "domestic" quickly, so that they can move forward and take Mary's case. Getting Mother and Father Holmes to invite the pair to Christmas dinner is integral in fully reconciling the couple. Drugging Mother, Father, and Mycroft Holmes, as well as the pregnant Mary, is also integral to taking down Charles Augustus Magnussen. While everyone is sleeping, Sherlock steals Mycroft's laptop, and he and John head to Magnussen's estate, Appledore.
Appledore is rumored to house the vaults where Magnussen keeps his vast stores of incriminating information. Sherlock offers a trade -- Mycroft's laptop (and password), in exchange for all the information Magnussen has on Mary (who worked in intelligence, handled some wet works, and then freelanced). It's then revealed that the Appledore rumors are just that. Like our hat detective, himself, Magnussen has built himself a Mind Palace. Thanks to his media mogul status, Magnussen doesn't need physical possession of any of the information he wields over his marks' head, he just needs to know it. He just needs to publish it.
Because Mycroft's laptop has a GPS tracker, it's not long before Big Brother helicopters his way to Appledore, where Magnussen, Watson, and Holmes are waiting, outside. Realizing there's no information on Mary that he can retrieve in a meaningful way, Sherlock grabs John's gun, wishes Magnussen a Merry Christmas and shoots him dead. Immediately after killing Magnussen, Sherlock raises his hands over his head, warns John to stand clear of him and awaits his doom. From the air, Mycroft orders the men on the ground to stand down.
Instead of incarcerating Sherlock, Mycroft arranges for him to be sent on a dangerous Eastern European mission. On the tarmac, John and Mary bid their friend and savior farewell and watch him fly away. It's then that the TV transmission is interrupted by James Moriarty (or his double), who asks Britain, "Miss me?" Sherlock has only been in the air four minutes, when Mycroft orders the plane to return. Mycroft hopes Sherlock has used those four minutes to learn his lesson. So say we all.
I'll be back ASAP with the recap. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to our new Sherlock forum where we wish you a Merry Christmas in February, because we can.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!What a funny little season, season three of Sherlock is. The first two episodes left me quite emotional. This third one is an odd duck. I suppose it evokes emotions in its own way, but not necessarily ones on which I care to dwell. During "The Empty Hearse," I feel Sherlock's joy at being home, reuniting with his friend, and his fear of Watson's reaction. Watson's earned sense of betrayal hits home, as does his relief, joy, and aggravation. Then of course there are the suspenseful bonfire and train bomb scenes. "The Sign of Three" overflows with love, laughter, and a good measure of melancholy. When watching "His Last Vow," what I mostly feel is frustration and revulsion. It's a perfectly respectable episode, and I quite enjoyed watching it, but it's not one I'll spend much time with after I put this recap to bed.
We open on the Parliamentary Commission which was announced via a graphic on Anderson's TV back in "The Empty Hearse," just above the "HAT DETECTIVE ALIVE" graphic. Lady Elizabeth Smallwood (Lindsay Duncan) and the rest of the Commission are questioning Charles Augustus Magnussen (Lars Mikkelsen), newspaper mogul, about how much influence he exerts over the British Prime Minster.
As the Commission members address Magnussen, he reads them, much as Sherlock reads those he encounters. By now, you've watched the episode, right? If not, get out of here, watch, then come back. You don't want me spoiling you.
There, now that we're rid of them, I'm free to say, I'm not going to pretend I am still misdirected by misdirections. Keeping up that pretense makes the recap too long. Magnussen fiddles with his glasses so much, you'd think this is an advertisement for Google Glass. That is, he seems to be getting information transmitted via his glasses.
On screen, thanks to the output of Magnussen's reading, we learn that Lady Smallwood is married, financially solvent, a former gymnast, has no porn preference and no vices. Her pressure point is her husband. Magnussen is recalling all of this from his own spectacular Mind Palace, which as you know because you've seen this episode, is the big twist of the episode.
We have a scene of visual misdirection, in which it appears Magnussen returns home, and descends to his vault, but you and I know it's just his Mind Palace. It's telling that the heart of his magnificent Mind Palace is such a creepy room. You know the one, with the dolls and such. It's where we first saw him, as he reviewed footage of Sherlock rescuing John from the bonfire. God, how did I not realize how creepy dolls are, when I was a little girl? I had so many dolls, I called the playroom "the dolls' room." They're just dead babies, aren't they? I had shelves of dead babies. And? I loved them.
Going through his "files" Magnussen finds a "picture" of Lady Smallwood, another of her husband, and yet another of a beautiful young woman. He runs the edge of this last "picture" against his lips, as he considers a larger version of it, which is "projected" on the "wall." I wonder if I can get Tubey to pay me extra money, each time I wrap a word in quotation marks.
We cut to Lady Smallwood sitting in a well-appointed room, reviewing paperwork. Magnussen watches her. Once they are alone, Magnussen asks to join her. Smallwood tells him it is inappropriate for them to speak, outside the inquiry. Ignoring her, Magnussen sits nearby and puts his hand over hers. Smallwood wastes no time asking him to remove it.
Magnussen ignores Lady Smallwood's request and stares at the table. "In 1982 your husband corresponded with Helen Catherine Driscoll." Smallwood specifies that was before she knew him. Magnussen: "The letters were lively, loving -- some would say explicit -- and currently in my possession." Smallwood again asks him to remove his hand from hers. Instead, from memory, Magnussen recites from one of the letters: "I long, my darling, to know the touch of your... body."
Lady Smallwood admits she knows about the letters. Magnussen says, "She was fifteen." When Smallwood says the girl looked older, Magnussen says, "Oh, she looked delicious. We have photographs too, the ones she sent him. Yum yum." Shiver shiver.
Lady Smallwood explains that her husband was unaware of Driscoll's age. They only met once before they began corresponding. Once he found out how young the girl was, he immediately ended things. "Those are the facts." Magnussen tells her facts are for history books. "I work in news."
Lady Smallwood changes the subject. "Your hand is sweating." Magnussen says it always is -- he has a condition. Shudder. Smallwood: "It's disGUSTing." You tell him, Liz. Then get the hell out of that room, run directly to the nearest sink, and wash your hands 'til your skin screams for mercy. Magnussen: "The whole world is wet to my touch." Oh, I don't think I'm going to quote this guy much more. My stomach can't take it.
Magnussen ignores Smallwood's threat to have him removed, pulls her wrist toward his face, and sniffs. "What is that? Clair de la lune? A bit young for you, isn't it?" She nearly hits him. He laughs her off as being "a little old lady, now." I don't know. I think Smallwood could at least break his nose. Of course then she'd risk contact with whatever leaked out. I'm thinking demon bile, but I watch too many fantasy shows.
Magnussen mocks her a bit more, then point out since he has the letters, he has her. When Smallwood calls him on this blackmail, he tells her it's all about ownership. Smallwood: "You do not own me." I'd thought these two were alone, but the steward (or whatever) leaves his post at the door and approaches, though he stops a bit back.
Magnussen leans in and licks Lady Smallwood, from neck to forehead. Oh, God. Oh God. "Clair de la lune. It never tastes like it smells, does it." He grabs a napkin and wipes off his tongue. Lady Smallwood sits frozen. Magnussen takes his leave, advising the steward that he'll pick up Smallwood's bill.
Cut to a Rolls Royce. Lady Smallwood is in the back, trying to wipe the Magnussen cooties off her face. When her driver asks if she's all right, Smallwood says she's fine, then mutters to herself. "Magnussen. No one stands up to him. No one dares. No one even tries. There isn't a man or woman in England capable of stopping that disgusting creature..." She stops spritzing herself with perfume and orders her driver to head back into town. Where? Come on. You know. "Baker Street." Opening Sequence.
Early morning. John and Mary are sleeping -- her hand over his. John's still having dreams though. First, he dreams of war. , Sherlock appears in his dream. "Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths." John answers that he has seen enough for a lifetime. Sherlock: "Want to see some more?" John: "Oh God, yes." In the waking world, someone is pounding on John and Mary Watson's door. Dream-Sherlock tells Sleeping-John: "The game is on."
John wakes with a start and rushes to the door to find his neighbor Kate (name supplied by Mary) weeping an apology about calling at such an early hour. John knows to nothing about Kate's circumstance, but Mary fills in the blanks while Kate (Brigid Zengeni) tries to answer questions between sobs. She's there about Isaac, who is her son, not her husband. Sheesh, John. Isaac didn't come home all night. John: "He's the drugs one, yeah?" Mary and I tell him that's nicely put.
John asks Kate if it's actually Sherlock she wants, and adds he hasn't seen him in ages. Mary corrects: "A month." Kate asks, "Who's Sherlock Holmes?" Mary gets a little kick out of that. "See? That does happen."
After getting the location of the flophouse Isaac frequents, John is out the door. Mary, still in her pajamas and robe, runs after him. John tells her she can't come along, as she's pregnant. She tells John he can't go, as she's pregnant. Then they both hop in the car and head off looking for Isaac.
When they get to the flophouse, John slides a tire iron in his pants. Mary laughs and asks what that is. John: "It's a tyre lever." Oh, two people, divided by a common language. My 13-year-old says that American English and British English were set to evolve into separate languages, but because of shared media (films, TV, books, newspapers, and especially the internet) the tide has changed. I would say I have no idea if he's right, except he is almost never wrong about anything. Besides, that feels right to me. It's at least truthy.
Mary asks why John's arming himself. John says there are loads of smack heads in the house, "...and one of them might need help with a tyre. If there's any trouble, just go. I'll be fine." When he starts off, Mary calls him back. "John, it is a tiny bit sexy." John smiles more with his eyes than his mouth. "Yeah. I know."
John knocks on the door. When a strung out man answers, John pushes his way in. The strung out man is Billy Wiggins (Tom Brooke). When Wiggins isn't inclined to help John find his friend, he pulls a knife on John. Of course John is about five yards away from him, so when Wiggins threatens to cut him, John says, "Oh, not from there," and closes the distance between them, to "help" Wiggins. Since Wiggins still isn't forthcoming with Isaac's location, John springs into soldier mode and roughs him up.
Wiggins falls to the floor. John crouches beside him and asks if he's concentrating yet. Wiggins moans that John broke his arm. John says he only sprained it. Wiggins: "It feels squishy! Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel that." John obliges, then confirms it's only a sprain. "I'm a doctor. I know how to sprain people." Finally, Wiggins suggests Isaac might be upstairs. John: "There you go. Wasn't that easy?" Wiggins: "No. It's really sore. You're mental, you are." Climbing the stairs, John says, "No. Just used to a better class of criminal."
Quite a few people are sprawled out -- drugged out -- laying around a big room. I'd describe it, but these recaps are always so long. Finally, John finds Isaac (Calvin Demba), who recognizes "Dr. Watson," and asks where he is. John: "The arse end of the universe, with the scum of the Earth. Look at me." Isaac asks if John has come for him. John laughs at the idea that he'd know many people, there.
There's a man on the mattress behind John. He's dressed in a hoodie and sweats. He rolls over and sits up partway. "Oh, hello, John." John's face freezes. Sherlock takes off his hood. "Didn't expect to see you here." John finally forces himself to face this familiar voice. Sherlock: "Did you come for me, too?"
Outside, Isaac stumbles towards the car. Mary's kind and gracious to him, but does wonder where John is. Isaac gets in the backseat. "They're having a fight." Mary: "Who is?" We cut to the...
Flophouse. Exterior. Sherlock pushes a door off its hinges and exits. "For God's sake, John. I'm on a case." John follows him down the fire escape. "A month. That's all it took. One." Sherlock jumps over the rail and down onto a handy wall. "I'm working." He hops down from there with the help of couple of small dumpsters as landing sites.
John follows. "Sherlock Holmes in a drug den! How's that gonna look?" Sherlock: I'm undercover." John yells, "No you're not." Sherlock bends his knees and halfway raises his arms, like a child about to have a temper tantrum. "Well, I'm not now!" Mary drives up and orders them to get into the car, quickly. Sherlock slides in back, to Isaac. John takes the passenger seat.
Before they can drive away, Wiggins approaches. "Please. Can I come? I think I've got a broken arm." Mary tells him to go away, but John stops her and tells Wiggins to get in the back, reminding him that his arm is only sprained. Incredulous, Mary asks if they're taking everyone home.
When Wiggins slides in to Sherlock, he says, "All right, Shezza?" John: "Shezza?!" Sherlock gives a surly, "I was undercover." Mary can't quite keep the laughter from her voice. "Seriously, Shezza, though?" John ignores Sherlock's sigh and tells Mary they're not going home. They're going to St. Bart's. "I'm calling Molly." When Mary asks why, John says, "Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar." Yeah, he does. Now stop having such fun dialogue, so I can finish this by deadline.
After completing the urinalysis, Molly snaps off her purple gloves and throws them on the table. John asks if Sherlock is clean. Molly: "Clean?" She stops walking once she's face to face with Sherlock, and gives him two sharp slaps with her right hand, and another for good measure, with her left. "How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with?" She turns to glance at John, before again addressing Sherlock. "And how dare you betray the love of your friends? Say you're sorry."
Never one to say the right thing, Sherlock says, "Sorry your engagement's over -- though I'm fairly grateful for the lack of a ring." In unison, Molly and I say, "Stop it. Just stop it." Some people are appalled by the violence of this scene. I think Molly should have gotten in at least one more slap, particularly after that ring comment.
John moves in and tells Sherlock if he was feeling this way, he should have called and talked to him. Sherlock insists this is all only about a case. When John asks what kind of case would require this, Sherlock deflects by saying he might as well ask John why he's starting biking to work.
John refuses to play this game, and ignores Sherlock's attempts. Wiggins is into it, but he's momentarily distracted. Mary has been wrapping his sprain. In response to Wiggins', "Ow," she tells him he moved his arm, but I can't help but wonder if Mary tweaked it a little, because Wiggins was about to join Sherlock in taunting John about biking to work. When she reminds her patient that his arm is only sprained, Wiggins looks at John and says, "Somebody hit me. [...] Just some guy."
John tries to redirect Wiggins from outing his violence to Mary. "Yeah, probably just some addict in need of a fix." Sherlock stares right into John's eyes. "Yes, I think in a way, it was." Not now, Sherlock.
Wiggins then returns to Sherlock's observation that John has been biking to work. He points out the creases in John's not-new shirt, and says they suggest that John keeps his shirts (they're button-ups, so they'd usually be hung in a closet, rather than folded in a drawer) folded so that they're ready to pack. He bikes to work, showers when he gets there, then puts on the clean shirt. Sherlock says, "Not bad."
Wiggins says, "And I further deduce..." Sherlock and John exchange a look. Wiggins continues: "You've only started recently, because you've got a bit of chafing." Sherlock: No. He's always walked like that. Remind me, what's your name, again?" Wiggins says, "They call me The Wig." Sherlock: "No they don't." Wiggins: "Well, they call me Wiggy." Sherlock: "Nope." Wiggins: "Bill. Bill Wiggins." Sherlock: "Nice observational skills, Billy." He's interrupted by a text message alert, which I'm happy to report does not sound like a sex moan. After reading it, he announces to the group that he's got the best news. "There's every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers. The game is on!" Sherlock dials a phone number, excuses himself for a moment, and leaves the room.
A cab returns Sherlock and John to Baker Street. On the drive, Sherlock asks John if he's heard of Charles Augustus Magnussen, then notices that the other people aren't with them. John reminds him that they talked about this. Mary is taking Isaac and Wiggins home, while John's on Sherlock duty. Sherlock says, "People were talking, none of them me. I must have filtered. [...] I have to filter out a lot of witless babble. I've got Mrs. Hudson on semi-permanent mute." Oh, poor Hudders.
When Sherlock arrives at the door of 221B, he sighs and asks, "What is my brother doing here?" John, still in the cab, grumbles about paying. Sherlock filters this out, and says, "He's straightened the knocker. He always corrects it. He's OCD. Doesn't even know he's doing it." Sherlock then pushes the knocker over to the right. When John asks him why he did it, Sherlock says, "Do what?" We can't see John's expression, but his clipped, "Nothing," betrays his amusement. Let John Watson have this small moment. It's been a hell of a morning.
Mycroft is waiting inside. He snipes at Sherlock and announces he's got a crew scouring the apartment for drugs. When Sherlock hears Anderson's voice, he's far from pleased and charges upstairs. Anderson's being assisted by a woman I don't recognize. There's all the snarking you'd expect, but this can't turn into a transcript. John wonders where his chair has gone to. Sherlock says it was blocking his view to the kitchen. John: "Well, it's good to be missed."
Mycroft notices that Sherlock's bedroom door is shut, and this is out of character. Sherlock stops him from going in there. He insists this is for a case. "Magnussen. Charles Augustus Magnussen." Mycroft turns to Anderson and his assistant and tells them they did not hear the name they just thought they heard. "If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you -- on behalf of the British Security Services -- that materials will be found on your computer hard drives resulting in your immediate incarceration. Don't reply. Just look frightened and scuttle." My word, I'm halfway out of my own room.
As Anderson and friend scurry off, Mycroft turns his attention to John. "I hope I won't have to threaten you, as well." John: "Well, I think we'd both find that embarrassing." Sherlock snorts, so Mycroft addresses him and tells him Magnussen is none of his business. "You may consider him under my protection." Sherlock says he considers Mycroft under Magnussen's thumb. Mycroft: "If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me." Sherlock: "Okay. I'll let you know if I notice."
Sherlock opens the door and bids Mycroft a "bye bye." When Mycroft says, "Unwise, brother mine," Sherlock twists big brother's arm behind his back and shoves him up against the doorjamb. "Don't appall me when I'm high, brother mine." John intervenes by pointing out Sherlock is capable and seems inclined to snap him in half. He urges Mycroft to go, without another word, then hands him his umbrella. In silence, Mycroft takes his leave.
Once they're alone, John asks about Magnussen. Sherlock is nearly filtering him out. He's off to take a bath. John asks about the case. Sherlock says it's too dangerous for any sane person to get involved. John wonders if he's trying to scare him off. Sherlock stops at the bathroom door and smiles. "God no. I'm trying to recruit you." Aw, the old gang is back together. As he disappears, Sherlock adds, "Stay out of my bedroom."
Dr. John Watson stares at the closed bedroom door and makes his way down the hall. He stops dead in his tracks when Janine opens the bedroom door, wearing nothing but a man's dress shirt. John is as boggled by this as the rest of us -- if not more so. When Janine asks if everyone is gone and if she heard Mike, John realizes she means Mycroft. I know. Me too. Mike? She asks John to put on some coffee, then points out that the coffee pot has been moved. She also refers to Sherlock as Sherl, a habit I'm afraid I've acquired and am trying desperately to dump, before I end up in a flophouse full of people who just lie around all day saying, "Sherl, Sherl, Sherl." John's head is spinning. When Janine enters the closed bathroom, and seems to join a giggling Sherlock in the tub, it's a wonder Watson's head doesn't explode.
After Sherl (sorry) is dressed John is all, "You have a girlfriend." Sherlock acknowledges he does, but immediately turns the conversation back to the dead-eyed, sharklike Magnussen. No criminal he's ever dealt with turns his stomach the way Magnussen does. John's still stuck on the girlfriend business. He states the question several ways, then asks Sherlock to elaborate.
Sherlock says, "Well, we're in a good place. It's, um... very affirming." When John says Sherlock got that affirming business from a book, Sherlock says, "Everyone got that from a book." Covering this show is a bit like covering a sitcom. Where is the room for my jokes?
Janine is dressed, now. She comes in and sits on the arm of Sherlock's chair. They're cutesy, but when Janine seems to feign more intimacy than they have, Sherlock matches her beat for beat. She proposes having Mary and John over for dinner. I think John's half convinced that back at the flophouse, someone slipped him some LSD, so he runs with it. "Dinner! Yeah!" Janine has to dash off for work, so Sherlock walks her to the door. There's more flirting and then there is kissing -- with smacky sounds. Poor John doesn't know where to look. When their lips part, Janine whispers, "Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes."
Sherlock smiles as he watches Janine leave, but as soon as she is out the door, he drops the smile and shuts the door, then starts rattling off facts about Magnussen. He's the Napoleon of blackmail. This newspaper owner uses his power and wealth to obtain information about anyone who is anyone in the Western World, and probably beyond. By then he's pulled up photos and schematics for Magnussen's fortress: Appledore.
I'm not sure John even looks at the computer screen. He's still trying to navigate Wonderland. "Dinner. [...] Me and Mary, coming for dinner, with... wine and... sitting." Sherlock can't believe he's just told John the Western World is run from Appledore, but John wants to talk about dinner. John acquiesces, so Sherlock babbles about how it's the repository for all this sensitive information. It's all hardcopy, so it can't be hacked, and it is in vaults under the impressive house.
Mrs. Hudson interrupts to tell Sherlock his doorbell rang. She's obviously out of sorts. When she returns downstairs, she's cringing as she tells the visitors to go on up. Magnussen reads Mrs. Hudson. She is Martha Louise (so nice to finally have a name for her), née Sissons. Landlady. Widow (see file). Semi-reformed alcoholic. Former "exotic dancer" (see file). She's 21% in debt (see file). Magnussen's read also deems Hudders "unimportant." Even geniuses make mistakes. Were Mrs. Hudson to leave Baker Street, England would fall. In flashing red text, we also learn her pressure point is marijuana. I've already decided that's because of her late, drug cartel running husband, and will hear no more about it.
Magnussen and two minions enter the room. While Magnussen looks around the minions pat down Sherlock and then John. John tries to warn them that he's carrying, but the minion finds the knife John confiscated from Wiggins, first. He then finds the tyre lever stashed in his pants. John: "Doesn't mean I'm not pleased to see you." No one on screen is amused by your joke, John, but those of us at home are smiling along with you. John Hamish Watson, making his own fun, and ours, since 2010.
There's some back and forth which includes Sherlock vouching for John. Magnussen is as creepy as ever. He declares Sherlock's flat is now his (Magnussen's office), then reads John. Afghanistan veteran (see file). G.P. (see file). Porn preference: normal. Finances: 10% debt (see file). Status: Unimportant. Wrong again, Mr. Magnussen. John's red, flashing pressure points are his sister Harry and his wife, Mary.
Sherlock has been hired by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood to retrieve her husband's letters. As he babbles about the letters, Magnussen reads Sherlock. Consulting Detective. Porn preference: normal. What? Finances: unknown. Brother: Mycroft Holmes, M.I. 6 (see file). Officially deceased 2011-2013.
It's the pressure points that are interesting. There are several and they keep looping. I can see: Redbeard (see file). Hounds of the Baskerville. Opium. John Watson. Irene Adler (see file). Jim Moriarty (see file). Magnussen apologizes for not listening as he was "reading." Then he says, "Redbeard." This is to catch Sherlock off guard, and it works.
Once Sherlock is back on track and returns to the subject of the Smallwood letters, Magnussen interrupts and asks where the bathroom is. A minion answers him. Sherlock keeps trying to get back to the letters. Magnussen ignores him and asks the minion if the bathroom is in the same sort of condition as the rest of the flat. It is. He does talk about how he likes Lady Smallwood and her spine, though. Then he walks behind John and Sherlock, unzips his fly, and pisses in Sherlock's fireplace. You know, I already had to stop recapping to clean my bathroom after the scene in which Magnussen licked Lady Smallwood's face. What should I clean now? Don't say fireplace.
Magnussen disparages England (he's a Dane) as the Petri dish of the Western World and who knows what else. I can't concentrate. The man just peed in Sherlock's fireplace. Thank goodness Hudders didn't have to witness that. God knows she'll probably have to clean it, though, and she is not Sherlock's housekeeper. The thing is, Sherl thinks the tea just appears on its own. At any rate, Magnussen thinks he might one day have need of the letters, so he's not inclined to deal with Sherlock on Smallwood's behalf. He lets Sherlock get a glimpse of them, though. They're stowed away in the inside pocket of Magnussen's suit coat. I know it's rather late in the recap, but would you mind if I started calling Magnussen CAM? I'm tired of typing Magnussen. You wouldn't mind? You're swell.
Once CAM and minions are gone, John takes the Lord's name in vain. Sherlock asks if he noticed the extraordinary thing CAM did. John: "There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah." John means treating the fireplace like a piss pot. Sherlock means that CAM showed them the letters. He's brought them to London, so regardless of what he says, CAM is ready to make a deal.
Sherlock puts on his Belstaff. "Magnussen only makes a deal once he's established a person's weaknesses -- the pressure point, he calls it. So, clearly he believes I'm a drug addict and no serious threat." Watching out the window, Sherlock sees a minion closing the car door. He turns back to John. "And, of course, because he's in town tonight, the letters will be in his safe in his London office, while he's out to dinner with the Marketing Group of Great Britain from 7:00 'til 10:00." John asks how he knows CAM's schedule. Sherlock: "Because I do. Right. I'll see you tonight. I've got some shopping to do." He starts out the door. John calls after him, "What's tonight?" Sherlock says he'll text instructions. John: "Yeah. I'll text you if I'm available." Sherlock: "You are. I checked."
As Sherlock exits the building, he tells John not to bring a gun. "Or a knife, or a tyre lever. Probably best not to do any arm spraining, but we'll see how the night goes." John is miffed that Sherlock assumes he'll come along. Sherlock hails a cab. "Time you got out of the house, John. You've put on seven pounds since you got married, and the cycling isn't doing it." John, please feel free to sprain something on Sherlock. John doesn't, because he's nicer than I. As Sherlock gets in the cab, John tells him, "It's actually four pounds." Sherlock answers through the cab window. "Mary and I think seven. See you later." John checks his watch and walks off. My favorite moment? When John follows Sherlock out the door, he pushes the door knocker over to the left.
Night. John and Sherlock meet in the lobby of CAM News building. (The sign really does read CAM, but the A is part of the M, if you know what I mean.) On the lobby TV we learn that M.P. John Garvie has been arrested on corruption charges. Damn it. Garvie is one of the people who questioned CAM at the Parliamentary Commission, featured in the opening scene. I didn't bother detailing CAM's read of him, in that scene, because I was thinking only Lady Smallwood's mattered. I remember Garvie is an adulterer, a recovering alcoholic, and his pressure point is his disabled daughter.
Sherlock tells John about the 14 layers of security between them and CAM's penthouse office. Only CAM's private lift (elevator, America) reaches the penthouse, and only CAM's custom keycard calls the lift. If a person with a standard keycard tries to call the lift, security will be alerted and drag him away. Sherlock nicked a standard keycard, yesterday. Using his mobile phone he corrupts the magnetic strip. Since this is a common problem, corrupt keycards don't prompt the system to alert security. Instead, the system sends a message to CAM's Personal Assistant (PA), who confirms, via security camera, that it's truly CAM trying to access the lift.
Oh Sherl. CAM's PA is Janine. Sherlock slides the card past the sensor. Janine is surprised to see him. He smiles at her as he holds up a hand to shush John's surprised exclamations. When Janine says she can't let him in, Sherlock begs her not to make him "do it out here, in front of everyone." Remember how he told John he had shopping to do? That was ring shopping. Sherlock takes a ring box out of his pocket, opens it, and shows Janine the ring. She opens the lift door. Sherlock and John enter. Sherlock reminds John that as long as there are humans, there is room for human error. Yes, Sherlock Holmes has been dating a girl, and has now bought her a ring, just to gain access to an office.
John reacts as we expect him too. Sherlock says obviously, he won't actually marry her. "There's only so far you can go." He'll tell her their relationship was a ruse to break into CAM's office, and imagines she'll want to stop seeing him at that point. Oh dear.
When they reach the penthouse, Janine is out cold, on the floor. Sherlock asks if she fainted. "Do they really do that?" John reports she has suffered a blow to the head. There's an unconscious security guard, too. When John asks if he also needs help, Sherlock does a quick read and realizes, thanks to the man's tattoos, that he's both an ex-con and a white supremacist, so he tells John to keep caring for Janine. Triage via meritocracy? Well, okay. Noticing Magnussen's seat is still warm, Sherlock says he must be upstairs. John wants to call the police, but Sherlock points out they're in the middle of their own burglary. It's then that he gets a whiff of perfume and recognizes it as Clair de la lune. John says, "Mary wears it," but Sherlock is sure he recognizes it from someone else. Hearing a distant clang, Sherlock runs up the stairs toward it. John remains behind to tend to Janine.
A female figure, dressed head-to-toe in black, has a gun trained at CAM, who is on his knees, pleading for his life. He reminds his assailant to think of her very English husband. "You're doing this to protect him from the truth, but is this the kind of protection that he wants." Sherlock has been listening from the hall. He enters the room and adds, "...if you're going to commit murder, you might consider changing your perfume, Lady Smallwood." CAM is all, "Sorry. Who? That's not Lady Smallwood, Mr. Homes." The gun-woman turns to face Sherlock. It's Mary Watson. Sherlock flashes back to his first read of her. The other words eventually evaporate, until all that's left is liar liar liar liar, etc.
Mary asks if John is there. Sherlock stammers that he's downstairs. CAM asks if she'll kill them both. Sherlock asks Mary to let him help with whatever CAM has on her. She warns him that if he takes another step, she'll kill him. Sherlock says, "No, Mrs. Watson, you won't," then takes that step. Mary shoots him in the chest. "I'm sorry, Sherlock." Her voice breaks. "I truly am."
Sherlock retreats to his Mind Palace. In Molly's lab, she talks him through the best ways to ward off death. Mind Palace Molly gets to slap Sherlock twice, which is only fitting. Through their conversation, because there was no exit wound, Sherlock, with Molly, Anderson, and Mycroft's help, figures out the best way to fall is backward. When Mind Palace Mycroft addresses him, Sherlock imagines himself when he was still a child. Wee Sherlock is played by the curly-haired, Louis Moffat (yes, that Moffat), and is adorable. After these imaginary friends talk Sherlock into falling properly, Mind Palace Molly says shock is the thing that could kill him. Mycroft tells him to find the thing in his palace that will calm him. "The east wind is coming, Sherlock. It's coming to get you." Sherlock imagines Mary (still in her bridal finery) shooting him. He rushes through the halls of his Mind Palace until he finds his dog -- Redbeard. Adult Sherlock greets the dog, but Wee Sherlock pets Redbeard, too. Adult Sherlock says, "They're putting me down too, now. It's no fun. Is it?"
Mind Palace Molly warns Sherlock that without the shock, he'll feel the pain. He must control it. He finds a padded cell in his Mind Palace. Moriarty is there, in a straight jacket and chains. He's as over the top crazy as ever. Back in the real world, John finds his ailing friend, asks a smirking CAM who shot Sherlock, then calls an ambulance.
Mind Palace Moriarty sing songs, "It's raining. It's pouring. Sherlock is boring. It's raining. I'm crying. Sherlock is dying." We cut back and forth from the palace to the real world, 'til it's not clear if scenes, like those in the hospital, are real or just other images from the mind of Sherlock Holmes. It's Moriarty's taunts about letting down John Watson when he's in such danger (from that wife) that make Sherlock fight back against death. He pushes he way out of the padded cell and back up the stairs. The doctors (real or imagined) who seemed to have given up on Sherlock, notice he's moving. Sherlock lives. Again.
Sometime the day, Mary finds John at the hospital. Sherlock is finally awake. John teases Mary about being in trouble. She forces her tone to stay light as she asks why. John says Sherlock's first waking word was, "Mary." Later, when she's alone with a semi-conscious Sherlock, Mary warns Sherlock that he's not to tell John. There's a cut to CAM considering Mary's "file" as he whispers that she's a bad, bad girl. Back in Sherlock's hospital room, Mary repeats her warning.
Some time later, Sherlock wakes fully, only to see various tabloids bearing headlines that scream about Shag-a-lot Holmes. Janine is visiting. It seems she sold her story enough times to buy a Sussex Downs cottage. She tells Sherlock he is a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard. He says she's a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry tabloid whore. Janine: "So, we're good, then?" Sherlock: "Of course." After light chat about her cottage, Sherlock gasps in pain. Janine admits to shutting off his morphine. He turns the dosage up high, and asks how much more revenge she'll need. Janine says, "Just the occasional top up." More seriously, she gives him an earnest chiding about how much he lied to her. He says he exploited their connection. Janine: "When? [...] Just once would have been nice." Sherlock soon gets her drift. "I was waiting until we got married." She kisses him before she rushes off to her interview, but makes sure to let him know that while she knows what kind of man he is, they could have been friends. As she leaves, she says she'll give his love to John and Mary.
Alone, Sherlock lowers his morphine dosage again, then retreats to his Mind Palace, where Mary again tells him not to tell John. He asks her who she is. Liar is all over the screen. Back in the hospital room, Sherlock draws a deep breath, as if to summon his strength.
Out in the corridor, John leads Lestrade to Sherlock's room. Greg can't wait to take a video of Sherlock off his game, but when they get to the room, it's empty. John calls Mary. Cut to Lestrade, who lists Sherlock's three known bolt-holes. Cut to Mycroft who says there are five. Cut to Molly who admits her bedroom is one. Cut to Hudders, who says he'll go behind the clockface at Big Ben. John suggests this is a joke, but Mrs. Hudson scoffs and says she thinks not. Cut to Anderson telling Mary that Leinstar Gardens is Sherlock's number one bolt hole. His assistant offers that Anderson stalked him, there. Anderson corrects: "Followed!"
At 221B, John tells Lestrade and Hudders that Sherlock saw who shot him. Lestrade wonders if he's tracking the shooter, himself. John suggests he might be protecting someone. Lestrade tells him to call if he hears anything. Alone with Mrs. Hudson, he asks why Sherlock thinks he might be moving back in. Hudders: "Oh, he's put your chair back, hasn't he?" John notices a bottle of Clair de la lune perfume on the occasional table. He's stunned enough that he doesn't immediately answer his phone, even after Mrs. Hudson tells him it's Sherlock calling.
Cut to Leinster Gardens. Mary passes a beggar, but when he pleads with her a second time, she softens and goes to hand him a few bob. He grabs her hand. It's Wiggins. "Rule one of looking for Sherlock Holmes. He finds you." He hands her a mobile phone. As Wiggins heads off, the phone rings. It's Sherlock. He leads her to his location by telling her to look for the Lie of Leinster Gardens. "People live here for years and never see it, but if you are what I think you are, it'll take you less than a minute. The houses, Mary. Look at the houses. [...] I knew you'd talk to the people no one else would bother with. [...] You're always clever, Mary. I was relying on that. I planted the information for you to find."
Mary finally spots two dark houses that catch her eye. She asks what she's looking at. Sherlock says, "No door knobs, no letter box. Painted windows. Twenty-three and twenty-four Leinster Gardens. The empty houses. They were demolished years ago to make way for the London Underground, a vent for the old steam trains. Only the very front section of the house remains. It's just a façade. Remind you of anyone, Mary? A façade."
Mary stops in her tracks when a picture of her face (from her wedding day) is projected onto the façade. Sherlock says, "Sorry. I never could resist a touch of drama. Do come in. It's a little cramped." When Mary asks Sherlock if he owns the place, he admits that he does. "I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal. Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a... straight flush." Oh Sherlock, you deserve another Molly-slap for that.
Mary enters the door that's slightly ajar. At the other end of a long, dim, corridor, sits a shadowy figure, with a morphine pump at its side. Mary asks Sherlock what he wants. He says, "Mary Morstan was stillborn in October 1972. Her gravestone is in Chiswick Cemetery where -- five years ago -- you acquired her name and date of birth, and thereafter, her identity. That's why you don't have friends from before that date." In a flashback to a wedding planning scene, Sherlock tells Mary her side of the church is a bit thin. She shrugs it off as the orphan's lot.
Via flashbacks, Sherlock reminds Mary of how she figured out she was receiving skip-coded text messages. He praises her extraordinary memory, while we watch her remember Major Sholto's room number. When he asks her how good a shot she is, she takes out her gun, cocks it and asks how badly he wants to know. He reminds her that if his body is found in a building with her picture projected on the front, even Scotland Yard could solve the case.
Sherlock again encourages Mary to show him what a good shot she is. She takes out a coin, flips it, and shoots. Sherlock approaches her from behind. No longer talking to her over the phone, he asks to see the coin. She kicks it over to him. There's a bullet hole right through it. Mary laughs as she realizes the seated figure is a dummy. Oh Mary, if you think it's a dummy, imagine how he feels. Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Sherlock is weak, but that doesn't stop him from talking. He figures if Mary can get a clean shot at a moving coin, but didn't kill him from six feet away, "...that wasn't a miss. It was surgery." He asks why she didn't come to him for help. Mary says John can never find out she lied to him. She won't let it happen. There's nothing she won't do. Sherlock flips on the lights. The dummy at the other end of the hall begs to differ. When he rises, Mary realizes it's John. Sherlock advises them to talk and sort this out, quickly. We cut to...
The Holmes' Family Home. Mycroft complains it's been Christmas Day for a week. You know, when the people who aren't doing all the cooking complain about that, I want Molly to come slap them. Mother Holmes asks "Mikey" (omg) if it's his laptop on her table. Mycroft can't figure out why they're doing "this" (i.e. Christmas dinner), since they never do. Mother Holmes reminds him they're happy Sherlock is home from the hospital. Mycroft: "Am I happy, too? I haven't checked." Mother: "Behave, Mike." Mycroft: "Mycroft is the name you gave me, if you could possibly struggle all the way to the end."
When Billy Wiggins hands Mrs. Holmes a glass of punch, she can't quite figure out why he's there. Sherlock invited him. Wiggins starts exaggerating his role in Sherlock's life. Sherlock shuts down every overstatement. Mycroft snarks about how fun it is when Sherlock brings his friends around. Mother says, "Stop it, you. Somebody's put a bullet in my boy, and if I ever find out who, I shall turn absolutely monstrous." I love her. Spotting a cup of tea, she comments that it's meant for Mary and hustles off to bring it to her.
Mary's in another room with Father Holmes. Mother tells Mary if he starts humming to give him a poke. Mary is reading The Dynamics of Combustion, which was written by M.L. Holmes. She asks Mother if she wrote it. Mother: "Oh, that silly old thing. You mustn't read that. Mathematics must seem terribly fatuous, now." Turning to Father, who is humming, she tells him to stop it, then pats him on the behind and leaves.
Alone again, Mary and Father have a sweet conversation, where he confesses his wife is a genius, while he is "something of a moron." So Mycroft is Mother, and Sherlock is Father. Father also admits his wife is a flake, and "...unbelievably hot." Charmed, Mary giggles. "Oh my God, you're the sane one, aren't you?" They're interrupted by John, and Mr. Holmes immediately picks up on the tension between them, so he leaves to give them their space. Outside in the hall, Father asks Sherlock if the Watsons are all right. Sherlock says they've had their up and downs. We flashback to...
Leinster Gardens. Mary and John are still facing each other in that dim corridor. Sherlock tells them, "Baker Street. now." John brushes past a tearful Mary. We cut to 221B. Mrs. Hudson is there. When she sees Sherlock, she tells him he looks terrible. He asks her to get some morphine from her kitchen, as he's run out. I wait to see if this was another thing CAM missed, but it's just Sherlock's pain talking. Hudders has no morphine (at least not as far as she'll admit). Sherlock shouts, "Then what exactly is the point of you?" Tsk.
Hudders wants to know what's going on. Sherlock says the Watsons are about to have "a domestic." John asks if everyone he's ever met is a psychopath. Sherlock flicks his gaze toward the ceiling, as he considers, then says, "Yes." Cut to Mary who nods. When Sherlock tries to take control of the conversation, John screams at him to shut up. This is no time to be funny.
Seething, he approaches Mary and asks what he's done in his whole life to deserve her. Sherlock tells him it's everything he's done in his whole life. John warns him to shut up, but Sherlock says he's serious. "You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month, without storming a crack den and beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath, who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel."
Mrs. Hudson says, "It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing." Sherlock asks about her exotic dancing. Hudders: "Sherlock Holmes, if you've been Youtube-ing..." Oh dear, I have to go bleach my brain.
Sherlock turns to his best friend. "John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You're abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?" John says Mary wasn't supposed to be like that. "Why is she like that?" Sherlock says, "Because, you chose her."
In a nice callback to John's reaction when he found out Sherlock faked his death (with the help of about 30 people, all of whom, but John, knew the truth), John starts shouting. "Why is everything always MY FAULT?" He kicks a chair. Hudders jumps, mutters about the neighbors and takes off. It's then that Sherlock gets him to focus. Right now, Mary isn't his wife, she isn't the mother of his child. She's their client. Sherlock doesn't have to say the word, he just leads John to it. John gets Mary a chair and orders her to sit, "...because that's where they sit. [...] that's who you are now, Mary. You're a client. [...] and we decide whether we want you, or not." Sherlock takes his usual seat. John flops in his own. Mary sits, last. We flash forward to...
Christmas at the Holmes' Home. Mary's a bit sarcastic about John deigning to talk to her. He takes out the flash drive. It's labeled A.G.R.A. In a flashback to 221B, Mary admits those are her real initials, and begs John that if he's ever loved her at all, not to read it in front of her, because he won't love her by the time he gets to the end, and she can't bear to see that happen. John slips the drive in a pocket.
Once Mary asks Sherlock how much he already knows, he says, "By your skill set, you are -- or were -- an Intelligence Agent. Your accent is currently English, but I suspect you are not. You're on the run from something. You've used your skills to disappear. Magnussen knows your secret, which is why you were going to kill him, and I assume you befriended Janine in order to get close to him."
Mary laughs. "Oh. You can talk." When Sherlock smiles at her, John says, "Oh, look at you two. You should have got married." Mary says, "The stuff Magnussen has on me -- I would go to prison for the rest of my life." John: "So you were just gonna kill him?" Mary: "People like Magnussen should be killed. That's why there are people like me." John's thrilled at the implication that his wife was an assassin. "How could I not see that?" Mary says he did see it. "And you married me, because he's right. It's what you like."
Sherlock, clearly in pain, asks Mary if Magnussen has any documents on her that she would like extracted and returned. Mary: "Why would you help me?" Sherlock says he'd help, because she saved his life, which leaves John quite confused. Sherlock says, "When I happened on you and Magnussen, you had a problem. More specifically, you had a witness." Via a flashback, to the shooting scene, Sherlock narrates that while killing both CAM and himself was the simple solution, sentiment got the better of Mary. She shot Sherlock to incapacitate him, so that she could later negotiate him into silence. She couldn't shoot CAM, because then John would become a suspect. She counted on CAM to leverage her involvement, instead of reporting it to the police. John asks how Mary saved Sherlock's life. Sherlock says she called the ambulance. John says he called. Sherlock says Mary called first. John wouldn't find him for another five minutes. "Left to you, I would have died. The average arrival time for a London ambulance is..."
Paramedics rush into 221B. "Did somebody call an ambulance?" Sherlock looks at his watch. "Eight minutes." Sherlock needs his morphine. The paramedics are confused. "We were told there was a shooting." Sherlock says, "There was. Last week." He gives his symptoms and prognosis, and nearly collapses. Before Sherlock leaves, he cautions John that CAM is all that matters now. "You can trust Mary. She saved my life." John reminds Sherlock Mary shot him. Sherlock: "Mixed messages, I grant you that." He collapses onto the stretcher. Mary eyes John from across the room. We flash forward to...
Christmas at the Holmes' Home. Mary asks John if he's read the contents of the flash drive. John asks her to come to him. She's reluctant at first, but finally does. Her baby bump is quite large, now. John looks at his wife -- the mother of his unborn child. "I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. These are prepared words, Mary. I've chosen these words with care." When she says, "Okay," John clears his throat. After a moment, he says, "The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future... are my privilege. It's all I have to say. It's all I need to know." Mary's face positively crumples. When John throws the flash drive in the fire, her tears begin to flow. John says he didn't read the drive. In a choked voice, Mary says he doesn't even know her name. John: "Is Mary Watson good enough for you?" Mary cries, "Yes. Oh God, yes."
John takes Mary in his arms and whispers, "All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you." Mary, still crying, says, "I know, I know." John: "I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then." Again, Mary says she knows, but this time, she says it three times. John's voice is soft as he adds, "You can mow the sodding lawn from now on." When Mary says she does mow the lawn, John insists he does it, "loads." Mary says he really doesn't. John: "I choose the baby's name." Mary: "Not a chance." John says, "Okay." They hug, again. We cut...
Outside. Sherlock and Mycroft smoke their Christmas cigarette as they talk about Magnussen. Sherlock hates him because he preys upon those who are different and can't understand why Mycroft doesn't feel the same. Mycroft writes CAM off as a necessary evil, "...not a dragon, for you to slay." Sherlock asks if Mycroft thinks of him as a dragon slayer. Mycroft: "No. It's what you think of yourself."
Mother pops her head out the cottage door. "Are you two smoking?" The boys hide their cigarettes behind their backs. While Mycroft says, "No!" Sherlock says, "It was Mycroft." Ha. See. They leave me no room for jokes at all. Mother glares at them and shuts the door. Once she's gone, Mycroft presents Sherlock with a job offer that he wants him to decline. It involves a dangerous M.I.6 Eastern European assignment that would leave Sherlock dead in six months. Sherlock: "Then why don't you want me to take it?" Mycroft: "It's tempting, but on balance you have more utility closer to home." Sherlock demands to know how he has utility. Mycroft says, "Here be dragons." Mycroft's cigarette isn't agreeing with him, so he throws it down, to head inside. Sherlock teases him about smoking like a beginner. Mycroft stops before he gets to the door. Without turning to face his little brother, he confesses: "Also, your loss would break my heart." Sherlock chokes, then asks, "What the hell am I supposed to say to that?" Mycroft turns to face him. "Merry Christmas?" Sherlock points out that Mycroft hates Christmas. Mycroft says, "Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch." Well, Wiggins was serving it. Sherlock says, "Clearly. Go and have some more."
Back inside, Mary and John are still hugging. They realize Sherlock brought them there to meet his sweet parents and see a fine example of a lasting marriage. After John says it's best to expect the unexpected from Sherlock, Mary passes out. Alarmed, John calls her name as he lowers her to the chair. Sherlock pops in the room. "Don't drink Mary's tea." Father, Mother, and Mycroft are all out cold, as well. Sherlock calls back to John, "Or the punch." John's alarmed that Sherlock drugged his pregnant wife. Sherlock's assurance that Wiggins is an excellent chemist doesn't really make it all better. It's time to deal with the devil. We flash back to a...
Cafe. Sherlock, still wearing his johnny and still attached to his morphine drip, waits for CAM, who asks him if he shouldn't still be in the hospital. This must be right after Sherlock's great escape. Sherlock wants CAM to invite him to Appledore. Sherlock still thinks CAM gets information transmitted to him via his glasses, because he hasn't seen this recap. When he puts on the specs, he's shocked they're ordinary. CAM looks at the IV set-up, then adds "morphine" as an additional Sherlock pressure point. Since the first list included opium, I'm not sure that's worth the imaginary ink, but okay, CAM. What is not okay is your finger in Sherlock's pasta, picking off his plate with your fingers, cleaning said fingers in his glass of water, then flicking the water off your fingers, and back onto the remains of Sherlock's lunch, not that he'll touch another bite of it, now. Ugh! Sherlock ignores all this and again tempts CAM to show him Appledore. CAM asks what he gets out of the deal. Sherlock says he'll give him a Christmas present. "My brother." We flash forward to...
Christmas at the Holmes' Home. John is trying to digest the insanity. Sherlock grabs Mycroft's laptop. A helicopter arrives to ferry them off. John thinks this is crazy, but admits he wants Mary to be safe. Sherlock says, "Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we've ever encountered, and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us."
When John points out that it's Christmas, Sherlock breaks out in a huge grin. "I feel the same." Off John's expression, he adds, "Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas. Did you bring your gun as I suggested?" John: "Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?" Sherlock passes John's coat to him. "Is it in your coat?" Exasperated, John takes it from him. "Yes." Sherlock: "Off we go, then." When John asks where they're headed, Sherlock says, "Appledore."
CAM is waiting for our boys, when they arrive. It's his corporate helicopter that fetched them, after all. Storm clouds gather above his posh, ultra-modern house. CAM is watching the video of Sherlock rescuing John from the bonfire. Sherlock realizes CAM arranged John's kidnapping. CAM says it was hard to find a pressure point on Sherlock. Perhaps he should have spoken to the graphic people who listed a half dozen or so (when all the other characters had one). I guess those were there before CAM could eliminate them. Sherlock would never care about exposure, but he cares about John Watson.
CAM assures them he's not a murderer, unlike Mary. He explains how leverage works. Mycroft is the most powerful man in the country (other than CAM), and Mycroft's pressure point is Sherlock. Sherlock's pressure point is John. John's pressure point is Mary. Since CAM owns Mary, he owns Mycroft. "He's what I'm getting for Christmas." Sherlock corrects him. "It's an exchange, not a gift." CAM grabs the laptop and says he already has it. Sherlock points out it's password protected. For all CAM's information on Mary, Sherlock will give him the password.
CAM taunts John about how bad Mary is, and how John might like that. Sherlock stays focused. He wants everything CAM has on Mary. CAM laughs at them both. He knows Mycroft's laptop must have a GPS locator. "By now, your brother will have noticed the theft, and security services will be converging on this house. Having arrived, they'll find top secret information in my hands, and have every justification to search my vaults. They will discover further information of this kind and I'll be imprisoned. You will be exonerated and restored to your smelly little apartment to solve crimes with Mr. and Mrs. Psychopath." He gazes at John before returning his attention to Sherlock. "Mycroft has been looking for this opportunity for a long time. He'll be a very, very proud big brother."
Sherlock says, "The fact that you know it's going to happen isn't going to stop it." CAM asks, "Then why am I smiling? Ask me." John takes the bait. CAM says, "Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves, and everything he holds dear." Standing, he adds, "Let me show you the Appledore vaults."
CAM leads them through the house to a set of closed doors. When he opens it, there is no staircase (like we've seen in the Mind Palace scene), no bookshelves, no creepy room with creepy dolls. It's a plain, white room, with one black chair. CAM says there are no vaults beneath the house. Sitting in the chair, he says, "They're all in here." They're all in his head. They're all in his Mind Palace. Sherlock gulps as CAM blathers on about going to his memory vaults. After a quick a cut to the creepy "room", we watch CAM mime as if he's flipping through files. "This is one of my favorites." In his mind he's looking at Mary's file. There's a picture of her in it. "Oh, it's so exciting. All those wet jobs for the CIA. Ooh, she's gone a bit ... freelance now. Bad girl. Ahh, she is so wicked. I can really see why you like her." All the while, we're cutting between the creepy "room" and closed-eyed CAM in the white room. If you didn't believe he was evil before now, just remember, he's miming.
Back in the real world, CAM asks them if they see. John says, "So there are no documents. You don't actually have anything here." CAM admits that sometimes he'll send out for something if he needs to, but mostly he remembers it all. John shakes his head. "I don't understand." CAM tells him he should have that on a T-shirt. I like the "I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes" tee better, thank you very much. CAM explains that knowing is owning. He needs no proof. He's in news. He doesn't have to prove anything. He just has to print it.
CAM rises, and buttons his jacket. "Speaking of news, you'll both be heavily featured tomorrow -- trying to sell state secrets to me. Let's go outside. They'll be here shortly. Can't wait to see you arrested."
After CAM walks off, John asks Sherlock if they have a plan. Sherlock can't answer. John follows CAM outside and admits he still doesn't understand. CAM says, "And there's the back of the T-shirt." John asks how just knowing things works. By then, Sherlock is making his way out, to join them. CAM says, "I just love your little soldier face. I'd like to punch it. Bring it over here a minute." John looks to Sherlock. CAM continues to taunt him. "Come on. For Mary. Bring me your face." John approaches. CAM: "Lean forward a bit and stick your face out. Please?" Leaning in, CAM says, "Now, can I flick it?" He flicks John's cheek several times as he gushes about how he loves doing it. If I didn't have to pay the replacement cost myself, I'd be throwing things at my TV.
Sherlock is trying to shut out this indignity being done to the finest man he has ever known, by the man he hates most in all the world. As the flicks continue, CAM tells John, "It works like this, John. I know who Mary hurt and killed. I know where to find people who hate her. I know where they live. I know their phone numbers. All in my Mind Palace. All of it. I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down, and I will, unless you let me flick your face." He flicks John a few more times. Were Sherlock's eyes armed with lasers, CAM would already be a pile of ash. The explanation continues. "This is what I do to people. This is what I do to whole countries, just because I know. Can I do your eye now?"
John averts his gaze for a moment. CAM: "See if you can keep it open, hmm?" He flicks John's eyebrow, thank goodness, and not his eyeball. Still, John naturally flinches. CAM snickers and flicks him, again. "Come on, for Mary. Keep it open." John says, "Sherlock?" Sherlock's voice is soft and full of regret. "Let him. I'm sorry. Just... let him." John is at the boiling point.
CAM says, "Come on. Eye open." He flicks again. John keeps blinking. CAM laughs. "It's difficult, isn't it? Janine managed it, once." At that, he looks to Sherlock. "She makes the funniest noises." The flick session is interrupted by the sound of an approaching helicopter. Armed men on the ground approach. From the helicopter, over a loud speaker, Mycroft tells Sherlock Holmes and John Watson to step away from "that man."
Sherlock turns to CAM. "To clarify, Appledore's vaults only exist in your mind, nowhere else, just there?" CAM admits they've never existed elsewhere. Again, Mycroft orders Sherlock and John away from "that man." CAM yells to Mycroft that John and Sherlock are harmless. A police officer announces that the target isn't armed.
John asks Sherlock what they can do. CAM says, "Nothing. There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain. I have no evil plan. I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry. No chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes."
Sherlock looks at John, the man for whom he made his first and last vow always to do whatever necessary, to protect him, Mary, and the baby to be. Over the speaker, Mycroft again says, "Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man. Do it now." Sherlock snaps at CAM to do his research, then sneaks John's gun out of his coat pocket. "I'm not a hero. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Merry Christmas." With that, he shoots CAM in the head, then drops the gun and raises his hands in the air. He warns John to stand well away from him. Mycroft barks at the men on the ground not to shoot Sherlock Holmes. The gunmen's sights are still trained on Sherlock. John hisses, "Oh Christ, Sherlock." Sherlock says, "Give my love to Mary." When Mycroft looks down at his brother, and says to himself, "Oh Sherlock, what have you done," he sees Wee Sherlock, the boy who mourned Redbeard. Tears stream down the child's face, and mine.
Mycroft addresses some bigwigs about how to handle his brother's punishment. Lady Smallwood is present. I don't think I noted it in this recap, but her husband killed himself. I can't remember in which scene we learn that news (it's via the paper or TV). Mycroft says there will always be a time when we need Sherlock Holmes. A man asks Mycroft if this is just familial sentiment. Mycroft says, "Don't be absurd. I am not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion. You know what happened to the other one." WHAT OTHER ONE?
It's decided that Sherlock will take on M.I.6's dangerous, Eastern European assignment. Lady Smallwood seems distressed as she notes that's hardly a compassionate alternative. She's too polite to say it, but I'm quite sure she's glad the face licker is dead, particularly since his machinations prompted her husband to take his own life. I'm not making that up, right? I looked out for it all during the recap-related rewatches and missed it, but I know I saw it once. Mycroft tells Lady Smallwood, "Regrettably, Lady Smallwood, my brother is a murderer."
We cut to the airport. Out on the tarmac, Mary, John, Mycroft are bidding Sherlock goodbye. It's touching, of course, where Sherlock and John are concerned. Mary too -- she promises to keep John in trouble. The men's stiff handshake is a bit formal, after they spoiled me last episode with a big hug. For heaven's sake, boys, Sherlock is going to his death. Again. The best part is when Sherlock tells John all four of his names: William Sherlock Scott Holmes, in case the Watsons are looking for a baby name. After John says the scan indicates they're expecting a daughter, Sherlock tries to pass off Sherlock as a girl's name. After some more talk, including Sherlock telling John how rubbish big brother Mycroft used to scare his small self with warnings about the east wind coming to get him, John watches as Sherlock boards the plane. We cut to...
London. Greg Lestrade is in a pub. Mrs. Hudson is at home. The TV transmission is interrupted by James Moriarty asking if we missed him. Hudders screams. Greg is aghast. We cut to Molly who has clearly seen the transmission, too. Someone apprises Lady Smallwood of the situation. She asks if the Prime Minister has been told. "And Mycroft?"
Still at the airport, Mycroft says to someone over the phone that it's simply not possible. John asks what's happened. We cut to the inside of Sherlock's plane. An attendant hands him a phone and says it's his brother calling. Mycroft: "Hello, little brother. How is the exile going?" Sherlock: "I've only been gone four minutes." Mycroft: "Well, I certainly hope you've learned your lesson. As it turns out, you're needed." Sherlock: "Oh, for God's sake. Make up your mind. Who needs me this time?" As Moriarty's question is broadcast throughout the land, Mycroft answers, "England."
Still on the tarmac, Mary speaks for all of us when she says Moriarty is dead and this is impossible. John agrees and confirms Jim blew out his own brains. Mary asks how he can be back. After "The Empty Hearse," John Watson is too smart to try to answer that question. Instead, he says, "Well, if he is, he'd better wrap up warm. There's an East Wind coming." Sherlock's plane lands. Hurrah!" After the closing credits, Moriarty appears on our screens, in living color. "Miss me?" Not in the slightest, you psychopath.
I'll be back some year with coverage of Sherlock, maybe. Who knows? In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to our new Sherlock forum where we wish you a Merry Christmas in February and hope that by the time Christmas comes, Sherlock isn't far behind.