Let There Be Light

Cha cha cha! Splash-y bus.

The door to Carrie's apartment opens. She's in a pink skirt and black blouse, with actual strands of pearls instead of that played tromp l'oeil thing Elizabeth Hasselback and everyone used to do. She enters with mail in her mouth (ew), and she VOs something about "searching for the perfect male." And so, it begins: the groaning, the puns, the obvious lines, and the repeated notion that all women really want is a MAYUN to fill the void inside us. I mean, god. In a sense, it's true and it fits and the show is at times apt and funny, and in another sense, it makes me want to scream "GET A LIFE!" and "SHUT UP, CARRIE," and throw away my lipsticks and remind every male on the planet that they should be fighting for our companionship, not the other way around. Men should be teetering around on uncomfortable shoes, giving out the oral sex on a regular basis, watching what they eat, shaving. I think men should be portrayed as desperate, and not only once a decade, as in the case of the film Swingers. Men are called "horny," and women "desperate," and it really rankles me. On the other hand, this is a thoroughly modern show, and it has had an impact on the world of women at large. Notice how I said "had." Yeah, S&TC is in the death throes, so step back and watch the final heaving gasps. This one, plus seven more. It should be an interesting two months. Or the other thing. So yeah, Carrie gets a letter from Aleksandr, on lovely stationary, asking her to go for a walk with him. The "perfect mail."

Central Park. Walkage. Carrie is in a taupe velvet coat and blue blouse and purple flouncy prairie skirt (barf) and...pink ankle boots? It's like Stevie Nicks ate Prince, then barfed him up in the Little House on the Prairie. Then Laura Ingalls and Davy Jones had a monster baby and raised it in the dark, dressed it, and sent it out to the park to have a walk with Baryshnikov.

They walk, and he whines about how Carrie didn't fuck him on their first and only date, three weeks ago. Then they sit down, and he whips out chocolates from Lilac, which I love. Milk and dark. She asks if he has a mousetrap in his pocket, his response to which is, "Eh? What's that? A whimsy, you say? The HELL you say!" Yeah, Carrie's not that funny. He asks, "Light or dark?" She takes one and bites it. He bites her neck. Hey, a light reference! It's referencing the title of the episode! Wow, that's awful meaningful!

Perfume counter. The four girlfriends. Together again. Shopping for stinkwater. Char is wondering what smell she is. I'd say Pilgrim by Nicole Miller. Or maybe Old Money, by Ralph Lipschitz. I mean, "Lauren." She asks if she's "peppermint musk," and I shudder. That would be like Charlotte ordering a shot of Goldschlager and a can of Black Label. Char has to be a classic perfume person. Carrie announces that she's "taking a LOVAH. Yes, a LOVAH." Miranda says dubiously, "The old guy?" Yup. Carrie says, "My LOVAH is not old, he is worldly and wise, and very sexy." Straight up, though, he's old. And SJP is thirty-nine. Still hot and well put together, but thirty-nine is not spring chickenly, either. Baryshnikov is probably pushing sixty. Yowee. I could never. I like 'em young. They're just fresher that way. Older dudes have that thousand-yard-stare thing in romantic moments, like they're veterans of a war. The war of looove. But Carrie is too taken with the idea, and the sound of the word "LOVAH," and says it like a hundred more times as the four friends squirt each other, sometimes aggressively, with things called "cucumber basil" and "pomegranate patchouli." Char thinks Aleksandr could be more than a LOVAH, and Carrie says it's only going to "LOVAHville." Oh, really? What about the stops at Handholdington? Snugglesburg? Cuddlewicken? And final stop, Couplehocken? Char asks Mir what's going on with her and Steve. Carrie singsongs something about Mir and Steve "sitting in a tree," always a classic. Then she goes, "First comes BABY." Hey, drink every time they mention the baby! If you see the baby, drink twice. Mir's happy she and Steve are back together. Now let's all have a moment of silence in remembrance of Blair Underwood's sexy naked ass. Sigh.

Elevator, Miranda's building. She and Steve get on, congratulate each other on their "lucky" happiness, and begin to make out. The elevator stops, the doors open, and Robert gets on. He seethes, doesn't say hi, and generally gives off totally hurt-yet-offensive vibes as all three ride down in uncomfortable silence. Mir manages a weak, "Hi." Robert gets out, "Well, if it isn't the happy couple." Steve says, "How are you?" The doors open on the ground floor. Robert steps off, saying sarcastically, "Y'all have a nice day."

Char and Anthony (Mario Cantone, I'm kvelling! I wonder if he ever goes to Dick's Bar?) walk in the park. He begs her to stop yammering about getting preggers with Harry's baby and not bothering to get a job since she's gonna be preggers with the baby, and should she volunteer to do something to kill time before she's pregnant? Seriously. Shut up, Charlotte. He begs her to say something bitchy about someone they both know. That's why I love my friends; I never have to beg them to say something bitchy, nor they of me. It's just an unspoken understanding between us. Love means never having to ask to shit-talk. Then he asks her to "look at the light," and she thought he meant a larger, broader kind of light, like wisdom sort of (ding ding ding!), and he just meant the light in the tree over there. Then Char sees a blind guy (whoop whoop!) and she thinks volunteering for the blind would be cool. What could be worse than being blind on a beautiful day like today? Mario says, "Stone-washed jeans and a matching jacket." Heh. Don't forget the goddamn purple prairie skirt.

Carrie gets a bikini wax, red shoe in the air. She asks the Russian beauty tech how to say "hello" and "thank you" in Russian, and makes "eeeh!" "yaaah!" faces as the tech rips wax out of her coochie. Whatever.

Mir, in a purple hound's-tooth Prada-esque skirt and vintage-looking green woven jacket, takes the stairs down. She runs into Robert, on the way up. She says hi and he dashes up, ignoring her. She's all, "Hey!" and "I guess I deserve that. Steve and I just fell back in love." He's salty. "What was I, the half-time entertainment?" Ooh. I don't often talk about my personal life in recapping this show. Wouldn't it be a clich, anyway? If you want to read about my love life, do a TWoP search for "Tales from Alex's Harem." They're in the Jake 2.0 recaps. BUT. I had an ex who sort of was the half-time entertainment for one of his exes. I thought it was so lame. I mean, imagine dating someone who had an ex, and they complained about that ex the whole time you were dating. Then they throw you over and go back to the person they were complaining about? It's infuriating. So I can see why Robert's steamed. Mir says she never thought she and Steve would get back together, and she hopes Robert can forgive her. He says sure, and she hopes she won't mind getting his "bill. For services rendered?" His "stud fee." She's all, whaaa? He says he understands. She's a "busy working mom. To busy to cook, call Hunan Kitchen. To busy to fuck? Call Robert. Fast food, fast fuck!" That sounds like Samantha talking. Mir protests that he was not "a fast fuck." Noo. He was "slow. Niice and slow. Just the way [Mir] liked it." Then he does an imitation of Mir in bed, squealing, "Oooh, Robert! No man has ever been this deep!" Oh, that is so uncool, to throw someone else's stupid pillow talk back in her face! He looks like he's enjoying himself. She looks embarrassed beyond belief.

Mir bursts through her apartment door. Steve is playing with Brady. Baby! Drink! Mir blurts out that she gave Robert "custody of the elevator." What? That is retarded. Steve all, you saw Robert? "How bad was it?" She wails, "Huug meee!" He does, and she babbles on about how Robert is "crazy in love" with her and the sexual acting out on the staircase. Steve blanches, then hugs her again.

Carrie and Aleksandr come in from another date. She says "thank you" and "yes" in Russian as they get off the elevator and come into his apartment. His studio is the other half of the floor of the building. He's got a fabulous view, too, which Carrie says is all right "if you like that whole night/sky thing." He says, "There's a lovely light in the morning." Gong gong gong! Oh, and Carrie, I can see your black bra under your satin dress. He asks if she wants "fruit" or a "martini" (maybe a combination of both? Nah, make it a blueberry smoothie and a Manhattan), and she asks to see the bedroom.

Bedroom. Aleksandr unlaces Carrie's dress, but leaves on her bra. They kiss. Then he kisses down her neck and to the small of her back. He lies on his side, kissing her back, as Carrie's face is slightly turned to the side, her wavy hair obscuring her face. Um, weird. Then Carrie VOs that her Russian is crappy but she "speaks lover very well." Ew! Like she was a virgin before or something. Yeah, get back on that bicycle, Carrie! Pedal pedal pedal! Good for you, you're fucking!