Cut to Char and Harry having dinner. Char blanches when he orders the tenderloin of pork. That's right, he's a Jew who eats pork! He's breaking the rules! He's blowing your mind! Char doesn't understand how he can eat pork but not want to marry a shiksa. Harry apologizes for letting things get this far, but says with his usual passion and charm that he "couldn't not kiss her." He didn't think he could get this far with the "shiksa goddess," so he had to try. Char melts like grease on a griddle.
Carrie VOs, "From Jewish, to poo-ish!" Gawd. Mir changes Brady's diaper, then wipes her forehead, leaving a brown smear there. Hiii-dey ho! Steve, munching on a burger and fries about a foot away from the scene of the change (ew!), notices. Hey, there's poo on your head, Miranda. You know, I'm working as a part-time nanny these days, and while I've been peed on by my charge, I've never gotten poo on my head. And MAY IT NEVER HAPPEN. The baby I sit for (or on, as I like to say) has massive, diaper-busting poos. He's still a vegetarian; do you get the picture I'm painting? I was hoping for tiny, easy-to-manage marbles; you know, adorable little rabbit-pellet poos. With ribbons on them. And when he would fart, it would be the sound of a thousand angels singing. But it doesn't happen that way. Dammit. Anyway, Mir, there's poo on your head. Steve points it out, and she smears it to the other side of her forehead. He starts to giggle, and she says, "Baby-wipe me!" He does, cracking up the whole time. Then she grabs the poopy wipe away from him and chases him around the room with it. Then he pleads with Brady to "make Mommy stop chasing Daddy." Mir stops dead, and her eyes start glistening. That hit her in the heart. She starts yelling at Steve, saying she doesn't have "time for this," for him to sit around her apartment reading the paper and eating takeout, and doesn't he "have a life?" Steve says yeah, he does have a life. He kisses Brady and leaves, mad. Oof.
Carrie opens her door, and gets out a quick, breathless "hi," before Mir lets her have it: She's in love with Steve. And she needs a drink. She hands off Brady to Carrie, who seems to enjoy joggling the little one around. Carrie finds Triscuits ("from the '80s") and asks if Brady can eat crackers yet. No. And Miranda is in love with Steve! She can't be in love with him, as they "have too much invested in this relationship!" Wow, it's so backwards. She has a child with the man she's in love with and sees the love as a conflict! Miranda has a heavily guarded heart. Carrie keeps joggling the baby around as she listens to Mir wind down. Mir decides to take Steve somewhere romantic for dinner so she "can't pick a fight," and then she can tell him how he feels. Carrie says, "Oh my GAWD, Miranda, you're asking Steve out on a date!" Miranda rolls her eyes. Hey, Mir, I'll race ya.
Lights up on a pair of leathermen in assless chaps. Well, lights up on a pair of asses. Sam stalks the sidewalk and says "hi" to all her friendly neighborhood slaves at the Rampole, and blanches at the sight of a "Coming Soon...Pottery Barn" sign covering a window. Hee. A Humvee rolls up blasting some Xtina, or Britney, or god knows what (if it's not Justin, I ain't listening to it), and Sam says to the assembled leathermen, "Just what we need, another Wall Street asshole with money." But this Wall Street Asshole is a fucking hottie. They meet at the door, and Chip Kilkenny says he just moved in. Sam introduces herself as "Samantha Jones, 3F." He's in 4F, so Sam is "right under [him]." She purrs, "That sounds promising." Then, the obligatory Hummer joke -- she "loves a good Hummer." Groan. Those damn cars are annoying as fuck. I can drive faster than them in my Mazda Protege, and more quietly, and get better mileage. That's right, I raced a Hummer and won. So I drive like a cab driver, what's it to you? And aren't we supposed to be coveting smaller cars these days, like the Cooper Mini? Oh, right: we need giant penismobiles on this show for the pun factor. Well, just this once. And Sam? Do you really need to try so hard all the time?
Charlotte is on top of Harry, in a frilly little demi-cup bra, fucking away like a champ. He says he's close, and she asks if the Jewish thing is "really a big deal." He says, "No, no, oh, oh!" Sneaky little Protestant!
In the morning light, Char tries to pretend like Harry's "no" was a contract. Good morning! Ha ha, so glad we're past the you-have-to-marry-a-Jew thing, ha! Coffee? Harry says he can't even remember his own name right before he comes, so whatever he said is void. Char whines and pouts, then asks (it can't be for the first time, can it?) why this is such a big deal. Harry squirms a bit and says he "promised his mother [he] would marry a Jew." His MOTHER? Char looks off into the distance. A Yentl-esque violin starts up. And Carrie VOs what faithful watchers already know, which is that Char has already dealt unsuccessfully with a whipped guy and his shrewish mother. Poor Char. Then Harry adds, "Right before she died." Char touches his hand and apologizes, then tries to say that if his mother were alive, she'd get over it and love Char for a daughter-in-law. Harry says no, keeping tradition alive was too important to his mom, particularly since she had relatives who died in the Holocaust. Char says now she can't argue anymore, since he brought up the Holocaust. And the only jokes I can think of are stupid, like how you can't bring up Hitler on the internet because it makes people go crazy. Whatever.
Carrie, in dark jeans, a white cardigan, and this crazy French maid lingerie thing (which I like -- I wore a Pucci slip as a top to a Puma party last week. A slip skirt, on top. Over jeans. Shut up, it looked good!). The four black bobby pins she's rocking, I'm not going there. She's holding a Fendi baguette between her teeth, and lets the machine pick up a call. It's Berger. I saw this scene already on The Daily Show. He makes sweet cute to her answering machine, and she grins like a jack o' lantern. He's picked out a movie, times are up to her.
Over lunch with the girls, she hashes out the cute details of the call, then says how she loves this time right before the first date, since everything is already fine and she can imagine only the best things happening. Mir looks at her and asks, "Why all the drama?" Carrie says because she really likes him, and imagine what that does to a girl? She looks hard at Mir, and Mir says, "Say no more. Really, say no more." Carrie says that after Berger called, another guy called wanting to date her. Yeah, when it rains, it pours. Um, are those bananas on Sam's sweater? Is that Stella McCartney, or what? It's the most whimsical thing I've ever seen on Sam. She chirps that Carrie's "stock is up!" And that's enough of that. We get the theme; can we move onto the question now? Char talks Carrie into a "simu-date" with the second guy to take the edge and pressure off this movie with Berger. Is this the feminine equivalent of guys masturbating before they take a chick out, so if they score, they won't blow their wad so fast? It seems a lot more complicated.
Finally, we get to the question. And as usual, I'll try to answer it for you. Carrie types in her apartment, pondering the differences between the stock market and dating. "If you have a bad stock, you can lose your shirt. If you have a bad date, you can lose your will to live." Or, if you have a good date, you can lose your shirt. Hell, you can lose your shirt on a bad date -- just leave afterwards and don't call. So, she wonders, when it comes to love and finances, "why do we keep investing?" Well, to try to be successful. Or, because people are stupid and never learn. Either one works.
Mir, her heart already invested, calls Steve. She's written down what she wants to say on a yellow legal pad. She gets the machine, and starts off too softly, then ahems weirdly, then sounds way more chipper and enthusiastic than her usual self. It's hilarious. She suggests "dinner tomorrow night. Magda can watch the baby. And oh! It's Miranda! And BEEEEP. Bye." Hee.
Sam stalks down the hall to Chip's apartment with a gift basket. Wine, condoms, handcuffs...oh my. Some people on the boards found this forward display a little vulgar. Well, maybe tacky and obvious. But Sam's in PR. Wooing people with swag is really effective. What I don't get is how the guy opens the door in a towel, then drops the towel to take the gift basket. Oh, right. Swag.
What I'm finding to be tacky and vulgar is the way this guy punches the air after Sam blows him, like a basketball player after he shoots a free throw. But romance and Sam are barely on nodding terms, so I guess it goes with the territory. Sam says, "Now that's what I call eating in!" Oy. He gives her a stock tip, then says, "That was the best effing head of my life!" Oh, boy. I get flak for saying "a-holes," but "effing"? ["Seriously. Shut it, Chipster." -- Sars] He smacks Sam's ass, and she rolls over enthusiastically. Hooray, Sam's getting laid.
And Carrie's on her Just Coffee date. With an actor from CSI! he's very nervous. He asks if Carrie was "looking at [his] sty," and then a pigeon lands on his head. It's really unfair. Carrie's only on a practice date, but his is in earnest. Then he gets balsamic vinegar in his sty. Then the pigeon comes back. As he screams, "What the fuck!", he falls out of his chair, then knocks the table over. Ah, schadenfreude. It's why America's Funniest Home Videos is a hit show.
Carrie and Char cruise a fancy-looking grocery store. Char has that Vuitton bag. So cute. And, sigh, Balducci's is closed forever. That sucks so bad. This could be Zabar's, but I've never seen Zabar's look so serene and navigable. Carrie says that now she's twice as nervous for her Berger date, and can you get a sty from helping someone up? Does this store stock "Sty-B-Gone?" No, but if you go to Whole Foods, they have RIDOSTY!, and the Dr. Bronner's lavender-scented NEVER ANY STY soap. Char asks if Carrie knew that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher. Sure. As did Roseanne. Not for Eddie Fisher, though. Carrie asks if Char is pulling a Liz. Char says she needs more information. Then a Passover display catches her eye, and she picks up a jar of gefilte fish with trepidation, then puts it back and makes an "ew" face. But bubbe, you're so skinny. That fish will put meat on your bones!
Char has a talk with Harry about Why Judaism Is So Freaking Important. And Please, May It Not Be Because You Are A Whipped Mama's Boy, Because I've Been Down That Road. Harry says that if they were to get married, he'd want his children to be raised Jewish. Char, in a lovely white slip, says she's "challenged in the reproductive area," and while it's "not impossible, it is difficult." Poor Char. Harry says he loves her, and that he never thought he'd be this lucky to have someone like Char fall for a "schmuck" like him. Char laughs and says he's not a "schmuck." He's a "putz." Their eyes glisten as they look at each other lovingly, and the Yentl violin plays overtime. Harry says they can adopt, but Char's still concerned. "They wouldn't be your own!" Harry says, "Whatarygonnado." They kiss.
Sam, in a black PVC bra and garter set, smacks her Chip around as they play rough. He's handcuffed to the bed. Then the FBI bursts in, led by Sam's super, Juan. It seems Chip has done a bit of insider trading, and "every time a female goes down, the Dow goes up," Carrie VOs. Oy. Sam says dryly, "All the good ones are getting arrested!" Double oy.
Mir and Steve have their date with destiny. Or not. Steve says she looks "pwetty. You got a date later?" Ha ha, no. She just wants to explain why she picked a fight with him last week. He says he knows. He does? Yeah, she thinks he's getting too close, and hanging around too much, but it's okay, since he just started seeing someone else and he's not in love with her anymore. Oh! Oh. Great. Mir flips through her menu and doesn't say anything. Poor Mir.
Cut to the morning. Mir and Carrie have coffee on a bench. Carrie's in another lingerie piece over faded jeans, a pinky-red cashmere cardigan, and a crazy scarf in her hair. And about ten bobby pins around the nape of her neck. Wacky! Mir says that Carrie can't say anything, or even look at her in a meaningful way, but she didn't tell Steve she loved him, and she won't, and she's gonna kill Carrie if she says anything or looks at her funny. Carrie doesn't look, but says that maybe Mir should have told him anyway, since they have a child together and "this is your LIFE" and "this isn't high school." Then Berger pops up out of the subway, also looking scruffy, but in that cute-guy-in-a-brown-suede-jacket way. So, Carrie? Runs away. Mir is all, "Are you leaving?" No, she's sprinting away in her stilettos. Sprinting away from the guy she likes, because she thinks she "look[s] like shit."
And just as Carrie thinks she's in "the safe zone," she sees Aidan. Aidan has on the Texas tuxedo: jeans and a denim jacket. Then my b.f. Ben comes downstairs, takes a look at Carrie's outfit, and says, "That's hideous. Never wear a skirt over pants." I protest, since I like how Carrie's put together. Ben says, "What, you think that's cute? I'm not even gay and I know it's awful. It's horrible, it's like she's trying too hard to set fashion trends. Who is that, John Corbett from Lucky? He's LUCKY to still be on this show, since that thing on F/X is going to get canceled." Ben is such a kvetch. He's Kvetchy Smurf. I love him, even though he's so mean. Anyway, the show. Aidan? Has a baby now. He's wearing it in a sling. Carrie says stupidly, "I have a date!" One of my favorite songs by The Vandals, by the way. Anyway, Aidan's baby is Tate. Bug-Eyed Tate. Aidan calls him "Tater, since he looks like one. No hair, big eyes." He married another furniture designer. Does Carrie want to meet her? Not really. Maybe he and Carrie can get coffee sometime. They both know that won't ever happen. He asks Carrie where she's running to, and it makes her think.
Carrie goes around the corner and sees the movie theater. The movie she and Berger are going to see is starting soon. So, she calls him and asks him to get together right now, with her all looking like shit and stuff. Berger is all, "Hey! That's so weird, I'm right in that neighborhood!" Must be fate! Must be. Berger walks up and says, "This blows!" Because he had a special outfit picked out, too. But no matter. Carrie already bought the tickets, so he's buying the popcorn and candy. Does she like candy? Good, because Berger is the candy-man. "Sammy Davis has nothing on me!" Carrie is surprised that he doesn't even need the "Jr." Aww -- they're dating cute, and while casually dressed. That is so fucking right now. Then they go through the revolving door, and Carrie screams. Yeow! Her VO gets super-saccharine and says, "At the close of Wall Street that day, the NASDAQ was down, but amazingly, our stock was still up."