“ Bobby wrinkles up his forehead a la Brandon Walsh at his puppy-doggiest, and Carrie gets her millionth comeuppance for being presumptuous this season. ”
Cha, cha cha, cha cha! Splashy bus! For the last time this year.
The girls sit at small tables, dressed up, with huge smiles on their faces. They're beaming, enraptured, glowing, all because they're basking in the starlight of Bobby Fine, "satellite friend" to Carrie (or so she VOs) and piano bar legend. Bobby, played by Nathan Lane, is a per-for-mah. He tickles those ivories and they laugh. Or something. It actually sounds like ragtime -- very oom-pah-pah, if pianos could do that. "Is That All There Is?" is the number. He usually does it "at home in a pink caftan and Peggy Lee wig." Hasn't everyone, he poses, "after three daiquiris?" Well, if you must know, I...won't admit to anything of the kind. He gives Carrie a shout-out as "a person who writes books...the primitive version of the DVD." People laugh wildly, as if on cue. Oh, right. A few bars of oom-pah-pah piano later, and we're out.
Nathan Lane stands by Carrie and the girls' table, saying how long he's known Carrie ("since Cats was kittens!"), and reminiscing about nothing at all. Back in those early days, Carrie "did aerobics and Stanford had hair." An elegantly dressed well-to-do lady glides up and says "hello, hello, hello, hello!" to everyone. Bitsy Von Muffling is her name. She's a player. Sorry, "playa." Samantha remembers her from doing PR for one of her museum benefits. And how is Bitsy doing? Just fabulous. She's getting married, "big, big Hamptons wedding." And "who's the lucky stud?" Why, Bobby Fine, piano bar wit. Carrie barks out a "ha." Then she lets them fly like bullets from a machine gun. Ha! Ha! Ha! Bobby wrinkles up his forehead a la Brandon Walsh at his puppy-doggiest, and Carrie gets her millionth comeuppance for being presumptuous this season. "Oh. Oh! You're getting married?" Yes, yes he is. He "finally found the right girl." He and Bitsy kiss in the most disingenuous display of heterosexuality since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie "so I married an Elvis impersonator with his own Oscar" Presley kissed at the MTV VMAs. Everyone at the table pretends not to barf. Bitsy is off like a prom dress, and invites Samantha to attend. Bobby says, "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle before he can tinkle," and takes off too.
The girls lean in to discuss: Char thought Bobby was, she says sotto voce, gay. No. Noooo! Nathan Lane? I mean, the character he's playing? Not at all. Miranda says his parting phrase was "the gayest sentence ever uttered." Heh. Perhaps he's marrying Bitsy for the money? Oh, no, Bobby "was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line." Miranda says, "Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than 'Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.'" Carrie remembers that Bobby used to say he wanted to help orphans from Nicaragua, and that they're still waiting to this day. "This wedding will never. Happen."
I Love A Charade
The wedding. Is happening. At a four-way all-girl breakfast event, Samantha holds the massive engraved invitation up and says everything's booked. So, where will they stay? Carrie is all, "That's the biggest question: Is that all there is?" Char says that Bitsy says "they're madly in love." Mir says that the "facade of love is most offensive" to her. Wow, that's presumptuous. I mean, tell it to J. Lo and Ben Affleck, or some other cheesy het couple. You know, Pam and Kid, Tommy and Mayte, Bill and Hillary, Winona and ____. Mir thinks they should be honest and say, in Bitsy's case, "I'm older and want companionship," or that Bobby should say, "The hot guys don't go for me anymore." Yeah -- as soon as everyone, including straight people, gets super-honest with the rest of the world about their intentions, that'll happen. You know, he says: "Wow, no one has asked me out in a year, so I pounced on her and now we're getting married. She's okay, I guess." Her side: "Can I get fat now that I'm finally married? I guess what I really wanted was a honking diamond ring." Mir says it's false to "get invitations printed up and call it love." Well, whatever, Miss No One Remembers Why I Had A Baby. Carrie says she guesses Mir won't be her date. Mir says she wouldn't go to the "facade" if she were paid to attend. "It's like there's a pink suede elephant in the middle of the room and no one is allowed to talk about it." Again, unique in this wedding situation and only this one. Not. Carrie says they can stay with Stanford and Marcus, and Sam bemoans breaking up with Richard before Labor Day. Mir says she's "fine with whatever people want to do, just be straight" with her. Um, sure thing, that'll happen -- because everyone owes you an explanation. In the "being straight" vein, Char blurts out that she's seeing someone, sort of. You know, Harry, the bald lawyer, whom we like, a.k.a. "the best sex" Char has ever had. She thinks she might really like him! Eeeee!
Char and Harry are eating pizza in bed. He asks her to attend Bitsy's wedding with him. She said she didn't figure him for a Hamptons type. He says he "is the Hamptons, baby." Oh yeah, baby. He owns a house in Bridge. She says she isn't ready for bathing suit season, and he says she's a "fucking knockout." Well, actually, it's him; he's not ready for bathing suit season. He says his (stunt) back hair is "the way he was born," and what's he supposed to do about it. "Get it waxed!" Char screeches. Just like any lawyer, he makes a deal with her: he'll get it waxed if she goes with him. She agrees. Then he swings her down on the bed and begins nuzzling her. Woo!
They sit in the grass, among the butterflies, and with butterflies in the stomach, she VOs. They make harmless chit-chat -- he's had a house in the Hamptons for three years; last year his ex planted a garden, but instead of "fresh salads" the garden is a reminder of "fresh pain." She can relate, 'cause when she and Aidan broke up she couldn't walk within a six-block radius of his furniture store. She goes on and on about break-ups and the pain and how difficult it is, and how does one go on after this because, since she isn't a youngster anymore, she doesn't "date people that are wildly inappropriate anymore" so it isn't a "whew!" relief when the relationship ends, et cetera. Berger's face makes the range of expression from mild interest to extreme fear. He announces he has to go, and grabs his jacket out from under Carrie's bum. She sort of falls off, and watches him speed away (after a few false starts) on his motorcycle. Yup, you screwed that one up, Bradshaw. Maybe you should have shut up? Just my suggestion. Every week.
Sam marches into Richard's kitchen, pleased with the progression of the party. She becomes less pleased when she sees the boobie crew poking around, asking for Tab and rice krispie treats. Sam says she bought the food and the drinks, and the only things the girls paid for at the party are their breasts. The one with the biggest boobies sticks them out and asks salaciously, "Jealous?" Sam grabs two nearby cantaloupes, positions them at chest-level, and says, "Oh yeah, I want to look like this!" The other girl says that maybe if Sam did, Richard would be here with Sam now. They giggle meanly and high-five each other, one yelling, "Snap!" ["Shout-out?" -- Sars] Sam becomes enraged and hurls a melon at the two hoochies. They duck, and the melon shatters the sliding glass door right behind them. They skitter out, scared of the jealous wrath Sam's exhibiting. Everyone out at the party stares at Sam, who tries to laugh it off all ha ha, I just threw fruit at two hoochies, ha! Nothing to see here!
“ Mir says she'd marry Steve in a second if he were gay. Okay, it's official: I don't get anyone on this show. ”
Mir and Carrie enjoy brunch at Stanford and Marcus's place. Carrie bemoans her stupidity with Berger. I bemoan the high duh levels this scenario produces. Carrie says her problem was that she "revealed too much too soon. [She] was emotionally slutty." Yeah. Plus, you bitched about break-ups, when you're supposedly trying to get your mack on with this new guy, who just came off a break-up himself. She says maybe Bitsy has the right idea, since she's "stopped looking for a great relationship and [has] settled for a fine one." Mir says she'd marry Steve in a second if he were gay. Okay, it's official: I don't get anyone on this show. Stanford walks up, takes the compliment that his coffee is good, and listens as Carrie gushes that he's got it all -- the house, the good man, the life everyone else is chasing. Stanford says he and Marcus haven't had sex since they bought the Cynthia Rowley china. Carrie collapses and says she is "so relieved." Carrie? Shut up.
Finally, we have wedding. Bobby mentions in his vows that Bitsy was wearing "red vintage Dior" when they first met. Mir leans in and whispers "pink elephant" to Carrie. Stanford shushes them and says he's trying to listen to "the bride and bride." Hey, unhappy losers: Shut up. Two people are trying to get married. Just because you're miserable doesn't mean they have to be, too. Bitsy's vows are very sweet -- she describes all the ways in which Bobby is there for her. Morning and night, good times and bad, in her thoughts, in her dreams, and in her heart. Ding ding ding! The camera pans by the cynical four, Stanford, and Harry. Does it dawn on them that they're all catty, bitter bitches, and almost at the end of their youth? Maybe.
The reception. The piano plays, "Fly Me To The Moon." I love that song. Harry searches the dance floor for Char. He sees her, sitting with Carrie, Mir, and Brady, and wiggles his fingers for her to join him. The girls all giggle at his overtures. Mir says Char may have sold him short. He wiggles over and says there's nothing on his face or in his teeth, and she'll probably hate his dance moves but it's a risk he's willing to take. They go dance. Carrie whines that she "blew her only chance at a boyfriend this year." Um, it's Labor Day. Three months left. Shut. Up. Mir asks if she wants to hold her boyfriend, but Carrie opts for another piece of wedding cake.
Mir smells the lilac on the table. She puts it under Brady's nose so he can get the fragrance, then decides to call Steve to say goodnight. His machine picks up, but she hangs up instead of leaving a message. She drops the lilac on the table, but Brady grabs it in his chubby little fist. She looks at him and says, "Yeah."