Cha, cha cha, cha cha! Splashy bus! For the last time this year.
The girls sit at small tables, dressed up, with huge smiles on their faces. They're beaming, enraptured, glowing, all because they're basking in the starlight of Bobby Fine, "satellite friend" to Carrie (or so she VOs) and piano bar legend. Bobby, played by Nathan Lane, is a per-for-mah. He tickles those ivories and they laugh. Or something. It actually sounds like ragtime -- very oom-pah-pah, if pianos could do that. "Is That All There Is?" is the number. He usually does it "at home in a pink caftan and Peggy Lee wig." Hasn't everyone, he poses, "after three daiquiris?" Well, if you must know, I...won't admit to anything of the kind. He gives Carrie a shout-out as "a person who writes books...the primitive version of the DVD." People laugh wildly, as if on cue. Oh, right. A few bars of oom-pah-pah piano later, and we're out.
Nathan Lane stands by Carrie and the girls' table, saying how long he's known Carrie ("since Cats was kittens!"), and reminiscing about nothing at all. Back in those early days, Carrie "did aerobics and Stanford had hair." An elegantly dressed well-to-do lady glides up and says "hello, hello, hello, hello!" to everyone. Bitsy Von Muffling is her name. She's a player. Sorry, "playa." Samantha remembers her from doing PR for one of her museum benefits. And how is Bitsy doing? Just fabulous. She's getting married, "big, big Hamptons wedding." And "who's the lucky stud?" Why, Bobby Fine, piano bar wit. Carrie barks out a "ha." Then she lets them fly like bullets from a machine gun. Ha! Ha! Ha! Bobby wrinkles up his forehead a la Brandon Walsh at his puppy-doggiest, and Carrie gets her millionth comeuppance for being presumptuous this season. "Oh. Oh! You're getting married?" Yes, yes he is. He "finally found the right girl." He and Bitsy kiss in the most disingenuous display of heterosexuality since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie "so I married an Elvis impersonator with his own Oscar" Presley kissed at the MTV VMAs. Everyone at the table pretends not to barf. Bitsy is off like a prom dress, and invites Samantha to attend. Bobby says, "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle before he can tinkle," and takes off too.
The girls lean in to discuss: Char thought Bobby was, she says sotto voce, gay. No. Noooo! Nathan Lane? I mean, the character he's playing? Not at all. Miranda says his parting phrase was "the gayest sentence ever uttered." Heh. Perhaps he's marrying Bitsy for the money? Oh, no, Bobby "was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line." Miranda says, "Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than 'Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.'" Carrie remembers that Bobby used to say he wanted to help orphans from Nicaragua, and that they're still waiting to this day. "This wedding will never. Happen."
The wedding. Is happening. At a four-way all-girl breakfast event, Samantha holds the massive engraved invitation up and says everything's booked. So, where will they stay? Carrie is all, "That's the biggest question: Is that all there is?" Char says that Bitsy says "they're madly in love." Mir says that the "facade of love is most offensive" to her. Wow, that's presumptuous. I mean, tell it to J. Lo and Ben Affleck, or some other cheesy het couple. You know, Pam and Kid, Tommy and Mayte, Bill and Hillary, Winona and ____. Mir thinks they should be honest and say, in Bitsy's case, "I'm older and want companionship," or that Bobby should say, "The hot guys don't go for me anymore." Yeah -- as soon as everyone, including straight people, gets super-honest with the rest of the world about their intentions, that'll happen. You know, he says: "Wow, no one has asked me out in a year, so I pounced on her and now we're getting married. She's okay, I guess." Her side: "Can I get fat now that I'm finally married? I guess what I really wanted was a honking diamond ring." Mir says it's false to "get invitations printed up and call it love." Well, whatever, Miss No One Remembers Why I Had A Baby. Carrie says she guesses Mir won't be her date. Mir says she wouldn't go to the "facade" if she were paid to attend. "It's like there's a pink suede elephant in the middle of the room and no one is allowed to talk about it." Again, unique in this wedding situation and only this one. Not. Carrie says they can stay with Stanford and Marcus, and Sam bemoans breaking up with Richard before Labor Day. Mir says she's "fine with whatever people want to do, just be straight" with her. Um, sure thing, that'll happen -- because everyone owes you an explanation. In the "being straight" vein, Char blurts out that she's seeing someone, sort of. You know, Harry, the bald lawyer, whom we like, a.k.a. "the best sex" Char has ever had. She thinks she might really like him! Eeeee!
Char and Harry are eating pizza in bed. He asks her to attend Bitsy's wedding with him. She said she didn't figure him for a Hamptons type. He says he "is the Hamptons, baby." Oh yeah, baby. He owns a house in Bridge. She says she isn't ready for bathing suit season, and he says she's a "fucking knockout." Well, actually, it's him; he's not ready for bathing suit season. He says his (stunt) back hair is "the way he was born," and what's he supposed to do about it. "Get it waxed!" Char screeches. Just like any lawyer, he makes a deal with her: he'll get it waxed if she goes with him. She agrees. Then he swings her down on the bed and begins nuzzling her. Woo!
Carrie types, her laptop in front of the window. She's wondering what it takes to make a relationship last 'til death us do part. I don't know -- get married older? The question of the week is: "Is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zu?" Or, in Samantha's case, "surviving" it. She calls Richard's machine and says, since their relationship was the closest thing to a marriage they'll ever had, she feels she deserves a settlement. Which will be a weekend at his house in the Hamptons, to which he isn't invited. She'll be throwing a party, to which he isn't invited either. She hangs up and smiles. I hope she gets her way. Oh, of course she will.
Mir comes home and finds Steve asleep on her bed and Brady snoozing in his crib. Steve says he wants to give Brady another bottle before he goes. Mir collapses on the bed to him and smells the flowers by the bed. They're lilacs, courtesy of Steve's "Ma's garden." Aww, Maa-aa-aa! Mir inhales deeply, then rolls over and kisses Steve. Then they do it. Ooh, afternoon delight!
But Mir can't enjoy the moment. At a roadside ice cream stand, she confesses to the girls that she slept with Steve. Aww, Brady has the cutest little blue romper on! Carrie asks if that's why Mir is now participating in the charade she swore she wouldn't attend ever if she were paid to do so. Yes, Mir is "fleeing" the scene of good sex, sharing the baby, and getting along with Steve. Mir says she doesn't "want to give the wrong impression." Carrie is all, what, that you're happy? Seriously. I mean, Mir has deep investment in the bitter thing, but letting go of that can't be all bad. Make fun of everything else, be sarcastic about your mom, but when you're actually happy and can't enjoy it? You have a bitterness problem. Sam flips her cell phone shut and says the party she's planning will be "fabulous," "strictly A-list," but can't include the little "shitter." Mir protests that she won't be able to get a sitter. Carrie says, "Ketchup!" and heads up to the industrial-sized vat of it on the counter.
We get a nice shot of the "Cree-Mee-Freeze" stand. Carrie methodically pumps ketchup into a little paper cup. A motorcycle rolls up behind her, and the driver is none other than Berger! Carrie, of course, squirts ketchup on her wrist and has a little dab of it by her lip. Oh, oh, the big bad ketchup done squirted her! She'll need a ma-yun to wipe it all away! And of course, Berger does. They make cute about his motorcycle, which he bought after his break-up. Ding ding ding!! Carrie gets that "zsa zsa zu" fluttery-tummy feeling from seeing him again. And Berger, a.k.a. "uneasy rider," gets an invite to the party. Apparently Richard's house is right down the street from his own. Woo!
Outside Richard's sweet Hamptons mansion, Samantha directs the trucks delivering chairs and tables where to go and set up. A red convertible pulls up, and three Hamptons hoochies get out, in short-shorts, heels, and teeny tees. Sam is less than thrilled to see them. She informs them that the wait staff is to change around back, and they say they "go to restaurants, not work in them." Heh. Apparently, Richard told these little scantily-clad youngsters that "they could hang out by the pool anytime." Sam says they can't now; she's having a party at three! They say that's cool, they'll be fried by then, and trip-trap inside, giggling. Sam is not. Happy. Maybe her Chanel scarf is too tight. She looks like a luxury pirate. Arrhr, I spent a lot o' money on this scarf, arrhr.
Hamptons party in full effect. Sophisticated retro-lounge music tootles in the background. Carrie and Mir, holding Brady, walk in and are greeted by Sam. Carrie warns her not to say anything to Mir for bringing the baby. Mir says that Brady is wearing Ralph Lauren and she "stuck a cork up his ass," so everything should be cool. Sam raises an eyebrow and says this was supposed to be an A-list party. Carrie asks what the "double-D-list is doing hanging out by the pool." Sam gets even more bent out of shape and calls the girls "fucking freeloaders." Carrie says Sam's one to talk. Sam still feels she's partially entitled to use the house, since she and Richard went through so much together. Mir looks at the young chicas and asks if Sam wanted "no babies, or no boobies." The young chicas, all class, have removed their bikini tops. Boobies ahoy!
Char and Harry look askance at the topless girls. Char says, "That is so inappropriate!" Harry hollers, "Greetings from Silicon Valley!" Char tells him to knock it off, and he says that anyone can see "those tits are fake." Oy, everyone's an expert tit-spotter now. Char asks him to stop saying "tits," and that he should "tiki off" his loud tiki shirt. He does, and his back, while hairless, is a mess of red bumps. Char is all, eeeew! Harry says, "A little hair doesn't look so bad now, does it?" Heh.
Bobby and Bitsy are regaling Carrie and Stanford with tales of how great their sex is. Dude. No one wants to hear it. Not from Brad and Jennifer, even. Good and happy stuff is not interesting enough to repeat in public. The betrothed couple smooch sickeningly, then come up for air just as Marcus walks up, still dripping from the pool. Is it worth pointing out that he has on aqua zebra-striped swimming trunks? His barely clad bod is of great interest to Bobby, who poses the question, "Who ordered the Adonis!" and urges him to get to a gym because his body is "disgusting!" He mimes grating cheese on Marcus's abs and orders "a cheese pizza, hold the salami!" Then Bobby and Bitsy depart, with Bobby grabbing her ass in full view of everyone. Ew. Stanford and Carrie gossip about the fake display, and Marcus offers this bit of wisdom: "Maybe he just makes her laugh." Stanford and Carrie goggle at Marcus's sweet simplicity. Nothing could be that simple, could it?
Char and Harry get food from the buffet, with Char kvetching continuously. Harry should put his shirt on while people are trying to eat. Can't he wait to eat until they sit down? And he has sauce on his face! Harry asks good-naturedly if he's done anything that hasn't bugged Char today, and kisses her, so she has sauce on her face, too. Char gives in and laughs.
Carrie asks Sam why Bitsy had to tell her the sex with Bobby was amazing. Sam says, because it is amazing that Bobby could get hard "without another penis in the room." Heh. The true meaning of "incredible." And wow, everyone's being super catty about this wedding. Carrie forgets to be catty, as she sees Berger and runs off to make cute with him again.
They sit in the grass, among the butterflies, and with butterflies in the stomach, she VOs. They make harmless chit-chat -- he's had a house in the Hamptons for three years; last year his ex planted a garden, but instead of "fresh salads" the garden is a reminder of "fresh pain." She can relate, 'cause when she and Aidan broke up she couldn't walk within a six-block radius of his furniture store. She goes on and on about break-ups and the pain and how difficult it is, and how does one go on after this because, since she isn't a youngster anymore, she doesn't "date people that are wildly inappropriate anymore" so it isn't a "whew!" relief when the relationship ends, et cetera. Berger's face makes the range of expression from mild interest to extreme fear. He announces he has to go, and grabs his jacket out from under Carrie's bum. She sort of falls off, and watches him speed away (after a few false starts) on his motorcycle. Yup, you screwed that one up, Bradshaw. Maybe you should have shut up? Just my suggestion. Every week.
Sam marches into Richard's kitchen, pleased with the progression of the party. She becomes less pleased when she sees the boobie crew poking around, asking for Tab and rice krispie treats. Sam says she bought the food and the drinks, and the only things the girls paid for at the party are their breasts. The one with the biggest boobies sticks them out and asks salaciously, "Jealous?" Sam grabs two nearby cantaloupes, positions them at chest-level, and says, "Oh yeah, I want to look like this!" The other girl says that maybe if Sam did, Richard would be here with Sam now. They giggle meanly and high-five each other, one yelling, "Snap!" ["Shout-out?" -- Sars] Sam becomes enraged and hurls a melon at the two hoochies. They duck, and the melon shatters the sliding glass door right behind them. They skitter out, scared of the jealous wrath Sam's exhibiting. Everyone out at the party stares at Sam, who tries to laugh it off all ha ha, I just threw fruit at two hoochies, ha! Nothing to see here!
Mir and Carrie enjoy brunch at Stanford and Marcus's place. Carrie bemoans her stupidity with Berger. I bemoan the high duh levels this scenario produces. Carrie says her problem was that she "revealed too much too soon. [She] was emotionally slutty." Yeah. Plus, you bitched about break-ups, when you're supposedly trying to get your mack on with this new guy, who just came off a break-up himself. She says maybe Bitsy has the right idea, since she's "stopped looking for a great relationship and [has] settled for a fine one." Mir says she'd marry Steve in a second if he were gay. Okay, it's official: I don't get anyone on this show. Stanford walks up, takes the compliment that his coffee is good, and listens as Carrie gushes that he's got it all -- the house, the good man, the life everyone else is chasing. Stanford says he and Marcus haven't had sex since they bought the Cynthia Rowley china. Carrie collapses and says she is "so relieved." Carrie? Shut up.
Finally, we have wedding. Bobby mentions in his vows that Bitsy was wearing "red vintage Dior" when they first met. Mir leans in and whispers "pink elephant" to Carrie. Stanford shushes them and says he's trying to listen to "the bride and bride." Hey, unhappy losers: Shut up. Two people are trying to get married. Just because you're miserable doesn't mean they have to be, too. Bitsy's vows are very sweet -- she describes all the ways in which Bobby is there for her. Morning and night, good times and bad, in her thoughts, in her dreams, and in her heart. Ding ding ding! The camera pans by the cynical four, Stanford, and Harry. Does it dawn on them that they're all catty, bitter bitches, and almost at the end of their youth? Maybe.
The reception. The piano plays, "Fly Me To The Moon." I love that song. Harry searches the dance floor for Char. He sees her, sitting with Carrie, Mir, and Brady, and wiggles his fingers for her to join him. The girls all giggle at his overtures. Mir says Char may have sold him short. He wiggles over and says there's nothing on his face or in his teeth, and she'll probably hate his dance moves but it's a risk he's willing to take. They go dance. Carrie whines that she "blew her only chance at a boyfriend this year." Um, it's Labor Day. Three months left. Shut. Up. Mir asks if she wants to hold her boyfriend, but Carrie opts for another piece of wedding cake.
Mir smells the lilac on the table. She puts it under Brady's nose so he can get the fragrance, then decides to call Steve to say goodnight. His machine picks up, but she hangs up instead of leaving a message. She drops the lilac on the table, but Brady grabs it in his chubby little fist. She looks at him and says, "Yeah."
Carrie stuffs her face with cake. Bobby strolls over to her and says, "Can you believe this wedding?" She looks guilty, but doesn't say anything. Yeah, because being catty behind people's backs is easy, and telling the truth to their faces is hard. "Is That All There Is?" starts up -- and does anyone else think that's a weird song for a wedding? -- and Bobby joins his bride on the dance floor. His bride, whom, he says to Carrie, "in case [she] had money on it," he loves. Carrie says she didn't have a penny riding on it. No, but she did talk a few hundred dollars' worth of trash.
Mir and Brady join Sam at the bar. Sam takes her drink with an orange wedge, and Mir says, "Look out! She's got fruit and isn't afraid to use it!" Sam asks that they not talk about it. Mir says they'll be the only ones there that aren't. Sam asks what "zsa zsa zu gone bad" would be called. Mir deadpans, "Zsa zsa ew." Heh.
"Is That All There Is" bleats on, and the newlyweds congratulate themselves on a wedding well planned. Oh, except the crust on the crème brulée wasn't hard enough, says Bitsy. Stanford and Marcus have a good giggle about that one. Laugh it up, couple in a sexless marriage. Berger walks in grimly and heads straight over to Carrie, cooling her heels by the dance floor. He's all, "Shall we?" He makes dancing sound as much fun as going to the dentist.
Char and Harry are dancing. She says she may be falling in love with him. Aww! So sweet! He says he's been falling for her since the day they met, but...he's Jewish, so where can their love go? Char is all, whuh? He can only marry a Jew, he says emphatically. Hey, she JUST got divorced like a second ago. Give her a minute, then she can convert. Or whatever.
Carrie and Berger dance. He says she's quiet, and she says she intends to stay that way. He says she was fine; he just got scared. Then he realized he wanted to go out on a date with Carrie before he broke up with her. Um, "great"? As everyone dances, Carrie VOs that "some people are settling, some people settle, and some people won't settle for anything less than butterflies." A digitally animated butterfly flutters over and lands on a lilac branch, very Glade Plug-In. What a Hallmark tableaux. Is this a moment in their life they all want to celebrate? The butterfly makes it so.