Carrie tells us that New York shelters all the poor and hungry yada yada people who get thrown out by the "ruling class," and she finds it ironic that her building is going co-op. Wearing an outfit that Patricia Field stole from Rainbow Brite, Carrie walks into her apartment and tells CIM, who is cooking, about her building. He just wants to know whether she got tomatoes. She complains that she has to move now, and CIM asks her why she doesn't just buy the apartment. Yeah, sure -- Carrie spends thousands of dollars for shoes, pocketbooks, and horrendous outfits every month; I'm sure she has a few hundred thousand stashed away in case she needs to buy real estate in the city. Carrie tells him that she just charged tomatoes and isn't in any position to buy an apartment; CIM tells her that he is. When she finds out he has more money than she thought, Carrie is intrigued and comes on to him. CIM offers to sell his place, buy her place and the place door, and tear down a wall between the two apartments so that they can live together. Uh, what if the place to Carrie's isn't for sale? And he just invested in a bar -- how in the world would he have another half million or so to buy two apartments and pay for the demolition of a wall and subsequent decorating to make the two apartments look like one big apartment? Carrie wonders whether he would be her landlord or roommate, and asks what the rent would be like. He kisses her with the passion of a catfish. Carrie starts wondering, to us, whether it would be a good idea -- since, you know, they're in love (as if!), and he spends almost every night with her now, and moving would be "a pain in the ass." Yeah, that's good. Put your boyfriend in major debt because you don't want to bother to find a new place.
Speaking of "a pain in the ass," Charlotte is now getting hormone shots in her ass, as we see a body double getting a syringe in her butt. You know it is a body double, because the body is super thin and has almost no ass to speak of. Now, don't go off on me. Kristin Davis has a great body. She has perfect proportions, and a fine ass. The body double had a Kate Moss-looking body, meaning there wasn't much body and no curves. If I were Kristin Davis, I would have insisted the producers hire a body double, too -- who would want to have take after take of someone putting a needle in your ass? Trey is giving Charlotte the shot and tells her he doesn't approve of it. If he doesn't approve, why is he doing it? He thinks they should go back to the "old-fashioned" way of making a baby, and she tells him that it won't work that way. He reminds her that there is a chance, and that is good news. She asks him whether he would tell a patient who had a 15% chance of living that it was good news. He gets the point, and she tells him that is why they have to do in-vitro, and that some woman named Peggy told her that it took Peggy seven years to conceive in-vitro. Trey asks who Peggy is; Charlotte tells him Peggy is a woman she met in the elevator, and then tells him that there are six couples in their building who went through in-vitro. Trey wonders whether Charlotte put up a flyer in the lobby saying, "We're barren, how about you?" Which I can totally see, with a picture of them looking all sad. Charlotte tells Trey that they aren't barren, they are "reproductively challenged." Yeah, so are the writers. They can't seem to reproduce the good writing and story lines from the first two seasons. While they talk about Peggy and the other "reproductively challenged" couples, they're taking about seventy-two big pillows off their bed. My mother was watching the show with me and commented, "No wonder they can't get pregnant. They can't find the bed!" Charlotte then tells Trey that Peggy invited them over on Friday to talk about their experiences. Trey reminds Charlotte that the Scottish Society Highland Fling is that night, and that since it is a family tradition, they must attend. Charlotte then asks when Trey wants to see Peggy. He tells her that he doesn't want to see her at all; he is a doctor and knows all about in-vitro -- that it is very invasive, has a low success rate, and can take years to work. If he knows about all this stuff, how come he doesn't know that there are a number of procedures they can do before in-vitro? Charlotte understands that, and tells him that is why she put their names on a wait list for a Mandarin baby. Is "Mandarin" a new term I haven't heard about? I always thought it was just "Chinese."
Carrie tells us that Charlotte's plan to have a baby went on with or without Trey, and that she thought that CIM's plans were going on without Carrie. As CIM comes into the bathroom and Carrie is getting ready to go out, she tells us that even though they haven't officially moved in together, his stuff is everywhere. She picks up his clothes, which have been thrown all over the bathroom and closet floor, and stuffs them into his duffel bag. While CIM does an impression of Cher singing Tom Jones's "It's Not Unusual," Carrie finds a ring box in the duffel bag and opens it. The box contains a pear-shaped diamond ring with a wide gold band; the style is old-fashioned, as though it could have been his mother's or grandmother's ring. I don't know whether it's because Carrie saw the ring or looked at what she was wearing -- namely red and orange horizontal-striped see-through shorts and a hot pink lacy tank with a big black bra underneath -- but Carrie runs to the kitchen and throws up. You know, if she were dating anyone else and he sang like that in the shower, that would be grounds for dumping, and the girls would back her up on it.
The girls are at their restaurant when Charlotte squeals, "You're getting engaged!" Carrie, wearing a wide line of white eyeliner on her top lid, reminds Charlotte that she threw up when she saw the ring. Samantha -- a pair of sunglasses with deep red heart-shaped lenses perched on her head -- tells them that she has the same reaction about getting engaged. The difference between her and Carrie is that no one in his right mind would want such used goods and would never propose to Samantha anyway, so she is pretty safe from vomiting. Miranda wants to know what Carrie will do if CIM asks; Charlotte tells Carrie to say yes, and that when it is right, she will know. Samantha doesn't think Carrie does know, so it may not be right. Carrie wonders whether this is all happening because her apartment is going co-op, and Miranda tells them that if there were a decent number of available living spaces, everyone in the city would be single. You know, over the weekend I watched the first six episodes of season one, and these get-togethers were much more natural. Now it just seems like each girl sets the other one up for a punchline, the way talk-show hosts will set up a comedian to do his or her schtick by asking a specific question relating to his or her routine. Three years ago, it was a group of women talking; now it is a group of women trying to outwit each other. Charlotte asks what the ring looks like, and Carrie tells them it isn't good. First, she tells them it was a pear-shaped diamond, and Charlotte and Samantha pull back in fear. That pissed off my mom, who has a pear-shaped diamond. Then Carrie tells them it had a gold band, and Samantha tells her she understands why Carrie threw up. The way Carrie described it doesn't sound bad, but the girls are reacting like CIM got the ring in the Clearance section at Wal-Mart. Miranda tells Carrie that she wears gold; Carrie explains that she wears "ghetto gold for fun," and that this is her engagement ring they're talking about. Miranda then confesses that she helped pick out the ring because CIM wanted a female perspective, and that since she was pregnant and not with the baby's father while she looked at the rings, she wasn't really paying much attention. At least we now know it isn't a family heirloom. I could just imagine Carrie being all shitty about a ring that had been in CIM's family for generations. Charlotte blurts, "At least you're pregnant!" Miranda yells back that she hopes Charlotte doesn't wig out every time she mentions her pregnancy, because there will be seven more months of it. Carrie decides that she is going to tell CIM that she doesn't want to be engaged, but that she loves him and wants to live with him. She then asks Miranda when he is going to ask her; Miranda says she doesn't know, and is no longer involved. Carrie starts to complain that Miranda picked out a bad ring, and says that Charlotte's ring is nice. Cut to Charlotte, who's wearing a small round solitaire diamond which, to be honest, isn't much to talk about. I mean, if you are going to go all out and get a ring from Tiffany's, you should get something a little more interesting than round solitaire. Carrie then complains that the ring "isn't her," that CIM should have known that, and that she doesn't think she can marry a man who doesn't know what kind of ring she would like. Well, if I were CIM and I spent all that time with Carrie, I would think the kind of ring she'd like would make people say, "What the fuck?" when they saw it, like almost everything she wears. Samantha tells Carrie, "Wrong ring. Wrong guy."
Carrie is sitting at her laptop wondering how you know who the right guy is, or when the right time is to get married, and she asks her laptop, "In matters of love, how do you know when it is right?" When you don't have to wonder what throwing up after looking at a diamond ring really means.
Carrie tells us that Samantha went to see Mr. Wright, that hotel guy who didn't want to hire her because she slept with his architect. Apparently, he has become a pain in Samantha's ass. As she meets up with him at a bar, Wright goes off on her over the fact that no one's writing about him in the paper; she tells him that she pulled ads because of it, and that now the paper is giving them a two-page write-up about his Barcelona property. Or something like that. PR stuff. Mr. Wright looks impressed by Samantha's work, and tells her to sit down with him. She doesn't look very happy, and he asks whether she is having female problems. She pretty much tells him off in very few words, and he is all excited that she isn't afraid of him. She finally breaks down and admits that her best friend may get engaged; he thinks she is upset because she isn't going to be a bridesmaid. She then complains that it's clichéd to get married and have kids, and that she doesn't know why so many people do it. She puts her hand up to her chin, and you can see that she is wearing a huge, gaudy, fake diamond ring on her pinky. I'm not sure how she saw that and said to herself, "Oh, yeah -- that is sassy and professional at the same time! I have to wear that to work!" Wright tells her that he loves sleeping around. What!? A man likes to sleep around? Blasphemy! He also likes to take a woman down to Rio "if the mood strikes me." He tells her that it makes a perfect weekend, and ends his come-on, "Who needs a wife when you have a life?" Samantha gives him a big smile. While these two seem perfect for each other, you would think Samantha could control herself this one time to prove to him that she can do a good job and not get involved with her co-workers, or clients, or whomever.
Carrie tells us that Miranda was trying to find the right place and way to tell Steve about the pregnancy. We see Steve and Miranda getting some ice cream from a sidewalk vendor. Steve asks Miranda whether she wants sprinkles, and she blurts that she is pregnant, and that the baby is his. The ice-cream guy looks intrigued. Steve asks whether she's sure, and she assures him he is the father. Steve seems pretty calm about it all, and is happy that his one ball is working. He asks her what she is going to do about it; when she tells him she is keeping it, he tells her that when they were together and he wanted a baby, she wouldn't even think of it. She tells him that she will never be ready, but that since it has happened, she is going to go through with it. Steve offers to sell the bar to help pay for the baby expenses; Miranda tells him that it isn't his problem, and that he can visit the baby whenever he wishes, but that she will take full responsibility. Steve wonders why Miranda even wanted to talk about it; she tells him she thought he would want to know. For a man who just survived cancer and found out he is going to be a father, he isn't really getting too emotional about the news. Maybe he is in shock.
Carrie tells us that she decided to take CIM out to dinner and accept his "proposal." We see them finishing dinner; Carrie is wearing the strapless black dress with rhinestones all over it that I wore to a college semi-formal dance in 1991. I can't believe Patricia Field went to my parents' house and stole my dress from the attic! Carrie tells him "yes!" to living together, and to sharing a life and an apartment. CIM tells her that it makes him really happy to hear her say that, and that there is something else he wanted to ask her. She immediately jumps up and tells him she has to go to the bathroom. She goes into the bathroom, where she looks at herself in the mirror and asks herself what she is doing. Someone is in a stall and wonders whether Carrie is talking to her; Carrie apologizes and runs out. She goes back to the table, where CIM asks her if she wants dessert. He starts to put his hand in his jacket pocket; Carrie watches in slow motion as he takes out his wallet and he asks if he can pay, "because your rent's about to skyrocket!" She gives him a kiss, and sort of looks up into the air, like, "I don't really like kissing him, but this is better than hearing him propose!"
Trey comes home and hears Charlotte repeating Chinese lines from a "learn to speak Chinese" tape. Charlotte tells him she wants to learn Chinese in case they get a Mandarin baby. Trey wonders whether they are the ones who are going to teach the baby to speak; Charlotte tells him that sometimes people get an older child, and that they should learn about their baby's heritage by learning Chinese. She also tells him that they will most likely get a girl, and that since both she and Trey have dark hair, people won't immediately realize that the baby is adopted. I'm thinking maybe the skin tone and face would tip people off, since most people don't look at hair first when they look at a baby. Charlotte asks Trey whether he remembered to pick up his kilt at the cleaners, and he tells her he doesn't know whether he wants to go. Charlotte whirls around and yells at him that they have to go because it is a family tradition, and that they will not act like a typical barren couple, and that she had a plaid dress made for the occasion. Wow. That was quick! Didn't she just learn about this shindig earlier that week? Trey walks off, asking whether she should cut down on the hormones, and Charlotte goes back to her Chinese tape. Okay, raise your hand if you actually give a shit about these two anymore. Anyone? Anyone? Hello?
Carrie is actually wearing a cute red and blue dress -- minus the ridiculous, bedazzled, big, red apple necklace -- trying to get a taxi, when Big drives by and offers her a ride. There is some very witty banter between the two of them, during which Carrie accuses him of driving around looking for her to give her a ride, and he replies that he's made a day of driving around giving women rides, and it just makes you wonder how in the hell anyone could think that Carrie and CIM could possibly have any chemistry. Big asks how Carrie is doing, and how things are going with "country Bob." Carrie tells him that CIM wants to marry her. Big tells her that isn't going to happen -- that CIM isn't the guy for Carrie, and that she isn't the marrying kind. She tells him that she isn't going to take any relationship advice from Big. The whole time, these two are having a blast being together and it reminds you why Big and Carrie were the best couple ever.
Carrie comes home. She finds CIM's duffel bag, rifles through it, and doesn't find the ring. She calls Miranda and asks her whether Miranda told CIM she didn't like the ring, because she can't find it and CIM hasn't proposed. Then, as she puts away the new Manolo Blahnik shoes she just bought, she starts wondering whether CIM no longer thinks she is the one for him. She claims she can't afford fresh produce; how could she afford new shoes? Miranda tells Carrie to hold on, as she runs to the toilet and throws up. Miranda bitches that morning sickness lasts all day, and then wonders whether it is really "mourning" sickness, as in, "mourning the loss of your single life." Um, not to be too much of a bitch here, but no one is putting a gun to Miranda's head making her go through with the pregnancy and subsequent motherhood. She needs to stop complaining that the pregnancy and baby are cramping her style. She chose her choice.
Trey and Charlotte are running up a grand staircase, because they are late to the fling. Trey puts his hand on Charlotte's lower back by her ass, and she complains that she is sore from the shots. They enter a room where Scottish music is playing and people are dancing; Carrie tells us it was "the New York Scottish Society's annual Highland Fling. Any Scot who was anyone was there." Bunny runs over to them and says she wondered when they were coming, because they missed dinner. Bunny tells Trey to join her brothers in the Highland Fling dance; Trey runs over to the middle of the dance floor and gets twirled around by his brothers. Charlotte watches Trey and tells Bunny, "For something called a 'fling,' it looks like a lot of work." Without missing a beat, Bunny tells her, "That's what I used to tell Trey about you!" Ouch! Charlotte's face turns red where the slap hit her. Bunny walks Charlotte over to a table, where tea is served, and blathers on about the MacDougal clan. She winds it up by saying that she doesn't like Mandarin food and doesn't want a Mandarin child. Charlotte tells Bunny it is none of her business, and Bunny tells her that the MacDougal name will be carried on by "sons of [their] own, not daughters of the South Pacific." Charlotte is shocked, which surprises me because Bunny is definitely the type of person who looks down upon anyone who isn't light-skinned. Charlotte should have expected Bunny to tell her not to adopt a Mandarin child. Charlotte then stomps out onto the dance floor and grabs Trey. She yells at him about having a Mandarin baby and that she is doing all the work taking the shots and pills and doing all the research and that all he has to do is "jerk off into a plastic cup." Trey tries to get her to stop yelling, and she yells at him to keep his mother out of it. As Charlotte turns to walk away, Trey grabs her dress and rips it so that her whole side is exposed. Charlotte grabs her side and runs off. So, does anyone care now? Anyone? What? No? Okay.
Samantha and Wright are in his private plane. He is lying on top of her and rips her skirt off. She tells him that she would have taken off her skirt, and he offers to buy her a new one. They start macking and the pilot interrupts them to tell them they need to put their seatbelts on because they are about to take off. They start going at it again, and Samantha asks Wright whether it is a good idea for them to do this. You ask after he's ripped your clothes off you? Wright tells Samantha that she needs to see his property in Rio, so she asks whether she is on the clock. He tells her that she isn't, and then asks how much she would charge. She tells him he couldn't afford it. He tells her he is a very rich man, so she counters that she is a very talented woman. Then she starts acting like she is having an orgasm. The fact that she is still wearing her underwear and he hasn't even unzipped his pants makes me wonder how she could have lost her orgasm a few weeks ago if she gets off on just being dry humped.
Trey and Charlotte are at home. Charlotte asks him to give her a shot. Trey asks whether she has to do it that night, and she tells him she has to do it every night if she wants to continue the MacDougal clan. She asks him why he talked to Bunny about their attempts to get pregnant, and he tells Charlotte that he didn't know how to tell Charlotte that he is exhausted and didn't know the marriage would be this hard. She tells him that they are just having a rough patch, and that once she has a baby things will get easier. Ha! Tell that to a couple who recently had a baby! Anyone who thinks that having a baby will make a marriage stronger is a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket. Trey tells her it could take years before that happens. He goes on to say that he is forty-three years old, and that he wants to know when it will get easy; he was the only one who got yelled at on the dance floor. Charlotte apologizes and blames her actions on her hormone shots. Trey asks her to stop taking them. She tells him she can't, and he tells her that he doesn't know how long he can take it, and that he loves her but that he doesn't know whether he has the energy to try to have a baby anymore. He tells her that he doesn't want to try to have a baby; he opines that if it is the right thing, it will happen, and if it isn't, then it won't. He then tells her that he would be happy if it were just the two of them, but that he doesn't know whether Charlotte would be happy about it. Carrie then tells us, "Sometimes the question is, how do you know when it's not right?" You mean, like this whole story arc about Charlotte and Trey? Oh, you just know.
CIM and Carrie are taking Pete for a walk, and Carrie is complaining that CIM is making her go with him. CIM kneels down to Pete and tells Carrie that he forgot to bring a baggie. Carrie comments that things are just getting better and better. While she looks away, CIM asks her to hold something, and he puts a ring box in her hand. She opens it, and lo and behold, it contains a big, emerald-cut diamond ring set in platinum! She whispers, "Oh my god, it's not --" and then smiles and tells him it is a beautiful ring. He tells her he had a different one, and changed his mind, and that this ring seemed more like her. He then tells her that he loves her and wants to spend his life with her. Carrie tells us, "Maybe there are no right moments, right guys, right answers...maybe you just have to say what's in your heart." She looks at the ring and accepts. He puts the ring on her finger. Gawd! What a shallow bitch! She was all set to say no until she saw that the ring was better. I guess what was in her heart was, "I'll say yes to anything that sparkles and is set in platinum!" Raise your hand if you think they will get married. Anyone? Hello? Anyone? I'm not raising my hand either. Hey, look! Over there! It's Fonzie jumping over a tank of sharks! Thumbs up!
Carrie tells us that, as she was surprising herself, Miranda was getting a surprise, too. Steve knocks on Miranda's door, and when she opens it, she sees Steve on one knee with the first pear-shaped ring in his hand. Miranda yells out, "What, are you fucking crazy!?" Steve yells at her that that is what he thought she wanted. Miranda tells him that she doesn't want to marry him. He says that he doesn't want to marry her either, but that he doesn't just want to be a dad who sees his kid at the playground once in a while. She tells him to keep remembering that he doesn't want to marry her, because once he sees her and the baby, he is going to think they belong together. He tells her that he doesn't know about that, because when he sees her with his dog, she mostly seems uncomfortable. She gives him a little smack on the shoulder, and smiles. The two of them are so great together, but I think they are best as friends and not lovers. Steve asks how they are going raise the kid when they aren't together. Miranda tells him that they will work it out together. He is happy that they are going to do this together, and as he leaves, she tells him that she knows the ring is a hand-me-down, and that she would never accept a hand-me-down ring. Steve complains that she picked it out, and she tells him she picked it out for Carrie. Steve tells her that he is happy she didn't want it, because he can't afford a ring and a baby. Miranda tells him that things are working out well already. These two are great. I hope we get to see a lot more of them and a lot less of Trey and Charlotte in the future.
Carrie meets up with Samantha at a bar, and tells Samantha that she is engaged. Samantha's reaction is, "Fuck you." Then she orders two Ruby drinks to celebrate. Carrie shows her the new ring, and Samantha tells her that she helped CIM pick it out. Carrie asks Samantha whether she wants Carrie to get married, and Samantha says, "No, but if you're gonna ruin our lives, I'd at least like to look at a nice piece of jewelry." Carrie thanks her and gives her a kiss, as their pink martini-looking drinks arrive. As the camera pans back, you see that someone gave a seagull an Alka-Seltzer and the bird exploded and parts of it hit the back of Carrie's skirt and stuck there. My mother actually jumped back and screamed with horror and then laughter when she saw the skirt. As the scene fades to black, Carrie asks about Samantha's tan. Samantha mentions Rio, and Carrie tells her that doing the CEO is a mistake. Like going out in public with feathers coming out of your ass?
Well, the season is over for the summer. The girls won't be back until January. While I thought this episode was okay, it didn't make me salivate for the last six episodes. So, show of hands, who thought this season was great? Anyone? Huh? No? Okay, how about really good? Anyone? One person? Two? Who thought it was a fun season? One, two three....anyone else? No? Who thought it was a big disappointment? Whoa! Look at all those hands! Let's all hope they tinker with the last six episodes in the four months so that they aren't as lame as the past twelve!