Carrie tells us she was on her second date with MM, and they went to three jazz clubs in one night. They are at his apartment, and he is chopping vegetables, and she asks where he learned how to chop. He tells her the Jersey Shore, and when she tries to ask if that is where he is from, he stops her and listens to a bass solo playing on his record player. Carrie confesses that she doesn’t like jazz, and MM feigns fainting. He asks her why, and she tells him that it doesn’t sound like anything but random sounds, and he tells her, “You’ve gotta stop trying to make it be something else and appreciate it for what it is.” Yeah, random sounds. MM then grabs Carrie and starts to use her as his bass. She feels a little uncomfortable, as would any woman that is being used as a musical instrument, and asks if he knows how to use all the instruments he has hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen. He tells her he learns a few notes and then moves on to something new. Then he puts his hand down her pants, and she tells us she started to appreciate jazz.
The girls are at a bar, and Carrie tells them she spent last night listening to jazz while giggling like the fourteen-year-old she turns into when it comes to talking about sex and relationships. Samantha has a look on her face like, “That’s great. Finish what you are saying so I can tell you all my news!” Carrie then tells them that she “had the most intense orgasm of [her] entire life.” And that she usually doesn’t have orgasms like that unless she is in love. Charlotte thinks that this guy may be “the one,” but Carrie thinks it may just be a fluke, so she's going back tomorrow to find out. Miranda then announces that she is going on a sex strike. Samantha tells her she is just in a slump, and Miranda tells her that it started as a slump but now it is a conscious effort. Miranda had sex in the last episode. So from one episode to the , it is considered a slump? Carrie just had sex for the first time this season -- was she in a major slump before? No, she wasn’t, and it didn’t bother her in the least. Could the writers make Miranda a more pathetic pod-person version of her original self? Miranda then tells the girls that she would rather be “home alone than out with someone who sells socks on the internet.” You know, someone who sells socks on the internet may have a fun personality. She got all upset last year because men were turned off by the fact she was an attorney -- maybe she should be a little less concerned with men’s professions. And an internet sock salesman sounds better than some guy dressed up as a sandwich, like the one she was attracted to last season. God, Miranda’s life has really gone into the shitter in the last year. I really wish the writers would watch the first and second seasons and see what Miranda is really supposed to be like so that we can all stop yelling at the television and wondering who kidnapped the real Miranda. So then Samantha tells the girls that she has started a relationship with Sonia Braga and is now a lesbian, and the girls are all stunned. Sonia walks into the bar, and Samantha goes over to greet her. The girls all have big fake smiles on and wave hello, and Sonia is all, “I see you told them.”
Charlotte, Miranda, and Carrie are walking down the street together, and Carrie is sporting a red, white, and blue blob on her head that looks like it could be made of yarn, but I’m not quite sure. I can’t believe the girls let her go out in public looking like that. I think I saw a woman around town with a “hat” like that last week. She lives at the Central Virginia Training Center. That’s one of those “special schools,” if you know what I mean. I wonder if that's where Patricia Fields got that thing. Carrie and Miranda complain that you can’t just wake up one day and become a lesbian, and Charlotte thinks that Samantha just ran out of men. Miranda yells out, “Then you go on strike, you don’t eat pussy!” Carrie and Charlotte are disgusted that Miranda just said “eat pussy.” Poor Cynthia Nixon. What a sad, sad character she has to portray now. Why would someone go on a sex strike if she ran out of men? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of denying men the pleasure of her body? That’s like saying that the Ethiopians went on a hunger strike. Carrie then complains that she was “up-sexed” by Samantha after she told them about her mind-blowing orgasm. Shut up, Carrie. And get a hat that wasn’t stolen from Disco Stu’s closet.
Carrie then tells us Charlotte decided that, since Samantha could conquer new territory, it was time for her to conquer old territory. Charlotte and Trey are staring at his bed, all nervous about trying to have sex there. Trey then grabs her and kisses her, and they fall onto the bed in slow motion.
Then Carrie tells us that “just because Miranda was on strike didn’t mean she had to ‘do without.’” Miranda is at a pastry counter and orders a chocolate éclair. When Carrie first mentioned “doing without,” I thought Miranda was going to buy sex toys or something. I didn’t realize that when someone talks about not having sex, some people assume that they also mean not eating chocolate. Duh! As Miranda is watching television, Carrie then tells us that Jon Stewart and eclairs are the “perfect relationship” for Miranda. Maybe perfect for someone with an eating disorder. RIP Confident Miranda who used to not care about being single.
Carrie tells us that, after having great sex in their bed, Charlotte was ready to move back into Trey’s apartment. Charlotte and Trey are lying in bed together, and she asks him what he's thinking. He tells her that he had never felt his “John Thomas” so hard, and that he thought that at times “it was going to rocket right off!” Since when does he call his penis "John Thomas"? I thought it was “Schooner” because he loved to sail, and he wanted to dock it into her “Rebecca.” Damn, writers, do some research! These names weren’t made up that long ago! I can’t even believe that Kyle McLachlan and Kirsten Davis didn’t say anything either. Do they care at all? ["Plus, the Lady Chatterley's Lover reference is so very tired." -- Sars] Trey then asks Charlotte what she's thinking, and she tells him she doesn’t know. She then tries to ask him about her moving back in with him, but as soon as she says, “Are we ready…” he’s thinking, “…to have sex again,” and climbs back on top of her.
Carrie is brushing her teeth while wearing sweatpants with her underwear showing over the top and a matching black bra, and MM is at her apartment, so she buzzes him in. Just as she does that, the phone rings; it's Samantha. She asks Carrie how long they talked about her on the way home the other night, and Carrie tells her they talked for nine blocks. Samantha is hurt, because she cares about all the other girls’ relationships, but they don’t care about hers. Carrie tells her that they “were caught off guard with the lesbian thing,” and Samantha tells her it is just a label “like Gucci or Versace,” and Carrie suggests “Birkenstock.” Because all lesbians wear Birkenstocks. Oh, except for the lesbians I know. And the straight women I know who wear them. I’m surprised Carrie didn’t make some more generalizations and mention plaid flannel shirts. Samantha tells her Sonia has passion and intelligence, and Carrie mentions that she also has a vagina. Samantha is all, “Oh, vagina schmagina!” Okay, that's totally the comeback I would say to something like that. I wonder if the writers will also use “No, you are!” as a comeback in a future episode. Carrie asks if the lesbians are calling it “schmagina,” and she's changing out of her sweatpants and putting on jeans, and her underwear is still showing over the top of her pants. While Carrie is getting into a white sheer blouse that shows her black bra, Samantha tells her that she and Sonia haven’t had sex yet and it isn’t important. Carrie tells her to tell that to Sonia’s schmagina. MM walks in with a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag, and tells her he wants “a bourbon, and I want to go down on you. Not necessarily in that order.” Carrie is shocked and amused at the same time. Samantha is on the phone, blabbing away about how she wants her first time to be special, as Carrie starts taking off her pants and MM goes for it. What a good friend Carrie is to make the effort and let Samantha talk about her feelings about this new relationship.
Carrie is sitting at her desk in front of her iBook, smoking, thinking about sex and relationships, and which had a better chance -- sex without a relationship, or a relationship without sex. She then asks her laptop, “What came first, the chicken or the sex?” What about the people who are too chicken to have sex?
Carrie tells us she tried to talk to MM so that the relationship could catch up to the sex, and all you can see are her legs flying in the air. Yeah, that’s a great way to get a guy to want to just talk. She then stops him from taking off her clothes for a minute to ask him where he went to school. He tells her he went all over, then notices her freckles on her legs and pulls her towards him, and she squeals with delight. She then tells us that it was her “best relationship ever.” What does that say about her relationships?
Carrie then voice-overs, “Meanwhile, over at Casa de Lesbo…” Samantha and Sonia are lying in Sonia’s living room, sharing strawberries and kissing. Then Samantha lays Sonia back and starts moaning and puts her head down between Sonia’s legs. Sonia looks annoyed and tells Samantha, “It isn’t working for me,” which shocks Samantha. Samantha tells her the men like it, and Sonia tells her to look at her and connect with her, and it isn’t a porno flick. She then tells Samantha that she is going to lie back down, and she wants Samantha to look at her “boceta” which is Portuguese for “pussy.” She lies down, and Samantha has a look on her face like, “Uh, okay. So that’s how it is.”
Miranda is back at the pastry counter, and decides to buy the fanciest chocolate cake they have. After she finds out that the cake costs $74.50, she decides to bake a cake herself. She brings home a box of Duncan Hines and looks at it with lust. Now, after the high-quality pastries she's been eating, I somehow doubt that a Duncan Hines mix cake is going to do it for her. I know it wouldn’t come close to satisfying me if I had my heart set on that $74.50 chocolate sex-substitute at the bakery. Screw the cake mix -- just eat the frosting straight from the can!
The scene changes, from Miranda to Carrie in bed with MM yelling out “Oh!” to Miranda licking the frosting from her finger and giving a little moan, to Samantha in between Sonia’s legs looking intrigued and saying “Oh!” to Trey and Charlotte going at it on top of a drawer or desk or something, to Miranda finishing a slice of cake, back to Carrie and MM, back to Miranda wrapping up the cake, then unwrapping it and slicing off slice after slice and cramming it in her mouth until she throws the small part of the cake left into the refrigerator.
Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte are at their breakfast restaurant, waiting for Samantha, and Charlotte is complaining about Trey not asking her to move in with him, and that she feels like a hooker after having sex with him and then going home. Carrie asks her why she hasn’t asked Trey about moving in, and she says she's afraid that it will scare his penis or something, and then she whines about wanting the sex and the relationship. Miranda just wants to eat, and wonders where “the lesbian du jour” is. Carrie tells them that when Samantha comes in, they need to talk about her relationship because she was upset that they didn’t take it seriously before. Charlotte thinks Samantha isn’t really having a relationship and is doing this just to bug them, and Carrie tells her that it may be a real relationship and that Samantha and Sonia haven’t had sex yet. Miranda asks if anyone wants to split the chocolate pudding. Okay, Miranda has a big appetite! We get it! Samantha arrives, and Charlotte asks how her relationship is. Samantha tells her that when the vagina gets engorged, it grows to the size of a fist, and “it's like a fabulous cave!” She goes on that there are some places a dick can’t go, and that Sonia has “ten dicks” while waving her fingers around. Charlotte looks scared. Carrie doesn’t think that a finger is the same as a dick. Miranda agrees, and thinks that it is about a third of a dick, and tells Samantha, “So technically, Maria has three and a third dicks.” It’s good to see that the writers didn’t have Miranda shoving food into her face so she could say the witty things she usually says. Samantha tells them that she is getting an education on the “boceta,” and Carrie is all, “Boceta, schmagina, let’s call the whole thing off.” Yes, please! So far I’m not convinced that Samantha has changed teams at all; I think she's doing this because it's something new, and she'll get bored in a short while. Samantha tells them she has learned about how to connect during sex and that “it is not an animal act -- it is about two people, making love.” Charlotte happily agrees, and Carrie agrees and looks sad.
Carrie goes over to MM’s apartment, and he doesn’t have a shirt on. He tells Carrie he couldn’t figure out what color shirt to put on, and then runs over to the kitchen to make margaritas. Carrie, wearing a big red pom-pom/scrunchie thing in her hair, shows him the first jazz CD she bought, and he takes it and tells her she has to listen to jazz on vinyl. Because, you know, you wouldn’t want a clean, sharp copy of random noises to listen to. MM runs over to his wall of records, and you can see his back. He has an odd patch of hair in between his shoulder blades, like the hair follicles from his head reach down to his back, and he shaves the back of his neck but doesn’t bother to do anything with the hair that usually is hidden by a shirt. I really wish the hair and make-up people bothered to do something with it, because it's creepy! Carrie wants him to stop and talk to her, and asks him about living at the Jersey Shore because he mentioned it earlier. He tells her he lived there for a few summers, then mentions playing skee-ball with his friends in upstate New York and wonders out loud if he should sell a club and open a skee-ball place in the city, and then he starts talking about canned corn and how he had a pot pie in Vegas that was loaded with corn. As he is going on about corn and Vegas, Carrie tells us that she realized that “he wasn’t spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling, he was a guy with ADD.” I think he has a lot more than ADD if he can’t even keep a thought going for more than ten seconds. She then tells us she decided that she needed to end the relationship. Eventually. But right then, she asks him to play her like a bass again. I’m surprised he can keep his mind on sex long enough to have it. You know, he totally wasn’t like this in last week’s episode. Last week, he was cool and laid-back and witty, and now he's a mental patient. I can see why the writers have a hard time remembering things from last season, since they can’t even remember things from last week.
Carrie tells us that “Charlotte gave Trey one more chance to ask her to move in.” They are in bed, and Trey looks a little embarrassed as he asks her to measure his “John Thomas” the time he gets hard. She gets disgusted and tells him she's going to take a shower. While in the shower, she gets more and more upset, so she turns off the water while she still has shampoo in her hair and her makeup is running all over her face. She puts on her clothes and yells at Trey that she is tired of being married to his penis, and she is done walking on eggshells because she is afraid to upset his penis. She tells him to “shove this marriage up your ass!” and leaves. So can he be called the “up-the-butt marriage guy” now?
Miranda takes out the rest of the cake from her refrigerator and cuts a slice. She throws the rest of the cake in the trashcan and walks away. But she comes back and takes a bit of cake out with her fingers and eats it, and then she calls Carrie to tell her that she just ate a piece of a cake from the garbage and she needs to be “checked into the Betty Crocker clinic.” Actually, she needs to go to the Duncan Hines clinic. She then pours dishwashing soap on the cake to keep herself from eating any more. Could the writers make Miranda sink any lower? She should have a Bad-Plotline Strike. Miranda is lying in bed, awake, as Carrie then tells us that “Miranda had been using chocolate as a substitute for sex, and now she needed a substitute for chocolate.” What now? Heroin? Miranda then goes into her nightstand and takes out her vibrating dildo. Carrie tells us that the strike “was officially over.” What the…? Because Miranda doesn’t want to go on bad dates, she has to give up all sexual pleasure, even with herself? Maybe she's the bad date? I’m glad this storyline is over!
Samantha is going down on Sonia. Hey, have you noticed that we haven’t seen or heard anything about Sonia doing anything sexual to Samantha? Talk about a one-sided relationship! Sonia moans out that what Samantha is doing “is perfect!” and we see Samantha between Sonia’s legs, looking down at her cootch. Carrie tells us that Samantha learned about the elusive female ejaculation, as Samantha gets a squirt in the face. Samantha asks if that was good, and Sonia tells her it was very good. Carrie tells us that Samantha was very happy that she had a relationship and more sex than she expected. Okay, one time in college, a friend of mine lived in a house that was converted into a video rental store, then converted back into a residence. There was a wall in the living room that was one huge bookshelf, and it contained nothing but pornos. The owner got rid of all the other movies but the X-rated ones. So every once in a while a bunch of us would go to the house with booze in hand, and watch pornos all night. Once we watched a movie called Squirt Bunnies, and it had women who ejaculated. Believe me, it wasn’t just a little squirt -- they were spraying all over the place. Obviously, the writers have never seen Squirt Bunnies, or they would have shown Sonia having a very loud orgasm, and Samantha’s face and hair would have been soaked. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Carrie and MM are in bed, and he tells her he is going to get water. Carrie told us that she decided to treat MM like jazz, deciding to let go and appreciate him for what he was -- mind-blowing sex. As Carrie is lying in bed glowing, she hears banjo playing in the other room. She wraps the sheet around her and goes to investigate, and finds MM sitting naked on the coffee table, playing the banjo. Carrie tells us she felt that MM had stopped playing her and moved on to a new instrument. If he keeps up like that, the only instrument he’ll be playing at night is the skin flute. Thank you very much! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!
Trey goes to Charlotte’s apartment and brings back her wedding ring, which she left at his apartment. He asks her to move back in with him and be his wife. He tells her he doesn’t want to lose her again, and he asks her to re-marry him, and she agrees. Ack! When is this story going to end?! Leave the horse alone, it's dead already!
Carrie is walking home, and she wonders if mind-blowing sex in a relationship “obliterates the chance of an intellectual one.” And as she walks past a saxophone player playing “When I Fall In Love” (which, by the way, was my first-dance-with-my-husband song), she drops some money into his case and tells us that she hopes she can have both, because “great sex is great, but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.” Then maybe she should wait past the second date to have sex with someone to see if she can have a relationship with him. I’m just saying. But I guess then they would have to change the name of the show to Dating and the City. Fade to black.