So the show starts out with Carrie telling us she was "dressed to the nines" at some hip and trendy night spot. She and Stanford are checking out the men, and Stanford picks out some guy with long stringy hair and wonders if he is the "Dirty-Haired Gucci Guy, with clean hair." Except the guy's hair isn't clean. Carrie tells him to go talk to the guy, and Stanford tells her that the only way a guy like that would like him is if he paid him. I'm assuming Stanford has the cash, since there is no way he went out in public wearing a peach-colored large checked suit without getting paid a lot of money. Maybe Stanford can attract the guy with a bottle of Bumble and Bumble shampoo. Margaret Cho yells over at Carrie, and then comes over and introduces Carrie to her boyfriend by saying, "This is my boyfriend Damien. I use the term 'boyfriend' loosely, as Damien is clearly a homosexual," all the while waving her hand around Damien like one of Barker's Beauties on The Price Is Right. Margaret Cho is so fucking funny. She needs her own show, but this time she should put it on HBO or Showtime where it won't get fucked up by network morons. Carrie introduces them to her boyfriend Stanford, and then Margaret tells Carrie that she must be part of a fashion show she is doing, using models and New York people with style. Okay, I understood the part about "New York people." But the "style" part loses me, especially since at this time Carrie is wearing a black lacy shirt with a white backless bra over it, covered by a black corset. If having "style" means covering your eyes and putting on whatever is in your undergarment drawer, I guess Carrie would be considered stylish. But it doesn't mean that. Did I mention that Margaret Cho is fucking funny? Carrie whines that she is a writer, not a model, and Margaret tells her that she has to do the fashion show and that she will hunt Carrie down week to make sure she does it. Is it me, or did this scene seem eerily reminiscent of old Beverly Hills episodes where people need to convince Donna that she is beautiful and can be a model? Darren Star, shame on you for recycling old ideas!
So the girls are having lunch, and Samantha asks the waitress whether the vegetables they serve are organic. Carrie leans over and says, "They have beef pot pie on the menu. What do you think?" Hey, what's wrong with beef pot pie? Samantha orders hot water and lemon, which sounds really nasty. Charlotte asks Samantha whether it is hard to eat only organic foods, and Samantha tells them it is so hard that she had to pick up a guy last night to get the thoughts of a Big Mac out of her head. Miranda is all, "Talk about a happy meal!" Ba dum dum! Carrie tells Samantha she hasn't looked better, and Samantha tells them she is having nude photos taken of herself so that when she is old she can remember how hot she was. Carrie then tells them that she doesn't have the nerve to be in a charity fashion show. Samantha gets all excited about it, while Miranda piles the dressing on her salad and shoves leaves into her mouth. Charlotte tells Carrie she has to do the fashion show since she lives for fashion, and Carrie whines some more that she is a writer, not a model. Charlotte tells her there is no difference between strutting down a runway and walking down Fifth Avenue. Miranda exclaims that she can't believe she can keep her food down. And she is the only one of the four with food. What is up with that? Do the other three not eat lunch? Is this foreshadowing? I guess we'll find out in the future. Carrie whines even more about being judged by people if she models; the girls tell her that she won't be judged, and that she will be able keep the clothes she models. Carrie gets all giddy and thinks about doing it. Miranda is not amused and keeps shoving her salad into her mouth.
Miranda is then running on a treadmill at CRUNCH. We know it is CRUNCH because of the big CRUNCH signs strategically placed in the gym. Some guy is checking out Miranda as she cools down, and eventually comes over for some witty banter about working out and running. He finally introduces himself and tells her he has been watching her for months and finds her very sexy. Miranda is confused.
Miranda is on the phone with Carrie, telling her about the guy at the gym. Miranda can't believe that a guy would find her sexy after she'd been working out and was all sweaty. She says that men find her smart or cute but never sexy, and that she tries to get them to see her as sexy after she wins them over with her personality. Carrie is all, "You win men over with your personality?" to which Miranda immediately replies, "They want you to be a model?" Carrie hangs up on her. Point goes to Miranda!
Carrie is typing on her product-placed iBook that we can see our friends for what they are, but we can't see ourselves clearly. You know, a lot of times we can't even see our friends for what they are, so how are we supposed to see ourselves clearly? Carrie just likes people telling her she is pretty and fashionable.
Carrie tells us that Samantha sees herself "a little too clearly" as Samantha walks into a room set up for photography, wearing a robe. The photographer tells her that his assistant has music he can play to help her to get comfortable. She tells them that she is comfortable, as she whips off her robe and lifts one leg onto a prop. The photographer asks his assistant for a camera, and the assistant gawks for a moment. Yeah, I've never seen a hole that big and stretched on an older woman, either. Crikey!
Charlotte and Carrie are walking down the street when Charlotte asks for the name of Carrie's gyno. She tells Carrie that she may have a yeast infection; her doctor says it isn't, but she knows that something is just off. She asks Carrie to leave a message on her machine with the number. Carrie then asks her whether she knows any guys who may be interested in Stanford, since he may start going out with hookers. Then she asks Charlotte whether she thinks Carrie is strutting right now. No, Carrie: there is a difference between strutting and teetering on too-high heels.
Carrie tells us Charlotte decided that the perfect match for Stanford was her wedding-gown stylist, Mario Cantone. This guy is a riot, but it still kind of gives me the willies thinking that he was the host of a children's morning show called Steam Pipe Alley not many years ago. Someone complaining that his mother wanted him to get the best price on sheets at "Bed, Bath and Frickin Beyond" just doesn't seem the type to show cartoons and play games with kids, you know what I mean? So anyway, Charlotte convinces Mario to go on a blind date with Stanford, telling him that Ed Harris would play Stanford in a movie. I think Drew Carey would more likely play Stanford in a movie, don't you think?
Miranda is finishing her date with CRUNCH guy; it seems that she did almost no talking during the date. Miranda didn't mind, and CRUNCH guy seems to get turned on by it; they kiss, and he tells her she is sexy.
Carrie comes home to a ringing phone. It is Margaret Cho calling Carrie "Miss Mother Fucker" and asking her why Carrie hasn't called back. Carrie tells her that she doesn't know whether she can model, and Margaret tells her that Dolce and Gabbana picked her to dress. Carrie is one happy non-model. I hope Dolce and Gabbana will dress her in a new coat, because the '70s knit Technicolor dreamcoat she is wearing now is making my eyes bleed.
Oh, Alan Cumming! You are so perfect as the Dolce and Gabbana stylist guy who chooses what everyone wears for the show! Carrie walks out of the dressing room in a floral-print floor-length gown, and Alan tells us, "I likey." I guess that is fashion-speak for "the dress looks good." But he doesn't "likey" the length. Carrie tells him that they can put her in heels, because she lives in high-heeled shoes. No, Carrie, you stumble around in high-heeled shoes; you don't actually live in them. Alan thinks that the dress would look better on Heidi Klum. A photographer comes in and starts taking pictures. Alan introduces Carrie to Paul, the photographer. Carrie knows him and likes his photographs. Or does she "likey" his photographs? Alan tells her he wants her to try another outfit, and Paul takes random pictures of her while she pays no attention to him. After some flirting, Paul asks Carrie out. Alan shows her a blue sequined dress, and they both decide they "likey!" I almost gag at the baby-type talk.
Charlotte is in the stirrups at the gyno and the doctor tells her she has vulvodynia. She prescribes an anti-depressant for her vagina. I'm not going to go there.
At the restaurant where no one ever eats, Charlotte is explaining to Miranda and Carrie that anti-depressants will correct the imbalance in her depressed vagina. Miranda and Carrie ask what the symptoms are, like, "It can't meet its deadlines?" "It always want to go to Krispy Kreme?" I know many women who aren't depressed who want to go to Krispy Kreme. That would not necessarily be a symptom of depression. Case of the drunken munchies? Yes. Depression? Not really. Charlotte is annoyed with them, but then can't stop laughing. She tells them she has to keep a vagina journal. The waitress comes over and asks them whether they want to order. Carrie tells them they are waiting for someone, but that she will have a cup of hot water with lemon. Miranda suggests that Charlotte's "hmm-hmm would like to order a plate of fries." Oh that Miranda -- what a personality! No wonder men fall for her! According to Miranda's perception of food and depression, the way she was piling in the food in the last restaurant scene you would think she was down enough to kill herself. So anyway, Samantha arrives with her nude contact sheets. She asks Charlotte for her professional opinion. She tells Samantha that they aren't very "arty," and seems disgusted at the magnified picture of Samantha's cootch. She tells Samantha that she hasn't even looked at herself, so she doesn't want to look at other women's nether regions. Samantha can't believe that Charlotte hasn't looked at her own wonderfulness, and offers her compact so that Charlotte can go into the bathroom and check it out. Charlotte thinks that her vagina is ugly, and Miranda tells her that maybe that it why it is depressed. Samantha asks what she missed. You've missed the boat on subtlety and class -- that's what you've missed, Samantha.
Miranda is with CRUNCH guy at her apartment pouring herself a South African Chardonnay and telling him that she loves her life and is feeling very confident. She leans in to kiss him, and he takes a sip of his wine instead. Ouch! Carrie tells us that Miranda didn't know what changed between them.
Samantha is at a frame store telling the frame guy that she wants her frame for her nude photo to be "pure class." Honey, it is impossible for anything that contains your skanky nude body to have class. The frame guy seems to agree, and when she shows him her picture he acts like he could care less. She points out her breasts and ass in the picture, and he just suggests a matte color. Samantha gets frustrated because the guy isn't interested in her, and leaves.
Carrie and Paul are at her apartment drinking red wine and looking through a book of his photos. Paul gets embarrassed and he tells her he doesn't like doing fashion photography anymore, and that he does biography photos now. He shows her a candid photo he took of her at her fitting, tells her she looks beautiful, and then makes his move. The way to Carrie's bed is through her ego.
Carrie and Stanford are backstage at the fashion show. Stanford is wearing the same suit as before, but this time it is mustard yellow. What is up with the horrible suits he has to wear? I thought gay men had style! Carrie keeps telling Stanford she is a model, and that she is going to wear super-high heels. She is put over in the groups with the "Non-Models." Carrie gets cold feet when she finds out that she is modeling with Frank Rich and Fran Lebowitz and she realizes she isn't as good-looking as she thought they thought she was. Margaret Cho makes her stay, and gives her a split of champagne to calm her down. High heels and champagne. Perfect together.
Miranda and Samantha sit down by the runway. Miranda is complaining about CRUNCH guy's not wanting to kiss her. Samantha complains about the frame guy's not noticing her pussy when she laid it out on the table for him to see. For some reason, the people sitting in front of them are slightly disgusted. Cue the tubas for that wacky sex-talk comedy!
Carrie is backstage drinking and smoking. Alan's assistant tells her she is no longer wearing the blue sequined dress; she is wearing a bedazzled pair of panties. Alan tells her he saw that Dior is showing something like the blue dress right before her. Carrie tells him, "Me no likey," and asks Paul to help out. Alan tells her that the panties come with a coat. She tries on the panties, and Alan tells her that she needs big hair to go with them. Like her hair is naturally flat?
Charlotte arrives with Mario and sits between Mario and Stanford. Mario is immediately not interested. Stanford knows it, so he leaves to check on Carrie. Mario throws a hissy on Charlotte about being able to do a lot better than Stanford because he has nice arms and a nice ass. Picky bitch. Stanford is too good for him anyway!
Meanwhile, Stanford is bitching to Carrie about Charlotte's setting him up with such a queen. Carrie is wigging out while having her hair teased and drinking champagne from a straw. She asks for more champagne while Kevyn Aucoin starts doing her makeup, with his product-placed makeup book propped up by the mirror for all to see. She asks Stanford to get Samantha for her. When Stanford gives his pass to Samantha, he sits down and asks Charlotte where "her highness" is. Charlotte tells Stanford that Mario had a decorating emergency. Stanford gets upset because he got rejected by someone he wasn't even interested in. Poor Stanford. He just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?
Margaret Cho gets the fashion show started. The lights go down and the music starts. A model comes out, Ed Koch comes out, and then another model comes out. Samantha sees Carrie backstage and tells Carrie that she is a model. Carrie's ego is stroked enough that she is happy and ready to go. She goes out onto the runway, takes a few steps, trips, and falls. What a non-surprise! Margaret yells, "Fuck. Me. Hard! Heidi, go!" Heidi Klum walks out and walks over Carrie, who's lying there like roadkill. Paul takes pictures of the whole scene. Carrie gets up, fixes herself, and finishes her walk while everyone applauds for her. She tells us she did it "because when real people fall down in real life, they get up and keep on walking." And as she gets to the end of the runway she high-fives Heidi. Why? Hey, Heidi, thanks for not noticing I was sprawled out in front of you. Gimme five! Carrie walks back all pleased with herself.
Carrie tells us that her act of bravery "inspired other people to acts of bravery as well." Miranda confronts CRUNCH guy about what happened, and he tells her that he thought that she was full of herself. She is fine with that, and leaves. Samantha orders a greasy burger and faces her fear of not looking perfect. The delivery guy sees Samantha's framed photo and tells her she has a nice ass. She tips him an extra twenty dollars. And Charlotte finally got a good look at "Rebecca" in a hand mirror and liked what she saw. Aw, a happy ending for everyone!
Carrie then tells us that she "tucked away her jeweled underwear and [her] inner model" and went back to her life as a real person. Some people would beg to differ with the "real" part. Most "real" column writers can't afford her apartment or buy $500 shoes on a whim. Carrie then struts around her bedroom wearing a red tank top and men's tightie whities pretending to model some more. I finish off the bottle of champagne I had sitting in my refrigerator and count the days until the episode.