Kyle and his brother are playing tennis while Carrie tells us that after two months of marriage to Kyle, Charlotte's marriage looked like a bed of roses to everyone. Charlotte is sitting with her mother- and sister-in-law watching the boys play. Kyle's brother won't let the girls play with them because they are wearing pastels, since only whites are permitted when playing tennis; Kyle suggests that they bend the rules one time. Kyle's mom yells at Kyle that his father would roll over in his grave if he heard that, and Sister-In-Law tells Charlotte that there is a book of rules for being a MacDougal. Who in the hell has a dress code at their own home? Freaks! Mom thinks that a family's history is important. Charlotte just wants to know what the rules are. She goes to change her clothes, and Carrie tells us that Charlotte's history with Kyle was bad enough, because after a few weeks of trying to have a sex life, Kyle gave up. Okay, if Charlotte tried so hard in last week's episode to have a sex life and something worked, at least for a few minutes, don't you think she would work even harder to keep it going? I swear, the writers are killing me with the way they are just ignoring past storylines. It is becoming like Beverly Hills, . Zamfir's pan flute music starts playing in the background as Charlotte walks down a garden path and sees the gardener working on some rose bushes in the shape of anvils, his perfect chest and abs glistening with sweat. Charlotte gets moist.
The girls are eating sushi and Charlotte tells them how attracted she is to the gardener, and that couldn't keep her eyes off of his perfect body. She feels bad because she is married and shouldn't be thinking about the gardener, and Samantha asks, "What's the use of being in the suburbs if you're not gonna fuck a gardener?" Miranda wants to know if the guy will water plants in Manhattan. As Charlotte frets, Miranda sees Natasha coming into the restaurant. She tells Carrie not to look up, so of course she does, and she and Natasha make eye contact. Natasha give her the stink-eye and whispers something to the woman standing to her and that woman gives Carrie the stink-eye and then they turn around and leave. Carrie gets all upset and can't believe that someone in New York hates her so much. Carrie, there are people all over North America that hate you! Don't just limit yourself to the city!
Carrie tells us that she was so upset over Natasha giving her looks that kill that the only way to feel better was to go shopping. Somehow she got lost, and as she walks down a deserted street, you can see the atrocity wrapped around her body that she believes is a dress. The giraffe spots are proportional to an adult giraffe, which is about fifty times larger than Carrie, and the dress looks about fifty sizes too big for her. She sees someone walking down the street and as she asks for directions the guy pulls out a gun and mugs her. He takes her pocketbook, her rings, and her Manolo Blahniks. Carrie pleads for her shoes, and channels her role as Nell in Dudley Do-Right with this little quivering voice and big eyes. She complains to us that after living in the city for fifteen years she gets mugged. She walks into an Asian salon and yells out that she has been robbed. Everyone looks at her, and then goes back to what they were doing.
The two of them go to the party, and Samantha finds Sam Jones. He is a scrawny southern boy. Oh, wait, he is from Texas. That is what the closed captioning tells me: when he talks, it says "[in Texas accent]". Samantha tells him she has been getting "all [his] fucking calls." And he tells her, in a Texas accent, "Well if you're getting all my fucking calls, I guess that explains why I'm still a virgin!" Samantha looks shocked. It has been so long since she has seen a virgin that she can't believe her eyes.
Miranda walks the detective up to her apartment and tells him that she would invite him in, but she has a big day in the morning, so they share a hot and heavy kiss at her door. He tells her he will call her, and she stumbles into her apartment. Carrie tells us that Miranda thought she hit the cosmic jackpot.
Samantha and Carrie are walking down the stairs of the dorm, when two guys push past them and Carrie gets pushed down the stairs. As they are outside trying to get a cab, Carrie is complaining that her karma is getting her. Natasha fell down the stairs, and now she fell down the stairs, and now she can't get a cab, and normally she can always get a cab. Samantha wonders what her karmic connection is to Sam Jones, and then she decides that it is her duty to deflower him and let him have a great first time, like she didn't have. Honestly, did any woman have a good first time? I wonder if it is actually physically possible for a woman to have a good first time. My first time I felt like I was being stuffed like a turkey. As taxis are driving past the girls, they keep shouting out to them and waving their arms and Carrie actually yells out "Wazzuuh!" to a taxi. If someone yelled that out to me, I would drive away too.
Meanwhile, Charlotte is having American Beauty dreams of having sex with the gardener surrounded by roses, with Lord of the Dance music playing in the background. Her dream is so realistic to her that she is moaning and groaning in bed and knocking her head up against the headboard. Kyle wakes her up and tells her she was having a bad dream. Just bad for you, Kyle!
Carrie tells us that later that week she decided to take matters into her own hands. As she is wearing a bedazzled Beastie Boys shirt, she calls Natasha at work, and her assistant tells her that she is in a meeting. Carrie tells her she will wait, and the assistant tells her she will be waiting forever. Carrie doesn't get the clue and tells her she will keep waiting.
Carrie tells us that "the week, Charlotte flirted with her own karma." Charlotte walks over to the gardener and starts flirting with him. She asks what kind of roses he is working on, and he tells her it is a special hybrid of -- everyone say it with me now -- American Beauty. They start to make out, and Sister-In-Law sees them.
Sam Jones comes over to Samantha's place to apologize for all the calls, and then he tells her that he has been waiting for a woman like her all his life. He jumps her bones, and then we see the two of them going at it, but mostly we see Sam hootin' and hollerin' and Samantha's legs flying around. After a number of different positions we can see on Samantha's face that she is wondering what in the hell is going on, and when will it end. Sam finally bounces off Samantha and lies down to her. Samantha is wearing a slip, and you would think that for this guy's first time she would be naked for him. Sam tells Samantha that he is in love with her, and Samantha blows him off and tells him to leave.
Carrie tells us later that night, the MacDougals were enjoying cocktail hour...As they are all sitting around drinking, S-I-L tells them that she had a wonderful day riding horses in the morning and taking a walk around the grounds in the afternoon, and seeing Charlotte making out with the gardener. Charlotte looks mortified, but Mother tells her, "You're a MacDougal now!" Kyle looks at her like it is no big deal. End of scene. Huh? What the hell? Are all the MacDougal men lifeless in bed? Are the gardeners bred to be the MacDougal women's lovers? What's the story?!
Samantha checks her answering machine, and there are thirty-five messages. They are all from Sam Jones, and they start off friendly and become more and more desperate. She looks over at her stove and finds a rabbit boiling in a pot.
Carrie tells us that, across town, Miranda met her karmic treasure for dinner. They are sharing witty conversation, and Miranda downs a double vodka martini. She looks around and notices that every woman in the restaurant is staring at her date. She starts thinking that the women are wondering what a good-looking guy is doing with her, so she starts drinking more to feel better about herself. Carrie tells us, "Six vodka martinis later, she was feeling pretty damn good." They stumble into Miranda's apartment, and detective tells her she is a little drunk. Pretty good deduction there, Detective. Did you figure that out all by yourself? They start going at it in the hallway, and Miranda pulls him to the door of her bedroom. She yells out, "I'm no Mena Suvari, but I'm great in bed!" and she pushes him into her bedroom. What the fuck is with all the American Beauty references? Why? Did the writers do this all on a dare or challenge or something?
Charlotte finds Kyle out on the tennis court at night, in his boxers, practicing his serve. In the position he is standing in, he should be serving the balls into the side of the court that Charlotte is standing in, and since she is standing right at the net he should be serving balls right into her chest. Instead, the balls are going into the other side. Well, if the writers are slacking, I guess the continuity people can slack too. I guess they're getting tired, since it is the penultimate episode of the season. Charlotte apologizes for what happened. He tells her that, since he can't meet her needs, she will need to find it elsewhere, and that even though he doesn't like it, he will need to look the other way. She tells him that she wants a husband who makes her not want to kiss the gardener. He tells her that no marriage is perfect, and that they can have separate lives and still be together. Charlotte tells him that when they get back to the city they should separate for a while. He says, "All righty."