Carrie tells us that New Yorkers have all sorts of routines. Miranda is getting ready for a first date with Will O'Connor, whom she met at Starbucks, and she is getting all dressed up and finishing up her make-up. Carrie then tells us that Samantha enjoys her "end-of-the-first-date routine," which is having sex on her wheeled bed as it rolls around the room. Why in the hell does Samantha have her bed on wheels? One day she is going to crash her bed into her neighbor's living room and light it on fire, since she has a number of lit candles also on her love-nest-to-go. Charlotte's and Kyle's routine is to try to have sex, and this night Kyle's "sail is up," but as soon as he tries to dock it into "Rebecca's harbor," the "wind died." Charlotte tells us that after a week of that routine, "the only thing getting up in their bed was Charlotte's libido." Then Carrie tells us her routine was spending every night in to work. She gets a call from Miranda telling her that Miranda got stood up for her first date. After some whining about being stood up and being older and knowing better, Miranda asks her to go out for drinks, but Carrie tells her that she has to stay in because agreed to teach a class at the Learning Annex about where to meet men in the city, called "Bright Lights, Date City." Now, wouldn't it be good research to go out for drinks and meet men? She could give her students a good example of where to go, or not to go. Miranda is all annoyed and decides to get off the phone with Carrie and call Will to see what his problem is. When she calls, Will's mother answers the phone, and when Miranda starts getting pissy with Will's mother about him standing her up, she tells Miranda that Will died that day. Well, I hope Miranda enjoys the shoes she is wearing since she planted one of them in her mouth right then.
The girls are at breakfast, and Miranda tells them what happened. Insert stupid comment from Carrie about knowing why some guys don't call back. Miranda tells them he had a heart attack at the gym, and that she felt so bad that she told his mother that she would go to the wake. Samantha tells them that she got them reservations at Samba Friday, and tells Charlotte that she could only get a reservation for four and if it would be okay if Kyle stayed home. Charlotte tells them it is fine since Kyle doesn't seem up for much lately, and then she tells them that for the past week they have been trying to have sex, but she is having a hard time saying "have sex," so Samantha helps her and blurts out, "Fuck?" and Charlotte tells them, "It's just not…" "Getting big and hard?" Samantha guesses. Carrie asks, "What is this, dirty Mad Libs?" Carrie finally gets a good one-liner in! Even my husband laughed at that, and he hates Carrie. Charlotte tells them that she is getting so turned on that she almost, you know, last night, right to her husband. The girls tell her there is nothing wrong with masturbating and that everyone does it, and Samantha tells her she masturbated that morning. Thank you for telling us that. Charlotte doesn't know what is wrong, because Kyle masturbates and looks at porn but just isn't interested in her. Samantha tells her he has a Madonna-Whore problem with her, and he doesn't see her as a "sexual plaything" and that he needs to start seeing her differently. Thanks for reading the SATC forums and coming up with that conclusion!
Carrie tells us that she had no idea that desperate New York woman there were out there. She walks into her classroom and the room is filled. She walks up to the podium and starts talking, and she is still holding onto her pocketbook. She tells them that there are two million men in the city and that she has dated one million of them. If she has dated so many men, why is she so fucking naive about bisexuality and fetishes? Still holding her pocketbook, Carrie tells them that they just need to look around where they live and they could bump into the man of their dreams. A woman asks her to be more specific and to tell them where they can meet men. Carrie tells them that they can meet men at Samba. Yeah, if it takes Samantha a week to get a reservation, I'm sure all these desperate women can just waltz on in there and grab themselves a man. And monkeys might fly out of my ass. Carrie then tells them that they can meet men at sports bars, like Mickey Mantle's, and a woman yells out that she had been there and the men were all married. Carrie starts fumbling around trying to think of other places to go, because apparently those are the only two places in New York City that she has ever been to. Oh, wait, they aren't, and she has no notes with her to help her along with her class. Nice preparation there, Carrie. What the hell has she been doing at home every night? Masturbating? Another woman asks her if she is or ever has been married. Carrie says no, and then she explains that she isn't an expert on men and that she just writes about sex. Another woman asks why they paid to listen to her, then. Carrie tells us the only thing she learned at the Learning Annex that night was that she should have stayed home.
Carrie is at her laptop and wondering about getting older and dating, and asks, "Are we getting wiser, or just older?" No, just older. Much, much older.
Carrie joins Miranda at the wake, and she tells Miranda about her horrible time at the Learning Annex. They go in to see Will lying in the casket, and Carrie thinks he was really cute. Miranda is all, "He was. Damn!" Meanwhile, at the after-wake party, they talk about how Will had money put aside for his wake and marveled at how organized he was. Carrie is checking out all the cute guys, and one of them comes over to say hello to Carrie. His name is Jim, and he dated Carrie eight years ago. She introduces him to Miranda and they share some small talk. Miranda is smitten. When Jim goes to get them drinks, Carrie tells her that he is an asshole. After she broke up with him, he spread rumors about her and was snide to her. When Jim comes back, Carrie leaves, and he asks Miranda out on a date. She gives him her card. Carrie tells us, "Apparently Will's death turned Miranda into my target audience, a desperate woman." I think anyone who wants to spend time with Carrie is desperate.
Carrie then tells us that downtown, Samantha was getting some, and we see her in bed with a guy wheeling past the window, and then Carrie tells us that uptown, Charlotte was getting nothing, and we see her and Kyle in bed and Charlotte looking frustrated. Thanks for telling us what we've all known for a few weeks now, Carrie.
The girls are at breakfast again and Samantha tells them that she almost broke the bed with her lover. Charlotte doesn't believe you can break a bed, and Miranda asks her what her new man does for a living, and Carrie asks her if he goes to Mickey Mantle's. Samantha doesn't know or care, and Charlotte wonders how Samantha could not know anything about a man she slept with. Samantha tells her that she didn't sleep with him, she fucked him, and she came six times, and Charlotte asks her why she has to talk about it all the time. Samantha tells her she talks about it because she can. Miranda and Carrie try to disappear, as Charlotte yells at Samantha that she can't just sleep with any guy that comes along. Samantha calls Charlotte "Mrs. Softee" and tells her that at least she can get sex. Charlotte is disgusted and leaves, and Samantha yells at her that she can forget about Samba. Samantha then looks at Carrie and Miranda and yells out, "That girl needs the stick out of her ass and a dick in her coochie, pronto! Am I right?" Carrie and Miranda tell her that they are going to stay out of it, but they really want to tell her she needs a stepladder to get over herself and her anonymous fucks. Samantha tells them they can forget about Samba too.
Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street together; they talk about the fight between Charlotte and Samantha and decide they are going to stay completely out of it. Miranda asks Carrie if it is okay for her to go out on a date with Jim. Carrie gets all annoyed and tells her that Jim "needs to be voted off the island." Oh, I guess that was a Survivor reference/joke. One that was old and annoying, oh, say, two months ago? Miranda thinks that Jim has changed in the eight years since he dated Carrie, and since he is alive and asked her out, she really wants to go. Carrie still thinks he is an asshole. I think it is really out of Miranda's character to be willing to date someone just because they aren't dead. What happened to the independent woman with the vibrator in her night stand?
Charlotte is with Carrie, looking at sexy lingerie made of leather and see-through plastic, and Carrie tells us that in order for Kyle to see the sexual side of Charlotte, she was going to have to "dress the part." Charlotte puts some frilly thing up to her chest and asks Carrie what she thinks. Carrie tells her that what she is holding isn't a top, it's a bottom. Carrie wonders why she doesn't get lingerie from a more upscale shop, and Charlotte tells her she doesn't want to be herself, she wants to be someone else. She shows Carrie some crotchless panties and asks her what they say, and Carrie is all, "Uh, read my lips?" which I guess is supposed to be a put-down of the crotchless panties, but really, that is what Kyle should be doing, reading Charlotte's lips: She Wants Sex! And again, for a woman who writes about sex for a living, Carrie sure looks uncomfortable looking at funky lingerie. I guess she threw out the notion of writing about something she knows. Carrie tells her pointedly that Samantha would be better at helping her pick out lingerie, and Charlotte tells her that she needs a break from Samantha. Carrie tells her that Samantha didn't mean to be hurtful, and that there were two people fighting. Charlotte tells her she has enough problems and doesn't need a lecture from her. Carrie tells us that was the second lecture that week that didn't go well. That's what happens when you don't prepare!
Carrie tells us that Samantha decided to take a break from all of them and decided to go shopping. Samantha is looking at a scarf hanging over a rod and tries to pull it off the rod. Another woman pulls back on the other side, and they fight for the scarf, each saying they saw the scarf first. The woman, who looks like Samantha if she were in her fifties and about thirty pounds heavier with a southern accent, introduces herself as Claire Anne; she tells Samantha she likes her spunk, and that women like her are a dying breed. She offers to let Samantha have the scarf if she shows her where she can get a "hard drink in a dark bar." Samantha grins and is all, "Done, and done!" Because Samantha is all about getting things done.
Miranda and Jim are on a date, and things are going swimmingly. Miranda is still harping on the fact that her last date died, and the fact that Jim was still alive made the date a success. Jim gives her a little kiss, and he tells her that since he was with Carrie he has changed and is a better person. They decide to see each other again. I decide to pour myself a large glass of wine to deal with Miranda and her sick search for a living boyfriend.
Carrie tells us that Miranda called to tell her about her date with Jim. Carrie picks up the phone while she is washing hot pink bras in her bathroom sink. Why would anyone have more than one hot pink bra? They talk for a bit about how Carrie's first lecture was so bad that people asked for their money back, and she doesn't know if she is going to do another lecture like she told them she would do. To make Carrie feel better, Miranda tells her she went out on a date with Jim. Carrie is all ready to tell her "I told you so!" but Miranda tells her the date went great and that Jim is a wonderful guy. Carrie can't believe she is talking about the same man she dated. Miranda wants her to believe that Jim has changed so she tells Carrie to join her and Jim for a drink on Friday.
Carrie tells us that Charlotte decided to spend some time with her old friends from Kappa Kappa Gamma. All the women are in cardigans and Laura Ashley outfits, sitting at a hoity-toity restaurant. The girls all look at a picture of Kyle and gush about how handsome he is, and then talk about being married and how, when they were newlyweds, they never got out of bed. Charlotte downs her third martini and tells the girls that Kyle can't get it up and she is frustrated. The girls look on in disgust as Charlotte tells them that she wants to have a good pounding, where the bed moves and her head is about to explode from knocking against the headboard. They begin to look like they have the vapors as Charlotte goes on about wanting a really good fuck. Carrie tells us that "the only heads blowing off were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma." The girls tell her that what she is talking about is inappropriate since they are eating, and they don't know what kind of person she has turned into. Carrie tells us, "Charlotte realized how much they've all changed since college. Her friends had become frenemies. And to them, she had become…Samantha." Charlotte throws some money on the table and struts off, walking like Samantha would.
Samantha and Claire Anne are at a bar and toasting to being new friends. Samantha invites her to Samba, and tells her the reservation is for four. Claire Anne scans the bar and sees two guys sitting at a table and tells Samantha, "Done, and done!" Carrie tells us, "An hour later Samantha couldn't believe how much fun she was having. She had finally found a woman as open about her sexuality as she was." Samantha announces that the blonde guy is hers as she slides closer to him, and Claire Anne looks at the other guy, who sort of looks like Adam Rich, and yells out, "I could just eat you up. Yes, I could. I'm gonna eat you up!" and then she crawls under the table and starts giving the guy a blowjob. The blonde guy thinks it is great, but Samantha is embarrassed and knocks on the table and tells Claire Anne to stop. She doesn't, and Samantha leaves and yells back at Claire Anne that she can forget Samba. Carrie tells us that Samantha realized that she had a little bit of Charlotte in her. Aw, isn't that special? Even though Samantha and Charlotte seem like opposites, they really are like each other! Whatever.
Carrie is with Miranda and Jim at a nice bar, and Carrie is being attacked by Mothra! Oh, no, wait. It is just a fugly metal winged bug on a necklace about the size of one of her big-ass flowers. I don't know which one is worse. They are having a nice conversation, and Jim asks the waiter for another drink for Miranda and ignores the fact that Carrie's glass is empty. Jim then tells Carrie that even though they hadn't been in touch for eight years, he had kept up with her by reading her column. He mentions that there is a lot of sex in her column, and then nonchalantly adds that she didn't know a lot about sex when they were together. Carrie immediately realizes that she still doesn't know a lot about sex and decides to leave before he figures that out. Miranda and Jim ask her to stay, and then Miranda asks her if she heard Jim play in his band. Jim tells her that Carrie never did, because she was too busy buying shoes to walk all over him. Miranda tells him to quit it, and then tells him he is an asshole. He tells Miranda that Carrie is the asshole for never calling him after she broke up with him. Carrie yells out to him that she never called him because he was an asshole. Miranda tells him to never call her again, and Jim is all, "Oh, the fancy lawyer lady is breaking up with me. Like I give a shit! You are such assholes!" What are we, back in eighth grade? Miranda and Carrie walk off holding hands, as Carrie tells us, "Jim hadn't gotten older or wiser. Once dumped, he dumped on everyone else." Outside, Carrie and Miranda are walking together and Carrie is yelling out, "I told you so!" and they talk about what an asshole Jim was. Oh, that Carrie, she certainly told Miranda. Maybe we should all take Carrie's dating class to learn what NOT to do to find a man, since she apparently only picks the big losers.
Carrie tells us that "the Samantha in Charlotte was ready to come out." Charlotte comes out of the bathroom in a floral see-through negligée that you can see her nipples through, and she saunters over to Kyle, who is reading in bed. Kyle looks almost disgusted at what Charlotte is wearing, but to be honest with you, the outfit Charlotte has on is sexy, yet totally beautiful and absolutely perfect for her. I would be turned on, and I'm not into women! Kyle asks her what she has on, and she tells him it is supposed to be sexy. Kyle tells her that she is his wife and that is not her, so take it off. Damn, that is hurtful. If my husband said something like that to me I would run off crying, but I guess a lack of nookie will lead a woman to desperate measures. Charlotte takes the negligée off in front of him and is only wearing panties. Kyle goes back to reading, and Charlotte tells him to look at her. She tells him, "This is me. I'm not a Madonna, and I'm not a whore. I'm your wife, and I'm sexual and I love you." She starts to put her hand down the front of her panties, and it gives Kyle a stiffy. Carrie tells us, "That night, Trey successfully screwed his wife for a full minute and a half…before the wind died." Woo hoo! Charlotte got some! Celebrate!
Carrie then tells us that, after it was over, Charlotte called the one person who would appreciate it the most. Charlotte calls Samantha and tells her that Kyle fucked her. Samantha congratulates her and reminds her about Samba. She then asks Charlotte if she came, and of course Charlotte is too shy to say anything. Carrie tells us that, after spending time with their frenemies, the two of them remembered that they were friends.
Carrie decides that she is, in fact, older and wiser, and that she's going to keep her promise to teach a second class at the Learning Annex. This time there are only six women in attendance. Carrie is still clinging to her pocketbook, but this time she decides to do a "hands-on" type of class and takes the women to a bar to pick up men. Carrie tells one of the students that a guy is checking her out so she should go over and ask the guy for a light. The girls watch as she works it. Carrie then stops one guy and introduces him to one of the girls. Carrie then tells us that she made three matches that night and ends the show with, "Those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach, do." And those who can't do either write about it in a newspaper column.