Kyle and his brother are playing tennis while Carrie tells us that after two months of marriage to Kyle, Charlotte's marriage looked like a bed of roses to everyone. Charlotte is sitting with her mother- and sister-in-law watching the boys play. Kyle's brother won't let the girls play with them because they are wearing pastels, since only whites are permitted when playing tennis; Kyle suggests that they bend the rules one time. Kyle's mom yells at Kyle that his father would roll over in his grave if he heard that, and Sister-In-Law tells Charlotte that there is a book of rules for being a MacDougal. Who in the hell has a dress code at their own home? Freaks! Mom thinks that a family's history is important. Charlotte just wants to know what the rules are. She goes to change her clothes, and Carrie tells us that Charlotte's history with Kyle was bad enough, because after a few weeks of trying to have a sex life, Kyle gave up. Okay, if Charlotte tried so hard in last week's episode to have a sex life and something worked, at least for a few minutes, don't you think she would work even harder to keep it going? I swear, the writers are killing me with the way they are just ignoring past storylines. It is becoming like Beverly Hills, . Zamfir's pan flute music starts playing in the background as Charlotte walks down a garden path and sees the gardener working on some rose bushes in the shape of anvils, his perfect chest and abs glistening with sweat. Charlotte gets moist.
The girls are eating sushi and Charlotte tells them how attracted she is to the gardener, and that couldn't keep her eyes off of his perfect body. She feels bad because she is married and shouldn't be thinking about the gardener, and Samantha asks, "What's the use of being in the suburbs if you're not gonna fuck a gardener?" Miranda wants to know if the guy will water plants in Manhattan. As Charlotte frets, Miranda sees Natasha coming into the restaurant. She tells Carrie not to look up, so of course she does, and she and Natasha make eye contact. Natasha give her the stink-eye and whispers something to the woman standing to her and that woman gives Carrie the stink-eye and then they turn around and leave. Carrie gets all upset and can't believe that someone in New York hates her so much. Carrie, there are people all over North America that hate you! Don't just limit yourself to the city!
Carrie tells us that she was so upset over Natasha giving her looks that kill that the only way to feel better was to go shopping. Somehow she got lost, and as she walks down a deserted street, you can see the atrocity wrapped around her body that she believes is a dress. The giraffe spots are proportional to an adult giraffe, which is about fifty times larger than Carrie, and the dress looks about fifty sizes too big for her. She sees someone walking down the street and as she asks for directions the guy pulls out a gun and mugs her. He takes her pocketbook, her rings, and her Manolo Blahniks. Carrie pleads for her shoes, and channels her role as Nell in Dudley Do-Right with this little quivering voice and big eyes. She complains to us that after living in the city for fifteen years she gets mugged. She walks into an Asian salon and yells out that she has been robbed. Everyone looks at her, and then goes back to what they were doing.
As she is telling a detective what happened, Miranda comes in with a pair of her shoes to give Carrie, and Carrie introduces the detective to Miranda. The detective looks interested in Miranda, makes a lame joke about Miranda's rights, and asks her for her card so he can call her. Carrie shuffles out in Miranda's shoes, which are about five sizes too big. They go with her too-big dress.
Samantha gets a bunch of messages on her answering machine for a Sam Jones, and people are talking about getting ready for a big party. The phone rings and she answers it, and the guy on the other end asks for Sam Jones. Samantha tells him that she is Sam Jones. Since when has she gone by Sam Jones? Whatever! She asks where the party is.
Carrie tells us that Miranda had a date with the detective the evening. Miranda is running around her bedroom in a bra and some sort of lacy slip. She calls Carrie and tells her that her date has been in her apartment for twenty minutes and she can't figure out what to wear. How rude! If I went to pick up someone for a date and that person wasn't even dressed, unless there was some legit reason why the person in question wasn't dressed I would leave and tell them to call me when they figure out how to tell time. Carrie, who is wearing some bizarre floral print overall shorts with a striped shirt that is too big in the arms, tells her to wear the first outfit that comes to mind. Miranda tells her she doesn't have a good enough outfit since she thinks that her date is too good-looking for her. Hey, the guy is good-looking, but not that good-looking. I don't know where Miranda is getting such low self-esteem lately. Oh, that's right. From the idiotic writers. Carrie tells her that after all the years of dating freaks, she is finally getting what she deserves. Miranda pulls the falsies out of her bra and thanks Carrie for her help.
Carrie walks around her room and asks us, if someone has a string of bad dates, is she due to have a good date, and if someone hurts someone in a relationship, will that person get hurt in the future? As she throws away her empty Manolo Blahnik shoe box she asks, "Does everything that goes around really come around?...Is there such a thing as Relationship Karma?"
Carrie then tells us that she went with Samantha to the infamous Sam Jones party. They are walking down the street looking for the address Samantha had, and Carrie is complaining that they are going to complete stranger's party, and is afraid that someone is going to jump out and steal her bra. I guess that's why she isn't wearing one; she's wearing this strapless dress that isn't exactly cut to have support underneath. And Mothra is attacking her again, but this time it's attacking her stomach. Samantha thinks there is some cosmic purpose for going to this party, since they both have the same names. Carrie asks if there was a cosmic purpose for meeting up with Natasha at the restaurant, and for some reason, this prompts Samantha to tell Carrie that she heard that Natasha left Big and is back to working at Ralph Lauren. Carrie is shocked and can't believe she is responsible for breaking up their marriage. What did you think sleeping with a married man would do to his marriage? Make it stronger? thing you know, Carrie is going to start believing old pre-teen tales about sex - "You mean you CAN get pregnant if you have sex standing up? But it is still true that you can't get pregnant if you're wearing heels, right?" They find the address they were looking for, and it is a college dorm.
The two of them go to the party, and Samantha finds Sam Jones. He is a scrawny southern boy. Oh, wait, he is from Texas. That is what the closed captioning tells me: when he talks, it says "[in Texas accent]". Samantha tells him she has been getting "all [his] fucking calls." And he tells her, in a Texas accent, "Well if you're getting all my fucking calls, I guess that explains why I'm still a virgin!" Samantha looks shocked. It has been so long since she has seen a virgin that she can't believe her eyes.
Miranda walks the detective up to her apartment and tells him that she would invite him in, but she has a big day in the morning, so they share a hot and heavy kiss at her door. He tells her he will call her, and she stumbles into her apartment. Carrie tells us that Miranda thought she hit the cosmic jackpot.
Samantha and Carrie are walking down the stairs of the dorm, when two guys push past them and Carrie gets pushed down the stairs. As they are outside trying to get a cab, Carrie is complaining that her karma is getting her. Natasha fell down the stairs, and now she fell down the stairs, and now she can't get a cab, and normally she can always get a cab. Samantha wonders what her karmic connection is to Sam Jones, and then she decides that it is her duty to deflower him and let him have a great first time, like she didn't have. Honestly, did any woman have a good first time? I wonder if it is actually physically possible for a woman to have a good first time. My first time I felt like I was being stuffed like a turkey. As taxis are driving past the girls, they keep shouting out to them and waving their arms and Carrie actually yells out "Wazzuuh!" to a taxi. If someone yelled that out to me, I would drive away too.
Meanwhile, Charlotte is having American Beauty dreams of having sex with the gardener surrounded by roses, with Lord of the Dance music playing in the background. Her dream is so realistic to her that she is moaning and groaning in bed and knocking her head up against the headboard. Kyle wakes her up and tells her she was having a bad dream. Just bad for you, Kyle!
Carrie tells us that later that week she decided to take matters into her own hands. As she is wearing a bedazzled Beastie Boys shirt, she calls Natasha at work, and her assistant tells her that she is in a meeting. Carrie tells her she will wait, and the assistant tells her she will be waiting forever. Carrie doesn't get the clue and tells her she will keep waiting.
Carrie tells us that "the week, Charlotte flirted with her own karma." Charlotte walks over to the gardener and starts flirting with him. She asks what kind of roses he is working on, and he tells her it is a special hybrid of -- everyone say it with me now -- American Beauty. They start to make out, and Sister-In-Law sees them.
Sam Jones comes over to Samantha's place to apologize for all the calls, and then he tells her that he has been waiting for a woman like her all his life. He jumps her bones, and then we see the two of them going at it, but mostly we see Sam hootin' and hollerin' and Samantha's legs flying around. After a number of different positions we can see on Samantha's face that she is wondering what in the hell is going on, and when will it end. Sam finally bounces off Samantha and lies down to her. Samantha is wearing a slip, and you would think that for this guy's first time she would be naked for him. Sam tells Samantha that he is in love with her, and Samantha blows him off and tells him to leave.
Carrie tells us later that night, the MacDougals were enjoying cocktail hour...As they are all sitting around drinking, S-I-L tells them that she had a wonderful day riding horses in the morning and taking a walk around the grounds in the afternoon, and seeing Charlotte making out with the gardener. Charlotte looks mortified, but Mother tells her, "You're a MacDougal now!" Kyle looks at her like it is no big deal. End of scene. Huh? What the hell? Are all the MacDougal men lifeless in bed? Are the gardeners bred to be the MacDougal women's lovers? What's the story?!
Samantha checks her answering machine, and there are thirty-five messages. They are all from Sam Jones, and they start off friendly and become more and more desperate. She looks over at her stove and finds a rabbit boiling in a pot.
Carrie tells us that, across town, Miranda met her karmic treasure for dinner. They are sharing witty conversation, and Miranda downs a double vodka martini. She looks around and notices that every woman in the restaurant is staring at her date. She starts thinking that the women are wondering what a good-looking guy is doing with her, so she starts drinking more to feel better about herself. Carrie tells us, "Six vodka martinis later, she was feeling pretty damn good." They stumble into Miranda's apartment, and detective tells her she is a little drunk. Pretty good deduction there, Detective. Did you figure that out all by yourself? They start going at it in the hallway, and Miranda pulls him to the door of her bedroom. She yells out, "I'm no Mena Suvari, but I'm great in bed!" and she pushes him into her bedroom. What the fuck is with all the American Beauty references? Why? Did the writers do this all on a dare or challenge or something?
Charlotte finds Kyle out on the tennis court at night, in his boxers, practicing his serve. In the position he is standing in, he should be serving the balls into the side of the court that Charlotte is standing in, and since she is standing right at the net he should be serving balls right into her chest. Instead, the balls are going into the other side. Well, if the writers are slacking, I guess the continuity people can slack too. I guess they're getting tired, since it is the penultimate episode of the season. Charlotte apologizes for what happened. He tells her that, since he can't meet her needs, she will need to find it elsewhere, and that even though he doesn't like it, he will need to look the other way. She tells him that she wants a husband who makes her not want to kiss the gardener. He tells her that no marriage is perfect, and that they can have separate lives and still be together. Charlotte tells him that when they get back to the city they should separate for a while. He says, "All righty."
Carrie is at home smoking; she tells us that she called Natasha seven times and she still hadn't returned her call. Why would she? Why would she want to hear from the woman who broke up her marriage? Carrie tells us that Buddhists believe that you pay for what you do in this life in your life. Of course, this isn't good enough for Carrie, and she decides that she needs to be forgiven now. What a selfish bitch. I don't know who Carrie thinks she is, that she could just say "I'm sorry!" to someone whose life she turned upside down, and think that it would make everyone's life better. Didn't she learn when she confessed to CIM about the affair, that confessing and apologizing doesn't do anything but hurt the other person and make them feel like shit? Carrie wins the Golden Stepladder award, for the character in most need of getting over herself.
Miranda walks in a hangover haze out of her bedroom while grabbing onto the walls, and looks for the detective. She finds a note from him with the number of the local AA chapter. I can't believe the writers made Miranda sink so low. It is a crime what they did to her in the past few episodes. And really, the detective didn't seem to mind her drunkenness the night before -- why be bothered with it in the morning?
As Sam is pounding on Samantha's door screaming, "I love you Sam Jones!" Carrie tells us that Samantha got her karmic retribution. "She realized that in screwing Sam Jones, she wound up screwed herself." I'm not even going to go into how sick this storyline was, because we all know that the whole thing was just so wrong and a number of levels. It wasn't funny, it was sad, and if a man that old decided to take the virginity of a girl that young just for the karma of it all, everyone would be yelling Statutory Rape. I have a friend who lost his virginity to a woman her age, and it really screwed up his ability to have a healthy relationship for a long time. And that's all I have to say about that.
A few days later, Charlotte moves back into her old apartment. Carrie tells us that Charlotte was lucky to have only subletted the apartment. Yeah, what a lucky girl she is.
Carrie tells us because she didn't want to live her life as a dung beetle, she found out where Natasha was having lunch; she accosts Natasha at the restaurant. She is wearing a Christian Dior newspaper-print dress with no bra (I guess she is still afraid someone will steal it) and she sits down at Natasha's table (that has a big-ass flower as a centerpiece) and tells her she needs to talk to her. After taking a big gulp from Natasha's water glass, she tells Natasha she heard about her marriage and thinks it was so terrible and didn't mean it to happen and could take it all back if she could, and she is deeply sorry and what she did was wrong, blah blah blah apologycakes. Natasha asks her if she is finished, and then tells her that she is sorry "he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. I'm sorry we ever got married. I'm sorry he cheated on me with you, and I'm sorry I pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs, and broke my tooth...Finally, I'm sorry you felt the need to come down here. Now not only have you ruined my marriage, you've ruined my lunch." Go Natasha! She should have ended it with a bitch-slap upside Carrie's inflated head. Natasha's date arrives, and Carrie leaves. As she walks away Carrie tells us she realized her "actions had set into motion a karmic chain of events that put Natasha back on the singles market."
Carrie is walking down the street in slow motion, her hair and boobs flopping around very slowly, her left boob hanging much lower than her right, as she tells us that Big was somewhere out there alone again, at that the universe may not play fair, but it has a sense of humor. She looks into the camera and gives a look like she is trying to fart without making a noise.
Up , the season finale! Woohoo!