The ballerina/bag lady does a pas de d'oh on a busy New York City sidewalk, and the credits end.
Carrie brags about Manhattan in the voice-over as "a place where you can get anything, anytime." We see Miranda hail a cab "at 2 a.m." and Samantha receive a delivery of Chinese "at 3 a.m." Chinese food, that is; she already has a naked guy standing behind her as she answers the door for the delivery guy. Then we see Carrie running up to her dry cleaners, which is all locked up, and she bitches about them not being open, although I guess this is 4 a.m. The tuba on the soundtrack bleats, and I guess we're supposed to think some cruel plot is afoot to keep Carrie away from her fine unwashables, and we're not supposed to come to the conclusion that Carrie needs to stop being a whiny princess and start showing up at the dry cleaners during their normal business hours. I'm sure there must be a 24-hour dry cleaners in Manhattan; why didn't she just take her clothes there? Besides, it's not like she has a day job; she writes her column one day a week, then has lunches, boozes it up, and shoe-shops the other six days. Whatever. ["Amen, sister." -- Nicole]
Then we cut to a montage of Charlotte and Kyle MacLachlan, with whom she's "spending all of her time." Carrie VOs that's Kyle's name is Trey and he's a doctor with "family money," but we'll call him Kyle and try not to be surprised that Charlotte's latest (and perhaps final) hubby candidate happens to be loaded. We see a montage of Charlotte and Kyle necking and doing romantic date things. If you've seen an Estee Lauder perfume commercial, you know the drill, so I'll spare you the details. Except for one: Charlotte's not putting out for him yet. Carrie wraps things up by telling us Kyle was "one New Yorker who wasn't getting anything anytime." ["He probably has Nomi Malone on the side to have crazy pool sex with." -- Nicole]
Did y'all know the theme this week is time? If not, run for cover, 'cause there's metaphor storm brewing.
Cut to a nail salon, where Carrie and Charlotte are holding their freshly painted nails under drying lamps and Charlotte is gushing about Kyle. She confesses to Carrie that she let Kyle get to second. Carrie: "Avenue?" Charlotte tells her that she means second base. Carrie makes a high-school level relationship allusion, but stumbles by mentioning "physics class," as if she or Charlotte are supposedly brainy enough to have taken physics in high school. Charlotte giggles and admits that Kyle may be "the one," so she's "trying not to ruin it by having sex with him too early." She adds her belief that if you don't have sex for a year, you can "re-grow" your virginity. Carrie takes this as a cue to tell us how she lost her virginity. Yeah, I know, no one asked, but if you must know, it involved a rec room ping-pong table, half a joint, and less time than it takes to dissolve a package of Pop Rocks. Which was fine by Carrie, because we all know she lacks patience; she's even trying to rush her nail-drying in this scene by waving her hands about and blowing on them, which, along with the Nicorette gum smacking, is so terribly, terribly classy. Not. .
Speaking of Carrie's lack of taste and class, we cut to her bed, where Chris in the Morning, clad only in boxers, white socks, and several leather and pewter chokers, has beached himself for the duration. Carrie VOs that they never leave this bed (negating the scene in which Carrie ventured out to have her nails done with Charlotte) and her mattress has become "our restaurant, our entertainment center, our own little New York." Which is apt, since CIM is definitely large enough to embody one if not all of the five boroughs. Can Giuliani clean up the blighted eyesores in this New York, please? Anyway, the camera zooms towards CIM's preponderance of potbelly as he lies on his back like a pasha and Carrie feeds noodles into his mouth. She wonders when a "search party" will be sent to find them. CIM unworriedly replies, "Spring thaw," because he has enough blubber on him to last another seven months on her bed without fear of starvation.
Cut to Samantha taking envelopes out of her mailbox in her lobby. Carrie VOs some exposition about Samantha's new apartment in the meatpacking district. ["I wish the writers would stop making a point of saying how 'hip and trendy' the meatpacking district is -- it isn't anymore." -- Sars] And that Samantha had "a new admirer." Cue the Hey It's That Guy who plays Dr. Cusamano on The Sopranos to pop in from the stairwell and leer at her, declaring, "There goes the neighborhood!" He has so much room to talk with his Mr. Furley patter and untucked white linen caftan-ish shirt and greying ponytail. Not. He introduces himself as Len, and Samantha lets him kiss her hand before completely blowing off his offer to join him for a "mean wine spritzer." ["I think the words 'mean' and 'wine spritzer' are mutually exclusive, don't you?" -- Nicole] Carrie VOs that Samantha thought he was an "over-the-hill loser," in case we couldn't read all that from the context of the actors' body language, expressions and dialogue. But we could, so let's move on.
Cut to a martini bar, where we join Samantha in mid-hissy because her mail included a catalog for pre-menopausal women called New Transitions. She tells the other members of the Fab Four, "I am not transitioning, I'm happening!" She blames winding up on the mailing list on her trial Mirabella subscription, which was pretty funny. Charlotte picks up the catalog and starts reading about possible symptoms during the ten years pre-menopause, which include "month-long PMS, hot flashes, and irregular periods." Carrie quips that the upside is people giving their seats up to you on the bus. As if the Fab Four would ever be seen on -- shudder to think -- public transportation. Besides, Carrie's outfit is much funnier; the other women look elegant as usual, but she's sipping a martini while wearing a vintage seventies track jacket that looks like something Farrah Fawcett-Majors wore while skateboarding. Just then Charlotte freaks, because she found a catalog page featuring "vagina weights." Samantha's voice drops to a bawdy baritone, and she declares, "Honey, my vagina waits for no man," neatly demonstrating how one can rob Tallulah Bankhead's grave without using a shovel and ruining one's manicure. I for one am hoping that Samantha is experiencing the "change of life," if it means sparing us from her now-tired whorehouse madam shtick for the remaining seasons of this show. Anyway, Charlotte wonders about vagina muscles; she had no idea exercises could be done to make them remain tight. Samantha says that she "tightens and releases" for ten minutes a day. And she's doing that "right now." Carrie gnaws on her gum, grins, and proclaims, "Damn! She's good," which was pretty funny. Then Miranda and Charlotte admit that they'll be happy not to have periods anymore. Charlotte calls hers "Flo." Samantha tells her not to. Miranda 'fesses that she's currently having cramps. Carrie seconds that motion. Charlotte exclaims excitedly, "Oh my God! We're all synched up! I heard about that happening!" Everyone beams and/or smirks, except for Samantha, who realizes that she's out of the -- ahem -- loop. She guesses that she's "late."
Cut to Carrie running around in front of her dry cleaners again. They've just closed and locked up the storefront, and she waves her claim ticket around and whines like a baby because they won't let her in. I'm surprised that they don't let her claim some decent clothes to wear, since she's walking around on the sidewalk while only wearing that tacky thrift store track jacket, pink pantyhose and stiletto heels. But New York laundry clerks have hearts of stone, I guess. Boo hoo. She whines that "her fabulous party dress will be staying in for the evening." I guess she's as sick of being house-bound with CIM as the viewers are. ["Hey, do her big-ass flowers get dry cleaned too? Just wondering." -- Nicole]
Cut to a Japanese noodle bar where Miranda is bitching to Steve about the wailing infant (not Carrie, although a pretty good impression) at the table. Steve tells her that he likes babies, then spills soup down his shirtfront. Miranda cleans him up; Miranda's mothering skills convince him that they should have a baby. Miranda thinks he's kidding. He's not; he thinks they'd have a "really cute" baby with whom he could watch Sesame Street before going to his bartending job at night. And he adds, "We wouldn't even have to get married." Then we hear more wailing and shrieking. Oh wait, it's not the baby in the restaurant; it's Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who's just awoken from her bed in a cold sweat in her house on the California coast. Miranda vetoes Steve's plan because they "just moved in together," and she doesn't want to have to stay up all night caring for an infant because she already has enough work to do trying to make partner at her law firm. Steve pouts. Miranda tells him that if he keeps doing that his face might freeze that way, and he won't get dessert. Actually, she looks angry and guilty.
Cut to Carrie's Bachelorette Pad, where she's on the phone with CIM while trying to pick out a dress from her wardrobe to wear to that "fabulous party." She invites CIM, who's talking on a cell phone while walking Humpy the dog. CIM is wearing jeans, harness boots, rose-tinted aviator sunglasses, and a blue 1970s vintage denim pullover that barely hides his potbelly and leads me to think that Ali MacGraw might have once used the shirt as maternity wear, and Humpy has a bandanna tied around his neck, which is causing all the other dogs in Central Park to snicker and gesture that Portland and Seattle are thattaway. CIM declines Carrie's invitation to join her at the party, and as they banter ineffectively, the camera lingers on Carrie, who's managed to pull off the difficult feat of being half-dressed but looking twice as frightful than usual by sporting heels, a blue satin Vickie's Secret bra, light blue spangled tap pants, and purple pantyhose whose control top has gotten so power-hungry that it's invaded vast territory past her belly button and up her torso before being halted by her bustline.
Then we're on a yacht in New York Harbor. Carrie VOs that she's at a party for the launch of GAB magazine. Some white guy is singing reggae, and the waiters are carrying around huge trays of tapas on palm fronds. Ew. I bet GAB only lasts three issues. But Carrie VOs that she's having the time of her name-dropping life, and brags that Madonna and Regis Philbin are there. Carrie struts over to Charlotte and Kyle and hands them some champagne glasses. Kyle proceeds to bore Carrie with his "gabbing" about how he met cute with Charlotte in the last episode. Charlotte interrupts and corrects him, and they finish each other's sentences. Carrie tries to act like she's amused and she hasn't heard the story several times before, and didn't tell it to us in voice-over just last week. Instead of putting Kyle in a "man overboard situation," she excuses herself to go the buffet.
Buffet table. Carrie VOs her realization about how happy Charlotte is with Kyle, which is pretty true. Just as Carrie puts a huge cheeseball (foreshadowing?) in her mouth, she turns around and runs right into Mr. Big. He kisses her on the cheek and confesses that he thought he might stalk, er, "run into" her at the party. Carrie wonders where Mrs. Big is. Mr. Big smarms, "She missed the boat." Then an extra bumps into Carrie while reaching towards the buffet table and pushes her against Mr. Big. The extra earns his SAG card and reveals that he's from out of town by saying, "Sorry." Carrie gets uncomfortable and tells Mr. Big that she needs to bolt because Dominick Dunne is holding a place for her in the line for the restroom. Because name-dropping gadfly celebrity hack authors and loudly announcing your bathroom breaks is oh-so-classy. Not. Carrie departs. Mr. Big is all "what the?"
Carrie moves to a lower deck and VOs her apprehension about being stuck with Mr. Big on the yacht. Charlotte comes running up in her orange dress and purple shawl to show Carrie the watch from Cartier that Kyle just gave her. Carrie reads the inscription on the back: "To Charlotte. It's about time I met you." Carrie thinks the watch is "great," although this is the same woman who wore those hideous personalized hoop earrings last episode. Maybe she thinks it's great that Charlotte's getting jewelry without having to perform sexual acts for it. Charlotte runs back to join Kyle, but not before she reminds Carrie and us that she thinks Kyle's "the one." Carrie VOs that one woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat; but aren't we really watching a voyage of the Ship of Fools? Big approaches Carrie as she pouts and looks over the railing. He asks her about their little scene on the upper deck. She tries to out-obtuse him by pleading ignorance. They trade small talk for a bit so we remember how much chemistry Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth have together, until Big finally asks her if she's seeing someone. She admits that she is, and her new guy is "perfect." She says this while looking down at her designer pumps, because it's easier to tell lies that way and get away with it. Then Big compliments Carrie on her dress, which is a flowing navy silk number with a sailor collar that looks pretty smashing and makes me wish she'd done something sleeker with her hair for an even more refined look, and lost the cumbersome clutch purse that looks like a rolled up fall preview issue of Harper's Bazaar, but what can you do. Carrie tells Big that he would have loved the dress that's being held hostage at her dry cleaner. I don't; I bet the dry cleaner was doing us a big favor. Hopefully the same guy will ruin all of her silk flower accessories, too. Mr. Big just looks at Carrie and beams. Carrie gets uncomfortable, tells Mr. Big that it was nice to see him again, and walks away.
Then we cut to an overhead shot of Carrie in her bed on top of Shamu, as she shags CIM to try to get rid of her "see Mr. Big sickness." Replacing it with the "having sex with Chris in the Morning sickness," I guess. The guy doesn't even take off those nasty leather chokers or his socks, which are black this time. Ew.
Cut to Samantha's apartment. She's checking her Filofax and freaking because her period's five days late.
The ladies room. The Fab Foursome are all foofing (tm Mock) their hair and applying make-up before their communal lunch at Time Café (get it?). Carrie bitches at Charlotte for asking her for a tampon. Charlotte says that she couldn't fit tampons into her designer product placement purse. I'm not a woman, but isn't carrying around stuff like that the reason to lug around a purse? Could the Fab Four be more victimized by fashion? Anyway, Charlotte tells the others that she thinks Kyle's watch implies that he's in love with her. Samantha thinks it just means he has "blue balls." Miranda thinks it means that his "light is on." She explains an analogy: Men are like taxi cabs. When they are ready to get married, they flip their "available" light on, and the passenger will be the lucky bride. Charlotte refuses to believe this. Miranda tries to convince her that romance is "all about timing" and "getting them when their light is on." We're spared more cynicism as Miranda steps into a bathroom stall. Carrie, who's wearing a fringed red tube top which actually isn't half as ugly and unflattering as Charlotte's black shirtwaist, asks Samantha if she's packing tampons. Samantha wails defensively, "No!" She tearfully confesses that she's late with her period, and thinks she's menopausal -- or, as she says between sobs, "drying up." Miranda steps out of the stall and harshes that Samantha has a "mean case of PMS" regardless. Carrie comforts Samantha by assuring her that she has "years of miserable cramps in front of [her]." But Samantha is inconsolable, and thinks the time is right to make a Big Confession to the other girls: "What I'm about to tell you may come as a shock. I'm a little…older…than you." Charlotte looks shocked, but Miranda and Carrie have "duh" looks on their faces. Over at Owen's apartment, he fell out of his chair from laughing so hard. ["This is the part where I was waiting for Miranda to blurt out, 'Tell us something we don't know!'" -- Nicole]
At Carrie's apartment, it's lip-biting and Apple laptop product-placement time as Carrie cogitates and types out this week's thesis question: Is timing everything?
Over on the tense, angst-ridden set of thirtysomething, Steve is eating a Mohammed-on-Real World San Francisco-sized bowl of cereal and watching cartoons. Miranda asks him to turn the volume on the TV down, since she's trying to do some paperwork in the same room. Steve turns Scooby Doo down half a smidge, but Miranda is still disturbed by Scrappy Do's yipping. Steve looks away briefly from her really odd white television set and tells Miranda that she'll "have to get used to noise when there's a baby around." RUH ROH! I can't imagine a worse thing for Steve to have said. Miranda gets her bitch on and stands in front of the TV to officially dismiss his baby idea. Steve ignores her because a really good Scooby episode is on. Uh, one with Scrappy? Perhaps Miranda is right; Steve needs to grow up, and quick. Miranda tells him to "forget it," passive-aggressively grabs her law books, and stomps out of the room. Oh, and she tells him to use a coaster for his jelly glass and to turn off the lights before going to bed. Seriously. She really goes all out with the mommy shtick this time. Steve pouts.
Cut to Miranda and Carrie walking arm and arm down the sidewalk. Miranda is very butch in her mannish grey business suit (left over from the "drag king" episode earlier this season, I guess) while Carrie is ultra-femme in a turquoise shift with a huge pink silk flower attached that's roughly the same size as her empty head. Miranda is bitching that Steve wants a baby, yet hasn't had sex with her in a week. She thinks his "baby talk" is just a Band-Aid for their currently dysfunctional relationship. ["But wasn't their relationship just perfect last week? One week she accepts his skidmarks, and the it is all dysfunctional?" -- Nicole] She adds, "It's like he's a kid, and I end up nagging him all the time. I'm Mean Mommy, and believe me, no one wants to fuck Mean Mommy." Well, I bet there are some guys who'd want to fuck Mean Mommy, but Miranda is wise to steer clear of them. Then Miranda proposes the theory that she might be sabotaging her relationship, and just might be very happy raising a child with Steve, because she really does want kids someday and her biological clock is ticking. The scene ends, and I'm totally surprised that Carrie just listened sympathetically to Miranda's problems and didn't steer the conversation towards herself and fretting about seeing Mr. Big again.
Cut to Samantha, who's having dinner with Len the Lech. Carrie VOs that thoughts of menopause had caused Samantha to "lose her spirit" and accept a date with a guy her age. Because Samantha has this weird Logan's Run-ish belief that she can't have sex, or sex with other age groups, after the "change of life," I guess. Whatever. Les, in a white t-shirt and white suit, is bragging about his ownership of a Cadillac El Dorado and how the seat adjustment is wonderful for his artificial hip. Samantha, who's been downing martinis and rolling her eyes, tries to listen appreciatively.
Cut to Len's apartment. Carrie VOs that since Samantha "could not listen to one more minute" of his randy geriatric prattle, she decided to have sex with him instead (?!?). We see a bored, zombified Samantha under Len in his white-on-white bedroom, getting some artificial hip action as he pumps away on top of her. He ejaculates, then looks down and…we'll let him say it: "Baby, either you're a virgin or Flo just came to town." Samantha suddenly comes back to life in exultation that her period has finally come. She grabs her clothes and departs as Len bitches and whines about his "two grand a set" white designer sheets getting ruined. It's too bad about the age similarity keeping them apart: Len and Samantha are pretty well matched in crassness and shallowness. But Carrie VOs that Samantha saw "plenty more hot studs in this hot, hot pre-menopausal woman's future."
At Miranda's office, she gets a phone call from Steve. He wants to meet her to try to help out their relationship. She resists, citing a meeting, but eventually gives in. Cut to a pet store. Steve is picking out a puppy while Miranda asks him how this will solve their problems. Steve admits they're not ready for a baby; a puppy would be good practice. Miranda wonders who'd take care of the pup. Steve holds an animal in front of his face and pleads for her to adopt him like he's Adam Sandler doing an impression of "Crazy Puppy Dog Head Man." Miranda folds. Carrie VOs that Miranda was "surrounded by bitches, but didn't want to be one."
Cut to Charlotte's hallway. She and Kyle are necking goodnight. He wants her to -- ahem -- invite him in. She tells him she has to get up early. They part. Then he knocks at her door. She calls him "persistent." He tells her that he's in love with her. She confesses that she's in love with him. Charlotte lets Kyle in the door. Carrie VOs that Kyle received a hand job for giving Charlotte "everything she ever wanted."
Then it's 3 a.m. over on the set of thirtysomething, and Steve and Miranda's new puppy is whimpering. It's in a box near Miranda's side of the bed, and she harshes at it and practically throws her alarm clock in the box to calm it down by using the mother's ticking heartbeat trick. Before the ASPCA can protest, Miranda decides to quite justly take her frustration out on Steve instead of the helpless little animal, so she shoves him awake. She gets her bitch on and wails, "Are you happy? We get this puppy and already I'm the only one taking care of it." Steve admits that he's not happy, and if you were woken up like that, wouldn't you too? It's all downhill from here even though Steve picks up the "poochie, poochie puppy boy" and tries to be winsomely cute by waving the dog around in Miranda's face. Miranda gets out of bed and screams that she's "sick of" him being the kid all the time. Steve tells her they're just in a "rough patch." Miranda admits that they're relationship is rough "all the time," and that "it's not good!" Referring, I guess, to the script and her current continuity-free plotline, since wasn't she just last episode telling Carrie that her relationship with Steve had gotten so comfortable she was growing complacent about it? Isn't this break-up coming completely out of left field? Anyway, Steve looks grim and asks her if she's willing to just "give up" on them. Miranda tells him that she's been "trying" to cope with their bad relationship for a while now. Carrie VOs that Miranda just then had an epiphany: Miranda hasn't been the bad guy all along; it's their relationship that's been bad. I guess Miranda is as handy with self-serving rationalizations as Carrie is with wrong-headed generalizations. Carrie VOs that "there is never a good time to say what she had to say." Miranda tells him that it's over, and sends Steve and the little whimpering puppy packing. I agree that there are (suddenly) serious, irreparable flaws in Steve and Miranda's relationship, and there's really no good time to break up with someone, but with a little compassion and thoughtfulness one might try not to toss out one's live-in partner and a helpless little puppy onto the street in the middle of the night. But that's just me. Adios, Steve.
Cut to Miranda's law firm, where just the morning, Carrie VOs that Miranda made partner. A roomful of suits applauds Miranda's heartlessness. I bet her cruel treatment of the puppy sealed the approval of her fellow lawyers. Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.
Cut to Carrie's apartment. That '70s Couple enters, dressed like they're going to perform a sketch on Love, American Style: CIM in his choker and suede jean jacket, and Carrie in a polyester-looking leisure ensemble of pink flared pants and a loose white and pink blouse with a drawstring collar. She asks him to stay over; he accepts. While he's in the kitchen setting the timer on her coffee machine, she checks her messages. The recording plays the distraught voice of Mr. Big. Carrie turns off the machine. CIM tells her that they're "out of filters" so he's "going to run down to the Korean," which was pretty crass -- does he call the local kosher deli "the Jew"? Shut up and go away, CIM. He does, but not before telling Carrie that she makes him "really happy." Carrie replies, "Okay." Ah, the romance! The chemistry! The minute he leaves, there's a knock at her door. It's Big. He's out of breath and his shirt and hair are unkempt. If this was the last five minutes of a woman-in-jep flick on Lifetime and our heroine had just sent her new nice guy boyfriend off only to be confronted by her drunken stalker the minute she's alone, we'd all be clutching our pearls about now. But he's Chris Noth, so what can you do? Carrie asks him what's the sitch. He asks if the departing CIM was "the perfect guy" Carrie told him about earlier. Carrie asks him what he wants. Big collapses against the doorjamb and admits that he has no idea, but his deep dark bedroom eyes tell Carrie another story. Carrie's knees buckle, but she gains the strength to tell him to "go home to [his] wife" and shut the door in his face. Then Carrie plays the message he left on her machine. It says, "Hey Carrie, I'm here on your corner. I know you're there. Pick up. I…Jesus…I miss you. I can't stop fucking thinking about you. There you have it." Which I guess shows that Big has grown into a contemplative, less smarmy person, since he didn't say, "I abso-fucking-lutely can't stop thinking about you." Carrie sighs and walks around her apartment while she VOs that Mr. Big's declaration was what she wanted to hear, but "a year too late." She chalks it up to bad timing. Then we fade to her fretting at her window, while she VOs that it had been ten minutes since CIM had left for the Korean market, and she thinks this is "bad" also. She bites her lip and shuffles her hair around a bit while blathering about Mr. Big being her "past come back to haunt [her]" and CIM being her "future" taking too long to arrive. Um, can a person really consume that much alcohol in only ten minutes?
week: Charlotte is a prudish, marriage-minded ditz. Mr. Big stalks Carrie some more and tells her he's going to leave Natasha. Carrie tells the Fab Four the news, then adds, "I'm not insane!" which is news to us viewers.