Credits. Carrie smirks as she stalks the sidewalk. Cha cha cha, splashy bus! The xylophone goes nuts. Credits, cha cha!
After a stunning aerial shot of Manhattan, we zoom down to see Carrie trudging the streets in a brown suede fur-trimmed jacket, smoking sadly, gently. She's looking on the pale and wan side. Hair long, curly, and unwashed. Now that's Method acting. The VO says that when you live on a tiny island, it's easy to run into your exes, especially the ones that broke your heart. Even easier when you look like shit. From the crowd, Big emerges, hair washed and fluffy and russet. Carrie winces and ducks behind a nerd for cover. Then, Big turns into Not-Big. It was some other hunky suited guy. Dang. A mirage. "Guy-rage"? The nerd turns and stares snippily at Carrie, who darts away. Aww.
More VO as Carries smokes smokily in her apartment, noting that, post-break-up, certain places become off-limits. "The city becomes an emotional battlefield of deserted landmines." Aw! I know the feeling. We all do. She smokes and smokes and bzzz! Her doorbell buzzes, she hops up to get it, and it's two people we've never seen before. Just kidding. It's Miranda and Charlotte. Miranda is all like, "Come on Anne Frank, we're going out." Carrie strips off her über-drab Post-Break-up Comfort Tank Top -- great when you're feeling crushed! -- and is clad only in her bra for a second as she agrees to leave the house, but only "if it's somewhere where I won't run into him." Char, in a great pink suede (fun?) fur-trimmed jacket, says not to rush Carrie through the grieving process, since it "takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them." She smiles, proud of herself for her ability to recite clichés. Carrie notes from her closet that she "loves a good math solution to any love problem." Miranda says no, Carrie needs to get "cut [her] losses and get back in the game and get OUT THERE." Hee. People refer to getting OUT THERE so much in dating that it sounds like an actual place. Out there, to Manland, adjacent to Couplehocken. Can we make a stop in Handholdington? Or do you want to go straight to Onenightstandford? Then there's some bit about how that's how Miranda got over Eric, and Carrie and Char are like, oh, yeah, right, suuure, is THAT how you got over him, because apparently Miranda did not get over Eric quite that easily. This may be important later in the episode, so remember this tiny moment. Or I could be wrong. Except that I'm not.
The three ladies stalk the sidewalk. Mir comments that Carrie is "way too overdressed for where [they're] going." Carrie shoots back that she'd rather be overdressed than risk running into Big looking the way she feels. They all talk about the first time you see an ex and how bad it can be. Carrie says if Big had any class, he'd move away. Hee. Wouldn't that be nice? Mir is like, you broke up with him, remember? Carrie is like, "Yeah, and that makes me what, happy?" Taxi!
They pick up Samantha. She's still dating James, who's sweeter than a big old sack of s...ugar. He makes a bunch of cutesy-poo comments to the other three girls about taking care of his "princess," who are all like, aww, barf, come on, let's go already. I've said it before: television characters in good relationships are fun to watch for maybe a second. Like, we GET IT, you're blissfully happy. Sam piles into the cab (because a shot of one of them in the front seat wouldn't be quite as neat), and then we learn that James has a tiny cock and Sam's dissatisfied.
When Mir said "get back in the game," she meant it. The ladies end up at Yankee Stadium. Carrie has draped her legs across the seats in front of her, expressing great fondness for any place where she "can drink and smoke at two in the afternoon without judgment." As opposed to like, a bar? In New York? Where the customers are judged for being there, or something? ["And you can't smoke in Yankee Stadium anyway. Trust me, I've tried." -- Sars] Mir watches the game raptly, as big a fan as Sars, and calls everyone's attention to "the new Yankee, just up from the minors," who is also young and single. Dude, baseball groupies? A step above hockey groupies. Who are a step above dirt. Seriously -- all pro athletes get more ass than a toilet seat, so why throw yourselves at them? It's not like throwing yourself at a rock star. It isn't! Rock stars are more...and athletes are just...oh, forget it. Mir cheers like a freak, and Sam says the seats suck, and everything sucks. She breaks off an inch or so of her hot dog and sticks it in Carrie's face, asking if she'd like to make love to it every night. Carrie deadpans, "Is it kosher?" Ba dump dump. Mir rattles off the new Yankee's stats (they are good) while Car starts to reminisce about her ten years of dating in NYC, and decides her stats are "whatever really bad is." Oh, come on now, girl! You get laid a lot! Quit crying! The New Yankee whaps a good one, and -- gasp! -- Carrie catches it. What are the odds? "The same as being in a good relationship," wonders Car? Oh, listen to that tiny violin go!
So, Carrie flashes her press pass and goes backstage -- I mean, to the locker room -- and damn, some of those ball players seem to be smuggling cucumbers, if you know what I mean, and I know that you do. Car wants her ball signed -- heh. Carrie giggles drunkenly, and finally the New Yankee emerges. Mir is all, "I'm a HUGE fan! HUGE!!" Hee -- she's a fan of huge. Carrie charms the new Yankee by saying she thinks baseball is dull, and flirtatiously asks for his autograph. He gives it to her, and is impressed at the fact that Carrie writes a sex column. Of course. He leaves, but she runs after him and invites him to a Dolce & Gabbana party. He says yes, of course. Carrie is all, yay! Mir is all, "This is not fair! Nobody rebounds with the new Yankee!" Ooh, Mir is turning green! And Sam peeks into the locker room and sees a big jock with a huge cock, which makes her whole afternoon, of course. Cha cha cha!
Carrie, writing at home, back in her Post-Break-up Comfort Tank Top, wonders if you have to get over a break-up in a "slow, painful way." Oh man, overthinking much? It is her job, but STILL. Okay, we have the show's Question of the Week: What are the break-up rules? The montage begins. Some stoner-looking dudes say, "Don't cry, because if you ever get back together again, you'll be the guy that cried." They high-five and giggle. Dude. One dame says not to see him for three months after, because that's how long it takes to lose the weight. The big jock with the huge cock Sam saw naked says, "Give her everything she wants, but don't sign a motherfucking thing." One lady selling peanuts says, "They're all bums." Some guys in the stands giggle. "You got a problem?" No, scary lady.
Pre party, Carrie is running late, but still has the time to find a photo of herself and Big, and resolves to always Destroy All Photos In Which He Looks Sexy And She Looks Happy. Sounds like a good rule to me.
Party. Carrie's in a very 1970s aqua/sky-blue gown and her gold nameplate necklace. That sure dates this episode, all right. Whooo, the ghost of fashion past! Char is there with her man, a jazz and classical record exec. The men bring their women drinks (ungowa), and the jazz wonk waxes rhapsodic about Miles Davis. Miles is great, but doesn't everyone know that already? The new Yankee does not. Carrie VOs that Char's new man is fab, except that he grabs and readjusts his package all the time, in public even. Ew. "Two girls out on the town with our ballplayers." Hee. Then, kaboom. Carrie sees Big. No, wait. No, she didn't. It was another guy-rage. Whew.
Carrie and the New Yankee stroll homeward. Oh, wow -- as they stop and make small talk before they kiss, the shot is framing the World Trade Towers between them. Sorry, it's still a shock to see them. Then, four weeks after her break-up with Big, it happens. They kiss; Carrie "let the new Yankee get to first base." Yeow.
Breakfast summit. Charlotte is reading the paper and sees that Carrie made Page 6, because of her date with the Yankee at the fashion party! Char is all, how great, Big will see you looking great and on a date with that hot baseball player! Miranda tries to butt in with fascinating tales about her new Palm Pilot. Char is all, yee, Big will be so jealous, and Mir gets a bit grim, saying, "Why are we still talking about him? He hurt her." Wow, breakup-rebound envy? But Char just says okay, and a silence falls. Char begins with a problem with her b.f., and Mir chirps that she's going to get the check. Someone's bitter! We already know about Char's man's readjustment habit, and Sam asks if he "has a pair of low-hangers." Hee! She also heard Nick Nolte had a ball-lift. Really! I heard Gary Busey, Michael Douglas, and Bob Redford. Mir comes back and tosses some bills on the table, overhears the conversation, and explodes. "All we talk about is Big or balls or small dicks! How is it that all four smart women have to talk about is men? What about us? Does it always have to be about them? Give me a call when you're ready to talk about something other than men." Damn. She told them! And I think she's off the show. She'd have to be, with that requirement. Oh wait, this is season two.
Carrie and Char go shopping, and Car makes the observation that you shouldn't shop until you've become emotionally stabilized. No, no, no! Retail therapy is the best! Just think, you're saving cash by not going out for drinks and dinner, so splurge on yourself! At least a little bit. Okay, a lot.
Montage of Sam trying to get her lover with the two-inch cock to hit it. She coaches him the best she can (and she is the best), but it ain't happening. He's happy for the practice; she's left with scraps. So, with her on her stomach and him on top, she brings her vibrator into the mix, saying it's fun. He nixes it, saying it's more fun with just the two of them. Dude, he is so fired.
Char sweetly presents her "ballplayer" with a box from Barneys. She's giving him a nice present of snug-fitting boxer briefs. Aw! He is less than thrilled. "Slow down! First you're giving me underwear, then you're moving in, then, you don't like my music!" The end. Carrie VOs that Char gets over it in half the time the relationship lasted, "true to form."
Mir, in a baseball cap and overalls, goes for a walk around Central Park to perk herself up. She overhears two women talking about guys ("Why won't he call meee?"), sneers, and moves on. Then, wham: She sees Eric, the ex-love of her life, the one she so neatly got over, and it hits her hard. She hides behind a phone booth as Eric and his new lady love stroll by hand-in-hand. Then she runs away. Aw! Too bad she can't call her girlfriends to commiserate.
Carrie and the new Yankee are having beers and tossing peanuts back in a cozy-looking Irish bar, laughing and having a nice date. She tosses one peanut too far, faces the other direction, and there he is: Big. She smiles; he approaches. She fidgets, waiting for him to come to her. The new Yankee just waits, watching. She's all, hey you! The men meet amiably. Big says he's a huge fan. Hee. Hey, who doesn't love a good huge? I've been a huge huge fan since way back, way before I got Out There. Then Big puts his hand on Carrie's shoulder, and says he saw her photo in the Post and that she's never looked better. We get a close-up of his hand on her shoulder, and of her looking at it, and then all we hear is a heart beating. Then an anvil goes "clong!" Regular bar noise starts up as Carrie accepts another round of beers from her Yankee.
Carrie and the new Yankee walk home. He tries to kiss her again, and it looks like she's about to hurl as she pulls roughly away. Too many beers? No. Grief. She apologizes, New Yankee says it's okay, but she doesn't think so. "I just cried in your mouth." At least it wasn't barf. Then she dumps him. She's "not ready. Please go." Being nice, he doesn't go. So she does. Right to a pay phone. Once engaged, she says, "It's me, I know things are weird between us, but I really need to talk. Meet me at our place?"
At the place, Carrie gingerly looks around until she sees...Miranda. She says she saw Big and fell apart. And sorry to talk about guys. Mir says she was a jerk, and that it was "[her] stuff," and that she saw Eric and ran. "You just take all the time you need, okay?" And the no-talking-about-guys ban? Forever lifted. We pull out of the restaurant with the two gals eating cold French fries, and Carrie mentions the most important break-up rule: "You'll never get through it without your friends." Aww!