Carrie tells us that one of the best things about living in NYC is leaving it. She then tells us that her friends Peter and Patience invited her to the Hamptons for the weekend. Apparently, they are the perfect married couple, and they enjoy hearing stories of Carrie's sexual conquests.
So Carrie is in the Hamptons, and she wakes up in the morning and walks out of her room to see Peter walking around in a t-shirt, and nothing else, drinking coffee. Carrie sort of stares and looks confused, and then walks away. She tells us, "That is way too much Peter before coffee." See what she did there? Patience comes in from getting muffins and meets Carrie in the kitchen. Carrie tells her she ran into Peter in the hallway without his pants on, and then whispers, "P.S. -- congratulations!" Peter walks in with clothes on, and Patience is all, "Honey, did Carrie see your dick in the hall?" He tells her that Carrie caught him on his way to the bathroom. Patience is not amused. Peter takes a muffin and walks off. Nicole wonders if the writers can be even more obvious about the names they chose for this couple.
Carrie then tells us she barely had time to shove a muffin into her purse before she was on her way home. She is now at a restaurant with the girls, and they are talking about her experience, wondering why Peter would want to show her his, um, peter. Samantha guesses he wanted to "show it off, like a monkey." Like you like to show off your boobs, Samantha? As Samantha asks Carrie how big it was, their waiter comes over with a long pepper grinder and offers them fresh pepper on their salads, while holding the grinder by his "grinder." Oh, the symbolism! I'm surprised the pepper grinder isn't in the shape of an anvil, because the writers seem to be smashing us over the head with the notion that this man's penis is large. Samantha gets all excited and tells the waiter that everyone at the table could use some "fresh pepper." Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? After the waiter leaves, the girls go back to theorizing about Peter's, er, exposition, and Carrie tells them that she told Patience that it was no big deal, and Patience told her that, since she is single, she wouldn't understand why it was in fact a big deal. This of course prompts the ladies to start grousing about how married women hate single women. Samantha thinks married women are threatened because they think that single women will have sex with their husbands. No, Samantha, married women are threatened by you because you do have sex with their husbands. Miranda thinks the ones that don't fear you, pity you. Charlotte tries to defend married women, and Carrie tells us that Charlotte looks at marriage as "a sorority that she desperately wants to pledge." Talk about foreshadowing! Finally, Charlotte agrees with the girls and complains that when she is with married people, they always treat her differently. Somewhere at the same time in a parallel universe, there is a group of married women complaining that their single girlfriends complain about the way their single friends treat them. The girls all decide that married people are "the enemy." I didn't know there was a war going on.
Carrie is sitting on her bed with her laptop, wondering if there is a secret cold war between marrieds and singles. Ah, thanks for giving me the heads-up!
If you don't remember the first season, the shows always had the outside view of relationships from random people, not associated with any other storyline in the episode. We're seeing this part of the show right now. Some woman and her husband are sitting at a bar, while the woman tells us that, once she got married, she didn't like seeing her single friends, because it reminded her of how desperate she used to be, and then we see a shot of some single woman complaining about how her friend who got married is always saying "we" instead of "I" and that her friend can no longer think for herself. We then see a shot of some guy whining that his good friend got married to a woman who didn't like him, so he only sees his friend on Superbowl Sunday. The shot goes back to the couple, and the woman babbles on about how she decided to grow up and face reality, while some choose to live stunted lives of adolescence. Can the producers make married people look more like mindless assholes? You would think married people turn into Pod People once they put rings on their fingers, the way everyone is talking about them.
Carrie and Stanford are walking down the street together, talking about how all his gay friends are going to Hawaii to get married, and they feel superior to him. They bump into Carrie's old boyfriend Joe, who is now gay and has a "life partner" named Lou. Stanford asks where they are registered, and Lou tells them they're registered at Barney's. Stanford starts to tell them that he was just kidding, but then realizes that silence is golden. Joe and Lou ask Carrie if she is married, and when she tells them she isn't, they ask her to donate one of her eggs so they can have a baby. They give her their card and tell her to call them if she wants to do it, and then they walk away. Carrie stands there aghast, and Stanford rips up the card. What a bizarre scene. I think it was meant to insult Carrie's singleness, but it just came off as a strange ex encounter.
Carrie tells us that Miranda felt obligated to participate in her firm's annual softball game, to look good in front of the partners. Miranda is warming up as Carrie tells us that Miranda was set up on a blind date for the game by one of her coworkers. Jeff introduces her to her blind date, Syd, who is a woman. She tells Syd that she is going to get a soda, and she runs back to Jeff and tells him she isn't gay. Jeff tells her that since he has been there he hasn't seen her with a man, so he assumed she was gay. She tells him she is single, and asks him when "single" started meaning "gay." Jeff apologizes and offers to tell Syd, but Miranda tells him she will talk to her. Carrie tells us that Miranda and Syd had a good laugh about the situation and decided to stay and play the game. Miranda and Syd played well, which Carrie tells us was noticed by one of the partners of the firm. An older man comes over to where Miranda and Syd are sitting and tells Miranda that he and his wife are having a dinner party for a few couples, and invites the two of them. Miranda accepts, and the two girls giggle at their inside joke. I guess someone assuming you are gay is only funny when it's someone you want to impress. If anyone else assumes you are gay, it is insulting. Just remember that, folks -- only assume someone is gay if they routinely kiss your ass.
Miranda is at Carrie's place telling her about what happened, and she tells Carrie that she is determined to make partner in the firm, even if it means pretending she is gay. Because nothing works better for working your way up in a company than lying about your personal life. No one will be the wiser!
After Miranda leaves, Carrie tells us that she thinks that the cold war is about "fear of the unknown." She tells us, "Married people don't hate singles, they just want us figured out." Yeah, that's it. The way you are trying to figure out married people.
She decides to go to lunch with a married couple to "infiltrate the camp." Oooh, how crafty! She asks them about how they like being married, and somehow the conversation gets turned around to her and how she feels about being single. She tells them she likes it most of the time, except for during family functions and when she sees people like them so happy together. They ask her if she wants to get married, and she tells them she doesn't know if she is the "marrying kind." She then tells us that as she said those words, she really wondered if they were true. They're true so far, at least until the end of the show's run. A male friend of the couple appears out of the blue, and they invite him to sit down with them for dessert. Carrie tells us another thing she hates about being single is when married friends "surprise" fix her up. Carrie tells us, "Two espressos and a tiramisu later..." the two of them are drinking their espressos alone and the guy, whose name we now find out is Sean, asks her if she knew this was a set-up. She said she did, and then he tells her that his parents got together from a set-up and have been married for almost forty-one years. She tells us she realized then that she is with the "marrying guy," the type of guy that actually wants to get married. He asks her if he can see her again, and she accepts. Mua ha ha ha ha. Her evil plan to infiltrate the married army and reveal their secrets is working! If this guy wants to get married, then he must hang around married people and has inside information! Must tell the general...
Carrie tells us that, over the week and a half, they met for a few movies and she helped him pick out a fancy cheese grater from Williams Sonoma. So that's what married people use to keep the single people down! He invites her to a housewarming party for his new apartment he just bought, and she accepts. He kisses Carrie, and she seems to be looking up into the trees as they are kissing, like she is thinking about errands she has to run. She tells us that Sean is like a DKNY dress -- "you know it's not your style, but it's right there, so you try it on anyway." Stick with that story, Carrie, and if you are captured by enemy troops you may be able to convince them you come in peace.
Carrie tells us that on the East Side a pseudo-lesbian couple attended a right-wing Republican dinner party, and on the West Side a group of single girls went to the housewarming party of a single guy. Charlotte and Samantha put their coats in what looks like the hallway of a nice apartment building, and Charlotte asks Carrie how she got a boyfriend in a week. Carrie tells her he isn't her boyfriend, he is someone she is just trying on. Oh, I see what she's doing. If she tells this to her friends and they get captured, they will all have the same story. Very shrewd, Carrie. They walk into the apartment, and it's all couples. Carrie tells us, "It was Noah's Upper West Side Rent-Controlled Ark." Jackpot! Carrie secretly turns on the mini cassette recorder she shoved in her cleavage. Samantha looks all annoyed, and Sean comes over to say hello. As Samantha makes her way to the alcoholic beverages, Sean gives Charlotte and Carrie a tour of the apartment. Carrie notices that all the couples were very nice. She wonders if they don't fear her, or if they just have her figured out. Meanwhile, Samantha is in the kitchen with the alcohol, talking to a man about buying stocks. The man's wife comes over and gives Samantha a glare as she takes her husband's hand and walks him out of the kitchen. Sean shows Charlotte and Carrie the room he is using as his study, and tells them that he plans on using that room for a nursery. He then shows them a mobile he bought in Aspen a few years ago. The girls look scared. Back in the kitchen, Samantha has started doing tequila shots as Carrie and Charlotte walk in. Carrie apologizes for bringing them to a party that has no single men, secretly giving herself high-fives for getting in with the "enemy," and Samantha starts pointing out various men in the room that she has slept with. Charlotte thinks that Sean is going to ask Carrie to marry him, because no one would buy such a nice apartment unless he seriously wants to get married. Never mind the fact that he only seems to hang out with married couples and has already started buying baby items. That Charlotte -- nothing gets past her.
Carrie is accosted by various friends of Sean, telling her what a great guy he is, how he has his own business, lots of money, is good in bed, blah blah blah marriagecakes. Carrie tells us she feels like a prisoner of war, when Charlotte tells her that she and Samantha are leaving since Samantha is totally drunk. Carrie wants to leave too. Her tape recorder is filled with information, and she needs to get back to base and hand over all her information to the general so he can devise a plan of attack. She is stopped by Patience and Peter, who are so happy to see her. Carrie tries to apologize for the incident in the Hamptons, and Patience tells her she doesn't care anymore and starts gushing about how happy she is that Carrie has started dating Sean. Carrie starts having second thoughts about bringing down the Married Empire until Samantha stumbles over to them. Carrie introduces her to Peter and Patience, and Samantha starts laughing at Peter. Patience gets annoyed again, and Carrie tells us that the cease-fire was over. Down with the Evil Married Imperialists!
Meanwhile, back at the right-wing dinner party, Miranda and Syd are leaving; Miranda's boss tells her that the two of them make a nice couple and they should come over again. Miranda decides to come clean, and tells him that she isn't a lesbian and she just used the dinner party as an opportunity to tell him about her work at the firm. Her boss isn't really fazed and tells her it was a good move on her part, but his wife will be disappointed because she wanted to add a lesbian couple to her circle of friends. He leaves, and Miranda looks a little disgusted. Carrie tells us that as Miranda and Syd were in the elevator, she considered how much easier her life would be if she were in any kind of couple. Miranda gives Syd a little kiss on the lips, and then says, "Yep. Definitely straight." Syd agrees with her. College frat boys across the country shed a tear at the loss of a lesbian storyline on an HBO series.
Carrie then tells us that Charlotte decided that Samantha was too drunk to get home on her own, so she makes Samantha spend the night at her place. As Charlotte rolls Samantha through the front doors of her building, Samantha becomes smitten with the doorman. A few hours later, when Charlotte thought she was asleep, Samantha goes back down to where the doorman is, wearing only her coat, bra and panties, and a big drunken smile. She gives the doorman a big kiss, and then brings him back up to Charlotte's place. Charlotte wakes up to find the doorman half-naked trying to leave, and he tells Charlotte that he was lonely and Samantha invited him up. Charlotte is disgusted, but not surprised. Like how she reacts to everything Samantha says and does.
Carrie is leaving Sean's place, and he tells her he was hoping she would spend the night. She tells him that she doesn't think it is going to work out between them, because she has to topple a regime he wants to be a part of. Sean asks if she could tell how desperate he is, and she tells him that she was just trying him out, but he didn't fit. Still trying to sell that story, huh Carrie? Sean complains that he doesn't understand women, because all he hears from women is that they want to get married, but when he asks, they all say no. I guess it would help if he actually knew the women more than a week, and didn't scare them off with his baby paraphernalia. He tells her he just wants to get married, and Carrie tells him that she has a friend who would love him. What evil plan does Carrie have in store for Sean?
Carrie tells us Charlotte and Sean took it casual at first, but thing they knew they were looking at china. He shows Charlotte a pattern that he likes, and she gets an instant case of the vapors. Carrie tells us that Charlotte broke it off right then and there because he was American Classic, and she was French Country. That fiend! Charlotte walks into her building, and her doorman asks her why her friend never called him like she said she would. She gets annoyed and tells him she doesn't know why, and walks away.
As "Respect" is playing in the background, Carrie is walking alone down the street at night with straight hair, and she tells us she thinks that the fight between married and singles is like the war in Northern Ireland. We're all the same, but somehow we ended up on different sides. Except they don't have parades through each other's territories prompting more fighting. Then she tells us that even though it's nice sometimes to have someone to walk home with, sometimes it is better to walk alone and meet your single girlfriends at the movies. Aww! The gang's all there to greet Carrie as she meets them at the theater. Who needs men? Not them! They've got the movies!