So my episode of Scrubs started with an episode of ER, but not even the beginning of ER, but like the middle of an episode. And it's the non-HD feed and I'm watching an HD channel. At first, I thought it was a clever ruse by the Scrubs writers and was waiting for JD and Turk to walk into County General, but I think someone just screwed up, and from reading the forums, people in other parts of the country had the same issue so I can't even blame my local affiliate. So anyway, I missed the first minute or so of the episode. But the weirdest part is that the captioning is from Scrubs, but I'm only getting parts of the sentences.
So anyway. From what happens later in the episode, I'm guessing that Elliott was telling Cox, as the new Chief of Medicine, that she's trying to locate a patient who used a drug called Plumox. Cox needs to go "hold Jordan's claw" while their daughter has her shunt removed, and plus this is an inherited problem, so he suggests that Carla call Kelso. She does. Kelso laughs for like twenty minutes. Isn't that the greatest feeling? When you finally leave a stressful job, and then they call you about something, and you can just laugh? Or ask them to pay you a consulting fee for your expertise? Good times.
Janitor is holding a meeting of the Brain Trust, a club that includes Ted, The Todd, and Doug. Ted wonders if it's okay for them to just take the office, and Janitor says that since he's planted a flag, it's his. He used this method to claim his parking space, a dead possum, and Doug's sandwich. Doug lifts up his sandwich to reveal a tiny flag poking from it. It must be fun to work in the props department on this show.
JD and Turk are in the locker room. Turk says he stood up to Carla today, and JD thinks "that must have took a lot of ball." Because Turk had his ball removed? Remember? Also, both men are in towels in this scene, and I really did not need to see that much man nipple, and I especially did not need to see Zach Braff's backne. Anyway, Turk reports that's he's getting a ball implant (The Neutical? Like they make for castrated dogs?) even though no one notices, but Carla wants him to get it. JD fantasizes a trip to Ball-Mart to pick out Turk's fake ball. They have one with a diamond stud, and one that says "I'm with Stupid" and an arrow. Turk finds one that has a thermostat that doubles as a hand warmer. JD thinks that would come in handy on their upcoming ice fishing trip. Cut to Cox, The Todd, and JD freezing their asses off after falling into freezing water, so they all snuggle up around Turk's fake ball. When they return home, JD has a burn mark on his face, and The Todd has one on his face and also on his hand. When JD snaps out of it, he decides to stop with the long fantasies, because they're never worth it. Oh, aren't they? Maybe that's a reference to week's finale, which I assume is almost entirely fantasy.
Jordan and Cox wait for their daughter's procedure to be done. Cox uses his newfound power to threaten to fire a doctor if they don't get frequent updates, and Jordan is all turned on. Cox is struggling with the paperwork for his new job, so Ted pops up and offers his services. Elliott asks Dr. Cox (who wants to be referred to as Chief Dr. Cox, which abbreviates as CDC, which was Elliott's nickname in college, but it stood for Crying Drunk Chick and oh my God will this parenthetical ever end?) about locating a patient who might be entitled to a class action settlement over a drug called Plumox. She wants someone to cover her patients while she finds the patient, and JD offers to drive, since he has to pick up Sam from daycare.
Carla has put Izzy down for her nap and is ready to drink some champagne with her man. Turk wants to celebrate Izzy sleeping through the night and finding a nanny, so they can be themselves again. They fight over popping the cork, and of course the cork flies out and rebounds, hitting Turk in the nut.
Ted rushes off to get Cox some coffee, and Janitor stops him to ask why he's setting himself up for another Kelso relationship. We flashback to a groovy Ted with a full head of hair, showing up for his first day of work for Kelso, who looks essentially the same. The first thing Ted has to do is wash Kelso's car's front bumper and grille with a toothbrush. Kelso needs the grille cleaned because he hit the neighbor's cat last night: "Quick little bastard, had to cross two lanes to get him." Back in reality, Janitor gives Ted a pep talk about telling Cox what's what. Ted marches in and tells Cox that he's a lawyer and shouldn't have to fetch coffee. Cox asks Jordan what she thinks and Jordan can't pretend to care. Cox tells Ted he's off the hook and Ted screeches with delight. Three times.
JD and Elliott wait for Elliott's patient to show up. JD wishes Turk were there so they could goof off. Flash to Turk getting his nut checked out to make sure everything's kosher. Back in the car, JD says that Elliott can't goof around with him like Turk does, but Elliott thinks she can. They tape a sign to a fast food drive-thru speaker that says that the speaker is broken so people need to yell. The first car pulls up, the guy yells, and the manager inside throws the soda in his hand into the air, prompting peals of laughter from JD and Elliott.
Janitor coaches Ted to try to pick up a lady. Ted's line: "Hey, Cindy. I want to...make you pregnant." Cindy surprisingly doesn't go for this, but Janitor thinks Ted has become a man. They head to the club's headquarters, the Brain House. Doug has brought a cadaver's brain to be their mascot, which Janitor thinks is gross. And if Janitor, the taxidermist, thinks it's gross, well...it's pretty gross. Ted wants the club to play cards that night, but Janitor isn't up for it. Ted points at him and bellows, "I want to play caaaaaaaaards!" Ted! Growing some balls! I guess balls are the theme of the episode.
Turk and Carla leave the doctor's office, and Carla says that she's going to wrap Turk's remaining ball in bubble wrap to protect it. Turk thinks she's being crazy. Carla says that she wants to have another kid someday, and Turk promises that his remaining ball is "like Tina Turner after she left Ike: stronger, more confident, and is going to have a very successful solo career." Now I have a vision of Turk's ball donning a Tina Turner wig and singing "What's Love Got To Do With It?" or "Private Dancer". I amuse myself like JD sometimes.
JD and Elliott are still chuckling over the broken speaker trick. A dude shows up and Elliott realizes that he's not her patient, but he showed up in case there was money in it. She's ready to leave, but JD wants to watch one more person fall victim to the speaker prank. Meanwhile, Ted is rebelling against Janitor's leadership in the Brain Trust. And also meanwhile, the customer at the fast food place loses it and yanks the manager out the window. And also meanwhile, Turk and Carla are finally getting to drink their champagne, and after they toast, Carla announces, "I want another baby. Now." Turk looks like he just lost his remaining ball.
After commercials, Turk is still stunned at Carla's announcement. And at the fast food place, a cop has arrived to question JD and Elliott about the incident with the manager. JD tries to cover, but Elliott spills the whole thing. The cop doesn't really care.
Janitor says that the Brain Trust is "a dictatorship masquerading as a democracy" and reminds them of how he overthrew the dictator, Kyle, in 2002 during "the battle of the basement supply closet." Ted vows to start his own Brain Trust, but Janitor has copyrighted it. Ted thinks he'll call his group "Brain Bunch." Doug sides with Ted, and The Todd goes with Janitor, but Janitor wants to trade since The Todd makes him crazy. Ted agrees.
Back at the hospital, Turk tells Carla that pregnancy was really hard on her, and the postpartum stuff hurt their relationship. Carla isn't mad, because she wants them both to be on board with baby number two. Turk promises to think about it.
Elliott, JD, and Sam hang out in the cafeteria. Elliott is still stressing about finding her patient, and JD asks why she cares so much. Elliott gets pissed at him and leaves.
Ted sits at another table in the cafeteria with The Todd. Janitor and Doug sit down and ask why Ted is sitting at a Brain Trust table. Ted points out there are no flags nearby, and Janitor says they've started using...napkin dispensers instead of flags. JD witnesses this and decides those two should have their own sitcom. Cue JD fantasy of stereotypical '80s sitcom opening credits featuring Ted and Janitor in wacky situations and the theme goes like this: "I'm a lawyer. I'm a janitor. Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians. Get it?" I get it. And I love it. It couldn't be worse than Two and a Half Men.
Cox has used his power to get the hospital announcer to sit right to him while he makes his announcements. This is important in a moment. As Cox and Jordan continue to wait, Turk mopes around and tells them that Carla wants to have another kid, but he's worried that they'll be tempting fate, since Izzy is healthy and things are good. The rest of this scene is kind of chaotic, so bear with me and I'll try to walk you through it, because it's probably the best scene of the episode. Just assume that all of this dialogue is rapid fire.
JD walks in and is thrilled to hear that Turk and Carla might have another baby. Janitor turns around and says he doesn't know what to do about new Ted. Jordan: "Who's he talking to?' Janitor thinks old Ted was cool. Jordan, confused: "Which one is Ted? Did he have a baby with the janitor?" JD fantasizes about Legal Custodians again, and they even do the giant dancing promo that NBC is so fond of, which cracked me up. JD says that Elliot is obsessed with getting money for one of her patients. Janitor muses that he should have more patience with Ted. Jordan: "He means the other kind of patience. Right?" Announcer: "I'm not sure. I'm lost." Janitor says that he's lost too, as is Turk. Cox tells Turk that the decision has been made, because Carla will have another baby if she wants one, so Turk needs to focus on getting something good out of the situation for himself. Janitor takes this to mean that he created Ted, so he can destroy him, and leaves. Jordan: "Glad to be of help. I'm out." She goes back to her magazine. Cox tells Turk to pretend he doesn't want another kid, but Turk protests that it's not true. Cox tells Turk he walks around like he's got two testicles, and that's not true. Jordan: "Aaaaaaaaand, I'm in." JD announces that they're getting a fake testicle, and then wonders why Carla wants to risk Turk's remaining testicle with the implant surgery. Turk admits that he's the one who wants the prosthetic, and "sometimes you say you're doing something for someone else and you're really doing it for yourself." JD thinks that might be what Elliott's doing, and tells Cox that he's using a "slice of wisdom from someone else's life" to solve his own problems. Which is this show's mission statement, so well played, writers. Jordan: "Seems coincidental." JD: "And yet, I do it almost every week." Cox gets a page that his daughter's procedure is done, and they bail. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. But that was a good scene.
JD tells Elliott that he figured out that she was worried that she might have killed her patient by prescribing the Plumox. He checked the records, and found out that the patient died because he was hit by a truck. JD wonders why she lied about her motivations. Because it's a sitcom? Elliott says that she and JD aren't close, and points out that he couldn't spend an afternoon with her without wishing she were Turk. JD invites Elliott to join him and Sam for a latte, not because he feels guilty, but because he wants to hang out with her. Those two are so hooking up.
The Brain Trust meets with the Brain Bunch. Ted is resistant until the Janitor relents and says that they can play cards like Ted wanted.
Turk and Carla negotiate over the baby thing. Turk is worried that they'll lose their connection, so Carla agrees to have sex with him as much as he wants for a month. Which is how they'll make the baby. Turk reminds her that means whenever he taps her on the shoulder she has to "drop it like it's hot and give it to Daddy." It would creep me out if a man wanted me to call him Daddy. JD and Elliott walk up, giggling over how people think they are Sam's parents. While they're in mid-story, Turk taps Carla on the shoulder and they sneak out.