Well, my DVR didn't want to record this episode and then I had to watch it in non-HD. I know! So I have no recording of the first two minutes, and now my eyes feel like somebody rubbed them with sandpaper. I blame Comcast.
So, in the first few unrecorded minutes, Sam and Todd make out in the military history section of a bookstore. They're hiding away back there because Todd has still not broken up with Chloe. Sam tells Todd that she's not fooling around with him until he stages his blitzkrieg on Chloe's happiness. He tells her that he's really going to do it, because he wants to be with Sam on her birthday. Sam: "It's my birthday?"
In the coffee shop, Sam and Dena talk about the birthday. Regina is going to throw Sam a party, and Sam wants Dena to make up the guest list. Except Dena can only think of herself, Andrea, Regina, Todd, and Sam as guests. I'm very, very sad that she didn't think to invite Chase. Dena asks what Sam wants for a present, and Sam tells her that her life is so full of family and friends that she doesn't want anything. If I were her, I'd ask for a job. She mentions that she'll have a boyfriend as soon as Todd dumps crazy, unstable, slightly insane Chloe. And then Sam decides maybe it would be a better idea for her not to sit with her back to the door. Andrea joins them and tells Sam that they don't do birthdays; birthdays are reserved for the spa, where they get wrapped in seaweed and have all the toxins sucked out of their asses. Sam sees Todd and Chloe outside, and she hides so she can witness the dumping without Chloe seeing her. But instead of dumping, she sees them making out. Commercials.
And now we're back in the recording. Sam enters Todd's apartment. He's surprised to see her, but she tells him she just wanted to see how the breakup went. Todd lies that it went well, and Sam lets him know that he's busted. Sam tells him, "The longer you keep your girlfriend, the longer I'm just a boyfriend-stealing whore." Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it.... Todd tells her that Chloe's aunt is sick, and he didn't want to break up with her when she was in such a low spot. Sam thinks it would be the perfect time for them to break up, because Chloe is sure to meet some eligible man of her own at the hospital visiting her aunt. Todd tells her that he really doesn't think Chloe is looking to meet men. Well, that's because she still thinks she has a boyfriend. Sam: "You are putting Chloe's feelings before mine because she is feeling vulnerable. But you know what, you don't think that I'm feeling vulnerable? I am turning one." She storms out.
There's a knock on the door of the Newly home. Regina opens the door and finds Andrea standing there. Regina calls out to Howard: "Oh, look, it's Andrea. Honey, do we need any drinking done?" Since they don't she suggests that Andrea try again week. Andrea enters, and they exchange some more catty insults. Andrea is there to tell Regina that there's no way they're having Sam's birthday party out in the suburbs -- it's going to be at Andrea's place on Saturday night. Regina doesn't want to give in, but Howard enters the room and tells Regina that as much as he loves her parties where you do things like make your own placemat, it may be that Sam would like "a real city party, you know, like you see in the magazines where celebrities show up. Like ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber." Heh. Regina gives in, but only if she can bring the food: "I mean, who doesn't love ambrosia salad?"
Sam and Dena are at the café again, sitting at a sidewalk table. They have really got to get these people into some new settings. Sam is complaining about Todd, and suggests that they get a Todd-shaped piñata for the party. Dena tells Sam that she's called 21 people to invite them to the party, and they all have jury duty. On a Saturday night. Sam tries to explain that they're all lying because they don't want to come to her party, and then she has a flashback.
Bad Sam and Drunk Andrea sit at the bar. Andrea doesn't want to go to some guy's house because she can tell that he's going to break up with her. Sam tells her that he doesn't have the right to break up with her since her favorite cousin is in the hospital. The plan is to make up a cousin, go to the hospital and pick a name of a real sick person, and then place a picture of Andrea on the table to the sick person in case the dude tries to pay a respectful visit. Sam tells Andrea that this way, she can guarantee herself a boyfriend through Valentine's Day. Andrea is impressed, and desires to study at the feet of Sam. And then two frat boy types send drinks over.
Back in the present, Sam has realized that Chloe is making up this sick aunt. She intends to reveal the fraud, leaving Todd free to dump Chloe in time for Sam's birthday.
Sam goes to the hospital. In a rather unfunny scene, she tries to steal the patient list and, when she gets caught, tells the nurse she's there to see her Aunt Wendy... whose last name Sam does not know. When you start to be as stupid as Homer Simpson, it's time to call it a day. The nurse says that there is no Wendy, but then calls out to tell Sam that there is a Gwendolyn.
Sam enters Gwendolyn's room. She's quite an old woman, and she's asleep. There's a picture of Chloe on the table to her bed. Sam: "You are a worthy adversary, indeed." Sam pulls back the sheet to ... I don't know, look at Gwendolyn's wristband maybe? An orderly enters and asks her if she needs more time. She doesn't. So he pulls the sheet up over Gwendolyn's head. Because she's dead. Sam is shocked, and pretends to cry. As the orderly leaves, Sam goes for the wristband again. And then Chloe enters, so Sam drops to her knees and pretends to pray. Chloe asks what Sam is doing there, and Sam tells her that despite their differences, she wanted to be there for Chloe in her hour of need. And then the orderly wheels a middle-aged woman into the room. She's Chloe's Aunt Wendy. Painfully bad scene.
Frank is at his post in front of Todd's building when Dena walks up. She tries to butter him up by telling him how gratifying his job must be, since he's such an important part of everyone's lives. Frank: "There's talk of replacing me with a motion-sensing mat." Heh. Dena: "You like birthday cake?"
Newly house. Sam is leaving a message for Todd telling him that she thinks he shouldn't break up with Chloe while her aunt is sick. Howard enters. He's upset because he went to pick up his suit at the dry cleaner and they made fun of how out of style it was. It's kind of a brown and beige checkered number. He goes off, and the doorbell rings. Sam answers -- it's Chloe. She knows it's odd that she just dropped by unannounced, but she found Sam's address while going through Todd's computer the week before. Heh. Todd just broke up with Chloe, and she really needs a friend right now. And Sam is nominated. Commercials.
Sam and Chloe are still together. Sam is unsure that she's really the right person to be comforting Chloe, but Chloe tells her that Sam coming to the hospital to support her was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her. Really? My condolences. Chloe thinks she may have misjudged Sam. Sam tries to get rid of Chloe by telling her that she looks great, and she must be sadder about her aunt than she is about Todd. Except that Chloe doesn't really care that much about the aunt. Then Howard comes by to tell Sam, "I can't go to this thing tonight looking like a hayseed. So I'm off to the suit barn."
Andrea's kitchen. Andrea files her nails with a potato peeler, stunned at the sight of Regina cooking. Regina promises to clean everything up, but Andrea's really shocked because she didn't realize it was a functioning kitchen. Regina: "Oh, come on, you must have cooked breakfast for hundreds of young men." And then they kind of bond. Regina is envious of Andrea's life of restaurants and clubs and business travel. And Andrea confesses to once a year buying Good Housekeeping, for the issue with 100 holiday ideas. That's Regina's favorite issue. Regina thinks Andrea could make the kitchen fun to use by hanging a pot rack over the stove. Andrea can't see herself doing that, and Regina confesses that Howard does those things for her. Andrea thinks having a man with a tool-belt is hot, and decides that she should get one of her own. Regina: "Howard has shingles."
Newly house. Chloe is telling Sam about how Todd broke up with her. She tells Sam that she's certain he's seeing someone else. Sam thinks Chloe couldn't possibly know that. But Chloe knows because that's what Todd always does -- waits to dump a girl until he's already started seeing someone else. He did it when he left his girlfriend for Sam, and he did it to Sam by seeing Chloe for a couple of weeks before breaking up with Sam. Well I'll be damned. Commercials.
The party has started at Andrea's mostly empty apartment. Howard and Dena stand around the food. Regina walks up with another platter. She's disappointed that even Sam didn't bother to show up. Howard just thinks they're all fashionably late: "Some of these people, these glitterati, they don't roll in until at least 8:30." He loses some bread in the fondue, and Andrea compliments his new suit. Regina jealously pulls him away. Andrea complains to Dena about the appalling lack of guests, and Dena tells her that there are definitely more people coming. And then the doorbell rings. It's Frank. He's incredibly grumpy, and he's only there because his wife kicked him out while their daughter does homework. On a Saturday night. That's one dedicated little girl. Dena tells Andrea that now everybody has arrived. Andrea asks Dena why she didn't tell her about the paucity of guests: "I know fifteen Eurotrash partiers who could be here in five minutes." Dena: "It's Sam's birthday party, you can't fill it with strangers." Andrea: "She has amnesia." Dena: "Start dialing."
Sam arrives at Todd's. He goes to kiss her, but she pushes him away. She wants to know if he was really fooling around with Chloe when he was still dating her. He avoids the question, and she asks him if he was ever going to tell her. He claims to have told her just before the accident, and she calls him on his pathetic lying. He brings up her fling with René, and she claims that was different because he didn't learn about it until after they broke up. Which is exactly what's happening with Chloe. But she thinks she can avoid blame because it was Bad Sam who cheated with René, whereas it's "Same Todd" who cheated with Chloe and then with Sam. Sam tells him, "I don't want to live like that. I have nothing to hide." And then Chloe starts to open the door, so they run and hide. In a closet. Why exactly is Todd hiding? Sam: "You know, to an outside observer, this might not seem like a very healthy relationship."
Eurotrash party. All these sunglass-wearing douchebags are there. Regina is passing food while Dena tries to bob along with the music and looks completely out of place. The doorbell rings, and Regina asks Frank if he would get it. He refuses: "I'm off the clock. I don't open doors, I won't call you a cab, and I won't find you an escort service. Good ambrosia, though."
Trapped in the closet. Sam asks Todd if he would ever have broken up with Chloe if Sam hadn't made him. He claims he would have, and then wonders how she even knows that he dumped her. Sam tells him that Chloe told her. She accuses him of "swinging from girl to girl, like monkey bars." He looks through the key-hole and sees Chloe approaching the closet. They dive around trying to hide some more. Todd ends up buried behind some coats, and Sam is standing right there when Chloe opens the door. Chloe jumps, and Sam claims that she was hiding because she thought Chloe was Todd and she didn't want to see him. She claims to be there for some shoes for her birthday party. And I find it completely refreshing that the writers did not have Chloe invite herself along to Sam's birthday party. Instead, Sam breaks down and confesses that she and Todd are together. Chloe thinks Sam is just trying to pull the same trick she pulled before when she claimed Todd was in the shower. She starts wondering where Todd might be hiding. She decides it can't be the bathroom, so it might be the closet. And as she opens the closet door, there's Todd. Chloe looks at Sam and tells her, "I thought you were my friend. You came to the hospital and everything. You two deserve each other, good luck." And she picks up her bag and leaves. Sam tells Todd that she thinks Chloe might be right -- Sam will never know if Todd is with her because she's Sam or because she's not Chloe and he can't stand to be alone. Todd asks if she's saying she doesn't want to be with him. Sam: "I'm just saying I'm so tired of being not someone. It's time for me to be someone." She thinks it's too late for them to have a fresh start. Todd tells her that she still has stuff there. Sam: "I'll always have stuff here, Todd." She kisses him on the forehead and walks out.
Party. Sam has arrived, and they're singing "Happy Birthday." Sam's V.O. tells us that the Book of Sam is ready for its second volume, with lots of fresh blank pages ready to go. She's happy to be with her friends and family and her remarkably diverse and attractive seventh-grade class. (The camera pans over to the Eurotrash for that last bit.) Sam makes a wish and blows out the candle. Todd opens the door and walks into the room. Dena: "I want that candle when you're done." Once again, Dena provides the laugh-out-loud moment of the show. Sam walks over to Todd, and he introduces himself. They pretend that they're meeting for the very first time. He's carrying balloons, and on one of them, he's written his phone number. He tells her to give him a call if she'd like to get together and leaves. Then they have cake. The end.
LTG is a pension and benefits lawyer in Washington, D.C., which explains why he's so mean and bitter. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.