Sam's V.O. tells us that when a waiter brings you a hot plate and tells you not to touch it, you inevitably want to touch it right away. Todd and Sam are making out in his apartment (which is really hers). Todd throws Sam to the couch, and she asks him if he heard something. He freaks out that it could be Chloe coming home, but it was just Sam's back cracking. They make out some more and there's the sound of a key in the lock. They panic and freak out, and then Todd rushes to the door to head off Chloe. Except it's not Chloe; it's Frank, delivering a package because Todd told him he wouldn't be home. Frank sees that Sam is hiding under the sofa cushions. Sam: "Don't judge me, Frank." Frank: "Oh, that ship sailed a long time ago."
Coffee shop. Sam is telling Dena and Andrea all about her trystus interruptus with Todd. Sam tells Dena that her heart is still racing from fear of Chloe, and presses Dena's hand to her chest. Dena: "I'm kind of creeped out by the fact that there's something in our chest pumping blood." Andrea's theory is that Sam loves the danger of cheating with a man who already has someone; she points out that Sam wasn't interested in Todd until he had a girlfriend. Andrea's other theory is that if she owned the coffee shop, she could double their business. Dena thinks that sounds great, and wants to be her partner. Andrea: "Oh, yeah, and we could live above the store and have great adventures together." Sam continues to deny being a danger freak while Andrea and Dena have parallel fantasies about owning the coffee shop. Andrea's fantasy is to fire everyone; Dena's fantasy is to name the place "Andena." Sam ends up deciding that she may be a danger freak after all. And she's surprisingly comfortable with that.
Newly residence. Sam is leaving a message for Todd, telling him to meet her on a bridge at noon. She panics at the end with the thought that Chloe might hear the message. Regina enters, all dressed up, with all of her assets on display. She seems to have forgotten that Sam is unemployed, because she's surprised to see her at home. Regina is evasive about her plans, claiming that she's playing bridge and/or golf with "the gals." Gals whose names Regina does not know.
Sam is waiting on the bridge when Todd arrives, sweaty and late. She asks him where he's been -- he tells her that his story to Chloe was that he was going to play basketball, and he actually played a game to enhance the verisimilitude of his story. He needed to make it look real because when Chloe asked, he couldn't even remember the names of his friends, coming up with "Lancelot" as the only name he could think of. They're about to make out, when Sam realizes that Todd's story sounds an awful lot like Regina. She decides that Regina must be having an affair. Credits.
Still in the park, Todd is trying to convince Sam that Regina's not having an affair; Sam is just projecting, since she feels guilty about her own affair. Todd tells her he also feels guilty, which is why he's "got to put an end to this." A dejected Sam asks if he's dumping her. He's not -- his plan is to dump Chloe. Sam, unsure if she'll still like Todd when the danger is gone, tells him not to do it. But her stated reason is that she thinks Todd is a danger freak, and he won't want Sam once the danger is removed. Todd tries to disagree, but she squeezes his lips closed to shut him up. She tells him they can talk the day, when they meet at a hotel. (She tells him to check in as Monty. Heh.)
Sam is meeting Andrea and Dena for coffee again. She defends sneaking around, saying that her affair with Todd is not that different from the service of a patriotic spy. She also tells them about her fleeting suspicion that Regina was having an affair. Andrea looks conflicted, and wanders off to make an offer to buy the coffee shop. Sam senses a problem, and follows after her (and Dena) to demand she tell her what's going on. Andrea starts telling her a story, and kind of trails off. Sam asks her to keep going, and Andrea tells her that usually by this point, Sam has remembered whatever it was Andrea was telling her. But not this time.
Except it does happen this time, as we flashback to Bad Sam and Drunk Andrea leaving a bar. They see Regina, quite dressed up, hailing a cab. Sam accosts her, and Regina claims she was at a cheese tasting with "the gals." Andrea notices that she's not wearing her wedding ring, and Regina claims that cheese makes her bloated. She hops in the cab, and Sam decides that Regina must be having an affair -- which is pretty cool in the eyes of Bad Sam.
Back in the coffee shop, Sam's decided that Regina is having an affair. Dena thinks it's not safe to jump to conclusions. Sam: "Yeah, maybe she's turning tricks to pay for community college." I would watch that Lifetime Television Movie, but only if it starred Tina Yothers. Sam needs a way to figure out whether Regina's actually having an affair. Andrea says that according to Oprah, there are several ways to tell if someone is having an affair. One of them is to see if the person is buying lots of new lingerie. Sam asks if Andrea really thinks she just rifles through her mothers drawers. I mean, her underwear drawers. The kind that hold underwear, not the kind that are underwear.
Cut to Sam rifling through Regina's underwear drawer, where she finds lots of new pairs of undies. Howard catches her, and she lies and tells him she was looking for cash to buy tickets to hear that hot new band, Lancelot. Howard tells her to come down to dinner. Commercials.
A strained dinner. Sam is giving Regina the third degree. Regina claims to have had a late lunch of orange roughy. Sam: "Yeah, I bet you like it roughy." Heh. Howard interrupts them to announce that there's a secret that's been kept too long. The secret? That Sam is a junkie, which Howard deduced from the fact that she was looting her mother's panties. He also knew she was lying about the band, because he looked it up on the internet and found out it didn't exist. Au contraire, mon frere! Regina thinks the drugs must explain Sam's memory loss. Sam notes that she was hit by a car. Howard: "Well, that's what happens when you don't pay your dealer." Sam is about to stomp off, and then remembers her manners, returning to ask permission to be excused. Regina examines her plate to make sure she's eaten enough before letting her leave.
Hotel room. Todd is sitting there, shirtless, as Sam tells him about her suspicions of Regina. She mentions her mother's panties, and Todd decides it would be a good time to put on his shirt. Sam tries to get down to business, but she's too distracted to think about sex. Todd is kind of distracted that he's paying $300 for a hotel room that's not getting any use. Sam takes off, grabbing a giant Toblerone bar on the way out.
Sam, Andrea, and Dena are in Sam's SUV, staking out Regina. She runs down the sidewalk and then kisses a handsome man on the cheek. Dena: "I never followed anyone before. Well, once, but he wanted me to. I mean, he told me not to. But he wanted me to." Andrea and Dena decide the guy is pretty hot. They would like to hire him to entertain at their coffee shop. Sam jumps out of the car, and runs to Regina. Regina sends her boy-toy inside and Sam accuses her of cheating on Howard. Regina admits that it's true, claiming that her paramour's name is Rory. But she tells Sam it would be pretty hypocritical of her to judge Regina for something she's done dozens of times. Regina: "I'll see you at home for dinner. I made scalloped potatoes."
Sam arrives at home, where Howard is potting some plants. He tells her to calm down, since it's not dope he's planting. She tries to raise his suspicions about Regina, and then just drags him off to show him the restaurant where the affair is taking place. He's willing to come, but not in her car -- he doesn't want to get "jacked holding some ditch weed." Sam bans him from the Internet. Commercials.
Howard is in traffic in front of the restaurant. Sam has told him about the affair, and he's both heartbroken and furious. There's no parking available, so Sam suggests he use the valet. He refuses to pay $5, and sends Sam in to the restaurant to bring Regina out. Howard: "I'm just gonna circle."
In the restaurant, Regina is quite surprised to see Sam. Tellingly, Regina is not sitting at a table. And then a couple of guests walk up to them and ask for a table for two. Sam asks them if they look like they work there. And then Regina picks up two menus and leads them to a table, telling them that she'll send some bread right away. Sam can't believe that Regina's working as a hostess. She asks what happened to her wedding ring, and Regina tells her that single girls get bigger tips. And it's her own damn business if she wants to wear some pretty underwear from time to time. Sam can't believe that Regina's big secret is that she has a job. Regina tells her that her job gives her something of her very own that she doesn't have to share with anyone. I hope she knows she's supposed to share her tips with the busboy. And she doesn't want Howard to know, because she thinks it will make him feel like a failure as a provider. Which is why she told Sam she was having an affair; she knew that if told her about the job, she'd blab to Howard, but that she would never out her mother for cheating. And then Howard walks in, having found some free parking. He's looking to beat up Regina's lovah. Regina and Sam both tell him that there is no lovah. He doesn't believe them, and Sam tells Regina to tell the truth. So Regina lies and claims that she was going to have an affair but that she sent the dude away because she just couldn't bring herself to hurt Howard. Howard buys it, and promises to be more attentive in the future. And then Sam has to pretend to be the hostess so Regina can pretend not to work at the restaurant. Howard: "Sammy's got a job. I hope they don't give her a urine test."
Todd enters the lobby of his building. Before he can get on the elevator, Sam calls him over to her. She's hiding in the foliage of a fake tree. She's there to tell him that she's sick of danger and she wants to be the one he's with. Which means he has to choose between her and Chloe. He starts to remind her that he already was going to break up with Chloe until she told him not to, but she shuts him up again by squeezing his lips together. Sam: "Shhhh. We talk to much." Todd, through pressed lips: "You." And then Sam kisses him. And then she tells him he'd better not try to keep her from working. He gets on the elevator to go upstairs, but she holds the door for one more kiss.
Sam's V.O. tells us that the most exciting time about the whole hot plate thing is that moment right before you touch the plate. Because afterwards, you're just a moron with a burnt finger. Sam picks up her umbrella and heads outside. Frank is there (natch). She tells him that Todd is going to be her boyfriend. Frank: "I guess the man's never heard the phrase, 'Fool me twice, shame on me.'" Sam thinks Frank is just a stitch. Sam's V.O. tells us that dinner is a lot more fun if your finger's not a throbbing mass of pain. So don't touch the hot plate.
There were some good one-liners in this episode, but overall it left me unimpressed. Let's hope the season finale week is better.